I don’t anticipate losing

Knew I forgot something: part 3 of Bush’s interview by (shudder) Bill O’Reilly.

Bush claims to have recently read three books on George Washington and came to this conclusion: “if they’re still analyzing the first president, the 43rd president ought to be doing what he thinks is right.” Of course Bush could read a Harlequin romance, a Spiderman comic book, or the back of a cereal box, and see them all as parables showing that he should go ahead and do whatever the hell he wants to do.

Bush called a routine question about how a Democratic Congressional victory would affect him a “trick question” and has no plan for that eventuality. “I don’t anticipate losing,” he said. No, wait, let’s edit that quote for clarity: “I don’t anticipate losing.”

O’Reilly insisted that he was the second most criticized person in the country, and Bush is the first. And being O’Reilly, he brought up the “culture war.” They both agreed that secular leftists dislike Bush because he believes in God. “And if people want to ascribe all kinds of, you know, all kinds of motives to my thinking, they just don’t understand me.” Dude, we don’t even ascribe thinking to your thinking.

Benchmarks are from Mars, timetables are from Venus

In today’s Gaggle, Tony Insert-Snow-Related-Pun-Here said that there are indeed benchmarks (“benchmarks” is the word Bushies are using because evidently “timetables” are the devil’s work, or only pussies have timetables, or timetables, we don’ need no stinkin’ timetables, or something) for progress in Iraq: “For instance, by the end of the year, there will be a hydrocarbon law.” See, and you thought it was a quagmire.

Elsewhere in the Gaggle:

Q Is the President responsible for the fact people think it’s stay the course since he’s, in fact, described it that way himself?

MR. SNOW: No.

All right, then.

Mike Nelson and some of the old Mystery Science Theatre 3000 gang, seeking publicity for their new business, which is a lot like the old one but downloadable and without the bots and not free, have alternate voiceovers for ads for Schwarzenegger

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and Angelides.

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Waiting for the adults

See Billmon’s post “Babbling Idiots” (tell us what you really think of them, Billmon) and George Packer in the New Yorker about the Iraq Study Group and the paucity of options remaining in Iraq.

I know I can’t wait. What will it be? Partition? because imperialists drawing lines on maps has always been an excellent way of resolving conflicts forever and ever. Pick a new Strong Man? because sooner or later things will get so bad that Achmad Chalabi couldn’t make them any worse. Oh, I just can’t wait.

In the meantime (and for Iraqis, it’s been a very mean time indeed), James Baker and Lee Hamilton have been making numerous appearances on news shows, evidently just to say that they’re not ready to discuss their conclusions and suggestions yet, don’t even bother asking them, and then fill the remaining 10 minutes showing Jim Lehrer pictures of their great-grandchildren. These are election campaign appearances and nothing else, a repeat of the 2000 strategy of surrounding Shrub with “adults,” who would save him from his own callowness. Of course those adults turned out to be Cheney and Rumsfeld. Adults, to be sure, but batshit-insane adults (someone said in 2001 of the Bush Cabinet that there hadn’t been so much pseudo-gravitas in one room since Henry Kissinger dined alone).

Did I say arrogance and stupidity? I meant stupidity and arrogance

A statement issued by Alberto Fernandez, director of public diplomacy for the State Department’s Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs: “Upon reading the transcript of my appearance on Al-Jazeera, I realized that I seriously misspoke by using the phrase ‘there has been arrogance and stupidity’ by the U.S. in Iraq. This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize.”

I don’t go back and look at those decisions

We seem to be hearing lately of more “bicycle bombs” in Iraq, suggesting that while they’re not running out of bombs, and they’re certainly not running out of people willing to be suicide bombers, they may be running out of cars.

Israel admits having used white phosphorus bombs in Lebanon.

In the New Yorker, Jane Mayer adds a detail to the story of Khaled el-Masri, that German national kidnapped by the CIA because of mistaken identity, flown to an Afghan prison for months of “interrogation,” then dumped on a mountain road in Albania: the plane that transported him to Afghanistan stopped off at Majorca on the way back, the crew treated to two nights’ at a luxury hotel, on us.

