Good blessings of life

Wednesday Bush met with Ehud Olmert and said “Iran is an existential threat to peace”. One might almost suspect that George does not know what the word existential means, but that couldn’t be right, could it?

Could it?

And today he went to the American Red Cross hq to talk in his inimitable style about earthquake relief for China: “There’s no question this is a major human disaster that requires a strong response from the Chinese government, which is what they’re providing, but it also responds [sic] a compassionate response from nations to whom -- that have got the blessings, good blessings of life, and that’s us.” Yes it is.

Caption contest

Stupid Hollywood remake idea of the day: My Fair Lady, with Keira Knightley.

Don’t feel bloggery right now. Be dears and caption this for me:

An impressive man who makes a great first impression

Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni called Iran the “neighborhood bully.”

Speaking of the neighborhood bully, McCain, although he only labeled Obama a “liberal” once in his speech tonight (guess the R’s finally realized that most people don’t spit and cross themselves when they hear that word), suggests that the R strategy of running against the 1960s hasn’t changed, even against a candidate who was actually born in the 1960s: “But, the choice is between the right change and the wrong change; between going forward and going backward. ... The solution to our problems isn’t to reach back to the 1960s and 70s for answers.” Does anyone really think electing Obama would be “going backward”?

For that matter, is it actually possible to “go backward” from the Bush administration?


I rather enjoyed McCain’s condescending line that Obama “is an impressive man who makes a great first impression.”

I rather less enjoyed McCain’s condescending line that Obama had been named the D nominee by “pundits and party elders have declared that Sen. Obama will be my opponent.” Be as dismissive of Obama as you like, but someone who claims to be above partisan politics should show a little less contempt for the voters.

Chickenhawk, meet Jayhawks

New law: H.R. 2356, which encourages the display of the flag of the United States on Father’s Day. Why?

Due to a freak accident during a meeting with the NCAA winners, the University of Kansas Jayhawks, George Bush’s head is replaced by a basketball.

What we need is more priority

Today Bush held a meeting to call for his tax cuts to be made permanent.

THE REMINDERER: “I do want to remind people what life was like in the years 2001 and 2003. The country was having some pretty tough economic times in 2001. Larry, you might remember that period.”

DR. LINDSEY: “I do -- painfully.”

Larry Lindsey, one of his economic advisers in that period, is the guy who was fired for saying that the Iraq War might cost as much as $200 billion.

THE SOPHISTICATES: “clearly the economy was slowing, and so we had to strategize on how to deal with it. And Larry and others agreed that the best way to deal with economic uncertainty is to let people have more of their own money, because we believe that the economy benefits when there’s more money in circulation, in the hands of the people who actually earned it. I know that’s probably not as sophisticated a concept as some of you all up here have articulated, but it’s a concept that worked.”


IT’S CERTAIN THAT REPUBLICANS WILL ALWAYS TRY TO CUT TAXES ON THE RICH: “Let’s make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Our fellow citizens have got to understand that those tax cuts aren’t permanent. In other words, if Congress allows them to expire, here are the consequences: First of all, taxes go up by an average of $280 billion a year...”

WHAT WE BELIEVE: “we believe American families benefit when they have more money to spend.”

WHAT WE NEED: “We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority.”

SO IT SHOULD JUST BE ALL THINGS TO ALL RICH PEOPLE: “People got to set the priorities. Government can’t try to be all things to all people.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “If Congress doesn’t act, 27 [sic] small business owners will face a tax increase of $4,066 on average. In other words, that $4,000, on average, for the small businesses won’t be available for investment, won’t be available for programs that help their employees, will make it harder for them to compete.”

There is a series of moments and this is one of them

Bush, in grr mode:

“Kill them! We are going to wipe them out!”

“There is a series of moments and this is one of them.”

“We are not blinking.”

Also not blinking anymore: PFC Ross McGinnis, 19. Bush awarded him the Medal of Honor today and nuzzled his mother.

Not waving but drowning

George Bush went to church today. This is him waving dolefully before the service:


This is him waving dolefully after the service:


Cheer up, George, at least you didn’t burst into flames. Did Laura not promise there would be ice cream after?

