We are made for this moment (although if you check the label, it says “Made in China”)

Barack Obama gave a speech today. Here it is in its entirety: “Hey, Mitt Romney, remember that guy? Me neither! (drops mic)”

BEEN USED TO WIPE THE ASSES OF 44 PRESIDENTS: “Each time we gather to inaugurate a President we bear witness to the enduring strength of our Constitution.”

WHAT WE LEARNED: “Through blood drawn by lash and blood drawn by sword, we learned that no union founded on the principles of liberty and equality could survive half-slave and half-free.” Live (and slaughter hundreds of thousands of people) and learn, I guess.

BIDEN INSISTED ON THIS PART: “Together, we determined that a modern economy requires railroads and highways to speed travel and commerce...”

SURE, RULES, THAT’S A GOOD ONE: “Together, we discovered that a free market only thrives when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play.”

EXCEPT FOR THAT WHOLE FLYING KILLER ROBOTS THING I SEEM TO BE GETTING AWAY WITH: “Through it all, we have never relinquished our skepticism of central authority”.

AGAIN, IT’S BEEN MORE THAN ELEVEN YEARS, AND NO IT ISN’T: “A decade of war is now ending.” NO, IT FUCKING ISN’T.

“America’s possibilities are limitless, for we possess all the qualities that this world without boundaries demands: youth and drive...” My next deal with the Republicans on Social Security will kill off all the old people. “...an endless capacity for risk...” Have you seen the way we eat? “and a gift for reinvention.” Wait, are you admitting you’re really a Kenyan? Because that would be hilarious. “My fellow Americans, we are made for this moment, and we will seize it -- so long as we seize it together.”

I’M PRETTY SURE THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SEX: “For we, the people, understand that our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it.”

BROAD SHOULDERS? YOU’RE CALLING THEM FAT, AREN’T YOU? “We believe that America’s prosperity must rest upon the broad shoulders of a rising middle class.”

YEAH, BECAUSE BEING BORN INTO THE BLEAKEST POVERTY TOTALLY HAS NO EFFECT ON YOUR CHANCE TO SUCCEED, AS LONG AS IT’S THE BLEAKEST AMERICAN POVERTY: “We are true to our creed when a little girl born into the bleakest poverty knows that she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else, because she is an American; she is free, and she is equal, not just in the eyes of God but also in our own.”

BECAUSE WE TOTALLY WANT TO WORK HARDER: “So we must harness new ideas and technology to remake our government, revamp our tax code, reform our schools, and empower our citizens with the skills they need to work harder...”

THE GENERATION THAT BUILD THIS COUNTRY? WHAT? WHEN DOES HE THINK THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT? “But we reject the belief that America must choose between caring for the generation that built this country and investing in the generation that will build its future.”

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, WE DID TAKE THE NATION FROM THE INDIANS: “The commitments we make to each other through Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security, these things do not sap our initiative, they strengthen us. They do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.” Okay, a defense of programs that are FIFTY AND EIGHTY YEARS OLD! I can’t believe this case still has to be made.

BETRAY, BAKE, WHATEVER: “We will respond to the threat of climate change, knowing that the failure to do so would betray our children and future generations.”

SCIENCE IS SOOOOO JUDGMENTAL: “Some may still deny the overwhelming judgment of science, but none can avoid the devastating impact of raging fires and crippling drought and more powerful storms.”

BUT THEN WE ALWAYS GET TALKED INTO THE “EXTENDED WARRANTEE” AT BEST BUY, SO... “We, the people, still believe that enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.”

WHAT WE KNOW TOO WELL: “Our citizens, seared by the memory of those we have lost, know too well the price that is paid for liberty.” Vietnam, Grenada, Iraq, Afghanistan, you know, liberty.

Because the guy who describes our recent wars as being about liberty is the guy we can trust not to get us into more wars.

“We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths –- that all of us are created equal –- is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along this great Mall, to hear a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth.” Of course the previous paragraph (Obama’s, not King’s) was about using drones (he didn’t say drones, but from his past practice that’s what he meant) to “support democracy from Asia to Africa, from the Americas to the Middle East,” about which King would have had a few things to say.

