The vice presidential debate: With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarkey

Well that was a torrent of words, wasn’t it?

The vice presidential debate took place at Centre College (Mascot: The Praying Colonel) in Danville, Kentucky (elevation 984 ft.).

Transcript.

If someone grabbed my arm like Biden & Ryan grabbed each other’s arms, it would take everything I had not to squirm and try to get away from them.

COSTCO WAS ALL OUT: Ryan: “We don’t have a status of forces agreement [in Iraq] because they failed to get one.”

Ryan came with a couple of catch-phrases he tried to insert whenever he could: “the unraveling of the Obama policy” and something about Obama saying in 2008 that if you don’t have a good record to run on, you paint your opponent as someone to run from. Or, as the American people recognize it, every election campaign ever.

YOU JUST DON’T HEAR THE WORD MALARKEY NEARLY OFTEN ENOUGH THESE DAYS: Biden on Ryan’s claims about “devastating defence cuts” as “With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarkey.”

Talking about Iran, both are referring to “the ayatollah.”

Ryan says the only reason there are sanctions on Iran is over the opposition of the Obama administration.

I’VE MADE A FORTUNE OFF HIM AT POKER: Biden: “And we’ve made it clear, big nations can’t bluff. This president doesn’t bluff.”

UM, THAT WAS GEORGE ROMNEY: Ryan: “He talks about Detroit. Mitt Romney’s a car guy.”

IF YOU COUNT TAXES AS CHARITY: Ryan on Romney: “This is a man who gave 30 percent of his income to charity.”

OR OUT OF YOUR ASS: Ryan: “And with respect to that quote [the 47%], I think the vice president very well knows that sometimes the words don’t come out of your mouth the right way.”

HAS HE EVER MET ANY DEMOCRATS? Ryan: “Let’s not forget that they came in with one-party control. When Barack Obama was elected, his party controlled everything. They had the ability to do everything of their choosing.”

Ryan accuses Biden of giving $90 billion in stimulus money for “green pork.” Do not eat the green pork.

Ryan brings up death panels. Biden says it’s Sarah Palin all over again. Ouch.

Martha Raddatz asks Ryan if he actually knows what tax loopholes he intends to close (by the way, when did health care and mortgage deductions become “loopholes”?). Ryan says “Different than this administration, we actually want to have big bipartisan agreements. ... We want to work with Congress - we want to work with the Congress on how best to achieve this.” I just realized for the first time that his plan is to try to make the Democrats propose which deductions they’d close to pay for the Republican tax cut. And knowing the Democrats, that’d probably work too.

I KNEW LLOYD BENTSEN... RYAN: Jack Kennedy lowered tax rates, increased growth. Ronald Reagan. BIDEN: Oh, now you’re Jack Kennedy?

I’m not sure “mostly without incident” is how Biden should have referred to all the incidents of Afghan soldiers killing American soldiers.

Ryan explains the concept of “the fighting season” in Afghanistan: “Spring, summer, fall. It’s warm, or it’s not. They’re still fighting us.”

On Syria, Ryan keeps saying he wouldn’t have referred to Assad as a reformer. And that he wouldn’t let the UN or Putin stop us... invading Syria, I guess.

Raddatz presses Ryan on whether he’d ever support an intervention on humanitarian grounds. Ryan runs hard from the word.

Asked about their shared Catholicism, Ryan says “I don’t see how a person can separate their public life from their private life or from their faith.” Great, go run for office in a country populated entirely by devout Catholics.

Ah, Biden makes the same point: “Life begins at conception in the church’s judgment. I accept it in my personal life. But I refuse to impose it on equally devout Christians and Muslims and Jews, and I just refuse to impose that on others, unlike my friend here.”

Ryan says he’s pro-life not just because of Jeebus and the pope, “it’s also because of reason and science.”

And he calls his daughter Bean because her fetus was bean-shaped.

He does know that Bean Ryan has to go to school tomorrow, right?

Ryan never seems slighter as a candidate than when he’s reciting the phrases he memorized like: “And then I would say, you have a president who ran for president four years ago promising hope and change, who has now turned his campaign into attack, blame and defame.”

Did you know Paul Ryan “passed two budgets”?

Now Ryan’s accusing Obama of refusing to show us his plan for deficit reduction. Maybe Obama just wants to “work with Congress.”

