A failing law student kills 3 people at his school. Now I can see how he might be failing, because I’m pretty sure that mass murder is actually against the law. They probably should have taught him that.

The Norwegian finance minister enters a gay marriage.

A spiced tomato juice company gets a Royal Warrant, which means they get to advertise themselves “By appointment to Her Majesty the Queen.” You understand that in this case, we’re talking about something used for a Bloody Mary, which the Times totally missed the irony of.

The statement of charges against John Walker, who I think I’ll continue calling Johnny Taliban if you don’t mind (just as I’m planning to call Enron chairman Ken Lay “Kennie Boy,” Bush’s nickname for him, not least because “Ken Lay” sounds like it’s in Pig Latin) seem interestingly ridiculous. They’re avoiding treason charges because there are actual standards of proof for that one, which they couldn’t possibly manage. Evidently he is supposed to have known about the attacks before they occurred. Given that the actual hijackers didn’t know in advance, how likely is that? One might also ask, if it’s so freaking easy for someone to walk in off the street and be told the top secret terrorist plans, how did the CIA not manage it?

Speaking of incompetence, there’s an interesting article in Slate today on the scrambling of jets to intercept the hijacked planes on Sept 11. I’ve been wondering about the timing of that for 4 months. Now forgetting that it took the FAA quite a while to bother passing the information that was a problem on to NORAD, and that NORAD had never trained for such a mission, and that it took them several minutes to order planes into the air (and,
which the article doesn’t mention, that the planes sent to intercept the 4th plane did not come from the nearest air field to DC, which had no planes available), the author compares the mileage covered by those fighters to the time elapsed, and amazingly enough they weren’t actually flying at anywhere near top speed. Guess it wasn’t an emergency (and this was after the first plane crashed).

Col. Mustard in the library with a pretzel

Trust the Israelis to assassinate the head of an organization while it was observing a ceasefire.

On Groundhog Day, that town in Pennsylvania with the funny name is going to be protected by huge numbers of police and National Guard, in case of terrorism or it turns out to be Osama rather than a groundhog that pops of that hole, cuz you never know.

650 US troops are off to the Philippines. Isn’t it great how initiating new counter-insurgency operations doesn’t require any public or Congressional approval whatsoever anymore?

A question I didn’t even think to ask has been answered: Bush’s little pretzel incident was not alcohol-related. I didn’t think to ask, but his doctor ran a test, which is kind of interesting by itself.

Ford couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time. Bush can’t watch tv and eat a pretzel at the same time. Clinton could have sex and smoke a cigar at the same time. It’s called multi-tasking, people!

So back to Enron. Saletan of Slate is right that there is a danger of an investigation into non-existent wrong-doing by the Bushies could be the same sort of thing as Whitewater, an investigation without a crime. But since there were plenty of crimes associated with Enron, there should still be a thorough investigation, and if there turns out to be evidence of something, cool. Cheney should, however, be finally forced to divulge his contacts with energy companies including Enron while developing the admin’s energy policy.

There is other capital to be made out of this. That the administration has Enron’s stink on it, and that Enron got a change of venue because everyone in Texas down to dogcatcher was involved with the company in some way, suggests that now is the time to push campaign finance reform, when Bush can be embarrassed into not vetoing it. Also, the final collapse may not involve the Bushies, but the whole company’s very existence depended on its relationship with government, and the way it bought itself free from oversight. It’s too bad Phil Gramm was going to retire anyway, because I’d so much rather see him hounded out of office: while he was taking a quarter million from them, his wife as chair of the Commodity (something) Trading Commission (can’t read my own handwriting here), made sure that energy swaps, Enron’s specialty, was completely deregulated and
then, that done, quit the Commission for a seat on the board of .... Enron.

Washington Post headline: “Bush No Worse for Fall.” No worse than what?

Top Prince Harry chat-up line (and I’m not making this up): “Do you want to come back to my palace?” Yes, it’s been a hell of a week for British gossip, starting with the Harry Smokes Pot one. Charles made him go to a rehab clinic for a day and get the royal tour, which everyone praises as excellent fathering, although one wonders if that was really what the patients needed. How’d you like to be the one who threw Harry out of a bar or restaurant? It does actually happen. Once after calling a chef a “fucking Frog”, indicating that he has his grandfather’s talent for international relations.

