Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Obama goes to Afghanistan to spike the football, and by football, I mean bin Laden’s bullet-ridden corpse

So Obama went to Afghanistan to celebrate Hey-Do-You-Remember-How-I-Totally-Killed-Bin-Laden-That-Time Day. First he visited with the troops, who may have noticed that their lives were totally unchanged as a result of that killing.

IT’S FRANCE, AND THAT GUY STOLE SOME BREAD, AND THAT OTHER GUY IS CHASING HIM, RIGHT? “And I know that sometimes, out here, when you’re in theater, it’s not clear whether folks back home fully appreciate what’s going on.”

AND YET... “We did not choose this war...”

AND YET... “We don’t go looking for a fight.”

YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO SEXY: “But when we see our homeland violated...”

BECAUSE WHEN YOU’RE THERE, IT’S A TOTAL BUZZ-KILL: “And when you’re missing a birthday or you’re missing a soccer game or when you’re missing an anniversary, and those of us back home are able to enjoy it, it’s because of you.”

CUE PORN MUSIC: “And I want everybody here to know that when you get home, we are going to be there for you when you’re in uniform and we will stay there for you when you’re out of uniform.”

Later, he gave an address to the nation (the American nation, not the nation he was actually in, which was just the backdrop, well Bagram Air Base was the backdrop, so not even really that).

He said that the agreement he signed with Karzai will bring about “a future in which war ends, and a new chapter begins.” A new chapter? So this whole thing was just a chapter? How the fuck long is this book, anyway?

“Where can I get me one of those hats?

“And so, 10 years ago, the United States and our allies went to war to make sure that al Qaeda could never again use this country to launch attacks against us.” Note that that goal could be accomplished either by destroying Al Qaida or by destroying the country...

FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS: “Despite initial success, for a number of reasons, this war has taken longer than most anticipated.” Basically the only thing he’ll admit went wrong is the time-frame.

THERE’S THAT (UNDEFINED) WORD AGAIN: “We broke the Taliban’s momentum.”

Today’s agreement includes “shared commitments to combat terrorism and strengthen democratic institutions... advance development and dignity for their people... transparency and accountability, and to protect the human rights of all Afghans”. Wow, all that from this particular piece of paper, makes you wonder why we didn’t think of that long ago.

OUT OF BUTTER: “Our goal is not to build a country in America’s image”.

WHAT HE RECOGNIZES: “I recognize that many Americans are tired of war.” So it’s a purely emotional reaction, not a reasoned critique of a failed policy or a principled opposition to organized violence. We just all need a good nap and we’ll be as right as rain. This dismissive “tired of war” crap, which Bush also used a lot, really pisses me off.

BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS UPHOLDING HUMAN DIGNITY LIKE A DECADE-LONG WAR: “Here in Afghanistan, Americans answered the call to defend their fellow citizens and uphold human dignity.”

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