Tested. Ready. Now.

2-minute Giuliani ad. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll vomit in your own mouth. Not necessarily in that order.



His new motto: “Tested. Ready. Now.” I’m not sure if they’re intentionally invoking Nixon’s “Tanned, rested and ready,” and if so, why.

From the WaPo, making anti-American lemonade from anti-American lemons:

Iraqis of all sectarian and ethnic groups believe that the U.S. military invasion is the primary root of the violent differences among them, and see the departure of “occupying forces” as the key to national reconciliation, according to focus groups conducted for the U.S. military last month.

That is good news, according to a military analysis of the results. At the very least, analysts optimistically concluded, the findings indicate that Iraqis hold some “shared beliefs” that may eventually allow them to surmount the divisions that have led to a civil war.

And Iraqi complaints about matters other than security are seen as progress. Early this year, Maj. Fred Garcia, an MNF-I analyst, said that “a very large percentage of people would answer questions about security by saying ‘I don’t know.’ Now, we get more griping because people feel freer.”

Freedom, ain’t it grand.

AFP photo of George Bush, through the magic of Christmas-Tree-o-Vision.

The Little Sisters of the Poor Meet the Big Doofus of the Rich

Today Bush visited a Little Sisters of the Poor home for the elderly and talked about volunteerism. Between the little sisters and the little old people, this gave him many opportunities to bend down.


Said Bush, “And that’s one of the messages of the Christmas season, that I hope our fellow citizens...” Wait a minute, one of the messages of Christmas is about him and what he hopes? “...that I hope our fellow citizens reach out and find a neighbor in need, find out somebody who needs a loving pat on the back...” Although George tried that yesterday with Cheney, and the results were not pretty. “...or an elderly citizen who wants to know that somebody cares for them. It doesn’t take much effort” and then you’re done “caring” for another year.


“As I worked the tables I was most thankful that people here said that they pray for our troops”. Say, George, when you’re talking up the “universal call to love a neighbor just like you’d like to be loved yourself,” is “I worked the tables” really how you want to describe it?


Then they all whipped out their rulers. The results were not pretty. And then they brought out the ultimate instrument of punishment:

We’re helping them stay in a part of the American Dream is what we’re doing

Today Bush spoke about the economy to the Rotary Club of North Fredericksburg, Virginia, which is evidently “out in the country.” “People say, they’re probably wondering why would -- old George W. has got something important to say, why would he bother to come to a place out in the country?” Evidently it’s where jobs are created. And it’s “where dreams are lived,” which probably explains why all the Rotarians were in their underwear.


IN OTHER WORDS: He said that the economy doesn’t suck and that “productivity is high, in other words, our economy is becoming more productive as a result of the advent of new technologies.”

A FUTURE-TENSE IN OTHER WORDS, IN WHICH GEORGE IN OTHER WORDSes WORDS HE HASN’T EVEN USED YET: “In other words, what I’m about to tell you is, is that the Congress cannot take economic vitality for granted.”

IN OTHER WORDS, GEORGE HAS BEEN BREATHING IN THOSE JET FUMES AGAIN: “If the Congress can’t get the job done -- in other words, those jet fumes will start to be moving out pretty soon here, later on this week...”

TALKING ABOUT THE MORTGAGE CRISIS, GEORGE UNLEASHES SOME OF THE LINGO HE LEARNED AT MBA SCHOOL: “some people bought a house that they shouldn’t have been in the market... there are speculators who thought they could get -- buy nice, one of these reset mortgages and flip it, make some money” (from the old adage, buy nice, sell nasty). “But there are some people that are creditworthy that should be encouraged to stay in their homes.” We could throw rocks at them whenever they open their front door, or we could nail it shut or, oo, tigers. “[T]he bank doesn’t loan [sic] the mortgage anymore, the local lending institute doesn’t loan [sic] the mortgage anymore... And so some lenders [sic] aren’t sure where to turn.” Those sics were put in by some cheeky upstart at the White House who probably doesn’t even have a Harvard MBA.



REFINANCING THEIR MONEY: “We’re not bailing people out -- we’re helping them refinance their money, we’re helping them, you know -- we’re helping them stay in a part of the American Dream is what we’re doing, and it’s worthwhile to do that.”

The Treasury Dept, through a program amusingly called HOPE NOW, will “help people understand what is possible when it comes to finance and recourse and stay in your house.”

TO SUM UP: “And so I just want to let you know we got a strategy.” Color me reassured.

