The Last Presidential Debate: We can’t kill our way out of this mess

Transcript.

(Note written half-way through: I’m tempted to remove all indicators of who said what and let you guess, maybe have a quiz, watch the hilarity ensue.)

The questions start with fucking Benghazi, which is so inconsequential in the context of, you know, the world, and global foreign policy, that I am so fucking sick of hearing about this shiny-object issue.

R: an attack in Benghazi by “terrorists of some kind”

R on the Middle East: “we can’t kill our way out of this mess.” We’d have to change the national slogan from “Killing Our Way Out of This Mess Since 1776.”

I had to look back at the transcript to figure out what “this mess” meant. It’s evidently his term for the entire Middle East.

R: My strategy is to “go after the bad guys” (He’s totally into the bad boys) “to interrupt them...” Well, he’s good at that. “... to kill them.” In other words, to kill our way out of this mess.

He also wants to “get the Muslim world to be able to reject extremism on its own.” Just like he did the Republican Party.

O: “And the 1980s are now calling to ask for their foreign policy back because, you know, the Cold War’s been over for 20 years.” How are the 1980s calling us, anyway? It would be extremely weird if the 1980s were tweeting at us.

Hey, Barack, 2007 called, it wants its sitcom meme back.

BUT IT SURE IS FUN: R: “attacking me is not an agenda.”

O: “I am confident that Assad’s days are numbered.” So he’s not immortal? Good to know.

R: “Syria’s an opportunity for us.” Yeah, that’s how Syrians want to hear we think about them.

Oh, it gets better. He talks about organizing the “responsible” parties in Syria. And then arming them. They can call themselves the “Armed and Responsible Party.” And he wants a “council.”

Both of them say we need to coordinate our Syria policy with Israel, which a) paints the Syrian opposition as puppets of Israel, b) suggests that it’s legitimate for Israel (as well as the US) to intervene to shape Syria’s future government. What “responsible” Syrians could work with people who think that?

O says we went into Libya and “immediately stop[ped] the massacre there”. Is that how he remembers it?

O: “Moammar Gadhafi had more American blood on his hands than any individual other than Osama bin Laden.” Unless you count George Bush.

R has mentioned “responsible” parties in Syria like thirty times now. No one is asking him to define his terms.

R: “But unfortunately, in nowhere in the world is America’s influence greater today than it was four years ago.” Because nothing said American influence like the reaction of world leaders when they heard that George Bush was on the phone.

I thought this was supposed to be the foreign policy debate, but evidently they’ve gotten bored with the rest of the world.

O: “Now, keep in mind that our military spending has gone up every single year that I’ve been in office. We spend more on our military than the next 10 countries combined -- China, Russia, France, the United -- United Kingdom, you name it, next 10.” And this was a good idea because...?

Romney says our navy is smaller than at any time since 1917. Wasn’t it 1916 in the last debate? Is this a Lusitania thing? Oh, and the air force is “older and smaller” than it was in 1947.

O notes that we also have fewer horses and bayonets. Instantly wins that exchange.

O adds that it’s “not a game of Battleship where we’re counting ships.” Navy Secretary... who the fuck is the navy secretary?... Ray Mabus... must be feeling very dejected right about now. Dude lives for a good game of Battleship.

O brags about “crippling” Iran’s economy.

R is against not only a nuclear Iran but also a “nuclear-capable Iran,” which is a term that means pretty much whatever we want it to mean, justifying attacking them whenever we feel like attacking them.

R also appreciates “crippling” sanctions. Because you can’t have enough cripples.

R would “indict” Ahmadinejad for genocide incitation. Did you know the president of the United States could indict the president of Iran? It’s right there in the Constitution, probably. Indeed, did you know that you can indict people for genocide who have committed no genocide? Me neither.

O: “You know, there have been times, Governor, frankly, during the course of this campaign, where it sounded like you thought that you’d do the some things we did, but you’d say them louder and somehow that that would make a difference.” Also, more dickishly.

Apology tour! Drink!!

R: my crippling sanctions will be more crippling than his crippling sanctions.

R on the apology tour: “You said that on occasion America had dictated to other nations. Mr. President, America has not dictated to other nations. We have freed other nations from dictators.” And from democracies. And from many of their citizens being alive. Because we’re all about the freeing.

O. says when he went to Israel, it wasn’t a fundraising tour. Another reasonably good response that he could have come up with a few months ago. And he went to the Holocaust museum, and totally bought a t-shirt in the gift shop, so don’t tell him he doesn’t love Israel.

R: “I look around the world, I don’t see our influence growing around the world. I see our influence receding”. For example, our influence around the world would be greater if our relations with Israel were better. Because Israel is the most beloved country in the world.

O says it was a good idea to kill bin Laden because he met some girl whose father was in the Twin Towers, and killing bin Laden brought closure to her. Obama is all about bringing closure to teenage girls.

That came out creepy in a way I didn’t intend.

Asked what he’d do if in 2014 Afghanistan weren’t ready to handle its own security, Romney totally rejects the premise. Unpossible! Asked what he’d do if Netanyahu called up and said his planes were on their way to bomb Iran, Romney totally rejects the premise. Unpossible!

O: “there’s no reason why Americans should die when Afghans are perfectly capable of defending their own country.” That probably sounded better in the original LBJ.

Actually, it didn’t.

R. looooves him some drones.

O. stopped China from flooding us with cheap tires. I’m pretty sure that was the plot of a Fu Manchu movie.

R: China has 20 million people coming out of the farms every year. And you thought they just grew rice.

