We’ll miss her when she’s gone. She is going, right? Please tell me she’s going.

Michele Bachmann complains about Obama’s immigration policy: “millions of unskilled, illiterate, foreign nationals coming into the United States who can’t speak the English language.” And they’ll take away jobs producing hilariously oblivious straight lines from hard-working American idiots.

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Republican debate: Concerned about not appearing to be zany

Again, no transcript, and I only saw bits of it, so this won’t be in chronological order.

WE WILL GET IT ON: Everyone wants to debate Obama. Gingrich says Obama will lose in the “seven three-hour debates” that will take place in Gingrich’s mind. Perry says “I hope Obama and I debate a lot. I’ll get there early.” Get there early, why that’s so crazy, it might just work! “We will get it on”. Cue porn music.

HOW ABOUT APPEARING TO BE A LARGE, MISSHAPEN POTATO? Gingrich: “I’m very concerned about not appearing to be zany.”


UTTERLY IRRATIONAL: Gingrich called Obama “utterly irrational to say I’m now going to veto a middle class tax cut [i.e., the payroll tax cut congressional Republicans tied to the Keystone XL pipeline] to protect left-wing environmental extremists in San Francisco...” San Francisco, always with the San Francisco. “...so that we’re going to kill American jobs, weaken American energy, make us more vulnerable to the Iranians and do so in a way that makes no sense to any normal, rational American.” As Adlai Stevenson said, that’s not enough, we need a majority.


Bachmann accused Gingrich of making Baby Jesus cry by saying that life begins at the implantation of the embryo, not at conception: “The Republican party can’t get the issue of life wrong”. As speaker, she says, Gingrich failed to defund Planned Parenthood. And then she accused him of supporting infanticide (as Speaker he argued against pulling party support from Republican candidates who didn’t support banning “partial-birth abortion”).


Santorum accused The Ten Thousand Dollar Man of having, as governor of Massachusetts, “personally... issued gay marriage licenses,” just because gay marriage was legal.

BUT ARE THEY FACTS? Bachmann: “It’s outrageous to say over and over again during the debates to say that I don’t have my facts right. I am a serious candidate for president of the United States and my facts are accurate,” adding, probably, “They’re coming to steal your light bulbs!”


HE WAS PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS ON HIS PHONE UNDER THE PODIUM: “Good Hair” Perry says he’s “ready for the next level.”

THEN HE TACKLED RON PAUL: Perry: “I hope I am the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucuses.”

GOOD MANNERS COST NOTHING, YOUNG MAN: Romney accused Obama of having “a foreign policy based on pretty please”.


Huntsman: “We have been kicked around as a people. We are getting screwed as Americans.”


MAYBE GOOGLE BOY SHOULDN’T BE USING THE PHRASE “BOTTOM UP”: Santorum: “Medical savings accounts are a bottom up, not top down solution.”

BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF TATOOINE: The Ten Thousand Dollar Man: “In the real world that the president has not lived in... not every business succeeds. In the real world, some things don’t make it.” You may be reminded of that later, Mittens.


SO THEY ASPIRE TO EMULATE IRAN? Santorum says Iran is run by a “radical theocracy,” and Bachmann says Iran is led by an “avowed [sic] madman” and wants to “set up a worldwide caliphate” (and Romney keeps calling for an “American Century” – what’s your point?).

THAT’S A TRICK QUESTION, RIGHT? Ron Paul, though, asks, “Why do we have to bomb so many countries?” He says “We don’t need another war.” Hey, we don’t need a flat-screen tv, we don’t need another donut, but we’re Americans, dammit.


BUT THOSE ARE THE FUNNEST PARTS OF THE JOB: Ron Paul: “I don't want to police individual activities or lifestyle, and I don't want to run the economy.”

LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY: Gingrich says he did “no lobbying of any kind” for Freddie Mac. Hell, he didn’t need to, because he was rich from giving speeches and writing all these “best-selling books”. Readers: have any of you actually bought one of these “best-selling” books? Has anyone you know ever bought one? Bachmann says “You don’t need to be within the technical definition of being a lobbyist to still be influence-peddling”. Wait, did Crazy Eyes just say something that made sense? Gingrich says that “There are a lot of government-sponsored enterprises that are awfully important and do an awfully good job.” I’m assuming his candidacy is now over.


Everyone hates the courts. Gingrich calls the 9th Circuit “anti-American” because of that 2002 Pledge of Allegiance decision and says courts have become “grotesquely dictatorial.” Envy much? He wants to fire judges that disagree with him, and order them to come to Congress to explain any decisions he dislikes. Bachmann denies that the courts are the final arbiters of law (fuck Marbury v. Madison!), praises Iowans for voting down the justices who supported gay marriage.

Republican Debate: Ten-thousand-dollar bet?

No transcript available, so this’ll be a bit jumbled.

Romney came out firmly against lunar colonies.

Bachmann talked about “Newt Romney,” which is either a reference to their both having supported a health insurance mandate in the past, or to some slash fic she’s been posting anonymously on the internet.


Tweaked again by Perry about removing from the paperback edition of his book a reference to extending Romneycare nationwide, Twitt responded, “I’ll tell you what: 10,000 bucks? Ten-thousand-dollar bet?” At which point, they might as well have turned off the cameras and gone home, since that’s all anyone will remember. What’s interesting about the rich guy mistakes – this, demolishing the mansion in San Diego to build an even bigger mansion, etc – is that he keeps making them over and over.