THIS COULD BE MISINTERPRETED: “And one of the things that Secretary Leavitt is doing is saying that if you’re interfacing with the federal government, then you got to post your price.”

WHAT THERE NEEDS TO BE: “there needs to be products like health savings accounts expanded.”

LOOK HOW I EDIT SOME WORDS OUT AND USE AN ELLIPSIS TO MAKE THIS BIT SOUND DIRTY: “We have an OB/GYN crisis in America... And they get sick of it, and say, I’m out of here.”

HE UNDERSTANDS THAT: “On electricity, there’s a lot of talk about electricity -- I understand that”.

BUT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THIS: “So I can’t tell you why people aren’t for refinery expansion. I’m just telling you they ought to be.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “That’s why I’m against raising the gasoline tax. In other words -- we need to raise the gasoline tax.”


WHAT THE PRESIDENT’S JOB IS: “The President’s job is to think strategically for the country and help get fiscal sanity into the process.”

IN OTHER WORDS THAT SOUND KINDA DIRTY WITHOUT ANY EDITING ON MY PART: “Automobile -- I just told you that we’re going to become more efficient with our automobile -- we’re raising our fuel efficiency standards. In other words, cars and new technology and electricity are going to change how often people go to the pump.”

AN AMAZING, DEATH-DEFYING, DOUBLE IN OTHER WORDS: “And if you happen to go to a user fee system [toll roads], one of the interesting things that are being used is differential pricing. In other words, you pay a different price depending upon the day you drive; in other words, a market-oriented system.” Time of day, idiot, not the day itself. Also, it’s only a market-oriented system for those people who have alternatives.


WAIT, IT WAS ACTUALLY A TRIPLE IN OTHER WORDS!: “In other words, what I’m telling you is the funding system is antiquated relative to the challenges we’re going to be facing.”

In the Q&A, Bush gently corrects a questioner:

Q: But I’m concerned about the nations like Iraq, who now have nuclear weapons --

BUSH: Iran.

Q: Iran and Iraq both.

BUSH: Not Iraq.

STOP YOUR ENRICHMENT!: “That program is still active, in spite of the fact that most of the world has said to the Iranians, stop your enrichment.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The ability to weaponize that material -- in other words, to make it into something that explodes -- that part of the program is what the intelligence people thought was ongoing at one time and suspended.” Ongoing and suspended? Is that like a Zen thing?

WHAT’S TO SAY? REALLY, WHAT’S TO SAY?: “If somebody had them a weapons program, what’s to say they couldn’t start it up tomorrow?”

IF YOU GIVE A MAN A NUCLEAR FISH: “Interestingly enough, today Russia sent some enriched -- or in the process of sending enriched uranium to Iran to help on their civilian nuclear reactor. If that’s the case, if the Russians are willing to do that -- which I support -- then the Iranians do not need to learn how to enrich.”

He says that this week he will be visiting Walter Reed and Bethesda “to tell those troops we love them”. Awwww.

ALL OF A SUDDEN: “People start showing up demanding ethanol, and all of a sudden somebody figures out how to supply it.”

It’s not more important than friendship

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has generously pardoned the gang-rape victim sentenced to six months and 200 lashes. See, women in Saudi Arabia don’t have it so bad after all.

Holy Joe Lieberman, wearing a Christmas-y sweater, has endorsed John McCain, thus making his election well nigh inevitable.


Sez His Holiness, “Political party is important...” The Connecticut for Lieberman Party? “...but it’s not more important than what’s good for the country and it’s not more important than friendship.” Awww, fwendship. Because it’s all about you, Joe, and who’s nice to you.

McCain: Say, you really are circumcised.
Lieberman is pretending that he might have endorsed a Democrat – because he’s an independent, you know – but none of them asked him.

Reached for comment, Al Gore just sighed and rolled his eyes.

I believe a CONTEST is called for: what position should Holy Joe get in a McCain administration? And don’t all say “fluffer.”

You can look inside my mouth if you want

Although Israel’s Wall has annexed the land of many Palestinians to Jerusalem and thus to Israel, Israel has decided
not to give the residents of that land Israeli residency rights such as the right to work in Israel. Charming.

I’m so glad our presidential candidates are selected in Iowa. Today Hillary Clinton campaigned in a cattle barn in which auctions are normally held, saying she felt like she was being bid on and “I know you’re going to inspect me. You can look inside my mouth if you want.” So now we can all have that image in our heads.