Even I’m not interested in my thoughts about the Puerto Rico primary (update: literally as I was writing that, an email came in for Hillary herself, so I can relay her thoughts on the Puerto Rico primary: “Now there can be no doubt: the people have spoken and you have chosen your candidate.” Just in case you had any doubt), so instead let’s have some more London Review of Books personals, some of which this time are a little creepy. (More of my selected LRB personals can be found here.)

This time next week you’ll think replying to this advert was the best decision you’ve ever made. At the same time you’ll be regretting your choice of footwear. Why? Because dark soles aren’t allowed on my mother’s newly laid laminates. Don’t worry, I’ve already bought you slippers (size four) and pyjamas (size 10) and a brush for your beautiful long red hair (I’ve had ‘Susan’ engraved on the handle, that’s what I’d like to call you). Size 10 Susans with size four feet, please, reply to box no. 10/02 You can be any age but if you’re 42 with a birthday on September 6 it will be a distinct advantage. Otherwise we can just pretend. Box no. 10/02

The usual hyperbole infuses this ad with a whiff of playful narcissism and Falstaffian bathos. But scratch below the surface and you’ll soon find that I really am the greatest man ever to have lived. Truly great man, 37. Better than Elvis and Ghandi. You’ll never be a genuinely worthy partner, but try anyway by first replying to box no. 10/03 Include a full list of qualifications, a list of your aspirations, and a full frontal nude body shot. Box no. 10/03

At first glance you may consider me a true modernist in the von Webern sense, but – like him – deep down I’m very much a romantic. As my collection of taxidermied amphibians will testify. Man, 60. Box no. 10/06

This advert is my entry to the LRB’s young person essay writing contest. I won’t win it, however, because it is far too clever by half and also because I’m 62. Man, 62. Far too clever by half. Box no. 10/08

Think of every sexual partner you’ve ever had. I’m nothing like them. Unless you’ve ever slept with a German bulimic cellist called Elsa. Elsa: German bulimic cellist, (F, 37). Box no. 10/09

Fighter Ace, Nobel/Olympic legend, seeks slim lady tired of bullshit.

Mad Dog and Englishman, 24, interested in Wagner, Edwardianism, fortified wines, and debauchery, seeks older women for coy exchanges of Wildean put-downs, followed by forbidden candle-lit passions, leading to clandestine affair, epic betrayal, and eventual Götterdämmerung and redemption. Accountants and Paleontologists need not apply. Box no. 11/03

You’re Helen Mirren. I’m Will Self. One half of this century’s übercouple-to-be seeks tousled fems to 50 for weekends full of recondite wines, obscure blandishments, and winning references to abstruse 11th century sexual practices. No loons. Box no. 11/06

Straight lines

as given by George Bush during a commencement address at Furman University:

“Yet I found, as you will, the world has a way of helping you to grow.”

“Culture of responsibility”

“In the next few years, you may find it tempting to amass more debt... on expenses that bring little long-term benefit.”

“If you choose a career in public service, maintain the highest ethical standards, bring honor to whatever position you hold, and always put the people you serve ahead of yourself.”

“Popular culture can give you the impression that alcohol, drugs, or promiscuity can lead to fulfillment in life. It’s an illusion, and I urge you to reject it.”

“There’s no shame in recognizing your failings”

Unclear on the concept

In his weekly radio address, Bush complains “A month has passed since I nominated Steve [Preston] to be the next Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Unfortunately, Senators have stalled this nomination over an issue that has nothing to do with Steve or his qualifications for the job.” I had to google to find out what the hell he’s talking about, and it turns out the senators in question are Lamar Alexander and Bob Corker, both of Tennessee, who are retaliating against Harry Reid for blocking nominees to the TVA until there are more, or indeed any, Democrats on its board. Bush didn’t mention that the senators he’s complaining about are Republicans. Funny that.

Funny-sad story of the day: women supporters of Al Qaida are complaining about sexism in the organization.

I can look you in the eye and tell you it’s succeeding

All week McCain has been trying to score cheap points off Obama for only having visited Iraq once – 873 days ago as an email from his campaign helpfully points out. Funny how he knew that number but not whether the number of US troops stationed in Iraq was greater or less than before the “surge.” The whole thing puts some of McCain’s worst traits on display.

First, he is every bit as smugly superior, self-regarding and condescending as Joe Lieberman, although it doesn’t come across as blatantly.