MA, MA, WHERE’S MY PA? I don’t know what it says about the state of politics that it won’t have occurred to most viewers that there’s something out of the ordinary about a candidate talking about another candidate’s sex life. I don’t think Blaine went after Cleveland’s alleged illegitimate child personally. Rick Perry, though: “If you cheat on your wife, you’ll cheat on your business partner, so I think that issue of fidelity is important.”

GONE TO THE WHITE HOUSE, HA HA HA: Gingrich responded, “I’ve said in my case, I’ve made mistakes at times -- I’m also a 68-year-old grandfather and I think people have to measure what I do now.” I think he’s saying that he can’t get it up anymore, so the White House interns are probably safe. I wonder how Callista feels about the affair that turned into her marriage being referred to as a “mistake.” And about those grandchildren – their grandmother was the woman with cancer you divorced. Gingrich says “I’ve had to go to God for forgiveness.” So that’s okay then.


In the talk about Israel, Gingrich and Romney both tried to position themselves as close as possible to their good friend “Bibi,” promising to subordinate their Middle East policies not just to Israel but to Likud. Romney literally said that before he’d make a statement like Gingrich’s about the Palestinians being an invented people, he’d call Bibi and ask permission. No one had a sympathetic word for the Palestinians and several strongly implied that they were all terrorists. Gingrich doubled down on the “invented people” thing – “I spoke as a historian” (and he usually gets $1.6 million for that) – why, he says, the term “Palestinian” was never even heard before 1977. Also, speaking the “truth” about Palestinians’ non-existence makes him exactly like Reagan calling the Soviet Union an evil empire. He complained that “we [are] in a situation where every day rockets are fired into Israel” – every day? I think not – “while the United States -- the current administration, tries to pressure the Israelis into a peace process.” You know when you need a peace process? When rockets are fired into your country “every day.” Mittens said Gingrich threw “incendiary words into a place which is a boiling pot.” If it’s already boiling, then... oh, never mind.


Romney accused Gingrich of being a, gasp, career politician, and G. shot back, “The only reason you didn’t become a career politician is that you lost to Teddy Kennedy in 1994.” Romney said, “Losing to Teddy Kennedy was probably the best thing I could have done.” Boy, he’s just lucky that way.

The candidates were asked to prove that they understood what it’s like to be poor even though none of them are poor. Perry said he didn’t have running water growing up; Gingrich said he once lived in an apartment over a gas station. Romney admits he’s never been poor, but his father was, so that’s close enough. Michele Bachmann says she still clips coupons, which brings up the frightening prospect of Michele Bachmann with a pair of scissors.


Bachmann praises Herman Cain for teaching her to “reduce things to a very simple level so people can understand it” and now “you can’t have a debate without saying 9-9-9,” but rather than “9-9-9,” her motto will be “win, win, win.”



(Update: Gingrich on Palestine: “These people are terrorists. They teach terrorism in their schools. They have textbooks that say, ‘If there are 13 Jews and nine Jews are killed, how many Jews are left?’” ABC did not give a reaction shot of Rick Perry, but I’ll bet he was working it out on his fingers.)

Quote of the Day

The Bachmann: “This type of amnesty will only encourage other illegals to enter our country illegally.”

Republican Foreign Policy Debate: All of us will be in danger for the rest of our lives

Tonight’s debate was brought to you by the Heritage Foundation, the American Enterprise Institute, and Satan. Some of the questions came from Ed Meese, Paul Wolfowitz, and David Addington, a reminder that as bumbling, inept, proudly ignorant, and tongue-tied as this bunch of candidates might be, their party has behind them a talent pool of some of the most evil bastards in the world ready to staff their administration.

Transcript.

“I’m Wolf Blitzer and yes, that’s my real name.”

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE?: Ron Paul’s opening statement: “I am convinced that needless and unnecessary wars are a great detriment.”

WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE, WILLARD? Romney: “I’m Mitt Romney and yes, Wolf, that’s also my first name.”


AN HONEST UNDERSTANDING: Gingrich wants to extend the Patriot Act forever, and strengthen it, “building an honest understanding that all of us will be in danger for the rest of our lives.”

Ron Paul responds, “you never have to give up liberty for security,” and is immediately pepper-sprayed by Lt. Pike.

WHAT WE HAVE TO REALIZE: Bachmann: “We have to realize we’re in a very different war”. She repeats her line from two debates ago about Obama “hand[ing] over our interrogation of terrorists to the ACLU. He has outsourced it to them. Our CIA has no ability to have any form of interrogation for terrorists.” Because it doesn’t count as interrogation if there’s no waterboarding.

SOMEONE WE’LL LOOK AT: Perry wants to privatize the TSA and eliminate unions. Ditto Santorum, who also wants to profile Muslims, especially young male Muslims. “I think Muslims will be someone we’ll look at.” Cain wants “targeted identification.” “If you take a look at the people who are trying to kill us it would be easy to figure out.” Because they look all terroristy, if you know what I mean. About 30 seconds later he calls Blitzer “Blitz.” So much for targeted identification.

WITH THEIR PARTIES AND THEIR LOUD MUSIC, I’M GUESSING: Huntsman says Pakistan is “the country that ought to keep everybody up at night.” He calls Pakistan “a haven for bad behavior.”


