animal stories

Gore's foreign policy is to be something called "strategic humility".

2nd best London Times headline today: Farmer Keeper Water Buffalo Dry.

The best: Navy to rescue falling penguins

The 5th Circuit rules that a lawyer can give effective counsel while sleeping through a trial, as long as he doesn't sleep through the important bits. It should be noted that in this case, which was a capital case in Texas, the record doesn't show exactly when the lawyer was asleep (do you think any trial transcript records "Zzzzzzzzz"?), but what the hey.

A federal court has overturned Alabama's ban on sex toys.

Clinton thinks the Republicans should apologize to the nation for the impeachment.

Today the Queen was handed a marijuana posy, worth about $75, street-value, as they say.

While no one was paying attention yesterday, Congress passed an Official Secrets Act, under another name. It is now illegal to publish pretty much anything that would embarrass the government.

You can now buy some of Hitler's hair. On the web, of course. $1,000 each. Evidently Hitler was actually afraid of this happening and ordered his hair be burnt, but his barber moistened his shoe to pick up the hair.

Salon says that 2 1/2 years ago, a letter was sent to Gov. Bush's office confessing to a crime for which two other men are serving life. The letter was ignored.

A Palestinian mob lynched 3 Israeli soldiers. Israel, which gets acrophobia if it inhabits the moral high-ground for more than 5 minutes, responded with a rocket attack. Not quite as impressive as last week, when they sent a rocket into an apartment building (did you see the footage?). And they wonder why no one perceives them as the victims in this (no one who isn't running for political office in the US, I mean).

Daily Telegraph headline: "I'm Sitting on Volcano, Kostunica Complains". Well, you shouldn't have ordered the chile.

I know, I know.

In the supermarket today I saw a bottle of Vampire Cabernet Sauvignon. A product of Transylvania, of course. $6.

I believe I said that Bush was going to beat Gore in the debates and today at least he did. Or really, Gore beat Gore in the debate. I'd almost rather have had him continue with the sighing and eye-rolling, which at least would have suggested that he didn't respond to every opinion poll about his personal style. Bush looked relaxed and confident, suggesting that he's so stupid he doesn't know how stupid he is, otherwise he'd be terrified. Ok to be fair he does seem to have memorized some more stuff about foreign countries than he had last time, although I can't wait to see what the British papers have to say about the assertion that European nations should start helping us out with some troops in Yugoslavia.

Got my sample ballot today. The Green candidate for Senate is named Medea. In fact, Medea Susan Benjamin. I just don't know how you say, "Hey why don't we name her Medea." And then when it comes time to pick the middle name, go with Susan.

I'm trying to decide on all this before I go into the hospital, because I really don't see myself spending a lot of time focused on the candidates for sanitation district afterwards. And BART district. And park district. And high school district. And community college district. I've already picked the candidate for high school district, based solely on the fact that she went out of her way not to split an infinitive in her statement.

I got a mailing from the Republican candidate for Congress here. And here's the clever part: where it said the name of the incumbent Congresscritter, Ellen Tauscher, her name was crossed out and written in was Taxer. Isn't that clever? Doesn't it make you just want to slap the guy?

New Statesman competition

Sayings for our times:

The truly wise leader speaks little, but his spin doctor has to be very eloquent.

It is a poor leaker who doesn't cover his tracks.

He who surfs the net surfs alone.

Polls may go up and polls may go down, but the pollster goes on for ever.

He does not stir who watches moving images.

No skill is important to the man who lacks it; the more so when a woman learns to do it.

The man who buttonholes a guest at a party will have an unpublished novel in a drawer and a great need to talk about it.

Darn a hole in one sock and the other will go missing in the wash.

Why move to the right? The left is already there.

The honest man works, the clever man manages, the wise man goes sick. [clearly written by someone who's never met a manager]

Death is infinite upload.

The search on the internet is the illusion of movement.

The barcode will work on the third swipe.

The Pentium is mightier than the sword.

The child who leaves the Barbie in the box will make a fortune when 50.

You can take an ego trip without seeing a travel agent.

Lech Walesa got a whopping 0.9% of the Polish presidential vote. Maybe Gorbachev'll buy him a beer or something.

