The State of the Union is... stronger (we’re grading on a curve now)

Tonight Obama delivered the Motherfucking State of the Motherfucking Union Address (MSOTMU).

HE’S JUST NOT WILLING TO ADMIT IT’S BEEN MORE THAN ELEVEN YEARS, NOT “A DECADE,” IS HE? “After a decade of grinding war, our brave men and women in uniform are coming home.”

RUBBLE? WHAT CRISIS WAS THIS? DID I MISS SOMETHING? WAS IT AN ASTEROID HITTING THE EARTH? WHAT IS THIS RUBBLE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK??? “So, together, we have cleared away the rubble of crisis, and we can say with renewed confidence that the State of our Union is stronger.” Stronger than what, he does not say.

AS OPPOSED TO JUST THE RIGHT NUMBER OF PEOPLE: “too many people still can’t find full-time employment.”

WHAT PART OF “CORPORATIONS THRIVE ON HUMAN MISERY” DO YOU STILL NOT UNDERSTAND? “Corporate profits have skyrocketed to all-time highs -- but for more than a decade, wages and incomes have barely budged.”

THE MIDDLE CLASS SHOULD BE A LITTLE WORRIED THAT IT’S ABOUT TO BE “REIGNITED”: “It is our generation’s task, then, to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth -- a rising, thriving middle class.”

OUR UNFINISHED TASK: “It is our unfinished task to restore the basic bargain that built this country -- the idea that if you work hard and meet your responsibilities, you can get ahead, no matter where you come from, no matter what you look like, or who you love.” Slaves, women... he keeps forgetting those people. Also, the basic bargain that built this country was about fairness based on “who you love”? Unless the basic bargain that built this country had something to do with Jefferson fucking his slaves?

THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS PAUL KRUGMAN GRINDING HIS TEETH: “we are more than halfway towards the goal of $4 trillion in deficit reduction that economists say we need to stabilize our finances.”

The sequester is “a really bad idea.” Almost makes you wonder how it got put into legislation. No, wait, it doesn’t.

He wants to cut Medicare... just like Simpson-Bowles!

IS THERE ANY REASON TO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE SAYS AFTER THESE WORDS? “So let’s set party interests aside and...”

AND YOU THOUGHT THE US DIDN’T MANUFACTURE STUFF ANY MORE: “The greatest nation on Earth cannot keep conducting its business by drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next.”

This speech is sprinkled with half-meaningful statistics. X million jobs have been created, gas mileage has doubled, etc but over what period of time? He doesn’t say; this is the sort of number meant to convey an impression of conveying information without actually doing so.

WE CAN HAVE IT ALL! “Now, the good news is we can make meaningful progress on [global warming] while driving strong economic growth.” Is “driving” really the word you wanted to use there?

CALM DOWN, KIDS, IT DOESN’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS: “And tomorrow, my administration will release a new ‘College Scorecard’ that parents and students can use to compare schools”.

OFTEN WITH ACTUAL HARNESSES: “Our economy is stronger when we harness the talents and ingenuity of striving, hopeful immigrants.”

SOUNDS DIRTY: “putting more boots on the Southern border”.

WHEREIN IS REVEALED WHAT MAKES YOU A MAN: “what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.” And what makes you a sexist is talking about “what makes you a man.” (That said, how often do actual references to fucking make it into the SOTU? Not enough, that’s how often.)

DEFEATING THE CORE: “we can say with confidence that America will complete its mission in Afghanistan and achieve our objective of defeating the core of al Qaeda.”

He says he’ll withdraw 34,000 troops from Afghanistan over the next year and “by the end of next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over.”

Except... he plans to continue “counterterrorism efforts that allow us to pursue the remnants of al Qaeda and their affiliates.” So the war will be dead, long live counterterrorism efforts.

A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO FLYING KILLER ROBOTS: “And all over the world, through a range of capabilities, we will continue to take direct action against those terrorists who pose the gravest threat to Americans.”

I THOUGHT WE’D ALREADY SENT THEM OFF TO DIE: “Now, as we do, we must enlist our values in the fight.”

HOW CAN WE TAKE YOUR WORD WHEN YOU WON’T EVEN USE THE WORD DRONES? “I recognize that in our democracy, no one should just take my word for it that we’re doing things the right way.”

He calls the North Korean nuke test a “provocation.” He’s feeling very provoked.

People affected by gun violence “deserve a vote” (on gun legislation). He’s not even asking that gun control bills be passed, because that would just be crazy talk, but that they not be bottled up, which is also crazy talk.

I’M THINKING DONUTS OF SOME KIND. MAYBE WITH SPRINKLES. “I’m announcing a nonpartisan commission to improve the voting experience in America.”

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State of the Union Address: Can you blame them for feeling a little cynical?

Transcript.

GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES: He starts by talking about Iraq. “We gather tonight knowing that this generation of heroes has made the United States safer and more respected around the world.” Just ask the people of Haditha about that fucking respect.

Hey, did I mention I killed bin Laden?

It took him five full sentences to get to the binLadencide; you gotta admire the restraint.

And “The Taliban’s momentum has been broken”. He’s been saying that over and over for two or three years now and he keeps failing to say what it actually means.

For the first of several times, he suggests that we should all be like members of the military because “They’re not consumed with personal ambition. They don’t obsess over their differences.” In the last iteration of this, he adds “gay or straight” to the list of differences that don’t matter in the military, which is cute, I guess. It’s the only mention of gay people in the speech.