Bachmann, who does not know what the word epicenter means, calls Pakistan “the epicenter of dealing with terrorism.” So which is it, a haven or an epicenter? She says the possibility of Al Qaida getting Pakistani nukes “is more than an existential threat. We have to take this very seriously.” She doesn’t know what the word existential means either. She says Pakistan is “kind of like too nuclear to fail.” Perry says he would cut off all aid and send Pakistan to its room until it proves it can be trusted, and then Bachmann calls him naive, so yeah, that happened.

Perry thinks the answer is to get Afghanistan, India and Pakistan into a free-trade zone, which would get “Pakistan to understand that they have to work with all of the countries in that region.”

HEY, MITT, DON’T LET THE PITH HELMET MESS UP YOUR HAIR: “We need to bring Pakistan into the 21st century, or the 20th century for that matter,” just like “what happened in Indonesia back in the 1960s, where -- where we helped Indonesia move toward modernity with new leadership.” And gave them names of people to be killed as part of the genocidal slaughter of a million people. You know, modernity.

Romney says “This is not time for America to cut and run” from Afghanistan. I’m sure he’ll tell us when it is time for America to cut and run.

Gingrich stopped in the middle of talking about killing bin Laden to ask whether he had 30 seconds or longer to give his answer, because “I’m happy to play by the rules, I just want to know what they are.” Which I thought was amusing because he meant play by the rules as far as answering within a given time-frame, not play by the rules against sending troops into a country secretly to kill people. He says Pakistan was furious with us about that, but we should have been furious at them, because Gingrich likes pretending to be furious about things.


Some Heritage Foundation douche asks if we should help Israel attack Iran.

MOUNTAINOUS: Herman Cain reminds us that “when you talk about attacking Iran, it is a very mountainous region.” But “in some instances, depending upon how strong the plan is, we would join with Israel for that, if it was clear what the mission was and it was clear what the definition of victory was.”

victory >noun (pl. victories) an act of defeating an opponent in a battle or competition.
-ORIGIN Latin victoria.

Hope that helps.

Ron Paul says he wouldn’t, because Israel has several hundred nuclear missiles and “they can take care of themselves,” if by take care of themselves you mean turn the Middle East into a radioactive hellscape.

Herman Cain again wants to remind us that Iran is very mountainous. He does not like heights. Hell, he won’t even sexually harass tall women.

It’s like he learns one new fact for each debate, and this one was that Iran is mountainous.

SERIOUS: Perry wants to sanction the Iranian Central Bank and put a no-fly zone over Syria. “And in that moment, they will understand that America is serious.” But then they’d realize it was “President Perry” ordering these things, and understand that America is not serious.

Blitz, as he will no doubt forever henceforth be known, asks if cutting off all Iranian oil wouldn’t wreck the European economy. Gingrich says that his energy program would actually produce an energy surplus in the United States, which would evidently be large enough to “literally replace the Iranian oil.” So the US would suddenly become a huge net exporter of energy with what, dilithium crystals?

The Newtster goes on: “But if we were serious, we could break the Iranian regime, I think, within a year, starting candidly with cutting off the gasoline supply to Iran, and then, frankly, sabotaging the only refinery they have.”


Bachmann says that Obama “met with [Iran] with no preconditions. It’s the doctrine of appeasement.” When did that happen?

Santorum says he supported AIDS assistance to Africa because “Africa was a country on the brink.” Santorum says that “America is that shining city on the hill.” No word from Cain on whether the “country” of Africa is mountainous, but the “city” of America definitely sounds mountainous.

Blitz keeps having to repeat the questions for Cain.

Ron Paul says “the [foreign] aid is all worthless.”

Romney thinks a trillion dollars is being taken out of the defense budget and put into Obamacare. Paul says nonsense, and is immediately pepper-sprayed by Lt. Pike.

Romney says “The right course in America is to stand up to Iran with crippling sanctions” – if I were a psychoanalyst, I’d have hours of fun analyzing Twitt’s notion of “standing up” to someone by “crippling” them. And we should indict Ahmadinejad for violating the Genocide Convention, because why not.

OR MAYBE A NICE CARD: And once he’s president, “my first trip -- my first foreign trip will be to Israel to show the world we care about that country and that region.”

Gingrich says “if we were a serious country,” “we would open up enough oil fields in the next year that the price of oil worldwide would collapse.” Collapse? If we had that as much oil under our feet as he seems to think, well, nobody better light a match. Also, “Lean Six Sigma,” which sounds like the name of one of his crappy novels.

Gingrich says he would bomb Iranian nuclear facilities “only as a last recourse and only as a step toward replacing the regime.” Bombing our way to a friendly regime in Iran, because what could go wrong.


Rick Perry says the supercommittee failed – “it was a super-failure” – because Rick Perry is hilarious. And if Leon Panetta is an honorable man, he will resign to protest the sequestrations. So obviously that will happen, because Little Leon wouldn’t want Rick Perry to think he wasn’t an honorable man.

WHAT HER VOICE(S) SAID: Bachmann: “Let me answer that in the context of the super committee, because I was involved in the middle of that fight as a member of Congress this summer. And my voice said this. I said it’s time for us to draw a line in the sand.”

I KNEW JIMMY MONROE; JIMMY MONROE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE; AND YOU, SIR... Rick Perry: “I think it’s time for a 21st century Monroe Doctrine.” Evidently “We know that Hamas and Hezbollah are working in Mexico, as well as Iran, with their ploy to come into the United States.”

