Humane

A Pentagon report says that Guantanamo is really all humane and shit. So that settles that.

We have a budget! An awful, awful budget! Um, hooray?

So the California Legislature has finally reached a budget agreement, because the Democrats agreed to the demands of Republican State Senator Abel Maldonado to eliminate funding for new furniture in the state controller’s office.

Wherein your blogger, of all people, complains about someone else’s lack of sensitivity and good taste

Headline of the Day: “Lost Boy Found in Crocodile.” Did the London Times really use the story of the horrific death of a five-year-old to sneak in a Peter Pan reference? (Headline is on the Times’ world news contents page; the story itself has a different one.)

Everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it’s not realistic at all

Doesn’t this picture of Bristol Palin at the Republican convention (hijacked from the Dependable Renegade)


make her look like she belongs on the Juniper Creek Compound in “Big Love”?

Duck

The NYT did a whole story about Bush’s plans to build a new presidential helicopter, which has become so expensive that Obama may cancel it, talking about its capabilities to deflect missiles, resist EMPs, etc., without mentioning the main selling point for Bush: a higher door, so he wouldn’t have to duck coming out of it – doesn’t look preznidenshul and dignitudinous, you know. Definitely worth $400 million plus per whirlybird. (Obama, two inches taller than Bush, has already bumped his head once.)

In the extreme minority

First line of a story in the London Times (it’s kind ofdownhill from there, so don’t bother reading it): “A man who found a 20p coin showing the Queen wearing what appears to be a pair of ear muffs thought it must be counterfeit.”

The NYT quotes Republican whip Eric Cantor: “I talk to Newt on a regular basis because he was in the position that we are in: in the extreme minority.” He said it, not me.

The article contained the interesting fact that Cantor is the only Jewish Republican in the House of Representatives.


The cat just got her head stuck in an empty Kleenex box. Like that time she licked the soap dispenser, I don’t think she’ll be doing it again.

The discretion of those who possess such expertise

Prince Harry, after being caught on video calling a fellow officer a “Paki,” is to be sent on an equality and diversity course. It must be some course, if it can teach an inbred twit who is third in line to inherit the throne because he happened to be born into a long line of inbed twits the importance of equality and diversity. I’m guessing hand puppets are involved.

Federal judge Gladys Kessler decides not to decide a case about the forcible feeding of hunger strikers (and the use of “restraint chairs” to facilitate such feeding) because the only people really qualified to decide whether it amounts to torture are, you guessed it, the torturers: “Petitioners insist that the use of the chair on a compliant detainee amounts to such unnecessary and painful restriction that it is tantamount to torture. Resolution of this issue requires the exercise of penal and medical discretion by staff with the appropriate expertise and is precisely the type of question that federal courts, lacking that expertise, leave to the discretion of those who possess such expertise.” Discretion – is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Another contest I’m probably gonna regret

An Indian Hindu nationalist group is developing a “healthy” soft drink based on, you guessed it, cow urine. It will have enormous health-giving powers. They will call it Gau Jal (Cow Water). Such a bland name. Surely the WIIIAIverse can do
better: names and/or slogans in comments, please.

Everybody needs to grab a hose

I passed my smog check today. And so did my car.

As Berlusconi raced to get a law through to stop the clinic letting that woman who had been in a coma for 17 years die, she died. Guess she won’t be incubating any of Silvio’s babies. Berlusconi immediately accused President Napolitano, who had refused to sign his decree (on the grounds that they really shouldn’t be overturning court rulings) of murder.

Name of the Day, mentioned by Barack Obama during a town hall meeting in Ft Myers, Florida (the foreclosure capital of America): Florida Chief Financial Officer Alex Sink.

Obama was accompanied by Charlie Crist, who talked about the importance of being bi... partisan. Obama added, “And when the town is burning, you don’t check party labels. Everybody needs to grab a hose, and that’s what Charlie Crist is doing right here today.”


HAS HE EVER MET AN AMERICAN?: “I know that all that people are asking for is a chance to work hard.”

REALLY, HAS HE EVER MET AN AMERICAN?: To someone complaining about working at McDonald’s because he can’t find another job: “the fact that you are working as hard as you’re working at a job that I know doesn’t always pay as well as some other jobs, I think that’s a source of pride for you. That shows that -- that you’re doing the right thing.” A crappy job serving unhealthy food which Obama would never eat himself, that’s doing the right thing? Right for whom?

