Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Netanyahu’s speech to Congress: Israel is what is right about the Middle East

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu (an anagram of Junta By Inane He-Man)(h/t Dave Barry) gave an address to Congress today. But did he bring a nice coffee cake?

IF THE SECOND PART OF THIS IS TRUE, THAT WOULD JUST BE SO VERY SAD: “Israel has no better friend than America, and America has no better friend than Israel.”

WHEN? WHEN HAVE WE STOOD TOGETHER TO DEFEND DEMOCRACY OR ADVANCE PEACE? WHEN? “We stand together to defend democracy. We stand together to advance peace. We stand together to fight terrorism.”

If I were a rich man, Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

NETANYAHU IS MR. SUBTLE, ISN’T HE? “Congratulations, America. Congratulations, Mr. President. You got bin Laden. Good riddance.”

WELL, IT’S AN ANCHOR OF SOMETHING ALL RIGHT: “In an unstable Middle East, Israel is the one anchor of stability.”

ON TOP OF ANOTHER NATION: “My friends, you don’t have to -- you don’t need to do nation-building in Israel. We’re already built.”

IN A WORLD...: “In a region where women are stoned, gays are hanged, Christians are persecuted, Israel stands out. It is different.” A brave move, coming out against women being stoned and gays hanged. Bibi risks alienating his Republican supporters.

ENJOY: “Of the 300 million Arabs in the Middle East and North Africa, only Israel’s Arab citizens enjoy real democratic rights.”

A BASIC TRUTH: “This startling fact reveals a basic truth: Israel is not what is wrong with about the Middle East; Israel is what is right about the Middle East.”

What is wrong about the Middle East, of course, is Iran, and he went on about that for a bit, and how Iran would totally nuke D.C. if it had nukes.

HE MENTIONED THE HOLOCAUST! DRINK! “Less than seven decades after 6 million Jews were murdered, Iran’s leaders deny the Holocaust of the Jewish people, while calling for the annihilation of the Jewish state.”

All day long I’d biddy biddy bum, If I were a wealthy man.

I AM OUTRAGED AT THE OUTRAGE AT THE LACK OF OUTRAGE! “Now, there’s something that makes the outrage even greater. And you know what that is? It’s the lack of outrage.”

ALSO, THAT THEY’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT SPORTS: “Now, as for Israel, if history has taught the Jewish people anything, it is that we must take calls for our destruction seriously.”

PAINFUL COMPROMISES: “I’m willing to make painful compromises to achieve this historic peace... Now, this is not easy for me. It’s not easy because I recognize that in a genuine peace, we’ll be required to give up parts of the ancestral Jewish homeland. And you have to understand this: In Judea and Samaria, the Jewish people are not foreign occupiers. We’re not the British in India. We’re not the Belgians in the Congo.” You might be confused into thinking that they’re foreign occupiers because of the 44 years of occupation. It’s like an optical illusion or something.

SO HELPFUL: “We’ve helped, on our side, we’ve helped the Palestinian economic growth by removing hundreds of barriers and roadblocks to the free flow of goods and people”. Of course we’re the ones put those barriers and roadblocks in place, but hey.

INSERT YOUR OWN OBVIOUS JOKE HERE: “The Palestinian economy is booming.”

I wouldn’t have to work hard. Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

He goes on about the generosity of the Israelis. Every Israeli prime minister since the Oslo Accords were signed has been willing to pretend to be willing to establish a Palestinian state, with certain... conditions... but “so far the Palestinians have been unwilling to accept a Palestinian state if it meant accepting a Jewish state alongside it. You see, our conflict has never been about the establishment of a Palestinian state. It’s always been about the existence of the Jewish state. ... It’s time for President Abbas to stand before his people and say, ‘I will accept a Jewish state.’”

GENEROUS: “Now, the precise delineation of those borders must be negotiated. We’ll be generous about the size of the future Palestinian state.” Generous with stolen land.

VERY FIRM: “but we’ll be very firm on where we put the border with it.” And on what side of the border Palestinian refugees will be from the land from which they were expelled. And who gets Jerusalem.

WHAT YOU KNOW VERY WELL: “But you know very well that in the Middle East the only peace that will hold is a peace you can defend.”

BUT I THOUGHT THE ONLY PEACE THAT WILL HOLD IS A PEACE YOU CAN DEFEND? “So it’s therefore vital, absolutely vital, that a Palestinian state be fully demilitarized.”

Although he thought it was very important for Palestinians to recognize “a Jewish state” before anything else happens, it’s also very important for the UN not to recognize a Palestinian state. “Peace can only be achieved around the negotiating table. The Palestinian attempt to impose a settlement through the United Nations will not bring peace. It should be forcefully opposed by all those who want to see this conflict end.”

“But peace can only be negotiated with partners committed to peace, and Hamas is not a partner for peace.”

“So I say to President Abbas, ‘Tear up your pact with Hamas, sit down and negotiate, make peace with the Jewish state. And if you do, I promise you this: Israel will not be the last country to welcome a Palestinian state as the new member of the United Nations. It will be the first to do so.’” So he will recognize a Palestinian state as long as he can dictate who runs it.

If I were a biddy biddy rich, Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

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