Ron Paul calls for an end to the war on drugs, and is immediately pepper-sprayed by Lt. Pike. He says we should eliminate the entire welfare state, which is just an incentive for illegal immigrants to bring their families.

Gingrich calls for a “humane” immigration policy, with “something like a World War II Selective Service Board that, frankly, reviews the people who are here.” He’d consider letting people who’ve been here 25 years and have grandchildren and are in a local church (he mentioned that twice) stay. “[A]s somebody who believes strongly in family” – why, I’ve had several! – “you’ll have a hard time explaining why that particular subset is being broken up and forced to leave”.

Bachmann, selectively listening to Gingrich, or just not understanding, keeps saying he wants amnesty for 11 million people and a federal DREAM Act. “We need to move away from magnets, not offer more.” Magnets, as we know, scare our Michele, for some reason.


Next up is Romney, who doesn’t like magnets either, because they might get too close to his robotic CPU; he wants to “turn... off the magnets of amnesty”.

Perry is also anti-magnet (they mess his hair up somehow? I got nothin’.)

Romney says “The answer is we’re going to have a system that gives people who come legally a card that identifies them as coming here legally.” Hey, I know, we could make that card yellow, no wait, green, yeah green. “Employers are going to be expected to inspect that card, see if they’re here legally.”

The Blitz helpfully prefaces a question: “Herman Cain, you may not know this, but today Governor Perry called for a no-fly zone, for the U.S. to participate in a no-fly zone over Syria.” He actually did that in this very debate, but yeah, Herman Cain probably doesn’t know this.

You know, I could analyze what Cain and Perry said about Syria, but why?

Oh wait, somewhere in the middle of his answer, Perry started talking about how Syria and Iran are linked, so a no-fly zone over Syria is one of the ways we stop Iran developing nuclear weapons.

Asked about the Arab Spring, Huntsman is talking about the end of the Ottoman Empire.

Paul notes that a no-fly zone would be an act of war. “I would say why don’t we mind our own business?” He is immediately pepper-sprayed by Lt. Pike.

Romney, perhaps after exposure to a magnet, started gibbering: “President Obama’s foreign policy is one of saying, first of all, America’s just another nation with a flag. I believe America is an exceptional and unique nation. President Obama feels that we’re going to be a nation which has multipolar balancing militaries. I believe that American military superiority is the right course. President Obama says that we have people throughout the world with common interests. I just don’t agree with him. I think there are people in the world that want to oppress other people, that are evil. President Obama seems to think that we’re going to have a global century, an Asian century. I believe we have to have an American century, where America leads the free world and the free world leads the entire world.” He does, however, point out that a no-fly zone in Syria is silly because there’s no bombing.

Someone asks what security issue they’re worried about that nobody has asked them about. Santorum says “militant socialists” in Central and South America “bonding together” with radical Islamists. Paul worries about overreaction and getting into more unnecessary wars, and is immediately pepper-sprayed by Lt. Pike. Perry worries about Communist China which “is destined for the ash heap of history because they are not a country of virtues,” with the forced abortions and cybersecurity. Romney says Hezbollah in Latin America. Cain says cyber attacks. Gingrich says WMD attacks on an American city, electromagnetic pulse attacks, and cyber attacks. Bachmann says Al-Shabaab in Minnesota. Huntsman says the American economy and the trust deficit.

Republican foreign policy debate: If we reelect Barack Obama, Iran will have a nuclear weapon

Another debate, which CBS calls the Commander in Chief Debate, which would be appropriate if the subject were confined to military issues but is not because it was also about foreign policy.

Transcript part 1, part 2.

Twitt Romney said Iran’s nuclear program (which he calls “their nuclear folly”) is “of course, President Obama’s greatest failing, from a foreign policy standpoint”. He should have encouraged Iranian dissidents with covert aid and threatened military action against Iran. “Look, one thing you can know-- and that is if we reelect Barack Obama, Iran will have a nuclear weapon. And if we elect Mitt Romney... they will not have a nuclear weapon.”


Gingrich agrees that Obama “skipped all the ways to be smart” about Iran. Maybe Gingrich shouldn’t talk about skipping. In fact, I want everyone to close your eyes and picture Newt Gingrich skipping.

Anyway, Newton says that the smart thing to do is “maximum covert operations,” including murdering their scientists – Republicans just do not like science – “covertly, all of it deniable,” to team up with Israel, undermine Iran’s government and if it fails to collapse, go in militarily.

Ron Paul is against going to war with Iran.

They weren’t going to ask Perry about Iran, but he insisted on telling them anyway. He would “sanction the Iranian Central Bank right now and shut down that country’s economy.”

Santorum says we should work with Israel to let them bomb the nuclear program out of existence “before the next explosion we hear in Iran is a nuclear one and then the world changes.” Sounds familiar.

Huntsman wants to bring US troops home from Afghanistan, because we’ve won.


Romney says he would never negotiate with the Taliban.

Gingrich, playing the history professor, badly, says, “the Taliban survives for the... very same reason that historically we said guerillas always survive, which is they have a sanctuary. The sanctuary’s Pakistan. You’re never gonna stop the Taliban as long as they can sort of hide.” Which is why Nixon bombing Cambodia defeated the Viet Cong, right Newt?

Major Garrett, who is not a major, quotes Herman Cain that the US needs to be clear about who its friends and foes are. Are you clear about which one Pakistan is, Mr. Cain? No, Herman Cain is not. Because bin Laden and because Karzai said he would side with Pakistan in a US-Pakistan dispute (which actually raises questions about Karzai, not Pakistan, obviously). “Will they make commitments relative to the commitment of their military, if we have to make commitments?” I’m guessing Newt Gingrich squirmed each time Cain used the word commitment.

