Wherein is revealed who was an unwavering champion of those struggling for liberty

Bush describes the late Jesse Helms as “an unwavering champion of those struggling for liberty.” I don’t think that word means what George thinks it means. He adds that “we pray he finds comfort in the arms of the loving God he strove to serve throughout his life.” I pray he finds that God is a pissed-off black lesbian.

Speaking of politicians who were friends to blacks, women and especially to black women, Bush celebrated the Fourth of July at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello, which he’s evidently never bothered to visit before. Jefferson was a godless heathen, you know.

Jefferson, he said, “was known to have read five books at a time on a revolving book stand.” Whereas Bush has been known to spin five times on a revolving book stand until he gets dizzy and falls off.

Symmetrical simpleton
HOW WE HONOR JEFFERSON’S LEGACY (HINT: IT INVOLVES INVADING OTHER COUNTRIES): “We honor Jefferson’s legacy by aiding the rise of liberty in lands that do not know the blessings of freedom.”

Monticello hosted, as it does every year, a naturalization ceremony.

DUDE, THEY RAISE ONE HAND. UNLESS THEY’RE FRENCH, OF COURSE: “When you raise your hands and take the oath, you will complete an incredible journey.”

HEY, I’M JUST SURPRISED HE CAN COUNT THAT HIGH: “These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people.”

Perhaps it’s not so popular to be a suicide bomber

Condi is “proud” of the invasion of Iraq, which has absolutely not, she says, made the world less safe. Her proof: “We’re now beginning to see that perhaps it’s not so popular to be a suicide bomber. We’re beginning to see that perhaps people are questioning whether Osama Bin Laden ought to really be the face of Islam.” Quod erat demonstrandum.

And now, a very special, international edition of “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face,” from a press conference in London today.

What a joyous occasion it must be to know that the plan had worked

This morning Bush attended a ground-breaking for the new Walter Reed medical center, which will feature state-of-the-art reminding: “And those who wear our nation’s uniform will be reminded that they have the enduring gratitude of the American people.”


He talked about a sergeant who received a brain injury from an IED in Iraq. Bush saw him a year ago and “I was one who felt like this guy had no chance.” But “I welcomed he and his mom and dad to the Oval Office the other day. He was more eloquent than I was, which isn’t all that hard.” Oy.

WHAT GEORGE PRAYS: “I pray that this will be the site of many miracles of healing -- where the lame will walk again”.

Speaking of which, John McCain sought miracles of healing for his lame presidential campaign from the Virgin Mary at the Basilica de Guadalupe in Mexico City today.



Bush spoke about his phone call yesterday to Colombian President Uribe to congratulate him for snookering FARC out of its hostages: “And I told him what a joyous occasion it must be to know that the plan had worked”. Sadly, the joy of knowing that a plan had worked is something George has never experienced and will never experience.

Mythical principles of legality and humaneness

As you probably all know by now, there is new evidence that Guantanamo interrogation techniques were modeled after those China used on American POWs during the Korean War, as reported in a 1957 article by Air Force sociologist (!) Alfred Biderman entitled “Communist Attempts to Elicit False Confessions From Air Force Prisoners of War.” Blogs on the left have perhaps unfairly jumped on the word false,

The article (pdf) was published at the tail end of the 1950s panic about “brainwashing,” which had been of intense interest to the CIA and the military, as Alfred McCoy recently recounted in his book A Question of Torture: CIA Interrogation, From the Cold War to the War on Terror, which is worth a quick read. The Biderman article is 10 pages long and also worth reading for its insights into the methods of breaking a human being’s will as well as for such ironies as “For the interrogator, forced standing has still further advantages. It is consistent with formal adherence to mythical principles of legality and humaneness important to the Communists.” (Donald Rumsfeld: “I stand for 8-10 hours a day. Why is standing limited to four hours?”)

And I’m also going to remind people that our habits are changing

This morning Bush talked about next week’s G8 summit.