Boehner’s doing that thing with his mouth again this year.

In 2008, “the house of cards collapsed. We learned that mortgages had been sold to people who couldn’t afford or understand them.” So he’s saying they were too stupid to understand their mortgages – “couldn’t” understand them.

His narrative of the decline of manufacturing jobs is that these jobs actually still exist, but were moved overseas, one for one, and can be brought back by the right policies, mostly in the tax code. He mentions exactly one company bringing jobs back, Master Lock. See if you can spot the word in this sentence at which Republicans stopped applauding: “Today, for the first time in fifteen years, Master Lock’s unionized plant in Milwaukee is running at full capacity.”

Did you guess “unionized”? I thought you would.

HE’S A MAN WAY OUT THERE IN THE BLUE, RIDING ON A SMILE AND A SHOESHINE: “I will go anywhere in the world to open new markets for American products.”

“Over a thousand Americans are working today because we stopped a surge in Chinese tires.”

“Every person in this chamber can point to a teacher who changed the trajectory of their lives.”

It’s tradition that every SOTU has its “mission to Mars” thing that is never heard from again. This time, it’s a proposal for states to raise the age of mandatory schooling to 18 (or graduation, whichever comes first). (Unless the mission to Mars thing is the vests “that can stop any bullet.”)

Threatens to reduce funding to colleges that raise tuition.

THERE’S A TIME MACHINE GAP! “Don’t let other countries win the race for the future.”

Call-out to another company: Energetx, which makes 1) wind turbines, 2) people wonder what they were thinking with that name.

WE WANT OUR FUCKING WIND BACK, CHINA: “I will not cede the wind or solar or battery industry to China or Germany”.

He admits he’s giving up on getting this Congress to do anything about climate change.

HMM, WHO WAS IT WHO WANTED THE HOUSING MARKET TO HIT BOTTOM? “responsible homeowners shouldn’t have to sit and wait for the housing market to hit bottom to get some relief.”

He’s happy to get rid of “rules that don’t make sense,” such as something about spilled milk, because he could make an obvious unfunny joke about it. Obama should never ever try to tell a joke.

Am I right that I heard booing when he mentioned consumer financial protection dude Richard Cordray?

COULDN’T SOMEONE HAVE ARRANGED FOR A CAMERA TO BE ON MITT ROMNEY AS HE WATCHED THIS SPEECH? “a quarter of all millionaires pay lower tax rates than millions of middle-class households.”

IT’S THE FUCKING RICH PEOPLE WE WANT TO SEE DROWNED IN GIANT VATS OF EXCREMENT: “We don’t begrudge financial success in this country. We admire it.”

“But no matter what party they belong to, I bet most Americans are thinking the same thing right now...” (“For this we’re missing ‘New Girl’?”) “...Nothing will get done this year, or next year, or maybe even the year after that, because Washington is broken. Can you blame them for feeling a little cynical?” Yes, if they’re only feeling a little cynical.

ALTHOUGH A PERPETUAL CAMPAIGN OF MUTUAL DESTRUCTION BETWEEN NEWT GINGRICH AND MITT ROMNEY WOULD BE HILARIOUS: “We need to end the notion that the two parties must be locked in a perpetual campaign of mutual destruction”.

IF BY “ACHIEVE” YOU MEAN REDUCING FOREIGN COUNTRIES TO RUBBLE: “Because when we act together, there is nothing the United States of America can’t achieve. That is the lesson we’ve learned from our actions abroad over the last few years.”

HE WAS IN FAVOR OF VIOLENCE AND INTIMIDATION BEFORE HE WAS AGAINST VIOLENCE AND INTIMIDATION: “We will stand against violence and intimidation,” he says, about two minutes after this drone-tastic line: “From Pakistan to Yemen, the al Qaeda operatives who remain are scrambling, knowing that they can’t escape the reach of the United States of America.”

He notes that Qaddafi is “gone” as an example to Syria’s Assad, who “will soon discover that the forces of change can’t be reversed, and that human dignity can’t be denied.” Qaddafi, for example, was pulled out of a sewer pipe, sodomized with a bayonet and then shot. You know, human dignity. Can’t be denied.

He will “take no options off the table” to stop Iran getting a nuclear weapon.

Re Israel: “the closest military cooperation between our two countries in history.” What does that actually mean?

I HATE SEQUELS: “From the coalitions we’ve built to secure nuclear materials, to the missions we’ve led against hunger and disease; from the blows we’ve dealt to our enemies; to the enduring power of our moral example, America is back.”

“Anyone who tells you otherwise, anyone who tells you that America is in decline or that our influence has waned, doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

“One of my proudest possessions is the flag that the SEAL Team took with them on the mission to get bin Laden. On it are each of their names.” And what looks suspiciously like dried semen.

AND WHO’S BEHIND YOUR BACK RIGHT NOW? JOHN BOEHNER. JUST SAYING. “This Nation is great because we get each other’s backs.”

Well?

Is everyone winning the future yet? If not, get on with it. The future won’t win itself, you know.

State of the Union Address 2011: Poised for Progress

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State of the Union adjective contest

I don’t think Obama actually did a “The state of the union is strong/hopeful/hungover” sentence last year, which is a mistake. It’s like the Alfred Hitchcock cameo: you can’t just relax and watch the movie until you’ve spotted him walking a dog or wrestling with a cello.

