Bush and God and hats in Croatia

Bush gave a not hugely interesting speech in the central square in Zagreb.


I don’t much like it when he claims to enunciate American religious beliefs when he’s in America, but it’s especially obnoxious when he does so abroad: “Our countries are separated by thousands of miles, but we’re united by a deep belief in God and the blessings of liberty He gave us.” Worst geometry problem ever: if the distance between the US and Croatia is thousands of miles, and the belief in God and the blessings of liberty He gave us is 17 feet deep, what is the volume...


He then judged the Silliest National Costume (Balkans Division) competition. As always, it’s all about the hats. Little-known fact: the Bosnian civil war was fought entirely over the question of whether the homburg should have a little feather or not.

Tigers and the people who love them

Follow-up: a while back I mentioned the Argentinian woman who was stolen at birth from her parents, prisoners killed during the Dirty War, and who sued her adoptive parents. They were just sentenced to 8 and 7 years in prison, and the army captain who gave them the stolen baby got 10 years.

Reuters: “A tiger devoured a mentally ill man who entered its cage in a zoo in northeast China... It was reported that ‘only two legs and his skull were left’. His parents said he loved tigers.” And vice versa.

If you can think of other appropriately tasteless jokes about that news story, far be it for me to stop you putting them in comments.

Bush and his hanger-oners at the NATO conference and in Croatia

News story lead sentence of the day (Reuters): “Kikwete of Tanzania has condemned witchdoctors who kill albinos and harvest their body parts in the hope that they will bring prosperity.”

Stupid Hollywood remake idea of the week: Short Circuit.

The NATO summit finished up today. Bush made many friends.


Since no one would talk to him, he went back to his best friend: booze.


Much better.

Before he left, he met with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu-Tăriceanu, his good (but not great) friend: “We just had a great -- we had a good meeting, because we’re good friends.”

He thanked Popescu-Tăriceanu for hosting the summit: “It’s not easy to host as many automobiles, body guards, world leaders, hanger-oners as you did.” Is Condi a hanger-oner? Laura?

However he did upbraid the PM for not arranging a proper tribute for him: “I didn’t have quite the dramatic rainbow scene this time as I did the first time I came”.

HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW: He apologized for American visa policy towards Romanians: “Our Congress passed new law -- it frankly wasn’t as good as I thought it should be, but nevertheless, it is the law of the land, because I signed it into law.”

From there, it was on to Zagreb. A few more drinks on the plane turned him from a happy drunk into a sullen drunk. (Or possibly into Richard Nixon. Doesn’t he look like Nixon?)


“Okay George, very good, now your left foot. No, your other left.”

“Okay George, almost there, just a little lower. No, George, there’s only one hand. How could I be holding out three hands? Just shake it already.”

“Just stand right here. Try not to fall over.”

If he only had a good meeting with his good friend Călin Popescu-Tăriceanu, he had a great one with Croatian President Mesic, who gave him a drink.



Bonus NATO summit picture:

“Peace, baby.”

Bush at the NATO summit: Clearly remembering evil’s face

Bush is attending the MATO NATO summit. Today he made a little speech in which he called NATO “the most successful alliance in history on behalf of human freedom.” Define successful. Also freedom. And history. And human.

He welcomed the invitation extended to Albania, Croatia and Macedonia (well, two out of three) to join NATO, because they “all know the difference between good and evil, because they clearly remember evil’s face.” That’s just rude; you know how sensitive evil is about its appearance.

That was two out of three because Greece is once again blocking Macedonia because of its fucking name. Bush says “The name issue needs to be resolved quickly”. A little late for that: Greece has been pulling this shit since 1992 in one of the longest and silliest temper tantrums in diplomatic history.

Making friends and influencing people: Bush with the Macedonian president and prime minister, with Georgian president Saakashvili, Angela Merkel, and Gordon Brown.

To love one’s country is to love one’s countrymen, if you know what I mean

The latest John McCain ad (2:47):



Admit it: after all that homoerotic talk about the love of fighting men for each other, the repeated use of the word “glory” made you add “-hole” in your mind.

