The state of the union is just tickety boo

Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia tells the NY Times that there is no limit to how far women can go in our society. As long as they don’t drive and are accompanied by a male relative and don’t try to leave the country without getting permission from a male relative.

Yet another Bush with a substance abuse problem: Noelle Bush (which I assume is for people who can’t afford a Christmas tree), Jeb’s daughter, caught for prescription fraud.

With communications between India and Pakistan largely cut off, the Pakistanis are resorting to sending over balloons with insulting messages.

Last week Shrub was complaining that Enron had kept its affairs secret and if his mother-in-law had known the true state of Enron’s finances she wouldn’t have lost $8,000. In the State of the Union address he talked about “accountability,” the closest he got to mentioning the biggest domestic issue currently before the nation. But he is also defending the refusal to release the names of contacts of Cheney’s energy task force, defending the government’s “privacy.” Interesting definition of what is private and what is, oh I don’t know, the people’s business.

The Post says that Bush rejected the idea of having a separate speech just for his economic plan, since this one would be dominated by national security. Bush said that economic security is national security. Of course he also insisted yesterday that Enron is a business story and not a political story.

Still, if one were to parse the State of the Union address solely in terms of hypocrisy, well it would certainly be easy. Bush defending liberty and the dignity of every life, quote unquote, for example. All right, he’ll get away with all that stuff. Anyway, when he wasn’t being hypocritical, he was being scarily evangelical. If the head of Amnesty International says that “right, liberty, and justice are true for all people everywhere” [the quote is approximate] it’s one thing, when a president of the US says it, look out.

Again making my point about the nation-state, he accuses the enemies (at least he didn’t use the phrase evil-doers) of seeing the entire world as their battle field. Of course, part of the speech at least finally told us who the next target is, Iraq, not Somalia. Can’t wait. Maybe we should start a pool on the code name: “Operation Desert ______.”

Incidentally, I’ve been hearing the war in Afghanistan referred to as the first war of the 21st century. And people accuse me of being pessimistic. It reminds me of the first book to call World War I by that appellation, in its title yet, published I believe in 1920.

Other quick takes on the speech: the State of the Union has “never been stronger.” What, never? I could have sworn there was a day in 1884, May 13th I believe....

We are now working with Russia, China and India as never before. How did India get on that last?

Especially in tragedy, God is near. Well you know how it is when you’re driving past car crashes, you just have to look.

My economic policy can be summed up in one words: jobs. You just knew it would be a one-syllable word, didn’t you?

Well, since it didn’t make the Washington Post, for some reason, maybe it’s another incident of American self-censorship, or maybe it’ll be all over the news in a day, but evidently Bush has a fairly serious heart condition. That low heart rate he boasts about is not from exercise and is too low to be a good thing, thus the pretzel incident.

White House counsel Alberto Gonzales says that the Geneva Convention is “obsolete” in terms of questioning prisoners. He probably read that book by the French general describing how they got information out of prisoners during the Algerian War (torture and then execute), for which the general was forced to pay a modest fine (for defending it in a book, not for actually doing it). What does France think it is, anyway? Israel?

Yesterday I reiterated my thesis that the wars against Muslims is a war in defense of the nation-state. Today Bush says of the prisoners, “They know no country.” Well sure, they’re in Guantanamo, I’m not even sure what country that is, Cuba or the US.

I heard on NPR but don’t see in tomorrow’s papers that Saudi Arabia, noting that over 100 of its citizens are imprisoned in Guano, wants them back. The US might return prisoners to their nation of origin, NPR says, if they promise to imprison them. Which brings up my point that we are encouraging violations of due process all over the world. What we are asking of Saudi Arabia and other countries is to just put them in jail, no questions asked. Nor is this the only time. Some of the prisoners, as I can’t remember if I mentioned before or not, came from Bosnia; we demanded they be turned over, without presenting any evidence, and it happened. When India demanded that Pakistan arrest militants after the parliament building massacre, Pakistan did, and Bush applauded them for it. No trial of course, just detention.

And justice is doing well, all over the world (theme for the day, or at least the e-mail):

Ashcroft ordered a statue of the Spirit of Justice covered up (boob showing) (worse, he was once photographed next to said boob) (which makes a pair of boobs, of course).

India says that two of the guys who attacked the American Center in Delhi, who were shot dead, confessed to being Pakistanis. Um, just before they died.

Jim Lehrer, who is beginning to give Larry King a run for his money in the softball interview department, talked to Interim Chief Warlord of Afghanistan Karzai today--he’s in the US this week. In an earlier interview, which it will be interesting to see if it’s quoted in the American press--he supported amputation, but only for the rich, who should know better. Hear that, Ken Lay? Well, Bush didn’t cut off Lay’s hand, but he did give him a diminutive name, Kenny Boy.

The US sub Grenville, which last year sunk a Japanese fishing boat, today hit a US warship.

Cheney is still refusing to reveal how closely his energy policy was influenced by Enron. It is a matter of principle: they are fighting to preserve the right of future presidents to receive candid advice from the people who have bought the right to give that advice.

US forces are now on patrol in the Philippines, but only in areas where they’re not expecting any rebels to be. Which means we spent millions to send them on a nature hike.

Evidently the Bush administration defines an illegal combatant as one who is “beyond the control of any state.” A couple of problems with that.

First, I thought we bombed and invaded a whole country that we considered to *be* responsible for them. Second, we didn’t recognize the Afghan government, so, what, no Afghans could take up arms because the US didn’t recognize that they had a state to control them? Third, if we’re going to war with entities that consider themselves beyond the control of any state, does that mean we’re going to invade Enron next?

Still, that definition confirms something I said early on, which is that the Morons Crusade was fought on behalf of the nation-state, any geographically defined nation-state, including the Philippines, Indonesia, China, Pakistan etc, against any (non-corporate) extra-national force or ideology.

A cute NY Times piece on the mayor of Penn., PA, pop 475, who hadn’t been running, but 2 people wrote him in. This is evidently not uncommon in small towns, write-in non-candidates winning. Isn’t that 19-year old mayor who lives at home (Daily Show joke: when his mom tells him to clean his room, he tells her you can’t fight city hall) also from PA? I’d be interested in knowing how many uncontested local elections there are now, and whether we’re gotten to the point where local government is atrophying from lack of interest.

I had a lengthy fight with a Safeway cashier over some chicken breasts today. They were marked two for one, and then additionally $3 off each package because someone had obviously way over-ordered. But the cashier tried to take the $3 off *before* doing the two for one, effectively eliminating one of the two $3 coupons. She never saw my point but eventually gave it to me with a strong sense that she thought I’d gotten away with something. I came close to mentioning that my math SATs were 710 and she was working as a cashier, but didn’t, because that would be wrong.

A Russian group called Walking Together may be worth paying attention to; Putin’s attempt to build a Nazi Youth.

A letter to the Daily Telegraph suggests that instead of sending reps to Guantanamo, they should check for inhumane conditions in the British train system.

Clifford Baxter of Enron commits suicide. Or does he? Three words for the Democrats, especially Hillary Clinton: Vince. Foster. Payback.

London Times headline, about a Chinese shopowner insisting he couldn’t be evicted because of feng shui: “Feng Shui Claim is Ruled Out of Line.”

A Hungarian soap opera filmed a wedding scene using a real registrar, accidentally marrying the stars. Said the actress, I can’t believe I married that idiot.

McNeil-Lehrer had the most obsequious interview today with Colin Powell, mostly over the Middle East, mostly on the subject of why that naughty Mr Arafat won’t obey his masters. No mention of settlements, no mention of yesterday’s car bombing, no mention of assassinations, no, literally no criticism of Israel whatsoever, a lot of talk about how bad it was for the Palestinians to import arms but nothing about the US export of arms to Israel while it assassinates people and blows up tv transmitters and so on.

www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/patriot/index.asp

Asking for increased military spending including yet more military wage increases, Bush calls the military America’s “highest calling.” Yes, like the priesthood, but with more weaponry.

Never thought I’d mention Mariah Carey, who is evidently a very famous singer with large breasts and a larger ego, none of whose songs I’ve ever heard, who was just dropped by her label. Variety headline: Virgin Sacrifices Carey.

So Bush is insisting that not going ahead with a tax cut is exactly the same as a tax increase. But what about Florida, where Jeb Bush just did exactly that? Ari Fleischer: “That’s a state matter, and the president doesn’t weigh in on state matters.” Dick Cheney: “I think if you think about it, you know, what a state does is much more fiscal management, whereas what we’re talking about at the federal level is what really governs the overall shape and direction of our economy.” Go back in your bunker, Dick. Maybe Dubya was the smart one after all.

Speaking of the smart one, Neil Bush has been in Saudi Arabia. I’ve often asked what happened to him, since he got away with murder in the Silverado S & L bankruptcy (sort of the Enron case of its time, I suppose) by pretending to be so stupid that he just had no idea what was going on. He did, of course, and my reading of the case was that he personally took a house as a bribe. Anyway, he was in Saudi giving advice on their PR problems and why those darned Israelis are just so popular in the US, despite their prime minister just having rubbed out a witness against him, execution-style, in Beirut. From a Saudi paper:

Win American hearts through sustained lobbying: Neil Bush
By Khalil Hanware & K.S. Ramkumar, Arab News Staff

JEDDAH, 22 January -- Neil Bush, brother of US President George Bush, said here yesterday that the distorted image of the Arab world could be removed through the sustained lobbying of US politicians.

“The US media campaign against the interests of Arabs and Muslims and the American public opinion on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict could be influenced through a sustained lobbying and PR effort,” Bush, chairman and chief executive officer of Ignite! Inc., said in his keynote address on the concluding day of the three-day Jeddah Economic Forum at Hilton Hotel here.

The support for Israel had been strong for many years because of the strong public opinion in its favor and continuous lobbying by Israeli supporters among politicians. After all, politicians shape policies based on public opinion, he said.

He recalled that many of those whom he had met throughout his travels in the Middle East expressed sorrow, sympathy, anger or concern over the tragic events of Sept. 11 and how it had affected the US.

