Obama’s oil spill speech: the Blessing of the Fleet

Obama gave a prime-time address to the nation on the BP oil spill.

MY, SUCH VIOLENT LANGUAGE: “I’ve returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast to speak with you about the battle we’re waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.”

OH, SO THAT’S WHY: “That’s why just after the rig sank, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge”.


UNLESS YOU COUNT CHENEY’S SECRET ENERGY TASK FORCE: “Already, this oil spill is the worst environmental disaster America has ever faced.”

WAIT, I THOUGHT IT WAS AS ASSAULT: “And unlike an earthquake or a hurricane, it’s not a single event... The millions of gallons of oil that have spilled into the Gulf of Mexico are more like an epidemic”.

THAT’S THE THING ABOUT OBAMA: HE NEVER WANTS US TO MAKE ANY MISTAKES: “But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we’ve got for as long as it takes.” He didn’t say what we’ve got or how long it will take.

WAIT, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EPIDEMIC: “And sadly, no matter how effective our response is, there will be more oil and more damage before this siege is done.”

INFORMING: “Tomorrow, I will meet with the chairman of BP and inform him that he is to set aside whatever resources are required to compensate the workers and business owners who have been harmed as a result of his company’s recklessness.” I’m guessing he’ll “inform” Tony Hayward of that because he lacks the legal authority to order him to do it.


WHAT WE NEED: “we need a long-term plan to restore the unique beauty and bounty of this region.” And booty. And Ned Beatty.

NOBODY COULD HAVE PREDICTED...: “A few months ago, I approved a proposal to consider new, limited offshore drilling under the assurance that it would be absolutely safe –- that the proper technology would be in place and the necessary precautions would be taken.”

RUH ROH: “the transition to clean energy has the potential to grow our economy and create millions of jobs -– but only if we accelerate that transition. Only if we seize the moment. And only if we rally together and act as one nation”.

How will he “seize the moment” and “act as one nation”? By listening to Republicans, of course, because that always helps. “So I’m happy to look at other ideas and approaches from either party -– as long they seriously tackle our addiction to fossil fuels.” And then he’ll adopt those ideas and the Republicans will vote against them anyway, the end.

WHAT THE ONE APPROACH HE WILL NOT ACCEPT IS: “But the one approach I will not accept is inaction.” Oo, big talk. And what about failure? Is that an option, or is it maybe not an option?

And we can do it, he says, because we put a man on the moon, even though some people said it couldn’t be done. Which was the proof that technology can do anything at all, including drill safely for oil a mile beneath the ocean, so enough with the moon landing thing already, is what I’m saying.

“And yet, time and again, we have refused to settle for the paltry limits of conventional wisdom. Instead, what has defined us as a nation since our founding is the capacity to shape our destiny -– our determination to fight for the America we want for our children. Even if we’re unsure exactly what that looks like. Even if we don’t yet know precisely how we’re going to get there. We know we’ll get there.” Er, where was that again?


His big finish was about a local tradition called the “Blessing of the Fleet,” which he heard about in his many trips to the Gulf Coast or possibly when he rented The Perfect Storm. Priests of miscellaneous religions bless the shrimp boats, which then go out and sink, because “The blessing is not that God has promised to remove all obstacles and dangers. The blessing is that He is with us always.” Like the images in our brains of oil-coated pelicans.

Everything you need to know about the war in Afghanistan...

you can tell by Gen. David Petraeus’s unconsciousness.

Today -100: June 15, 1910: Of street corner oratory and the perversion of faith and morals

A mob of white men in Darrington, Washington expels 30 Japanese working for the United States Lumber Company from the town after partaking of “much street corner oratory.”

The pope withdraws the encyclical that so pissed off the Germans, referring to Luther as “heretical” and Protestantism “the perversion of faith and morals”. Now the Vatican says it didn’t intend to insult anyone.

Today -100: June 14, 1910: Of the rights of citizenship, American intervention in Nicaragua (I know!), and typoos

Teddy Roosevelt, at long last returning to America aboard the SS Kaiserin Auguste Victoria, showed that common touch for which he is renowned, attending a Catholic service in steerage. He welcomed the immigrants to America, warned them against associating with strangers upon landing, and “exhorted them to be mindful of the duties of citizenship and to protect the rights of women.”

Nicaraguan President Madriz sends a letter to Taft protesting the actions of the commander of the US gunboat Paducah, who threatened to fight government forces if they occupied the port of Bluefields, effectively protecting the Estradists as they retreated from the town. Then he insisted that customs duties not be paid to the government, now in possession of the customs house, but to the revolutionists. Evidently some of the rebel ships are flying the American flag.

The NYT index I use for these posts is full of sloppy typos, or possibly mis-readings based on faded newsprint. A few days ago I enjoyed “German Protest to Pore” (Pope). Today the supposed first paragraph of one story reads: “Declaring that, he is willing to resign his scat in Congress if he fails to convince a fairminded committee that the Administration should be investigated with regard tao the sale of sugur lands in the Philippines, Representative Martin of Colorado introduced another resolution in the House to-day upon this subject.” That’s a serious threat, because you know how much Rep. Martin loved his scat.

Obit of the Day

A neurologist who helped coin the term “persistent vegetative state”: Fred Plum.

Today -100: June 13, 1910: Governor’s daughter stoned

A royal decree in Spain allows non-Catholic religious societies to display the insignia for public worship and other ceremonies (I’m not sure precisely what that means, but you get the general idea). The Vatican formally protests.

And a papal encyclical denouncing Martin Luther (in case the last three or four centuries of papal encyclicals denouncing Martin Luther hadn’t sunk in) leads to protests in Germany.

A referendum in the relatively new state of Oklahoma decided that there would be a permanent capital and that it would be Oklahoma City. The governor’s 17-year-old daughter cheered the outcome, but made the mistake of doing so on the streets of Guthrie; she was stoned. That is, stones were thrown at her. The state seal was “secretly rushed” from Guthrie to Oklahoma City in an automobile (Ms Haskell rushed from Guthrie to Oklahoma City by train).

