Tom Daschle blames Bush tax cut for economic crisis, which let’s face it isn’t actually true, although they sure won’t help in the short or long term. Bush responds that “not over my dead body” will they raise taxes which, typically, means the exact opposite of what Bush thinks it means. Also, no one’s actually calling for tax increases (or actually, repealing tax cuts that haven’t gone into effect yet, which Bush went out of his way to say still count as tax increases. Which they don’t.).

What does count as a tax increase is the new increase in the California sales tax, which was actually the expiration of a tax cut from many years ago, which was constructed so that no one in the state legislature would actually have to vote for it, it would just go up all by itself. I don’t know if this is actually unconstitutional, but it is certainly taxation without representation: not only did our representatives not vote for it, but the people responsible have probably all been term-limited out. Immaculate taxation.

There’s a terrific piece by Peter Maas in today’s NY Times Magazine on an Afghani warlord, a lot of fun. Also fun is a piece in the newspaper about corruption in the new and improved Afghanistan. It’s the classic case of a reporter not leaving his hotel room to write a story. In fact he can’t leave his hotel room without paying hundreds of dollars and leaving behind all his equipment. One reporter, CNN I think, got them to write out an itemized receipt, including $220 for “pure extortion.” Doesn’t even mention mini-bar charges and porn. Fun, as I say, but somehow I don’t think the tragedy of corruption in Afghanistan is that CNN had to bargain to get its satellite equipment back.

Washington Post headline: “Texas frames Bush, Much to His Liking.” On the same day, although not in the same newspaper, Houston is proclaimed the flabbiest place in America.

Speaking of the least introspective man in America, Bush was asked how 9/11 had changed him and responded (snapped, William Safire says) “Talk to my wife”, he doesn’t look in the mirror. Safire thinks Bush meant that he was always a great mass of wonderfulness and that the American people are only now beginning to appreciate him. Yick.

There’s a piece by Terry Jones, the only Python doing regular war commentary, in today’s Observer (observer.co.uk/comment, available for a week) on why it is good to put bags on the heads of Afghan prisoners.

The Afghans finally bag an American, and about fucking time too, I say. While even I can’t escape the doubtless reprehensible sentiment that it’s better for one of them to die than one of us, the US needs to be bloodied in its wars, to stop entering into them so easily.

I forget who it was--Tommy Franks?--who yesterday referred to Somalia as a failed nation, presumably indicating it’s about to get a spanking, but I’d love to know what the standards are. Undemocratic leadership? Do I have to bring up the butterfly ballot again--I think not. Allows terrorists to operate unmolested? I doubt the terrorists were actually taking flying lessons in Somalia, so give it a freaking break.

Suharto’s son Tommy is suing the people he paid a $2 million bribe, intended to secure a pardon. He wants his money back.

In the run-up to the French presidential elections, another scandal hits Chirac, who collects them like Jenna Bush collects empty tequilla bottles. When Chirac was prime minister, his government paid ransom for hostages in Lebanon, which is not the scandal although it should be. No, the scandal is that the Gaullists skimmed part of it off the top. It’s still not Iran-Contra, but the French think relatively small.

Don’t iron your euros

In 1951, Britain was considering a plan to divide Afghanistan up between Russia and Pakistan. Is it too late now?

A 19-year old is elected mayor of Mercer, Pennsylvania. He lives with his parents.

Pakistan demands evidence before handing over the Kashmiris India wants. Either that, or the newspaper reporters have all gone on vacation and just set up a computer program which inserts the names of different countries into old stories. Tomorrow: Montana threatens to bomb Idaho if it doesn’t hand over terrorists. No wait, that could happen.

Pakistan is walking a hilariously fine line over Kashmir, since it wants to look like it’s backing off of supporting terrorists without actually stopping support for Kashmiris who are killing Indians. You know, freedom fighters. They now say they’ll only support actual Kashmiris who are fighting for independence and not, say, Arabs who are helping them. Blatant discrimination, I say.

Russia is now using its old gulags from ordinary criminals, some 100,000 of them.

The decennial British census shows that residential segregation is increasing in Northern Ireland. I might also add that punishment beatings and shootings were at record levels in 2001. Peace, ain’t it grand.

The Swiss have re-relaxed airline security and are allowing Swiss army knives onto planes, including those heading for the US.

People have been playing with the euro. They find that it is ok to wash it but not iron it, because of the encoded strip. Also, the odds of it landing heads or tails vary by country. Belgium’s national design, for example, produces a 56:44 ratio in favor of tails.

PS

In that last email I said that I thought I had peed myself at the Gare du Nord. I of course meant that I myself had peed at the Gare du Nord, not that I’d had a nasty accident there.

