A disappointing headline

The story "Heroin found hidden in elephant" turned out to be about a wooden elephant.

I've watched way too much of the BBC coverage of the British elections this week. I know this because right now I can't get Labour's crappy pop song theme music "Things can only get better" out of my head. It's only marginally less annoying than Clinton's "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow."

Last night I woke up from a dream that inspired a great joke I was going to pass on to you all today when I finally got up. As I recall it went like this: "Gpiyrb sadter3t dafsgertgre dzxm ewrerdf sd3hjgv." Ha ha!

An article in today's NY Times says an unnoticed provision of the Welfare Act allows AFDC money to go to, get this, for-profit orphanages. There is one chain of these started by the founder of Jiffy Lube. Any takers on coming up with a suitable joke based on that fact?

"Bob Dole is lending Newt Gingrich the $300,000 to pay off his ethics fine. You know, most Republicans talk about taking money from the sick and old -- but only Newt actually does something about it."
-Bill Maher on "Politically Incorrect"

Happy 60th Saddam. What the wacky dictator really wants, though, is a clone. Evidently he got really excited by the sheep thing.

Does anyone know anything about Pat Robertson's finances? There was a story that a few years ago his tax-exempt organization sent planes to Zaire allegedly for humanitarian aid but actually to work in his diamond mines there. Diamond mines?

Japan finally sent compensation for the Indonesian "comfort women," but the Indonesian government decided to keep it instead of handing it out. They say they'll use it for old folks' homes and the like.

A Chinese amusement park called Flying Dragon World Park, tried to set the world record for locking people in a room with thousands of poisonous snakes. 100 days. The Guiness World Book of Records says it no longer keeps those sorts of records (marathons). Boy, if you were to imagine what a Chinese amusement park would be like, that's about what you'd come up with, right? Now what would North Korea's be like?

Montana passes a law to allow chemical castration of rapists and incestists (or whatever the noun is). Yeah, there just aren't enough pissed-off guys in Montana, are there?

Speaking of which, there was a segment on the Daily Show today about a group called NORM (Norm!) which stands for something something Regaining Manhood. These are people who don't like the fact that they were circumcised, and are determined to recreate their foreskin. It involves a lot of pulling and stuff I don't think any of us wish to know about. Sorry I brought it...up.

Stupid virtual pet tricks

Silliest Web idea of the week: a site in which a virtual monkey typing on a virtual keyboard to try to reproduce Hamlet's solloloquy.

Evidence of the existence of God: the vacation home of the president of RJ Reynolds was burned down due to a discarded cigarette.

Two items from the with-Democrats-like-Clinton-who-needs-a-Republican-Party-anyway file:

1) Some Cuban jazz musician who's evidently famous is turned down for citizenship under the existing Cold War rules of the INS because he joined the Communist party in order to effectuate his defection.

2) Social Security Admin ordered its administrative judges to ignore all Federal court precedents (below the level of the Supreme Court) and enforce only agency policies.

A judge in San Diego reduced a murder conviction to manslaughter, saying that the deceased, a neighborhood bully, was a "jerk" who got what was coming to him. Boy, that judge! What a jerk, huh?

A man in Merced tried to rob two banks by pointing his finger at the teller, you know, in the shape of a gun.

Also: a British Royal Marine survives his court martial. He was on a stakeout of a car-smuggling operation in Hong Kong, and shot at a rat.

Russia's press is now experiencing Western style freedoms, where censorship is by corporations linked to the state, rather than by the state. Izvestia, which accused PM Chernomyrdin of making billions off his connection with the gas industry, which he used to run, found itself bought up by an oil company, which plans to make a few changes...

Irony

Responding to the German court decision that Iranian officials ordered assassinations of Kurdish leaders in Berlin, demonstrators in Teheran have been chanting, "Death to Zionist Germany".

Gladstone & Disraeli revisited

Ok, background: you will remember the man in the chicken suit who followed Bush around when he was stalling on debates. The Tories have stolen the idea. As it turns out, the guy hired for the job isn't even a Tory himself. Read this one to the end, it just keeps getting weirder.