Today -100: June 12, 1910: Of homesteads and savages

Taft opens up federal lands in Colorado and Wyoming to homesteading, to prevent Americans emigrating to the Canadian north-west.

Creepy Headline of the Day -100: “Japan To Wipe Out Savages.” The aborigines of Formosa. Okay, headhunters, but when one group of people is announcing plans to “wipe out” another group of people, a little self-reflection might be appropriate before affixing the word savages. Here’s the New York Times’s opinion: “As the Japanese appear unable to enter into any lasting truce with them or induce them to submit to civilization, there seems nothing for it now bu war to the knife, which means extermination of the wretches.” Or they could, you know, stop trying to colonize the Formosans’ land.

BP turducken

Lizz Winstead tweet: “Stop running ads for BP unless Tony Hayward is standing there covered in oil holding a pelican covered in oil.”

What’s the word for a seagull covered in oil stuffed inside a pelican covered in oil stuffed inside a Tony Hayward covered in oil?

Bullhorn moment

Lindsey Graham says Obama needs “a bullhorn moment where he went to the Gulf of Mexico and said, ‘We’re going to get this right, I’m going to get on it.’” So President Canute needs to go to the Gulf and yell at the oil spill. Excellent advice, Huckleberry.

Today -100: June 11, 1910: Of Finland and Mexico

Russia removes whatever autonomy Finland’s Diet had.

Mexican troops recapture Valladolid.

We are protesting so that people know we are not killers

In the most terrifying protest ever, professional clowns in San Salvador, who make money annoying people on public transportation, protested against people who dress up as clowns and rob people on public transportation (Monday a clown shot a bus passenger who refused to pay up).





The horror. The horror.

Today -100: June 10, 1910: Of pogroms

Borisov, A Russian town largely populated by Jews, has been burned down.

Why dreams need hyperlinks

So I was just taking a nap and in my dream I was reading in The Nation about an incident (which I was also seeing) in which the president of Honduras ordered some subordinate taken away and tortured. Then I looked up (I was on a street corner, I believe in L.A.) and there he was, the president of Honduras, crossing the street, all by himself, wearing khakis. So naturally I yelled “Thug” at him, and he stormed over, and I tried to show him the article I’d just been reading but I couldn’t find it again as I leafed desperately through the several issues of The Nation I had with me on my sofa (still on that street corner). It was very frustrating.

Today -100: June 9, 1910: A second sober thought

In the Yucatan, Indian insurgents massacre officials and others, 40 or more, in Valladolid and are occupying the town.

The president of the United States Brewers’ Association reassures its annual convention that “the American people have taken a second sober thought” and now reject prohibition. The Executive Committee issued a report: “The whole vegetable world is in a conspiracy against the prohibitionist. The bees become intoxicated with the distillation of the honey suckle; the wasps grow dizzy in the drowsy clover patch, and even the ants wobble in their walk after they have feasted upon the overripe fruit fallen from the tree, which has started a natural fermentation.” And if it’s good enough for the bees, wasps and ants...

President Taft has rejected the demand from citizens of Seattle for the removal of the 25th Infantry, a black unit, after a member has allegedly assaulted a white woman.

The governor of Smolensk is using secret police to track down Jews, searching house to house and scouring the woods, were some have been hiding.

Today -100: June 8, 1910: Old-fashioned good times and good politics

Three days ago Taft said that socialism was the enemy. The NYT agrees “When both parties become convinced of the truth of this, and become once more respectively Democratic and Republican in the old-fashioned manner, then old-fashioned good times and good politics will be with us once more.”

The Supreme Court of the District of Columbia decides that while Isabel Wall (7) showed no visual signs of being a negro, he would not order the Board of Education to admit her to the white school. Justice Wright claims she is either 1/8th or 1/16th black (her family claims 1/128th), and that heredity rather than appearance is what counts: “Graduations shading toward black or fairness are of very insignificant concern in determining whether one is ‘colored.’”

Today -100: June 7, 1910: Rubber balls of doom

The number of Jews expelled from Kiev so far is 1,421.

In a letter to the Times, William McDowell, President of the League of Peace, asks that Charles Hamilton, who will be flying a plane from NY to Philadelphia, carry some rubber balls and drop them on ships, ferry boats, railroad junctions, City Hall, etc, to demonstrate, I guess, that we are all doomed and that the battleships Congress just authorized should not be built, because they can always be bombed from those new-fangled flying contraptions.

A little detail about the Rachel Corrie

Israel commandos hijacked the Rachel Corrie to an Israeli port, this time without killing anyone, but the one thing they refuse to do is acknowledge that the ship is called the Rachel Corrie. When they were radioing it, they called it by its old name Linda.

Today -100: June 6, 1910: O

O. Henry dies, at 43.

Headline of the Day -100: “Hair Will Be Scarcer.” China is forbidding the export of human hair, after incidents of women’s hair being cut off in crowds, and pauper corpses being exhumed and shorn. I guess “The Gift of the Magi” doesn’t really translate into Chinese.

Ultimately, this isn’t about me and how angry I am

Thursday, Obama was interviewed by Larry King.

WHAT HE WOULD LOVE TO SPEND A LOT OF HIS TIME DOING: On the BP oil spill: “And the one thing that I think is important to underscore is that I would love to just spend a lot of my time venting and yelling at people. But that’s not the job I was hired to do.”

IT’S ALSO ABOUT WHETHER YOU WORE THE RIGHT CLOTHES WHEN YOU WENT TO EXAMINE THE SCENE: “And, ultimately, this isn’t about me and how angry I am.”