Or else

The town hall meeting still isn’t really Obama’s format. It came across as not much more spontaneous than any of Bush’s town hall meetings (although I’m sure no homeless person was ever allowed into one of those), mostly because Obama insisted on doing almost all of the talking, giving long answers and not really interacting with his questioners.

Everything You Need to Know About the Stimulus Package (STIMPY) You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner’s Face

Obama press conference: So what I’m trying to underscore is what the people in Elkhart already understand

Transcript.

He talked a great deal about his visit to Elkhart, Indiana, which is for him what Joe the Plumber was for McCain and Palin. Evidently Elkhart, Indiana has lost jobs faster than anywhere else in America, and is the RV capital of America. TV stations “have started running public service announcements to tell people where to find food banks, even as the food banks don’t have enough to meet the demand.” So the tv stations are really just screwing with them. So cruel.

UH OH, THE DUDE’S GETTING DELUSIONS OF BEING AN ECONOMIST: “What I’ve said is what other economists have said...”

WORST DISNEYLAND RIDE EVER: “If you delay acting on an economy of this severity, then you potentially create a negative spiral”.

We don’t want to lose a decade, like Japan. Actually, Japan was just giving us a head start. They’re just very sporting like that.


WE’RE SPECIAL: “So what I’m trying to underscore is what the people in Elkhart already understand, that this is not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill recession.” Actually, the people in Elkhart understand that in recessions the mills don’t actually run, that’s kind of the problem.

BUT IT WOULD BE UNACCEPTABLE FOR IRAN TO BE BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER: Iran should “recognize that, even as it has some rights as a member of the international community, with those rights come responsibilities.”

Puppies! No one is asking about the White House puppy! What sort of reporters are these people, anyway?

Says putting three Republicans in his cabinet “unprecedented.” Actually, I’m pretty sure Bush did that too.


Comes out firmly in favor of weatherization. As a Californian, I have to ask – what is this “weather” of which you speak?

Evidently we have the most inefficient health care system ever in the world. They’re still using paper, for chrissake! Paper!

He regales the press with a story of how he once visited a school in South Carolina built in the 1850s. They all gasp: South Carolina has schools?

Puppy! We were promised a puppy!

He didn’t come into office “ginned up to spend $800 billion.” Oddly reminiscent of Bush saying he hadn’t planned on being a war president. Only with Bush it was tequila and cocaine rather than gin (or beer with Sean Hannity).


HA, HE SAID BANG: With TARP, “we didn’t get as big a bang for the buck as we should have.”

He doesn’t have a crystal ball. George Bush always said he didn’t have a magic wand. Someone give these guys a gift certificate to a magic store.

Puppy puppy puppy!

Will you lift the ban on showing coffins returning from Iraq? O: Well, that’s a very timely question, that I have no intention of answering...


I think he just said that the Afghan elections will be meaningless.

A Fox reporter asks about something or other Biden said last week – so what the hell was he talking about? Obama: Fuck if I know – you think I actually listen when Biden is talking?

Now they’re asking about some baseball player’s use of steroids, but nothing about the puppy? COME ON!

Helen Thomas (and if there’s anyone you’d think would ask about our puppy): Do you know of any country in the Middle East that has nuclear weapons? Obama: “I don’t want to speculate.” But we don’t want an arms race in the Middle East. Although evidently not as much as he doesn’t want to piss off Israel by acknowledging that they are a nuclear power. When Helen tried to follow up on the nuclear question, he talked over her and called on another reporter. Wimp.


Evidently the people of Elkhart, Indiana can’t afford partisanship. Not even off-brand partisanship at Wal-Mart.

WORK A BIT MORE ON THAT JESSE JACKSON RHYMING THING: “I’m not sure they have a lot of credibility when it comes to fiscal responsibility.”


YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT: “I think that, over time, people respond to civility and rational argument. I think that’s what the people of Elkhart and the people around America are looking for.”

You know what else the people of Elkhart and the people around America respond to? Puppies!

Hannity, minus the Colmes, but with beer

Obama held a town hall meeting in Elkhart, Indiana today, making a point, for some reason, of saying that audience members had not been screened. One of them told him, “I’m one of those that thinks you need to have a beer with Sean Hannity.” And snort some blow with Bill O’Reilly. And do some meth with Rush Limbaugh.


Nothing else of interest occurred. Though Reuters did get this nice Obama-propeller picture out of the trip.

Jobs you don’t need a brain for (prime minister of Italy, f’r instance)

Italy is having its Terri Schiavo moment, with Silvio Berlusconi intervening to prevent implementation of a court ruling allowing a 38-year-old woman in a vegetative state since 1992 to die (although the president is refusing to sign Berlusconi’s decree). According to Berlusconi, although she is in a coma, she should be kept alive because she is “in the condition to have babies.” So that’s okay then.

