He saw the dangers that hopelessness was the only way that these ideologues could recruit suicide bombers

Last night, George Bush went to two dinners. The man loves to eat.

The first dinner was that of the National Republican Congressional Committee.

He told them that only Republicans are Americans, or have American values, or something: “We represent the values of the American people. Our ideas are the ones embraced by the folks.”

That wasn’t the most odious thing he said. That would be this: “We’re under threat, ladies and gentlemen, and yet the House leaders blocked meaningful, substantial legislation that will help protect America for the sake of class-action trial lawyers.”

WE’VE GOT A RECORD: “Now we’ve got a record on which side will not raise your taxes.”

HE MADE A FUNNY: “Let me be clear about this: milk expires, taxes increase.”

BAD BILL! BAD! “The Democrat version of protecting America is a bad bill.”

EVER: “Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever.”

HE SAW THE DANGERS: And he told the story about Koizumi and Graceland AGAIN! “He is a good pal.” Really? Have you heard from him since he left office? “[W]hen he was in office, right after the attacks of September the 11th, he clearly saw the dangers and the opportunities. He saw the dangers that hopelessness was the only way that these ideologues could recruit suicide bombers.”

We’ll keep the red flag flying here

His next meal was the Kuwait-America Foundation’s Stand for Africa Gala Dinner.

He began by talking about Jenna’s forthcoming marriage: “So the guy comes to see me, and he says, I want to marry your daughter. I said, done deal.” Classy.

IS HE, ER, IT? “I thank the Diplomatic Corps who is here, as well.”

He recalled a conversation with Condi: “I can remember early on in my administration -- she was the National Security Advisor then -- and she said, I presume you’re going to pay attention to Africa. And I said, that’s a good presumption, because I believe to whom much is given, much is required.” Wouldn’t it be funny if they really did have that exact conversation? “And I firmly believe we’re required to respond to human tragedy when we see it.” Note the equation. Africa = human tragedy.


Others, however, did not presume he would pay attention to Africa. “So, my friends in Texas say, you know, don’t we have enough problems here at home?” Do these “friends in Texas” actually exist, or are they like the girlfriend no one’s seen because she “goes to a different school”? Also, you’ll note that even his imaginary friends are major douchebags.

Fortunately, he always sets his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas straight: “And then I remind them that we’re living in a very difficult period in the history of the world. After all, we’re witnessing an ideological struggle between those who kill the innocent to achieve political objectives and those who believe in human dignity and human rights and human freedom.” And other human stuff. That’s another conversation I could so totally picture actually happening. He did not say how his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas respond.

“But one thing is for certain: that this enemy we face cannot possibly find recruits based upon their vision. Their vision for life is so dark and so dim and so degrading that it’s impossible for them to recruit unless they find hopeless situations.” Like listening to George W. Bush. Ah, that’s what happened to George’s his imaginary douchebag friends in Texas: they all joined Al Qaida.

By the way, dark and dim and degrading... oh, insert your own Eliot Spitzer joke here.