Still, even if he doesn’t play his role, my annual role here is to offer you this contest. Fill in this sentence: “The state of the union is _____” Fearful? Olbermannless? Tea Partying Like It’s 1773? Totally over “Glee”?

SOTU addendum

EXCEPT PHILOSOPHY MAJORS, OBVIOUSLY: “In the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college.”

State of the Union Address: People expect us to solve problems, not run for the hills

WILL THIS BE ON THE TEST? “Again, we are tested.”

GOSH, HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED: “One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse, and a government deeply in debt.”

BUT THE SHUTTER BUSINESS IS DOING GREAT! “But the devastation remains: One in ten Americans still can’t find work. Many businesses have shuttered.”

IT’S CALLED PENMANSHIP, TEACHERS: “I hear about them in the letters that I read each night. The toughest to read are those written by children”.


LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION: “They don’t understand why it seems like bad behavior on Wall Street is rewarded, but hard work on Main Street isn’t”. You know, some people work quite hard at bad behaviour. Where’s their recognition? Where’s their recognition?

WAIT FOR THE PRESIDENT’S DAY SALE: “They’re tired of the partisanship and the shouting and the pettiness. They know we can’t afford it, not now.”

CONSTIPATION IS A TERRIBLE PROBLEM, ISN’T IT? “One woman wrote to me and said, ‘We are strained but hopeful, struggling but encouraged.’”

BUT STILL MORE POPULAR THAN JOE LIEBERMAN: “And if there’s one thing that has unified Democrats and Republicans -- and everybody in between -- it’s that we all hated the bank bailout. I hated it. (APPLAUSE) I hated it. I hated it. You hated it. It was about as popular as a root canal.”


LET’S INVADE THEM AND TAKE THAT SHIT! “There’s no reason Europe or China should have the fastest trains or the new factories that manufacture clean-energy products.”

CONTENTIOUS, GRIDLOCKED – WHAT SILLY BILLY SAID THAT? “From the day I took office, I’ve been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious, such effort would be too contentious. I’ve been told that our political system is too gridlocked and that we should just put things on hold for a while.”

AT THIS POINT WE’D SETTLE FOR SIXTH: “Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America.”

BUT WE’VE ALREADY BOUGHT THE WHIPS AND THUMB SCREWS: “Look, I’m not interested in punishing banks.”

HE SORTA UNDERCUT THIS ONE BY EARLIER COMMENTS ABOUT THE NEED FOR “A NEW GENERATION OF SAFE, CLEAN NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS”: “I know that there are those who disagree with the overwhelming scientific evidence on climate change.”

HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP FOR EVERYBODY! “So tonight, we set a new goal: We will double our exports over the next five years, an increase that will support 2 million jobs in America.”


NO ONE AN ACCUSE HIM OF GETTING SOME LEGISLATIVE VICTORY UNDER HIS BELT: “I didn’t choose to tackle this issue [HCR] to get some legislative victory under my belt. And by now, it should be fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was good politics.”

MICHELLE IS TACKLING FAT KIDS: “I want to acknowledge our first lady, Michelle Obama, who this year is creating a national movement to tackle the epidemic of childhood obesity”.

“Still, this is a complex issue. And the longer it was debated, the more skeptical people became. I take my share of the blame for not explaining it more clearly to the American people. And I know that with all the lobbying and horse-trading, this process left most Americans wondering, ‘What’s in it for me?’” A pony? (‘cause of the horse-trading. Try to keep up.)

THIS SPEECH IS A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION: “By the time I’m finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their health insurance.”


HE THINKS REPUBLICANS WILL LET TEMPERATURES COOL. ISN’T THAT ADORABLE? “As temperatures cool, I want everyone to take another look at the plan we’ve proposed.”

WAIT, HAS NO ONE EVER TOLD HIM ABOUT SINGLE-PAYER? “But if anyone from either party has a better approach that will bring down premiums, bring down the deficit, cover the uninsured, strengthen Medicare for seniors, and stop insurance company abuses, let me know. Let me know. Let me know.”

Three-year discretionary spending freeze. Bipartisan Fiscal Commission, which “can’t be one of those Washington gimmicks that lets us pretend we solved a problem.”


NAKED JELLO WRESTLING? “Rather than fight the same tired battles that have dominated Washington for decades, it’s time to try something new.”

“With all due deference to separation of powers, last week, the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests, including foreign corporations, to spend without limit in our elections. I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests or, worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people.” Decided by the American people – isn’t he just adorable?

And he has a really specific proposal: “And I urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps correct some of these problems.”

NO, HE THOUGHT HE’D HAVE TO BE SWORN IN TOO: “Now, I’m not naive. I never thought that the mere fact of my election would usher in peace and harmony and some post-partisan era.”

THEY SHOULD DO IT BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY: “Neither party should delay or obstruct every single bill just because they can.”

BIDEN PREFERS TO TAKE THE TRAIN FOR THE HILLS: “To Democrats, I would remind you that we still have the largest majority in decades and the people expect us to solve problems, not run for the hills.” Really? Is that what people expect?

poll by twiigs.com

AND NOW, OBAMA TRIES TO SHAME THOSE WITHOUT SHAME. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT: “And if the Republican leadership is going to insist that 60 votes in the Senate are required to do any business at all in this town, a supermajority, then the responsibility to govern is now yours, as well. Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership.”