Time magazine has a softball interview with Dick Cheney, even trying to convince him to run for president. They did ask if he regretted dodging military service: “No, I don’t go back and look at those decisions.” I believe him. If there’s one thing he shares with Chimpy, from whom his persona otherwise differs so enormously, it’s that complete lack of self-reflection. Also, they’re both Bubble Boys: asked about the Iraqis not being sufficiently “grateful” to us, Cheney responds, “Well, I talk to a lot of Iraqis, and the ones I talk with have been very grateful and expressed their gratitude.” See, and you thought Iraqis weren’t grateful for all we’ve done to for them.

Constantly changing

Paul Richter and Doyle McManus write in the LAT about the likely change in course in Iraq after the November elections. It starts by pointing out a recent addition to Bush’s speeches I’ve been meaning to mention, a claim that “Our goal hasn’t changed, but the tactics are constantly adjusting”. They suggest that this is his way of making changes without admitting to the failure of his old policies. That’s part of it, but I’d highlight the function of that adverb “constantly,” which is to fend off proper analysis and debate. Every time he’s used the strategy/tactics distinction recently, he’s said that tactics are “constantly” changing. While the strategy and goals are (the Bushies insist) beyond debate because of their set-in-stonedness, there is no point for Congress or anyone else to discuss tactics for the exact opposite reason: they’re changing all the time; by the time you’ve discussed one failed tactic (Operation Forward Together, which was to restore stability to Baghdad, for example), they’re already on to the next one, because they’re “flexible,” see, and they react according to events in Iraq, not Washington.

Speaking of omerta, Bush spoke at the National Italian American Foundation dinner. Here he is doing his Don Corleone impression:

“Some day - and that day may never come - I’ll call upon you to do a service for me.”

Go to GOP.com, the Republican party website, and watch their ad “These are the stakes.”

You can also buy an “I am proud Bush is my president” mouse pad for only $25.

One of the reasons you’re seeing more casualties is the enemy is active and so are our troops

Bush claims to have been reading a lot of history lately. Let’s see the results. At another – you’ll be surprise to hear – fundraiser today, he bemoaned the sad decline of the Democratic Party from “Franklin Roosevelt, who was strong in his confrontation of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan,” through Truman and Kennedy standing up to communism... “And then something began to change” with McGovern, who Bush “quotes” saying, “I don’t like communism, but I don’t think we have any great obligation to save the world from it,” and then that commie-lover Carter. “See, they’d gotten to the point where they didn’t think that we could win. ... they opposed the liberation of Grenada. They didn’t like America’s support for freedom fighters resisting Soviet puppet regimes.” “And now we’re involved in what I have called the great ideological struggle of the 21st century. It’s a struggle between the forces of liberty and the forces of a tyrannical vision that does not believe in freedom. ... This is going to be a long struggle, but in order to prevail, it requires perseverance and determination, and a strong belief in the power of liberty to conquer the ideology of hate. The Democrat Party, that has evolved from one that was confident in its capacity to help deal with the problems of the world to one that is doubting, today still has an approach of doubt and defeat.”

It’s funny that he never quite mentions Vietnam (for example, was that possibly made-up McGovern quote, which does not turn up in a Google search, refer to Vietnam or to Eastern Europe?), and leaves LBJ out of his little history of the rise of the Doubting Dems. He’s trying to analogize Iraq and The War Against Terror (TWAT) to the Cold War rather than Vietnam, which was also portrayed at the time as the central front in a great ideological struggle against villains who wanted to establish a caliphate communist hegemony.

Little-known fact: whenever Bush tells a lie, a new flag appears behind him.

In an interview with AP, Bush explains, “One of the reasons you’re seeing more casualties is the enemy is active and so are our troops, along with Iraqis.” His grasp of military strategy is positively Napoleonic.

