Friday, September 09, 2011

You should pass it right away, evidently


Obama gave his little jobs speech to Congress yesterday.

BY WHICH I MEAN REALITY TV CONCERNS: “But the millions of Americans who are watching right now, they don’t care about politics. They have real-life concerns.”

WHO THIS PLAN IS FOR: “So for everyone who speaks so passionately about making life easier for ‘job creators,’ this plan is for you.”

OBAMA WILL PUT AMERICANS TO WORK BUILDING NEW SKIES: “Everyone here knows we have badly decaying roads and bridges all over the country. Our highways are clogged with traffic. Our skies are the most congested in the world. It’s an outrage.”

BUT IF YOU’RE NOT TAKING IT OUT OF OUR POCKET, ISN’T IT ALREADY IN OUR POCKET, SO IT DOESN’T HAVE TO GO INTO OUR POCKET BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY IN OUR POCKET? AND HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW WEIRD THE WORD POCKET SOUNDS IF YOU KEEP SAYING IT OVER AND OVER? “Fifteen hundred dollars that would have been taken out of your pocket will go into your pocket.”

WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS: “Should we keep tax loopholes for oil companies? Or should we use that money to give small business owners a tax credit when they hire new workers? Because we can’t afford to do both.”

MATH WARFARE: “This isn’t political grandstanding. This isn’t class warfare. This is simple math.”

MOST? WHO ARE THESE APPEASERS OF WHOM YOU SPEAK? “Now, I realize that some of you have a different theory on how to grow the economy. Some of you sincerely believe that the only solution to our economic challenges is to simply cut most government spending and eliminate most government regulations.”

WHAT HE REJECTS: “I reject the idea that we have to strip away collective bargaining rights to compete in a global economy.”

RACE! “We shouldn’t be in a race to the bottom, where we try to offer the cheapest labor and the worst pollution standards. America should be in a race to the top.” Most expensive labor? “And I believe we can win that race.” Pollution standards aren’t actually a race, you know.

MAYBE NOT EVERYONE LIKES TRAVELING AS MUCH OF YOU, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT? “Ask yourselves -- where would we be right now if the people who sat here before us decided not to build our highways, not to build our bridges, our dams, our airports?”

HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE’S DOCTOR? “The next election is 14 months away. And the people who sent us here -- the people who hired us to work for them -- they don’t have the luxury of waiting 14 months.” Seriously, we’re dying, aren’t we? You’d tell us if we were all going to die in less than 14 months, right?

He finished with a quote from John F. Kennedy: “Our problems are man-made –- therefore they can be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants.” And if there’s one thing that Americans have proven since then, it’s that Americans can be as big as they want.

We’re fat, is what I’m saying.

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