R: we can be a partner with China. “Now, they look at us and say, is it a good idea to be with America?” It’s because we’re fat, isn’t it?

China counterfeited some valves! Nuke them!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Let’s check the record.

MR. ROMNEY: That’s the height of silliness.

ROMNEY: “I’m still speaking.” Drink!

In the foreign policy debate, both closing statements were entirely about domestic issues.

Two references to George Bush in the entire debate, one by each candidate (fewer than the number of times Romney brought up Mali or used the phrase “spinning centrifuges”), and both of those references were on economic issues. American foreign policy began in 2009.

Don't see comments? Click on the post title to view or post comments.

Presidential debate: I brought us whole binders full of women

Transcript.

Let’s begin with a quote from Oscar Wilde, whose birthday this is: “A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.”

The audience at this debate consists of undecided voters. If you saw the season premiere of The Walking Dead, undecided voters are like that but with slightly better hygiene.

Some nervous Jewish college student named Jeremy, who really looks like a Jeremy, asks if he’ll ever have a job. Mittens lies about Pell Grants, then says he knows what it takes to create jobs. Jeremy is thinking “a job, I only want one fucking job.” Obama says he wants to build industrial jobs. I don’t think nervous Jewish college boy was thinking of working on an assembly line, riveting bumpers on Buicks.

Obama is trying to look interested and attentive while Romney is speaking. Actually looks pained.

“What Gov. Romney said just isn’t true.” In debate prep, they had to hit him with electric jolts 23 times before they got him to say that.

Obama says we need to move to energy independence, an impossibility I thought only Republicans talked about. Drill, baby, drill!

Romney says Obama stopped oil drilling in North Dakota because of migratory birds. Dude just does not like birds, Big or otherwise. Says Obama “has not been Mr. Oil or Mr. Gas or Mr. Coal.” (Insert birth certificate joke here.) Says he’ll make North America energy independent in 8 years. Every Mexican and Canadian just shivered without quite knowing why. Mitt Romney just declared himself True Czar of All the Americas.

“very little of what Gov. Romney just said was true.”

Obama: “clean coal technology.” Sigh. Oh lord, he gets into a who-loves-coal-more contest with Romney: “I hear Governor Romney say he’s a big coal guy... when you were governor of Massachusetts, you stood in front of a coal plant and pointed at it and said, this plant kills, and took great pride in shutting it down. And now suddenly you’re a big champion of coal.” Romney has done, like, two or three decent things in his entire life, and Obama shits on one of them. Is Obama saying coal plants don’t kill?

IS OBAMA SAYING THEY DON’T?

Romney: “I appreciate wind jobs in Iowa.” I think that’s like blow jobs, but with corn, somehow.

Romney is sitting on that stool almost as if he’d practiced it.

Wait, Romney knows how much a gallon of gas costs?

Romney says something about a “bucket, if you will, of deductions.” Can I deduct my bucket?

Romney doing the smirk thing.

Obama nicely and more or less accurately describes how Romney’s plans will drive up the deficit, because the deficit is the only fucking thing that fucking matters. Says Mittens can’t name what deductions he’ll close. Not won’t, can’t. Says the only things Romney has said he will cut to make up for it all is PBS and Planned Parenthood. While he speaks, the Mittenssmirk reaches unprecedented levels of smugness.

Romney: “of course they [R’s numbers] add up.”

R: “This puts us on a road to Greece.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen one more than a few minutes of one of those Hope-Crosby movies.

Romney walks closer and closer to Candy as he refuses her entreaties to stop talking when his time runs out.

R on sex equality in the workplace: In Massachusetts “I brought us whole binders full of women.” That’s a Mormon thing, probably.

He adds that “I recognized that if you’re going to have women in the workforce...” If! “...that sometimes they need to be more flexible.” So they can do their domestic chores with no help from their husbands, like God intended.

Romney is repeating the word economy over and over until it loses all meaning.

Obama says he wants gender equality because he has two daughters, and all Romney has is stinky boys.

R. says he thinks every woman should have access to contraceptives and that employers shouldn’t have a veto on that. Oooo-kay.

R: “President Bush and I are different people.” Prove it.

By the way, New York Magazine says George Bush now spends his time “painting, making portraits of dogs and arid Texas landscapes.” Finger-painting with his own feces, one imagines.

Obama says Romney looooves China, he wants to marry China, he’s investing in companies selling surveillance equipment to China. “You’re the last person who’s going to get tough on China.”

O says R much worse than Bush, he’s “gone to a more extreme place when it comes to social policy”.

Wait, bald black guy who says he voted for Obama in 2008 asks why he deserves his vote in 2012. That’s it? Of all the questions from all the audience members, that vague nothingburger made the cut?

R supports immigration because his father was born in Mexico and came here. His father was an American citizen, it’s not the same fucking thing.

Romney says Obama has money in the Caymans too. Candy wonders out loud what this has to do with immigration.

Candy just told Mitt to sit down.

Obama (re Benghazi): “While we were still dealing with our diplomats being threatened, Governor Romney put out a press release trying to make political points. And that’s not how a commander in chief operates. You don’t turn national security into a political issue”. Obama hasn’t really been paying attention for a very long time now, has he?

The problem here is that he was asked about what he did about embassy security before the attacks, not what he’ll do now (which, in case you were wondering, is find out who was responsible and make sure it never happens again).

