Friday, December 16, 2011
Again, no transcript, and I only saw bits of it, so this won’t be in chronological order.
WE WILL GET IT ON: Everyone wants to debate Obama. Gingrich says Obama will lose in the “seven three-hour debates” that will take place in Gingrich’s mind. Perry says “I hope Obama and I debate a lot. I’ll get there early.” Get there early, why that’s so crazy, it might just work! “We will get it on”. Cue porn music.
HOW ABOUT APPEARING TO BE A LARGE, MISSHAPEN POTATO? Gingrich: “I’m very concerned about not appearing to be zany.”
UTTERLY IRRATIONAL: Gingrich called Obama “utterly irrational to say I’m now going to veto a middle class tax cut [i.e., the payroll tax cut congressional Republicans tied to the Keystone XL pipeline] to protect left-wing environmental extremists in San Francisco...” San Francisco, always with the San Francisco. “...so that we’re going to kill American jobs, weaken American energy, make us more vulnerable to the Iranians and do so in a way that makes no sense to any normal, rational American.” As Adlai Stevenson said, that’s not enough, we need a majority.
Bachmann accused Gingrich of making Baby Jesus cry by saying that life begins at the implantation of the embryo, not at conception: “The Republican party can’t get the issue of life wrong”. As speaker, she says, Gingrich failed to defund Planned Parenthood. And then she accused him of supporting infanticide (as Speaker he argued against pulling party support from Republican candidates who didn’t support banning “partial-birth abortion”).
Santorum accused The Ten Thousand Dollar Man of having, as governor of Massachusetts, “personally... issued gay marriage licenses,” just because gay marriage was legal.
BUT ARE THEY FACTS? Bachmann: “It’s outrageous to say over and over again during the debates to say that I don’t have my facts right. I am a serious candidate for president of the United States and my facts are accurate,” adding, probably, “They’re coming to steal your light bulbs!”
HE WAS PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS ON HIS PHONE UNDER THE PODIUM: “Good Hair” Perry says he’s “ready for the next level.”
THEN HE TACKLED RON PAUL: Perry: “I hope I am the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucuses.”
GOOD MANNERS COST NOTHING, YOUNG MAN: Romney accused Obama of having “a foreign policy based on pretty please”.
Huntsman: “We have been kicked around as a people. We are getting screwed as Americans.”
MAYBE GOOGLE BOY SHOULDN’T BE USING THE PHRASE “BOTTOM UP”: Santorum: “Medical savings accounts are a bottom up, not top down solution.”
BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF TATOOINE: The Ten Thousand Dollar Man: “In the real world that the president has not lived in... not every business succeeds. In the real world, some things don’t make it.” You may be reminded of that later, Mittens.
SO THEY ASPIRE TO EMULATE IRAN? Santorum says Iran is run by a “radical theocracy,” and Bachmann says Iran is led by an “avowed [sic] madman” and wants to “set up a worldwide caliphate” (and Romney keeps calling for an “American Century” – what’s your point?).
THAT’S A TRICK QUESTION, RIGHT? Ron Paul, though, asks, “Why do we have to bomb so many countries?” He says “We don’t need another war.” Hey, we don’t need a flat-screen tv, we don’t need another donut, but we’re Americans, dammit.
BUT THOSE ARE THE FUNNEST PARTS OF THE JOB: Ron Paul: “I don't want to police individual activities or lifestyle, and I don't want to run the economy.”
LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY: Gingrich says he did “no lobbying of any kind” for Freddie Mac. Hell, he didn’t need to, because he was rich from giving speeches and writing all these “best-selling books”. Readers: have any of you actually bought one of these “best-selling” books? Has anyone you know ever bought one? Bachmann says “You don’t need to be within the technical definition of being a lobbyist to still be influence-peddling”. Wait, did Crazy Eyes just say something that made sense? Gingrich says that “There are a lot of government-sponsored enterprises that are awfully important and do an awfully good job.” I’m assuming his candidacy is now over.
Everyone hates the courts. Gingrich calls the 9th Circuit “anti-American” because of that 2002 Pledge of Allegiance decision and says courts have become “grotesquely dictatorial.” Envy much? He wants to fire judges that disagree with him, and order them to come to Congress to explain any decisions he dislikes. Bachmann denies that the courts are the final arbiters of law (fuck Marbury v. Madison!), praises Iowans for voting down the justices who supported gay marriage.