“Over 3,000 lives were lost through a brutal and horrific act that affected not only Americans but peoples all over the world. I want to express gratitude to all for their support. Without the support of the peace-loving people in this region and all over the world, the US president cannot succeed in his fight against terror,” said Bush, who freely interacted with delegates before he began his speech on “The corporate challenges of human resources in a complex global environment.”

In the speech, he called for the root causes of terror to be explored. “There could be economic disparities, social unrest or unemployment causing growing dissatisfaction in the region. But I have been told that the bigger issue is the resolving of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. There was only lip service for ending the conflict, but since Sept. 11 there has been a difference. There seems to be a sense of urgency. The difference is public opinion has shifted. Public opinion shapes public policy dramatically. It’s true in the US, in this part of the world and elsewhere,” he said.

“In the US for years we believed in Israel’s right to exist. We still see Israel as a loyal friend, one the US will not turn its back on. That is the fundamental belief in our country,” Bush said.

“The US media has been reporting Israelis defending themselves from rebels disrupting their stability. So public opinion is bigger in my opinion. No wonder the people of the US side with Israel. And it’s no wonder given the politics of our leaders who are steadfast in their support for Israelis,” he continued.

The scene in this part of the world is quite different, said Bush, who has been visiting the region for the last 10 years. “I hope America sees Arabs as I see them, and understand Islam as I understand it. Leave behind the misunderstandings about our two peoples and two cultures. And let us help bridge the gap by understanding each other,” Bush declared.

Dubya on MLK day: “He refused to answer hatred with hatred or meet violence with violence.” Didn’t know Bush liked that kind of thing.

The EU tells both Israel and Palestine to knock it off, especially mentioning that Israel should stop destroying all of the EU’s development projects in Palestine, $20m worth so far. Unclear if the targeting is deliberate.

Amazon.com makes a profit. This is surely one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

Today the EU Food and Farm Commissioner missed the launch of the EU’s Food Safety Administration. He had salmonella.

Bush names Tom Coburn co-chair of his AIDS advisory committee. I know he doesn’t believe in condoms or, you know, sex, but there’s something else about Coburn that I can’t remember. Anyone?

New on the PC front, at least in Britain: the term “Asian” is out. Seems Indians don’t like being lumped together with Muslim loons.

I’ve seen a newspaper obit and 2 tv pieces on the death of Peggy Lee, and everyone’s avoiding the obvious line: Yes, that’s all there is.

You know what they call a quarter pounder with foie gras in New York?

Long, but a must read by Sy Hersh on the assistance North Korea got from Pakistan in its nuclear weapons program (and on how to keep it hidden). This says Hersh, was everyone’s worst fear: that a third world country would become a nuclear proliferator. Indeed, the article says that Pakistan passed on this info because it couldn’t afford cash for the missiles it was buying from NK, but also says that members of Pakistan’s nuclear program hate the US. The CIA report at the center of this article was issued in June. If NK knew that, while nothing was said publicly, it may be owe reason it’s been so brazen about its nukes: the US was already covering up on its behalf. Just as we earlier covered up for Pakistan because it was our ally in imposing on Afghanistan a government we later overthrew.

The US objects to Libya being named president of the UN Human Rights Commission, the US delegate dilating on how sad it is that this occurs on the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. Why if Dr. King had tried to speak out for human rights in Libya, he’d have been shot...no, wait...what I meant was...

Even if Bush had made a case for invading Iraq, he hasn’t made one for doing it in a rush. I think he’s not doing himself much good with the recent burst of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”, by which I mean his repeated statements that he’s running out of patience, and Iraq is running out of time. There just seems to be a lot of running going on, when most of the world thinks there should be walking. Today Bush asked (read this out loud with a really annoying whine), “How much time do we need to see clearly that he is not disarming?” As much time as it fucking takes, so pop a Ritalin already.

The real reason for the rush isn’t exactly a moral or political argument, or one the Bushies can make in public: the delicate flowers of the US military can only actually go to war with Iraq in a few weeks of the year, otherwise it’s just too hot. So Bush’s patience was always going to run out in late January (and then he has to pull over and fuel up in the giant fuel pump that is the Persian Gulf, to beat a metaphor into the ground like a red-headed step-child). In fact, it will run out one week from today (the UN inspectors’ report is due out on Jan. 27, the State of the Union is Jan. 28).

Here’s the first paragraph of a WashPost story:

President Bush yesterday dismissed U.N. Security Council members who have said weapons inspectors should be given more time in Iraq, recalling that all of them, "including the French," voted last November to impose "serious consequences" if Iraq did not disclose and dismantle all of its weapons of mass destruction programs.

I always said that the resolution was written so that the US could claim it said one thing and France etc that it said another, but here’s Bush saying that the French actually voted for his war two months ago, they just forgot.

And god knows we need all that oil, because now we’re building a thousand-mile freeway in the Antarctic. Really. Between McMurdo Sound and the Scott-Amundsen base.

The Italian Supreme Court awarded custody of an 11-year old boy to his father because they deemed his mother over-protective. In Italy, imagine that!

The war to sell the most expensive hamburger in NY is actually escalating, with the DB Bistro Moderne selling one for $50. There’s a truffle on the side and a bit of foie gras in the burger. I swear this thing is a joke, because it’s called the DB Burger Royale, and the chef is French--remember the conversation in “Pulp Fiction” about what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Paris? The Guardian liked the Royale. Personally, I had to go out to eat today because of a blackout and spent $7 on a hamburger, which seemed like quite enough.

The Times says that South Africa was behind the assassination of Olof Palme in 1986.

The new Afghanistan government’s chief justice bans cable tv as against Islam. He is also against co-education. Here we go again! Actually, most of the Taliban laws haven’t been changed. The punishment for adultery is still stoning.

Rumsfeld says that people criticizing conditions at the Guantanamo concentration camp are “ill-informed.” Yes, that was the idea behind putting them in Guantanamo, to make sure that everyone was ill-informed.

To solve a problem in the Bulgarian parliament of members voting for their absent neighbors, their seats will be fitted with scales to ensure that someone of the proper weight is voting.

The surrealist compliment generator.

As I write, the BBC news is playing. I’m hoping for pictures, just out today, of the prisoners in Guantanamo. Well, we had a pretty good idea what sort of thing would happen when they used the least accessible military base the US owns, not excluding the North Pole, and when they shaved their heads and beards and pretended it wasn’t to humiliate them. Still, sensory deprivation goes beyond what I expected. Evidently they are wearing goggles with tape over them, mittens, earmuffs, surgical masks, and of course handcuffs and leg shackles. The hilarious explanation of, well, one of those things, is that some of them have tuberculosis and might spit at the guards. No one evidently asked why they aren’t being treated for this alleged TB.

Speaking of handcuffs, British Airways (which deserves applause for stopping Britain’s continuing deportation of Zimbabweans into the hands of Mugabe’s thugs) has 240 handcuffs missing. A spokesman said that BA staff are so professional they are practicing their restraint procedures at home.

In East Sussex, a woman tired of dealing with Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on her door, knocked on theirs during services and talked to them for 20 minutes about Nirvana.

A failing law student kills 3 people at his school. Now I can see how he might be failing, because I’m pretty sure that mass murder is actually against the law. They probably should have taught him that.

The Norwegian finance minister enters a gay marriage.

A spiced tomato juice company gets a Royal Warrant, which means they get to advertise themselves “By appointment to Her Majesty the Queen.” You understand that in this case, we’re talking about something used for a Bloody Mary, which the Times totally missed the irony of.

The statement of charges against John Walker, who I think I’ll continue calling Johnny Taliban if you don’t mind (just as I’m planning to call Enron chairman Ken Lay “Kennie Boy,” Bush’s nickname for him, not least because “Ken Lay” sounds like it’s in Pig Latin) seem interestingly ridiculous. They’re avoiding treason charges because there are actual standards of proof for that one, which they couldn’t possibly manage. Evidently he is supposed to have known about the attacks before they occurred. Given that the actual hijackers didn’t know in advance, how likely is that? One might also ask, if it’s so freaking easy for someone to walk in off the street and be told the top secret terrorist plans, how did the CIA not manage it?

Speaking of incompetence, there’s an interesting article in Slate today on the scrambling of jets to intercept the hijacked planes on Sept 11. I’ve been wondering about the timing of that for 4 months. Now forgetting that it took the FAA quite a while to bother passing the information that was a problem on to NORAD, and that NORAD had never trained for such a mission, and that it took them several minutes to order planes into the air (and,
which the article doesn’t mention, that the planes sent to intercept the 4th plane did not come from the nearest air field to DC, which had no planes available), the author compares the mileage covered by those fighters to the time elapsed, and amazingly enough they weren’t actually flying at anywhere near top speed. Guess it wasn’t an emergency (and this was after the first plane crashed).

Col. Mustard in the library with a pretzel

Trust the Israelis to assassinate the head of an organization while it was observing a ceasefire.

On Groundhog Day, that town in Pennsylvania with the funny name is going to be protected by huge numbers of police and National Guard, in case of terrorism or it turns out to be Osama rather than a groundhog that pops of that hole, cuz you never know.

650 US troops are off to the Philippines. Isn’t it great how initiating new counter-insurgency operations doesn’t require any public or Congressional approval whatsoever anymore?

A question I didn’t even think to ask has been answered: Bush’s little pretzel incident was not alcohol-related. I didn’t think to ask, but his doctor ran a test, which is kind of interesting by itself.

Ford couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time. Bush can’t watch tv and eat a pretzel at the same time. Clinton could have sex and smoke a cigar at the same time. It’s called multi-tasking, people!

So back to Enron. Saletan of Slate is right that there is a danger of an investigation into non-existent wrong-doing by the Bushies could be the same sort of thing as Whitewater, an investigation without a crime. But since there were plenty of crimes associated with Enron, there should still be a thorough investigation, and if there turns out to be evidence of something, cool. Cheney should, however, be finally forced to divulge his contacts with energy companies including Enron while developing the admin’s energy policy.

