Wherein is found an icky picture. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Batshit Crazy Dictator of Turkmenistan Saparmurad Niyazov has died. The B.C.D. has long been a favorite of this blog, and you can click on the label at the bottom of this post to find out why.







I suspect B.C.D. Niyazov would have enjoyed the handover ceremony in Najaf yesterday. This rabbit maybe not so much.



Hey, a record number of dead bodies were found in Baghdad yesterday, so don’t complain to me about the poor bunny rabbit. Also, I used the most tasteful of the pictures of this part of the ceremony, which also featured lip-synching and the biting off of frogs’ heads. And there was this display.



The original caption reads, “Iraqi army soldiers simulate a self defence combat routine”. I thought they were supposed to be standing up so we could stand down.

Bush press conference: you can do better than to have somebody try to rewrite history

Bush gave a press conference this morning, a dull affair called for no obvious reason, a placeholder for the delayed new way forward (TM), any questions about which were deemed “dangerous hypotheticals.” He used the phrase “an Iraq that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself” no fewer than four times (although he left out sustain itself one of those times).

Asked about Sistani’s position, Bush dismissed him: “he lives a secluded life”. Is that so, Bubble Boy?



Switch grass, he mentioned switch grass again! Oh switch grass, how we’ve missed you.

He said over and over, the “Iranian people can do better,” as in, “My message to the Iranian people is you can do better than to have somebody try to rewrite history.”

Asked if this was a time of painful realization, whether he questioned any of his decisions, he said no. This has been another edition of simple answers from simple presidents to simple questions from simple reporters.

Surprise

The Miami Herald has a story about a Haitian teenager who had a 16-pound tumor on her face (ew!), which was just removed in Florida, allowing her to speak for the first time in 6 years. Her first words were “Thank you.” It truly is a Christmas miracle: a teenager who says thank you.

Robert

is in Iraq for what the Pentagon website actually calls a surprise visit....

... so what do you think? Instead of a nickname, I could do different pictures of gates in place of his name. Actually, that sounds like I’d be doing a lot of work to give Gates the illusion of being interesting, which is more than he’s ever done (as Groucho said to Margaret Dumont), so maybe not.

AP says “His trip so soon after taking office underscored the Bush administration’s effort to be seen as energetically seeking a new path in the conflict,” failing to mention that he delayed taking office so he could attend Texas A&M’s commencement ceremonies. It also, rather oddly, informs us that “It is Gates’ first trip to Iraq as defense secretary.”

He went with the alliterative Peter Pace John Abizaid (oops) who seems to have a backpack or a parachute or something.

There was sex and all kinds of issues

Talking Points Memo quotes the Jewish Telegraphic Agency, which quotes the president of Yeshiva University, who was at the menorah-lighting ceremony at the White House yesterday, quoting Bush that “Terrorists can’t be God-believing people.” Also, at the event he talked to everyone who would listen about the need to confront Iran.

Iraq today: guards at a Baghdad bank decided that a funeral procession was fraudulent, part of an attempt to rob the bank, and shot it up. They were wrong.

The WaPo says Maliki would only go along with a “surge” if it was combined with a purge, that is if the American forces attacked Sunnis rather than Shiites in Baghdad. According to Maliki, this would result in reduced activity by Shiite militias, because American troops and the Iraqi army would make them redundant by killing Sunnis for them. The logic is impeccable, you have to admit.

Back to the WaPo interview with Bush I started talking about in the previous post, this time with a complete transcript. The big news, evidently, is his admission that we’re not winning in Iraq, or more specifically, and attributing the formulation to the alliterative Peter Pace, “We’re not winning, we’re not losing.” So he’s 50% correct, which is a 50-point improvement, so well done, George.

He denies that the election was about the American people wanting to leave Iraq: “There’s not a lot of people saying, ‘Get out now.’ Most Americans are saying, ‘We want to achieve the objective.’” Are they saying that? Let’s make a completely fair, totally objective test of that, with a poll of the readers of this blog. Remember, if you’re not American, you can’t vote.