WOULDN’T IT BE NICE? Ryan: “At a time when we have a jobs crisis in America, wouldn’t it be nice to have a job-creator in the White House?”

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Biden’s convention speech, literally

Biden begins by complaining that Jill didn’t accept his marriage proposal until the fifth time.

FOR EXAMPLE, OBAMA NOW KNOWS THAT MY FIRST NAME IS JOE. “We’ve learned a lot about one another.”

THAT WORD, IT DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS: “the enormity of his heart”

Biden keeps saying “Barack” because he’s totally on first-name terms with him.


UNLESS YOU’RE VICE PRESIDENT, OBVIOUSLY. A job is about much more than a paycheck.

WHO LET BIDEN IN HERE? At every critical meeting, Barack asks the one fundamental question.

LIKE A TRANSFORMER? “My dad was an automobile man.”

Fine, he doesn’t know what literally means either.

Romney looked at the auto bailout “the Bain Way.” Good one.

Oh, it took this long to get to the dancing-on-bin-Laden’s-watery-grave portion of the speech.

Killing bin Laden was about “healing an almost unbearable wound in America’s heart.” Sigh.

Oh fer fuck’s sake, he gets the crowd to chant “Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.”


He keeps saying literally, wrongly.

It literally amazes him.

“We have no intention of downsizing the American dream.” Or the big gulp. Lookin’ at you, Bloomberg.

Fallen angels, is that what we’re calling dead soldiers now?

NOT FIGURATIVELY: “The direction we turn is not figuratively, it’s literally in your hands.”

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I see all these attacks on Governor Palin. I don’t live in a bubble.

Last night NBC aired part I of an interview with McCain and Palin.

Asked whether she’d release her medical records, Palin said people, who she called “curiosity seekers,” would be reassured “if” she released them.

They’re trying to make hay over Joe the Biden’s stupid comment about foreign countries creating a crisis to test Obama, although McCain was remarkably unprepared to respond to being confronted with Joe the Lieberman’s similar remark that “Our enemies will test the new president early.” McCain: “I -- look, I don’t know when Joe Lieberman said that. [WIIIAI: June] Joe Lieberman is supporting me.”

McCain did make a guarantee of his own: “And when I’m president, there’s not going to be an international crisis that he can -- that Senator Biden can guarantee.” Elect John McCain, nothing can go wrong can go wrong can go wrong.

Palin added that Biden’s was “the most telling comment that has been made yet on this campaign trail in all of these months.” She didn’t say what it told.

Addressing Colin Powell’s remarks about Palin being totally unqualified, McCain testily dismissed them as ill-informed, saying that Powell hadn’t even bothered to meet Palin and “obviously... does not know Gov. Palin’s record.” In fact, everyone who criticizes her “obviously are either not paying attention to, or don’t care about, the record of the most popular governor in the United States of America.”

McCain and Palin are showing increasing exasperation with anyone who dares to question them or otherwise show less than the deference they feel due them. People who want medical records are “curiosity-seekers,” people who think Palin unqualified are “obviously” ignorant. The Chimperial Presidency lives.

Tom Toles:

Vice Presidential debate: How are we going to get there to positively affect the impacts?

Transcript.

Yes, Palin performed better than in the more open-ended interviews. The format and the lack of follow-up helped her to partially mask her ignorance, and she was allowed on multiple occasions to simply ignore the question and talk about something else. Gwen Ifill actually made me wish Katie Couric had gotten the job. Yikes. In response to Biden pointing out her failure to answer one question, she snapped “I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I’m going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also.” (And her Trig record, and...) So she’ll “talk straight,” but only about the things she wants to talk about.

The “maverick” count: Palin used “team of mavericks,” “the maverick from the Senate,” “the consummate maverick”... actually only 6 times. Seemed like more. Biden came prepared with a long “he has not been a maverick on health care, he has not been a maverick on the war” thing which Obama should have started saying a long time ago.

Biden: “We’re going to focus on the middle class, because it’s -- when the middle class is growing, the economy grows and everybody does well.” Ah, the Democratic version of trickle down.


Palin: “You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America’s economy, is go to a kid’s soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, ‘How are you feeling about the economy?’ And I’ll betcha, you’re going to hear some fear in that parent’s voice.” They probably think you’re threatening to blow up their house unless their kid throws the game. Another way to figure out if this has been a good time or a bad time in the economy, Sarah: look at one of those many newspapers. Or talk to a, whaddayacallem? economist.