A couple of pictures for your captioning pleasure. In the first, Bush is seen with Bailey Reese, who started something called Hero Hugs to send care packages to the troops. She is from Niceville, Florida. Of course she is.

Defining success or failure in Iraq

At the Sherwood fundraiser, Bush both attacked Nancy Pelosi, and gave her a perfect straight line: “[If the D’s win the elections], The Speaker would be a Congressman [sic] who said catching Osama bin Laden would not make America any safer.” Any bets on whether Pelosi will fail to point out that if Bush had done his job properly in the last five years, that wouldn’t still be a hypothetical question?

Parallel to that remark is one from Maliki today, hoping for a quick execution of Saddam Hussein, which he says would help defeat the insurgency. Keep dreaming, Nouri, keep dreaming.

On a visit to Russia in August, Spain’s king Juan Carlos shot a bear. Turns out, it was a tame bear (named Mitrofan) who’d been liquored up with honey mixed with vodka (they got the recipe from Boris Yeltsin’s cookbook 101 Easy Meals Using Only Honey and Vodka).

Talking about Iraq in the ABC interview, Bush said, “I define success or failure as whether schools are being built or hospitals are being opened.” The London Times notes that the last hospital built in Iraq, and that the attempt by the occupying authorities to build a pediatric hospital in Basra has bogged down due to financial mismanagement. Patrick Cockburn also writes about Iraqi health care today, noting that hospital basements are being used as prisons, that doctors have been kidnapped and killed in large numbers, and many have sensibly fled the country, that it is “only possible to reach the front door of one of the main children’s hospitals in Baghdad by jumping over a stream of raw sewage.”

How to make interesting the 5 millionth picture of wreckage left by a roadside bomb in Baghdad, wondered AFP photographer Sabah Arar. I know, I’ll shoot it through the spokes of a bicycle wheel!

The Chimp meets the Macaca

In the previous post, I was just making up the thing about Bush being promised ice cream. But here he is after the Sherwood fundraiser.



Then he went out pumpkin-shopping with George “Macaca” Allen, seen here, on the left, demonstrating his technique for throwing pumpkins at black people’s houses.



Bush then attended a fundraiser for Allen, of whom he said, “He doesn’t need a poll or a focus group to tell him what to think or what to say.” Although he evidently does need them to tell him when to shut the fuck up.

Pictures from the fundraiser:




If you hadn’t guessed, this is a Caption Contest.

Less than a baseball season

Rumsfeld complained (at something called the Air University) that people are impatient with the failed Maliki regime. Why, he exclaims, it’s only been in power 150 days, “That’s less than a baseball season. Think of that. And yet we’re impatient. I’m impatient. Everyone’s impatient.” Will someone please take Rummy out to the ball game, take him out with the crowd, buy him some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, I don’t care if he ever comes back.

Rummy talked about how Coalition forces build schools and whatnot to make it “worthwhile” for Afghans and Iraqis to support democracy. Which is funny, because it’s not actually a native democracy but foreign occupiers who are (supposedly) supplying those things. Sez the Rumster, “For each house that receives clean, running water and electricity for the first time, there is a tangible incentive to keep that house free of extremists or weapons that would place it at risk.” Actually, we seem to be doing a better job ensuring that those houses have a steady supply of weapons and hot and cold running extremists than electricity and hot and cold running water.

Let’s not go crazy, folks. All Bush said was that Iraq “could be” comparable to the Tet Offensive. What he meant was, “it could be, depending on who or what Tet is, you didn’t really think I’d know, did you?” Except, of course, Bush can’t admit to his own ignorance – he thinks we don’t all know he’s ignorant, isn’t that adorable? – so it’s not much of an admission. Also, the Republicans live in an alternative universe where Tet was just a propaganda victory for the Bad Vietnamese, and the war was winnable if not for the peacenik cut and runners. Tony Insert-Snow-Related-Pun-Here characterizes Tet and Iraq as “attempt[s] to use images as a way of influencing public opinion” and says that “the president is determined it’s not going to happen with Iraq, because you have a president who is determined to win.” And LBJ and Nixon were determined to lose?