Asked about Afghanistan, Rick Perry talked about foreign aid instead. And “The foreign aid budget in my administration for every country is gonna start at zero dollars. Zero dollars. And then we’ll have a conversation. Then we’ll have a conversation in this country about whether or not a penny of our taxpayer dollar needs to go into those countries. And Pakistan is clearly sending us messages, Mitt.” Are you sure that’s not the voices in your head sending you messages? “It’s clearly sending us messages that they, they don’t deserve our foreign aid that we’re getting, because they’re not bein’ honest with us.”

Bachmann says Iran is plotting a “worldwide nuclear war” against Israel.


Gingrich agrees about starting foreign aid at zero “and say, ‘Explain to me why I should give you a penny.’” Clearly the problem with foreign aid is that foreign countries aren’t made to humiliatingly beg President Newt nearly enough. And Egypt should be cut off too, if “the Arab Spring become[s] an anti-Christian spring”.

Santorum says we have to give aid to Pakistan because they have nukes. Oddly, this statement is being treated as a sign of his relative sophistication. He is, admittedly, the only one willing to suggest that the US has to work at friendship with other nations, rather than seeing every other nation on earth as supplicants for our favor.

Gingrich says for the second time that he would “adopt the Reagan/John Paul II/Thatcher strategy towards Iran.” And towards North Korea.

Asked to demonstrate his famous outside-the-box thinking, Gingrich says he would repudiate Agenda 21 and apply Lean Six Sigma to the Pentagon. Okay then.

Asked when he would overrule his generals, Cain says he would surround himself with the right people. “You will know you’re makin’ the right decision when you consider all the facts and ask them for alternatives. It is up to the commander in chief to make that judgment call based upon all the facts. And because I’ll have mult-- a multiple group of people offering different recommendations, this gives me the best opportunity to select the one that makes the most amount of sense.” Isn’t a leader supposed to set the agenda, not tick a box?

Drink it in, ladies, drink it in.

Ah. Asked the same question, Santorum says he’d come with a clear agenda, just like I said, and, will only hire people who share his approach. Suddenly Cain listening to different recommendations and ticking a box sounds more appealing than the ideological bubble Santorum plans to live in. The American people, he says, would be “electing someone who’s gonna be very crystal clear.” Not just crystal clear. Very crystal clear.

Speaking of being very crystal clear, Santorum says about the murdered Iranian nuclear scientists: “I hope that the United States has been involved with that.”

Perry says being “commander in chief” of the Texas National Guard is just like being president. “I’ve dealt with generals.”


Cain: “I do not agree with torture, period.” Please no one tell Cain about his little tell until I get a chance to play poker with him. Cain: “Wow, look at these cards, I’ve got a really great hand here, period.” Me: “Raise.”

“However, I will trust the judgment of our military leaders to determine what is torture and what is not torture.” And waterboarding isn’t torture, it’s enhanced interrogation, and he’d bring it back.

Bachmann also loves her some waterboarding. She says “I think it was very effective.” And Obama “is allowing the ACLU to run the CIA,” adding “according to the voices in my head which are running my mouth.” Indeed, “when we interdict a terrorist on the battlefield, we have no jail for them.” Um, what? “It is as though we have decided we want to lose in the War on Terror under President Obama. That’s not my strategy. My strategy will be that the United States will be victorious in the War on Terror.” See, and you didn’t think she had a strategy.

Ron Paul says waterboarding is torture, illegal under international law, and immoral, and uncivilized, and doesn’t work. Huntsman agrees.

Can a president simply order the killing of an American citizen suspected of terrorism? Absolutely, says Romney. Then he says that “this century must be an American century where America has the strongest values, the strongest economy, and the strongest military.” Nice to invoke “strongest values” right after advocating lawless executions. And a couple of seconds after that he said, “And I will stand and use whatever means necessary within the law to make sure that we protect America’s citizens and Americans’ rights.” Law? Rights?


Gingrich denies that Awlaki was a “terrorist suspect. He’s a person who was found guilty under review of actively seeking the death of Americans. ... He was found guilty by a panel that looked at it and reported to the president.” He even says that that is the rule of law. “Waging war on the United States is outside criminal law.”

Perry says China needs “to change their virtues.”

Romney calls for a trade war against China, because there’s a trade war going on now.

Huntsman points out that Romney is wrong that we can take China to the WTO on currency manipulation charges.

A question for Perry from Twitter. Would Israel also start at zero? Yes, but they’d jew us up (as they say in Texas).

Cain says the Arab Spring has “gotten totally out of hand” because the protesters were really the Muslim Brotherhood in disguise. Obama “has been on the wrong side in nearly every situation in the Arab world”.

Gingrich complains that Mubarak “was dumped overnight by this administration”. He also says he would defeat Syria through covert means. You know, Newt, it’s not covert if you guys keep talking about it. He thinks getting rid of Bashar al-Assad is simply a matter of will: “if the United States and Europe communicated clearly that Assad was going to go, I think you would find Europe, there’s a very tiny faction. And I think you would find him likely to be replaced very rapidly.”


And then, the questioning is turned over to South Carolina’s senators Lindsay Graham and Jim DeMint, because the debate took place in South Carolina and they wanted to remind us why South Carolina is awful.