We can’t expect relief

In Obama’s weekly address, a sentence in which the word “relief” can be read two different ways, both true: “Let’s be clear: We can’t expect relief from the tired old theories that, in eight short years, doubled the national debt, threw our economy into a tailspin, and led us into this mess in the first place.”

Faith

So Obama’s version of Bush’s “faith-based initiative” will include the goal of abortion-reduction. How does that work? Will the government pay people to tell pregnant women they will go to hell if they have an abortion?

Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me

Naturally, I signed up for email at Sarah Palin’s PAC. Today I got a... be still my heart... personal email from Sarah herself. “With your help,” she says, “I’ll be able to speak out.” I’m betting all her support comes from bloggers and late night comedians needing material. She signs off, “With an Alaskan heart, Sarah.” An Alaskan heart? What would that be? Snow? Whale blubber? Meth?

(Later): ah, the Alaskan heart is of course shooting wolves from airplanes, a practice Palin is again defending, against Ashley Judd and the Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund, which she accuses of “twisting the truth in an effort to raise funds from innocent and hard-pressed Americans struggling with these rough economic times.” Did I mention Sarah is asking for contributions (from innocent and hard-pressed Americans) to her PAC? Palin says that wolves need to be shot from airplanes because “Alaskans depend on wildlife for food and cultural practices which can’t be sustained when predators are allowed to decimate moose and caribou populations.” By cultural practices, she of course means recreational killing. Wolves hunting for food should be killed because they’re interfering with humans hunting for fun.

That’s what she looks like when she’s outraged
Palin also gave an interview to Esquire magazine in which she claims, mysteriously, “Sweat is my sanity.” And that “Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me.” Well, speaking on behalf of all the bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie, the feeling is mutual, Sarah.

Many people are focused on the little negatives that occurred

Alberto Gonzales was interviewed by CNN’s Campbell Brown or, as he called her when she insisted on bringing up the US attorneys scandal, “Campbell, Campbell, Campbell.”

WHAT MANY PEOPLE ARE FOCUSED ON: He expressed a forlorn hope that “history will reflect the fact that during my tenure both at the White House and at the Department of Justice we did a tremendous job in protecting our country,” but complained that “many people are focused on the little negatives that occurred”. Yes, Gonzo, that’s exactly how history will remember you: as one of the little negatives that occurred.

THIS LEVEL = WAY OVER HIS HEAD: What did he learn? “Well, what I learned is that at this level you’re going to make mistakes.”

WHY SOME EMPLOYERS ARE GOING TO BE VERY HESITANT: So why can’t you get a job, Gonzo? “With respect to employment, listen, I can understand in a very tough economy, some employers are going to be very hesitant about bringing someone like me on when you have ongoing investigation.”

WHAT HE STILL HAS: “I feel like I still have a lot to contribute to our community and to our country and I want to do so.”

CONTEST: What exactly does Little Negative still have to contribute to our community and to our country? License plates?

I know you people actually like hesitation, repetition and deviation,

but this week’s “Just a Minute” (available until sometime next Monday) is especially good.

Well then who can we rebuild into a Jeffersonian democracy?

Interviewed by Matt Lauer yesterday, Barack Obama talked about the alleged difficulties of shutting Guantanamo: “No, because we’ve got a couple of hundred of hardcore militants that, unfortunately, because of some problems that we had previously in gathering evidence, we may not be able to try in ordinary courts –- but we don’t want to release.” Sigh. So he’s giving us the same “worst of the worst” line we used to hear from Cheney, as if the “problems in gathering evidence” might not suggest that some of the people the Bushies swept up are not actually guilty of anything.

By the way, Pentagon, how about an update on how many of the Gitmo prisoners are still on hunger strike? The number was up to 45+ on inauguration day.

On “Obama’s War,” Afghanistan, he decided to lower expectations: “We are not going to be able to rebuild Afghanistan into a Jeffersonian democracy.” Although women will be kept as slaves and fucked by their owners.

So what are his goals for Afghanistan? Just these two: “make sure that Afghanistan is not a safe haven for al Qaeda.... make sure that it is not destabilizing neighboring Pakistan”. So totally worth it.

Is the Bowl game racist?

Does anyone else think Puppy Bowl features too many pure breed players and not enough (or indeed any) mutts?

Also, if Puppy Bowl is the best show on Animal Planet, wouldn’t Puppy Bowel be the worst?