Peace in the Middle East, one dirt mound at a time

Finally, a definition of the 50 “roadblocks” in the West Bank which Condi so fulsomely praised Israel for promising to remove. They are dirt mounds. Israel has now taken what they call the “concrete step” of removing those 50 dirt mounds (of course before they agreed to remove 50 of the mounds, they added 30).

On Fox News yesterday, Holy Joe Lieberman defended McCain confusing (slash lying about) Shiite and Sunni as “mis-speaking,” not one minute after himself saying, “If we did what Sen. Obama wanted us to do last year, Al-Qaeda in Iran would be in control of Iraq today.” (h/t Matt Browner Hamlin).

Thief of the day: In Spain, a burglar broke into a funeral parlor, but was overheard. When the police arrived, he pretended to be a corpse, but was caught because 1) he wasn’t in a coffin, 2) he was in dirty work clothes, 3) he was breathing.

Priest of the day: In Florence, a priest gained £3m through fake exorcisms. That’s the sort of thing that ruins it for the real exorcists. The priest denies that he practiced exorcism without... wait for it... a license.

Headline of the day, from the Times: “Teenage Thai Ladyboys Warned over £65 Castrations.”

In Europe, Bush learns that, as is so often the case, it’s all about the hats.

Bush in Romania: An ambition mission

Today Bush arrived in Bucharest for the NATO summit. Or as he called it, “MATO.” He is still talking about how five years ago he saw a rainbow: “And then the clouds parted, and a rainbow appeared in the sky -- heralding a new day for this nation, and the Atlantic Alliance she was about to join.”

AMBITION MISSION: “Afghanistan is the most daring and ambition [sic] mission in the history of NATO.”

NATO’S WAR WITH NATO: “Our Alliance must maintain its resolve and finish the fight in NATO.” (He meant Afghanistan).

NOT NECESSARILY GOOD ONES, BUT WHY SPLIT HAIRS? “The surge has produced results across Iraq.”

RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR: “We’re working toward a new security relationship with Russia whose foundation does not rest on the prospect of mutual annihilation.”

DRACULA! “The Romanian people have seen evil in their midst -- and they’ve seen evil defeated.”

Later, he held a press conference with Romanian President Basescu.

IN OUT INTEREST TO HELP SUCCEED: “But in this case, it’s in our interest to help succeed because we don’t want an enemy that has been known to attack people -- nations in our Alliance to be able to develop safe haven again, to be able to use a launching pad like Afghanistan to plot, plan and attack.”

President Basescu stepped in to give a, um, variant on that theme: “Sure, we have a extremely clear idea if we don’t keep the terrorists in Afghanistan, if we let them free, they’ll come in Europe, they’ll come in United States.”

THE POTENTIAL OF THE BLACK SEA: “I take the advice of the President on the Black Sea. ... he loves the Black Sea. And he understands the potential of the Black Sea.”


DOUBLE PROMOTION: “We need to promote the scenario where you can promote energy independence. All nations ought to have a variety of sources of energy from which to choose, so it’s never become captured by a single supplier.”

WHAT HE WILL MAKE CLEAR TO PUTIN: He noted that he will meet Putin for “our last face-to-face meeting as a presidency”. “Look, I’m going to meet with President Putin to make it clear to him the Cold War is over”. In case he didn’t get the memo.

Bush in the Ukraine: Democracies are good things to have on your border

In the Ukraine (which as far as this blog is concerned still takes the article), Bush had a joint press conference with President Viktor Yushchenko, who as far as this blog is concerned is still “Pock-Faced Mr. Y.”


WHAT BUSH AND POCK-FACED MR. Y SPENT A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT: “And President Yushchenko and I understand that democracies are the best partners for peace and security in every part of the world. So we spent a lot of time talking about NATO.”


PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FLAGS (waved by Ukrainians protesting plans to join NATO): “Just because there was a bunch of, you know, Soviet-era flags in the street yesterday doesn’t -- you shouldn’t read anything into that.”