Graham (“Three-part question. I hope I can remember all three parts”) asks about torture and Guantanamo. Cain is in favor of both because “pampering terrorists isn’t something that we ought to do.” Ditto Santorum. Paul says “We’re pretending we’re at war. We haven’t declared the war, but we’re at war against a tactic. And therefore, there’s no limits to it.” Perry says “these techniques” help save American soldiers’ lives, and “that’s what happens in war” and “I will be for it until I die.”

DeMint asks what programs they’d cut. Bachmann says the entire Great Society: “If you look at China, they don’t have food stamps.” Well, sure, because an hour later you’d want food stamps again (sorry). “If you look at China, they’re in a very different situ-- they save for their own retirement security. They don’t have pay FDC. They don’t have the modern welfare state. And China’s growing. And so what I would do is look at the programs that LBJ gave us with The Great Society, and they’d be gone.” That’s why China built the Great Wall: to keep out Americans fleeing to China to escape from the Great Society.

Romney says we don’t need to invade Pakistan to clear the safe havens, because Pakistan is “comfortable” with our using drones. I’d make fun of that word choice if it weren’t sadly appropriate.

Republican Debate: Commerce, education and, uh.... Oops

Transcript.

Naturally, the questioning began with Herman Cain: how do we save Italy’s economy [insert stupid pizza joke here]. He tries not to say anything about Italy, but on a follow-up, says that Italy is too far gone to save. Sorry, Italy.

OH, I AM SO NOT TOUCHING THIS ONE: Cain: “This administration has done nothing but put stuff in the caboose, and it’s not moving this economy.”


Romney insists that Europe can take care of its own problems, in spite of the evidence of centuries of history to the contrary.

ROMNEY: “I’m a man of steadiness and constancy,” adding, “unless you don’t want me to be.” He offered as proof of this steadiness and constancy that he has been married to same woman for 42 years. Which is one year less than Herman Cain.


Perry: “The next president of the United States needs to send a powerful message not just to the people of this country, but around the world, that America is going to be America again”. He didn’t say what country America is now.

PERRY: “And it doesn’t make any difference whether it’s Wall Street or whether it’s some corporate entity or whether it’s some European country. If you are too big to fail, you are too big.” So should Italy be broken up and sold off? Oh wait, Berlusconi’s already pretty much done that.


Bachmann says we have to “legalize American energy.”

Cain: “The American people deserve better than someone being tried in the court of public opinion based on unfounded accusations.” Well, if you hadn’t made those settlements that kept the cases out of courts of law...

NONE OF THAT ACTIVITY: Cain: “And for every -- one person that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably -- there are thousands who would say none of that sort of activity ever came from Herman Cain.”


Gingrich blames Occupy Wall Street on the media, which fails to explain how the economy works. For example, “I have yet to hear a single reporter ask a single Occupy Wall Street person a single rational question about the economy that would lead them to say, for example, ‘Who is going to pay for the park you are occupying if there are no businesses making a profit?’” Dude, you just blew my mind.

A minute before that, Romney had also laughed at how stoopid protesters are: “I remember asking someone, ‘Where do you think profits go? When you hear that a company is profitable, where do you think it goes?’ And they said, ‘Well, to pay the executives their big bonuses.’ I said, ‘No, actually, none of it goes to pay the executives. Profit is what is left over after they have all been paid.’” Well, I’m sure that made them feel very silly indeed.

Bachmann continues to insist that the problem with the tax code is that some people are considered too poor to pay taxes. “So even if it means paying the price of two Happy Meals a year, like $10, everyone can afford to pay at least that.” Maybe they could just mail two Happy Meals to the IRS. “And what it does is create a mentality in the United States that says that freedom is free. But freedom isn’t free. We all benefit. We all need to sacrifice. Everybody has to be a part of this tax code.”

Interestingly, the transcript CNBC provides leaves out the only part of the debate anyone will remember:



Dude remembers his own policies like Cain remembers the names of the women he groped.

Gingrich, asked what exactly Freddie Mac paid his firm $300,000 to do for them in 2006, says they asked for his advice as a historian. I assume they wanted him to explain the Peloponnesian War to them.

Cain complained that some health care bill (HR 3000) was killed by “Princess Nancy.” Oh he treats all women with respect, does Herman Cain.


Gingrich says it’s “absurd” to answer a question about health care in 30 seconds, since he’s been working on that since 1974 (and hasn’t accomplished anything), and that is why he wants seven Lincoln-Douglas debates with Obama, and also because he’s so very very lonely.

Finally, the moderator said, fine, the rules don’t apply to you, take aaall the time you want, Gingrich said: “One, you go back to a doctor-patient relationship and you involve the family in those periods where the patient by themselves can’t make key decisions. But you re-localize it.” Whatever the fuck that means. And he wants (as several others have already called for), Medicaid to be given to the states to “allow the states to really experiment” because what you really want to hear when people are talking about your health care is “Hey, let’s really experiment!”

BRAAAIIINNNNS! BRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS!! “Three,” Gingrich went on, “you focus very intensely on a brand-new program on brain science because the fact is the largest single out-year set of costs we are faced with are Alzheimer’s, autism, Parkinson’s, mental health, and things which come directly from the brain.”


Bachmann explained that “The main problem with health care in the United States today is the issue of cost.” And Obama said Obamacare would cut our premiums and “we have Obamacare, but we didn’t have the savings.” Does she not know that it hasn’t come into effect? Sorry, of course she doesn’t.