This, by the way, is Bush’s Determined Face.


Replaced a moment later by glee, because... Ice cream! They promised him ice cream!! if he went to a fundraiser!!!



The fundraiser was for Don Sherwood, who is running on a policy of shipping Robin Hood off to Guantanamo.

Man, was that a weak joke.

But Bush also put in a good word for Joe Lieberman:

This summer, we saw what happens when a Democrat rejects his party’s doctrine of cut and run. Senator Joe Lieberman, a three-term Democrat from Connecticut, supports completing the mission in Iraq, supports victory in Iraq. And for taking this stand, he was purged from his party. Think about what that means. Six years ago, the Democrats thought Joe Lieberman was good enough to run for Vice President of the United States. Now, because he supports victory in Iraq, they don’t think he’s fit to be in their party. There’s only position in the Democrat Party that everybody seems to agree on: If you want to be a Democrat these days, you can be for almost anything, but victory in Iraq is not an option.

Defeated in an election = purged.

He claimed, “You know, there’s an interesting debate in the world about whether or not liberty is universal or not.” Really? Where is this debate taking place? The Oxford Union? Are Norm and Cliff debating this in Cheers?

If you were wondering, Bush is on the Pro side.

Two BBC headlines that you click on, even in the certain knowledge that the actual story will be disappointing:

Oslo gay animal show draws crowds

US undertakers admit corpse scam

Uncle Chimpy doesn’t want you?

Bush went to a school to talk about No Child Left Behind yesterday, and something he said struck me: “I oftentimes say to people that are asking me about -- do you have any recommendations for what I should be doing, and my answer is, teach.” Given how many times he says that being in the US military is the “highest calling,” isn’t it funny that he never seems to encourage people to pick that as a career option?

Kazakhstan, in the middle of its campaign to prove that it is not as backward as the Borat movie might suggest, just issued new bank notes with the word “bank” misspelled.

Cute WaPo headline: “Moderates in Kansas Decide They’re Not in GOP Anymore.”

I have no idea who she’s talking about

Asked whether North Korea will test another nuclear weapon, Rummy Rumsfeld brings his customary clarity, to the enlightenment of us all: “We’ve seen them do things in multiples rather than singles... There is speculation that they might want to do something additional. There’s also speculation they may not.”

George Bush issued a statement celebrating the birth of the US’s estimated 300 millionth person: “Our continued growth is a testament to our country’s dynamism”. Is that what they’re calling it these days?

From part 2 of Bush’s interview by (shudder) Bill O’Reilly:

O’REILLY: Let me to read you what Hillary Clinton... said about this bill that you voted against, this detain decree bill you’re signing today: “If enacted, this law would give license to this administration to pick people up off the streets of the United States and hold them indefinitely without charges and without legal recourse.”

BUSH: You mean pick the enemy up off the streets?

O’REILLY: She says people — “pick people up off the streets.”

BUSH: I don’t know who she’s talking about. But this law will enable us to find people who would like to kill Americans. Al Qaeda, Al Qaeda affiliates and be able to find out their plans and be able — more protect this country. I have no idea who she’s talking about.

Illogical

Bush was interviewed a couple of days ago by (shudder) Bill O’Reilly.

O’REILLY: Sixty percent of Americans are now against the Iraq War. Why?

BUSH: Because they want us to win. They believe - they are wondering whether or not we have the plans in place to win. They want to know whether or not we have the flexibility on the ground to constantly meet the enemy.

...

O’REILLY: Is one of the reasons they’ve turned against the war in Iraq is that the anti-Bush press pounds day in and day out in newspapers, on the network news, in books like Bob Woodward’s, that you don’t know what you’re doing there. You have no have a strategy. You don’t listen to dissent. You’ve got this thing in your mind and you’re stubborn and you just can’t win it.

BUSH: Well, I’m disappointed that people would propagandize to that effect because the stakes are too high for that kind of illogical behavior.