SADLY: “Sadly, some of the unity we felt after 9/11 has dissipated.” Yeah, the unity that was exploited to curtail our freedoms and propel us into two wars, it’s so very sad to see any of that dissipate.

“MAKE NO MISTAKE” IS THE NEW “IN OTHER WORDS”: “But make no mistake: This war is ending, and all of our troops are coming home.”

INNOCENT BYSTANDER: “We have gone from a bystander to a leader in the fight against climate change.” Bystander? We were, and are, the leading contributor to climate change. We weren’t standing, we were driving our fat children to school in giant Hummers.

He says Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will be repealed this very year.

I FORGET, WHICH IS THE TOP-RATED CABLE NEWS CHANNEL AGAIN? “The more that TV pundits reduce serious debates to silly arguments, big issues into sound bites, our citizens turn away.”

“Our administration has had some political setbacks this year, and some of them were deserved.” He did not say which ones.

“We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come. A new decade stretches before us.” Say what you will about the man, he totally knows how to read a calendar.

BIG FINISH: “We don’t quit. I don’t quit. Let’s seize this moment, to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more.”

The State of the Union is...?

Time for our annual SOTU contest: What adjective will Obama use to complete the above sentence.

For extra points, what big initiative will he propose, post-Scott Brown? I’m guessing midnight basketball.

The State of the Union is Lost

Obama is considering giving the State of the Union Address on February 2nd, the day Lost was supposed to have had its season premiere, which is appropriate because, if I recall correctly, Oceanic Flight 815 was brought down by a Nigerian with explosives in his underpants.

DIY CONTEST: Pretend I’ve devised a clever contest combining in some way Lost and the SOTU, and provide an entry to that contest. For example, what cabinet positions might Obama name Hurley, Locke or Sawyer to? Or, LOST FANS WON’T BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE... Obama announces commission to investigate why the fuck there are polar bears on that island.

The un-State of the Union Address: Nobody messes with Joe

And the State of the Union is... Obamalicious.

Transcript.

WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY: “We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before.” Better, stronger, faster...

IN OTHER... OH, WAIT: “In other words, we have lived through an era where too often short-term gains were prized over long-term prosperity”.


YOU RECKON? “Well, that day of reckoning has arrived”.

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING: “As soon as I took office, I asked this Congress to send me a recovery plan... not because I believe in bigger government -- I don’t.”

WITH GREAT BAILOUTS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY: “And with a plan of this scale comes enormous responsibility to get it right.”


YOU DON’T TUG ON SUPERMAN’S CAPE: “And that’s why I’ve asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe.”

ON ANY GIVEN DAY: “Now, I understand that, on any given day, Wall Street may be more comforted by an approach that gives bank bailouts with no strings attached and that holds nobody accountable for their reckless decisions, but such an approach won’t solve the problem.” Well, not unless you think the problem is bankers and wall street types not getting rich enough.

THE FANCY DRAPES INDUSTRY IS DOOMED, DOOMED! WHERE’S THEIR BAILOUT? DO THEY NOT BLEED? “This time -- this time, CEOs won’t be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks, or buy fancy drapes, or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over.”

WHAT IT’S ABOUT: “It’s not about helping banks; it’s about helping people.”


WADDLE, YES, WALK, NO: “I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it.”

WHAT WE WON’T DO: “But this is America. We don’t do what’s easy.”

AND FALLING ASLEEP IN ENGLISH CLASS IS FALLING ASLEEP ON YOUR COUNTRY: “dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It’s not just quitting on yourself; it’s quitting on your country.”


LINE THAT PROVOKED THE MOST MOCK-DERISIVE LAUGHTER FROM THE R CONGRESSCRITTERS: “Now, I’m proud that we passed a recovery plan free of earmarks.”

LINE THAT PROVOKED THE MOST MOCK-DERISIVE LAUGHTER FROM YOUR BLOGGER: “I can stand here tonight and say without exception or equivocation that the United States of America does not torture. We can make that commitment here tonight.”

Evidently one Ty’Sheoma Bethea, the obligatory little girl who wrote a letter, says “We are not quitters.”


BIG FINISH: “And if we do, if we come together and lift this nation from the depths of this crisis, if we put our people back to work and restart the engine of our prosperity, if we confront without fear the challenges of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not quit, then some day, years from now, our children can tell their children that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, ‘something worthy to be remembered.’” And those children will say, Yeah, whatever, grandpa, and roll their eyes. These kids of the future today, they got no respect I tell ya.

Speaking of kids of the future, here’s the response of Slumdog Governor Bobby Jindal.

...No, I can’t do it. I made the mistake of looking at other blogs, and now I can’t get the Kenneth the Page thing out of my head.

Bobby makes fun of magnetic levitation high-speed trains and of a provision in the stimulus bill for “something called volcano monitoring.” He’s never heard of such a thing. Here’s Bobby Jindal’s idea of a knee slapper: “Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, DC.” He is the future of the Republican party.

State of the Union Address: Spreading the hope of freedom (in 357 days)

Transcript.

6:08 Bush just waggled his eyebrows


and winked


at Congress. Which I’m sure makes them feel special and tingly all over.

I didn’t catch which members of the Cabinet and Congress are staying away to carry on the work of government should there be a terrorist attack or Cheney get hold of an Uzi. (Update: it was Dirk Kempthorne. Had anything of that nature happened, it would have been President Dirk Kempthorne.) (Let me repeat that: President Dirk Kempthorne.) Also, I believe Atrios is sitting this one out in case every blogger’s head explodes.