“For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts. Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law, for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.” And can everyone please forget what his views on this subject were until less than a year ago.

Although if you want to celebrate the inclusion of the word “gay” in an inaugural speech for the first time by committing love on one another, go right ahead.

FOR EXAMPLE, SOME OF YOU SEEM TO DEFINE IT AS UNLIMITED FIREPOWER: “Being true to our founding documents does not require us to agree on every contour of life. It does not mean we all define liberty in exactly the same way or follow the same precise path to happiness.”

Speaking of following different paths to happiness, in their own distinct ways, Antonin Scalia

and Martin Luther King Jr’s sister

both know one thing: it’s all about the hats.

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Justice, military and otherwise

Col. James Pohl, the show judge in Guantanamo show trials, rejects a defense request that he rule on whether the Constitution of the United States applies to military tribunals. Pohl says no. What sort of trial takes place where the triers refuse to say what laws the trial takes place under?

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Edward Avery, a former Catholic priest currently in prison for that thing they do, insists at a civil trial that he wasn’t really guilty of raping children, “So help me God,” that he plead guilty because he was just afraid of getting a longer sentence than the piddling 2½ to 5-year one he received. Cool, let’s invalidate the guilty plea and put him back on trial.

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Today -100: January 21, 1913: It robs life of romance and offers in restitution a lady Alderman

At an anti-women’s-suffrage meeting in London, Lord Curzon, former viceroy of India, says that the enactment of women’s suffrage would place the Empire in the hands of women and make it the laughing stock of the world.

A debate is held in New York between suffragists and Antis. Charlotte Rowe, an anti, says that we can guess what sort of woman might be elected president, but “what kind of a man will such a woman’s husband be? One wonders what he will be doing when his wife is battling with the Senate or the House and upholding the country. Will he sit at the end of the table and pour the tea? Will he have to retire at the proper time with the wives of the diplomats? Will this weak man in the end revolt and ask for votes for men? ... Equal suffrage is a repudiation of manhood. It robs life of romance and offers in restitution a lady Alderman.”

The NY Assembly votes 123-7 to hold another referendum on women’s suffrage.

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Today -100: January 20, 1913: You didn’t sink my battleship!

More naval battles between Greece and Turkey. One problem: neither side can actually hit anything. 800 shells fired, almost no hits.

Harvard University, you know, Harvard, accepts a $10,000 endowment fund for psychical research.

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Today -100: January 19, 1913: Of diplomatic pressure, duels, and colonies

The Great Powers have given Turkey a diplomatic note urging it to give in to every one of the Balkan League’s territorial demands and saying that if it doesn’t, they will allow the war to resume, even if it means Constantinople falling. The theory is that the Ottomans will be more willing to be seen surrendering to Germany, France, etc than to the likes of Bulgaria and Montenegro.

The German Federal Council (whatever that is) refuses to do anything to stop dueling in the army. The Reichstag had asked that any officer who dueled be cashiered; this the Council rejects out of hand because of honor and shit.

Taft, in a speech to the Ohio Society of New York, says that if the Democrats give the Philippines their independence, it would mean the end of Democratic power for at least 25 years. Which is interesting not just because Taft vastly overestimates the attachment of average Americans to their distant colonial possessions, but because it belies Taft’s insistence that his attachment to the colony (of which he used to be governor-general) is based solely on the best interests of the Filipinos. He says that the Philippines must remain a colony for at least two or three generations, and then become independent only if they wish it (in other words, what they wish doesn’t matter for the next two or three generations).

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Today -100: January 18, 1913: Of censorship, duels, white women, and royal annulments

South Carolina Gov. Coleman Blease tells the Legislature that unless it passes laws to censor newspapers, people will shoot newspaper men, and “upon your heads will be the blood of that man.” If a vilified man “defends his honor with blood, who blames him? Certainly not a Lexington jury.” This is a reference to the 1903 murder by the lieutenant governor of the editor of The State and his subsequent acquittal.

French Prime Minister Raymond Poincaré is elected president by the National Assembly, amid rumors that he was about to fight a duel with Georges Clemenceau.

