I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period

Herman Cain had a press conference today, which I’m sure cleared up this whole sexual harassment/assault thing once and for all to everyone’s satisfaction. Video:

PERIOD: “I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period.”

Line up behind the rope line, ladies.

He watched yesterday’s Sharon Bialek press conference in a hotel room with a couple of staffers. Way to step up your game, Herman!

HE FORGOT THAT HE FORGOT: “I tried to remember if I remembered that name — and I didn’t.”

HE’S MORE OF A BREAST MAN: “I didn’t recognize the face.”

WHAT HE WILL NOT BE DETERRED BY: “And I will not be deterred by false, anonymous, incorrect accusations.” They’re false AND incorrect. And anonymous.

I THOUGHT HE SAID IT WAS RICK PERRY?? “the Democrat machine in America has brought forth a troubled woman to make false statements.” Oh no, the Democrats have a machine for making troubled women now!


I trust people will have noted that word “troubled,” in which Cain suggested mental illness in a woman he claims never to have met. Echoes of “a little bit nutty and a little bit slutty.”

The accusations “exceed common sense.”


He quotes his wife, “and this is a direct quote.” Evidently he called up his wife yesterday to ask her what she thought of Bialek’s press conference – and he took notes on what she said. After assuring us that his family, none of whom is present, totally believes him, he hastily implores the media not to “drag my family into this.”

He would certainly submit to a polygraph, “But I’m not going to do that unless I have a good reason to do that.” He doesn’t explain what a good reason would be.


TURNED OFF: “It is natural that some voters will be turned off by the mere mention of the accusations.” Maybe with the right music and some wine...

NO FUCKING KIDDING: “In no way have I tried to minimize sexual harassment in the workplace.”

Actually, the question was about whether he’s ever seen sexual harassment, and what he says is that he’s seen instances that could be interpreted as sexual harassment.

He’s even seen women attempting to sexually harass men.

He goes on again about the pay-offs to his alleged victims being “agreements” rather than “settlements,” because a settlement would have legal implications. Er, doesn’t a non-disclosure agreement have “legal implications”?

There’s “a machine to keep a businessman out of the White House.” See, this is why unemployment is so high: the processes of bringing forth troubled women and keeping businessmen out of the White House have been mechanized, putting American workers out of good unionized jobs.


Asked to back up this conspiracy theory, he says he can only “infer” that there are dark forces arrayed against him. Then he says it’s “common sense” to suggest that because Sharon Bialek has had money problems in the past, she’s being paid off to make false accusations. It’s just common sense. Or, you know, slander.

Later in the day, or possibly earlier, he was interviewed by ABC.

He asked, very reasonably, “How can I defend charges when I don’t remember this person by name”? In fact, he doesn’t even remember “this person’s” name from seeing her on the tv yesterday, since he never uses it.

CAIN IS ALWAYS BRAGGING ABOUT HIS “BIG POINT”: “But the big point is, I have never acted inappropriately with anyone.”

DIDN’T CHASING THEM GET YOU INTO TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE? “You know, to constantly be chasing anonymous accusers, baseless accusations, is a distraction from the big issues we oughta be talkin’ about.”

An “element” “really don’t want to see an unconventional candidate that is connecting with the people and putting bold solutions on the table.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days.


BY THE NUMBERS: His wife supports him 200%, his campaign does not have a cajillion dollars, his name recognition is now 99.9.

Reporters trying to get his relatives to comment on this “has no place in politics. It has no place in America.”

NYT: When Karen Kraushaar left the National Restaurant Association after filing charges against Cain, “some staff members were told that Ms. Kraushaar had suffered an injury after falling off a mule”.