Both Bush twins, however, are there for the first time. Should there be a terrorist attack or Cheney get hold of an Uzi, the genetic line would be extinguished.

6:12 Bush says the economy is going through uncertainty, and Cheney’s head suddenly jerks.

6:12 Boehner: this is an intervention: you are spending too much time in the tanning salon.

6:13 He says that some people wouldn’t object to paying higher taxes, and “The IRS accepts checks and money orders.” Also, the blood of the innocent and the howls of the damned.


6:15 “American families have to balance their budgets, so should their government.” Wait, I’m supposed to be balancing my budget? Uh oh.

6:22 He wants to “liberate children trapped in failing schools”. PS 23 and Martin Luther King Jr High School: the new axis of evil.

6:24 If we don’t pass the free trade agreement with Colombia, we will “embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere.” Meaning Hugo Chavez, of course, although ABC’s cameras went amusingly to John Kerry.

6:27 Greenhouse agreements will only work if every country on the planet signs and none gets a “free ride.” Especially on public transportation, which he mysteriously left out of his half-hearted laundry list of measures to reduce global warming.


6:34 “We’ve seen wedding guests in blood-soaked finery staggering from a hotel in Jordan”. Of course, the US has soaked more than our share of finery, bombing or shooting up weddings on several occasions in both Afghanistan and Iraq.
(Update: Eli at LeftI is all over this one too.)

6:37 We are “spreading the hope of freedom.” Afghanistan is now “a young democracy where boys and girls are going to school.” Um, right.

6:44 Al Qaida is on the run in Iraq. Just like last year and the year before that and the year before that. A lot of running, is what I’m saying.

It’s hard to find anything to say about this, it’s all very stale. “Return on success,” other bits of leftover rhetoric.

6:46 He asks Congress to fully fund the troops. ABC zooms right in on some guy who’s yawning, sitting next to a woman in uniform.

6:49 A failed Iraq would embolden the extremists. That’s the second use of “embolden.”

6:52 Iran (which he’s been accusing in rather vague terms of being behind everything we don’t like throughout the Middle East) should “come clean about your [he refers to it in the second person] nuclear intentions and past actions”.


6:56 “America opposes genocide in Sudan.” In case anyone was, you know, asking.

6:57 The US is leading the fight against “global hunger.” Which I think is when you really want a globe for dinner, with maybe a Triptik for dessert.

He never actually said what the state of the union is, although he did say if we did blah blah blah the state of the union will remain strong.

Well that was an hour well spent.

The State of the Union is...

Three hours before kick off, we are now taking bets on what Bush will declare the State of the Union to be:

more at twiigs.com...

State of the Union: I ask you to give it a chance to work

6:14 “I congratulate the Democrat majority.” He just couldn’t bring himself to say Democratic, could he? (Update: it was Democratic in the prepared version.)

6:15 Evidently they must still “guard America against all evil.” Dude, Cheney’s sitting right behind you, with a hurt expression on his face.


6:19 He’s against earmarks, which I can’t quite recall being mentioned in earlier SOTUs. The time has come to end this practice. I wonder what happened in, say, November that makes this the time.

6:20 I’m watching in high definition and, holy shit, I just caught a glimpse of Ted Kennedy....

6:26 Patrick Leahy is not a high-def kind of guy either.

6:22 A disguised proposal, which I wouldn’t have even recognized had AP not predicted it. Bush’s words: “giving families with children stuck in failing schools the right to choose something better.” What that meant is that he plans to propose letting them use public money to pay for private schools. This is obviously one of those obligatory no-chance-in-hell proposals that so enliven SOTU speeches. He might as well suggest letting them transfer to private schools on Mars.


6:23 Speaking of DOA proposals, here’s his health insurance tax-deduction scheme (order now and get free switch grass!). No reference here to “gold-plated” insurance policies, although poor people will supposedly be helped to get “basic” private insurance.

6:31 We will reduce gasoline use by 20% in 10 years, without a single American having to get out of their car and step on a smelly bus or walk or bike to work.


6:34 “Yet one question has surely been settled - that to win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy.”

6:37 Who have “shoreless ambitions”.

6:40 “What every terrorist fears most is human freedom”. And spiders.

“Free people are not drawn to violent and malignant ideologies”. Dude, Cheney is still right behind you.


6:42 John McCain is adorable when he’s sleeping.

6:43 “This is not the fight we entered in Iraq, but it’s the fight we are in.” If it’s not the fight we entered, shouldn’t there be a new vote in Congress?

6:47 “the consequences of failure would be grievous and far-reaching.”

6:48 Shia or Shiite, make up your mind.

6:50 “Our country is pursuing a new strategy in Iraq - and I ask you to give it a chance to work.” I repeat: you mean give it a chance to fail.

6:50 “The war on terror we fight today is a generational struggle that will continue long after you and I have turned our duties over to others.” Notice the shift: when he first started talking about this being the “struggle of a generation,” he meant a fight that fell to one particular generation. Now he uses “generational” to mean a fight that will last at least a generation.


6:54 We will “continue to awaken the conscience of the world to save the people of Darfur.” So, just talking about it, then.

7:02 Instead of the usual God bless the United States of America, or the creepier May God continue to bless, we just got a perfunctory “God bless.”