Do you want to achieve the objective?
	Yes
	No
pollcode.com free polls

So what was the election about, in Bush’s view? Well, “people are not satisfied with the progress being made in Iraq,” the fucking ingrates. Also, “look, you’ve got a guy using earmarks to enrich himself; there was sex and all kinds of issues”. He also says that “people are sick and tired of the needless partisanship in Washington.” Which is funny, because in 2000 he said people voted for him (a uniter, not a divider) because they hated partisanship, and now they voted for the opposition party for the same exact reason. Huh.

He said he wants to work with Democrats on Social Security, which he rather worryingly called an entitlement.

Asked whether the idea of invading Iraq was “not so great,” Bush said, “I’ve never really asked that question.” No kidding.

Reset

Bush was interviewed by WaPo reporters today (why just excerpts, WaPo?), and before they could even ask a question, he volunteered “I want to share one thought I had with you, and I’m inclined to believe that we do need to increase our troops”. He means overall, and permanently, not necessarily a “surge” in Iraq, but I think we know where this is headed. He says the military is not “broken,” as Colin Powell said, because the generals haven’t told him that it is; they also say, when asked to evaluate themselves, that their biggest flaw is that they care too much. Sheesh, what does he expect them to say?

Evidently, they don’t say it’s broken but they do say it’s “stressed.”

Shrub says, “we need to reset our military. There’s no question the military has been used a lot.” Reset? What does that mean? Like turning it off and turning it on again?

On Iraq itself, “I’m going to take my time to make sure that the policy, when it comes out, the American people will see that we are -- have got a new way forward to achieve an important objective, which is a country that can govern, sustain and defend itself,” adding, “Not Iraq, you understand, just a country. Possibly Sweden.”

He uses some variation of that phrase about showing/reassuring the American people three times in a short period of time. I’d say this was a sign of insecurity except it’s always been like this. Within a week or two of 9/11/01, they were talking more about reassuring the American people that air travel was safe than about actually making air travel safe.

By the way, have we completely abandoned the color-coded alert system?

I will show the authority of the government

American media have finally caught up to the firing of the governor in Afghanistan’s Helmand province, a week late. The spin they’re accepting is that it was because of increased opium production and not a direct order from the Americans, pissed at local peace deals with the Taliban, which the new governor says will not be repeated: “I will show the authority of the government.” Whose government, he did not say.

Although American government-produced propaganda is by law supposed to be aimed at foreigners and never at Americans, Radio Martí and TV Martí will buy time on stations in Florida.

Tony Blair, in the UAE, says there is a “battle between people of moderation, whether they are Muslim or Jew or any other religion, and people of extremism”. Try to work the phrase “people of enthusiasm” into a conversation today.

Contest: Name That Defense Secretary!

Secretary of Quagmires Robert Gates said at his swearing-in yesterday that losing in Iraq will be “a calamity that would haunt our nation”. It is this blog’s belief and policy that the faceless bureaucrats replacing more, shall we say, colorful Bushites, require nicknames to give them the illusion of personality. Since Gates probably considers “Bob” to be a little jaunty, a little daring, a little racy, if you will, it seems to be up to us. I nominate “Calamity Bob,” but then I thought that calling the press secretary “Tony Insert-Snow-Related-Pun-Here” as a running non-gag would never get old, so surely one of you can do better.

The people’s house

Nothing says awkward quite so much as Hanukkah at the White House (except maybe Kwanzaa at the White House). Bush says that this menorah is “a symbol that the White House is the people’s house, and it belongs to Americans of all faiths,” although he added that he hoped they wouldn’t “Jew it up too much.”







Earlier in the day he stuck the Indian ambassador next to a big ol’ Christmas tree, to show him whose God was boss.



Although, to be fair, you can’t actually go more than five feet in the White House before running into a Christmas tree or a Christmas wreath or some other form of Christmas decoration.

Nobody should have a veto on progress

Bush, at the swearing-in ceremony for Robert Gates says he “will be an outstanding Secretary of the Defense” and that Rumsfeld was “a superb leader at the Department of Defense.” Is outstanding better or worse than superb?


Tony Blair was in Palestine today, pretending that support for only one element of government, President Abbas, is support for democracy, and backed his unconstitutional plan to call new elections. Blair said, “nobody should have a veto on progress”. He meant Hamas, not Israel.