He displayed even less human emotion when asked about the flotillacide. He carefully – oh so carefully – refrained from blaming Israel – “I think that we need to know what all the facts are.” – choosing his words with exquisitely precise vagueness: “Well, you know, the United States, with the other members of the U.N. Security Council, said very clearly that we condemned all the acts that led up to this violence.” All the acts, which could mean acts by the peace activists or the commandos, or, really, the entire history of the world before this week. And “this violence,” which could mean that of the commandos or that of the flotillaites. The very last thing he’s willing to say is that shooting unarmed civilians repeatedly at close range is a, you know, bad thing. “You’ve got loss of life that was unnecessary.” Pretty much by definition for any death not the result of natural causes. “And so we are calling for an effective investigation of everything that happened.” You know, everything. Just couldn’t bring himself to utter a single statement that focused exclusively on the people with the assault rifles.

He did an even-handed description of the living conditions of Israelis and Palestinians. Israel has “missiles raining down on cities,” which certainly suggests a much more systematic and lethal state of affairs than actually exists. Come to think of it, the total number of Israelis killed by rockets in the last few years is about equal to the number of people killed in the flotillacide. “On the other hand,” Obama went on, “you’ve got a blockade up that is preventing people in Palestinian Gaza from having job opportunities and being able to create businesses and engage in trade and have opportunity for the future.” So all the years-long blockade of medicine and building supplies and for fuck’s sake nutmeg has done to the Palestinians is to deprive them of a few job opportunities? Comparing the continuous rain of missiles on Israeli cities and the Gazans not having job opportunities etc, which one sounds more like a humanitarian crisis?

Today -100: June 5, 1910: Of pygmies, and the great problems confronting the American people and the socialist American people

In response to reports that a hitherto-unknown tribe of pygmies (ave. 4' 3") has been found in Dutch New Guinea, the NYT editorializes lamely, “We are not in pressing need of pigmies. Small men abound the world over. Washington seems at present to be full of pigmies, and Albany has more than its share. ... Let the discoverers take new heart and look for giants. We need a few giants in all walks of life.”

In a speech in Jackson, Michigan, Taft says that Socialism is the great problem confronting the American people.

And Victor Berger, head of the socialists in Milwaukee, says that socialists’ great problem is Catholicism.

Today -100: June 4, 1910: Of scabs, spies, and horns

Two strikebreakers from the Philadelphia trolley strike were convicted for involuntary manslaughter for running down and killing two strikers. Sentence: 1 year.

In the trial of Cleveland Police Chief Fred Kohler, the chairman of the Civil Service Commission rules that it is perfectly proper for the chief to use city detectives to spy on public officials and prominent men to see which ones go to saloons (Cleveland was not dry) or disorderly houses.

A letter to the Times from Charles Vezin, presumably the painter, criticizes car horns, especially the new buzzer horns, as “aural dum dum bullets.” “It is the most aggressive, insolent, and misanthropic note that mechanical ingenuity has evolved.”

Reminds me: I saw a little roadster, c.1920, tooling down the road yesterday. The driver was holding a Starbucks cup, which just seemed wrong.

We did not send bullies with knives and metal rods to TurkeyWe did not send bullies with knives and metal rods to Turkey

Hamas blocks entry of the flotilla aid into Gaza. Because they’re idiots. Turning back five truckloads of wheelchairs means they are now doing exactly what Israel is doing with the blockade, punishing ordinary Gazans for political reasons. Idiots.

Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman says the “entire blame” for the flotillacide rests with Turkey: “We didn’t start this provocation, we did not send bullies with knives and metal rods to Turkey.”

China bans the use of evidence obtained through torture in courts. Um, good.

Today -100: June 3, 1910: Of peace, women grads, and the color line

Congress is working on a bill to create a commission to promote the cause of international peace, to be headed by ex-President Roosevelt.

Taft delivers the commencement address at Bryn Mawr, his daughter Helen’s school. He came out in support of higher education for women, which is good because otherwise it might have been a tad awkward. He said “I utterly dissent” from the notion “that the higher education of women rather unfits them for the duties of a wife and mother, that in some way or other it robs them of a charm and gives them an intellectual independence that is inconsistent with their being the best wives and mothers.” It isn’t “essential... that she should make the extent of her knowledge a source of discomfort to those with whom she associates, or that she should lose her interest in the sentiment and emotions of life, or fail to have an appreciation of beauty and romance.” However, he warned graduates against being discontented when they return to their homes; “A young lady with a higher education has much to learn after graduation in the homely details and the drudgery of ordinary life, and the sooner she learns it the happier”. He claimed that women teachers are paid less than men because of the laws of supply and demand.

The D.C. Supreme Court will decide if a white school has to accept a student (with “flaxen hair, blue eyes, a fair complexion”) it tried to exclude because she is 1/128th black. There was a word for that, by the way: mustee.

It was a boat of hatred

Joe Biden says it was “legitimate” to board the flotilla, although “you can argue whether Israel should have dropped people onto that ship or not”. Not. And he wonders what the “big deal” (shouldn’t that be “big fucking deal”?) was about landing in Gaza rather than in an Israeli port. But since he says specifically of building materials, “they could have easily brought it in here and we’d get it through,” one has to wonder if Biden actually knows that Israel bans the entry of cement and other building material into Gaza. Indeed, possibly he doesn’t know that there’s a blockade of Gaza, which would explain why he doesn’t understand what the big deal is.

Biden says that an investigation run entirely by Israelis is just fine, comparing it to the investigation of North Korea allegedly sinking the South Korean sub being conduct by South Korea. For that comparison to work, wouldn’t the investigation have to have been conducted by North Korea?

Netanyahu says the flotilla was “directed by terrorists.” “That was not a Love Boat, it was a boat of hatred.”