WHAT ONE OF HIS REALLY IMPORTANT AGENDA ITEMS IS GOING TO: “And so one of my really important agenda items is going to -- is going to rally our partners to make commitments and meet commitments.”

WHAT WE’VE GOT TO WORK TO CONFRONT: “We’ve got to work to confront higher food prices.”


HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I’ll be reminding people that we can have better energy security and we can be better stewards of the environment without sacrificing economic growth.”

HE’S THE REMINDERATOR: “I’ll remind people at the G8 and other nations that we’re taking effective steps.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The 2009 budget requests more than $4 billion to support technologies that have the potential to avoid, reduce and sequester greenhouse gases. In other words, we’ve got a strong agenda when it comes to providing money to encourage the advent of new technologies.” Sequester?


HE’S THE REMINDER-IN-CHIEF: “Look, we can’t have an effective agreement unless China and India are a part of it. It’s as simple as that. I’m going to remind our partners that’s the case.”

THE MORE OF OUR PEOPLE DIE, THE MORE WE MUST BE WINNING: “You know, one reason why there have been more deaths [of US troops in Afghanistan] is because our troops are taking the fight to a tough enemy, an enemy who doesn’t like our presence there because they don’t like the idea of America denying safe haven.” Seems like no one’s haven is all that safe in Afghanistan.

WHAT ONE THING WE NEED TO MAKE CLEAR IS: “One thing we need to make clear when I’m with our partners is that we’re not going to become protectionists, that we believe in free trade and open markets.” So he won’t use protection when he’s with his partners. Well that’s just wrong.


HE’S THE REMINDERSAURUS: “...drilling for oil and gas in our own country -- something I’ve been advocating ever since I’ve been the President. I’ve been reminding our people that we can do so in environmentally friendly ways.”

YOU KNOW WHAT HE REMINDS ME OF? A CHIMPANZEE WITH A FLAG LAPEL PIN. “Ultimately, of course, we’re going to transition away from hydrocarbon. But we’re now just in a transitional period and we need more oil to be able to do so. And I’m also going to remind people that our habits are changing.” But not his habit of reminding people of things. Such as that thing about how we’re in a transitional period so we need to use more oil to use less oil. Or something.

WHAT GEORGE FULLY UNDERSTANDS AND WHAT HE WANTS AMERICANS TO UNDERSTAND FULLY (HE’S THE FULLY UNDERSTANDERER): “I mean, nobody likes high gasoline prices, and I fully understand why Americans are concerned about gasoline prices. But I want them to understand fully that we have got the opportunity to find more crude oil here at home, in environmentally friendly ways, and they ought to be writing their Congress people about it, and they ought to say, you ought to be opening up ANWR and Outer Continental Shelf, and increasing oil shale exploration, for the sake of our consumers, as well as become less dependent on oil.” Again, drilling for more oil so we can use less oil.

AND IN CONCLUSION, WHAT GEORGE HOPES: “Listen, thank you very much. I’ve enjoyed being with you. I hope you’ve enjoyed being with me. You have? Thank you.”

Why a wounded Iraqi totally deserved to die

“He had like this evil smirk on his face. He was basically taunting us.”

George knows the way forward in housing

Bush, speaking at the Family Service Agency in Little Rock about the housing problem: “We know the way forward in housing -- good legislation and helping people stay in their homes.” See, and you thought it might be complicated.


Yesterday, asked whether he considered Obama patriotic, McCain said, “I think that Senator Obama is a great American success story. I think his family is. I think he’s someone who is admired and respected throughout this country and the world.” Not really a yes or no, is it?


Today McCain, in advance of his trip to Latin America, admitted that Colombia has “human rights abuses by the paramilitaries” “But I balance that against Uribe and his administration’s rescue of Colombia from a failed state status”. So that’s okay then. Something to carve on the headstones of murdered trade unionists.

