Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Republican Debate: I’ll bump plans with you, brother


WHAT SORT OF JOBS DO MICHELLE & MARCUS CREATE? SUGGESTIONS IN COMMENTS, PLEASE. Bachmann would oppose a federal sales tax because “my husband and I are job creators.”

She adds that sooner or later liberals would increase it from Cain’s 9% to “maybe 90 percent”.

MANIPULATING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH A 10-MILLION-WORD MESS: Cain says it’s not true that 9-9-9 would raise taxes on most people who aren’t rich, without offering any actual proof. He says “the reason that our plan is being attacked so much is because lobbyists, accountants, politicians, they don’t want to throw out the current tax code and put in something that’s simple and fair. They want to continue to be able to manipulate the American people with a 10-million-word mess.”

Rick Santorum is given the opportunity to inaugurate the Kill Cain with Condescension Campaign™, and does by calling him “well-meaning.” He objects to the elimination of deductions for breeders, saying “we’re going to - we’ve seen that happen in Europe, and what happened? Boom! Birth rates went in the - into the - into the basement.” Boom? That sound effect is a little disturbing. And what’s going on in the basement, exactly?

AND IF THERE’S ONE THING REPUBLICANS CAN’T ABIDE, IT’S KNEE-JERK REACTIONS: Cain responds, “I invite every American to do their own math, because most of these are knee-jerk reactions.” Cain sure knows how to make himself popular with the American people:

I LOVE YOU BROTHER: Perry continues the Kill Cain with Condescension Campaign™: “Herman, I love you, brother, but let me tell you something: You don’t have to have a big analysis to figure this thing out.” Which is just as well, because Perry doesn’t really do “big analysis.” He says that he’ll have his own economic plan at the end of the week; once again, he’s shown up at a debate without an economic plan. But once he does have one, “I’ll bump plans with you, brother - and we’ll see who has the best idea about how you get this country working again.” Do you think he focus-grouped whether he could get away with “bro,” and decided to stick with “brother” instead?

REPLACE THE TAX CODE WITH ORANGES? WHY THAT’S SO CRAZY, IT MIGHT JUST WORK! Perry says that adding a federal sales tax on top of state sales taxes is “not going to fly.” Cain says that’s mixing apples and oranges. “The state tax is an apple. We are replacing the current tax code with oranges. So it’s not correct to mix apples and oranges.” See, I would have thought that the state tax would be the orange and the federal one would be the apple, but then I live in California.

Cain then tells Perry, who hadn’t said a thing about value-added taxes, “So you’re absolutely wrong. It’s not a value-added tax.” He complains that none of his opponents understand the plan. Perhaps because they weren’t thinking in terms of fruit metaphors. Everything’s clearer with fruit metaphors.

Ron Paul says he would replace the income tax with nothing. Not even a citrus fruit of some sort.

THAT’S AN APPLE: Romney asks Cain directly, “are you saying that the state sales tax will also go away?” “No. That’s an apple.” Romney again insists that people would be paying both federal and state sales tax, and Cain increasingly hysterically talks about various fruit products, as if it’s some form of logical argument, and why are people still talking about this after he invoked the argument-ending authority of produce.

Romney joins the Kill Cain with Condescension Campaign™: “I like your chutzpah on this, Herman, but...” As does Gingrich: “I think that Herman Cain deserves a lot of credit. He’s had the courage to go out and take a specific, very big idea,” but...

Bachmann wants everyone to pay taxes, “even if it’s a dollar. Everyone needs to pay something in this country.” I suppose this is isn’t as stupid a strategy as it sounds, since everyone pays taxes and knows they pay taxes, so they’re all willing to stick it to the mythical freeloader who pays no taxes.

Anderson Cooper asks Perry if he’s read Romney’s plan, and for some reason the laziest person in this race fails to answer. He says we need “to create an environment where the men and women get back to work.” Since he plans to end all environmental regulations and drill for every last ounce of oil and coal, I’m assuming that by “environment,” he means “nightmarish hell-scape.” “It’s the reason I laid out a plan, Newt, this last week to get this energy that’s under our feet.” Under your feet in Las Vegas? Have all those bullet-ridden gangsters and strangled prostitutes and chorus girls turned into petroleum already?

Then Gingrich attacks Romneycare, and Romney says he got the idea of individual mandates from Gingrich. Zing!

“YOU LUUUUV MEXICANS.” “NO, YOU LUUUUUUUUUVVVVVV MEXICANS, YOU WANT TO MARRY MEXICANS.” Perry says Texas has “one of the finest health care systems in the world”. And the reason so many people are uninsured there is because of “illegals” and “they’re coming here because there is a magnet. And the magnet is called jobs. And those people that hire illegals ought to be penalized. And Mitt, you lose all of your standing from my perspective because you hired illegals in your home, and you knew for - about it for a year. And the idea that you stand here before us and talk about that you’re strong on immigration is, on its face, the height of hypocrisy.” Romney says giving college tuition credit to “illegals” is a magnet and supports amnesty.