There is other capital to be made out of this. That the administration has Enron’s stink on it, and that Enron got a change of venue because everyone in Texas down to dogcatcher was involved with the company in some way, suggests that now is the time to push campaign finance reform, when Bush can be embarrassed into not vetoing it. Also, the final collapse may not involve the Bushies, but the whole company’s very existence depended on its relationship with government, and the way it bought itself free from oversight. It’s too bad Phil Gramm was going to retire anyway, because I’d so much rather see him hounded out of office: while he was taking a quarter million from them, his wife as chair of the Commodity (something) Trading Commission (can’t read my own handwriting here), made sure that energy swaps, Enron’s specialty, was completely deregulated and
then, that done, quit the Commission for a seat on the board of .... Enron.

Washington Post headline: “Bush No Worse for Fall.” No worse than what?

Top Prince Harry chat-up line (and I’m not making this up): “Do you want to come back to my palace?” Yes, it’s been a hell of a week for British gossip, starting with the Harry Smokes Pot one. Charles made him go to a rehab clinic for a day and get the royal tour, which everyone praises as excellent fathering, although one wonders if that was really what the patients needed. How’d you like to be the one who threw Harry out of a bar or restaurant? It does actually happen. Once after calling a chef a “fucking Frog”, indicating that he has his grandfather’s talent for international relations.

Also on the gossip mill, the Archbishop of Canterbury is retiring and will be replaced by... well, Prince Charles wants someone who will be on his side in the re-marriage fight, but the gambling money, 3 to 1, is on a Pakistani, about whom a huge number of rumors have been let loose, not that anyone’s racist mind you. Seems he bought his first post, and used to be a Catholic and eats babies.

And Cecil Parkinson. A feeding frenzy delayed for 18 years is an ugly thing. Lord Parkinson (various cabinet posts in the Thatcher administration) schtupped a secretary, who refused to get an abortion. The kid came out with a brain tumor and autistic and with other things wrong. Their was a gag order on the press and on the mother and the kid, which lasted until she turned 18, last week. She’s already been the star of a documentary, and the story is that the gag order actually prevented any acknowledgment of the kid’s existence by anyone: no parts in school plays, no name up on bulletin boards etc. Total bullshit, it turns out, but a great story.

One of the British papers has a helpful Olympics article on how to get booze in Utah. Evidently there’s more of it than we thought, including something called Polygamy Porter.

I was almost beginning to wonder if I’d been pounding Israel too hard lately until I read a report by FAIR that said that when tv news talks about violence starting up in Israel, or lulls in violence, it means exclusively violence against Jews, ignoring the other kind.

So in the interests of balance, here’s another story indicating Israel’s unfitness to have control over the holy sites: they’ve decided not to recognize the new head of the Greek Orthodox community.

Speaking of balance, I’ve been meaning to address Kashmir, just to say that while Pakistan is certainly supporting terrorism there (and I was singularly unimpressed with Musharof’s speech yesterday) and playing footsie with nuclear war, it is the case that India is holding on to Kashmir and shouldn’t be.

So what is an “unlawful combatant” anyway? And if you actually invade a country do you get to decide who has a right to resist your invasion? And what do you mean, they weren’t wearing uniforms--they had the only uniform necessary for the US to consider them targets: brown skin.

In Alaska a judge strikes down the removal of a man’s gun permit simply because he was insane.

Speaking of which, the army chief of India (after saying he was ready to fight a nuclear war), suggested that war, nuclear or otherwise was near. “When two countries mobilize their forces and place them on the border, it is not normal.” Evidently he hasn’t been paying a lot of attention the last few decades.

Last week, Tony Blair went to the region to be a “calming influence.” This week, he’s gonna sell India 60 Hawk jets.

Russia’s last independent tv station is forced into bankruptcy.

The German Christian Dems finally pick someone to run for chancellor, and it is not the party chair, who happens to be a woman, but the far-right loon leader of Bavaria (slogan: “laptops and lederhosen”, which may be the dirtiest thing I’ve ever heard).

Homosexuality is back in Afghanistan. Hurrah. Or not, actually. Did you know that Kandahar used to be known as the sodomy capital of south west Asia? Neither did I. The reason not hurrah is that it invariably involves children. Indeed, Mullah Omar got his start intervening to get one boy away from two warlords who both wanted him as their catamite. The Taliban put a stop to that sort of thing.

Some time back I mentioned a 9-month old girl gang raped in South Africa as an AIDS cure. I’d as soon not have had to think about that again, but the story’s back (oh, she will never be able to have children, assuming she survives, and needs surgery). See, she was given anti-retroviral drugs to prevent AIDS transmission. The government has told doctors to stop giving such drugs to rape victims, became Mbeki is an idiot.

What the hell, I can’t end on that: Winona Ryder explained to the court that she was shoplifting in order to research a role in a movie (she has no roles in any movies coming up, so maybe she meant the Saks surveillance camera).

The Pentagon is claiming that it ordered journalists not to transmit pictures of the Afghan prisoners in their S&M chains & masks gear being loaded into cages to be transferred to the US’s other colony in Guantanamo, in order to protect their dignity. It tried that one on after claiming that it was at the request of the Red Cross, which it was not. They won’t tell whether they drugged them or not.

The Supreme Court rules that the Americans with Disabilities Act doesn’t apply to people disabled from doing their jobs so long as they can brush their teeth. Hey, I don’t write the opinions, I just report them. Scalia, whose son doesn’t believe in repetitive stress injuries and is about to be recess appointed into a labor dept. job, probably should have recused himself.

At yesterday’s Question Time in the House of Commons, the new bald leader of the Tory party quoted a member of the government as admitting that there was a lot of crime. When told the quote had been made up, he followed up, “Well, if apparently he said no such thing, wasn’t he in reality, in saying no such thing, correct in what he apparently did not say.”

Someone has averaged out the light in the universe, and determined that it is turquoise. Which just confirms what my cat has thought all along.

Speaking of stupid jobs, there is an EU commission working on the burning question of how many lumps a sauce can have before it’s designated a vegetable.

So when Dubya promised to cut strategic nukes by 2/3, he actually meant not to destroy them but to put them into mothballs, reducing the value of his promise effectively to zero. Terrif.

He also called the Pakistanis “Pakis,” which I’m sure went down real well. Presumably he was just being a moron, not actually intending a slur.

As opposed to an Israeli MP who called the US ambassador something that was translated from Hebrew as “little Jewboy” (Yehudon). Just how many slurs for Jews are there in the Hebrew language I wonder?

As part of a tourism push in Whitby, in the west of England, Whitby Abbey is promoting itself as the home of Dracula. Some people are questioning the theological aspects of this.

Speaking of questionable theological aspects, the Vatican has issued new guidelines on how to deal with paedophile priests. They include secret internal trials. They do not include informing the police.

Tom Daschle blames Bush tax cut for economic crisis, which let’s face it isn’t actually true, although they sure won’t help in the short or long term. Bush responds that “not over my dead body” will they raise taxes which, typically, means the exact opposite of what Bush thinks it means. Also, no one’s actually calling for tax increases (or actually, repealing tax cuts that haven’t gone into effect yet, which Bush went out of his way to say still count as tax increases. Which they don’t.).

What does count as a tax increase is the new increase in the California sales tax, which was actually the expiration of a tax cut from many years ago, which was constructed so that no one in the state legislature would actually have to vote for it, it would just go up all by itself. I don’t know if this is actually unconstitutional, but it is certainly taxation without representation: not only did our representatives not vote for it, but the people responsible have probably all been term-limited out. Immaculate taxation.

There’s a terrific piece by Peter Maas in today’s NY Times Magazine on an Afghani warlord, a lot of fun. Also fun is a piece in the newspaper about corruption in the new and improved Afghanistan. It’s the classic case of a reporter not leaving his hotel room to write a story. In fact he can’t leave his hotel room without paying hundreds of dollars and leaving behind all his equipment. One reporter, CNN I think, got them to write out an itemized receipt, including $220 for “pure extortion.” Doesn’t even mention mini-bar charges and porn. Fun, as I say, but somehow I don’t think the tragedy of corruption in Afghanistan is that CNN had to bargain to get its satellite equipment back.

Washington Post headline: “Texas frames Bush, Much to His Liking.” On the same day, although not in the same newspaper, Houston is proclaimed the flabbiest place in America.

Speaking of the least introspective man in America, Bush was asked how 9/11 had changed him and responded (snapped, William Safire says) “Talk to my wife”, he doesn’t look in the mirror. Safire thinks Bush meant that he was always a great mass of wonderfulness and that the American people are only now beginning to appreciate him. Yick.

There’s a piece by Terry Jones, the only Python doing regular war commentary, in today’s Observer (observer.co.uk/comment, available for a week) on why it is good to put bags on the heads of Afghan prisoners.

The Afghans finally bag an American, and about fucking time too, I say. While even I can’t escape the doubtless reprehensible sentiment that it’s better for one of them to die than one of us, the US needs to be bloodied in its wars, to stop entering into them so easily.

I forget who it was--Tommy Franks?--who yesterday referred to Somalia as a failed nation, presumably indicating it’s about to get a spanking, but I’d love to know what the standards are. Undemocratic leadership? Do I have to bring up the butterfly ballot again--I think not. Allows terrorists to operate unmolested? I doubt the terrorists were actually taking flying lessons in Somalia, so give it a freaking break.

Suharto’s son Tommy is suing the people he paid a $2 million bribe, intended to secure a pardon. He wants his money back.

In the run-up to the French presidential elections, another scandal hits Chirac, who collects them like Jenna Bush collects empty tequilla bottles. When Chirac was prime minister, his government paid ransom for hostages in Lebanon, which is not the scandal although it should be. No, the scandal is that the Gaullists skimmed part of it off the top. It’s still not Iran-Contra, but the French think relatively small.

Don’t iron your euros

In 1951, Britain was considering a plan to divide Afghanistan up between Russia and Pakistan. Is it too late now?

A 19-year old is elected mayor of Mercer, Pennsylvania. He lives with his parents.

Pakistan demands evidence before handing over the Kashmiris India wants. Either that, or the newspaper reporters have all gone on vacation and just set up a computer program which inserts the names of different countries into old stories. Tomorrow: Montana threatens to bomb Idaho if it doesn’t hand over terrorists. No wait, that could happen.

Pakistan is walking a hilariously fine line over Kashmir, since it wants to look like it’s backing off of supporting terrorists without actually stopping support for Kashmiris who are killing Indians. You know, freedom fighters. They now say they’ll only support actual Kashmiris who are fighting for independence and not, say, Arabs who are helping them. Blatant discrimination, I say.