One New Year’s tradition good for me is the release of British cabinet papers under the 30-rule year. Which means that today Edward Heath was having to defend internment without trial, not today’s but that in Northern Ireland in 1971, which was singularly stupid and incompetent and, as it turns out, was warned against by the military.

But if that was short-sighted, it was as nothing beside the report of the High Commissioner in Uganda, who said that he thought Idi Amin would turn out just fine.

The city of Bradford is spending a fortune upgrading some of its bus stops. There will be art and literature in electronic form, and music chosen according to the color of your clothes. It will still smell of urine, of course.

Speaking of urine, the Guardian sent its European reporters out to see what they could buy with a euro. Most of them were looking for hangover cures, but settled for buying more booze. The toilet at the Gare du Nord (where I think I once peed myself), has upped its prices from 6 francs to 1 euro (6.5 francs), but in Berlin you can use the city toilette for 40 minutes (don’t ask, it’s a German thing) for 1/2 a euro. Paris cathedrals also raised the price of lighting a candle from 10 francs to 2 euros.

Speaking of being screwed by euros, there are some bank robbers in German prisons, who got away with about $5 million in 1995 but were caught. The 1st one will be released in 2003, but it’s all in marks.

The EU is great, isn't it? Spain just released the country's largest drug smuggler on bail pending a trial at which he faced a 60 year prison term, because evidently jails frighten him. It's a phobia, see? The EU has turned Spain into Sweden, that's the only explanation.

The guy disappeared, of course.

India has given Pakistan a list of 30 people it wants turned over, and also says that it can win a nuclear war.

I mentioned that Sharon's choice for head anti-terrorism adviser had killed Palestinian prisoners with a rock, but should have made it clear that Sharon knew it. The man, of course, was pardoned and never served a day.

A Dutch man called his wife and told her he'd been kidnapped, in order to spend Christmas with his mistress.

A Utah company is adding to the DVD player what it surely needed: censorship. Don't want to see Kate Winslet's boobs in Titanic (or any other movie she's ever made), or those disquieting dead people in Saving Private Ryan? You'll be able to download a "fix," putting a corset on Kate and flak over the corpses.

I can't believe it took so long, but Pakistan finally threatened India with nukes (for the first time this month, anyway). And India is busily preparing camoflage for the Taj Mahal.

Remember all those movies about the pyramids in Egypt being constructed by slaves dragging huge rocks? Nope, it seems the pyramids aren't carved stone at all but were molded on site.

Getting anxious for the US to pick on another country? Somalia, Iraq, whatever? It seems the real reason that it hasn't happened is that after bombing Sudan, Afghanistan and Kosovo with hundreds of cruise missiles, we're almost out of stock. There are still Tomahawks, but their range isn't long enough to reach many of the targets inside Iraq, and that would leave the Navy without missiles.

Said a producer of Ally McBeal, "I wish Ally McBeal and other shows could be [in Afghanistan] to show them what the real world is like."

Israel's High Court says that Sharon's top anti-terrorism adviser must step down, and all he did wrong was beat two Palestinian prisoners to death with a rock 17 years ago.

Tony Blair, on vacation in Egypt, is present as a 4,600 year old skeleton is dug up, and is now subject to a curse. Sadly, he is to be eaten by a crocodile, a hippopatamus and a lion.

I don't know what my neighbors have been up to, but our garbage can has melted.

Goodbye, Sir Humphrey Appleby.

Tom Friedman of the NY Times suggests dealing with terrorism by having everyone fly naked (which would also keep the religious fanatics off). I just want to point out that I suggested this for schools after Columbine, as taking care of both the concealed weapons problem and the school uniforms issue. But did anyone listen, no they did not.

According to the Post, the government's adopt a wild horse program is still leading straight to the Alpo factory.

The Post also says that Bush is going to his ranch for "only" the 2nd time since 9/11. Poor baby, only 2 vacations in 3 months, how sad.

The Post also observes a last-minute sweetheart deal to Boeing, whereby the government leased 4 airplanes instead of buying them outright, at an increased cost of only $7 billion (or $26 billion, if you question the need to buy the planes in the first place).

All the Justice Department money for DNA testing of potentially innocent people went instead to DNA testing to see which blob of World Trade Center victim goes into which tupperware container.

To end on a happy note, Cambodia has been cracking down on vice lately, and is threatening to destroy karoake bars with tanks.

The British can bet on anything, elections, the Booker prize, dog shows, and yes, whether or not it will be a white Christmas. It was, so the punters are happy.