So to summarize, Americans oppose the war because they want to win the war, and it’s illogical to... oh, I give up, what it’s illogical to do is tug on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, or try to make fun of a man who is already as absurd as it is possible for a human being to be.

A mark of separation

Saddam Hussein accuses the prosecutors in his trial of dividing Iraqis by giving evidence of his repression of the Kurds, and selflessly offers to give up being tried. For the children. For the children.

Speaking of children, everyone should lay off Madonna. That’s her African baby, she’s got a receipt and everything.

Tony Blair has weighed into the British discussion of whether Muslim women should wear the veil. Any feminist substance in this debate was sidelined pretty early on, perhaps because of the paradox of trying to claim that Jack Straw was just trying to protect Muslim women from being told what to wear by men when he, a man, was telling them to take their veils off, but more likely because British politicians and pundits don’t really care about the women as individuals but as symbols of Muslim Otherness.

Blair said that the veil is a “mark of separation, and that is why it makes other people from outside the community feel uncomfortable.” Clearly, then, they should take their lead from Tony Blur himself, who has never quite admitted to being a Catholic because it would have been bad for his political career, and who changes his accent according to what audience he’s addressing. He says there is a need for British Muslims to get “the balance right between integration and multi-culturalism,” which may be more or less true as a general principle, but becomes coercive and intolerant when expressed as a command by the prime minister. As for the notion that bigots people outside a community who feel uncomfortable should have some sort of a veto over the appearance of members of that community, that’s a shameful argument to still be hearing (in the nineteenth century, this logic was used to ban Salvation Army processions, which often came under attack from hooligans, until Beatty v. Gillbanks [1882] overturned that logic of the mob veto and said that peaceful activities could not be banned simply because other people reacted to them violently; the point of my historical digression is that Blair’s line of argument was considered and rejected as being unfair to people peacefully practicing their religions by those epitomes of tolerance, the freaking Victorians) (and the Sally Army had those great big drums, which is surely a lot more annoying than the inability to see a woman’s hair). (Update: just as I was ready to post, I saw Blair’s press conference on C-SPAN. He didn’t just say that the Muslims need to get the balance right, etc, he said “people” meaning non-Muslims “need to know that” British Muslims are getting the balance right. So the judgment of what the right balance is, how much Muslim-ness Muslims are allowed to express, is to be made not by the Muslims but by everyone else.)


While Blair is whittering on about getting the balance right between integration and multi-culturalism, the Rev. Ian Paisley may become prime minister of Northern Ireland next month, although maybe not because he just stormed out of talks in an attempt to force Sinn Féiners to swear an oath supporting not just the law, but the Northern Irish police (whose current name I forget, but were provocatively entitled the Royal Ulster Constabulary until a couple of years ago) (No wait, I remember there was a plan to call them the Northern Irish Police Service, then someone realized what the acronym would be...)

Blair also said that British military forces would not “walk away” from Iraq or Afghanistan. I should hope not; that would be quite a long walk.

Calling evil by its name

Today Bush signed the Torture Bill. He said this: “This nation will call evil by its name.” He also said this: “I want to thank the Vice President for joining me today.”


Just sayin’.

We have to use drones

Bush held an Iftaar dinner at the White House, which I’m sure was in no way awkward. Some of the guests were Muslim paramedics and members of the NYPD who were at the Twin Towers. He told them, “All of you bring credit to your faith,” which I’m sure they did not see as being in any way condescending.

This is Bush bowing his head during the prayer...


delivered by this man, Imam Talal Eid.


We can all be grateful that Bush resisted the temptation to grab the hat off his head and try it on.


The population of the United States will reach 300 million Tuesday morning. Could everyone scootch over a bit? Thank you.

I haven’t seen the Connecticut senatorial debate, but I gather the Republican tried to distinguish himself by attacking illegal immigration. “We have to use drones,” he said. At which point Lieberman said, “Hey, I resent that!”

Lieberman droned that Lamont’s “finger-pointing... is the last thing Washington needs more of,” adding, “There’s too much personal hatred.” He did not say how much personal hatred was the optimal amount. No one ever does, and I’d really like to know.