Oh, I forgot: the state of the union is strong. He really does have a tiny vocabulary, doesn’t he? We’re lucky he didn’t say the state of the union is interesting.

Well, this wasn’t a very interesting post, but then it wasn’t a very interesting speech. No would-be stirring phrases, no new formulations like “axis of evil,” no clarion call to stop human-animal hybrids. No one will remember a word of it tomorrow.

Transcript.

Chimpy needs all the help he can get

The White House has released a list of people who will be sitting with Laura Bush at the SOTU address. It includes Wesley Autrey, the guy who jumped onto the tracks of the NY subway to rescue a man who had fallen in front of an oncoming train.

Nope, no metaphors here.

State of the Union: Second-guessing is not a strategery

Before I forget: the state of the union is strong. Who knew?

Evidently “our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger.” Oh, I’m pretty sure they can be.

Then he tried to define those differences as between something and nothing. For example, “We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom – or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life.” Isolationism and protectionism is how he describes the alternative, essentially an absence of policy rather than a competing policy.

An odd historical statement: he describes 9/11 as resulting from “problems originating in a failed and oppressive state seven thousand miles away”. It took me a minute to get that he was blaming 9/11 on Afghanistan rather than, for example, any of the countries that the hijackers or bin Laden actually came from.

More bad history-writing: “In 1945, there were about two dozen lonely democracies on Earth. Today, there are 122.” I can’t wait to see that list, although he names just 5 that aren’t on it: Syria, Burma, Iran, Zimbabwe, North Korea, and “the demands of justice, and the peace of this world, require their freedom as well.” You know, just to shake it up a little, I say the next country we invade should be Zimbabwe rather than Iran. It’s actually a little hard to see how the peace of the world requires regime change in Burma and Zimbabwe.

Of course one of the reasons there are so many more countries now than in 1945 is that many of those “lonely democracies” held vast colonial empires. It’s funny that when he talks about the march of freedom, he never mentions the freedom of nations from the control of more powerful nations.

America, of course, is such a total innocent that the fight with “radical Islam” is “a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite.”

Here’s a rather un-PC statement: “No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it.” Equal opportunity for women freedom-ragers-against!

“Terrorists like bin Laden are serious about mass murder”. Dude, that’s just when they’re at work.

Evidently the United States “will never surrender to evil.” Hey, Cheney is sitting right behind you, and now his feelings are all hurt.

Evidently “second-guessing is not a strategy.” Er, is it a tactic?

Who was the guy in the Dr. Who scarf?

Here’s what you missed if you heard it on radio: he introduced the parents and wife of a dead soldier, and then he winked at them, he fucking winked. Winked! As the applause went on, a smug look, smug even by Bush standards of smugness, spread across his chimp-like face – what the hell did he have to be smug about? – and then he winked again, I’m not sure at who. What is wrong with him?

He may not have had that long a laundry list of things he wanted from Congress, but he sure did for Hamas, and as he told Hamas that it needed to disarm, renounce terrorism, recognize Israel, etc etc, the CNN cameras moved inevitably to Bush’s house Jew, Holy Joe Lieberman. Later, when he talked about malpractice reform, they went to Bill “Kitty Killer” Frist. And when he talked about infants with malaria, they went to Rumsfeld. What do they know about him?

In a silly stunt, he spoke directly to the citizens of Iran. Who he respects. No, sorry, who America respects. We do? Since when? He really needed to say when he stopped talking to the citizens of Iran, or turned to face a different camera or something.

He called it the “terrorist surveillance program” twice. And he informed “appropriate” members of Congress about it. As opposed to the inappropriate members of Congress.

Evidently “we will not sit back and wait to be hit again.” And just let me be the first of many bloggers to respond to that line with this picture:


Aw, he called for a line-item veto. How quaint.

Talking (vaguely) about health care, he said we should strengthen the doctor-patient relationship. I have no idea how he proposes to do that.

Oil, he says, “is often imported from unstable parts of the world.” Huh, see any causal relationship there, chuckles? “The best way to break this addiction [to oil] is through technology.” Certainly not by, I don’t know, driving less. And so he announced this year’s mission to Mars / hydrogen car, i.e., the thing that will never be heard from again, well, along with the bipartisan commission on Social Security, the Advanced Energy Initiative (his buddies at the American Enterprise Institute won’t be happy with that name). He wants “safe, clean” nuclear energy, and “cutting-edge” ethanol.

On education, he focused entirely on teaching math. Somebody has issues. He wants to “give early help to students who struggle with math, so they have a better chance at good, high-wage jobs.” If they’re so bad at math, why don’t we just tell them their jobs are high-wage, they’ll never know the difference.

He repeated the phrase “a hopeful society” over and over, often in contexts that seem to have little to do with being a hopeful society: “A hopeful society depends on courts that deliver equal justice under law.... A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners... A hopeful society expects elected officials to uphold the public trust” etc etc.

Also, he’s really against human cloning and human-animal hybrids. In case you were wondering.

Interesting

Bush press conference, yippee. Gives us a little State of the Union (SOTU) preview: “I’m going to remind people we’re living in historic times.” Of course while he’s giving the speech, it will feel like geologic times.