“Apology tour”! Drink!

IT WAS ON THE TIP OF HIS TONGUE: “because it took the president 14 days before he called the attack in Benghazi an act of terror.”

Asked about gun violence, Romney says that automatic weapons are already illegal in the US (they’re not), then blames gun violence on single-parent families. “But gosh, to tell our kids that before they have babies, they ought to think about getting married to someone...” Unless it’s someone of the same sex, obvs. “...So we can make changes in the way our culture works to help bring people away from violence and give them opportunity and bring them in the American system.” Oh, I think violence pretty much is the American system.

If I understand that correctly, Romney will hand out a free AK-47 with every marriage license.

But “the greatest failure we’ve had with regards to gun violence, in some respects, is what is known as Fast and Furious”. Unless you count the weekly massacres this summer, every one of which, I believe, was carried out with legally purchased firearms.

O: “I think Governor Romney was for an assault weapons ban before he was against it.”

R starts repeating “government does not create jobs,” which is odd because he keeps promising to create 12 million of them.

47%! Drink!

Don't see comments? Click on the post title to view or post comments.

The vice presidential debate: With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarkey

Well that was a torrent of words, wasn’t it?

The vice presidential debate took place at Centre College (Mascot: The Praying Colonel) in Danville, Kentucky (elevation 984 ft.).

Transcript.

If someone grabbed my arm like Biden & Ryan grabbed each other’s arms, it would take everything I had not to squirm and try to get away from them.

COSTCO WAS ALL OUT: Ryan: “We don’t have a status of forces agreement [in Iraq] because they failed to get one.”

Ryan came with a couple of catch-phrases he tried to insert whenever he could: “the unraveling of the Obama policy” and something about Obama saying in 2008 that if you don’t have a good record to run on, you paint your opponent as someone to run from. Or, as the American people recognize it, every election campaign ever.

YOU JUST DON’T HEAR THE WORD MALARKEY NEARLY OFTEN ENOUGH THESE DAYS: Biden on Ryan’s claims about “devastating defence cuts” as “With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarkey.”

Talking about Iran, both are referring to “the ayatollah.”

Ryan says the only reason there are sanctions on Iran is over the opposition of the Obama administration.

I’VE MADE A FORTUNE OFF HIM AT POKER: Biden: “And we’ve made it clear, big nations can’t bluff. This president doesn’t bluff.”

UM, THAT WAS GEORGE ROMNEY: Ryan: “He talks about Detroit. Mitt Romney’s a car guy.”

IF YOU COUNT TAXES AS CHARITY: Ryan on Romney: “This is a man who gave 30 percent of his income to charity.”

OR OUT OF YOUR ASS: Ryan: “And with respect to that quote [the 47%], I think the vice president very well knows that sometimes the words don’t come out of your mouth the right way.”

HAS HE EVER MET ANY DEMOCRATS? Ryan: “Let’s not forget that they came in with one-party control. When Barack Obama was elected, his party controlled everything. They had the ability to do everything of their choosing.”

Ryan accuses Biden of giving $90 billion in stimulus money for “green pork.” Do not eat the green pork.

Ryan brings up death panels. Biden says it’s Sarah Palin all over again. Ouch.

Martha Raddatz asks Ryan if he actually knows what tax loopholes he intends to close (by the way, when did health care and mortgage deductions become “loopholes”?). Ryan says “Different than this administration, we actually want to have big bipartisan agreements. ... We want to work with Congress - we want to work with the Congress on how best to achieve this.” I just realized for the first time that his plan is to try to make the Democrats propose which deductions they’d close to pay for the Republican tax cut. And knowing the Democrats, that’d probably work too.

I KNEW LLOYD BENTSEN... RYAN: Jack Kennedy lowered tax rates, increased growth. Ronald Reagan. BIDEN: Oh, now you’re Jack Kennedy?

I’m not sure “mostly without incident” is how Biden should have referred to all the incidents of Afghan soldiers killing American soldiers.

Ryan explains the concept of “the fighting season” in Afghanistan: “Spring, summer, fall. It’s warm, or it’s not. They’re still fighting us.”

On Syria, Ryan keeps saying he wouldn’t have referred to Assad as a reformer. And that he wouldn’t let the UN or Putin stop us... invading Syria, I guess.

Raddatz presses Ryan on whether he’d ever support an intervention on humanitarian grounds. Ryan runs hard from the word.

Asked about their shared Catholicism, Ryan says “I don’t see how a person can separate their public life from their private life or from their faith.” Great, go run for office in a country populated entirely by devout Catholics.

Ah, Biden makes the same point: “Life begins at conception in the church’s judgment. I accept it in my personal life. But I refuse to impose it on equally devout Christians and Muslims and Jews, and I just refuse to impose that on others, unlike my friend here.”

Ryan says he’s pro-life not just because of Jeebus and the pope, “it’s also because of reason and science.”

And he calls his daughter Bean because her fetus was bean-shaped.

He does know that Bean Ryan has to go to school tomorrow, right?

Ryan never seems slighter as a candidate than when he’s reciting the phrases he memorized like: “And then I would say, you have a president who ran for president four years ago promising hope and change, who has now turned his campaign into attack, blame and defame.”

Did you know Paul Ryan “passed two budgets”?

Now Ryan’s accusing Obama of refusing to show us his plan for deficit reduction. Maybe Obama just wants to “work with Congress.”