A CLEAR SIGNAL: “And my stop here is -- should be a clear signal to everybody that I mean what I say, and that is, I mean that it’s in our interest for Ukraine to join. And so, therefore, one should -- but you ought to take more than my stop -- more from my stop than just a -- trying to send a signal on NATO.”


WHAT PUTIN SHOULDN’T FEAR, AND WHAT ARE GOOD THINGS TO HAVE ON YOUR BORDER: “I told that to President Putin on my phone call with him recently. I said, you just got to know, I’m headed to Bucharest with the idea in mind of getting MAP for Ukraine and Georgia, and you shouldn’t fear that, Mr. President. After all, NATO is a organization that’s peaceful, or NATO is an organization that helps democracies flourish. Democracies are good things to have on your border.” Which is it, George? NATO is “a” organization, or NATO is “an” organization? Pick a side, we’re at war!


WHAT MISSILES FROM THE MIDDLE EAST COULD JUST AS EASILY DO: “And on the second point, on missile defense, it’s in his interests that we participate and share information. After all, a missile from the Middle East can fly north just as easily as it could fly west...” Yeah; fucking MapQuest! “...and the capacity to be able to share information and share technology to be able to deal with these threats is important for a lot of countries, including Russia.”


WHAT CONDI AND BOB DID IN RUSSIA: “That’s what Condi Rice and Bob Gates spent time doing when they were there in Russia, and that is to defuse any notions that this is aiming something at somebody in Europe. This is all aiming to protect people in Europe.” We aim to please.


WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH: “We’re dealing with a lot of history and a lot of suspicion throughout governments.”

WHAT PUTIN HAS BEEN: “He’s a -- you know, he’s a person that has been a strong leader for Russia.”


The US Secret Service searches performers for weapons.


Dude! They’ve got spears. Spears! In their hands!

The guilty abroad

Bush has arrived in Kiev, where he is given the traditional Ukrainian greeting of bread and salt. Never has a man looked so perplexed by bread and salt.



(Update: the White House website captions this picture, “President George W. Bush acknowledges the taste of bread”.)

McCain’s daddy issues

Today McCain talked about how every single one of his (male) ancestors has served in the military, killing people for their country. He said that when he was a POW, his father “prayed on his knees every night for my safe return. ... Yet, when duty required it, he gave the order for B-52s to bomb Hanoi, in close proximity to my prison.” You know, if my father had dropped bombs in close proximity to me, I wouldn’t be praising his patriotism, I would consider him a bit of a douche. Of course my father wasn’t in the military, he was in accounting, so I’d also really have to wonder what he was doing with all those bombs. And for that matter, what I was doing in a prison in Hanoi.

(Little artistic license there: my father was not actually in accounting.)

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson held a press conference to propose rejiggering financial regulatory bodies (and preempting state regulation of securities and industry). Which means it’s time for another instalment of our ongoing series, “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.”

Not coming to insert American ideas into this process

Totally sincere political statement of the week: Barack Obama: “My attitude is that Senator Clinton can run as long as she wants.”

CONDI GOT NO IDEAS: Condi, in Israel: “I’m not coming to insert American ideas into this process.”

She has been trumpeting, because it’s the only thing she has to show for her latest visit to the Middle East, an agreement by Israel to ease movement in the West Bank by eliminating 50 roadblocks. Not the checkpoints, which will be “upgraded,” just roadblocks. Reporters in her press pool, sensing that the term had been simply made up in order to make Israel look good by agreeing to remove 50 of them without relieving the burden on Palestinian travelers in the tiniest bit, repeatedly tried to get her to define just exactly what constitutes a roadblock, and she rather clearly had no idea. Er, did I say clearly?:

Let me just explain, though, that the whole point here is not to try and isolate and say we remove that or remove that. The whole point here is to have an integrated approach that looks at the security, looks at the movement and access issues, and looks at the potential for economic prospects, and then comes up with concrete steps that can move all three together in an integrated fashion. ...