Russia is now using its old gulags from ordinary criminals, some 100,000 of them.

The decennial British census shows that residential segregation is increasing in Northern Ireland. I might also add that punishment beatings and shootings were at record levels in 2001. Peace, ain’t it grand.

The Swiss have re-relaxed airline security and are allowing Swiss army knives onto planes, including those heading for the US.

People have been playing with the euro. They find that it is ok to wash it but not iron it, because of the encoded strip. Also, the odds of it landing heads or tails vary by country. Belgium’s national design, for example, produces a 56:44 ratio in favor of tails.

PS

In that last email I said that I thought I had peed myself at the Gare du Nord. I of course meant that I myself had peed at the Gare du Nord, not that I’d had a nasty accident there.

One New Year’s tradition good for me is the release of British cabinet papers under the 30-rule year. Which means that today Edward Heath was having to defend internment without trial, not today’s but that in Northern Ireland in 1971, which was singularly stupid and incompetent and, as it turns out, was warned against by the military.

But if that was short-sighted, it was as nothing beside the report of the High Commissioner in Uganda, who said that he thought Idi Amin would turn out just fine.

The city of Bradford is spending a fortune upgrading some of its bus stops. There will be art and literature in electronic form, and music chosen according to the color of your clothes. It will still smell of urine, of course.

Speaking of urine, the Guardian sent its European reporters out to see what they could buy with a euro. Most of them were looking for hangover cures, but settled for buying more booze. The toilet at the Gare du Nord (where I think I once peed myself), has upped its prices from 6 francs to 1 euro (6.5 francs), but in Berlin you can use the city toilette for 40 minutes (don’t ask, it’s a German thing) for 1/2 a euro. Paris cathedrals also raised the price of lighting a candle from 10 francs to 2 euros.

Speaking of being screwed by euros, there are some bank robbers in German prisons, who got away with about $5 million in 1995 but were caught. The 1st one will be released in 2003, but it’s all in marks.

The EU is great, isn't it? Spain just released the country's largest drug smuggler on bail pending a trial at which he faced a 60 year prison term, because evidently jails frighten him. It's a phobia, see? The EU has turned Spain into Sweden, that's the only explanation.

The guy disappeared, of course.

India has given Pakistan a list of 30 people it wants turned over, and also says that it can win a nuclear war.

I mentioned that Sharon's choice for head anti-terrorism adviser had killed Palestinian prisoners with a rock, but should have made it clear that Sharon knew it. The man, of course, was pardoned and never served a day.

A Dutch man called his wife and told her he'd been kidnapped, in order to spend Christmas with his mistress.

A Utah company is adding to the DVD player what it surely needed: censorship. Don't want to see Kate Winslet's boobs in Titanic (or any other movie she's ever made), or those disquieting dead people in Saving Private Ryan? You'll be able to download a "fix," putting a corset on Kate and flak over the corpses.

I can't believe it took so long, but Pakistan finally threatened India with nukes (for the first time this month, anyway). And India is busily preparing camoflage for the Taj Mahal.

Remember all those movies about the pyramids in Egypt being constructed by slaves dragging huge rocks? Nope, it seems the pyramids aren't carved stone at all but were molded on site.

Getting anxious for the US to pick on another country? Somalia, Iraq, whatever? It seems the real reason that it hasn't happened is that after bombing Sudan, Afghanistan and Kosovo with hundreds of cruise missiles, we're almost out of stock. There are still Tomahawks, but their range isn't long enough to reach many of the targets inside Iraq, and that would leave the Navy without missiles.

Said a producer of Ally McBeal, "I wish Ally McBeal and other shows could be [in Afghanistan] to show them what the real world is like."

Israel's High Court says that Sharon's top anti-terrorism adviser must step down, and all he did wrong was beat two Palestinian prisoners to death with a rock 17 years ago.

Tony Blair, on vacation in Egypt, is present as a 4,600 year old skeleton is dug up, and is now subject to a curse. Sadly, he is to be eaten by a crocodile, a hippopatamus and a lion.

I don't know what my neighbors have been up to, but our garbage can has melted.

Goodbye, Sir Humphrey Appleby.

Tom Friedman of the NY Times suggests dealing with terrorism by having everyone fly naked (which would also keep the religious fanatics off). I just want to point out that I suggested this for schools after Columbine, as taking care of both the concealed weapons problem and the school uniforms issue. But did anyone listen, no they did not.

According to the Post, the government's adopt a wild horse program is still leading straight to the Alpo factory.

The Post also says that Bush is going to his ranch for "only" the 2nd time since 9/11. Poor baby, only 2 vacations in 3 months, how sad.

The Post also observes a last-minute sweetheart deal to Boeing, whereby the government leased 4 airplanes instead of buying them outright, at an increased cost of only $7 billion (or $26 billion, if you question the need to buy the planes in the first place).

All the Justice Department money for DNA testing of potentially innocent people went instead to DNA testing to see which blob of World Trade Center victim goes into which tupperware container.

To end on a happy note, Cambodia has been cracking down on vice lately, and is threatening to destroy karoake bars with tanks.

The British can bet on anything, elections, the Booker prize, dog shows, and yes, whether or not it will be a white Christmas. It was, so the punters are happy.

Israel did keep Arafat from Christmas mass, which would suggest to some their continuing unfitness to superintend the holy sites and the illegitimacy of their claim to Jerusalem. Today, 3 people die in Palestinian protests about Arafat not being allowed to worship Christ, or something.

The Germans are trying to figure out how to dispose of several trillion deutschmarks, as the euro comes in. You can buy a bag of shredded marks to use as confetti. It is waxed, so is not appropriate as toilet paper.

Israel says that Arafat cannot go to Bethlehem unless he arrests two of the assassins of the tourism minister. How very Christmassy. I think myrrh is a bit more traditional, but what the hell.

Something must be wrong with me: I can't think of anything funny to say about exploding shoes.

The Observer suggests that I was right about that Afghan convoy and how it got targeted. Today the US military claimed that the convoy had shot a missile at it, which seems an odd thing not to have reported yesterday if true.

Sign seen in Berkeley: "The world does not need another unjust war." Damn, some planets are so hard to shop for.

License plate seen on Highway 24: "JaneEyre." "Reader I married him, moved to the suburbs, and bought an SUV."

The "Today's Paper" for Friday in Slate has an amusing comparison of quotes from newspapers stories of sightings of the giant squid and bin Laden, respectively.

Pakistan demands proof from India before arresting the people responsible for the attacks on its parliament. Although this sounds familiar, the US is still on Pakistan's side. India does seem to be planning war.

The US bombed a convoy today, killing many. It says Al Qaeda leaders, others say tribal leaders and supporters of the new interim warlord-in-chief (who we also almost hit with a bomb). Reading in between the lines of the London Times report, I'll bet it turns out that certain members of the coalition fed false information to US intelligence to get it to wipe out other members of the coalition. I'll also bet this will never be admitted.

The Israeli army has inflicted on those officers who planted the booby traps in Palestine killing 5 boys on their way to school a jolly stiff... reprimand.

Congress abandons efforts to protect the insurance industry from having to pay out for future terrorist attacks--at least for now.

Unless of course you count the victims' fund, one condition of which is that recipients not sue the airlines. Since when is federal relief money conditioned on not suing private companies? One might also ask why they're being paid anything, since private charities including the Red Cross already have enough to make the 9/11 survivors all very comfortable indeed without tossing in another average $1.6 million each from tax dollars. Or is that what a Republican would say?

The US position on the attack on the Indian Parliament is exactly the same as that of Pakistan: India should share its intelligence with Pakistan, which will no doubt be eager to assist. And even more eager to find out how much India knows about what it's up to. Think about this for a moment. Even forgetting that the US is backing the probable aggressor in an attempt to wipe out India's leadership (no great loss, some would say), but its position is so naive as to suggest that no one spent even a minute thinking about it before issuing a statement, which is a little frightening given that these two countries are volatile and nuked up.

Speaking of statements issued hurriedly, the US is now giving a new transcript of that Osama bin Laden tape, which supposedly they sat on for a month and then translated very hurriedly last week and released while still incomplete. Again, how stupid are we supposed to be? They're spending billions to "bring bin Laden to justice," but only started translating a tape of him after having it in their possession a couple of weeks? And evidently, he called black people a naughty word ("slaves"). Take that, Barbara Lee!

Two members of Parliament complained to the British tv regulatory agency about having been tricked into appearing in a hoax documentary, in which they decried a (fictional) internet game in which paedophiles physically manipulate children on-line, and special pants for hiding erections. The MPs were told it was their own fault they were so gullible.

An hour ago my cat was hunting for the mouse at the last place she saw it. Possibly, though, I've given a misleading portrait of her hunting abilities. She often stalks her own water bowl and I have never seen it outwit her. Yet.

While writing about the inability of the CIA to find bin Laden or indeed its own ass, I got lost in my own subordinate clauses and forgot to include a joke along the lines that while the CIA can't find him, his cave is rapidly filling up with AOL disks and credit card offers.

Mumia got off death row today, although I wouldn't be as optimistic as some reports in suggesting that Penn. won't re-run the penalty phase: they really want this guy dead.

The mouse was finally caught last night, by me and not by the Stupidest Cat in the World, after 54 days. A bit the worse for wear, but alive.

A U of NH econ professor estimates 3,767 civilian Afghan dead from bombing, just as the World Trade Center estimates drop to 3,000. Fortunately, they're just foreigners.

We've already seen Bush's ultimatum to Afghanistan reissued by Israel with to Arafat with the names changed, and India to Pakistan. We've seen governments claim their enemies were linked to bin Laden from China to the Philippines to Somalia (where it might be true). Now, a coup attempt in the Comoros is justified by the president's alleged links to bin Laden, which may be the silliest yet. Unconfirmed reports say that Bob Denard was present, making this I believe his 5th coup in the Comoros.

Rumsfeld admits having no idea where bin Laden is, but none of the reporters ask him if that isn't a sign of incredible incompetence. I can understand, sort of, George W growing a layer of teflon in time of pseudo-war (although a layer of UV might be more useful), but what have the FBI & CIA & DIA & NSA done to deserve the exemption from critical thought?

