The State of the Union is... stronger (we’re grading on a curve now)

Tonight Obama delivered the Motherfucking State of the Motherfucking Union Address (MSOTMU).

HE’S JUST NOT WILLING TO ADMIT IT’S BEEN MORE THAN ELEVEN YEARS, NOT “A DECADE,” IS HE? “After a decade of grinding war, our brave men and women in uniform are coming home.”

RUBBLE? WHAT CRISIS WAS THIS? DID I MISS SOMETHING? WAS IT AN ASTEROID HITTING THE EARTH? WHAT IS THIS RUBBLE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK??? “So, together, we have cleared away the rubble of crisis, and we can say with renewed confidence that the State of our Union is stronger.” Stronger than what, he does not say.

AS OPPOSED TO JUST THE RIGHT NUMBER OF PEOPLE: “too many people still can’t find full-time employment.”

WHAT PART OF “CORPORATIONS THRIVE ON HUMAN MISERY” DO YOU STILL NOT UNDERSTAND? “Corporate profits have skyrocketed to all-time highs -- but for more than a decade, wages and incomes have barely budged.”

THE MIDDLE CLASS SHOULD BE A LITTLE WORRIED THAT IT’S ABOUT TO BE “REIGNITED”: “It is our generation’s task, then, to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth -- a rising, thriving middle class.”

OUR UNFINISHED TASK: “It is our unfinished task to restore the basic bargain that built this country -- the idea that if you work hard and meet your responsibilities, you can get ahead, no matter where you come from, no matter what you look like, or who you love.” Slaves, women... he keeps forgetting those people. Also, the basic bargain that built this country was about fairness based on “who you love”? Unless the basic bargain that built this country had something to do with Jefferson fucking his slaves?

THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS PAUL KRUGMAN GRINDING HIS TEETH: “we are more than halfway towards the goal of $4 trillion in deficit reduction that economists say we need to stabilize our finances.”

The sequester is “a really bad idea.” Almost makes you wonder how it got put into legislation. No, wait, it doesn’t.

He wants to cut Medicare... just like Simpson-Bowles!

IS THERE ANY REASON TO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE SAYS AFTER THESE WORDS? “So let’s set party interests aside and...”

AND YOU THOUGHT THE US DIDN’T MANUFACTURE STUFF ANY MORE: “The greatest nation on Earth cannot keep conducting its business by drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next.”

This speech is sprinkled with half-meaningful statistics. X million jobs have been created, gas mileage has doubled, etc but over what period of time? He doesn’t say; this is the sort of number meant to convey an impression of conveying information without actually doing so.

WE CAN HAVE IT ALL! “Now, the good news is we can make meaningful progress on [global warming] while driving strong economic growth.” Is “driving” really the word you wanted to use there?

CALM DOWN, KIDS, IT DOESN’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS: “And tomorrow, my administration will release a new ‘College Scorecard’ that parents and students can use to compare schools”.

OFTEN WITH ACTUAL HARNESSES: “Our economy is stronger when we harness the talents and ingenuity of striving, hopeful immigrants.”

SOUNDS DIRTY: “putting more boots on the Southern border”.

WHEREIN IS REVEALED WHAT MAKES YOU A MAN: “what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.” And what makes you a sexist is talking about “what makes you a man.” (That said, how often do actual references to fucking make it into the SOTU? Not enough, that’s how often.)

DEFEATING THE CORE: “we can say with confidence that America will complete its mission in Afghanistan and achieve our objective of defeating the core of al Qaeda.”

He says he’ll withdraw 34,000 troops from Afghanistan over the next year and “by the end of next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over.”

Except... he plans to continue “counterterrorism efforts that allow us to pursue the remnants of al Qaeda and their affiliates.” So the war will be dead, long live counterterrorism efforts.

A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO FLYING KILLER ROBOTS: “And all over the world, through a range of capabilities, we will continue to take direct action against those terrorists who pose the gravest threat to Americans.”

I THOUGHT WE’D ALREADY SENT THEM OFF TO DIE: “Now, as we do, we must enlist our values in the fight.”

HOW CAN WE TAKE YOUR WORD WHEN YOU WON’T EVEN USE THE WORD DRONES? “I recognize that in our democracy, no one should just take my word for it that we’re doing things the right way.”

He calls the North Korean nuke test a “provocation.” He’s feeling very provoked.

People affected by gun violence “deserve a vote” (on gun legislation). He’s not even asking that gun control bills be passed, because that would just be crazy talk, but that they not be bottled up, which is also crazy talk.

I’M THINKING DONUTS OF SOME KIND. MAYBE WITH SPRINKLES. “I’m announcing a nonpartisan commission to improve the voting experience in America.”

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