As I write, I am listening to the tape of William Hague at this year's Tory party conference. He recently boasted that when he was a teenager, I think it was, he drank 14 pints of beer every day. So a year from now, when he too has been consigned to the dust heap of history, Gorbachev, Walesa and Milosevic are all going to have to chip in. But he evidently did not try any illegal drugs. At the conference, the Shadow Home Secretary Anne Widdecombe proposed a fine and criminal record for everyone found with any drugs at all. She later said that she didn't mean to go after educated people smoking dope at university, but the scum on the housing estates. Since then, a reporter has been asking all her fellow members of the Shadow Cabinet whether they indulged at Uni. So far 8 have, and here's where it gets interesting.
Tim Yeo, Shadow Ag Minister, says that he liked it. Never before in history has a politician admitted to actually liking marijuana. Presumably it's ok so long as it's grown by British farmers.

Speaking of which, did Bush the Younger and Stupider really say during the debate that the US should reduce its dependence on foreign oil by encouraging drilling in... Mexico?

Another day, another debate. CNN’s Bernard Shaw, by no means to be mistaken for George Bernard Shaw, asked both candidates to imagine that they were black and the victims of racial profiling by police. Cheney absolutely refused to imagine himself as black, because it's against the rules of his country club. No seriously, at least it's an honest answer. The next question was about homosexuals, but Shaw didn't ask them to imagine themselves gay, which is really too bad. I'd have paid money to hear them try to answer that one. Cheney actually came out not opposed to gay marriage.

So you're Reggie Kray, in your day the most feared criminal leader in East London. And when you die the New York Times obit helpfully points out just which Monty Python sketch was based on you.

The budget bill for the Department of Agriculture strips of his authority the current (but not the next) undersecretary for natural resources and environment. Evidently one Rep Marion Berry (D-Ark) dislikes him personally and for negotiating with the enemy--those commies at the EPA.

Remember, just because Milosevic is out, assuming he really is, does not make the Serb people any less the steaming pile of yak turds that they have proved themselves to be over the last decade. Montenegro, Kosovo and Vojvodina must be broken out of Yugoslavia. Serbia cannot be small enough for my taste.

Britain's version of the welfare-to-work program is training one woman to be a Britney Spears impersonator. It would have been a more interesting story if it was a guy.

If Gore is practicing "fuzzy Washington math," what would Texas math be? In Bush's case, presumably how much to tip your hooker after you've snorted cocaine off her ass. And yes, that was the best I came up with. Can any of you do better?

One comment that rather describes Dubya, except for the first two adjectives: "He was competent, fluent, pleasant and funny, satisfying every doubt except the most troublesome: what is he for?" Actually written about William Hague at this week's Tory party congress. And Hague is nowhere near as purposeless as Dubya.

With all the preparation he must have put into the debate, he was still an idiot. He knew less about his own plans than Gore did, and it showed, he obviously didn't know that RU-486 has been available in other countries for years, unless that comment about making sure it was safe for American women implied that American uteruses (uteri?) are different than French and British uteruses, like Japanese snow. And he didn't know Russia's position on Yugoslavia. Wouldn't it behoove someone who wants to be president to read a newspaper every so often?

And so repetitive. Both of them seemed to think we needed to hear everything five times before it would sink in. Bush did the fuzzy math thing about four times, according to my fuzzy math, and the crack about how many IRS agents it would take to figure out Gore's tax plan twice. At least he kept the "Mediscare" crack down to one usage, but really.

And all that makeup, on both of them. When Jim Lehrer is the most life-like person in the room, you know you're in trouble.

Debates, elections, whatnot

More from the master of the English language, George W (the W stands for dyslexic) Bush: "I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy." and "I view this [the debate] as a chance for people to get an impression of me on a stage debating my opponent."

Governor Gray Davis vetoes a bill allowing prisoners to be interviewed.

Good piece in Salon on the Texas death penalty and Bush's attempts to avoid being blamed for it.

Evidently one of the reasons that some of the Calif. voter pamphlet arguments is so terrible is that, if a prop. is put on the ballot by the Legislature, as in the very weak campaign finance initiative Prop 34, the Legislature itself gets to decide who writes the arguments against it. That's why the arguments against 34 are solely on the basis that there should be no lmiits whatsoever to campaign contributions, a position we know Californians don't accept since they've voted against it roughly once every two years since 1988, without it ever taking hold, rather than, say, someone arguing that 34 is laughable because it doesn't go far enough.