Israel did keep Arafat from Christmas mass, which would suggest to some their continuing unfitness to superintend the holy sites and the illegitimacy of their claim to Jerusalem. Today, 3 people die in Palestinian protests about Arafat not being allowed to worship Christ, or something.

The Germans are trying to figure out how to dispose of several trillion deutschmarks, as the euro comes in. You can buy a bag of shredded marks to use as confetti. It is waxed, so is not appropriate as toilet paper.

Israel says that Arafat cannot go to Bethlehem unless he arrests two of the assassins of the tourism minister. How very Christmassy. I think myrrh is a bit more traditional, but what the hell.

Something must be wrong with me: I can't think of anything funny to say about exploding shoes.

The Observer suggests that I was right about that Afghan convoy and how it got targeted. Today the US military claimed that the convoy had shot a missile at it, which seems an odd thing not to have reported yesterday if true.

Sign seen in Berkeley: "The world does not need another unjust war." Damn, some planets are so hard to shop for.

License plate seen on Highway 24: "JaneEyre." "Reader I married him, moved to the suburbs, and bought an SUV."

The "Today's Paper" for Friday in Slate has an amusing comparison of quotes from newspapers stories of sightings of the giant squid and bin Laden, respectively.

Pakistan demands proof from India before arresting the people responsible for the attacks on its parliament. Although this sounds familiar, the US is still on Pakistan's side. India does seem to be planning war.

The US bombed a convoy today, killing many. It says Al Qaeda leaders, others say tribal leaders and supporters of the new interim warlord-in-chief (who we also almost hit with a bomb). Reading in between the lines of the London Times report, I'll bet it turns out that certain members of the coalition fed false information to US intelligence to get it to wipe out other members of the coalition. I'll also bet this will never be admitted.

The Israeli army has inflicted on those officers who planted the booby traps in Palestine killing 5 boys on their way to school a jolly stiff... reprimand.

Congress abandons efforts to protect the insurance industry from having to pay out for future terrorist attacks--at least for now.

Unless of course you count the victims' fund, one condition of which is that recipients not sue the airlines. Since when is federal relief money conditioned on not suing private companies? One might also ask why they're being paid anything, since private charities including the Red Cross already have enough to make the 9/11 survivors all very comfortable indeed without tossing in another average $1.6 million each from tax dollars. Or is that what a Republican would say?

The US position on the attack on the Indian Parliament is exactly the same as that of Pakistan: India should share its intelligence with Pakistan, which will no doubt be eager to assist. And even more eager to find out how much India knows about what it's up to. Think about this for a moment. Even forgetting that the US is backing the probable aggressor in an attempt to wipe out India's leadership (no great loss, some would say), but its position is so naive as to suggest that no one spent even a minute thinking about it before issuing a statement, which is a little frightening given that these two countries are volatile and nuked up.

Speaking of statements issued hurriedly, the US is now giving a new transcript of that Osama bin Laden tape, which supposedly they sat on for a month and then translated very hurriedly last week and released while still incomplete. Again, how stupid are we supposed to be? They're spending billions to "bring bin Laden to justice," but only started translating a tape of him after having it in their possession a couple of weeks? And evidently, he called black people a naughty word ("slaves"). Take that, Barbara Lee!

Two members of Parliament complained to the British tv regulatory agency about having been tricked into appearing in a hoax documentary, in which they decried a (fictional) internet game in which paedophiles physically manipulate children on-line, and special pants for hiding erections. The MPs were told it was their own fault they were so gullible.

An hour ago my cat was hunting for the mouse at the last place she saw it. Possibly, though, I've given a misleading portrait of her hunting abilities. She often stalks her own water bowl and I have never seen it outwit her. Yet.

While writing about the inability of the CIA to find bin Laden or indeed its own ass, I got lost in my own subordinate clauses and forgot to include a joke along the lines that while the CIA can't find him, his cave is rapidly filling up with AOL disks and credit card offers.

Mumia got off death row today, although I wouldn't be as optimistic as some reports in suggesting that Penn. won't re-run the penalty phase: they really want this guy dead.

The mouse was finally caught last night, by me and not by the Stupidest Cat in the World, after 54 days. A bit the worse for wear, but alive.

A U of NH econ professor estimates 3,767 civilian Afghan dead from bombing, just as the World Trade Center estimates drop to 3,000. Fortunately, they're just foreigners.

We've already seen Bush's ultimatum to Afghanistan reissued by Israel with to Arafat with the names changed, and India to Pakistan. We've seen governments claim their enemies were linked to bin Laden from China to the Philippines to Somalia (where it might be true). Now, a coup attempt in the Comoros is justified by the president's alleged links to bin Laden, which may be the silliest yet. Unconfirmed reports say that Bob Denard was present, making this I believe his 5th coup in the Comoros.