In his ongoing efforts to reduce his vocabulary to the smallest number of words possible, Shrub has pretty much stopped using any adjective except “interesting.” Today, for example, on the SOTU: “it’s an interesting experience to walk out there”; on meeting Alito’s law clerks: “an interesting experience”; on the Palestinian elections: “very interesting”, “an interesting day”; on budget talks: “that’s going to be an interesting discussion”. It’s just about the least communicative adjective he could choose, conveying almost no information. It’s public speaking by the lazy for the lazy; the listener isn’t supposed to think any harder about the meaning of the sentence than Bush did in formulating it.

The Palestinian elections provide Bush an opportunity – an interesting opportunity – to go all Federalist Papers on the meaning of democracy:

You see, when you give people the vote, you give people a chance to express themselves at the polls

Dude, you’re blowing my mind.

-- and if they’re unhappy with the status quo, they’ll let you know. That’s the great thing about democracy, it provides a look into society.

But “if your platform is the destruction of Israel, it means you’re not a partner in peace. And we’re interested in peace.” Yeah, peace is interesting.

Actually, his words really do give an insight into his view of democracy, despite himself. The election was “a wake-up call to the leadership” which “should open the eyes of the old guard”; “one way to figure out how to address the needs of the people is to let them express themselves at the ballot box”; “If government hadn’t been responsive, I’m not the least bit surprised that people said, I want government to be responsive.” This is a top-down model, in which leaders listen to the people, respond to them, take their views under advisement, but aren’t really controlled by them.

In defending the “terrorist surveillance program,” Bush uses the phrase “connecting the dots,” which we’ve been hearing several times a day from one Bushie or another. I wonder if they focus-grouped it?

On domestic spying: “And I’m intending to use that power -- Congress says, go ahead and conduct the war, we’re not going to tell you how to do it.”

On the pictures with Abramoff, “I’m also mindful that we live in a world in which those pictures will be used for pure political purposes, and they’re not relevant to the investigation.” Of course he met with Abramoff for purely political purposes, Abramoff was a purely political operator, so what’s your point?

No one bothered to ask about the Damadola airstrike, so I guess there wasn’t much point to forgoing the usual questions when he met the Pakistani prime minister (Rumsfeld also skipped a Q&A after his meeting). Molly Ivins has the question I’d like to see asked: “Are you the worst president since James Buchanan, or have you never heard of him?”

Alternative caption: Republicans display fingers they had dipped in the blood of infidels.

Marc Cooper on this stunt: “These congress-twerps who spend their days and night suckling on the special interests tit braved no more than the risk of camera-light sunburn for their efforts.”

Opening the door to freedom, but not to frivolous asbestos lawsuits

The Czech Republic is going to lower the minimum wage. I can’t remember a country ever doing that before.

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) has boldly come out against old people having sex, which we can all agree is as icky as anything thought up by the other Stephen King. The Medicare drug plan will cover Viagra in cases of erectile disfunction, but Mr. King says “If we are going to subsidize someone’s recreational sex, I don’t think that’s what our founding fathers had in mind.” Right, they had slaves for that.

Allawi claims that all the suicide bombers caught on the day of the elections were non-Iraqis, which is not a claim I’ve heard before (nor do I believe it).

Clean-up on the SOTU post, below: Bush said “We expect Syria to end all support for terrorists and open the door to freedom.” 1) Is that what you expect, really? Megalomaniacal much? 2) I understand the ending support for terrorists bit, but what exactly are they supposed to do to comply with the door-opening part?

Really, blogging that travesty with a cold was not the funnest experience ever. I must have been coughing during the “frivolous asbestos lawsuits” line, cuz I missed it. And life is definitely too short to bother with the Democratic response. I’m ready for my nap now, I’ll tell you. Do Republicans party after the SOTU, I wonder? Tomorrow morning will D.C. call girls be scrubbing purple ink out of their various orifices?


I don’t really have a caption for this one, I just thought Bush looks particularly goofy in it.



We’re number one! No wait, we’re purple! Hey, did you say indelible?




That look of smug bemusement does not go with that tie.



Donald Rumsfeld and John Snow wait patiently to receive their kisses.

The State of the Union is private, I mean personal, I mean strong, I don’t know what I mean

6:06 Bush enters, shakes a lot of hands. I’m hoping some of that purple ink rubs off on his hand.

Oo, the state of the union is both confident AND strong. A twofer.

6:11 CNN camera finds John McCain, who is managing to both glower and look bored at the same time. He sees the camera and immediately pretends to be asleep.

Taxpayer funds must be spent wisely or not all. Guess which one he prefers.

We must raise children to meet the demands of the 21st century. Translation: troops to occupy Iran, Syria and, just for the hell of it, Togo.

6:15 Joe Lieberman doing one of those things where you look like you’re applauding but make no sound. They learn that in Senate school.

6:18 As much as his mispronunciation of nuclear annoys me, following it up with “Clean Skies policy” is even more obnoxious. And he calls for ethanol, even though last week’s West Wing was specifically designed to scuttle that.

6:20 There’s Hillary, giving the most grudging applause on record.

6:22 He has a message for everyone 55 or older: don’t let anyone mislead you. And a message to everyone younger: let me mislead you.

6:24 I don’t think I’ve heard so many voices raised in opposition (to Bush’s lies about Social Security) in one of these things before.

6:27 The Boy in the Bubble says he’ll listen to anybody with good ideas. Except increasing payroll taxes.