Speaking of exemption from critical thought, Zimbabwe has some draft laws to outlaw criticism of the government. Or the police.

A famous chain of vegetarian restaurants in Britain, made popular in the 60s by the Beatles and Twiggy and, I don't know, Austin Powers, has closed down. I mention this for two reasons: 1) its name was Cranks; 2) someone said they needed to get back to their roots.

So, will they or won't they? India and Pakistan, always so close to the brink of war, and they take another step. One of two odd things happened here: either the Pakistani intelligence services thought they could get away with this because the US would tell India to back down, or Kashmiri separatists/terrorists under the wings of Pankistani intelligence thought they could launch this operation without permission. Some government spokesman accused the Indians of attacking their own parliament in order to frame Pakistan.

I just let the cat out, so presumably the mouse is now playing. I'll have to admit she's getting better. She's now caught the mouse in each of the last 3 days. What is the life span of a mouse, anyway?

He who loves you will follow you

The cat caught the mouse yesterday. Lost it again. They really do squeak.

If you're bored, check out a website from a fan of Soviet-era calculators. The author lives in Tasmania, so probably needs a hobby.

My fortune cookie today told me "He who loves you will follow you." That is really deeply disturbing.

The Bushies won’t shut down meat-processing plants that repeatedly fail salmonella tests. They say it’s the consumer’s responsibility to cook properly.

Hiding in caves

The mouse is no longer even treating my cat with respect, barely increasing its speed today as it walked past her close enough to touch on its way to sanctuary under the stove. There's no longer any food in the drawers next to the stove, as I'm trying to lengthen its supply lines and so increase the chances of it being caught. I may have to burn Moscow, though (little military history humor there, which always goes over big). Actually, I only thought there was nothing left to eat. I noticed the mouse has eaten through a couple of pill bottles in the bottom drawer, left over from my old cat who, although dead more than five years, now seems more likely to kill the mouse than my current cat.

The hypocrisy is beginning to increase. Today Bush accused bin Laden of being a coward for hiding in caves while sending others to their death. OK, Mister Too Dangerous to Come Back to Washington, Mister Texas Air National Guard, Mister....

And a day or two ago he said that Johnny Taliban was obviously misled because who would fight for a country that treated its women badly. Do you think he mentioned that to his father during the Gulf War? or was he still too busy snorting coke off a hooker's ass in a Houston bar to notice?

Speaking of Johnny, William Saletan of Slate says that treatment of him will be the litmus test of whether the war is against terrorism rather than Islam as the Bushies keep saying, that is whether we treat him like a terrorist or as a misguided youth as Bush has been.

Michael Kinsley, also in Slate, says that this war is about restoring our right to ignore Afghanistan again. He actually meant it seriously, but I've pointed out before that the fastest way for the US to lose interest in a country is to defeat it in a war.

The latest analysis I've read of Sharon's policy is that he intends to so weaken Arafat that someone will overthrow him, and then somehow there will arise a new leader more willing to do Tel Aviv's bidding. Yes, of course, the Palestinian people are crying out for a government more subservient to the folks who are bombing them.

Speaking of interesting logic, how much of the infamous video tape have any of you bothered to see? I've been happy to stick with edited highlights so far because I find the whole thing rather dubious. I'd hate to think the CIA would be so stupid as to fake this tape, but really doesn't it beggar the imagination that bin Laden would avoid claiming any responsibility for two months and then do it in this way? Forget checking the translation, I want to see what an Arab-speaking lip-reader has to say about the tape. Bush spoke today like only Oliver Stone or everyone in the Arab world could think the tape was less than authentic, but then he thinks that Jar Jar Binks is real.

Israel, displaying the sort of arrogance normally associated with more, well, North American countries, declares Arafat irrelevant, like this is a valuation they get to make, like Bush declaring who is or who is not a true Muslim. Israel is breaking off all contact with the Palestinian government. This probably comes as a relief, since such contact usually consisted of Ariel Sharon screaming Terrorist! Terrorist! Terrorist! until foam came out of his mouth.

Headline that should have been connected to a much more interesting story, but wasn't: "9 Foot Swan Held After Attack on Woman in Dog Suit."

Football mascots.

Sinister

I thought you all needed to know this right away: crows are left-handed. (See latest issue of Nature)

Bush at White House yesterday: "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Chanakah."

Denying Al Qaida their caves

Pentagon phrase of the week, heard on McNeil-Lehrer yesterday: "denying Al Qaida their caves."

Most countries would have stopped blowing things up from helicopters at least until after the funeral of the 2-year old they accidentally killed, but not Israel. And this on Chanakah, which as I understand it is a holiday which celebrates the miracle of endlessly flowing American aid. Unless I've missed something, the White House has been strangely silent on this way. Remember what I said last week: if you harbor child-killers, you're a child-killer; if you gave a green light to the child-killers, you're a child-killer....

Prince Charles used the word turd today. He was referring to modern architecture. Guardian headline: Prince Dumps on High-Rise Architects.

The Chinese are claiming that there are hundreds of Uighur separatists fighting for the Taliban, and it wants them handed over when captured. I know several have been captured, but hundreds? They're up to something.

The Northern Alliance transported many Taliban POWs in airtight shipping containers. Guess what happened.

The US finally indicts someone for terrorism, a guy in jail, so not one of the 9/11 hijackers, but with a parallel pattern of activities.

Italy drops its opposition to Europe-wide arrest warrants--it had wanted several crimes excluded, mainly those committed--allegedly--by Prime Minister Berlusconi.

George Bush says that bin Laden has no soul. No George, there's your lack of cultural understanding again: you sold your soul to the devil to become president. Bin Laden rubbed on a magic lamp.

So the Bushies have a videotape they claim is the smoking gun which, if we believe what they say about it (and I understand the picture and sound quality are terrible), is just bin Laden bragging about the World Trade Center after the fact. And that's not only the strongest evidence they've shown us in 3 months tomorrow, but the only evidence period. I saw a newspaper tabloid today that says bin Laden killed Princess Di, and I'll bet it's got evidence at least that good.

Ashcroft says he didn’t say people criticizing detention etc were traitors (yes, he did) and anyone who says he did is a traitor.

Britain's home secretary David Blunkett is also accusing anyone (meaning members of the House of Lords) who opposes his anti-terrorism bill of encouraging terrorist acts. Blunkett, I have just heard, also dislikes nudity. In 1983 when he was on the Sheffield city council, he walked out of a play that had nudity. In 1969 he complained about nudity on the BBC and was invited on to a program of viewers' complaints. Except he was not a viewer, being blind. It takes a special sort of prudery to complain about nudity you can't see. Well, to be fair, I've sometimes complained about nudity I can't see, but that's different.

Some physicist has a $100 bet with Stephen Hawking over the existence of the Higgs boson (Hawking says it doesn't). Remember what I said about stupidity? Someone bet against Stephen Hawking.

Pamela Anderson is suing for sole custody of her children, saying that Tommy Lee is becoming increasingly unstable. This from a woman who probably can't walk a straight line without falling forwards.

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

Strom Thurmond’s babysitter dies, at 109.

It’s almost impossible in China to transplant organs from anyone except prisoners.

John Ashcroft, who accuses civil libertarians of scare-mongering (“To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: your tactics only aid terrorists”), refused to let the FBI check to see if any of the 9/11 suspects had bought guns. So there is one constitutional right he’s not willing to trample. Take that, scare-mongerers! The thing is, illegal aliens or people in the country under 90 days don’t have a right to buy guns, so the FBI always, previously, thought that it could look at those people’s Brady Law records. DOJ now says that would violate their privacy rights, another right foreigners don’t actually have unless they have permanent resident status.

There is a film of the two most famous Johnnies in Afghanistan, which I hope someday to see. Johnny Walker, aka Johnny Taliban, the American who went to fight with the Taliban, was interviewed by Johnny Spann, the CIA case officer who was killed in the prison uprising. Spann is seen grabbing Walker by the hair and threatening him with death, in clear violations of the Geneva Convention, and that's what he did with the one grabbing Walker by the hair and threatening him with death, in clear violations of the Geneva Convention, and that's what he did with the one prisoner he knew who could speak English on CNN, so guess how the rest of the interrogations must have gone.

The end is nigh

The Higgs boson particle is now believed not to exist (see the current New Scientist). Therefore, as I understand it, the universe cannot exist. So it's been good knowing y'all.

That's particle physics humor, and I don't do it often, and evidently I won't ever be able to do it again.

Yes, getting agreement on an Afghan government wasn't nearly as difficult as it should have been, so let's accidentally bomb the new prime minister on his first day.

There are in fact women in the new Afghan government, assuming you're really impressed by 2 out of 30 on the council.

Speaking of democracy in action, Michael Bloomberg paid $92.60 for every vote he got in the NY mayor's race, spending more than Malcolm Forbes Jr spent running for president. I say let's skip the election next time and take everyone out to see The Producers.

Speaking of which, the cats that look like Hitler site.

For a great gift idea, www.turdtwister.com, which is exactly what it sounds like, and gee, someone on this list has a wedding coming up....

I can't remember if I've mentioned the last 2 Jews in Kabul. Naturally, they hate each other.

So according to Bush, if you harbor a terrorist you're a terrorist, and if you arm a terrorist you're a terrorist.

So far be it for me to mention that the Israeli attacks have been using US weaponry that is not supposed to be used for such purposes.

William Saletan in Slate comments that Sharon has finally adopted the language of universality instead of trying to assert his usual position of the Israeli Jews as the sole virtuous victims etcetera etcetera.

What exactly is Sharon up to? Mindless violence for the sake of mindless violence? I'd buy that. Thinks that he can somehow select the next leader of the Palestinians and give him his marching orders? Yes, he's insane enough to believe that. I'm waiting for Arafat to say, Well we were just about to put into effect our plan to crack down on Hamas, but it involved using our helicopters and police stations. Sharon does not seem to be trying to assassinate Arafat, just vandalize his stuff. Houses, helicopters--expect his cars to be targeted next, because this is just that silly. It's like in a Western shooting at someone's feet--Dance, dance! If Sharon expects to be able to target the Palestinian police and then have them do his bidding, he's stupid as well as crazy, and I wouldn't rule that out either. After the bus attack Israel had the moral high ground, occupied it for a minute and a half and got a nosebleed.