Oh, and that was the first betcha at 6:05. And the first maverick, in “team of mavericks,” at 6:08. First darn at 6:09.


6:10 “hockey moms,” in this rousing cry: “One thing that Americans do at this time, also, though, is let’s commit ourselves just every day American people, Joe Six Pack, hockey moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say never again, never will we be exploited and taken advantage of again by those who are managing our money and loaning us these dollars.” You heard her, Joe Six Pack and hockey moms: band together and burn down your local bank.

6:11 first heck: “It’s not the American peoples fault that the economy is hurtin’ like it is, but we have an opportunity to learn a heck of a lot of good lessons through this and say never again will we be taken advantage of.”

Palin accuses Obama of voting 94 times to raise or not to lower taxes. Biden points out that by the “bogus standard” she’s using, McCain voted to raise taxes 477 times.

Palin disagrees that it’s patriotic for the rich to pay higher taxes.

Biden says McCain’s plan to tax health insurance benefits is the ultimate bridge to nowhere.

Palin calls herself a “Mainstreeter.”

She is dropping g’s all over the place and doing the folksy thing so heavily that she may well be doing an imitation of Tina Fey doing an imitation of Sarah Palin.


Palin: “I’m not one to attribute every man -- activity of man to the changes in the climate.”

Palin: “And I don’t want to argue about the causes [of climate change]. What I want to argue about is, how are we going to get there to positively affect the impacts?”

Biden: “Look, in an Obama-Biden administration, there will be absolutely no distinction from a constitutional standpoint or a legal standpoint between a same-sex and a heterosexual couple.” Oh, but he’s against gay marriage.


Palin: “But I also want to clarify, if there’s any kind of suggestion at all from my answer that I would be anything but tolerant of adults in America choosing their partners, choosing relationships that they deem best for themselves, you know, I am tolerant... But I’m being as straight up with Americans as I can in my non- support for anything but a traditional definition of marriage.” She said “straight up” twice in that paragraph.

WHAT OUR TROOPS DON’T NEED TO HEAR TODAY, THAT’S FOR SURE: Palin: “Your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq and that is not what our troops need to hear today, that’s for sure.”

She can pronounce “Ahmadinejad” (who she says isn’t sane or stable) but not “nuclear.”


Palin, in the middle of an Israel pander-off: “But I’m so encouraged to know that we both love Israel, and I think that is a good thing to get to agree on”.

Palin accuses Obama & Biden of “constantly looking backwards” and “doing the blame game.” Evidently, because Obama talks about change a lot, it’s impermissible to point out the mistakes of the Bush administration, you know, the things he wants to change from.

Biden responds: “Past is prologue.” I appreciate that he readily had Shakespeare in his intellectual arsenal, even if he just convinced half the American people that’s he a know-it-all smarty pants.


What should be the trigger for the use of nukes? Palin: “Nuclear weaponry, of course, would be the be all, end all of just too many people in too many parts of our planet, so those dangerous regimes, again, cannot be allowed to acquire nuclear weapons, period.” She says the safe, stable way to use nukes is as a deterrent. I wonder if she thinks she answered the question?

She seems to think NATO allies are involved in Afghanistan but not in Iraq.


WHAT JOHN MCCAIN KNOWS: Palin: “John McCain who knows how to win a war. Who’s been there and he’s faced challenges and he knows what evil is and he knows what it takes to overcome the challenges here with our military.”

Joe spends a lot of time in Home Depot.


Turn the hokey setting on your tv way down for this one: “Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You prefaced your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let’s look ahead and blah blah blah”.

I have to say that even with all the hecks and betchas she’d previously deployed, I just wasn’t expecting a doggone it.

WHAT SARAH KNOWS: “Of course we know what a vice president does.”

For example: “I’m thankful the Constitution would allow a bit more authority given to the vice president if that vice president so chose to exert it in working with the Senate and making sure that we are supportive of the president’s policies and making sure too that our president understands what our strengths are.” See, and you thought she didn’t know what a vice president does.

WHERE MCCAIN HAS ALREADY TAPPED HER: Palin: “John McCain and I have had good conversations about where I would lead with his agenda. That is energy independence in America and reform of government over all, and then working with families of children with special needs. That’s near and dear to my heart also. In those arenas, John McCain has already tapped me and said, that’s where I want you, I want you to lead. I said, I can’t wait to get and there go to work with you.”