UK News Electronic Telegraph Friday 4 April 1997

Cries of foul over headless chicken
By Robert Shrimsley, Jon Hibbs and Rachel Sylvester

THE Tory chicken had the stuffing knocked out of it yesterday when a teenage girl tore off its head in Scotland.

Tories said the young woman who decapitated their creature was a "Labour thug" who "set upon our brave chicken to stop him asking difficult questions".

The chicken was waiting in Port Street, Stirling, to tackle Tony Blair on devolution and his refusal to join a television debate with John Major. A Tory activist said Labour supporters surrounded the bird, shouting abuse at it. Suddenly, the girl burst out of the crowd, grabbed its head and ran off down the street to loud cheers.

Fortunately for Noel Flanagan, the man in the chicken suit, the head was recovered in one piece by Scottish police. In the words of one Tory press spokesman: "The chicken goes on."

Police refused to comment on the incident but it is understood that the offender was released with only a telling off. Labour denied that any of its workers was responsible for the incident.

A spokesman for Mr Blair said the chicken had been invited to dinner but had flown back to London.

Mr Flanagan, hired to highlight Tory claims that Mr Blair was running away from a television debate, had flown to Stirling. He shared the shuttle with George Robertson, the shadow Scottish secretary.

The chicken was to follow the Labour leader, who was campaigning in the marginal Tory seat held by Michael Forsyth, the Scottish Secretary. However, his efforts to henpeck Mr Blair were hampered by a man from the Scottish Daily Mirror dressed as Freddy the Fox, who blocked his path during a 15-minute walkabout.

As Mr Blair approached, the chicken was seen to stumble and was pushed to the back of the crowd surrounding the Labour leader, where it waved a placard before skulking off. A jubilant Freddy observed: "I had him for dinner. I stopped him getting anywhere near Tony. Tony shook my hand and thanked me for it."

However, Mr Blair's guardian refused to identify himself, saying: "The whole thing is embarrassing enough as it is." The incident came at the end of a traumatic day for the Tory chicken. Earlier, he got into a nasty fight with a rival chicken with a detachable head, sent by the Mirror newspaper, as he strutted across College Green in Westminster.

He was also pursued across London by another fox, two teddy bears and a plastic rhinoceros.

The scuffle with the Mirror chicken, carrying its head under its wing, came as he returned to Conservative Central Office. The two birds war-danced around Smith Square "pecking at each other very aggressively", according to one witness. As the confrontation turned nasty one of the Tory media minders crossed the road to separate the two.

Alex Aiken, the Conservative head of regional press, wrestled the Mirror's chicken to the ground and told his own bird to return to the Central Office coop.

But the Mirror chicken was furious. "He threw me against a wall and took my head off," he said. The Tory minder had "mad eyes" and was "quite burly", he added.

The bespectacled Mr Aiken, who is actually far from burly, denied excessive violence, saying: "It was a Labour stooge chicken."

John Major defended the stunt, saying: "We are just attempting to egg Mr Blair into a debate."

After the fracas, Mr Flanagan flew straight to Scotland, disappointing two men in teddy bear suits who said they were the Teddy Bears' Alliance. They camped outside the Labour launch to challenge the Tory chicken to a debate.

The chicken also missed the man in a huge grey plastic rhino outfit who greeted Mr Blair outside a west London shopping centre.

Rhino man refused to give his identity but said he wanted to protest at the way "the level of debate in the political campaign seems to have become ludicrously cheap with a lot of people dressing up as animals".

An article in Slate suggests that Clinton's re-election strategy of spending huge amounts of money, garnered from anywhere, for large media buys, was advocated by Dick Morris partly because he was getting a percentage of the money so spent.

Twofer

The Tory holding the safest Tory seat in Scotland resigns his seat after a Tory twofer, committing adultery with a woman he met in rehab. Last year he lost his government job when he threatened a road protester with a pickaxe. How we'll miss the Tories.