WOULDN’T IT BE NICE? Ryan: “At a time when we have a jobs crisis in America, wouldn’t it be nice to have a job-creator in the White House?”

Don't see comments? Click on the post title to view or post comments.

If there’s one thing we can all agree on about the debates

it’s that the next one has to be hosted by Louis C.K.

(Update: Patton Oswalt on Twitter has suggested 1) R. Lee Ermey, 2) the Dowager Countess/Maggie Smith, 3) Vic Mackey (of "The Shield"), presumably for separate debates. I imagine someone has suggested Big Bird. Consider this a Who Should Be the Next Moderator CONTEST.)

Don't see comments? Click on the post title to view or post comments.

Presidential debate: Zing, zing, zing goes my heartstrings

Mitt has a bigger flag lapel. That means he automatically wins the debate.

THE ROM-COM BEGINS: Romney says it’s very sweet of Obama to spend his anniversary with him.

First zinger™, I guess: Mittens says O. believes in “trickle-down government.”

Oh dear, Romney’s going to be smirking on the split-screen every time O. is talking.

R. says middle-class income drop is an “economy tax.” Guess he’ll just keep dropping made-up phrases on us.

R. says food prices are up. This would be a perfect moment for Jim Lehrer to ask him how much a gallon of milk costs. Waiting... waiting...

Evidently, the middle class are being “crushed.”

R: “I like coal.”

No tax cut that adds to the deficit.

Romney compares Obama to his “boys,” who are evidently incredible liars and just keep repeating their lies.

Wondering where Romney’s sons learned to lie like that?

Obama: R. would cut Donald Trump’s taxes as a small business, and Donald Trump doesn’t like thinking of himself as small anything. TrumpZing!

Donald Trump is a HUGE douche.

Mittens: I don’t want to cut jobs (he was for cutting jobs before he was against it).

R. likes Big Bird and Jim Lehrer, but he’ll sell PBS to the Chinese, who will stir-fry both of them.

So Romney will eliminate the deficit by ending Obamacare and PBS and nothing else he cares to name.

R: “I don’t want to go down the path to Spain.”

R on Solyndra: you don’t pick the winners & losers, you pick the losers. Zing!

O. talks about his grandmother who worked hard and blah blah blah, and could continue living independently because Social Security and Medicare guaranteed that there was a floor under which she could not go. Romney would totally put Obama’s grandmother under the floor.

R: “Try and get a mortgage these days.”

R: “Expensive things hurt families.”

O: “Obamacare says insurance companies can’t jerk you around.”

R. accuses O. of having continued working on Obamacare even after Scott Brown was elected, which was clearly a rebuke by the entire nation of the very idea.

O. says there isn’t a better way of dealing with pre-existing conditions than O-care. Um, I can think of a better way.

O: Is R. keeping his plans so secret because they’re too good?

I think that was a trick question.

Romney says Obamacare violates the 10th Amendment. Somewhere, Rick Perry just got an erection.

R: “I love great schools.”

R says the federal gov has no role in education. A minute later, Lehrer asks if the federal gov has a role in education; R. says yes.

O says R genuinely cares about education, but offers no proof.

R says the money O spent on green energy (which he then suggests was to reward O’s campaign contributors) could have paid for a bunch of teachers. Who R would never pay for.

Well, that was as interesting as it was informative and I need to lie down now.

Don't see comments? Click on the post title to view or post comments.

Republican Debate #20: Oh, look at him talking about these things

Transcript, part 1, 2, 3, 4.

CNN asked those of us watching at home to rise for the National Anthem. I did not, and surprisingly was not struck down by lightning bolts from Uncle Jesus and/or Uncle Sam.

BE VEWWY VEWWY QUIET: The CNN intro calls Ron Paul “the delegate hunter.”

HEH HEH, HE SAID BOTTOM: In their opening statements, Santorum says he wants to “include everybody from the bottom up,” because it’s always nice to start a debate off with a good snigger.

(Update: searching the transcript, I find that Santorum said Ron Paul is in the bottom half of Republicans by conservative voting record, he used the phrase “bottom line” 3 times, and no one else used the word bottom at all. Hmmm.)


MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN: Romney says the promise that if you worked hard, went to school and learned the values of America, you’d be rich and secure has been broken by Obama. Bad Obama, bad! Then he (mis)quotes George Costanza (when they’re applauding, stop) (I see Romney as more of an Elaine, what do you think?).

Gingrich promises $2.50 a gallon gasoline.

Ron Paul explains that the reason his commercial says that Rick Santorum is a fake is because Rick Santorum is a fake. Santorum offers to let Paul touch him.

SANTORUM: I’m real, John. I’m real.

PAUL: Congratulations.

SANTORUM: Thank you.

Paul: foreign aid goes to “all our enemies.”

For the second time, Romney says that if businesses don’t balance their budgets, they go out of business. Hey, have you noticed that that doesn’t happen with nations,* so that maybe that analogy is flawed?

*except Greece.

Santorum admits he was an “earmarker,” defends it by saying the government’s budget priorities aren’t always right and he had to redress them in Congress. And he would ban earmarks. Mittens says he didn’t follow that. Mittens admits he asked for earmarks for the Olympics, defends it by saying it’s traditional. And he would ban earmarks. Also, too, the bridge to nowhere.


Mittens keeps mentioning the Olympics, because surely Americans’ love of luge and bobsledding will propel him straight into the White House.

Gingrich’s attempts to smile avuncularly are astonishingly creepy.