The eight most dreaded words in the English language

They keep telling us that Joe Biden used to stutter. He’s supposed to have overcome it when he was a kid, but you have to wonder if he really intended to name his son Beau Biden. Just saying.

Seriously, though, am I not right that a former stutterer naming his kid something that sounds like a stutter is just a little odd?

So Joe says that when he was a kid, bigger kids used to beat him up, so his mother told him, “bloody their noses so you can walk down the street the next day.” Then she cackled maniacally.


When he’s veep, “no longer will you hear the eight most dreaded words in the English language: The Vice President’s Office is on the phone.” Actually, more dreaded still are the next eight words: “And he’s inviting you on a hunting trip.”

Under Vice President Biden, those dreaded eight words would be: “And he’d like to chat a little while.”

Speaking of road kill sex...

As it happened, when I turned on my computer this morning, before checking any news sites, I looked at this blog’s visitor, and that’s where I intuited the Biden pick, because people have been coming to old posts via Google searches for: “joe biden draft dodger” (two of those), “joe biden suicide attempt,” “joe biden animal rights,” and “joe biden circumcised.” Also, “road kill sex.”

Just so I don’t set off a scramble for “joe biden circumcised”: I do not in fact have posts on any of those subjects.

The other white meat

The Biden campaign is sending me fundraising emails more often than any other three campaigns combined. Anyway, today’s has this subject line: “I will eat Rudy Giuliani alive at a debate.” It’s not every candidate who boldly appeals to the cannibal vote in this way. Which leads me to my most ill-advised, tasteless and repulsive CONTEST ever: Tastes like chicken? I don’t think so. So what would Giuliani meat taste like? If you prefer, you may submit recipes (cook at 911° for 30 minutes and then... it’s Giuliani time!)

A robust culture of reporting things

Of all the subject lines in emails I’ve received from presidential campaigns, this has to be the most pathetic: “Biden surges past Richardson in Iowa.” He has 8% to Richardson’s 4% in a poll of likely caucus-goers. The email adds that he is “closing in on the front-runners” (Edwards, Clinton & Obama range from 23 to 27%).

Speaking of fuzzy math, the LAT notes that the US military is relying on Iraqi numbers about things like civilian deaths, enemy attacks, etc, and that those numbers... wait for it... may not be altogether accurate. Says a colonel on Petraeus’s planning staff, “The Iraqis don’t have a robust culture of reporting things.”

Late in the article there’s a mention of something I hadn’t heard before: “In October, for example, the entire command and control system used by Iraqi security forces to communicate with headquarters was shut down for two weeks when the government failed to pay the U.S. contractor that provides the satellite communications. For those two weeks, U.S. commanders and the Iraqi government received no reports from Iraqi forces in the field.”

In honor of World AIDS day (tomorrow), Bush gave yet another speech on the subject (at a Methodist church, naturally) which failed to mention gay people. Indeed, he mentioned the people who actually have HIV/AIDS only in passing, and none by name. Instead, he focused on “people who have dedicated their lives to save lives.” Especially if those people are motivated by religion, by the “universal call to love a neighbor”, the “timeless calling to heal the sick [he may have forgotten that AIDS can’t actually be healed] and comfort the lonely.” Generosity is a favorite word of Bush’s, especially when talking about American assistance to Africa, although I’m not sure such fulsome praise of one’s own “generosity” is really consistent with a generosity of spirit. People with the disease appeared in the speech only as the passive objects of that generosity. Or worse, since he implies that they got it because of their lack of proper Christian morals: “Faith-based groups... are changing behavior by changing hearts -- and they are helping to defeat this epidemic one soul at a time.” World AIDS Day, he said, is “a day we resolve to continue this work of healing and redemption.” Who is it he thinks requires redemption?

We didn’t necessarily agree with his decision

Hillary’s new ad says the Republicans are attacking her “because they know that there’s one candidate with the strength and experience to get us out of Iraq.” Er, exactly what experience does she have that would get us out of Iraq?

Speaking of experience, former sweaty White House press secretary Scott McClellan has a memoir coming out next year called “What Happened.” Which is odd, since there was never a day as press sec that he looked like he had any idea what was happening. Maybe his publisher decided to leave off the question mark.