Then he moved on to Israel, where he held his hand over a candle flame, G. Gordon Liddy style, to prove how tough he is.

2006 in pictures

Tony Blair, who has made a surprise Christmas visit to British troops in Basra every year since the war started, made a surprise Christmas visit to British troops in Basra. It was quite a surprise. He signed an armored personnel carrier; he wrote, “Good luck! Tony Blair.”


Let’s move on from Blair looking kinda goofy to my annual selection of the best pictures posted on “Whatever It Is, I’m Against It” this year. I’ve looked through all the photos of 2006 and... shit have I over-indulged in “Bush looking goofy” pics. I know Bush looking goofy is the well that never runs dry, but... damn.





























There isn’t really a lot of overlap between my pics and those in the Republican National Committee 2007 calendar, although for June they have this snap


of Bush with a “snowflake” baby, similar to one I ran, and for October they feature one of my old themes, “Bush leaning on a black woman.”


My promise to you for 2007: wherever there’s a picture of Bush tripping, or being strangled by an old lady, or pinching Angela Merkel’s butt, wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there.

If they want to do that, hook it up

The NYT has an article on how “Newt Gingrich has set his sights not on the presidency, but on the restoration of God to a central place in American government and culture.” And when he says God, he of course means Newt Gingrich. Newton is forming a committee called American Solutions for Winning the Future (or ass-woof for short).

As I write, Newtie is supposed to have a program on God and politics on Fox, but is being preempted by some sort of rescue operation on Mt Hood. Maybe there is a God.

Harry Reid says he’ll “go along with” a “surge” increase in troops in Iraq and “give the military anything they want.” Leadership, ladies and gentlemen, leadership.

From News of the Weird, quoting the Washington Blade, the feds have been going after assets that Enron executives put in the names of their spouses, all except for one guy, who plead guilty to illegally obtaining $16.5m but put assets in the name of his same-sex partner.

Guantanamo hunger-strike update: 3 hunger strikers still being force-fed. Guard commander Col. Wade Dennis says of them, “If they want to do that, hook it up.”

Today’s must-read: the NYT on the Iraqi legal system, which is not legal or a system or wholly Iraqi, and it’s worse than you think.

Of magic bullets, bush blessings, the appropriate response to a hand grenade, karaoke and coups

Unfortunate metaphor of the week, from the director of HIV/AIDS for the World Health Organization, Dr. Kevin De Cock (whose name is also unfortunate; I mean, really... “Kevin”), who says that circumcision can reduce the risk of HIV infection but is “not a magic bullet”.

Unfortunate headline of the week, regarding Mary Cheney’s pregnancy: “Lesbian Mother Gets Bush Blessing” (The Sunday Telegraph, which also translated Chimpy’s original quote, “Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mom” for the benefit of its down-market English readers: “Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mum”. The story ends with this fine sentence: “The manner of Miss Cheney’s impregnation and the father’s identity have not been revealed.”).

The US Army has produced a new manual on counter-insurgency (those who can’t do, write manuals), which I haven’t seen yet but which seems to be an etiquette guide, preparing military personnel “to be greeted with a hand grenade or a handshake, and to respond appropriately to each”. Something about not using the left hand, I’m guessing.

The British Education Ministry reports that millions of British adults cannot read well enough to keep up with karaoke machines. They seem to think this is a bad thing. “New York, New York” evidently requires the reading skills of an 11-year old (plus 11 glasses of warm beer).

Palestinian President Abbas has announced that there will be new elections. In case you’re wondering, no, he does not have the power to do this. Hamas is now in the position of either boycotting illegitimate elections, or standing in them and accepting the illegitimate results. Or going to option 3, civil war. I’m not sure why Abbas thinks he’ll win either the elections (yes I am: he plans to rig them) or a civil war, even with all the American arms that have been arriving for his “presidential guard.”

The WaPo Style Invitational is especially good this week, bad ideas for toys.

A teapot museum here, a teapot museum there, and pretty soon it adds up to real money

In his weekly radio address, Bush claimed that the economy was in great shape. For example, retail sales were up in November! Just like every November since the invention of Christmas! Also, “another bit of holiday cheer”: real hourly wages rose by an entire, whopping 2.3% this year. “That may not sound like a lot,” he said, and then tried unsuccessfully to make it sound like a lot.

