Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Nobody puts Baby Kim in a corner!

Checked in with the North Korean Central News webpage.

We find that North Korea has developed a new soft drink, which is fine news to those of us who remember East Germany’s Commie Cola, or whatever its real name was. The NK version features selenium and is good in promoting metabolism and curing arteriosclerosis, myocardial infraction, cerebral thrombosis and tuberculosis.

(Update: Vita Cola is what it was called. The first Google hit for “Commie Cola” is the Wikipedia page for Vita Cola, even though that page does not use the phrase “Commie Cola.” Google can read our minds now. Evidently there’s been a revival of the atrocious beverage, and it’s now more popular than Pepsi. Most of us tourists drank the vile stuff because East Germany made you buy a certain amount of their humorous currency, and there was nothing else to spend it on.)

Of course what I was actually looking for was the story on the execution of “traitor for all ages,” “despicable human scum,” “despicable political careerist and trickster” Jang Song Thaek (he had a rather long business card), Kim Jong Un’s uncle. He was charged with such offenses as “unwillingly standing up from his seat and half-heartedly clapping” when Kim Jong Un was elected vice-chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Workers' Party of Korea; preventing the Taedonggang Tile Factory from erecting a mosaic depicting Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il and a monument to field guidance given by them; being so reckless as to instruct a unit of the Internal Security Forces that wanted to carve a letter Kim Jong Un in granite to put the monument in a shaded corner – IN A SHADED CORNER!

Jang confessed to his crimes. Well, he confessed to undermining the economy and planning a coup, I’m not sure whether he confessed to the monument-in-a-shaded-corner thing.

Other members of this conspiracy included “Ri Ryong Ha, flatterer” (he had a rather short business card).

There was but a single story on the uncle, and now the Central News Agency is back to business as usual, with a 7-month-old report on “Kim Jong Un Gives Field Guidance to Fisheries Station” wherein it is reported that Kim “asked the manager of the station to send him a letter if it netted 4,000 tons of fish so that he might know the happy news.” They have done so, and Kim is pleased. He has sent them a letter. Woe betide anyone who puts the inevitable carved monument to this letter in a shaded corner.

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