Romney says Obama “gave” the auto companies to the UAW. Gingrich says the bailout was “an unprecedented violation of 200 years of bankruptcy law by Barack Obama to pay off the UAW”.

Paul: “I opt for the free market in defense of liberty. That's what we need in this country.”

GINGRICH ALWAYS WANTS TO BE CLEAR: Gingrich to moderator John King: “But I just want to point out, you did not once in the 2008 campaign, not once did anybody in the elite media ask why Barack Obama voted in favor of legalizing infanticide. OK? So let’s be clear here.”


LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM!!! Asked about his opposition to contraception, Santorum complains about children raised out of wedlock, which would obviously cease to happen if we outlawed Planned Parenthood, or something. “The left gets all upset. ‘Oh, look at him talking about these things.’”

DON’T BLAME THE PILLS. Ron Paul says it’s not the pills (i.e., The Pill) that create immorality, “I think the immorality creates the problem of wanting to use the pills. So you don’t blame the pills.” He invokes the NRA slogan “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” So I guess pills don’t fuck people, sluts do. Or something. At any right, libertarian Ron Paul is no more in favor of women having sexual autonomy than anyone else on that stage.

Romney also hates out-of-wedlock births, which are especially high “among certain ethnic groups.”

Romney denies that the Catholic Church in Massachusetts was ever forced to provide Morning After pills to rape victims, that’s just crazy talk.

THE POWER OF FORCE: Gingrich says that’s not what he heard, and this just shows the problem with government providing services: “you inevitably move towards tyranny, because the government has the power of force.” Astonishing (well, no it isn’t, not at this stage in the degeneration of our political discourse) that Gingrich could talk about the power of force in this scenario and not be referring to that used by the rapist, whose victim Gingrich is trying to force to carry his baby, because otherwise you’d have tyranny.

See in this scenario, the Republicans see the Catholic Church as the real victim, not the rape victim.

Everyone talks about how they hate Planned Parenthood. As well as planned parenthood.


WHO KNEW? This is new: Romney says we once have Obamacare because Arlen Specter voted for it, and Arlen Specter (“the pro-choice senator of Pennsylvania”) was only re-elected because Santorum supported him, so Obamacare is all Santorum’s fault. “So don’t look at me. Take a look in the mirror.”

Gingrich would move half of Homeland Security personnel to the border with Mexico.

Someone was wondering who would be the first to talk about the threat of Hezbollah in Latin America. It was Romney.

Gingrich denies that Iran is a rational actor. And that if Israel, which presumably is a rational actor, wants to bomb Iran... (I put in the ellipses because he didn’t finish the sentence).

Gingrich: “I’m inclined to believe dictators.” Well, Santorum’s inclined to believe the voices in his head, so...

VOTE FOR OBAMA AND THE WORLD BURNS: Twitt Romney says Obama shouldn’t have removed Eastern European Star Wars sites without getting Russia to support “crippling sanctions” against Iran in exchange. And Obama shouldn’t oppose Israel taking military action against Iran. And we should take military action against Iran. If Obama is elected, Iran will have nukes “and some day, nuclear weaponry will be used. If I am president, that will not happen. If we reelect Barack Obama, it will happen.”

Santorum: Syria and Iran is an axis. And Obama is “afraid to stand up to Iran.”

The first thing Gingrich would do to deal with Syria would be drilling on federal lands and offshore and eliminating the EPA.

Gingrich and Romney say we should get our good buddies in the Middle East to arm the Syrian opposition.

Gingrich: “This is an administration which, as long as you’re America’s enemy, you’re safe. You know, the only people you’ve got to worry about is if you’re an American ally.”


I’LL BET HE DID, I’LL BET HE DID: Santorum voted for No Child Left Behind in the Senate even though it was against his principles, to “take one for the team,” even though he was always picked last for the team, I mean every single time. But he made a mistake and will never support education again in any way, shape or form. Also, he’s “a home schooling father of seven,” so for god’s sake give me a job so I can get away from the little fuckers.

Romney just wants to screw the teachers’ unions.

Gingrich says teachers’ unions don’t care about the kids. And something about schools teaching self-esteem.

(Somewhere in there, but it seems to be missing from the transcript, the candidates were asked to summarize themselves in one word, Gingrich said cheerful, Romney said sneezy, Santorum said dopey, and Paul said sleepy. Actually, Romney said resolute, although if you don’t like that word he’ll come up with another one.)


What’s the biggest misconception about you?

Paul: That I’m a hobbit That I can’t win. Why there was this one poll one time in Iowa that showed that I could maybe win.

Gingrich ignored the question. Romney did the same, except King called him on it. Romney: “You know, you get to ask the questions want, I get to give the answers I want” “Fair enough,” King responds. No, not really, but those words tell you everything you need to know about cable news.

Santorum says his campaign shows he’s “someone who can do a lot with a little.” The fact that he has a lot of children also shows that.

He has a tiny penis, is what I’m saying.

Actually, he is a tiny penis, is what I’m saying.

What’s your one-word summary?

Republican Debate: You have to be realistic in your indignation / Trapped in a linguistics situation

Yeah, yeah, I’m late. And I couldn’t decide which quote to use in the post title.

Transcript.

PEOPLE COME TO THIS COUNTRY. First up: immigration! Santorum: “We are a country of laws. People come to this country. My grandfather came to this country because he wanted to come to a country that respected him.” Although it was his grandson who really made a name for himself.

