Friday, July 29, 2011

Daily Telegraphy: Kitler, gay alligators, humble days, and juggler’s hat sex acts

Headlines of the Day, from the One True Source of All News:

“Hitler Cat Fails to Find Home.” Poor Kitler.

“Judge Tells Teacher Sex Offender: ‘I don’t criticise you for being attracted to children.’”
A (female) judge with a record of leniency towards sex criminals – “In 2008, she allowed former headmaster Phillip Carmichael to walk free from court after accepting that medication for Parkinson’s disease had turned him into a paedophile” – who maybe shouldn’t have been given this kiddie porn case. “Reading Crown Court was told that the teaching assistant became alarmed after noticing files on Armstrong’s laptop with names including ‘rape wife’, ‘nude model’ and ‘gay alligator’.”

Gay alligator?

“Jonnie Marbles” is convicted of pieing Rupert Murdoch. “The part-time stand-up comic emerged from court and said: ‘I would just like to say this has been the most humble day of my life.’”

“Harry Potter Dwarf Spared Jail over Juggler’s Hat Sex Act.” To clarify, he is a dwarf in real life and a goblin in Harry Potter (and an Ewok in Return of the Jedi). “It is understood that Read has recently been hiring himself out to stag parties, offering to be handcuffed to the stag while dressed as a diminutive fictional character such as a Smurf or Oompa-Loompa.”

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