Catching up with old New Statesman's. Blair isn't getting a lot of respect for sucking up to Dubya. Britain was so eager to portray itself as at the center of the world still that it was practicing for terrorist attacks that were never going to come and pretending that up to 1,000 Brits were killed in the World Trade Center (this week's figures--under 100). Writes Mark Thomas: "Tony Blair has spoken so often of his `special relationship' with George Bush that I feel social workers should take him into a warm and safe environment with some anatomically correct dolls and as many psychologists as are needed." Mark Steel writes about the drivel of war, such as the harping on the Taliban's treatment of women, as opposed to Saudi Arabia, where you can hardly move in Riyadh markets for stalls selling t-shirts reading "A woman needs a man like a camel needs a bicycle" and they always announce the public stoning of *women*, not girls, not chicks, but always women.

No one is even trying very hard to fake it any more. Well, if Bush said he wanted to bring democracy to Afghanistan we'd all hurt ourselves laughing. Still, you'd like at least the token effort at bullshit. It's like this letter I just got. It's a credit card solicitation. At the top of the envelope it says "This invitation is reserved for a select group of students". Ok, you know that's crap, but they don't even have my name in
the address, it just says University of California Student--which is right below a bar code! It just makes me feel so...select.

Oh for god sake, cat, even I can hear the mouse fucking around in the kitchen. Get off my lap and earn your keep.

According to the Times, the secret first draft of Ashcroft's anti-terrorism bill included suspension of habeas corpus. Which means members of Congress knew that weeks ago and failed to share it with the public.

A referendum in Switzerland to abolish the army fails. Times headline: Swiss Army Escapes Knife.

With those killjoy Taliban gone, or at least pretending not to be Taliban, cockfighting returns to Kabul. Also boxing. And honor killings. Freedom, ain't it great?

Not much in the British press today. Evidently some sort of insect died.

I first mentioned the use of earprints as evidence several years ago. At least 4 people were convicted using them in Britain, one sentenced to life, though I'm not sure they were ever used in the US. Anyway, it seems that not only is there no real proof that earprints are unique, but earprints also alter depending on the temperature and how hard you have it pressed against something. Oops.

The Olympics people have asked the world to please stop all violence during the Olympics, just like they did in the ancient world. That'll work. They also reminded Muslims that Mormons enjoyed polygamy too.

The Supreme Court rules 5-4 that private corporations operating prisons can’t be sued for constitutional violations.

Did you know that the president's hairdresser is an Afghan? The daughter of a former prime minister, too.

Headline in Daily Telegraph: Ecstasy Worse for Women. I foresee a new feminist cause (this works if you're talking about the drug or just regular ecstasy).

The Department of Justice is now offering free citizenship to people who pass on information about terrorists. Guys, the Legion of Honor, a knighthood, whatever, but citizenship is not some sort of door prize.

Justice is also going to (or already is) secret let the INS set aside release orders issued by federal immigration judges.

The Supreme Court hears a case about Kansas’s policy of taking away prison privileges of sex offenders who don’t “take responsibility” in a therapy program, for crimes they weren’t caught for--while attached to polygraphs, and without immunity.

The Washington Post points out rather depressingly how many of the Bush administration officials who were forced to divest themselves of investments saved a fortune when they dumped their Enron stock (currently worth $.36) for $50 a share.

It's always nice as a historian to see evidence of the historical attention-span of the US, and again today the NY Times & Washington Post fail to carry a story found in the Times of London, that between 1954 and 1973 the US army used 7th Day Adventist conscientious objectors as guinea pigs in biological warfare experiments.

Bush threatens Iraq, which his Right wants to be the next target, if it doesn’t admit UN inspectors.

The patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church (that's its pope) has appeared in an ad for an oil company.

Excuse of the week: Ashcroft's claim that he's keeping the list (and numbers) of detainees secret to protect their privacy rights. It would be bad enough if he had said to protect their privacy, but he actually said their right to privacy. Of course, there's no place more private than a prison where you're being held secretly without charge (remember that next time you're planning to get away from it all).

Safire's column yesterday talked about those 8 Germans tried by Bush-like military tribunal during WW II. It seems one of them actually called the FBI after he was put ashore, but they ignored him, and he called again until they believed him. The secret trial was to prevent this becoming known. FDR planned to resist the Supreme Court if it tried to give them a real trial, but this was the Court that allowed Japanese internment, so not much hope of that. I presume that just because Bush "orders" that there be no appeal from the tribunals to a real court, that isn't anything the courts actually have to take any cognizance of (although Congress could do it), but perhaps someone with a law degree will correct me if I'm wrong?

Here's a story you'd really like to see videotape of: 3 farmers were trying to kill a pig in Hungary. The first one electrocutes himself, whereupon the second has a fatal heart attack (the first one died too), and the third injures himself with the stun gun. The pig survived, and is laughing its ass off.

At the annual Royal Variety Show, which as it sounds is a variety show, the cast of the musical version of the Full Monty performed a bit. Yes, they showed the queen their penises.

After reading that story in the Times, I was a little alarmed when I went to the Daily Telegraph and saw a headline Queen to Exhibit Hidden Royal Treasures.

There's nothing like reading several newspapers to make sure you have no idea what's going on. The New York Times says that Yemen is joining the fight against terrorism; the Times of London says Yemen's going to be one of the next targets, along with Sudan and Somalia.

A South Korean prisoner of war escapes from North Korea after 50 years. Not exactly Steve McQueen, is he?

Pakistan sends planes to evacuate its pro-Taliban forces from Afghanistan. Obviously with US permission.

The British royal family is giving an insight into the weird habits of British education. Prince William avoided (or did he?) a tradition at St Andrew's that involves heavy drinking and a shaving cream fight. Prince Harry played a traditional Eton game called The Wall, whose rules several newspapers devoted what seemed like pages to trying to explain. The game ended this year without a goal being scored. There hasn't been a goal scored in something like 90 years.

A major scandal at the journal Human Immunology, which published an article proving that Jews and Palestinians from the Middle East are genetically pretty much the same, so that the Jews are not a distinct people. The author got fired off the staff and the journal has written to university libraries suggesting they just rip those pages out.

Indeed, I keep seeing these stories about censorship in academia and I'm just so thrilled I can't tell you. By the way, did I mention what a great job George W. Bush is doing? One group compiling a blacklist is called the American Council of Trustees and Alumni, on whose board sits Lynne Cheney.

The NY Times mentioned a couple of days ago that there is a site with a "Rapture Index," where they put a numerical value to the likelihood of the world ending on any given day. Evidently September 24 was a record.

At the Observer.co.uk/comment you can find a page called Sunday Surfer which has links to various websites in which you can find out your pirate name, your Sopranos mob name, your Oz prison bitch name, what Mr T. would call you, and so on.

The tv show Big Brother has reached Russia, where they're too drunk to notice the irony. Also, it has a different name there. So here's the skinny: Margo started fooling around with Olga, including showering with her. Olga was voted off the show, so she went after Alexander (more showering). His girlfriend got upset so he had to leave the show to make up with her. Margo has had sex with Max a couple of times now, and if you wanted confirmed what you always thought about Russian sex: 63 seconds.

I only realized after I sent out the last e-mail how amusing it is that the news that Bush cut refugee quotas was reported (indeed, hidden) in the Thanksgiving newspapers. Now that's irony!

Speaking of irony, Bush gave a speech yesterday saying that women should be involved in any new Afghan government, which he said should be "broadly-based."

This week, Rummy Rumsfeld has said that he wants bin Laden dead rather than alive, that the US troops in Afghanistan have orders to take no prisoners, and that the foreign Islamists in Afghanistan shouldn't be allowed to leave the country. Mark those speeches as exhibits one, two and three at a war crimes trial, if there were any justice in this world, which there is not. I've grown to really really dislike Rumsfeld, so much so that I just split an infinitive and I don't even care. I hate his voice; I hate his smug face; I hate his suits.

If it's good enough for the US, it's good enough for the rest of the world, at least when it comes to destroying human rights. India's Hindu nationalist government, the NY Times says, is implementing anti-terrorism legislation exactly modeled on ours, indefinite detention and all. So, according to the British press, is Zimbabwe's increasingly mad president Mugabe. More to come there.

Before I forget, a congratulations to the Portland police force for resisting FBI requests to hassle foreigners on little if any evidence.

I've been meaning to talk about the religious war this isn't supposed to be for some time. It's not a war against Islam, we hear over and over. Of course it is, it's just less clear who the other side is supposed to be, and that lack of clarity suggests why Islam is bit by bit winning the war. It isn't Christianity against Islam, although for some people it certainly is, including I'd venture to say Ashcroft and Bush. But the anti-Islamic side is too diverse for that, and I'm not talking about Israel (which responded to Powell's toned-down speech on the Middle East by firing shells into a school and simultaneously destroying Palestinian housing in a refugee camp yet while reinforcing the settlements), but China, which took advantage of the excuse for another major crackdown that noone's paying attention to, the Philippines, Russia and the Central Asian republics which are always happy to kick some Islamist ass, and on and on. These countries are defending the nation-state against an Islam which is either separatist or trans-national. The only nation-state really holding its own against militant Islam is Turkey, and it won't last forever, and it accomplishes it largely through coercion, by shutting down cultural forms and by forcing Islamic head-dress off of women by the same force the Taliban used to put it on. The problem is, in the ideological fight between militant Islam and the nation-state, only one seems actually to stand for anything. What did Algeria stand for as a nation when it abolished elections the Islamists were going to win? Or Turkey, stand for anything. What did Algeria stand for as a nation when it abolished elections the Islamists were going to win? Or Turkey, really? What are the values deployed by the Russian state to win over people attracted to a political Islam? And how about America? Bush told us all to stand up to the terrorists by shopping, but forgot to suggest that people stand up to the terrorists by voting in the states and localities that had elections this month. And this is America, which is supposed to be a model. You know how the US is a model, don't you? It's vain and self-centered and has big fake tits. It's the reason we don't have to practice what we preach and don't have to spend much of anything on foreign aid, compared to other industrial countries, and do all the horrible things we do in the world. Because we're a model, dammit, and it's our job to do whatever we want to do while the rest of the world looks on in admiration.