Then he talked about earmarks. He’s against them. The typical earmark, in his presentation, is “a swimming pool or a teapot museum.” Yes, it was the $400,000 for the Sparta Teapot Museum (“Steeped in Surprises”) that broke the budget, just when Bush was preparing to ask for another $100 billion supplemental appropriation for the war (or 250,000 teapot museums). Now let’s see, what would be a good visual metaphor for what that $100 billion will be spent on...

Rummy goes bye bye

It’s been confirmed by the medical examiner that Florida botched an execution this week, essentially having to execute the guy twice. The first time, the needle was stuck not into the vein, but all the way through it, so that the chemicals went into his flesh, burning it. Jeb Bush suspends executions until March. Elsewhere, a federal district judge continues a suspension of executions in California, saying that its lethal injection regimen is so painful that it amounts to cruel and unusual punishment. In the last 3 executions here, the prisoner may have been conscious (but paralyzed) when the hot shot went in.

On his way out as secretary of war, Donald Rumsfeld went on Fox, took some pot shots at the UN, Kofi Annan, at Old Europe, which he decried for spending less than 2% of their GDP on the military, which he blamed on their aging populations and the fact that “They have large numbers of Muslims in their population”. He said for I believe the third time this week that Bush is the “victim of his success,” because 9/11 “caused our country to recognize there was a problem, a threat; that we were vulnerable, that we as free people, by our very way of life, put ourselves at risk, and our openness. And the farther we get away from September 11th, the less concern there is about that threat.” I’m suddenly reminded of Bob Dole in 1996, repeatedly asking “Where’s the outrage?” Bushies keep asking where’s the mindless fear they used to such advantage. Asked his greatest regret, he said, “Oh, goodness. I guess that one would have hoped that the -- Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts would have been concluded more rapidly.” He “guesses” that one would have hoped that. Guesses. And on Abu Ghraib, he again blamed the “midnight shift,” who ignored his clear instructions to treat prisoners humanely, “And it just was -- you know, look at what happens in the United States in any given day and any given night in any given city -- some very bad things happen.” Naked human pyramids? Only if the given city is San Francisco. “Human beings are not perfect. ... And that’s not what our country does.” Really? Because I’ve seen the pictures.

And then it was party time! Or at least a “full honor review,” whatever one of those might be. Bush said of Rummy, “We’ve been through war together.” Sure you have. Said, “He took ballistic missile defense from theory to reality.” Did you know we can shoot ICBMs down now? When did that happen? And Bush gave him his highest accolade: “It was easy to understand him.” There we agree. It was easy to understand Rumsfeld. He was a douchebag.

They will do it anyway

Condi Rice tells the WaPo that there is no need to talk to Iran and Syria about helping stabilize Iraq: “If they have an interest in a stable Iraq, they will do it anyway.” Two things wrong with that which you wouldn’t think would need to be explained to the nation’s top diplomat: 1) they aren’t doing it anyway, 2) the purpose of diplomacy is not, generally speaking, to persuade nations to do what they already want to do anyway.

Bush debates imaginary people (still loses)

The Israelis held up Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyev (Hamas) for several hours at the Egypt-Palestine border, ostensibly because he was carrying $35 million (they’d closed the entire border in order to prevent the money coming into Gaza, which they are trying to strangle to death), but possibly, or at least foreseeably, also because the delay would give Fatah gunmen time to arrange an assassination attempt. Which they did, though they succeeded only in killing his bodyguard.

And the Israeli Supreme Court unanimously ruled that assassination is legal.

Yesterday I quoted Bush saying, “I’ve heard some ideas that would lead to defeat, and I reject those ideas -- ideas such as leaving before the job is done; ideas such as not helping this government take the necessary and hard steps to be able to do its job.” Linguist Geoffrey Pullum comments that it’s rather unlikely anyone ever told Bush, “Mr President, I think leaving before the job is done would be the best course,” so that what Bush is doing, putting “claims in imaginary people’s mouths before rebutting them... is not just a figure of speech. It’s lying.”

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo “Honest” Abe admits that he rigged “town hall” meetings. He will forfeit his pay for three months.