Ted Cruz announced his imaginary candidacy for president (that is, he used the word “imagine” many times during the speech, which he gave at an institution which firmly believes that imagination is the tool of Satan, Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University (which, following the proud tradition of the Holy Roman Empire, is not a university and does not have liberty).
AREN’T THERE HAIRSTYLES RIDICULOUS?: “Imagine your parents when they were children.”
UM, WHY ARE THE NICE BAPTISTS LAUGHING AT CRUZ’S CUBAN FATHER? “Imagine a teenage boy, not much younger than many of you here today, growing up in Cuba. Jet black hair, skinny as a rail.
OF COURSE WHEN JEFFERSON TALKED ABOUT CHAINS AND MISCHIEF, HE MAY HAVE HAD SOMETHING ELSE IN MIND: “the purpose of the Constitution, as Thomas Jefferson put it, is to serve as chains to bind the mischief of government.”
BUT IF EVERYONE FOLLOWS US, WON’T WE STOP BEING “EXCEPTIONAL”? “And then the American exceptionalism that has made this nation a clarion voice for freedom in the world, a shining city on a hill.”
BURN, BABY, BURN! “I want to talk to you this morning about reigniting the promise of America”.
IMAGINE: “I want to ask each of you to imagine, imagine millions of courageous conservatives, all across America, rising up together to say in unison ‘we demand our liberty.’” Because nothing says liberty like millions of people speaking in unison.
The interesting part of that sentence is actually the word “our.” “We demand liberty” would be a much more idealistic battle-cry, but he’s positioning liberty as something that belongs to those “courageous conservatives” who are demanding it, and who presumably don’t have it now, or why would they be demanding something that belongs to them, which means that someone, someone or ones who are something other than courageous conservatives, must have stolen it. So what starts out as a call for liberty is transformed by that “our” into a whine of victimization.
WELL, THAT’S WHERE ALL THEIR SELF-FLAGELLATION EQUIPMENT IS: “Today, roughly half of born again Christians aren’t voting. They’re staying home.”
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS INNOVATION AND OPPORTUNITY LIKE FUCKING COMCAST: “Imagine innovation thriving on the Internet as government regulators and tax collectors are kept at bay and more and more opportunity is created.”
Five years ago today, the president signed Obamacare into law.
Within hours, Liberty University went to court filing a lawsuit to stop that failed law.
How can you call something “failed” only hours after it’s initiated, before it’s even... Oh yeah, the “Ted Cruz Presidential Campaign.” Never mind.
IMAGINE: “Imagine abolishing the IRS.” And Coca-Cola in the drinking fountains.
IMAGINE: “imagine repealing every word of Common Core.” And not being able to spell any of them.
IMAGINE: “that every single child, regardless of race, regardless of ethnicity, regardless of wealth or ZIP Code, every child in America has the right to a quality education.” Unless their ZIP code has a 7 in it; those people piss me off.
SOME OF US DO SEEM TO BE HALF-BAKED: “God’s blessing has been on America from the very beginning of this nation, and I believe God isn’t done with America yet.”
In case you’ve been staring at Ted Cruz trying to figure out who he looks like, Princess Sparkle Pony and I worked that out.