Thursday, March 15, 2012

As they would say in Britain, we got thrashed

Obama held a press conference with David Cameron yesterday. According to him, people are really interested in the fact that the two of them went to that basketball game yesterday. “Some have asked how it came about.”

I’M PRETTY SURE THAT MEANS “HAD GAY SEX.” EVERYTHING THEY SAY IN BRITAIN MEANS “HAD GAY SEX.” “During my visit to London last year, David arranged for us to play some local students -- table tennis. As they would say in Britain, we got thrashed.”

I’M PRETTY SURE THAT MEANS “HAVE GAY SEX” TOO: “That said, I’m still trying to get David to fill out his bracket.”

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, AND I THINK YOU DO: “We’ve just finished up a very good discussion, and it was a reminder of why I value David’s leadership and partnership so much.”

MAN, IT’S JUST ALL ABOUT THE GAY SEX WITH THESE TOO: “Between us, we have the largest investment relationship in the world”.

“TEAMS,” HUH? “and we’ve instructed our teams to continue to explore ways to increase transatlantic trade and investment.”

SEX SEX SEX: “And I very much appreciate David’s perspective on the fiscal situation in the eurozone, where both our countries... are deeply connected.”

THAT MOMENTUM WON’T BREAK ITSELF, YOU KNOW: He refers rather indirectly to some unspecified “tragic events of recent days” in Afghanistan. But insists that “we can never forget” that “our forces are making very real progress: dismantling al Qaeda; breaking the Taliban’s momentum; and training Afghan forces so that they can take the lead and our troops can come home.” Just like they’ve been claiming to be doing every day for more than a decade now.

THREAT: “We also discussed the continuing threat posed by Iran’s failure to meet its international obligations.” If Iran were actually developing nukes, that might arguably constitute a “threat,” but failing to meet international obligations does not.

THE GAY SEXIEST REFERENCE YET: “We believe there is still time and space to pursue a diplomatic solution, and we’re going to keep coordinating closely with our P5-plus-1 partners.”

IF ONLY BECAUSE HE’S NOT IMMORTAL: “I’ll say it again: Assad will leave power. It’s not a question of if, but when.”

IT’S TIME: “We also think it’s important that there is a political aspect to this -- that all the various factions and ethnic groups inside of Afghanistan recognize that it’s time to end 30 years of war.” You make it sound like that 30 years of war is entirely their fault, like the countries that keep invading them don’t have something to do with it.

OBAMA ENTERING CONDESCENDING MODE IN 3..2..1.. “you asked why is it that poll numbers indicate people are interested in ending the war in Afghanistan. It’s because we’ve been there for 10 years, and people get weary, and they know friends and neighbors who have lost loved ones as a consequence of war.” Yeah, that’s it, the American people are “weary,” it’s not that they’ve come to a considered judgment that this is a failed mess.

Obama gives what may be a new justification for stopping Iran developing nukes: “It would embolden terrorists in the region who might believe that they could act with more impunity if they were operating under the protection of Iran.” I’m not sure how that “protection” would actually work, but by all means let’s base our foreign policy on what terrorists “might believe.”

WAS IT THE GIGGLING THAT GAVE THEM AWAY? “We will do everything we can to resolve this diplomatically, but ultimately, we’ve got to have somebody on the other side of the table who’s taking this seriously.”

THE FASTEST WAY TO END THE KILLING: Cameron: “We think that the fastest way to end the killing, which is what we all want to see, is for Assad to go.”

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