Also on the gossip mill, the Archbishop of Canterbury is retiring and will be replaced by... well, Prince Charles wants someone who will be on his side in the re-marriage fight, but the gambling money, 3 to 1, is on a Pakistani, about whom a huge number of rumors have been let loose, not that anyone’s racist mind you. Seems he bought his first post, and used to be a Catholic and eats babies.

And Cecil Parkinson. A feeding frenzy delayed for 18 years is an ugly thing. Lord Parkinson (various cabinet posts in the Thatcher administration) schtupped a secretary, who refused to get an abortion. The kid came out with a brain tumor and autistic and with other things wrong. Their was a gag order on the press and on the mother and the kid, which lasted until she turned 18, last week. She’s already been the star of a documentary, and the story is that the gag order actually prevented any acknowledgment of the kid’s existence by anyone: no parts in school plays, no name up on bulletin boards etc. Total bullshit, it turns out, but a great story.

One of the British papers has a helpful Olympics article on how to get booze in Utah. Evidently there’s more of it than we thought, including something called Polygamy Porter.

I was almost beginning to wonder if I’d been pounding Israel too hard lately until I read a report by FAIR that said that when tv news talks about violence starting up in Israel, or lulls in violence, it means exclusively violence against Jews, ignoring the other kind.

So in the interests of balance, here’s another story indicating Israel’s unfitness to have control over the holy sites: they’ve decided not to recognize the new head of the Greek Orthodox community.

Speaking of balance, I’ve been meaning to address Kashmir, just to say that while Pakistan is certainly supporting terrorism there (and I was singularly unimpressed with Musharof’s speech yesterday) and playing footsie with nuclear war, it is the case that India is holding on to Kashmir and shouldn’t be.

So what is an “unlawful combatant” anyway? And if you actually invade a country do you get to decide who has a right to resist your invasion? And what do you mean, they weren’t wearing uniforms--they had the only uniform necessary for the US to consider them targets: brown skin.

In Alaska a judge strikes down the removal of a man’s gun permit simply because he was insane.

Speaking of which, the army chief of India (after saying he was ready to fight a nuclear war), suggested that war, nuclear or otherwise was near. “When two countries mobilize their forces and place them on the border, it is not normal.” Evidently he hasn’t been paying a lot of attention the last few decades.

Last week, Tony Blair went to the region to be a “calming influence.” This week, he’s gonna sell India 60 Hawk jets.

Russia’s last independent tv station is forced into bankruptcy.

The German Christian Dems finally pick someone to run for chancellor, and it is not the party chair, who happens to be a woman, but the far-right loon leader of Bavaria (slogan: “laptops and lederhosen”, which may be the dirtiest thing I’ve ever heard).

Homosexuality is back in Afghanistan. Hurrah. Or not, actually. Did you know that Kandahar used to be known as the sodomy capital of south west Asia? Neither did I. The reason not hurrah is that it invariably involves children. Indeed, Mullah Omar got his start intervening to get one boy away from two warlords who both wanted him as their catamite. The Taliban put a stop to that sort of thing.

Some time back I mentioned a 9-month old girl gang raped in South Africa as an AIDS cure. I’d as soon not have had to think about that again, but the story’s back (oh, she will never be able to have children, assuming she survives, and needs surgery). See, she was given anti-retroviral drugs to prevent AIDS transmission. The government has told doctors to stop giving such drugs to rape victims, became Mbeki is an idiot.

What the hell, I can’t end on that: Winona Ryder explained to the court that she was shoplifting in order to research a role in a movie (she has no roles in any movies coming up, so maybe she meant the Saks surveillance camera).

The Pentagon is claiming that it ordered journalists not to transmit pictures of the Afghan prisoners in their S&M chains & masks gear being loaded into cages to be transferred to the US’s other colony in Guantanamo, in order to protect their dignity. It tried that one on after claiming that it was at the request of the Red Cross, which it was not. They won’t tell whether they drugged them or not.

The Supreme Court rules that the Americans with Disabilities Act doesn’t apply to people disabled from doing their jobs so long as they can brush their teeth. Hey, I don’t write the opinions, I just report them. Scalia, whose son doesn’t believe in repetitive stress injuries and is about to be recess appointed into a labor dept. job, probably should have recused himself.