Militias should reconsider their existence

Secretary of War Rumsfeld calls the Iraq war “winnable and doable,” adding, “Yeah, I’d totally do Iraq.”

Bush phoned Iraqi PM Maliki to assure him that there will be no “timetables,” that no matter how big a failure Maliki is, and however long he’s a big failure, the US will continue to back him. To prove this continuing support, the White House released this picture of Bush talking to Maliki on the telephone.


Maliki, so inspired by the idea that timetables for US troop withdrawals are a Bad Thing, has decided not to set any timetables for the disbanding of death squads and militias: “Regarding setting a time, I don’t think we could determine it specifically. The problem of militias, in countries throughout the world, requires time. The most important thing is that we have started and started strong. We have given a clear message: Militias should reconsider their existence.” So maybe the end of this year, he tells USA Today, maybe early next year, you know, whatever. “The problem that we face in disbanding militias — and the militias have to be disbanded — is that there are procedures, steps that need to taken, which take time.” Procedures. So people will continue to be blown up, beheaded, tortured with electric drills, etc, because of red tape. That darned paper work, it’ll get ya every time.

But Maliki said those procedures are just humming along. A week ago, for example, he “formed a committee to work on disbanding militias”.

It’s also a question of PR: “During the period of time required for this approach, our security forces become stronger and the crimes committed by militias become clearer and clearer to everyone. Then, when we confront the militias, there will be no negative reaction to confronting them, especially from the people.”

So anyway, that’s the guy Bush called today to tell we still support him.

Fully inform voters

More fun with the California voter pamphlet: candidate statements.

These statements cost the candidates $20 per word, which we know from the statement of the Green Party candidate for insurance commissioner, who spent $20 per word to complain about having to spend $20 per word: “Candidate statements, once free, now cost $20 per word. Fight pay-to-play government—Vote Green.” Is pay-to-play $20 or $60? The Green running for treasurer (who actually has a fairly lengthy statement), says “Corporate money should not buy political influence, so I don’t take contributions from big business!” I’m sure they were lined up around the block, too.

While that $20 per word cost scared off some of the poorer campaigns, like that of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it produced a commendable pithiness from the Peace and Freedom candidate for controller: “Raise taxes on the rich; lower taxes on workers.” In others, it just produced irony. Here is the complete statement of the Libertarian candidate for secretary of state: “Fully inform voters.” Some candidates just direct you elsewhere: the Greens’ controller candidate asks, “For details of why I have hope, please see my website...”

The P & F candidate for governor suggests “VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE! NOT YOUR FEAR!” Um, okay. The Libertarian candidate for lieut. governor wants us to vote for conscientious objector status in the war on drugs, running on a Marijuana Peace Plan platform (“Please join with me and Willie Nelson to help save family farms with industrial hemp”). Last time around the Libby candidate for this post ran on a platform of legalizing the ownership of ferrets.

The Green candidate for Lite Gov tells us “Don’t be fuelish” – and instantly lost any chance I’d vote for her.

The Democratic candidate for secretary of state isn’t bad, and states that “California must never be like Florida or Ohio,” which is true for just so many reasons, but I think voting rights would be better protected by someone from a smaller party. Unfortunately, the P & F candidate, while calling for new technology to improve voter turnout rather than give us insecure and faulty voting systems, has her email account at Hotmail. And the Green Party’s aptly named Forrest Hill explains, “I am a Financial Advisor with a Ph.D. from MIT in Marine Biology. I have the qualifications to fix our system and bring Free and Fair elections to California.” Only if global warming continues and we’re all voting underwater.

The Green candidate for attorney general tells us, “Most Californians prefer life imprisonment without parole to the death penalty.” Er, personally, I don’t think I’d particularly enjoy either one.