Bush was gently interviewed by Charles Gibson of ABC. Bush talked about General Musharraf, and how wonderful and democratic and honest and just plain dreamy he is: “he’s been a loyal ally in fighting terrorists. ... so far I’ve found him to be a man of his word.”

Asked if there is a line Mush could cross that would lose him this fulsome support, Bush said, “Well, he hasn’t crossed the line. As a matter of fact, I don’t think that, uh, he will cross any lines.” You’ll notice he didn’t say where the line(s) are. Bush went on, “And he made a decision, we didn’t necessarily agree with his decision, to impose emergency rule, and I, my, hopefully he’ll get, get rid of the rule.” He’s backing away even from his weak protests of last week. He’s not demanding Musharraf lift military rule, but expresses hope that he might. Indeed, Bush doesn’t disagree with, much less denounce, the imposition of martial law, he just “didn’t necessarily agree” with it.

And he just can’t stop praising the military ruler as a Jeffersonian democrat: “I think he truly is somebody who believes in democracy.” In the way Buffy the Vampire Slayer believes in vampires. Great democrat, or the greatest democrat?: “he has done more for democracy in Pakistan than, than any modern leader has, and one of the reasons you’re seeing the blowback that you’re getting in Pakistan is because of the reforms that, that President Musharraf has put in place.” See, the massive unpopularity of and opposition to his rule is actually a sign of what a great democrat he is.

“Today I thought was a pretty good signal that he released thousands of people from jail.” You know what would have been a better signal? Not putting thousands of people in jail in the first place.

(Biden responded to the interview, “If the president sees Musharraf as a democrat, he must be wearing the same glasses he had on when he looked in Vladimir Putin’s soul.” I wonder if optometrists have an eye chart for soul-reading? “Just read the highest line you can.” “Uh, good soul, good soul, Islamofascist, good soul, that one is just black so it must be Cheney, good soul...”)

Gibson asked Bush whether presidential politics is now preventing him accomplishing anything for the remainder of his term. Bush thought “we may get some health-care reform done. But you’re right, it’s, uh, you know, and we’re not gonna raise taxes.”

Speaking of things Bush might accomplish with the remainder of his term, he claims he didn’t actually threaten to start World War III if Iran develops nuclear weapons: “I said, if you want to avoid World War III. And the reason I said that is because I take the words of their leader very seriously when, for example, he says he wants to destroy Israel. And you know, an attack on Israel, as far as I’m concerned, would draw the United States into a very serious conflagration in the Middle East. At least it would under my presidency.”

Democratic Debate: Asbestos Pantsuits for everyone!

A debate in Las Vegas (transcript). Sadly, Wolf Blitzer did not come dressed as Elvis.

Hillary: “this pantsuit is asbestos tonight.” I just had an extremely disturbing mental flash explaining why she would need an asbestos pantsuit.

Extremely disturbing.


Hillary: “the Republicans are not going to vacate the White House voluntarily.” Cool, I recommend nerve gas. Although it may not work on Cheney.

Biden: this is not about experience, it’s not about change, it’s about action! Although he does have 35 years of experience (which is exactly the same figure Hillary throws around).

Oddly enough, Chris Dodd is also wearing an asbestos pantsuit.



Another question on which no voter will make their decision: will you support the Democratic candidate, no matter who they are? Kucinich says it depends on their war position, everyone else says yes, silently mouthing, “Unless it’s Kucinich.”

I can’t believe the big issue of the 2008 election is going to be driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. Obama says illegal immigrants aren’t coming here to drive or go to the In-N-Out Burger. Suddenly I want a chocolate milk shake. Kucinich insists on the word undocumented instead of illegal, and tries to talk about creating a path to legalization, but Wolf refuses to let him (or anyone else) avoid the real issue, which is, of course, should they be allowed driver’s licenses, yes or no, yes or no dammit. And if so, should they be required to be organ donors? Okay, he didn’t ask that, but none of the candidates supported driver’s licenses – wait, I think Richardson did, but I don’t really feel obligated to listen when Richardson is talking, I just go to my happy place.


5:33 I just noticed Gravel isn’t here.