At yesterday’s Question Time in the House of Commons, the new bald leader of the Tory party quoted a member of the government as admitting that there was a lot of crime. When told the quote had been made up, he followed up, “Well, if apparently he said no such thing, wasn’t he in reality, in saying no such thing, correct in what he apparently did not say.”

Someone has averaged out the light in the universe, and determined that it is turquoise. Which just confirms what my cat has thought all along.

Speaking of stupid jobs, there is an EU commission working on the burning question of how many lumps a sauce can have before it’s designated a vegetable.

So when Dubya promised to cut strategic nukes by 2/3, he actually meant not to destroy them but to put them into mothballs, reducing the value of his promise effectively to zero. Terrif.

He also called the Pakistanis “Pakis,” which I’m sure went down real well. Presumably he was just being a moron, not actually intending a slur.

As opposed to an Israeli MP who called the US ambassador something that was translated from Hebrew as “little Jewboy” (Yehudon). Just how many slurs for Jews are there in the Hebrew language I wonder?

As part of a tourism push in Whitby, in the west of England, Whitby Abbey is promoting itself as the home of Dracula. Some people are questioning the theological aspects of this.

Speaking of questionable theological aspects, the Vatican has issued new guidelines on how to deal with paedophile priests. They include secret internal trials. They do not include informing the police.

Tom Daschle blames Bush tax cut for economic crisis, which let’s face it isn’t actually true, although they sure won’t help in the short or long term. Bush responds that “not over my dead body” will they raise taxes which, typically, means the exact opposite of what Bush thinks it means. Also, no one’s actually calling for tax increases (or actually, repealing tax cuts that haven’t gone into effect yet, which Bush went out of his way to say still count as tax increases. Which they don’t.).

What does count as a tax increase is the new increase in the California sales tax, which was actually the expiration of a tax cut from many years ago, which was constructed so that no one in the state legislature would actually have to vote for it, it would just go up all by itself. I don’t know if this is actually unconstitutional, but it is certainly taxation without representation: not only did our representatives not vote for it, but the people responsible have probably all been term-limited out. Immaculate taxation.

There’s a terrific piece by Peter Maas in today’s NY Times Magazine on an Afghani warlord, a lot of fun. Also fun is a piece in the newspaper about corruption in the new and improved Afghanistan. It’s the classic case of a reporter not leaving his hotel room to write a story. In fact he can’t leave his hotel room without paying hundreds of dollars and leaving behind all his equipment. One reporter, CNN I think, got them to write out an itemized receipt, including $220 for “pure extortion.” Doesn’t even mention mini-bar charges and porn. Fun, as I say, but somehow I don’t think the tragedy of corruption in Afghanistan is that CNN had to bargain to get its satellite equipment back.

Washington Post headline: “Texas frames Bush, Much to His Liking.” On the same day, although not in the same newspaper, Houston is proclaimed the flabbiest place in America.

Speaking of the least introspective man in America, Bush was asked how 9/11 had changed him and responded (snapped, William Safire says) “Talk to my wife”, he doesn’t look in the mirror. Safire thinks Bush meant that he was always a great mass of wonderfulness and that the American people are only now beginning to appreciate him. Yick.

There’s a piece by Terry Jones, the only Python doing regular war commentary, in today’s Observer (observer.co.uk/comment, available for a week) on why it is good to put bags on the heads of Afghan prisoners.

The Afghans finally bag an American, and about fucking time too, I say. While even I can’t escape the doubtless reprehensible sentiment that it’s better for one of them to die than one of us, the US needs to be bloodied in its wars, to stop entering into them so easily.

I forget who it was--Tommy Franks?--who yesterday referred to Somalia as a failed nation, presumably indicating it’s about to get a spanking, but I’d love to know what the standards are. Undemocratic leadership? Do I have to bring up the butterfly ballot again--I think not. Allows terrorists to operate unmolested? I doubt the terrorists were actually taking flying lessons in Somalia, so give it a freaking break.

Suharto’s son Tommy is suing the people he paid a $2 million bribe, intended to secure a pardon. He wants his money back.

In the run-up to the French presidential elections, another scandal hits Chirac, who collects them like Jenna Bush collects empty tequilla bottles. When Chirac was prime minister, his government paid ransom for hostages in Lebanon, which is not the scandal although it should be. No, the scandal is that the Gaullists skimmed part of it off the top. It’s still not Iran-Contra, but the French think relatively small.