Fortunately, if the two-party system too often seems like a choice between lethal injection and life imprisonment without parole, we do have other options. So read their statements to be fully informed, check their websites to find out why they have hope, vote your conscience not your fear, join Willie Nelson, don’t be fuelish, and make sure that California is never ever like Florida or Ohio.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear

GeeDubya spoke about North Korea in his weekly radio address, using his current favorite word “clear” three times in as many minutes: “The logic behind this approach is clear”, “we will send a clear message to the North Korean regime”, “Our goals remain clear”. For an easily confused man, clarity (some might say over-simplifying) is a virtue even in a completely impotent policy.

The US accidentally paid for 328 men in Swaziland to be circumcised. Yes, you could click here for more details, but honestly, isn’t “The US accidentally paid for 328 men in Swaziland to be circumcised” already a kind of perfect news story?

A presidential candidate in Catalonia, Albert Rivera, has appeared naked in a poster (and believe me, I tried hard to find a Homage to Catalonia pun, but failed). The caption (which is about overcoming the divisive Catalan politics of identity through the power of public nudity, or something): “We don’t care where you were born. We don’t care which language you speak. We don’t care what kind of clothes you wear. We care about you.”


Speaking of caring about you, it’s time for some more personal ads from the London Review of Books (LRB):

I suppose the end began with me paying for the meal and all the drinks. The brief relationship was practically over by the time he told me that he hadn’t brought cash with him and could I pay for the taxi? The formal departure, however, came with his attempt to push his debit card into my mouth and tap out his pin number on my forehead after I’d asked simply ‘do you think I’m an ATM?’ (You know who you are). LRB-reading men – either you have small change always about your person or it’s long walk home back from beautiful and, until last Friday week, reasonably tolerant of even the most stupid of men F (London, 43). Box no. 18/03

This advert originally contained a 300-word paragraph about cats but I edited it out. Woman, 36. Box no. 18/04

Stare at the back of your hand for 30 seconds. Now stare at this advert for 15 seconds while squinting your eyes. Now fully open your eyes and stare at the back of your hand for another 30 seconds. And again at your hand. Now stare at your mother. Back of your hand. Advert. Hand. Advert. Mother. Mother. Hand. Mother. Wall. Feet. Now wipe the tears away. Back at the hand. Advert. Hand. Mother. Man, 43. Hand. Advert. Mother. Hand. Hand. Hand. Box no. 18/07. Mother.

My winning streak in this column is about to come to an abrupt halt with the placing of this ad. Man. 38. Box no. 19/06

I composed this advert on the anniversary of the first performance of Das Rheingold for a very good reason. Man, 59. Box no. 19/08

I got it bad and that ain’t good. Amateur jazz singer (F, 54) seeks glockenspielist/gynocologist for nights of atonal ramblings through both my medicine cabinet and your prescription pad. No crazies. Box no. 20/05

Consult the spirits to measure our compatibility:
YES NO
ABCDEFGHIJKLM
NOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Goodbye Box no. 20/09

At first I was sceptical about writing this ad but slowly the idea won me over. Box no. 20/10

[More of my LRB favorites here.]

Caption contest:

It’s a small, um, ahem, *cough* after all

George Bush has declared Oct. 15-21 National Character Counts Week. Nope, I can’t think of a single solitary snarky thing to say about that.

Carl Truscott, director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms 2004-6, abused agency resources by, among other things, ordering 20 employees to help his nephew make a documentary about the ATF for a high school project. The nephew received an A, so your tax dollars weren’t completely wasted.

The US will pump up to $42m into Palestinian politics, three times as much as was spent by all the main parties in January’s elections, to build up an opposition to Hamas and, according to an official document, “create democratic alternatives to authoritarian or radical Islamist political options”. I don’t know what sort of “alternatives” can be “created” by a foreign nation’s secret funding, but they can’t be deemed “democratic” by any reasonable definition of the word.

Speaking of America exporting its ideology, employees at EuroDisney in France filmed themselves simulating sex while in costume (Goofy and Minnie got it on, evidently). Sadly, Disney forced YouTube to take down the video, so I haven’t seen it, and shall feel for the rest of my life that I have missed out on something glorious.