Romney explained that when he was told that his lawn was being mowed by (gasp) illegal aliens, “So we went to the company and we said, look, you can’t have any illegals working on our property. That’s - I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake, I can’t have illegals.”

Herman Cain failed to answer a direct question about whether the border fence he wants would be electrified or not.

Perry wants Predator drones on the border.

Bachmann: “Well, I think the person who really has a problem with illegal immigration in the country is President Obama. It’s his uncle and his aunt who are illegal aliens who’ve been allowed to stay in this country despite the fact that they’re illegal.” She wants a “double-walled fence with a - with a area of security neutrality in between.” I’m not sure what exactly that means, but it sounds rather like the Berlin Wall.

Romney says we just have to “turn off the magnets” – sounds rather like Wile E. Coyote.

Michelle Bachmann agreed: “I think there’s a very real issue with magnets in this country.”

She thinks we need to deal with “anchor babies,” but that somehow she can eliminate the citizenship of people born in this country without amending the 14th Amendment.

HOLD ON, MOMS OUT THERE: Bachmann explains the housing crisis, which evidently mostly effects women in the 1950s or something: “Every day I’m out somewhere in the United States of America, and most of the time I am talking to moms across this country. When you talk about housing, when you talk about foreclosures, you’re talking about women who are at the end of their rope because they’re losing their nest for their children and for their family. And there are women right now all across this country and moms across this country whose husbands, through not fault of their own, are losing their job and they can’t keep that house. And there are women who are losing that house. I’m a mom. I talk to these moms. I just want to say one thing to moms all across America tonight. This is a real issue; it’s got to be solved. .... Hold on, moms out there. It’s not too late.”

CASH WOULD BE FINE: Cain still hates the Occupationistas: “But my point is this: What are the people who are protesting want from bankers on Wall Street? To come downstairs and write them a check? This is what we don’t understand.” They should be protesting at the White House. Obviously.

HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WITH POWER IF YOU DON’T PRAY? Asked if a candidate’s religion should be taken into account, Santorum says yes. Gingrich says yes, because of the Northwest Ordinance of 1787 and “how can you have judgment if you have no faith? And how can I trust you with power if you don’t pray? Who you pray to, how you pray, how you come close to God is between you and God. But the notion that you’re endowed by your creator sets a certain boundary on what we mean by America.”

AMERICANS UNDERSTAND FAITH: Perry: “But the fact is, Americans understand faith, and what they’ve lost faith in is the current resident of the White House.”

Romney: “that idea that we should choose people based upon their religion for public office is what I find to be most troubling”.

WE’RE BEING DISSED! Bachmann says the alleged Iranian assassination plot shows that Iran “disrespect[s] the United States,” and Iraq’s refusal to give immunity to US troops after this year shows “how disrespected the United States is in the world today” and we need to nuke Iran or something. If she is president, “We will be respected again in the world.”

No, really, that’s what she said.

Santorum says Iran “attacked” us (the alleged plot again) because we’re the supreme leader of the secular world.

Perry wants to cut foreign aid and defund the UN, and Palestine is trying “to have themselves approved as a state without going through the proper channels”. Oh dear, did they not fill out all the forms?

Paul, of course, wants to end all foreign aid, even for Israel, which just “teaches them to be dependent.”

Bachmann wants Iraq and Libya to “reimburse” us for “liberating” them.

Cain, who earlier today said that he’d consider letting Guantanamo prisoners go in exchange for American prisoners, now says he would “never agree to letting hostages in Guantanamo Bay go.”

Since everyone was saying they wouldn’t negotiate with terrorists, Ron Paul asks if everyone on the stage would condemn Reagan for the arms-for-hostages deal. Santorum says it’s not the same thing because Iran’s a sovereign country and not a terrorist organization.

Santorum says he can beat Obama, no matter what the polls say, because “No one in this field has won a swing state. Pennsylvania’s a swing state. We win Pennsylvania, we win the election.” And what happened the last time you ran in Pennsylvania?

THE GOOD NEWS: Bachmann: “The good news is the cake is baked. Barack Obama will be a one-term president.” She added, “I am the most different candidate from Barack Obama than anyone on this stage.”

Gingrich says he’s the strongest candidate “because of sheer substance”. And he would challenge Obama to seven three-hour debates. Anderson Cooper says CNN would love to host them. Speaking for every blogger, everyone on Twitter who covers these things, No. Just no.

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