Bush in the Middle East: We’ve made our mark by advancing ideals as old as the pyramids

At Sharm el Sheikh, Bush met with Pakistani Prime Minister Gilani.

WHAT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS: “And one area where our relations can be productive is we cooperate on economic matters, because the truth of the matter is, in a population that has got hope as a result of being able to find work, is a population that is going to make it harder for extremists and terrorists to find safe haven.”

Later, he addressed the World Economic Forum. He talked about democracy, which he commended to the assembled autocrats. He also told them they should really give bacon a try, they didn’t know what they were missing.

KILLING THE NATIVES AND TAKING THEIR LAND? “America is a much younger nation, but we’ve made our mark by advancing ideals as old as the pyramids.”

SO HE DOESN’T LIKE THE “NO JIHADI LEFT BEHIND” PROGRAM? “The key to realizing this goal is an educated workforce. This starts early on, with primary schools that teach basic skills, such as reading and math, rather than indoctrinating children with ideologies of hatred.”

WHAT GEORGE UNDERSTANDS: “There are skeptics about democracy in this part of the world, I understand that.”

First, do no Sharm

“For example, some say that democracy is a Western value that America seeks to impose on unwilling citizens. This is a condescending form of moral relativism. The truth is that freedom is a universal right -- the Almighty’s gift to every man, woman, and child on the face of Earth.” See? it’s not a Western value, it’s just that we’re the ones who support God’s “truth.”

“There are people who claim that democracy is incompatible with Islam. But the truth is that democracies, by definition, make a place for people of religious belief.” Obama’s scary black preacher, for example, has a place in Republican attack ads. “America is one of the most -- is one of the world’s leading democracies, and we’re also one of the most religious nations in the world. More than three-quarters of our citizens believe in a higher power.” Angelina Jolie?

“In our democracy, we would never punish a person for owning a Koran.” Although if they check it out of the library, their phone will be tapped. “We would never issue a death sentence to someone for converting to Islam. Democracy does not threaten Islam or any religion. Democracy is the only system of government that guarantees their protection.”

SOME WHO? “Some say any state that holds an election is a democracy.”

TOO OFTEN? HOW OFTEN IS THE RIGHT AMOUNT? “Too often in the Middle East, politics has consisted of one leader in power and the opposition in jail.” Psst, you’re in Egypt, you know.

No Sharm, no foul.

SOME SOUND LIKE REAL DICKS: “Today, I have a message for these young people: Some tell -- some will tell you change is impossible, but history has a way of surprising us”. History will say that you were the worst president ever, George – surprised?

SPOILER ALERT: “The vision I have outlined today is shared by many in this region -- but unfortunately, there are some spoilers who stand in the way.”