Romney: “people have a responsibility to receive their own care, and the doctor-patient relationship is, of course, where that -- where that exists -- where that exists.”

Education. Ron Paul says college costs so much because governments inflate the currency.

IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE THEY ALL START WITH “C”: But how, he is asked, should students pay for college? “The way you pay for cellphones and computers.”


Gingrich says every college should be like the College of the Ozarks (the Harvard of Missouri, as it is probably known). Because those students have to work 20 hours a week, because they’re poor.

Is it okay that California hired a Chinese company to build part of the replacement Bay Bridge? Cain says that the 999 plan would fix that. Romney says China is cheating on WTO rules and stealing intellectual property (that must have been what happened to Rick Perry). Gingrich says 2015 it’ll be cheaper to manufacture in South Carolina and Alabama than in China.

Cain says there are three things wrong with Dodd-Frank. First, insufficient oversight for Fannie & Freddie. Second and third, Dodd and Frank. (See what he did there?)

This was arguably the least coherent debate yet. While some candidates were obviously less informed than others, none gave the impression that they actually understand economics and finance or have actual plans to deal with banking, housing, health care, etc. And to a large extent, they don’t: let the states deal with it, let the market deal with it, let individuals deal with it, let the underpants gnomes deal with it.

Oh, by the way, Perry eventually remembered that it was the Department of Energy that he wants to destroy.

Remember when we were the goofballs in this bunch?

Republican Debate: I’ll bump plans with you, brother

Transcript.

WHAT SORT OF JOBS DO MICHELLE & MARCUS CREATE? SUGGESTIONS IN COMMENTS, PLEASE. Bachmann would oppose a federal sales tax because “my husband and I are job creators.”

She adds that sooner or later liberals would increase it from Cain’s 9% to “maybe 90 percent”.

MANIPULATING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH A 10-MILLION-WORD MESS: Cain says it’s not true that 9-9-9 would raise taxes on most people who aren’t rich, without offering any actual proof. He says “the reason that our plan is being attacked so much is because lobbyists, accountants, politicians, they don’t want to throw out the current tax code and put in something that’s simple and fair. They want to continue to be able to manipulate the American people with a 10-million-word mess.”


Rick Santorum is given the opportunity to inaugurate the Kill Cain with Condescension Campaign™, and does by calling him “well-meaning.” He objects to the elimination of deductions for breeders, saying “we’re going to - we’ve seen that happen in Europe, and what happened? Boom! Birth rates went in the - into the - into the basement.” Boom? That sound effect is a little disturbing. And what’s going on in the basement, exactly?

AND IF THERE’S ONE THING REPUBLICANS CAN’T ABIDE, IT’S KNEE-JERK REACTIONS: Cain responds, “I invite every American to do their own math, because most of these are knee-jerk reactions.” Cain sure knows how to make himself popular with the American people:


I LOVE YOU BROTHER: Perry continues the Kill Cain with Condescension Campaign™: “Herman, I love you, brother, but let me tell you something: You don’t have to have a big analysis to figure this thing out.” Which is just as well, because Perry doesn’t really do “big analysis.” He says that he’ll have his own economic plan at the end of the week; once again, he’s shown up at a debate without an economic plan. But once he does have one, “I’ll bump plans with you, brother - and we’ll see who has the best idea about how you get this country working again.” Do you think he focus-grouped whether he could get away with “bro,” and decided to stick with “brother” instead?


REPLACE THE TAX CODE WITH ORANGES? WHY THAT’S SO CRAZY, IT MIGHT JUST WORK! Perry says that adding a federal sales tax on top of state sales taxes is “not going to fly.” Cain says that’s mixing apples and oranges. “The state tax is an apple. We are replacing the current tax code with oranges. So it’s not correct to mix apples and oranges.” See, I would have thought that the state tax would be the orange and the federal one would be the apple, but then I live in California.

Cain then tells Perry, who hadn’t said a thing about value-added taxes, “So you’re absolutely wrong. It’s not a value-added tax.” He complains that none of his opponents understand the plan. Perhaps because they weren’t thinking in terms of fruit metaphors. Everything’s clearer with fruit metaphors.

Ron Paul says he would replace the income tax with nothing. Not even a citrus fruit of some sort.


THAT’S AN APPLE: Romney asks Cain directly, “are you saying that the state sales tax will also go away?” “No. That’s an apple.” Romney again insists that people would be paying both federal and state sales tax, and Cain increasingly hysterically talks about various fruit products, as if it’s some form of logical argument, and why are people still talking about this after he invoked the argument-ending authority of produce.

Romney joins the Kill Cain with Condescension Campaign™: “I like your chutzpah on this, Herman, but...” As does Gingrich: “I think that Herman Cain deserves a lot of credit. He’s had the courage to go out and take a specific, very big idea,” but...


Bachmann wants everyone to pay taxes, “even if it’s a dollar. Everyone needs to pay something in this country.” I suppose this is isn’t as stupid a strategy as it sounds, since everyone pays taxes and knows they pay taxes, so they’re all willing to stick it to the mythical freeloader who pays no taxes.


Anderson Cooper asks Perry if he’s read Romney’s plan, and for some reason the laziest person in this race fails to answer. He says we need “to create an environment where the men and women get back to work.” Since he plans to end all environmental regulations and drill for every last ounce of oil and coal, I’m assuming that by “environment,” he means “nightmarish hell-scape.” “It’s the reason I laid out a plan, Newt, this last week to get this energy that’s under our feet.” Under your feet in Las Vegas? Have all those bullet-ridden gangsters and strangled prostitutes and chorus girls turned into petroleum already?