Romney on God and abortion and his irrational fear of the color pink

On Meet the Press, Twitt Romney explained that his “freedom requires religion” line wasn’t really him, it was actually a paraphrase of John Adams and maybe George Washington as well. This is what happens when our upper classes no longer read Latin and Greek: Romney has mistaken the Founders’ classics-inspired discussion of the role of virtu in a republic for an endorsement of the Christian religion. Sez Twitt: “We, we believe, as a nation, from the founding of this nation, that God gave the individual certain inalienable rights.” Shorter Twitt: America believes in God.

He did admit that “on an individual basis, you have many individuals of great morality and--that, that don’t have any particular faith.” Two things about that sentence: 1) he describes atheists as if they just hadn’t yet chosen from among the many fine branches of Christianity available to them. 2) Note his repetition of the word individual: he’s prepared to tolerate some people not having any particular faith, but they are to be considered mere isolated individuals; collectively, he defines Americans as a God-bothering people.

He says he heard the decision letting blacks be full members of the Mormon church on his car radio when he was 31 (he doesn’t say if his dog was tied to the roof at the time), and had to pull over to weep. Russert fails to ask why, if the church’s previous racist policy was so repugnant to him, he never did a damned thing to change it or protest in any way.

His mother ran for the Senate in 1970? How did I not know that?

On his flip flop on abortion, he says “I was always personally opposed to abortion, as I think almost everyone in this nation is.” No, “almost everyone” is not.

Says Huckabee’s criticism of Bush’s foreign policy as arrogant and exhibiting a bunker mentality “went over the line” and he should apologize.

For some reason, it was very important to him to deny a report that his house is pink.

2007 in pictures

It’s time for the annual selection of the pictures that defined 2007, as far as this blog was concerned. And if those pictures were, as in previous years, mostly pictures of George Bush looking goofy, that’s something we’ll all just have to live with.

Getting tough in a diplomatic-pressure way

Hillary Clinton: “I also believe we have to get tough in a diplomatic-pressure way with Iran, and I think that helps us do it. If it saves American lives by labeling them a terrorist organization, I’m going to label them a terrorist organization.” For the children. For the children.

Speaking of our children, our dirty, dirty children, does anyone else see a giggling attempt to insert irony into this WaPo headline: “Abstinence Programs Face Rejection”? The article quotes one Stan Koutstaal, director of the Office of Abstinence Education in the Dept of Health and Human Services, deploring the increasing number of states pulling out (ahem) of federal abstinence-only programs: “It’s the youths in these states who are missing out.” No comment.

They deserve... action!

Bush’s radio address today is yet another attack on Congress for failing to pass war funding, with a Christmas-y theme: “Congress’ responsibility is clear: They must deliver vital funds for our troops -- and they must do it before they leave for Christmas. Our men and women on the front lines will be spending this holiday season far from their families and loved ones. And this Christmas, they deserve more than words from Congress. They deserve... action!” (Punctuation tweaked to give it the proper Buzz Lightyear vibe.)

Really, action. For Christmas. Kind of a crappy gift-giver, isn’t he? Must have been hell on the twins growing up. “Jenna and Not-Jenna deserve more than the Malibu Barbie Dream House, they deserve... action!”

Less than one week per stab

Lance Cpl. Delano Holmes has been sentenced to the time he served awaiting his court-martial, less than 10 months, for “negligently” stabbing an Iraqi soldier 44 times.

Stop the Hand Shows!

I’ve just received an email from the Fred Thompson campaign with the above subject line (I added the exclamation point; obviously Fred Thompson doesn’t do exclamation points, they plum tucker him out). In it, Fred’s campaign manager says Ronald Reagan’s “I paid for this microphone” line in 1980 was a “defining moment” and that “Fred had a defining moment on Wednesday in the Iowa debate, when he refused the liberal moderator’s demand to raise his hand to say yes or no to a complex question. The similarities were incredible.”

Freezing Cabinet members, what we just need to know, and what the Peruvian people understand

This morning, Bush met with his Cabinet, then made them stand behind him in the Rose Garden while he blathered.

He and the Cabinet, he reported, “discussed the priorities that we’re working on to meet for the needs of the American people”. Always nice to hear that they’re working to meet for our needs.


One of those needs: baseball. He wants to put “the steroid era of baseball behind us”. Which just sounds kinky. Unlike this: “And I just urge our -- those in the public spotlight, particularly athletes, to understand that when they violate their bodies, they’re sending a terrible signal to America’s young.”


Earlier this week, Bush sent a letter to Kim Jong-Il, who sent a letter in response, which Bush evidently does not plan to read have someone read to him: “you know, I got his attention with a letter, and he can get my attention by fully disclosing his programs, including any plutonium he may have processed and converted -- into whatever he’s used it for; we just need to know.”

