Monday, January 21, 2013

We are made for this moment (although if you check the label, it says “Made in China”)

Barack Obama gave a speech today. Here it is in its entirety: “Hey, Mitt Romney, remember that guy? Me neither! (drops mic)”

BEEN USED TO WIPE THE ASSES OF 44 PRESIDENTS: “Each time we gather to inaugurate a President we bear witness to the enduring strength of our Constitution.”

WHAT WE LEARNED: “Through blood drawn by lash and blood drawn by sword, we learned that no union founded on the principles of liberty and equality could survive half-slave and half-free.” Live (and slaughter hundreds of thousands of people) and learn, I guess.

BIDEN INSISTED ON THIS PART: “Together, we determined that a modern economy requires railroads and highways to speed travel and commerce...”

SURE, RULES, THAT’S A GOOD ONE: “Together, we discovered that a free market only thrives when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play.”

EXCEPT FOR THAT WHOLE FLYING KILLER ROBOTS THING I SEEM TO BE GETTING AWAY WITH: “Through it all, we have never relinquished our skepticism of central authority”.


“America’s possibilities are limitless, for we possess all the qualities that this world without boundaries demands: youth and drive...” My next deal with the Republicans on Social Security will kill off all the old people. “ endless capacity for risk...” Have you seen the way we eat? “and a gift for reinvention.” Wait, are you admitting you’re really a Kenyan? Because that would be hilarious. “My fellow Americans, we are made for this moment, and we will seize it -- so long as we seize it together.”

I’M PRETTY SURE THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SEX: “For we, the people, understand that our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it.”

BROAD SHOULDERS? YOU’RE CALLING THEM FAT, AREN’T YOU? “We believe that America’s prosperity must rest upon the broad shoulders of a rising middle class.”

YEAH, BECAUSE BEING BORN INTO THE BLEAKEST POVERTY TOTALLY HAS NO EFFECT ON YOUR CHANCE TO SUCCEED, AS LONG AS IT’S THE BLEAKEST AMERICAN POVERTY: “We are true to our creed when a little girl born into the bleakest poverty knows that she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else, because she is an American; she is free, and she is equal, not just in the eyes of God but also in our own.”

BECAUSE WE TOTALLY WANT TO WORK HARDER: “So we must harness new ideas and technology to remake our government, revamp our tax code, reform our schools, and empower our citizens with the skills they need to work harder...”

THE GENERATION THAT BUILD THIS COUNTRY? WHAT? WHEN DOES HE THINK THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT? “But we reject the belief that America must choose between caring for the generation that built this country and investing in the generation that will build its future.”

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, WE DID TAKE THE NATION FROM THE INDIANS: “The commitments we make to each other through Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security, these things do not sap our initiative, they strengthen us. They do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.” Okay, a defense of programs that are FIFTY AND EIGHTY YEARS OLD! I can’t believe this case still has to be made.

BETRAY, BAKE, WHATEVER: “We will respond to the threat of climate change, knowing that the failure to do so would betray our children and future generations.”

SCIENCE IS SOOOOO JUDGMENTAL: “Some may still deny the overwhelming judgment of science, but none can avoid the devastating impact of raging fires and crippling drought and more powerful storms.”

BUT THEN WE ALWAYS GET TALKED INTO THE “EXTENDED WARRANTEE” AT BEST BUY, SO... “We, the people, still believe that enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.”

WHAT WE KNOW TOO WELL: “Our citizens, seared by the memory of those we have lost, know too well the price that is paid for liberty.” Vietnam, Grenada, Iraq, Afghanistan, you know, liberty.

Because the guy who describes our recent wars as being about liberty is the guy we can trust not to get us into more wars.

“We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths –- that all of us are created equal –- is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along this great Mall, to hear a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth.” Of course the previous paragraph (Obama’s, not King’s) was about using drones (he didn’t say drones, but from his past practice that’s what he meant) to “support democracy from Asia to Africa, from the Americas to the Middle East,” about which King would have had a few things to say.

“For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts. Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law, for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.” And can everyone please forget what his views on this subject were until less than a year ago.

Although if you want to celebrate the inclusion of the word “gay” in an inaugural speech for the first time by committing love on one another, go right ahead.

FOR EXAMPLE, SOME OF YOU SEEM TO DEFINE IT AS UNLIMITED FIREPOWER: “Being true to our founding documents does not require us to agree on every contour of life. It does not mean we all define liberty in exactly the same way or follow the same precise path to happiness.”

Speaking of following different paths to happiness, in their own distinct ways, Antonin Scalia

and Martin Luther King Jr’s sister

both know one thing: it’s all about the hats.

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  1. It is all about the hat.

    Truth, friend, I do not know how you wade into the hell of something like this without gouging out your eyeballs and jamming knitting needles into your ears. I am grateful you do it, and without the self-mutilation, too.

  2. Yeah.... without the self-mutilation.

    So that was an option?

  3. Sadly, no. To refuse self-mutilation is a violation of the ToS, but we all know how seriously we take those.

    You obviously didn't blind yourself and I'm betting you don't have sticks in your ears, so what was it? Cutting? Putting out cigarettes on your inner thighs? Trimming all your nails too close to the quick?

  4. Well let's just say it involves nose hairs and a car battery and leave it at that.

  5. E-stim play, huh? Look. If it's fun it doesn't count, no matter what scars are left behind.

    Didn't know you were that kinky, but I approve!