Then Gingrich attacks Romneycare, and Romney says he got the idea of individual mandates from Gingrich. Zing!

“YOU LUUUUV MEXICANS.” “NO, YOU LUUUUUUUUUVVVVVV MEXICANS, YOU WANT TO MARRY MEXICANS.” Perry says Texas has “one of the finest health care systems in the world”. And the reason so many people are uninsured there is because of “illegals” and “they’re coming here because there is a magnet. And the magnet is called jobs. And those people that hire illegals ought to be penalized. And Mitt, you lose all of your standing from my perspective because you hired illegals in your home, and you knew for - about it for a year. And the idea that you stand here before us and talk about that you’re strong on immigration is, on its face, the height of hypocrisy.” Romney says giving college tuition credit to “illegals” is a magnet and supports amnesty.


Romney explained that when he was told that his lawn was being mowed by (gasp) illegal aliens, “So we went to the company and we said, look, you can’t have any illegals working on our property. That’s - I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake, I can’t have illegals.”


Herman Cain failed to answer a direct question about whether the border fence he wants would be electrified or not.

Perry wants Predator drones on the border.

Bachmann: “Well, I think the person who really has a problem with illegal immigration in the country is President Obama. It’s his uncle and his aunt who are illegal aliens who’ve been allowed to stay in this country despite the fact that they’re illegal.” She wants a “double-walled fence with a - with a area of security neutrality in between.” I’m not sure what exactly that means, but it sounds rather like the Berlin Wall.

Romney says we just have to “turn off the magnets” – sounds rather like Wile E. Coyote.

Michelle Bachmann agreed: “I think there’s a very real issue with magnets in this country.”


She thinks we need to deal with “anchor babies,” but that somehow she can eliminate the citizenship of people born in this country without amending the 14th Amendment.

HOLD ON, MOMS OUT THERE: Bachmann explains the housing crisis, which evidently mostly effects women in the 1950s or something: “Every day I’m out somewhere in the United States of America, and most of the time I am talking to moms across this country. When you talk about housing, when you talk about foreclosures, you’re talking about women who are at the end of their rope because they’re losing their nest for their children and for their family. And there are women right now all across this country and moms across this country whose husbands, through not fault of their own, are losing their job and they can’t keep that house. And there are women who are losing that house. I’m a mom. I talk to these moms. I just want to say one thing to moms all across America tonight. This is a real issue; it’s got to be solved. .... Hold on, moms out there. It’s not too late.”

CASH WOULD BE FINE: Cain still hates the Occupationistas: “But my point is this: What are the people who are protesting want from bankers on Wall Street? To come downstairs and write them a check? This is what we don’t understand.” They should be protesting at the White House. Obviously.

HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WITH POWER IF YOU DON’T PRAY? Asked if a candidate’s religion should be taken into account, Santorum says yes. Gingrich says yes, because of the Northwest Ordinance of 1787 and “how can you have judgment if you have no faith? And how can I trust you with power if you don’t pray? Who you pray to, how you pray, how you come close to God is between you and God. But the notion that you’re endowed by your creator sets a certain boundary on what we mean by America.”


AMERICANS UNDERSTAND FAITH: Perry: “But the fact is, Americans understand faith, and what they’ve lost faith in is the current resident of the White House.”

Romney: “that idea that we should choose people based upon their religion for public office is what I find to be most troubling”.


WE’RE BEING DISSED! Bachmann says the alleged Iranian assassination plot shows that Iran “disrespect[s] the United States,” and Iraq’s refusal to give immunity to US troops after this year shows “how disrespected the United States is in the world today” and we need to nuke Iran or something. If she is president, “We will be respected again in the world.”

No, really, that’s what she said.

Santorum says Iran “attacked” us (the alleged plot again) because we’re the supreme leader of the secular world.

Perry wants to cut foreign aid and defund the UN, and Palestine is trying “to have themselves approved as a state without going through the proper channels”. Oh dear, did they not fill out all the forms?

Paul, of course, wants to end all foreign aid, even for Israel, which just “teaches them to be dependent.”


Bachmann wants Iraq and Libya to “reimburse” us for “liberating” them.

Cain, who earlier today said that he’d consider letting Guantanamo prisoners go in exchange for American prisoners, now says he would “never agree to letting hostages in Guantanamo Bay go.”

Since everyone was saying they wouldn’t negotiate with terrorists, Ron Paul asks if everyone on the stage would condemn Reagan for the arms-for-hostages deal. Santorum says it’s not the same thing because Iran’s a sovereign country and not a terrorist organization.

Santorum says he can beat Obama, no matter what the polls say, because “No one in this field has won a swing state. Pennsylvania’s a swing state. We win Pennsylvania, we win the election.” And what happened the last time you ran in Pennsylvania?


THE GOOD NEWS: Bachmann: “The good news is the cake is baked. Barack Obama will be a one-term president.” She added, “I am the most different candidate from Barack Obama than anyone on this stage.”

Gingrich says he’s the strongest candidate “because of sheer substance”. And he would challenge Obama to seven three-hour debates. Anderson Cooper says CNN would love to host them. Speaking for every blogger, everyone on Twitter who covers these things, No. Just no.