We can no longer afford these kinds of divisions

Obama gave a speech on patriotism today, saying “The question of who is or is not a patriot all too often poisons our political debates...” as opposed to poisoning our political debates just the right amount of the time “...in ways that divide us rather than bring us together. We can no longer afford these kinds of divisions.” Well, maybe there’ll be a 4th of July sale at Wal-Mart.


McCain, responded to Wesley Clark’s comment that McCain’s record as a dropper of bombs and prisoner of war (or is it dropper of war and prisoner of bombs?) doesn’t qualify him for the presidency, “If that’s the kind of campaign that Senator Obama and his surrogates and supporters want to engage in, I understand that. But it doesn’t reduce the price of a gallon of gas by a penny”. That’s what’s known as a campaign-rhetorical non sequitur. How exactly would anything that Candidate Obama says reduce gas prices or indeed make your teeth whiter, your breath sweeter, your love life more fulfilling, or your neighbor’s dog stop barking all the time while you’re trying to get the new kitten settled in?

By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever linked to a fun BBC Radio program on political clichés by former MP Matthew Parris (2 parts, 14 minutes each).

This morning, Bush signed the supplemental appropriation for his many wars, saying, “Our nation has no greater responsibility than supporting our men and women in uniform -- especially since we’re at war.” He showed this support by spending the afternoon with our children and chipmunks in uniform.





Update: Michael in comments suggests that Bush is going for this look:

The toilet bowl scrubber is not a toy

And other things you find yourself saying to your new (still unnamed) kitten.

Although I’m sure that sentence was also spoken to George Bush by his mother. And quite possibly by Laura as well.

Whatever George does, he somehow makes look difficult, like getting out of an (illegally parked) car,


or choosing a shirt.

Caption contest, old man version

The AP caption is the same for both these pictures: “Republican presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., reacts to a protester shouting during his speech to the National Association of Latino Elected Officials in Washington, Saturday, June 28, 2008.”

Caption contest, kitten version

Meet my new cat. Currently hiding behind the couch.


Don’t take it personally. She’s friendly, really.



Been here four hours now. She’s about three months old. Thing is, the humane society people or someone named her (shudder) “Dot.” After the dot on her back, I guess.


We can do better.


And by we, I mean you.


Because I’m perfectly capable of calling a cat “Cat” for thirteen or so years. Done it before.


So it’s up to you. Give this kitty a name!

Scalia apportions blame

Antonin Scalia on Bush v. Gore: “Richard Nixon, when he lost to Kennedy thought that the election had been stolen in Chicago, which was very likely true with the system at the time... But he did not even think about bringing a court challenge. That was his prerogative. So you know if you don’t like it, don’t blame it on me. I didn’t bring it into the courts. Mr Gore brought it into the courts. So if you don’t like the courts getting involved talk to Mr Gore.”

For your captioning pleasure, some leftover pictures:

Our concerns are for you, not against you

This morning Bush spoke at the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast, and he did so in two languages: “So he asked, would I come to the prayer breakfast. My answer was, por supuesto.” “As some of you may or may not know, the -- mi niñita lived in Panama for a while”. “We pray that America will strengthen those who serve nuestros hermanos y hermanas in need.” “I’ve known Esperanza for ochos años.” George is just so totally bi-lingual.


He said of the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast: “It’s an important event because it reminds us that no matter what our status in life might be, that we have a duty to respond to a higher power.” Breakfast? It is the most important meal of the day.

If George can speak in two languages, I can get two punchlines from that sentence: “It’s an important event because it reminds us that no matter what our status in life might be, that we have a duty to respond to a higher power.” Dick Cheney?

Earlier, Bush spoke about the nuclear deal with North Korea.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, as I said in the statement, it’s action for action.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In North Korea, we have been concerned that food shipments sometimes don’t make it to the people themselves -- in other words, the regime takes the food for their own use.”

HE HAS A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT: “So my message to the [North Korean] people is, is that we’ll continue to care for you and worry about you, and at the same time, pursue a Korean Peninsula that’s nuclear weapons free.” He also told the North Koreans, “our concerns are for you, not against you”.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In the past, we would provide benefits to the North Koreans in the hope that they would fulfill a vague promise. In other words, that’s the way it was before I came into office.”