Especially since Tony Blair's favorite, excuse me, favourite, Dr. Who is Jon Pertwee. I mean really.

A man showed up for his trial in Wichita for robbing a shoe store wearing a pair of size 10 1/2 boots that....

Liggett gets released from billions of dollars of liability for tobacco health problems by issuing a statement that says that smoking is addiction, causes cancer, and that advertising targets children. This is known as the "Duh" Statement.

In the last week, a deputy solicitor general argued before the Supreme Court in the internet indecency law case that it would even be ok to illegalize indecent speech in front of a minor, meaning speech speech, as in normal conversation, including presumably in one's own home, given that he acknowledged that the internet act could be applied against parents.

Similarly, a Justice Dept lawyer defending the line-item veto in Fed District Court accepts the judge's hypothetical proposition that Congress could delegate to the president the power to raise however much tax was necessary by whatever means he wanted. The Senate legal counsel agreed.

The newest bill against "partial-birth" abortions includes a provision allowing the father of the fetus to sue a woman who has the procedure, but only if he is married to her. Thank god this is all about protecting feti and not about controlling women.

The rest is from another New York magazine competition, from the 3/17/97 issue. Famous Last Words:

"If it stops your heart, you must depart." Johnnie Cochran

"I wonder if Roy remembered to feed..." Siegfried

"I'm going out for some couscous." Salman Rushdie

"See you in the movies." David Caruso

"I think I'll try green eggs and ham..." Dr. Seuss

"Bye." Gary Cooper

"Hom'm I doin' on time?" David Letterman

"Wrong!" John McLaughlin

"What time did you say? Fourteen after the hour?" Andy Warhol

"I am not too big--it's the coffins that got small." Norma Desmond

"...and never, never sell the movie rights." Nathanial Hawthorne

"I don't get no last respects." Rodney Dangerfield

"I thought you said at the count of five." Alexander Hamilton

"I'm tired of London." Samuel Johnson

"My fellow Corinthians, what you do not understand you will find in *St. Paul for Dummies*. St Paul

"Eeeeeeeeek!" Stephen King

"Rubber ducky, you're the one
You make bathtimes lots of fun..." Jean-Paul Marat

"Uhh...conspiracy...uhh...." Oliver Stone

[NOTE: More New York Magazine competitions here.]

I just saw Leaving Las Vegas on cable. I couldn't help notice that as Nicholas Cage drank himself to death, he kept running across gorgeous women. Every bank teller, every woman sitting in a bar, every stripper. Every hooker was pretty and fresh-faced, without excessive makeup, and heavily aerobicized. Now, is this the world-view of an alcoholic (as in, there are no ugly women when the bars close) or is it the world-view of Hollywood producers?

The British general election began today. The betting odds are 1-4 in favor of Labour, so you'd have to plunk down a fair amount of money, but it does seem a good way to enhance one's retirement account. Gallup shows Blair ahead by 28 points, and even the Sun is endorsing him, which led to the spectacle of him being asked on national tv for his views on naked women in newspapers. He has no views on naked women. Major will make an ass of himself standing on a soapbox as he did in 1992. One commentator says that if he wins, the soapbox will be broken up and sold as holy relics for centuries to come. However the odds are still longer on Screaming Lord Sutch becoming the next PM, 15 million-1, slightly longer odds than for a UFO piloted by Elvis landing on the Loch Ness Monster.

An item I passed on a couple of days ago reminded me of how good New York Magazine competitions can be, so I went to the library today. Evidently someone has systematically torn out all the crosswords, which are often on the other side of the comp, but here's one of the few which survived the vandalism that was also good. From the 10/7/96 issue, opening lines of human-to-Martian colloquy:

Hi! We met in Roswell.

Gimme three.

Pleasure, Mr. Perot.

You may already be a winner.

Abduct my wife, please.

You talkin' to me?

Hot enough for you?

Ray guns don't kill earthlings, Martians kill earthlings.

Welcome to planet Earth. Use as directed.

You left your lights on.

Uh, that a rental?