A letter in the NY Times responds to the criticisms of debates as
favoring style over substance. He notes that the classic example of this is that people saw Nixon sweating and beady-eyed in 1960 and thought that he looked sneaky. And they were right.

Headline of the week, from the Daily Telegraph: "Milosevic Denounces Rivals as Warmongers".

The important issues have been decided about tomorrow's debate. Bush does not get to have a shorter podium than Gore (Bush is shorter, which means he will lose the election), Gore does not get a lapel mike, and the room will be 65F. Let the games begin.

Ronald Edward Gay, tired of being called gay, shoots up a gay bar. He will now go to prison, and his name will legally be changed to Ronald Edward Bitch.

This year Britain raised old age pensions by the stunningly generous sum of 75p/week, which some took to be the equivalent of leaving a 10 cent tip, more insulting than not raising it all. Some of them in protest sent the Treasury checks for 75p. The Treasury cashed them.

Jorg Haider loses a court case in which he argued that it was perfectly respectable to refer to concentration camps as "punishment centers."

Denmark's voters decide not to join the single currency. No doubt the government will make them keep voting on it until they give the right answer, like it did for the Maastricht Treaty. I can't think why they didn't want to join the Europe of Haider and Chirac, whose RPR this week asked him to do the generous thing and declare an amnesty for illegal party financing. The RPR said that they should just say that all the parties did it until the early 1990s and would promise never to do it again. It is not known how Chirac will react, but he was the owner of the largest slush fund of all. And Helmut Kohl took his seat in Parliament again this week (no doubt a double-sized seat), showing up for the first time since his own disgrace. No, I can't think why
Denmark wouldn't want to get into bed with these clowns.

Speaking of clowns, has anyone seen Tony Blair's hair recently? It seems to be going, as Gerald Ford once said of Ronald Reagan's hair, prematurely orange.

California ballot

OK, I'm willing to read arguments that disagree over the effects a ballot initiative will have, but I am not willing to read arguments in the official ballot that lie about the actual details of the initiatives. I complained about that last time, and it's at least as bad now. Most egregiously, the argument against Prop 36, which would decriminalize drug use, says that this would apply to date-rape drugs. It clearly would not (I checked the actual bill). More amusingly, the statements for 32, veterans' home bonds, squabble over whether George W. Bush would qualify with his Air National Guard service.

I also want my own measure next time: for every ballot initiative, you get to vote yes, no, or who gives a damn. If who gives a damn wins (and I refer you to Prop 35, on Public Works Projects. Use of Private Contractors for Engineering and Architectural Services), then every member of the California Legislature gets their salary docked $20,000 for making us do their job for them.

So, the initiatives:

32, vets' bonds. No, as for all bonds (although these are paid back by the veterans themselves, so the principle is less vital here).

33 would allow members of the Legislature to participate in the
retirement system for state employees. Yes, of course. Incidentally, I invite you to read the text of the actual initiative, which actually corrects the grammar of the original law.

34 is the weakest, most pathetic campaign spending limits initiative I have ever seen, ostensibly in order to make it through the courts, but I assume mostly to gut the previous initiatives. And this one won't, or shouldn't, make it through the courts either, since it makes access to the ballot pamphlet conditional on keeping to voluntary spending limits. If you want to see the most cynical arguments ever against campaign finance reform, read the arguments on this one. "No money, no
information" indeed.

35, the afore-mentioned public works projects privatization measure. I have no idea about the merits of this, but I think it's a safe assumption that if someone spent enough money to get this thing on the ballot, it's automatically a bad idea.

36, drug treatment and probation instead of jail for possession of drugs for personal, repeat personal, use. Do you have to ask?

37 redefines certain fees as taxes, requiring a 2/3 vote of Legislature or local voters. Evidently if we don't for this, we'll pay fees on our movie tickets to pay for parks and recreation programs. It must be true, it says so right here in the voter pamphlet. This is the most blatantly pro-big business document I've seen since the Republican platform. No.

38 school vouchers. No no no. And no.

39 would reduce from 2/3 to 55% the vote required to raise property taxes to pay for school bonds, and to authorize the bonds themselves. This is sort of a tough one. Bonds are undemocratic, so are super-majorities, but 55% is just silly and a bit sneaky. It feels like a classic Clinton compromise, like Don't Ask, Don't Tell: it reduces iniquities on paper while retaining something that's bad in principle. The one thing I like about this one is that those votes would have to be during regular elections. I'm tired of those special elections that
cost a lot of money and at which only parents vote.