General Fraser will be following up on the specifics and will be also -- the term that he uses is not verifying, but making certain that, in fact, there are 50 and that they are being removed and that they, in fact, have some impact on the access issue. ...

But the question is not just a category -- roadblocks or checkpoints -- but what does it do to allow people to move freely. ...

But again, we’re trying to take an approach that is consistent with security, movement and economic development so that it’s not just -- so that it’s not just remove something that may not have any effect or that may adversely affect security but is not really critical to economic activity. It really is an effort now to put these three elements together and to make decisions on that basis.

(Update: the Guardian says there are now 580 roadblocks.)

Consternation and concern and care

In the afternoon, Bush went to a company called Novadebt in New Jersey, which gives mortgages advice, and wandered amongst the cubicles.

WE HAVE GOT A ISSUE: “And the reason why I’m here is because we have got a issue in housing in America.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “The value of the houses have gone down in some areas, and people’s mortgages are resetting. In other words, the interest rates are going up.”

OO, ALLITERATION: “And that has caused consternation and concern and care.” Oh my.


He also met some of the people who have received mortgage advice, including one Danny Cerchiaro, a New Jersey name if ever I heard one.

BECAME WORKING: “He got -- he called HOPE NOW, and he became working with a mortgage counselor named Penny Meredith.”

WHAT WAS THAT NUMBER AGAIN? “And I want my fellow citizens, if you’re worried about your home, to call this number: 188-995-HOPE [sic]. Let me repeat that again: 188-995-HOPE [sic].”

There have been other defining moments up to now, but this is a defining moment, as well

At the Air Force Museum in Ohio yesterday, Bush gave a speech from which only one line is worth passing on: “You know, when I mentioned justice of the cause, you see that when Americans in full battle gear hand out books to children, hand out books to total strangers.”

The Marine Corps is dropping all charges against Lance Cpl. Stephen Tatum for his role in the Haditha Massacre (see previous posts), evidently in exchange for his testimony against Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich. According to a press release, “This was done in order to continue to pursue the truth-seeking process into the Haditha incident.” A justice-seeking process might also have been nice.

Today Bush met with Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, who, when asked by an Aussie reporter how he would describe him, he called “Fine lad, fine lad.”


When asked about foreign policy differences with Rudd (Iraq, China, greenhouse gasses, etc), Bush said “I guess it depends if you’re a half-glass empty guy or a half-glass full guy,” adding that he really could see no differences, but maybe that’s because he’d just drunk half a glass of tequila. He didn’t even see policy differences over Rudd’s plan to pull troops out of Iraq. “Obviously the Prime Minister kept a campaign commitment, which I appreciate. I always like to be in the presence of somebody who does what he says he’s going to do.” And yet it never rubs off.

But he didn’t ascribe Rudd’s decision to the will of the Australian people as expressed by the polls, no, that would violate Dick Cheney’s “So?” Doctrine. “I would view the Australia decision as ‘return on success’”. He also demonstrated his understanding of Aussie policy with his usual clarity: “But the commitment of Afghanistan is not to leave Iraq alone; it’s to change mission.”

SOME PEOPLE CAN TELL AN INTERESTING STORY, SOME PEOPLE CAN’T: “And so he told me about an interesting story. He met with the Prime Minister, Maliki. Prime Minister Maliki says to Kevin Rudd -- or Kevin Rudd says to Prime Minister Maliki, what can we do to help you. It wasn’t, what can we do to abandon you. He said, how can we help you?”

MORE PRAISE FOR RUDD: “He’s an expert on China -- it’s clear when you talk to him, he is an expert on China.”


Many of the reporters’ questions focused on Maliki’s... in honor of Mr. Rudd, I’m hereby officially naming it Maliki’s Basra Balls-Up.

A LOT OF DEFINING GOING ON: “I would say this is a defining moment in the history of a free Iraq. There have been other defining moments up to now, but this is a defining moment, as well.”

IT TALKS! “The decision to move troops -- Iraqi troops into Basra talks about Prime Minister Maliki’s leadership.”