Okay, so your people will talk to my people about 25% at the back end for an exclusive option to your life-story rights regarding book, television, cable, and motion pictures, plus 10% of all ancillary worldwide product sales for the first five years...

[NOTE: More New York Magazine competitions here.]

Although it is illegal for US companies to comply with Arab boycott of Israel & Jews, the Air Force, with Justice Dept approval, *ordered* private contractors to exclude Jews & people with Jewish names from a project in Saudi Arabia. The poor company involved is fined by Commerce Dept.

Henry Hyde just escaped attention (judging by the brevity of the Washington Post/Reuters coverage) for his involvement with a Savings Bank (evidently not quite an S & L--whatever) that went bankrupt at a cost to the US of $67 million. The settlement recovered $850,000, with the government actually proud of having recouped the cost of litigation only. Hyde somehow swung a separate agreement under which he didn't have to pay any costs for the legal failures of the directors, of which he was one.

Gingrich says election financing by the Democrats is bigger than Watergate. Bill Maher asks, but who will break the news to G. Gordon Liddy?

3 million Americans have the right to classify documents. I don't know about you, but I feel left out.

The NY Times on the Senate debate on the balanced budget amendment: "The closing debate was arranged in an unusual way, not with speakers alternating in support and opposition, but with sizable chunks of time given first to one side and then the other. That freed senators from having to listen to the other side."

Common Phrases Redefined

A few entries from the New York magazine competition where they asked competitors to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it.

Harlez-vous francais?
(Can you drive a French motorcycle?)

Ex post fucto
(Lost in the mail)

Idios amigos
(We're wild and crazy guys!)

Veni, VIPi, Vici
(I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered)

J'y suis, J'y pestes
(I can stay for the weekend)

Cogito Eggo sum
(I think; therefore, I am a waffle)

Rigor Morris
(The cat is dead)

Respondez s'il vous plaid
(Honk if you're Scots)

Que sera, serf
(Life is feudal)

Le roi est mort. Jive le roi
(The King is dead. No kidding.)

Posh mortem
(Death styles of the rich and famous)

Pro Bozo publico
(Support your local clown)

Monage a trois
(I am three years old)

Felix navidad
(Our cat has a boat)

Haste cuisine
(Fast French food)

Veni, vidi, vice
(I came, I saw, I partied)

Quip pro quo
(A fast retort)

Aloha oy!
(Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know)

Mazel ton!
(Lots of luck)

Apres Moe, le deluge
(Larry and Curly get wet)

Porte-Kochere
(Sacramental wine)

Iic liebe rich
(I'm really crazy about having dough)

Fui generis
(What's mine is mine)

VISA la France
(Don't leave chateau without it)

Ca va sans dirt
(And that's not gossip)

Merci rien
(Thanks for nothin')

Amicus puriae
(Platonic friend)

L'etat, c'est moo
(I'm bossy around here)

L'etat, c'est Moe
(All the world's a stooge)

[NOTE: More New York Magazine competitions here.]

Just saw an ITN story about a 3-legged cat in Ireland ordained a minister over the Internet by the Universal Life Church. I see they haven't raised their standards since they made me a minister.

There are plans for a restaurant with an Elvis theme, and yes the menu will include fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, but you have to bring your own pills.

1st sign that CIA agent Harold Nicholson was selling secrets to the Russia: that photo of him taken 10 years ago wearing a t-shirt saying "KGB Is For Me".

An article in the New York Times about warning labels on products shows a Batman toy with the warning: "For Play Only: Mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable user to fly." Duh! everyone knows that's the Superman cape.

The creepiest man in America is now officially NY mayor Guiliani, last seen in Marilyn Monroe get-up singing Happy Birthday. He replaces the Unabomber, who replaced...David Letterman, wasn't it?

As of the new IRS rules, if you have medical marijuana, you cannot deduct it from your income tax as with other drugs.

In last fall's Georgia debate for US Senate, the Republican said of the Democrat, Max Cleland, the Vietnam vet & triple amputee who won the election, "Your walk says so much more than your talk." Oops.