And that's it. Isn't it nice not to be voting on a new death penalty provision?

Saddam Hussein was presented with a Koran written in his own blood. Hey, that's what the Daily Telegraph said, and who are we to doubt it.

Some of the Dolly the Sheep scientists believe that it is possible for a baby to be created from the DNA of two (gay) men. These scientists must be hunted down and beaten to death before Siegfried and Roy find out about this.

In Britain a lapdancing club has requested planning permission to allow blind people to enjoy the dancing through Braille.

In a stunning, completely unexpected verdict, the Belgrade war crimes court sentences Clinton, Blair, Chirac, Schroder and a few others to 20 years in prison.

Speaking of stunning, remember those planes Iraq sent to Iran early in the Gulf War in order to safeguard them? Well the Iraqis are shocked to find that the Iranians are using them.

The New York Times and Washington Post rather surprisingly are ignoring the current Yugoslav war crimes trial, you know, the one where Clinton, Blair, Chirac etc etc are being tried in absentia.

OK, Lynne Cheney accused Gore of being at some fundraiser where there were comedians or something who she considered to be "X rated." Has anyone seen an example of this x-ratedness?

A bomb goes off in a street market in Islamabad. Pakistani dictator Musharraf condemns this "dastardly act of terrorism." That's what I like about the Indian sub-continent: it's the only place where people still say "dastardly."

Only 15 senators voted against normalizing trade relations with China and never bothering them about human rights again, just as China and the Vatican are about to go to war. China just re-arrested a bishop, and the pope has announced that 120 Chinese "martyrs" are to be canonized on October 1, the anniversary of the declaration of the People's Republic.

Denmark's tax courts have allowed a prostitute to deduct the cost of breast implants as investment to "improve facilities."

Bush the Younger went on Oprah today and admitted that he wasn't too bright but that he won't talk down to people like certain other smarty-pants types he could name. "You can't inspire and unite by thinking that you're smarter than anyone else."

A letter in yesterday's NY Times suggested that Bush's problem is not dyslexia, but that he has heard a lot of words but not read them, because he doesn't read. And thus come Bushisms like this one, from Slate:

"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness."-- The Edge with Paula Zahn, Sept. 18, 2000

THE TIMES: WORLD NEWS: UNITED STATES : Gore drawn into political dogfight:

The Bush campaign issued the following statement today: "Following a troubling pattern of embellishing and exaggerating his plans and personal experiences, Al Gore misled Florida seniors on prescription drugs and how it impacts his mother-in-law and his dog."

Some drunken guy decided to get into a race in Moscow with Putin's motorcade, which traditionally zips along at 90. Astonishingly, he kept up with them in his Lada, until they shot out his tires.

So that's what happened to Yeltsin.

If I have this straight, so to speak, Men's Health magazine just ranked universities according to being pro- or anti-male, and I think Santa Cruz topped the list as Male Hatred USA. I have no further comments at this time.

Did Australia really greet each Olympics athlete with a welcome package including 51 condoms? And a medal at the end of the 17 days to those who managed to use all of them. Wouldn't that piss off some countries?

I might actually pay some attention to the Olympics if it weren't for all the athletes thrown out for taking drugs. I say let them in and may the best pharmaceutical industry win. I want to see what the human body can do when enhanced. I want to see someone break the 30-second mile and then burst into flames.

Spot the subliminable (as Shrub puts it) message

The Netherlands legalizes gay marriage on absolutely equal terms, RATS including equal terms for adoption, and divorce.

The EU ends its diplomatic sanctions on Austria, RATS which has evidently suffered enough in the seven month since it installed in power the neo-fascist party of the homosexual Jorg Haidar.
MAJOR-LEAGUE ASSHOLE. OH YEAH, BIG TIME.

And the isle of Lesbos will allow in the tour group of British lesbians. That mayor has been persuaded to withdraw his objections, as long as they don't do anything too openly lesbianic. Unless he can watch.

So who shits while standing on the toilet seat? Evidently Kosovars, according to Haliburton.

Personally, I think the subliminal message RATS was intended to refer to the Emmy rat bastards who preferred The West Wing over The Sopranos, those motherless motherfucks.