Q&A: “And one of the early questions I had to the Prime Minister was would he be willing to confront criminal elements, whether they be Shia or Sunni? Would he, in representing people who want to live in peace, be willing to use force necessary to bring to justice those who take advantage of a vacuum, or those who murder the innocent? And his answer was, yes, sir, I will. And I said, well, you’ll have our support if that’s the case, if you believe in evenhanded justice.”


IT’S NOT JUST A DEFINING MOMENT: “it is an interesting moment for the people of Iraq”.

WHAT’S SO INTERESTING ABOUT IT? “And so -- the other that’s interesting about this, by the way -- this happens to be one of the provinces where the Iraqs are in the lead -- Iraqis are in the lead, and that’s what they are in this instance.”

IT’S NOT JUST A DEFINING MOMENT AND AN INTERESTING MOMENT: “And this is a good test for them.” Given that Maliki just had to extend his surrender deadline by 10 days, I guess they’re taking an incomplete.


TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE ABILITY TO BE CRIMINALS: “And of course, routing out these folks who’ve burrowed in society, who take advantage of the ability to be criminals, or the ability to intimidate citizens, is going to take a while. ... And one of those things that’s been well known is that Basra has been a place where criminality has thrived. It’s a port, a lot of goods and services go through there.”

WHAT HE SUSPECTS MALIKI WOULD SAY: “And I haven’t spoke to the Prime Minister since he’s made his decision, but I suspect that he would say, look, the citizens down there just got sick and tired of this kind of behavior. ... And so I’m not exactly sure what triggered the Prime Minister’s response. I don’t know if it was one phone call. I don’t know what -- whether or not the local mayor called up and said, help -- we’re sick and tired of dealing with these folks. ... But this was his decision. It was his military planning. It was his causing the troops to go from point A to point B.”

SAD MONKEY: “And, yes, there’s going to be violence. And that’s sad.”

Yesterday, Nicolas Sarkozy and Gordon Brown showed what two national leaders really need in order to bond: a football.

I remember the rainbow most of all

Headline of the day (AFP): “Moves to Damp down Mozzarella Crisis.”

Yesterday Bush spoke with journalists from European countries he will soon be visiting.

IN THE INTERESTS: On the Ukraine and Georgia joining NATO: “I believe it’s in the interests that there is that clear path forward. ... So the first step, however, is for there to be a clear path forward, so that people understand -- and I believe it’s in our collective interest that we offer a clear path forward.”

He asked a Romanian reporter about a speech he once gave in Romania. Evidently there was a rainbow. He was very impressed by that, and wanted to know if they’re still talking about the “rainbow speech” in Romania. “I remember the rainbow most of all. It was a startling moment.”

You could tell they were foreign reporters because they expected Bush to be able to answer questions like this: “how do you see Croatia future in the NATO architecture in southeastern Europe, regarding its capability to host joint military bases, and primarily NATO forces, and the further development of its armed forces and its readiness to take part in NATO missions and contribute to the common security of the alliance?” Isn’t that adorable? He responded: “Croatia has served as a very good example, following a very dramatic moment, and that is the breakup of Yugoslavia. ... Examples are very important. The question is, would people have predicted 15 years ago that we’d be having this kind of discussion about Croatia. And who knows -- I don’t think many people would have certainly 25 years ago.” He added later, “And Croatia occupies a crucial part -- a crucial space in an important part of the world.”

SNOTTY MUCH? His forthcoming decision not to reduce troop levels in Iraq “will be based upon not politics, or not who can scream the loudest, but based upon whether or not we can maintain the successes we’ve had.”


CHANGING THE CAPACITY: “Congress did change the capacity for -- to have a new look at visa waiver.”