Starting with Pakistan, Wolf again interrupts whenever anyone tries to give a more nuanced answer, insisting they respond to his simplistic, dualistic framing of the question: which is more important, human rights or national security? Dodd, by the way, disappointed me by opting firmly for the latter. As did Clinton, but you expect it from her. Biden makes much of the fact that he spoke with both Musharraf and Bhutto, and did so before Bush. Biden’s new motto: “Vote for me, I have a telephone – with speed dial!”

I keep hearing about Biden calling Musharraf, but somehow never hear what Musharraf said to him, although I’m guessing, “Joe Who?”


Free trade agreements, and here comes Wolf with another either/or: NAFTA, good or bad? Hillary wants a “time out” on trade treaties, while they think about what they did. Obama is okay with a free trade deal with Peru because it’s a small country, but not South Korea.

Hillary is happy to be attacked by the other candidates, which she says isn’t because she is a woman, but because she is ahead. Also, she is very comfortable in the kitchen. Must be the asbestos pantsuit.

Wolf again asks the important question: is Hillary playing the gender card? For some reason, though, he only asks this of Edwards, presumably because he is the most “girly” of any of the candidates, as opposed to Wolf, who is manly and is named Wolf and has a beard.

Wolf interrupts Kucinich while he is calling for impeachment, because heaven forfend anyone be allowed to say anything interesting.

Hillary accuses Obama of wanting to raise Social Security taxes on fire fighters and school supervisors.


Biden wants to appoint to the Supreme Court someone who ran as dogcatcher. Not a joke, he says. And his first nominee will be a woman. A woman dogcatcher.

Are elections actually held for an office of dogcatcher anywhere in the country?

Kucinich will appoint aliens from that UFO he saw that time to the Supreme Court.

Someone in the audience asks Hillary if she prefers diamonds or pearls. She said it depends on who what Bill did this time.

Democratic Debate: Rocky XXVIII

Obama says that his fight with Hillary is the most hyped fight since Rocky fought Apollo Creed (hint: he’s Rocky in this scenario). That is some damned disturbing imagery there.

(Later: oh, I get it, he thinks a Rocky reference will go over big because he’s in Philadelphia, where, I believe, that movie was set.)


John Edwards was then invited to pile on Hillary (I believe that makes him Mr. T), which he did, accusing her of “double talk,” although I would say that her evasiveness and over-caution makes it more half talk or quarter talk.

Hillary asks, if she’s so like the Republicans, why are they all attacking her, huh, huh? Um, is that a trick question? She says it’s because she’s stood up against George Bush and his failed policies. Doesn’t mention any of his failed policies she’s actually hindered in the tiniest way. Edwards later says that the R’s keep attacking her because she’s the one they want to run against. Ouch.


Hillary says she will solve Social Security without raising any taxes through “fiscal responsibility,” whatever the hell that means.

After Russert invited the candidates to beat up on Hillary, he invited them to beat up on Iran, because he thinks it will make the debate more exciting. He is wrong.

Biden says the Kyl-Lieberman vote played into the “urban legend” that the US is in a crusade against Islam. I think he means that’s a legend in urban areas like Baghdad, Fallujah, you know, the urban areas with bomb craters.


Hillary, like all of them, says she will try diplomacy on Iran. Says sanctions are a part of diplomacy. I don’t think she knows what the word “diplomacy” means.

Oh, pardon me, she said “vigorous diplomacy.” Well, that’s entirely different.


Edwards says, correctly, that Kyl-Lieberman gave Bush and Cheney everything they wanted and that it looks like it was written by the neo-cons. Dude, what do you think Joe Lieberman is if not a neo-con?


(Long gap here where I lapsed into a hypnotic state, but I’m pretty sure no one said anything interesting.)

Biden on Giuliani: “There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and 9/11.” Nice. Of course Biden mentions about 173 things in each of his sentences.

Asked about Twitt Romney twice “confusing” his name with Osama bin Laden’s, Obama says he never pays attention to Romney, who’ll probably say something different next week. Man, he needs to hire Biden’s gag-writer.

When did Kucinich start talking about impeaching Bush & Cheney?

And then they said stuff about the alternative minimum tax. And hedge funds.

Lightning round. Can any candidate answer any question in 30 seconds? Surprisingly, no. Honestly, if they can’t solve education in America in 30 seconds, how can they possibly expect to be president? Gravel wasn’t allowed on the stage today, but moron blowhards Tim Russert and Brian Williams were allowed to run this debate.