Speaking of big fake tits, enjoy your turkey, and pass me the white meat.

Hatred of refugees continues to increase. John Howard was re-elected as prime minister of Australia on a platform of beating up refugees. The new Danish government's slogan will be Keep Denmark Blonde and Bland. And, oh yes, Bush just cut the refugee quota for this country by another 10,000.

Fuzzy math: stories in the NY Times Wednesday & Washington Post Thursday about the persistence of the number of 5,000 dead for September 11, although the real number is nowhere near that high.

Fuzzier math: what is this "reward of up to $25 million" for bin Laden. Is that like, "You are already a winner, you've either won $25 million or fries"?

Speaking of bait and switch, Bush, who promised that half of that $40 billion would go to NY, decided that the city only deserved $9 billion, now $11 billion after complaints from NY Republican congresscritters.

The great communicationizer

Headline in today's NY Times "Bush Offers Public Defense of Military Tribunals Order." Bush said: "To the critics, I say I made the absolute right decision."

OK, it's terrible grammar, but what an argument, huh?

So does anyone believe that the US bombing of the Al-Jazeera transmitter was an accident? And why is there no one objecting to it?

I forgot to follow up on that congressman John Cooksey of Louisiana, who made the comment about people with diapers on their heads 2 months back. Coming from the state he's coming from, y'all may have thought he was a hick in a pickup truck, and he may well be. But he's also an eye surgeon.

One of the Guardian's columnists, I think one I've forwarded pieces by before on the US and Afghanistan, says she's getting a lot of hate mail from the US and is happy about the quantity of salt water between her and them. And then does it again. She says that the US, subordinating everything else to its efforts re bin Laden and making deals with the unsavory Northern Alliance, is treating the entire country of Afghanistan as collateral damage.

There was a story in the Sunday Times of London about pro-anorexia websites, but I've been unable to find them. They defend anorexia as a lifestyle choice and give advice about how to hide it from your parents. Anyone know about this? One site originates in Stanford and there was some reference to "Goddess Anna." As a movement, they may or may not be called the Starving Annas. I don't know what that means, but a google search suggests an unusual array of celebrities whom some people care to designate as goddesses.

Slapstick will never die as long as there are cats. As pissed as I am at Turquoise for bringing in that mouse 24 days ago and losing it, I'm certainly enjoying watching her try to catch it again. She finally succeeded Friday. And lost it again. Today she actually touched it with her paw. And lost it. The cartoons once again did not lie to us: mice are smarter than cats.

John Mortimer, the author of Rumpole of the Bailey and whatnot, aged 78, has been discovering Tantric sex. His favorite position is The Plumber: you stay in all day but nobody comes.

89 Senators sign a letter telling Bush not to criticize Israel.

Laura Bush gives the weekly radio address today, on the subject of how badly the Taliban treated women. I'm guessing she just found out about it.

Never has the CIA/military lost control of its clients so rapidly as in Afghanistan, where the warlords are already telling us to get lost so they can get on with their looting and score-settling. Funny, they were so courteous to their guests when it was bin Laden et al, but all of a sudden the US and British military are being treated like a flatulent mother-in-law....

The US mysteriously gets its aid workers/missionaries back from Afghanistan, and every newspaper has a different version of how it happened. Mark my words now, because there will be an I told you so later: we paid ransom to someone. No question in my mind.

Radio Sharia has changed its name to Radio Afghanistan and has broadcast the voice of a woman for the first time in 5 years, the slut.

Music can also now be heard, although as the Daily Show pointed out, they are 5 years behind the times and still like the macarena.

Speaking of crap music, Dubya forced Putin to listen to a concert of country music. Shortly after that, for some reason, any chance of a deal on Son of Star Wars disappeared.

Evidently that story about the Arab who wanted to learn to fly a plane but not to take off or land was a complete falsification. Too good a story to check the facts.

If the US does go ahead with that military court thing, the only method of execution open to it is firing squad.

The Dems have changed the rules on primaries, allowing more early
primaries so that candidates with more money will sew up the nomination more quickly. And somehow, California will be screwed again.

So Gore won Florida after all. Bush is so protected from the press, and the press so lapdoggy, that I wouldn't be surprised if we never hear his reaction. (Several good pieces of analysis in Slate)

Speaking of democracy, Israel decided to strip an MP of immunity and prosecute him for speech-crimes. I wish they'd stop pretending to be a democracy. By the way, the deputy is not only an Arab, as the American media seem to be willing to report, but a Christian, which for whatever reason they are not.

Still speaking of democracy, Nicaragua obeyed American instructions and did not return Daniel Ortega to the presidency. You did know that the US had been threatening reprisals if the Nicaraguans made the wrong choice, didn't you? If you didn't, thanks again to the American media, which will also shortly forget that there was ever a country named Afghanistan.

Congratulations, on the other hand, to John Simpson, who marched into Kabul and claimed it for the BBC. Simpson earlier snuck into Afghanistan in a burka. He was also the one in Baghdad 10 years ago who was reporting while outside his window a cruise missile took a left turn at a stoplight, and generally has this incredible deathwish that's made him so interesting to watch. Evidently he started out his career in 1970 by being hit in the stomach by Harold Wilson. The Guardian ran a bio in tomorrow's paper (grammatically incorrect, factually correct, sorry) as well as stories of war reporters past, the ones who went onshore in Normandy, the first reporter into Paris in 1944 (Ernest Hemingway, who liberated the Travellers Club, the Ritz and 50 martinis), and Marguerite Higgins of AP, who liberated Dachau in 1944, literally, she arrived before any troops and got 22 SS to surrender to her.

It seems that Kim Philby was originally recruited by the KGB to
assassinate Franco.

Well, I said that the last thing Bush wanted was what he insisted two months ago was the only thing he wanted, the trial of bin Laden. I was wrong, but only because I was thinking of a trial as something that involved evidence, a jury and rule by law. Silly me. He actually plans military tribunals behind closed doors and preferably in some foreign country, with evidence kept secret (if there is any). Evidently military tribunals have been used before, for example to execute 8 German saboteurs put ashore in 1942, and to execute the alleged accomplices of John Wilkes Booth. The latter is generally considered to have been a travesty of justice, so it's probably about right. By the way, the criterion for somebody having to go before a military rather than a real court is a "finding" by the president that they are a member of a terrorist organization. In other words, they have already been found guilty without a trial, by a process that violates the separation of powers.

Time will tell what really happened in Afghanistan this week. Rout, or strategic retreat? The Northern "Alliance" now occupies too much territory, too many cities, and has nothing to spare to go on the offensive. It has also shattered the international "alliance" which opposes the Taliban but doesn't think much of them. Still, did anyone really think there was going to be a broad coalition in power? About as likely as the plans being floated by the US and Britain for occupation of Kabul by the UN or by Muslim nations only. And the Taliban still have those US missionaries. The one thing Bush has done right is not to talk about them at all. Maybe he learned one thing from his father about not paying off kidnappers.

Burundi is currently detaining a suspected spy--a stork with monitoring device.

As bad as John Aschroft is, when he introduced internment without trial, he at least didn't use the occasion to denounce "air fairy civil liberties" like British Home Secretary David Blunkett.

If you're looking for humor, that'll be the next e-mail.

I must report two deaths, that of Joe "Spud" M, well you'll have to look up the name if you give a shit, or I'll have to learn how to read my own handwriting. He's the inventor of the cheese and onion potato chip. And Ken Kesey, who probably felt the need for munchies on more than one occasion, if you catch my drift.

OK, I warned you: in South Africa, a 9-month old is gang raped because, as we all know, that's a cure for AIDS.

The war continues, and bombing continues, three weeks after the Pentagon said it had bombed everything worth bombing. So are they bombing worthless shit, or did all the first bombs miss? You be the judge, because they aren't talking. The Morons' War is getting more and more moronic, more and more unrelated to its ostensible aims. And the US, which started out self-obsessed, has just gotten more so. Even normally intelligent people, like William Saletan of Slate, are writing that the Taliban is to blame for the US bombing civilians, because they position tanks and anti-aircraft weapons amongst civilians. Under what scenario would anyone make it easy for their weaponry to be targeted? In what sense did the fact that the US decided to bomb a country obligate that country to make it easy? Bush today told the UN that it was everyone else's "duty" to help us in our war, which looks increasingly like our war despite efforts to pretend it was everyone's war. And he also said that other countries can't pick and choose between terrorists. Oh really? Here are ours:

November 11 2001 TERRORISM

THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE'S CRUEL HISTORY: Mujaheddin write their name in blood

Jon Swain, Peshawar
....
In a macabre ritual known as "dead men dancing", victims' heads were chopped off. Petrol was then pumped into their necks and set alight as the blood spurted out and the bodies jerked about in their death throes.

In Afghanistan, rape, mutilation and torture have been rife over the past decade. The skinning alive of victims has been a particular favourite of warring groups, along with the roasting of prisoners in containers left in the desert sun.

The Afghan warlord whose perverted mind dreamt up the "dead man
dancing" routine was Abdul Ali Mazari, a leader of the Hazaras, Afghanistan's Persian-speaking ethnic minority. Mazari headed a group called Hizb-i-Wahdat, which is now a key part of the Northern Alliance, the loose confederation of militias that is the spearhead in Afghanistan of America's and Britain's war on terrorism.

....

Russia has reintroduced the concept of the closed city. Cancel your winter vacation plans to visit Norilsk.

rubberbandguns.com

Health officials say that they may never completely sterilize the Hart Senate Office Building. Nor will they ever get out that old man Strom Thurmond smell.

Bush ended yesterday's speech "My fellow Americans: Let's roll." Oh good, now he thinks he's in a '70s cop show.

Gored by a gnu

I was in the public library today reading microfilm when a gaggle of let's say 10-year olds wandered into the room. One of them asked me what I was doing and I said that I was reading a newspaper from 1872. "That's crazy!" one of them exclaimed.