Today -100: June 2, 1910: Of Jim Crow, talking to girls, mad Russians, and spurious frankfurters

The Supreme Court rules in Chiles v. Chesapeake and Ohio Railroad Company, that “separate but equal” accommodations on inter-state trains are okay, in effect reversing an 1875 decision that states could not impose Jim Crow laws on inter-state commerce (technically, the rules were those of the railway company, which just so happened to follow the Kentucky law, but the Court said that since Congress didn’t explicitly ban it from doing so, “the inaction of Congress was equivalent to the declaration that a carrier could, by regulations, separate colored and white interstate passengers”). The Court said, citing Plessy v. Ferguson, that “Regulations which are induced by the general sentiment of the community for whom they are made and upon whom they operate cannot be said to be unreasonable.” Incidentally, the black passenger in the case, James Alexander Chiles, was a lawyer who argued his own case and was (probably) the first black person to argue before the Supreme Court.

Headline of the Day -100: “Taft Talks to Girls.” At the commencement exercises of Trinity College for Girls.

Assistant Secretary of the Navy Beekman Winthrop says that “There is no danger of the brutalizing of our national character by a large navy”. So that’s all right then. Indeed, “no country has ever acted toward other countries with such altruistic motives as have marked our course in recent years toward Cuba, the Philippines, and Porto Rico.”

A mad Russian throws something first thought to be a bomb, but actually a can of beans, at Crown Prince Friedrich Wilhelm in Berlin. He missed.

A Chinese man tries to smuggle four pounds of opium into the country, concealed in “spurious frankfurters.” I love that phrase.

Hey philistines!

Yesterday I posted a link to the website of art student Emily Henochowicz, whose eye the Israelis shot out. Did even one of you click through to check out her art? No, you did not. Do it now. There will be a quiz later.

Today -100: June 1, 1910: Of pioneers and protectorates

Elizabeth Blackwell, the first woman doctor in the United States (though born in Britain), having graduated medical school in 1849, has died at 80.

The State Department is thinking about making Nicaragua a “protectorate.” Or possibly having Mexico make it a protectorate. Or just taking over its finances (the big worry for the US, naturally, is that both sides are trying to collect customs duties). The US policy for the last 6 months has been not to recognize either the Madriz government or the Estradists.

Flotillacide

Trust Israel to portray itself as the victim of a senseless attack for an incident in which its commandos slaughtered 10 to 16 peace activists in international waters.

Netanyahu claims, in asserting that his massacre was an act of self-defense, said there was “even a report of gunfire and our soldiers had to defend themselves, defend their lives or they would have been killed.” Interesting that Bibi, not known for his aversion to lying, is not claiming there was actual gunfire from the activists.

In Obama’s phone call with Netanyahu, he is said to have “expressed deep regret at the loss of life in today’s incident, and concern for the wounded, many of whom are being treated in Israeli hospitals.” Wow, treated in Israeli hospitals? Well, that makes it all okay. Did the White House really have to slip that in?

Another lucky recipient of that famed Israeli generosity: New York art student Emily Henochowicz (her website) was treated – and what a treat it was! – in an Israeli hospital, which removed her left eye after she was shot in the face with a tear gas cannister during a protest of the flotillacide.

Today -100: May 31, 1910: Run, Taft, run

Misleading Headline of the Day -100: “Taft Enjoys Fast Run.” Turns out to be his train.

Roosevelt gave a speech (full text) in London today. Reactions to it will fill the paper for days, including praise, vitriolic criticism, and death threats.

He said that his recent travels in Africa included four British colonies (Uganda, Kenya, the Sudan, Egypt). “Your men in Africa are doing a great work for your Empire, and they are also doing a great work for civilization. ... the great fact in world history during the last century has been the spread of civilization over the world’s waste spaces.” He suggested that imperialist nations (or as he called them, “The civilized nations who are conquering for civilization savage lands”) should “work together in a spirit of hearty mutual good-will”, whether it be in Africa or, ahem, the Philippines.

He praised Britain for beginning to make the highlands of Kenya “a true white man’s country.”

However, Uganda, he said, “cannot be made a white man’s country, and the prime need is to administer the land in the interest of the native races, and to help forward their development.” By which he means turning them into Christians.

The Sudan, he said, shows the wisdom “of disregarding the well-meaning but unwise sentimentalists who object to the spread of civilization at the expense of savagery.” Under their own rule, the Sudanese had showed “much what independence and self-government would have been in a wolf pack.” Britain should stay in the Sudan even if it doesn’t pay, just like the US built the Panama Canal.

Then he turned to the controversial part of the speech, about Egypt. “In Egypt you are not only the guardians of your own interests; you are also the guardians of the interests of civilization; and the present condition of affairs in Egypt is a grave menace to both your Empire and the entire civilized world. You have given Egypt the best government it has had for at least two thousand years—probably a better government than it has ever had before”. But there have been errors, resulting from trying to do too much for the Egyptians, “but unfortunately it is necessary for all of us who have to do with uncivilized peoples, and especially with fanatical peoples, to remember that in such a situation as yours in Egypt weakness, timidity, and sentimentality may cause even more far-reaching harm than violence and injustice. Of all broken reeds, sentimentality is the most broken reed on which righteousness can lean.” For example, they make a mistake in “treating all religions with studied fairness and impartiality,” which led to the assassination of Boutros Pasha in February. “Now, either you have the right to be in Egypt or you have not; either it is or it is not your duty to establish and keep order. If you feel that you have not the right to be in Egypt, if you do not wish to establish and to keep order there, why, then, by all means get out of Egypt. If, as I hope, you feel that your duty to civilized mankind and your fealty to your own great traditions alike bid you to stay, then make the fact and the name agree and show that you are ready to meet in very deed the responsibility which is yours. It is the thing, not the form, which is vital; if the present forms of government in Egypt, established by you in the hope that they would help the Egyptians upward, merely serve to provoke and permit disorder, then it is for you to alter the forms... When a people treats assassination as the corner-stone of self-government, it forfeits all right to be treated as worthy of self-government. ... Some nation must govern Egypt. I hope and believe that you will decide that it is your duty to be that nation.”