The London Times reporter asked whether Bush’s infatuation with Sarkozy was eclipsing the special relationship. Bush said that he will always love that country, whatever it’s called, and its leader, whoever that might be: “And that relationship was never as special as it was during times of conflict -- whether it be the relationship in the past between, like, Roosevelt and Churchill, or whether it be the current relationship, more modern relationship between Tony Blair and myself. ... And so, your question, ‘our greatest ally’ -- it’s going to be hard for any nation to trump Great Britain as our -- United Kingdom as our greatest ally.”

He announced that he’ll be going to Russia and he might even do the looking-in-his-eyes-and-seeing-his-soul thing with Medvedev, or he may have already met him, he’s not really sure, he’s like a Russian guy, right, yea high? “I haven’t met President Medvedev yet. I may have met him once, but I haven’t had a talk to him, President-to-President, obviously. He’s not even the President yet. I’m looking forward to meeting him.”

“In other words, there’s an invitation out there, and this is really -- the way to look at this is a follow-up to Condi and Bob Gates’s meeting -- which is good.”


The BBC caption for this picture is “Candidates for South Korean parliamentary elections and their supporters bow to traffic in the southern city of Daegu.” Um, okay.

Wherein John McCain reveals what he thinks of war

McCain gave his big foreign affairs speech today. Not surprisingly, it was so much like a Bush speech that the absence of “in other words”’s was almost jarring.

He opened with a joke: “I detest war.” No, really, he detests war. “Only a fool or a fraud sentimentalizes the merciless reality of war.” Is he implicitly calling George “It must be exciting for you ... in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger” Bush a fool or a fraud? Or possibly a frool?


But while he detests war (that just keeps getting funnier), he is a “realistic idealist.” “We cannot wish the world to be a better place than it is.” So throw away those wishes for the world to be a better place: vote McCain!

He says, repeatedly, that the US can’t act unilaterally, that we have to listen to the rest of the world. “There is such a thing as international good citizenship,” he says. Which sounds very reasonable of him, until you realize the forum in which the rest of the world will make its opinions known is his proposed “League of Democracies.” He also proposes booting Russia – excuse me, “a revanchist Russia” – from the G-8.


Oh, what else. Latin America is our back yard and our “natural partners.” China would be less of an adversary if it just shared our values. Eradicate malaria in Africa. No nukes in North Korea or Iran.

The “transcendent challenge of our time” is “radical Islamic terrorism.” Indeed, “Any president who does not regard this threat as transcending all others does not deserve to sit in the White House” (of course McCain has also referred to the use of steroids by professional athletes a “transcendent issue.”)

We must win the hearts and minds of moderate Muslims (yes, he really said hearts and minds, although the phrase was in quotation marks in the prepared text). Indeed, “In this struggle, scholarships will be far more important than smart bombs.” Says the guy who doesn’t know the difference between Sunnis and Shiites.


And of course, we have a “moral responsibility” never to leave Iraq: “It would be an unconscionable act of betrayal, a stain on our character as a great nation, if we were to walk away from the Iraqi people and consign them to the horrendous violence, ethnic cleansing, and possibly genocide that would follow a reckless, irresponsible, and premature withdrawal. Our critics say America needs to repair its image in the world. How can they argue at the same time for the morally reprehensible abandonment of our responsibilities in Iraq?” Yeah, how can they do that?

Do so do so do so

Today Bush went to a printing company in Virginia to talk about the economic stimulus package, which he says will benefit the very company in whose plant he is speaking: “It will benefit from it because if they make -- if Jim decides to purchase software or machinery, there is a tax incentive to encourage him to do so. He’s made the decision to do so, and his company will be encouraged to do so through the tax code.” You ever notice how if you say “do so” over and over, it loses all meaning?

HE HAS AN MBA YOU KNOW. FROM HARVARD AND EVERYTHING: “And that’s important because when he buys the machine, or when he buys software, somebody has to manufacture that. Therefore, there is a direct link between the stimulus package and jobs.”

WHAT GEORGE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO: “in the second week of May, a lot of folks are going to be getting a sizable check. And I’m looking forward to that day, and I know they are as well.” What will Bush spend his rebate check on? Suggestions in comments (alternatively: what should Bush spend his rebate check on?)