He cut it short after two questions, saying “I’ve got freezing Cabinet members out here”. Insert Condi joke here.


In the afternoon, he met with President Alan Garcia of Peru to sign a trade treaty. “I thank those from the -- who care about trade, who’ve joined us today.”


What will the free trade treaty bring Peruvians? “Peruvians will benefit from more choices and more lower prices -- or better prices.”

What do the Peruvian people understand? “The Peruvian people understand that expanding trade with the United States will improve their lives; that’s what they understand.”

Negligent

Marine Lance Cpl. Delano Holmes has been found guilty of negligent homicide, but not of unpremeditated murder, for stabbing an Iraqi soldier 44 times. Sorta gives a new meaning to the word negligent.

I said I wasn’t going to watch the last Democratic debate, and I didn’t. But here are the pictures I would have run, featuring the many hand gestures of the Democratic party.

Republican Debate: You can’t really respect ‘em if you’re killing ‘em in the womb

I thought we were done, but today there was another tedious debate (tedious transcript), there’s always another tedious debate – indeed, it seems that there’s a Democratic debate tomorrow, which I will happily watch and write about upon receipt of one million (1,000,000) dollars via the PayPal link. Even with the added crazy that only Alan Keyes can bring, it was not exciting, is what I’m saying.

The first question was about the national debt. Giuliani said that he’d solve the national debt by cutting taxes. Oh, he also wants to cut non-military spending 10%, which I guess is what you say if you don’t want to go through all the tedious effort of actually examining programs and figuring out what should be spent on them. Asked how people affected by those cuts should manage, he said they’d have to “figure out other ways to do it” and not rely on “the nanny government”. This is the guy who had cops walking his mistress’s dog.


Romney said the sacrifice he’s calling for from the American people is to “let the [government] programs that don’t work go. Don’t lobby for them forever.” Gosh, that doesn’t sound like very much sacrifice at all.

Asked who is paying more than their fair share of taxes, Alan Keyes said we need to get rid of incumbent politicians (Keyes wasn’t big on saying anything relevant to the actual questions). McCain said that poor people don’t pay any taxes except for the payroll tax, which will come as a surprise to poor people. Huckabee said we should have a “fair tax,” “and that means the rich people aren’t going to be made poor, but maybe the poor people could be made rich”. Whatever the hell that means. Romney said he doesn’t lie awake at night worrying about the taxes rich people are paying. Thompson said he’d like to be in Romney’s situation so he wouldn’t have to worry about taxes either. Romney said he’d like to be in Thompson’s situation. Thompson said Romney’s gettin’ to be a pretty good actor. This is what passes for wit in a presidential debate. Make that two million (2,000,000) for me to watch tomorrow’s debate. I don’t want to have to worry about taxes either.


Giuliani says we should have a flatter tax that you could file on one page. He then held up a piece of paper to show us what that would look like, in case we were unfamiliar with the concept.

Huckabee on regulation: “I can’t part the red sea, but I believe I can part the red tape.”

Asked whether the US should have economic trade with human rights abusers, McCain said hell yes, promising to “open every market in the world to Iowa’s agricultural products.” Of course he said it as a throwaway applause line, but, putting the question of human rights abuse to one side, don’t other countries have the right to set their own trade and economic policies, to not take Iowa’s agricultural products against their will?


Romney: “We call it global warming, not America warming. So let’s not put a burden on us alone and have the rest of the world skate by.” Oh I don’t think anyone will be doing much skating.

McCain said we can solve global warming with “capitalist and free enterprise motivation.” Which is like O.J. Simpson looking for the real killers.

We’ll never know what Fred Thompson thinks, because he refused to do a show of hands on whether he believes in global warming.

On education, Duncan Hunter thinks the problem is “bureaucratic credentialing” of teachers and that Jaime Escalante was hounded out of school by the Cylons unions. Alan Keyes thinks it’s that judges drove God out of the schools and that children aren’t told that their rights come from God not from the Constitution or our leaders. Huckabee wants to unleash weapons of mass instruction, which he also said in the last debate, and which shows incredible tone-deafness. Who is impressed by a line like that? Ron Paul thinks it’s the federal government and the Dept of Education getting in the way. Thompson thinks it’s the teachers’ union.

Keyes: “People talk about our prosperity, but you can’t really respect ‘em if you’re killing ‘em in the womb, it doesn’t make any sense.”


Giuliani says he has led an open, transparent life. Although what he seems to mean is that he keeps getting caught.