Today -100: May 30, 1910: Of corruption and sending in the marines

Illinois State Senator John Broderick, one of the legislators in the corruption scandal (see yesterday), who paid $2,500 to a fellow senator, cannot be found. The suspicion is that Chicago authorities are trying to obstruct the grand jury investigation.

The Nicaraguan civil war has been hotting up again, and the US is sending some more marines to the area.

Trust issues

Quote of the Day, from Gen. Stanley McChrystal, Military Moron: “inadvertently killing or injuring civilians is heartbreaking and undermines their trust and confidence in our mission.” Yup, that’ll do it. He added, “We will do all we can to regain that trust.” Regain? When does he think they had it?

Operators of a drone which attacked a civilian convoy in Afghanistan in February for no particular reason, killing 23 people, some of them children, have received letters of reprimand. Reached for comment, survivors of the drone attack said, “Wait, were they strongly worded letters of reprimand? Then let the healing begin.”

Unintended physical death is not the greatest of evils

The NYT prints a letter from Monsignor Daniel Hamilton defending the Catholic Church for excommunicating Sister Margaret McBride, a member of a hospital board, for supporting an abortion to save the life of the mother. “What, you say you would let the mother and the nonviable child die? Unintended physical death is not the greatest of evils, since we will all ultimately die. But directly killing an innocent person is a grave evil.”

So standing by, refusing her a life-saving medical procedure and just letting her die is okay because “we will all ultimately die.” Easy come, easy go, huh, monsignor?

Today -100: May 29, 1910: Of corruption in Illinois (I know!)

Several Illinois state senators are indicted for either paying or accepting bribes in the election to the US Senate of William Lorimer (R), including our Name of the Day -100, Stanton C. Pemberton. Lorimer, in a speech on the Senate floor delivered literally while the indictments were being handed down, denies this, blaming the Chicago Tribune and the “newspaper trust.” The Tribune last month published the confession of state sen. Charles White’s confession to having taken a $1,000 bribe; Lorimer says the confession was a forgery or White was paid by the Trib “to satisfy his instinct for debauchery”. It will take the Senate more than two years to expel Lorimer.

Headline of the Day -100: “Pope Not Impressed by Halley’s Comet.”

TMI Headline of the Day -100: “Kaiser Unable to Write. Eruption on Right Hand Prevents Him from Signing Public Documents.”

Obama and the Tar Balls of Doom

Asked by, I believe, Jackie Calmes of the NYT at a photo op in the Gulf with Obama and Adm. Allen: “Can you be sure these oil tar balls are from the oil spill? Because when I used to swim on the Gulf in Texas, I’d get tar balls in my bathing suit all the time.” Obama: “at some point, Jackie, we’ll want to hear more about those tar balls and your bathing suit.”


More evidence that Obama may be turning into Bill Clinton: later in the day he declared, as Clinton so often did when contemplating putting the presidential tar balls in some sweet young gulf, “we’re going to keep on at it until we get it plugged.”

I’ll probably regret that joke when the antihistamines wear off.

Today -100: May 28, 1910: Lubricating the wheels of justice

Massachusetts Governor Ebenezer Draper vetoes a bill limiting the working day for public employees to 8 hours. He said it was an interference with the rights of those who want to work more than 8 hours.

You just don’t see that many people named Ebenezer these days.

A District Court judge in Salt Lake City dismisses the jury in a trial of a druggist for selling liquor without a license. To aid in their deliberations, they sent for Exhibit A, a flask of whisky. When they returned it, it was just an empty flask.

Obama press conference: And if you’re living on the coast and you see this sludge coming at you, you are going to be continually upset

Today Obama held a rare press conference.

He talked about BP trying to stop the oil leak in the Gulf with “top kill,” which only sounds like a lurid sex crime. “This involves plugging the well with densely packed mud to prevent any more oil from escaping. And given the complexity of this procedure and the depth of the leak, this procedure offers no guarantee of success.” I’m not, like, an engineer or something, but sticking mud in something doesn’t sound all that “complex” to me.


By the way, BP officials are claiming that the well is now gushing only mud. But then, BP officials have been gushing mud for a month, for all the good that’s done us.

WHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW: “The American people should know that from the moment this disaster began, the federal government has been in charge of the response effort.” But it’s all BP’s fault and “we will hold them fully accountable” and “we will continue to take full advantage of the unique technology and expertise they have to help stop this leak.” I’m sure there’s a contradiction in there somewhere.

OBAMA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO MAKE A MISTAKE: “But make no mistake: BP is operating at our direction.”

WHAT WE’RE ALSO RELYING ON: “As we devise strategies to try and stop this leak, we’re also relying on the brightest minds and most advanced technology in the world.”


“We’re relying on a team of scientists and engineers from our own national laboratories and from many other nations -– a team led by our Energy Secretary and Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Stephen Chu.” I didn’t watch the presser, but I’m betting he waggled his eyebrows or something when he mentioned the Nobel Prize.

SERIOUSLY, THE ALLITERATION AGAIN? “But so far we have about 20,000 people in the region who are working around the clock to contain and clean up this oil.”

WHAT WE’VE DEPLOYED: “We’ve deployed over 3 million feet of total boom to stop the oil from coming on shore”. That’s a lot of total boom. Boom. Totally.

Okay, I don’t know what “3 million feet of total boom” actually means, but I’m guessing it’s not nearly as cool as it sounds.


THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID: “I’ve said before that producing oil here in America is an essential part of our overall energy strategy. But all drilling must be safe.”

COZY AND CORRUPT: “But in this instance, the oil industry’s cozy and sometimes corrupt relationship with government regulators meant little or no regulation at all.” They traced in pen over reports supplied to them by the oil companies in pencil. Literally traced!

