Friday, July 04, 2008

Wherein is revealed who was an unwavering champion of those struggling for liberty

Bush describes the late Jesse Helms as “an unwavering champion of those struggling for liberty.” I don’t think that word means what George thinks it means. He adds that “we pray he finds comfort in the arms of the loving God he strove to serve throughout his life.” I pray he finds that God is a pissed-off black lesbian.

Speaking of politicians who were friends to blacks, women and especially to black women, Bush celebrated the Fourth of July at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello, which he’s evidently never bothered to visit before. Jefferson was a godless heathen, you know.

Jefferson, he said, “was known to have read five books at a time on a revolving book stand.” Whereas Bush has been known to spin five times on a revolving book stand until he gets dizzy and falls off.

Symmetrical simpleton

HOW WE HONOR JEFFERSON’S LEGACY (HINT: IT INVOLVES INVADING OTHER COUNTRIES): “We honor Jefferson’s legacy by aiding the rise of liberty in lands that do not know the blessings of freedom.”

Monticello hosted, as it does every year, a naturalization ceremony.

DUDE, THEY RAISE ONE HAND. UNLESS THEY’RE FRENCH, OF COURSE: “When you raise your hands and take the oath, you will complete an incredible journey.”

HEY, I’M JUST SURPRISED HE CAN COUNT THAT HIGH: “These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people.”

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