Don’t iron your euros

In 1951, Britain was considering a plan to divide Afghanistan up between Russia and Pakistan. Is it too late now?

A 19-year old is elected mayor of Mercer, Pennsylvania. He lives with his parents.

Pakistan demands evidence before handing over the Kashmiris India wants. Either that, or the newspaper reporters have all gone on vacation and just set up a computer program which inserts the names of different countries into old stories. Tomorrow: Montana threatens to bomb Idaho if it doesn’t hand over terrorists. No wait, that could happen.

Pakistan is walking a hilariously fine line over Kashmir, since it wants to look like it’s backing off of supporting terrorists without actually stopping support for Kashmiris who are killing Indians. You know, freedom fighters. They now say they’ll only support actual Kashmiris who are fighting for independence and not, say, Arabs who are helping them. Blatant discrimination, I say.

Russia is now using its old gulags from ordinary criminals, some 100,000 of them.

The decennial British census shows that residential segregation is increasing in Northern Ireland. I might also add that punishment beatings and shootings were at record levels in 2001. Peace, ain’t it grand.

The Swiss have re-relaxed airline security and are allowing Swiss army knives onto planes, including those heading for the US.

People have been playing with the euro. They find that it is ok to wash it but not iron it, because of the encoded strip. Also, the odds of it landing heads or tails vary by country. Belgium’s national design, for example, produces a 56:44 ratio in favor of tails.

PS

In that last email I said that I thought I had peed myself at the Gare du Nord. I of course meant that I myself had peed at the Gare du Nord, not that I’d had a nasty accident there.

One New Year’s tradition good for me is the release of British cabinet papers under the 30-rule year. Which means that today Edward Heath was having to defend internment without trial, not today’s but that in Northern Ireland in 1971, which was singularly stupid and incompetent and, as it turns out, was warned against by the military.

But if that was short-sighted, it was as nothing beside the report of the High Commissioner in Uganda, who said that he thought Idi Amin would turn out just fine.

The city of Bradford is spending a fortune upgrading some of its bus stops. There will be art and literature in electronic form, and music chosen according to the color of your clothes. It will still smell of urine, of course.

Speaking of urine, the Guardian sent its European reporters out to see what they could buy with a euro. Most of them were looking for hangover cures, but settled for buying more booze. The toilet at the Gare du Nord (where I think I once peed myself), has upped its prices from 6 francs to 1 euro (6.5 francs), but in Berlin you can use the city toilette for 40 minutes (don’t ask, it’s a German thing) for 1/2 a euro. Paris cathedrals also raised the price of lighting a candle from 10 francs to 2 euros.

Speaking of being screwed by euros, there are some bank robbers in German prisons, who got away with about $5 million in 1995 but were caught. The 1st one will be released in 2003, but it’s all in marks.

The EU is great, isn't it? Spain just released the country's largest drug smuggler on bail pending a trial at which he faced a 60 year prison term, because evidently jails frighten him. It's a phobia, see? The EU has turned Spain into Sweden, that's the only explanation.

The guy disappeared, of course.

India has given Pakistan a list of 30 people it wants turned over, and also says that it can win a nuclear war.

I mentioned that Sharon's choice for head anti-terrorism adviser had killed Palestinian prisoners with a rock, but should have made it clear that Sharon knew it. The man, of course, was pardoned and never served a day.

A Dutch man called his wife and told her he'd been kidnapped, in order to spend Christmas with his mistress.

A Utah company is adding to the DVD player what it surely needed: censorship. Don't want to see Kate Winslet's boobs in Titanic (or any other movie she's ever made), or those disquieting dead people in Saving Private Ryan? You'll be able to download a "fix," putting a corset on Kate and flak over the corpses.

I can't believe it took so long, but Pakistan finally threatened India with nukes (for the first time this month, anyway). And India is busily preparing camoflage for the Taj Mahal.

Remember all those movies about the pyramids in Egypt being constructed by slaves dragging huge rocks? Nope, it seems the pyramids aren't carved stone at all but were molded on site.