YOU WOULDN’T LIKE HIM WHEN HE’S ANGRY: “Every day I see this leak continue I am angry and frustrated as well.”


CONTINUALLY UPSET: “And if you’re living on the coast and you see this sludge coming at you, you are going to be continually upset, and from your perspective, the response is going to be continually inadequate until it actually stops. And that’s entirely appropriate and understandable.”

THE UNDER-UNDER-UNDER SECRETARY OF NOAA IS TOTALLY THRILLED BY THE SHOUT-OUT: “But from Thad Allen, our National Incident Coordinator, through the most junior member of the Coast Guard, or the under-under-under secretary of NOAA, or any of the agencies under my charge, they understand this is the single most important thing that we have to get right.”

WHAT NOTION IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE: “So this notion that somehow the federal government is sitting on the sidelines and for the three or four or five weeks we’ve just been letting BP make a whole bunch of decisions is simply not true.”


A CONSTANT SENSE OF URGENCY: “But the point that I was addressing from Jennifer was, does this administration maintain a constant sense of urgency about this, and are we examining every recommendation, every idea that’s out there, and making our best judgment as to whether these are the right steps to take, based on the best experts that we know of. And on that answer, the answer is yes -- or on that question, the answer is yes.”

WHAT HE’S SPENDING HIS TIME THINKING ABOUT: Asked whether this was like Katrina: “I’ll leave it to you guys to make those comparisons, and make judgments on it, because what I’m spending my time thinking about is how do we solve the problem.”

WAIT, HOW DID SOUP AND NUTS CAUSE THE OIL SPILL? “And that’s why it’s so important that this commission moves forward and examines, from soup to nuts, why did this happen”.

WHERE HE WAS WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG: “Where I was wrong was in my belief that the oil companies had their act together when it came to worst-case scenarios.”


Elizabeth Birnbaum, head of the spectacularly mismanaged Minerals Management Service, resigned today. Obama claimed he didn’t know why, didn’t even know if she actually resigned (“she would have submitted a letter to Mr. Salazar this morning, at a time when I had a whole bunch of other stuff going on”) or was fired by Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, who has been busy today testifying to Congress so Obama hasn’t talked to him, but evidently he might have fired her without talking to Obama first, and might have done so on the very day he knew Obama would be holding a press conference. Yes, that is totally believable.

HE’S BOYCOTTING BOYCOTT ENDORSEMENTS: Asked whether he supported the boycott of Arizona for its Papers Please law: “I’m President of the United States; I don’t endorse boycotts or not endorse boycotts.”

But his plan to send 1,200 “National Guardspersons” to the border isn’t a response to that at all, he’d been planning to do it for a year, really he was. But we need to create “an orderly, fair, humane immigration framework in which people are able to immigrate to this country in a legal fashion”. So what he’s saying is that he’s sending the National Guard to enforce an immigration policy that is not orderly, fair or humane.

Moron Fox reporter Major Garrett took him to task for Salazar’s comment that the government’s boot is on the neck of BP; “Is your boot on the neck of BP?” Well, is it? “And can you understand, sir, why some in the Gulf who feel besieged by this oil spill consider that a meaningless, possibly ludicrous, metaphor?” Because if there’s one thing Fox News cannot stand, it’s meaningless, possibly ludicrous metaphors. Obama meekly admitted that “we don’t need to use language like that.”


Garrett also asked whether the White House had offered Joe Sestak a job in exchange for not running against Arlen Specter. Obama said only that there would be an “official response” on “the Sestak issue.” But nothing improper took place.

WHAT HIS JOB RIGHT NOW IS: “And so my job right now is just to make sure that everybody in the Gulf understands this is what I wake up to in the morning and this is what I go to bed at night thinking about.” That is how Bush used to answer every question about Iraq and/or terrorism.

THIS ANECDOTE IS EITHER ADORABLE OR VAGUELY CREEPY: “And it’s not just me, by the way. When I woke this morning and I’m shaving and Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she says, ‘Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’”

ALSO, SPAM: “I grew up in Hawaii where the ocean is sacred.”

Verbally or in writing

Orrin Hatch wants to make it a criminal offense, punishable by six months in prison or a fine, to falsely claim “verbally or in writing” to have been in combat, just like Richard Blumenthal.

How about a law making it a criminal offense for someone who’s actually been to law school and chaired the Senate Judiciary Committee to falsely claim “verbally or in writing” that crap like this is permissible under the First Amendment?

Today -100: May 26, 1910: Of labor

A bill has been proposed to establish a Department of Labor.

Compromise

All the headlines say Obama is offering a “compromise” on gays in the military. So... bisexuals in the military?

Today -100: May 25, 1910: Of shacking up

There was a discussion of women’s rights at the National Arts Club. Nothing very interesting, but one speaker decided to attack Mary Wollstonecraft, discrediting her feminist ideas by reference to her personal life, which the NYT described thus: “formed a living alliance, not a marriage, with Gilbert Imlay”. What strikes me is the scrabbling around for words to describe such a relationship.

Don’t you hate it when everyone else shows up at work wearing the same color?

CAPTION CONTEST.

Today -100: May 24, 1910: Of successful duels and fouled shamrocks

Headline of the Day -100: “Third Duel Successful.” Between Count Ismael de Lesseps (son of the Panama Canal guy) and Count Just de Poligny. What constitutes a “successful” duel? Turns out, this time they managed to injure each other. The seconds stopped their first duel, with swords, on account of gross unfairness, de Poligny being lame; their second duel was with pistols, and they exchanged 6 shots without anyone being hit (does that mean 6 rounds, or 3 bullets each? I’m not up on my dueling terminology). This time, this successful time, de Lesseps was hit in the thigh near the femoral artery, while his bullet ricocheted off de Poligny’s pistol into his arm. So I guess everyone’s happy. Don’t know what the duel was about.

Other Headline of the Day -100: “Submarine Fouls Shamrock.” The Shamrock was a yacht.