Second, he will not admit to mistakes even in checkable statements of fact, much less mistakes in judgment. George Bush has taught us how dangerous that sort of stubbornness can be. McCain claimed “We have drawn down to pre-surge levels,” but when caught out, weasely tried to edit the last three words out of his own statement in order to pretend that he hadn’t erred: “I said we have drawn down. And we have drawn down.”

Third, his approach to information-gathering and analysis seems to be dangerously unsophisticated. Just as Bush privileges his “instinct” over the, you know, facts, McCain has been going on and on about Obama having “zero first hand knowledge of conditions on the ground” and not having “take[n] the opportunity to sit down with General Petraeus and learn about the situation in Iraq firsthand” (quotes taken from two campaign emails), as if only the information one can gather with one’s own eyes or ears counts and as if such information is sufficient. John McCain don’t hold with none o’ those new-fangled forms of communicating data, like writing and film footage and statistics etc etc – after all, they didn’t have any of those things when he was growing up. It’s not just an anti-Obama talking point, either: he told reporters “I can look you in the eye and tell you it’s [the surge] succeeding,” as if his physical presence, his ability to look someone in the eye while making his claim, somehow proves the veracity of that claim. A president has to make decisions about literally thousands of issues he cannot personally investigate. Plus, of course, McCain is perfectly capable of personally investigating Iraq by spending a couple of days there, visiting a market surrounded by a hundred soldiers, and think he has gleaned the reality of the situation.

McCain is belittling not only Obama, but the vast majority of the citizenry as well. Many Americans will base their votes in November in large part on the war, but if McCain can dismiss as without value the considered opinion of a United States senator who has only visited Iraq once, in what low esteem must he hold the views of those of us who have the impudence to form them without ever having been there?

Bonus Bush-looking-like-a-doofus pictures!

More pictures from yesterday’s Air Force Academy graduation ceremony, including a nice sequence from the AP’s Charles Dharapak.

Better killing through technology

Today Bush gave the commencement address at the United States Air Force Academy.


The speech was interesting for its theme of the ways in which “revolutionary advances in technology are transforming warfare.” See if this version of the last six years accord with your memory of that period: “With this military technology, we can now target a regime without targeting an entire nation. We’ve removed two cruel regimes in weeks instead of years.” And then we all lived happily ever after.


And future wars will be even neater: “with these advances, we can work toward this noble goal: defeating the enemies of freedom while sparing the lives of many more innocent people -- which creates another opportunity, and that is, by making war more precise, we can make war less likely. For hostile dictators, it is a powerful deterrent to know that America is willing and able to target their regimes directly. When rulers know we can strike their regime while sparing their populations, they realize they cannot hide behind the innocent -- and that means they are less likely to start conflicts in the first place.” Less likely... to start... oh, my poor head.


Our enemies, however, will not use our super-keen, super-clean hi-tech warfare, scum that they are, but will engage in the bad kind of warfare: asymmetric warfare. Remember: in our wars, any suffering of the innocent is caused only by the other side. “They take advantage of the information age and the 24-hour news cycles, creating images of chaos and suffering for the cameras, in the hope that these images will horrify the American people and undermine resolve and morale here at home.” They don’t know us very well, do they?


“Another challenge in this new and unprecedented era is defining success. In the past, that was relatively easy to do. There were public surrenders, a signing ceremony on the deck of a battleship, victory parades in American cities. Today, when the war continues after the regime has fallen, the definition of success is more complicated. So in Iraq and Afghanistan, we set a clear definition of success: Success will come when al Qaida has no safe haven in those countries and the people can protect themselves from terror. Success will come when Iraq and Afghanistan are economically viable. Success will come when Iraq and Afghanistan are democracies that govern themselves effectively and respond to the will of their people. Success will come when Iraq and Afghanistan are strong and capable allies on the war on terror.” Er, George, “clear definition”? There isn’t one of those criteria that isn’t entirely subjective.

(Update: more pictures in the next post)

Book report

Press Secretary Dana Peroxide says that Bush probably won’t comment on the memoirs of her predecessor Scotty McClellan, who she describes as “disgruntled”: “The book, as reported by the press, has been described to the President.”

Well, sir, a book is a bunch of pages, with printed words on them...

What (sniff) happened

Scott “Flopsweat” McClellan has a book out. He says that in 2000 he overheard Bush telling someone that he couldn’t remember if he’d used cocaine or not. Little Scotty writes, “I remember thinking to myself, ‘How can that be?’”