MAN, THOSE NORTH KOREANS ARE AUDACIOUS: “I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office.” You’re sure it wasn’t by Dick Cheney? He gets awfully hungry around noon.

And in the afternoon, he spoke at a conference sponsored by his Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, of which he said “This is not a political convention. This is a compassion convention. (Applause.) This is ‘we don’t care about politic’ convention.”

IRREFUTABLE PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF GOD: “How beautiful was that? From being a homeless mother of two to introducing the President of the United States. (Applause.) There has to be a higher power.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “my administration has advanced policies that yield greater support for faith-based and community groups. In other words, it’s one thing to talk it; it’s another thing to act.”

WHAT GEORGE IS OFTENTIMES ASKED BY THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD: “But oftentimes I’m asked, why? Why do you care what happens outside of America?”


WHAT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN A PLACE LIKE AMERICA: “It’s only in a place like America -- think about it, think about our country for a second -- could a life nearly extinguished by hate be restored by love and compassion.” Because every other country suuuuuucks.

WHAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN REALIZE: “You probably don’t even realize some of the acts of kindness are miracles. I’m telling you they are.”

Because when you think District of Columbia, you think well-regulated militia

The Supreme Court strikes down D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership (and its trigger-lock requirement), ruling 5-4 that everyone has the right to own handguns. They also ruled that it would be cool if dueling came back in style.

The return of constructive engagement and quiet diplomacy

South Africa’s ANC issues a statement on Zimbabwe which, while condemning “the flagrant violation of every principle of democratic governance” (though saying much of the blame lies with Britain), asks other nations not to intervene, saying “any attempts by outside players to impose regime change will merely deepen the crisis.” I seem to recall Ronald Reagan saying that very thing about apartheid South Africa in the 1980s (update: I didn’t mean that literally, but I’ve just done the google thing, and Reagan actually said that putting sanctions on South Africa would “deepen the crisis.”)

John McCain is profoundly disturbed. He says so himself.

McCain and Obama both reject the Supreme Court decision that the death penalty should not be applied to child-rapists, boldly coming out against the rape of children. McCain: “That there is a judge anywhere in America who does not believe that the rape of a child represents the most heinous of crimes, which is deserving of the most serious of punishments, is profoundly disturbing.” Heaven forfend any member of the United States judiciary not support the state putting people to death.

A spirit of respect

Bush met Vietnamese Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung today. Evidently, “Our relationship with Vietnam is getting closer, in a spirit of respect.” This spirit of respect did not, however, prevent the White House website failing to understand Vietnamese names and calling the respected guest “Prime Minister Dung.” The transcript didn’t specify whether Bush giggled disgracefully throughout the meeting.

A nation in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans

This morning Bush met with Philippines President Gloria Arroyo.

WHY GEORGE IS PROUD: “First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that -- in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER, BUT ALSO THE REMINDEDER: “And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House.”


GEORGE SPEAKS SENSITIVELY ABOUT THE TYPHOON: “Some are wondering whether or not their loved ones will, you know, reappear.”

MORE THAN STRONG STAND: “I congratulated the President on her strong stand on counterterrorism -- more than strong stand -- effective stand on counterterrorism”.


WHAT STICKS SAY: “The President has been very strong in having a carrots-and-sticks approach -- ‘sticks,’ of course, say we’re not going to allow for people to terrorize our citizens; the ‘carrot’ approach is that there’s peace available.”

Terror gaffe

McCain aide Charlie Black, in what the London Times rather charmingly called a “terror gaffe,” told Fortune magazine that a terrorist attack on US soil would “certainly” “be a big advantage” to McCain. Possibly he thought was talking to Soldier of Fortune magazine?

Le mot juste

I just got my new driver’s license in the mail. With the new picture.

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!