This is what success looks like

Yesterday Obama gave the commencement address at West Point.

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT SUCCESS LOOKS LIKE: He declared Mission, you know, Accomplished, in Iraq: “this is what success looks like: an Iraq that provides no haven to terrorists, a democratic Iraq that is sovereign and stable and self-reliant.” (Today’s speech-writer has a serious hard-on for alliteration: earlier, US troops demonstrated “competence and creativity and courage”.)

I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH: “And as we end the war in Iraq, though, we are pressing forward in Afghanistan.”


AND YET, WE GOT KARZAI STEALING THE ELECTION. FUNNY, THAT. “We have supported the election of a sovereign government”.

HOPE THAT WE’LL GET THE HELL OUT OF THEIR COUNTRY SOMETIME IN THE NEXT 20 YEARS: “We’ve brought hope to the Afghan people”.

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, GIRL SCOUTS: “And through a period when too many of our institutions have acted irresponsibly, the American military has set a standard of service and sacrifice” etc. There’s that alliteration again.

FUNNY YOUTUBE VIDEOS? “We cannot leave it to those in uniform to defend this country--we have to make sure that America is building on its strengths.”


HOW AMERICA HAS SUCCEEDED: “America has not succeeded by stepping out of the currents of cooperation--we have succeeded by steering those currents in the direction of liberty and justice, so nations thrive by meeting their responsibilities and face consequences when they don’t.” Steering the (alliterative) currents of cooperation? If only he had steered that out-of-control metaphor before it broke up on the rocks of rhetoric.

SIZE MATTERS: “let’s be clear: Al Qaeda and its affiliates are small men on the wrong side of history. They lead no nation. They lead no religion. We need not give in to fear every time a terrorist tries to scare us. We should not discard our freedoms because extremists try to exploit them.”

EXCEPT OF $4 BAGELS AND THE POSSIBILITY OF ANOTHER SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE: “Terrorists want to scare us. New Yorkers just go about their lives unafraid.”


EXCEPT AT BAGRAM, WHERE THE DC DISTRICT COURT SAID WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE LIKE: “And so a fundamental part of our strategy for our security has to be America’s support for those universal rights that formed the creed of our founding. And we will promote these values above all by living them--through our fidelity to the rule of law and our Constitution, even when it’s hard; even when we’re being attacked; even when we’re in the midst of war.”

I DO NOT THINK THAT WORD ABHOR MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS: “America does not fight for the sake of fighting. We abhor war.”

Today -100: May 23, 1910: Of comets and hair

Headline of the Day -100: “Two See Comet and Die.” In Alabama, “Miss Ruth Jordan, daughter of a farmer... was called to the door of her home to see the comet and immediately fell dead, physicians assigning heart failure as the cause. An unknown negro on the depot platform was shown the comet and instantly dropped dead.”

At yesterday’s suffrage demonstration, someone surreptitiously cut off 12 inches of a 16-year-old girl’s hair.

Wreath

The president of Ukraine, square-headed Mr. Y, at a World War II memorial ceremony.



The opposition party managed to steal the wreath and are auctioning it off.

But is it art?

Headline of the Day (NYT): “Obama Sketches Energy Plan in Oil.”

Today -100: May 22, 1910: Of parades, pogroms, corruption, arbitration, and marionettes

The Equality League of Self-Supporting Women holds a women’s suffrage parade/demonstration in NYC to protest the NY Legislature’s failure to vote a suffrage bill out of committee. It’s the largest suffrage demo ever held in the US. The New York Times reports it on p. 11.

Russian expulsions of Jews, hitherto most notable in Kiev, have reached Moscow. Expulsion orders are being made against babies as a way of forcing parents with residence permits to leave. In Kiev, Jews have usually been ordered to leave within two days.

Congress is working on a bill to require transparency for campaign contributions and expenses, but the Senate is insisting that reports be released only after elections, in case they influence the election, which is rather, one would have thought, the point of the exercise.

Peru and Ecuador, which were threatening to go to war over a border dispute, have accepted offers of mediation from the US, Brazil and Argentina. Boooring!

Not 10 years after the Boer War, a new Union of South Africa is formed by the British, uniting the conquered Boer republics and the British colonies in a federal structure, paving the way for the leveling down of the rights of Africans. The new prime minister will be Louis Botha, a general on the losing side of the war.

Signor Parisi and his Italian marionettes, who went out of business six months ago after losing the economic battle with moving pictures, have returned for Sunday performances, now in English, of “Constantine and the Pagans” and the tale of Roland, which are the only marionette plays translated so far from the Venetian dialect.

Today -100: May 20, 1910: Of big booms, wet in Denver, and no country for really old men

At a barracks in Cuba, a carpenter tried to repair a case of dynamite by hammering in a nail, resulting in 35 deaths and 145 wounded. The carpenter’s head was found a quarter mile away.

Headline of the Day -100: “Athletes to Form New Body.”

The chair of the press committee of the NY State Association Opposed to Woman Suffrage, the impressively named Mrs. Barclay Hazard, writes a letter asking how suffragists explain the fact that Denver, despite having women’s suffrage, just voted itself wet.

I just looked at that sentence again, and it seems to have a double meaning I didn’t intend. “Wet” of course means that alcohol may be sold.

Denver also elected a woman election commissioner, Ellis Meredith, the first woman ever elected to a city office in Denver.

The Census Bureau investigated Noah Raby, who claimed at the time of his death to be 131 years old, and says he was actually 92 (Wikipedia says 81). It further doubts that anyone had ever reached 110 years of age.

Graham V. Florida: We learn, sometimes, from our mistakes

The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 against sentencing minors convicted of crimes other than murder to life imprisonment without possibility of parole. The dissent was written by Clarence Thomas, joined by Scalia and Alito.

