Headlines of the day from the greatest newspaper ever

The Daily Telegraph today brings us these journalistic gems:

“Silvio Berlusconi Buys 37 Rings for His Leading Ladies.” Meaning $1,850 gold & diamond rings for women MPs. I believe they had to take them from his penis.

“Japanese Woman Sues Google for Displaying Images of Underwear.” Google Street View strikes again. “I could understand if it was just a picture of the outside of the apartment, but showing a person’s underwear hanging outside is absolutely wrong,” she says.

“Hospital Hired Models in Lab Coats and Heels ‘To Attract Men.’” UMass Memorial Health Care hired the models to flirt with men in malls and coax them into having swabs taken for a bone marrow registry. And then billing their insurance $4,300.

“Swedish Medical Students Get Teacher’s Body at First Autopsy.”

“Barack Obama Scoops Bo’s Poop.” Hey, he’s getting off lightly. John Boehner is going to make him eat his.

This was at an elementary school. No one asked him about dog poop. Some student asked how much fun is it running around the White House all day, and he brought up the poop thing all by himself. The children’s response, as recorded by the White House transcript: “Ew!”

One kid asked him for an autograph. He said no.

“Surgeon Made Dominatrix Blush.” Dr. W masturbated after giving Mistress J botox injections at a clinic in, um, Maidenhead.

“Model’s Hair Catches Fire at Rapper Diddy’s Party.” And there’s a video you can watch (I didn’t), because he was webcasting the album-release party. “Diddy has apparently been told not to return to the hotel.”

“Winona Ryder Claims Mel Gibson Called Her an ‘Oven-Dodger.’” I assumed it was some sort of sexist thing, but it was an anti-Semitic thing. Charming.