He continues, “I’m someone who believes that - that we need immigration. We are not replacing ourselves.” More frothy mixture!

Gingrich: “I don’t think grandmothers and grandfathers will self-deport.”

Romney explains the self-deportation thing. People wouldn’t be able to find work (unless they worked off the books, exposing them to even more exploitation and abuse)(or were forced to turn to crime)(but those things would never happen, so, finding themselves completely broke, they’d catch a plane, one of those free ones, back to their country of origin).


Gingrich: “grandmothers and grandfathers aren’t going to be successfully deported. We’re not - we as a nation are not going to walk into some family - and by the way, they’re going to end up in a church, which will declare them a sanctuary.”



I PREFER TO BE INDIGNANT IN MY REALISM: Gingrich: “We’re not going - and I think you have to be realistic in your indignation. I want to control the border. I want English to be the official language of government. I want us to have a lot of changes.”

SKILL AND VITALITY AND VIBRANCE: Mittens says Gingrich calling him the most anti-immigrant candidate (in an ad) is “simply inexcusable.” After all, his father was born in Mexico (and never learned a word of Spanish, like everyone in the Mormon colony)(which is like a Moon colony, but blander)(and the cheese is Velveeta instead of green cheese). He says “I want people to come to America with skill and vitality and vibrance.” I don’t know what there is about the Republican nomination process that would make him think America needs to import skill and vitality and vibrance.

TRAPPED IN A LINGUISTICS SITUATION (WORST LIFETIME MOVIE EVER): Romney says he never saw his own ad and doubts it’s his ad, saying that Gingrich called Spanish the language of the ghetto, which Gingrich says he didn’t say (he did) but “my point was, no one should be trapped in a linguistics situation where they can’t go out and get a job and they can’t go out and work.”

Ron Paul calls for trade with Cuba.

NO MEANS NO: Paul: “Unfortunately, sometimes we slip up on our standards and we go around the world and we try to force ourselves on others.”


“NECESSARILY”? Paul: “I don’t think the nations in South America and Central America necessarily want us to come down there and dictate which government they should have.”

Santorum says Obama sided with Castro and Chavez in supporting President Zelaya of Honduras during the completely justified 2009 coup. (If you need a reminder, read my posts about the coup. Obama gave the mildest of tut tuts, never said that Zelaya should be allowed to return.)

Wolf seems to have done some googling during the commercial break and says that “language of the ghetto ad” was indeed one of Romney’s and he even did the “and I approved this ad” thing and everything.

IS THAT HOW MORMONS SAY SOMEONE FARTS A LOT? Romney on Gingrich working for Freddie Mac: “we should have had a whistle-blower and not horn-tooter.”


Then there’s the rich-guys-comparing-their-portfolios section of the debate. Gingrich reveals that Romney (gasp, horror) used to own shares in Fannie & Freddie (that always sounds like characters in a Jeeves & Wooster story to me) and Goldman Sachs. Romney says his trustee bought those and they were mutual funds and bonds, not stocks, which is really just like a US savings bond, and that Gingrich (gasp, horror) also has investments in Fannie & Freddie.

IN THIS SCENARIO, NOTE THAT GINGRICH IS NOT THE GIANT ELEPHANT: Gingrich: “compare my investments with his is like comparing a tiny mouse with a giant elephant.”

What do you think of this, Ron Paul? “That - that subject really doesn’t interest me a whole lot.”

But Paul says Fannie & Freddie “should have been auctioned off right after the crash came.” Yes, sell off government assets at their lowest possible valuation.


Gingrich says Blitzer asking him whether he’s satisfied with Romney’s disclosure of last year’s tax returns is “a nonsense question.” Dude, you’re the one who kept bringing it up the last couple of debates. He continues, “Look, how about if the four of us agree for the rest of the evening, we’ll actually talk about issues that relate to governing America?” There are few sights in American politics as absurd as that of Newton Gingrich pretending to seize the high moral ground.


THERE’S A TIME AND A PLACE: Blitzer quotes Gingrich’s own words on Romney’s tax returns back to him. Gingrich: “I did. And I’m perfectly happy to say that on an interview on some TV show. But this is a national debate”. Romney: “Wouldn’t it be nice if people didn’t make accusations somewhere else that they weren’t willing to defend here?” There are few sights in American politics as absurd as that of Twitt Romney pretending to seize the high moral ground.

Romney says his having had a Swiss bank account is not at all suspicious, his trustee was just diversifying his investments. And “Speaker, you’ve indicated that somehow I don’t earn that money. I have earned the money that I have. I didn’t inherit it. ... I’m proud of being successful.”

Santorum says we shouldn’t tax the rich because trickle down blah blah blah.

MAYBE IT’S NOT A SOLUTION, BUT IT WOULD BE FUN TO HEAR THEM SQUEAL: Ron Paul wants to get rid of the 16th Amendment, because if you have income taxes you can afford a welfare state (“and if you have a welfare state, no matter whether the welfare state is designed to help the poor, you know, the welfare system helps the wealthy”) and policing the world. Says Reagan taxed too much, the fucking liberal. Taxing the rich “is not a solution.”

Blitzer: Ron Paul, you’re really old; are you going to die soon? Paul: “I’m willing to challenge any of these gentlemen up here to a 25-mile bike ride any time of the day in the heat of Texas.” Noon, Gingrich, bike shorts, slightly too-small bicycle. MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

Then Paul warns Blitzer that “there are laws against age discrimination, so if you push this too much, you better be careful.” See, there is a type of discrimination he’s in favor of the state trying to prevent. Who knew?


