A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that the IRA had shot a 79-year old man in both knees and both ankles. Seems they got the wrong address. Oops.

"I'm not only the president of impotence pills for men, but I'm also a member": gee, Bob, thanks for sharing. Or as Liddy used to say, "Where's the erection, Bob, where's the erection?" And all this time he's been living right next door to a famous practitioner of the felatalic arts. There must be a joke in there somewhere but coitate si cognito (fuck if I know).

Some immigrants from China slapped their 8-year old for lying and will appear in family court in Chicago Monday. If convicted, they will automatically be deported, thanks to the 1996 Immigration Act.

In yesterday's local elections, the people of London voted to have an elected mayor. This looks to be a very silly race. Jeffrey Archer, who evidently can't read any better than he can write, is studying up on the subject of the city he hopes to lead into the millennium by reading the *London Encyclopedia* -- one page per day. By far the most popular choice is the one Tony Blair is desperately trying to figure out how to block from running and still be able to use that annoying "we trust the people" line: Ken Livingston, or Red Ken to his friends, was last seen running the Greater London Council until Thatcher abolished it just to be rid of him. He's calling for a special greedy bastard tax. His words, not mine. Not very "New Labour".

Jon Christensen (R-Palookaville), generally regarded as the stupidest man in the US Congress, is front-runner to become the next governor of Nebraska. His platform consists of a promise never to hire a homosexual and that his fiancé is a former Miss America and is a virgin.