Only Chris Dodd says illegal immigrants shouldn’t get driver’s licenses, as NY is now debating. He said solemnly that it’s a privilege, not a right. Then played a short film strip about road accidents and pedestrian right-of-way. Hillary... seemed to have 3 or 4 positions on the subject – sometimes 30 seconds is actually too long.


Kucinich confirms that he did indeed see a UFO. Obama dodges question on whether there is life on other worlds. Did I mention that answers on education were confined to 30 seconds?

Only Dodd wants to decriminalize marijuana.

Biden is asked if he would advise people not to buy toys from China for Christmas. Did I mention that answers on education were confined to 30 seconds?

Only Obama is asked what he’ll go dressed as for Halloween, dammit. He’ll wear a Mitt Romney mask, which will have two faces. Anyone have any costume suggestions for the other candidates?

Democratic debate: You shouldn’t always say everything you think when you are running for president

Tonight the Democratic presidential candidates not named Gravel debated in an AFL-CIO debate. I’ll go out on a limb and predict that the gay-themed debate two days from now will be less snooze-inducing. The candidates were all in favor of infrastructure and against mine cave-ins. All of which would have sounded a lot kinkier at the gay debate.

Obama would call the president of Mexico and the (non-existent) president of Canada to fix NAFTA. Biden, despite not representing a state actually bordering Canada, knows they have a prime minister.


Hillary said if you want someone to stand up and fight the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, “I’m your girl.” Does that mean she’ll fight like a girl?


Kucinich says he’s the Seabiscuit of this race. Or possibly Hillary said she’s Seabiscuit and Kucinich said he’s your girl – I wasn’t paying very close attention. All of which would have sounded a lot kinkier at the gay debate. Which will be on the Logo Channel, by the way, for the 3 of you who get that one. Last month I saw a very good 1972 tv movie on that channel with Hal Holbrooke as a divorced man coming out to his 14-year old son. His live-in boyfriend was Martin Sheen.


Asked about China, Hillary said she doesn’t want her children [sic] eating bad food from China, or playing with toys from China that will make them sick. Isn’t Chelsea a little old for Thomas the Tank Engine?


Everyone but Obama is so solicitous of General Musharaf. Jeez guys, does the opposite of “naive” (if threatening to invade a country can be so described) really have to be cynical and Kissingerian? Hillary lectured him, “You shouldn’t always say everything you think when you are running for president.” So, COMPETITION 1: What is she thinking that she isn’t saying?


COMPETITION 2: Edwards said that, unlike Hillary, “You’ll never see me on the cover of Fortune magazine”. What magazine cover will we see him on?

Democratic debate: You can now, John, go to Hanoi and get a Baskin-Robbins ice cream cone

Transcript.

Personally, I think if they were going to have a YouTube debate, the candidates should have had to respond to whatever the top 10 YouTube videos were today. We need to know what Kucinich thinks of the cat who plays the piano, what Christopher Dodd thinks of the trailer for the Simpsons movie, and everybody’s opinion of Jessica Biel’s butt.

Hillary is asked if she’s a liberal. She prefers the word progressive, which has “a real American meaning,” or did right up until the moment when she appropriated it and emptied it of any meaning.


Asked to demonstrate their bi-partisanship by naming a Republican they could choose as their running mate, if they were running for president in a wacky sitcom shown only on YouTube, Biden says Chuck Hagel. Sadly, no one else is asked. At the risk of sounding like those knuckleheads at unity08.com, where I’ve seen people seriously propose that Obama and McCain run together, what Republican would be a good – and by good of course I mean amusing – veep for Hillary, Edwards, or whomever? Include an explanation if necessary. And no fair everybody suggesting David Vitter for Hillary.


Reparations for black people (actually, “is African-Americans ever going to get reparations for slavery?” I guess no one posted a video on the subject using grammatical English, huh CNN?): Barack does not take the opportunity to mention that he probably wouldn’t qualify because his ancestors weren’t slaves. Kucinich is the only candidate who supports them (though he doesn’t say how much), making him the instant frontrunner among former slaves, assuming he wasn’t already.

Obama, in a haircut that makes his ears look huuuuuge from certain angles, says he is authentically black because he can’t get a cab in Manhattan.


Hillary says she is authentically female. We’ll take her word for it.

Edwards says he is authentically pretty.