Getting anxious for the US to pick on another country? Somalia, Iraq, whatever? It seems the real reason that it hasn't happened is that after bombing Sudan, Afghanistan and Kosovo with hundreds of cruise missiles, we're almost out of stock. There are still Tomahawks, but their range isn't long enough to reach many of the targets inside Iraq, and that would leave the Navy without missiles.

Said a producer of Ally McBeal, "I wish Ally McBeal and other shows could be [in Afghanistan] to show them what the real world is like."

Israel's High Court says that Sharon's top anti-terrorism adviser must step down, and all he did wrong was beat two Palestinian prisoners to death with a rock 17 years ago.

Tony Blair, on vacation in Egypt, is present as a 4,600 year old skeleton is dug up, and is now subject to a curse. Sadly, he is to be eaten by a crocodile, a hippopatamus and a lion.

I don't know what my neighbors have been up to, but our garbage can has melted.

Goodbye, Sir Humphrey Appleby.

Tom Friedman of the NY Times suggests dealing with terrorism by having everyone fly naked (which would also keep the religious fanatics off). I just want to point out that I suggested this for schools after Columbine, as taking care of both the concealed weapons problem and the school uniforms issue. But did anyone listen, no they did not.

According to the Post, the government's adopt a wild horse program is still leading straight to the Alpo factory.

The Post also says that Bush is going to his ranch for "only" the 2nd time since 9/11. Poor baby, only 2 vacations in 3 months, how sad.

The Post also observes a last-minute sweetheart deal to Boeing, whereby the government leased 4 airplanes instead of buying them outright, at an increased cost of only $7 billion (or $26 billion, if you question the need to buy the planes in the first place).

All the Justice Department money for DNA testing of potentially innocent people went instead to DNA testing to see which blob of World Trade Center victim goes into which tupperware container.

To end on a happy note, Cambodia has been cracking down on vice lately, and is threatening to destroy karoake bars with tanks.

The British can bet on anything, elections, the Booker prize, dog shows, and yes, whether or not it will be a white Christmas. It was, so the punters are happy.

Israel did keep Arafat from Christmas mass, which would suggest to some their continuing unfitness to superintend the holy sites and the illegitimacy of their claim to Jerusalem. Today, 3 people die in Palestinian protests about Arafat not being allowed to worship Christ, or something.

The Germans are trying to figure out how to dispose of several trillion deutschmarks, as the euro comes in. You can buy a bag of shredded marks to use as confetti. It is waxed, so is not appropriate as toilet paper.

Israel says that Arafat cannot go to Bethlehem unless he arrests two of the assassins of the tourism minister. How very Christmassy. I think myrrh is a bit more traditional, but what the hell.

Something must be wrong with me: I can't think of anything funny to say about exploding shoes.

The Observer suggests that I was right about that Afghan convoy and how it got targeted. Today the US military claimed that the convoy had shot a missile at it, which seems an odd thing not to have reported yesterday if true.

Sign seen in Berkeley: "The world does not need another unjust war." Damn, some planets are so hard to shop for.

License plate seen on Highway 24: "JaneEyre." "Reader I married him, moved to the suburbs, and bought an SUV."

The "Today's Paper" for Friday in Slate has an amusing comparison of quotes from newspapers stories of sightings of the giant squid and bin Laden, respectively.

Pakistan demands proof from India before arresting the people responsible for the attacks on its parliament. Although this sounds familiar, the US is still on Pakistan's side. India does seem to be planning war.

The US bombed a convoy today, killing many. It says Al Qaeda leaders, others say tribal leaders and supporters of the new interim warlord-in-chief (who we also almost hit with a bomb). Reading in between the lines of the London Times report, I'll bet it turns out that certain members of the coalition fed false information to US intelligence to get it to wipe out other members of the coalition. I'll also bet this will never be admitted.

The Israeli army has inflicted on those officers who planted the booby traps in Palestine killing 5 boys on their way to school a jolly stiff... reprimand.

Congress abandons efforts to protect the insurance industry from having to pay out for future terrorist attacks--at least for now.

Unless of course you count the victims' fund, one condition of which is that recipients not sue the airlines. Since when is federal relief money conditioned on not suing private companies? One might also ask why they're being paid anything, since private charities including the Red Cross already have enough to make the 9/11 survivors all very comfortable indeed without tossing in another average $1.6 million each from tax dollars. Or is that what a Republican would say?