MOST PHALLIC ROCKET? Romney would not build a moon colony because it would be too expensive. Gingrich says we could do it by offering prizes.

He wants an American on the moon “before the Chinese get there,” adding, “I mean, have you seen how tacky most Chinese restaurants are?” But his program “would probably end up being 90 percent private sector,” so it would all be done by Chinese child labor anyway.

HE LIKES FIRING PEOPLE: Romney: “If I had a business executive come to me and say they wanted to spend a few hundred billion dollars to put a colony on the moon, I’d say, ‘You’re fired.’” And, by implication, Romney just fired Gingrich.

Ron Paul would send some politicians to the moon, ha ha. Possibly on a bike.

A woman says she’s unemployed and can’t afford insurance. Ron Paul this is the fault of Medicare. Because it raises the cost of health care by making it possible for more people to actually get it. Demand and supply, you know. Moron.

AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP: Gingrich wrote a book which “calls for you and your doctor and your pharmacist and your hospital have a relationship.”

JUST LIKE BARACK OBAMA: Then follows the 53rd iteration of Romney being forced to explain Romneycare while Santorum snipes at him – “And you have a pre-existing condition clause in yours, just like Barack Obama.” Romney denies that Romneycare is a government-run plan, then accuses Obamacare of being a government-run plan. Paul repeats that back in the good old days there was no Medicare or Medicaid, and everybody lived forever and rode bikes in the heat of Texas all day and night.


Which Hispanic would you put in your cabinet? Santorum sucks up to Marco Rubio. Gingrich more or less says that Rubio would be his running mate. He & Romney are able to name several Hispanics they like, Paul is not (I guess they don’t have any in Texas).

Why would your wife be the bestest First Lady ever? Ron Paul: she wrote a cookbook. Romney says his wife battled breast cancer and MS, a degenerative disease, “successfully.” Gingrich says all 3 of the candidates’ wives who are present today would be terrific first ladies, and I can’t think of a single joke to make about that. He says that Callista plays the French horn (I’ll bet she does, I’ll bet she does). Santorum says that his wife was a neo-natal intensive care nurse and then a lawyer and then married him and “gave that up” to have lots and lots of babies, like Jesus intended. And she wrote a book on manners.

THE ROMNEYBOT ATTACK MACHINE 3000: Gingrich: “Well, it’s increasingly interesting to watch the Romney attack machine coordinate things.”

OF COURSE NOT; THEY’RE IN THE CLOSET: Paul: “And people - I don’t think they see a Jihadist under the bed every night.”

Cuba. Oh, I think you can pretty much guess what they all said.

Middle East. Romney: “the Israelis would be happy to have a two-state solution. It’s the Palestinians who don’t want a two-state solution. They want to eliminate the state of Israel.” Obama saying that the 1967 borders are the starting point of negotiations is “throw[ing] Israel under the bus”. Gingrich repeats that Palestinians were “invented” in the late 1970s (he’s a historian, you know), possibly cloned from sweat taken from Arafat’s keffiyeh, and that peace negotiations are “war by another form” and he’d move the US embassy to Jerusalem.


What, Santorum isn’t going to be asked about the Middle East? I’ll bet he’d be hilarious.

Santorum won’t take a position on Puerto Rico statehood.

How would your religious beliefs affect your actions? Ron Paul. They wouldn’t. Romney would seek the guidance of Providence, Rhode Island, for some reason. Gingrich says he’s running to oppose the war against religion by the secular elite. Both Romney & Santorum bring up the Declaration of Independence, which evidently “described the relationship between God and man” (Romney).


UM, YEAH. Romney: “This is not just an average election.”

Gingrich’s campaign iS for “every American... who prefers the Declaration of Independence to Saul Alinsky”.

Santorum says Gingrich & Mittens both “bought into the global warming hoax”.

Republican Debate: Unnecessarily personal and nasty

Shorter Republican debate, as aptly summarized by Newt Gingrich: “You know, there is a point in the process where it gets unnecessarily personal and nasty, and that’s sad.”

Republican Debate: I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that

Did you see that clip where Romney shouted at a protester who asked what someone in the 1% would do for the 99% that he was being divisive and should just go to North Korea and “America is right and you’re wrong” (he was against being divisive before he was for it)? Well, you may be thinking of that as an embarrassing example of a politician losing his shit and wondering if Romney’s temper and snippiness might make him even more unlikeable than he already is, but the Romney campaign wants people to see that clip and sent it out in an email, asking everyone to tweet & facebook it.

On to the debate. In Charleston. But no one did the charleston. Or ate a Charleston chew. Transcript.

DECENT PEOPLE? HOW IS THAT RELEVANT TO THIS SITUATION? The first question is to Gingrich about the “open marriage” thing. He blames the “destructive, vicious, negative nature of much of the news media,” which “makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent people to run for public office. And I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that.” Appalled as he was, he went on: “Every person in here knows personal pain. Every person in here has had someone close to them go through painful things.” And every one of your ex-wives.

TO TAKE AN EX-WIFE: “To take an ex-wife and make it two days before the primary a significant question for a presidential campaign is as close to despicable as anything I can imagine.” Your ex-wives can probably imagine something closer to despicable, and by imagine I mean remember.

WHAT HE’S TIRED OF: “I am tired of the elite media protecting Barack Obama by attacking Republicans.”