Rumsfeld admits having no idea where bin Laden is, but none of the reporters ask him if that isn't a sign of incredible incompetence. I can understand, sort of, George W growing a layer of teflon in time of pseudo-war (although a layer of UV might be more useful), but what have the FBI & CIA & DIA & NSA done to deserve the exemption from critical thought?

Speaking of exemption from critical thought, Zimbabwe has some draft laws to outlaw criticism of the government. Or the police.

A famous chain of vegetarian restaurants in Britain, made popular in the 60s by the Beatles and Twiggy and, I don't know, Austin Powers, has closed down. I mention this for two reasons: 1) its name was Cranks; 2) someone said they needed to get back to their roots.

So, will they or won't they? India and Pakistan, always so close to the brink of war, and they take another step. One of two odd things happened here: either the Pakistani intelligence services thought they could get away with this because the US would tell India to back down, or Kashmiri separatists/terrorists under the wings of Pankistani intelligence thought they could launch this operation without permission. Some government spokesman accused the Indians of attacking their own parliament in order to frame Pakistan.

I just let the cat out, so presumably the mouse is now playing. I'll have to admit she's getting better. She's now caught the mouse in each of the last 3 days. What is the life span of a mouse, anyway?

He who loves you will follow you

The cat caught the mouse yesterday. Lost it again. They really do squeak.

If you're bored, check out a website from a fan of Soviet-era calculators. The author lives in Tasmania, so probably needs a hobby.

My fortune cookie today told me "He who loves you will follow you." That is really deeply disturbing.

The Bushies won’t shut down meat-processing plants that repeatedly fail salmonella tests. They say it’s the consumer’s responsibility to cook properly.

Hiding in caves

The mouse is no longer even treating my cat with respect, barely increasing its speed today as it walked past her close enough to touch on its way to sanctuary under the stove. There's no longer any food in the drawers next to the stove, as I'm trying to lengthen its supply lines and so increase the chances of it being caught. I may have to burn Moscow, though (little military history humor there, which always goes over big). Actually, I only thought there was nothing left to eat. I noticed the mouse has eaten through a couple of pill bottles in the bottom drawer, left over from my old cat who, although dead more than five years, now seems more likely to kill the mouse than my current cat.

The hypocrisy is beginning to increase. Today Bush accused bin Laden of being a coward for hiding in caves while sending others to their death. OK, Mister Too Dangerous to Come Back to Washington, Mister Texas Air National Guard, Mister....

And a day or two ago he said that Johnny Taliban was obviously misled because who would fight for a country that treated its women badly. Do you think he mentioned that to his father during the Gulf War? or was he still too busy snorting coke off a hooker's ass in a Houston bar to notice?

Speaking of Johnny, William Saletan of Slate says that treatment of him will be the litmus test of whether the war is against terrorism rather than Islam as the Bushies keep saying, that is whether we treat him like a terrorist or as a misguided youth as Bush has been.

Michael Kinsley, also in Slate, says that this war is about restoring our right to ignore Afghanistan again. He actually meant it seriously, but I've pointed out before that the fastest way for the US to lose interest in a country is to defeat it in a war.

The latest analysis I've read of Sharon's policy is that he intends to so weaken Arafat that someone will overthrow him, and then somehow there will arise a new leader more willing to do Tel Aviv's bidding. Yes, of course, the Palestinian people are crying out for a government more subservient to the folks who are bombing them.

Speaking of interesting logic, how much of the infamous video tape have any of you bothered to see? I've been happy to stick with edited highlights so far because I find the whole thing rather dubious. I'd hate to think the CIA would be so stupid as to fake this tape, but really doesn't it beggar the imagination that bin Laden would avoid claiming any responsibility for two months and then do it in this way? Forget checking the translation, I want to see what an Arab-speaking lip-reader has to say about the tape. Bush spoke today like only Oliver Stone or everyone in the Arab world could think the tape was less than authentic, but then he thinks that Jar Jar Binks is real.

Israel, displaying the sort of arrogance normally associated with more, well, North American countries, declares Arafat irrelevant, like this is a valuation they get to make, like Bush declaring who is or who is not a true Muslim. Israel is breaking off all contact with the Palestinian government. This probably comes as a relief, since such contact usually consisted of Ariel Sharon screaming Terrorist! Terrorist! Terrorist! until foam came out of his mouth.

Headline that should have been connected to a much more interesting story, but wasn't: "9 Foot Swan Held After Attack on Woman in Dog Suit."

Football mascots.