January 2013 is gonna be fucking awesome!

Today John McCain gave a speech (as prepared for delivery) in which he sketched his fantasy of what America, and indeed the world, would look like at the end of his first term of office. And it is glorious. For example, “Schools have greatly improved their emphasis on physical education and nutritional content of meals offered in school cafeterias.” He does not say if Taco Tuesdays will still be in effect.

(I was going to go with sloppy joes, but then decided that Taco Tuesdays was funnier, probably because of the alliteration. When you have a blog, these are the kinds of decisions you have to make every single day.)


Of course, “The Iraq War has been won” and “By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom.” “Iraq is a functioning democracy, although still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of tyranny and centuries of sectarian tension. Violence still occurs, but it is spasmodic...” so that’s okay then “...and much reduced. Civil war has been prevented; militias disbanded; the Iraqi Security Force is professional and competent; al Qaeda in Iraq has been defeated... The United States maintains a military presence there, but a much smaller one, and it does not play a direct combat role.” Is there such a thing as indirect combat?

Interestingly, while he foresees the defeat of Al Qaida, he only predicts that the “threat from a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced but not eliminated.” Osama bin Laden will of course have been captured or killed.


Who else will be captured or killed dead? His rosy scenario includes the death of some Supreme Court justices: “Scores of judges have been confirmed to the federal district and appellate courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court, who understand that they were not sent there to write our laws but to enforce them and make sure they are consistent with the Constitution.”


What else will be captured or killed dead? The United Nations. “After efforts to pressure the Government in Sudan over Darfur failed again in the U.N. Security Council, the United States, acting in concert with a newly formed League of Democracies, applied stiff diplomatic and economic pressure that caused the government of Sudan to agree to a multinational peacekeeping force, with NATO countries providing logistical and air support”.

20 new nuclear power plants will be under construction.

There will be no signing statements and there will be weekly press conferences and a version of Prime Minister’s Questions. Although what questions could possibly be asked of a man who has recreated the world and made it shiny and new and wonderful, I cannot imagine.