Er, he can’t remember taking cocaine because he took a really, really, really large amount of cocaine?

This has been another edition of simple answers to simple questions.

It means there’s jobs at the machine-makin’ place

Today, Bush went to Arizona. Look how excited he is!


Many little bottles of tequila later, he arrived in Phoenix, still pretty excited, but smelling vaguely of urine.


Before the top-secret McCain fundraiser, he went on a field trip to the Silverado Cable Company, possibly to complain about HBO’s “Recount” (which was superb, by the way), only it’s not that sort of cable company but, evidently, “a well-established and highly respected manufacturer of custom wire harnesses and cable assemblies.”


AND NOTHING STIMULATES ACTIVITY LIKE A NEW LASER MACHINE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN: “these guys were showing me a new laser machine they purchased this year, and they purchased it this year because the stimulus package provided a tax incentive to do that. And the reason why that’s important is when the economy slowed down, we wanted to stimulate activity.”


HE’S GOT AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there’s jobs at the machine-makin’ place”.

THEY DREAMED ABOUT CUSTOM WIRE HARNESSES AND CABLE ASSEMBLIES: “Congratulations on being dreamers and doers.”

An awesome bunch of dead people

Bush gave his Memorial Day speech at Arlington today.

HE FEELS PROUD AT [SIC], BUT NOT AT ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR: “On this Memorial Day, I stand before you as the Commander-in-Chief and try to tell you how proud I am at the sacrifice and service of the men and women who wear our uniform.”


AWESOME, DUDE! “They’re an awesome bunch of people and the United States is blessed to have such citizens.”

He presented this awesome bunch of people as tin soldiers without recognizably human emotions: “Like the nation they serve, they do not glory in the devastation of war. They also do not flinch from combat when liberty and justice are embattled.” They may flinch every time a car backfires for the rest of their lives, but good luck getting help from the VA.

Then it was time to look all squinty and somber-like.

Wherein is revealed the best way to create economic vitality

Friday, Bush was interviewed by Neil Cavuto on the Fox Business Network, mostly about the Colombian free-trade treaty, defeat of which “will embolden those voices of false populism, like I’m not going to say, people who are anti-American.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “If you look at the statistics, 40 percent of the economic growth that occurred over the past year is as a result of exports. In other words, we’ve had problems at home.”

ONE AMAZED AND TWO VERY CONCERNED: “I mean, these leaders that I talk to - and I talk to leaders a lot - are just, one, amazed and, two, very concerned that the United States is turning inward.”

HE HAS AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “You know, people who worry about global poverty, for example -- and I do - must understand that the best way to help people come out of poverty is for there to be economic vitality. And the best way to create economic vitality is for there to be trade of goods and services.” Or capture a leprechaun and get his pot of gold. You know, whichever.

Asked if he might ask for help from Bill Clinton and other pro-trade-treaty D’s, he said that he would indeed reach out to “former Democrat administrative officials.” Democrat. Just can’t help himself (and couldn’t bring himself to utter his predecessor’s name, any more than he could Hugo Chavez’s).

When killing unarmed civilians is appropriate

The Marines have decided not to charge two officers in the unit that responded to an explosion in Afghanistan in March 2007 by shooting up an entire highway for six miles as they rode to safety, killing 19 civilians. The Marines say that they “acted appropriately and in accordance with the rules of engagement and tactics, techniques and procedures in place at the time in response to a complex attack”. So that’s okay, then. The findings of the Court of Inquiry will be kept secret.

I delayed commenting on the report that Chinese officials, presumably secret police, were allowed to interrogate Chinese prisoners at Guantanamo after their American captors had softened them up with sleep deprivation (possibly the same prisoners who were ultimately sent to Albania because they would have been tortured if sent back to China), because I assumed there would be more information or official comment forthcoming, but that would have required politicians or journalists giving a rat’s ass.

Makeover

Today, Bush greeted the motorcycle gang Rolling Thunder on the South Lawn. But there was something wrong: George had come dressed as The Man.

For the three of you reading blogs today, a CAPTION CONTEST:

Headlines

Headline of the Day (the Independent): “Hindu Shrine Staff Win Right to Keep Their Underpants On.”

The Indy also brings us “The Man Who Eats Cat Food for a Living.”

And the AP tells us, “FDA Warns Mothers about Nipple Cream,” which is more provocative if you don’t read the actual story.