It hasn't made the American press, but Ariel Sharon says that he wants another 1 million Jewish immigrants to Israel. It's not clear where he thinks he'll find that many. Argentina? The US?

In a Spanish animal park, a keeper is gored to death by a gnu. I don't have anything to say about that, but isn't it a great phrase? Gored by a gnu. Say it out loud. Gored by a gnu. Makes you feel good just to say it.

The Justice Department has decided to listen in on conversations between federal inmates and their lawyers. Terrorism, you know. It is against the lawyers' code of professional responsibility to speak with a client without confidentiality, so these people have been effectively stripped of their right to counsel. Or at least ethical counsel.

Gored by a gnu.

A newspaper ad is now running asking "What do Saddam Hussein and Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle Have in Common? Neither Man wants America to drill for oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge."

That's like so September 10.

I'm informed that that last phrase is now in among the teenagers.

Palm Beach County is auctioning off its voting machines. I assume the lower bid wins. Ba dum BUM.

That undisclosed location Cheney went off to: he's been shooting
partridges.

Gored by a gnu.

Combover theater

You can tell how much Bush is worried about support dropping off for the Moron's Crusade: he's starting to claim that bin Laden is trying to go nuclear. This is precisely the same claim his father introduced several weeks into the War to Make the World Safe for Feudalism, when public support for going to the rescue of the oil shieks of Kuwait had failed to develop.

Saw Satan, I mean Henry Kissinger, being interviewed on ITN yesterday on how we should bomb the crap out of Afghanistan. You understand this is the man who until recently was employed by Unocal to try to get the US to recognize the Taliban as the official government of Afghanistan.

Remember those pictures of baby seals being clubbed to death back in the '70s? If you're like most people, your reaction was "Where can I sign up for that?" The answer may be coming: the Norwegian minister of fisheries has suggested turning the seal hunt into a tourist industry.

I just saw a book ad for "Bound to Please: A History of the Victorian Corset."

The Sunday Washington Post has a couple of worthwhile articles, one analyzing the detainees, and how the government is using detention as a tool, the other on the eroding line between law enforcement and intelligence-gathering, the very thing I was complaining a week or more ago about no one talking about. Better late than never. Also worth leading, the Seymour Hersh article in the New Yorker, "King's Ransom," available online, about Saudi Arabia's instability and US policy through the years. One thing it says which I kind of assumed, but it's nice to have confirmed, is that the Saudis asked us to restrain the CIA from operating there and that it complied, with results that should be obvious. Tom Friedman wrote a week or so back that in the 1980s they asked the US to recall an ambassador who was actually speaking to Saudi people. We took the hint and never since have we sent an ambassador who speaks Arabic. Ya know, all Afghanistan ever did to us was give sanctuary to someone we don't like. Saudi has a much higher population of those, and provides most of the money.

It's not just t-shirts that are a problem in the schools. I'm so glad I'm not a parent, I'd be in a constant state of outrage. Evidently it's now quite common to use drug-sniffing dogs on the students, just have the dog go up and down the rows.

Evidently bin Laden's "Afghan Arabs" all expect to die. One preparation they've been making is buying husbands for their sisters and daughters, by which I mean going into an Afghan village one night, asking who wants a wife, and giving him some money for promising to protect her. Like a fairytale romance, isn't it? Some of them are quite young, of course. Good luck with the rest of your lives, girls.

People in New York have been buying canaries lately. To warn of poison gas attacks.

The NY Times says that of the 1,100+ detained by the Justice Department, most were actually arrested and released. Leading to the conclusion that Justice, which has miserably failed in all its terrorism investigations, is so anxious to look like it's doing something that it's willing to imply that it's been setting up gulags packed full of aliens. For the same reason, Ashcroft gratuitously insisted that 3 of the detainees had advance notice of the attacks, which Justice then had to deny.

Bin Laden sent out another videotape today, and you wouldn't know it from CNN, Bush's little lap dog. I saw it on the BBC world news. Evidently this is a holy war between Muslims and Christians. That lets me out then; don't have a dog in that fight.

R's have been lambasting poor hapless Gov. Davis for not sitting on the FBI's warning. It seems like even the FBI is in on it, pretending that its initial warning was more tenuous than it actually was. This is partisanship at its lowest. Presumably if he wasn't supposed to warn people he also wasn't supposed to take any precautions at all to protect the bridges, because such protections would be noticed and commented on and that might make people afraid. Especially deserving of a slap, Bill Jones, who is planning to run against Davis, who hypocritically started out that he certainly wasn't criticizing, BUT that the governor of Washington hadn't felt any need to issue a warning. Yes, a warning about a terrorist threat to bridges, and California only has the Golden Gate Bridge, while Washington has that really famous bridge, you know the one, what's its name again?

Cocked and ready, if you know what I mean

Rumsfeld says that more special forces are "cocked and ready" for action in Afghanistan.

Speaking of cocked and ready, one of the changes in military policy under the Bush administration is the reversal of moves to integrate women into military life. Most of his appointees are of the no-girls-club tendency.

Speaking of cocked, but not so ready, there was a disagreement in the House of Commons today over whether it was the Taliban or the Northern Alliance who cut off the last president's penis and stuck it in his mouth.

Speaking of cocked and ready, Viagra-junkie Bob Dole, discussing vengeance for 9/11 (he was for it), quoted Melville: "Beware the people weeping when they bear the iron hand." I'd beware them a little less if they are able to do more with their iron hand than hold a pencil in it. What an odd metaphor for Dole to be using. Speaking of the handicapped, new British home secretary David Blunkett went on a ride-along with a cop, which is somewhat pointless since he's blind (Blunkett, not the cop).

No one noticed it, but at the Hague Tribunal yesterday, Milosevic claimed that he was fighting Bin Laden in Kosovo.

Bush signed an executive order designed to keep his records secret forever, and those of previous presidents. The Washington Post thinks he's protecting members of his administration who served in the Reagan administration from embarrassment, while evidently forgetting that Bush's father was vice president and involved in Iran-Contra and whatnot.

A French female astronaut has returned from space. She brought a teddy bear with her. Awwww.

I got my notice from the postmaster general today telling me what to do with suspicious mail. I also got a leaflet for the journal Anglo-Saxon England. What would Beowulf have done?

The health & fitness section of the Times today leads with a story "A Career Spent in Study of Training And Exercise, Lap by Grueling Lap." I lost interest when it turned out to be about swimming, not lap dancing.

With "President" Bush at the World Series, the Times says, there were almost as many cops on duty as the time John Rocker returned to play.

Also in today's paper was a piece by Paul Krugman (op-ed) on the alternative minimum corporate income tax the R's are so anxious to repeal retroactively to 1986. It seems that a great percentage of the benefit would go to energy and mining companies. Dick Cheney strikes again, from an undisclosed location.

Speaking of which: Cheney hiding in a bomb shelter, Bush at a ball game. I'm guessing that one of these two is over-reacting and the other under-reacting, and that the appropriate behaviour is somewhere in the middle.

All employees at the Supreme Court were negative for anthrax, but a pubic hair was found in Clarence Thomas's Coke.

Government warns us to be worried that something might happen sometime to someone, they're pretty sure. So we should all be on the lookout for...something. I personally think Ashcroft meant that we're about to be invaded by midget Taliban wearing masks; if I see any I'm planning to hit them with a shovel.

Someone looked at the US government documents relating to the coup that deposed the Afghan king we're trying to put back. It seems we didn't think much of him and, oh yeah, had advanced information of the coup (a year in advance).

One of the places the US military is now fighting Al Qaeda is in the Philippines.

And this week we've started training Nicaraguan military officers at the School of the Americas, or whatever it's calling itself this week (you remember how they solved the problem of the place's reputation for training torturers and death-squad leaders by changing its name? if not, there's an article on it in the www.guardian.co.uk/columnists, which compares it with bin Laden's training camps).

Global warming has claimed its first nation, Tuvalu, known only for its valuable internet domain name (.tv). It has given up and will move to New Zealand.

Some guy who saw that annoying French film The Red Balloon (which my two elementary schools both subjected me to many times) set himself aloft with 600 balloons, cutting himself free and parachuting to earth from 11,000 feet.

So the food packets dropped on Afghanistan are yellow and the unexploded cluster bombs are also yellow. That was clever.

The honeymoon is finally beginning to show signs of strain, and as a post-Clinton "president" should have known, it's the spin, stupid. You'll remember I commented a few days after 9/11 that all the talk about reassuring Americans that it was safe to fly was more about spin than about actually making it safe, and was phrased as such: making Americans feel safe. No one noticed that, but when they tried to do it at the start of the anthrax thing, with absolutely no information, just being reflexively reassuring, it began not to look so good. Now they're evidently lying about Bush's health. He's not getting thinner, he just redistributed it.

I have another quote, or paraphrase actually, that applies well to American foreign policy, although it was originally applied by Sir Oswald Mosley to Mussolini's foreign policy: it triumphs like a drunken driver, not by reason of his own skill but because all sober people had been concerned to get out of his way.

Continuing its failing propaganda war, the US has been dropping wind-up radios on Afghanistan. They are capable of receiving only one frequency. You're probably thinking right now about the irony of sending radios that can only receive American propaganda as a way of pluralism. Or maybe you're thinking about the FCC's decision this week to let Rupert Murdoch own as much of a single market as he wants. But think again about it, and you'll realize that anyone caught with this radio does not have the excuse that he was using it to listen to the Pakistani top ten, so anyone caught with this radio is likely to be killed.

Speaking of unremarked details, I haven't belabored the "anti-terrorism" legislation, with its elimination of any procedural safeguards, privacy, civil rights etc., so I'll just talk about one aspect, which some idiot reporter didn't notice when talking about it on Washington Week in Review yesterday. She said that the CIA has just mounds of data awaiting this bill to pass so that it could share it with law-enforcement officials under the provision allowing for the sharing of info between agencies. OK, first obviously there was nothing stopping the CIA from doing that before, except the fact that the CIA doesn't share information. But what this provision really did was make it possible for evidence collected in, say, grand jury proceedings, to be handed over to intelligence agencies. The criminal justice system was just coopted by the intelligence establishment, and that does not bode well at all.