AND BY FALLEN, I MEAN NEWT TRIPPED OVER HIS OWN DICK: Santorum says “this country is a very forgiving country. This country understands that we are all fallen”.

What federal programs would put the American people back to work? Ron Paul says the federal government should “get out of the way” and do nothing, and no one is more qualified to do nothing than Ron Paul.

Gingrich would repeal what I’ve just noticed he called the Dodd-Frank “bill.” You would think the former speaker of the House would know that when it’s passed, a bill is called a law.

Romney says just getting rid of Obama will eliminate unemployment.

For the first time Mittens gives a number for jobs destroyed by Bain Capital. 10,000 “that have been documented.” I sense a major asterisk.


WHAT HE’S GOING TO STUFF DOWN OBAMA’S THROAT: Twitt Romney: “I’m someone who believes in free enterprise. I think Adam Smith was right. And I’m going to stand and defend capitalism across this country, throughout this campaign. I know we’re going to get hit hard from President Obama, but we’re going to stuff it down his throat and point out it is capitalism and freedom that makes America strong.” Stuffing and pointing.

MORE FOOD AND HEALTH CARE? THE BASTARD! Santorum says all Obama wants to do for the poor is “make them more dependent, give them more food stamps, give them more Medicaid.”

THEY HAVE THE BEST METH LABS IN THE WORLD: Santorum: “South Carolina can compete with anybody in this world in manufacturing.”

Santorum seems to say (there’s slippage between talking about Vietnam and talking about the present)(maybe I shouldn’t use the word slippage when talking about santorum) that veterans coming back from the war “very damaged” is “a very big part of the high unemployment rate that we’re dealing with” and claims that Obama “said he is going to cut veterans benefits”. Romney wants the states to get block grants to deal with veterans.

Gingrich says that we don’t actually need the provision for people up to 26 staying on their parents’ insurance, which Obama only wanted because “he can’t get any jobs for them to go out and buy their own insurance.” Under a President Gingrich, everyone will have jobs at 18 and all the colleges will be closed.


AND DINOSAURS ROAMED THE EARTH: Ron Paul claims that when he was practicing medicine in the early 1960s “before we had any government,” “there was nobody out in the street suffering with no medical care.” Um, right.

Santorum: “Grandiosity has never been a problem with Newt Gingrich.” Gingrich says it’s a grandiose country.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID: Santorum: “I mean, Newt’s -- Newt’s a friend. I love him. But at times, you’ve just got, you know, sort of that, you know, worrisome moment that something’s going to pop.” Santorum shouldn’t be talking about “something’s going to pop.”

Romney: “We need to have someone outside Washington go to Washington.”

Romney deflates Gingrich’s pretense that he and Ronald Reagan were Batman and Robin only, you know, gayer, by noting that Gingrich is mentioned only once in Reagan’s diary, and not favorably.

Newt Gingrich released his returns online at around the time the debate started. Ron Paul says he won’t release his tax returns because “I don’t want to be embarrassed because I don’t have a greater income.” Romney says he won’t release his before he secures the nomination “Because I want to make sure that I beat President Obama. And every time we release things drip by drip, the Democrats go out with another array of attacks.” So he won’t release them because there’s stuff in there that can be used to attack him. But, he says, “I pay a lot of taxes.”


Everyone is against SOPA. Although Santorum says, “The Internet is not a free zone where anybody can do anything they want to do and trample the rights of other people”. I wonder what he could be thinking of.

Gingrich wants a guest worker program run by American Express, Visa or MasterCard, “because they can run it without fraud and the federal government’s hopeless.” And he elaborates on his idea of residency for illegal immigrants who have been here 25 years. The local draft board type thing could only give them residency; to get citizenship they’d actually have to go back to their country of origin and wait behind everybody else for a few years.

Santorum says he’s the grandson of an immigrant, so he’d be tougher on immigrants than the other candidates. In the transcript, the second word in the following quote is “agree” but I think he actually said grieve: “I agree/grieve for people who have been here 25 years and maybe have to be separated from their family if they were picked up and deported, but my father grieved for his father when he came to this country and lived here five years.” And if it’s good enough for his grandfather...

Ron Paul says we have illegal immigrants because Americans aren’t forced to take crap jobs for no money: “There’s an economic incentive for them to come, for immigrants to come. But there’s also an incentive for some of our people in this country not to take a job that’s a low-paying job. You’re not supposed to say that, but that is true.”


A EXPERIENCE IN A LAB: Gingrich: “Governor Romney has said that he had a experience in a lab and became pro-life, and I accept that.”

YOU’LL TELL US WHEN IT IS THE TIME TO BE DOUBTING PEOPLE’S WORDS OR QUESTIONING THEIR INTEGRITY, RIGHT? Romney: “It is -- this is not the time to be doubting people’s words or questioning their integrity. I’m pro-life.”

Paul says if government spends any money on medicine it will wind up funding abortion because “all funds are fungible.” He adds, “I see abortion as a violent act. All other violence is handled by the states -- murder, burglary, violence. That’s a state issue.” And he wants Congress to vote to remove abortion from the jurisdiction of the Supreme Court.

THE RIGHT OF OUR CREATOR TO LIFE: Santorum attacks Paul for saying abortion is a state issue: “you should have the willingness to stand up on a federal law and every level of government and protect what our Declaration protects, which is the right of our creator to life, and that is a federal issue, not a state issue.” Ron Paul wants to kill God, is what Santorum is saying.