6:30 We have to pass on values to the next generation. Like homophobia. As he talks about a “culture of life,” CNN turns its cameras to Christopher Reeve’s widow. Awkward... . Says values don’t come from the government. Except abstinence. And faith-based programs. And...

6:35 He proposes a program to keep young men out of gangs (he’s never heard of girl gangs?). You will never hear another word about this.

Wants to focus AIDS spending on African-Americans. Not butt-fuckers. Managed to talk about AIDS without mentioning gays, just like he called for banning gay marriage without mentioning gays.

6:38 Wants competent defense lawyers in capital cases. Of course in Texas that’s defined as “awake more than 50% of the time.”

6:40 Our military operations are determined, successful and continuing. If they’ve succeeded, why do they need to continue?

Will continue to build the coalitions that will defeat the dangers of our time.

The only thing that will defeat tyranny and whatnot is “the force of human freedom.” He makes it sound like a weapon; the words “force” and “freedom” don’t belong together. I’ve said it before: only Bush can make freedom and liberty sound like a threat.

Will support democratic movements in the Middle East and beyond, with ultimate goal of defeating tyranny in the world. Is there any example of Bush now supporting the democratic opposition to an established government in the Middle East?

Evidently there’s an arc of freedom or something from Morocco to Jordan to Bahrain. Please consult your globes. It’s an arc, really it is. They’re really reaching for geometrical expressions.

6:51 Several people aren’t standing to applaud the brave Iraqi people. I’m sure Fox is taking down their names.

They’ve even got one of those voters, sitting next to Laura. She can’t decide how many fingers she’s supposed to hold up.

6:59 If he had to pick just one soldier killed in Iraq to mention by name, wasn’t it a bit tacky to pick one from Texas?

Evil chemistry and evil biology

Holy cow, indeed: “A diamond trader in India's western state of Gujarat has been feeding a cow for three weeks to retrieve the 1,722 gemstones it swallowed after he dropped his bag in the street. Mohabbatsinh Gohil has been sifting daily through the cow's dung. He has recovered 555 stones so far and has vowed to collect them all.”

Kerry defends his vote for war as a vote only to threaten war. He says he believed Bush would only use force as a last resort.

I’m sorry, I had to type that out to see if I could do it without laughing. No, no I couldn’t.

Anyway, he says Bush misled him. Outwitted by a half-wit, what a recommendation.

The story about R Senate Judiciary Committee staffers spying on Ds and leaking to Robert Novak has yet to appear in the WaPo, and nothing in the NYT in 3 days either. It’s always interesting to see which potentially major scandals go nowhere in the press (although if the blogs weren’t so distracted by the horse-race now being won by horse-face Kerry, they might be able to force the story on the mainstream media, like Trent Lott and the Strom Thurmond thing). Nor is anyone mainstream taking the opportunity of Peter Jenning’s stern but ignorant dressing down of Wesley Clark/Michael Moore to reopen the issue of Bush’s National Guard service, although I’ve heard that Jamie Rubin, asked a question about it by Wolf Blitzer on CNN, responded that he hadn’t looked into it, have you, Wolf? at which point Wolf went rapidly to commercial.

A last comment on the State of the Union address, swear to Jebus: he mentioned his little aircraft carrier stunt but he failed to acknowledge in any way the more than 500 US soldiers killed since his previous SOTU speech.

Also, how much of the $1.5b to help people with their marriages will go to help his brother Neil--who is planning to marry his mistress once both their divorces go through--stay away from the hookers, even if they are free?

John Ashcroft: “Weapons of mass destruction including evil chemistry and evil biology are all matters of great concern.” Ashcroft also thinks dancing is evil, which may or may not be relevant, but I always like to remind you of it whenever Ashcroft’s name comes up. Also: lost an election to a dead guy (now, THAT’S evil biology!).

Got my supplementary voter’s pamphlet--not the main guide yet, of course, that would make sense. More than ever you have to ask how they choose the people who write the arguments, which in the case of Der Arnold’s pet initiatives, are entirely an intramural Republican affair. Both are attacked from Arnie’s right: the argument against the $15b bond initiative (the Economic Recovery Bond Act, it’s called; evidently they circumvented the usual rule against biased titles and summaries) is written by Tom McClintock, the one against the balanced budget initiative by Howard Jarvis-type loons who think it has too many loopholes and doesn’t strangle the last bureaucrat with the guts of the last public school teacher. The range of argument in these guides bears less and less resemblance to the range in which the views of most Californians actually fall.

With Iran’s “Guardian Council” refusing to back off from disqualifying most reformers from election, the government is talking about refusing to organize any election, which seems to me the right response.

1971 Doonesbury about John Kerry.

Daily Telegraph: “A white teenager who moved from South Africa to America six years ago was suspended from school after nominating himself for a "Distinguished African-American Student of the Year" prize. Trevor Richards, 16, was accused of "showing disrespect" to black pupils at Westside High School in Omaha, Nebraska. It is thought he is the only pupil to have lived in Africa.”

Israeli rabbinical authorities give permission for bigamy to the husband of a woman who has been declared brain dead.

Remember how in the 1980s we first heard about the Medellin cartel? And then in the 1990s the Cali cartel? Or possibly the other way around. Well, evidently it is now the Northern Valley cartel responsible for 60% of the cocaine and heroin in the US. Why have you never heard of it? Because for years it has been manipulating the US & Colombian governments into attacking its rivals. Some of its leaders are former narco-cops decorated by the DEA for their services in the war on drugs.