Two underlit lesbians ask if the candidates would let them marry... each other. Kucinich says yes, making him the instant frontrunner among underlit lesbians, assuming he wasn’t already. Dodd says civil unions yes, marriage no. Ditto Richardson, with full marriage rights. Edwards says it is a very difficult issue for him. Poor baby.


Asked about Darfur, Biden said, “Those kids will be dead by the time the diplomacy [Richardson talked about diplomacy] is over. I’m not joking.” Thank you for clearing that up.

Gravel says the Vietnam War was in vain because you can buy a Baskin-Robbins ice cream cone in Hanoi. Ho Ho Ho Chi mint. Let’s see, 55,000 American lives divided by 31 flavors...

Wait, doesn’t that mean we won? Otherwise, Baskin-Robbins here would have only one flavor, rice.

Obama says that troops never die in vain.


Everyone says women should register for the draft. Asks Gravel, who you’d really think would have found out at his age, “What’s the difference?”

Hillary is asked if Arab leaders would take her, a woman, seriously. Yes, she says, pretty much everyone finds me scary.


The candidates are asked if they sent their children to public or private schools, and whether they told their children about sex with medically-correct and age-appropriate terms. Hillary said she just handed Chelsea a copy of the Starr Report.

A video from someone in their bathroom in wacky Berkeley (which CNN spells Berkely) asked something about compact flourescent bulbs. Edwards said their harsh light takes away from his prettiness. Yes, I’m totally making up the answers now. I lost interest about the time they were asked who their favorite teachers were.


I couldn’t quite see, but it looked like they all raised their hands when asked if they flew to the debate on a private jet, except Gravel, who took the train. Obama says he would have taken a cab from Manhattan, but, well, you know.

Asked about health care, Edwards talked about his three-day Poverty Tour (evidently you can see all of it in three days, if you’re using a private jet), in which he met a guy who couldn’t talk until he got his cleft palate repaired when he was 50. Everyone looked at Biden and sighed, for some reason.


A scary man asked if they would take away his semi-automatic (which he called his baby). Biden said yes. He will be missed.

I set the recorder for 5 minutes overtime but they went longer still. Just as it cut out, Edwards was criticizing Hillary’s coat. He will be missed.

Democratic debate: Trying to get black men to understand it is not unmanly to wear a condom

There was a Democratic presidential debate tonight. I fell asleep. To show how different bloggers are from normal people, I woke up while Kucinich was speaking.


The debate was at Howard University, the questioners were black, and the camera kept focusing on Al Sharpton in the audience, nodding his head or looking very stern indeed.


I amused myself trying to decide who the whitest candidate is. I would have a poll, but I strongly suspect you people would all vote that it’s Obama. Mike Gravel may have lost some points by not being entirely au fait on the terminology, referring to “black African-Americans,” and for saying that the war on drugs “does nothing but savage our inner cities,” possibly not the best choice of verb. He’s from Alaska, you know.


On the other hand, in the HIV/AIDS segment, Bill Richardson talked about the need to “penetrate” minority communities. Biden said he spent last summer in the black sections of town trying to get black men to wear condoms. It’s nice he has a hobby. Also, he said that he and Barack have both been tested for AIDS and there’s no shame in that (Obama’s over-speedy insistence that he got tested with his wife, not with Biden, undercut that message, though he put on a big smile to prove that he was going along with a joke rather than exhibiting homosexual panic).


Kucinich said that Michael Moore is right about the need to get insurance companies out of medicine, which might get him some attention on Fox on any other week than the one when Paris Hilton got out of jail. He also called for a constitutional amendment for equality in educational opportunity. I have no idea how that would work, and I doubt he does either.


Others brought their shop-worn slogans along. Edwards tried to work race into his “two nations” thing, and Hillary reassured us that “I really believe that it takes a village to raise a child”.


About the time I was nodding off, I could swear I heard Joe Biden say that we could repeal Bush’s tax cuts for the rich because... “they didn’t ask for it,” and they’re patriots who wouldn’t mind. But that would be a supremely silly thing to say, so I probably just dreamed it. At least I didn’t dream about him trying to convince Barack Obama to wear a condom.


There will be many, many, many more debates, which is good because so many questions remain unanswered. What’s up with Edwards’ yellow wrist band? And Gravel’s pants? And will I ever mention Chris Dodd in one of these posts?