Thomas first rejected the idea that the Supreme Court is better able to judge whether such sentences are proportionate to the crime committed than are legislatures, judges or juries: “I am unwilling to assume that we, as members of this Court, are any more capable of making such moral judgments than our fellow citizens. Nothing in our training as judges qualifies us for that task”. Boy, ain’t it the truth.

Indeed, he rejects the notion that punishments which are grossly disproportionate are unconstitutional, that is, that they are cruel and unusual.

The majority argues that there is an evolving standard of public opinion which now opposes locking up minors and throwing away the key. Thomas disagrees, and we’ll get to that, but first he denies that the constitutionality of a punishment rests on what he dismissively calls a “snapshot” of public opinion. Worse, he says, the Court only allows for evolution away from draconian punishments: why, there might be a “pendulum swing in social attitudes” in favor of more drastic punishments.

In support of his contention that there is a consensus among the American people for imprisoning minors for life for crimes other than homicide, Thomas notes that such imprisonment is allowed under the laws of 37 states (the Supreme Court often uses laws, no matter when enacted, as a proxy for public opinion, which leads it to declare in effect that laws are constitutional because they are laws), while only 5 states ban it. He rejects as completely irrelevant to determining the current acceptability of such punishments that in 26 states these laws have fallen into disuse.

And hell, if you go back to the 18th century, “the common law set a rebuttable presumption of incapacity to commit any felony at the age of 14, and theoretically permitted [even] capital punishment to be imposed on a person as young as age 7.” Good times, good times. This is Thomas’s gold standard for moral acceptability: hanging little children for property crimes. Stevens, concurring with the majority, writes, “We learn, sometimes, from our mistakes.” It’s like he’s never even met Clarence Thomas.

Today -100: May 19, 1910: Of comets, duels, and cross-dressing

The Earth passes through the tail of Halley’s Comet, nothing in particular happens. Some astronomers sound kind of disappointed.


If you’re keeping track of the people the NYT claims were made hysterical by the comet, to previous stories about women, the French and Chicagoans, add Mexicans (“For ten days superstitious Mexicans have sought to avert the impending disaster with music, incantations, and weird ceremonies, and many have spent day and night in prayer”), Russians, the “poorer Dutch and colored people” in South Africa, Puerto Ricans, steerage passengers on the Germania, foreigners in NY (“The Italians yelled with fright, and several of them fell on their knees”), and Southern Negroes.

The president of the Russian Duma, Alexander Guchkoff, and Count Uvarof, a deputy, are imprisoned in Peter and Paul Fortress for 4 weeks and 3 weeks respectively for dueling.

Wellesley issues a rule that no photographs be taken of students wearing male garb (in college plays).

Specter exorcized

Somewhere, tonight, Anita Hill is doing the Nelson Muntz “ha ha.”

Today -100: May 18, 1910: Of comet terror

Headline of the Day -100: “Chicago is Terrified.” Halley’s Comet, of course. Especially, according to the Times, women, one of whom is interviewed by telephone from inside her apartment, whose windows and doors she has stopped up to keep out the deadly cyanogen believed to constitute the comet’s tail.

Today -100: May 17, 1910: Of parole and stuttering

The House passes a bill (which the Senate has already passed) to establish a parole system at the federal level. Some are suggesting this is because of the presence of several well-connected bankers convicted of embezzlement in federal pokies.

In Paterson, Mrs. Amelia Spinelli filed for divorce against her husband of four months on grounds of cruelty, specifically his stuttering, which is especially obnoxious in Italian. In court, John Spinelli answered one question, “Tu-tu-bu-tu-tu-bu-bu.” “What does he say?” asked Mrs Spinelli’s lawyer. “He hasn’t said it yet,” replied the judge.

Academic freedom

Israel barred Noam Chomsky from entering the West Bank (not Israel, Associated Press, the West Bank). Evidently the complaint was that he intended to lecture at Bir Zeit University in Palestine but not also in Israel. The Interior Ministry is now claiming it was just a big misunderstanding, but Chomsky was questioned by border police for hours, and they were relaying questions from the Interior Ministry, so I think not.

Today -100: May 16, 1910: Of the ugliest woman in the world, the servant problem, and entering the comet’s tail (not a euphemism!)

Contractual issues have delayed the much-anticipated appearance in New York of the actress Polaire, billed as the ugliest woman in the world on account of her wide mouth, wacky hair, large hands and alleged 14-inch waist.


The General Federation of Women’s Clubs is holding a meeting in Cincinnati, and planning its next biennial convention. However, the Mississippi delegation has announced that no representatives of that state will be able to attend, “because of the servant problem.”

Halley’s Comet fever is gripping the NYT, with no fewer than 20 stories in today’s paper about whether it will mean the end of the world. The scientific consensus is that it won’t. The Earth will enter the comet’s tail... on Wednesday. If you don’t see one of these posts three days from now, you’ll know that the world came to an end in 1910.

Obama is angry, yes he is

The Iraqi Election Commission says that its recount found absolutely no fraud in the Iraqi election. Then the Iraqi Election Commission excused itself, stepped out of the room, and loud laughter was heard.

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Yesterday Obama gave a speech about how he is angry about the big oil spill. Yesterday the White House announced that he was going to make a speech about how angry he is. That’s how disciplined Barack Obama is: he schedules his anger. Anyway, he said that he was tired of all the finger-pointing, and he’s looking at you, BP executives. Not pointing his finger, just looking.

Today -100: May 15, 1910: Mammy!

There is a plan to erect a monument in Galveston to “black mammies,” according to a repulsive article reproduced from the Houston Chronicle, which is full of praise for the mammies’ “simple and unselfish service,” her superstitious terror of ghosts and squeech owls, her “intense... pride in her ‘white folks’” etc. “Though her skin was black, her soul was white”.

Norway grants municipal suffrage to all women over 25 (since 1901 there has been a muni. franchise with property and tax-paying qualifications; a national suffrage with the same limitations has existed since 1907).