Insurrection in Angola against Portuguese colonial rule, or, as the NYT headline puts it, “Carry Off White Women.”

The House passes an immigration bill, including a literacy test (in any language) (admissible aliens can bring in their wives, parents over 52, etc even if they can’t read).

The marriage of Prince Georg and Archduchess Isabella of Austria is annulled. It lasted three days. There’s probably a story in there somewhere. Georgie will later become a Catholic priest.

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Today -100: January 17, 1913: No rebellion would be better justified

The British Parliament passes Irish Home Rule 367-257. That just leaves... the House of Lords.

Tory leader Andrew Bonar Law says “No rebellion would be better justified” than that of Ulster Protestants (he doesn’t actually say Protestants – when he talks about Ulster, as in “The men of Ulster are ready to give up their lives at the hands of British soldiers,” he’s pretending that there are no Catholics in Northern Ireland).

Woodrow Wilson calls off the inaugural ball, which is too expensive and would stop the work of the Bureau of Pensions, in whose building it would be held, for two weeks.

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Today -100: January 16, 1913: Of the criticism of Cubans, mixed breeds, negroes and negro-lovers

South Carolina Gov. Coleman Blease sends another message to the SC Legislature, this one all about the newspaper coverage of his remarks on the subject of lynching at the governors’ convention last month. He says “I care nothing for the criticism of Cubans, mixed breeds, negroes or negro-lovers.” He says that he didn’t say anything he hasn’t said many times within the state to applause “from the best people of my state.” And he wants a law against reporters giving “false impressions” of politicians’ speeches.

Mexican rebels are supposedly going to attack Acapulco imminently, and there are American citizens in Acapulco, so Taft sends a warship, as was the custom.

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Today -100: January 15, 1913: Of boxing, naughty nymphs, and waldos

Inter-racial boxing is banned in Pittsburgh.

British suffragettes have declared a truce on militancy for the duration of the period in which a women’s suffrage amendment might be added to the government’s franchise reform bill. Prime Minister Asquith has agreed to meet a deputation of what the NYT calls “these naughtiest nymphs of suffragism”.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but the New York City police commissioner is named Rhinelander Waldo.

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Today -100: January 14, 1913: Progressives and only Progressives

President-elect Wilson says his Cabinet will consist of “progressives and only progressives.” He has yet to name a single appointee.

South Carolina Gov. Coleman Blease issues his annual message to the Legislature. He threatens to veto college budgets unless elementary schools (meaning white schools) are better funded. He wants the law against concealed weapons repealed, because “Negroes and some others habitually carry pistols, and then when they get into a difficulty they shoot down the law-abiding citizen, who is unarmed and not in position to take care of himself against the coward.”

The Senate removes Robert Archbald as judge in the Commerce Court, only the third time in US history that a government official was removed through impeachment. He took bribes from railroad companies, as was the custom.

A Monsieur D’Andrimont, a member of the Belgian parliament, gives a speech calling for the reorganization of the consular service. The foreign minister comments that D’Andrimont gave the same speech last year. D’Andrimont responds that he’s actually been giving that speech word for word every year for the last 13 years but no one ever noticed before.

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Today -100: January 13, 1913: Of movies and peace talks

The Vatican bans motion pictures, even religious ones, from churches.

The Balkan War peace talks break up. The allies made maximalist demands on Turkey, but while Turkey was willing to give up huge swathes of land (and Crete), amounting, it points out, to four times as much land as the provinces of Alsace and Lorraine that France gave up to Germany in 1871, it draws the line at Adrianople, whose loss would leave Constantinople too exposed. Turkey also rather expected the great powers to do more to prevent the resumption of hostilities, which pose a threat of dragging everybody into an all-out European war.

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Today -100: January 12, 1913: Of self-starters, war dead, and dressing for the theater

One of the automobile articles in today -100’s Sunday NY Times reports that the new self-starters have resulted in more auto purchases by women, who had been put off by all that cranking (that came out dirtier than I intended) (Update: but is it as dirty as this?: “It means a stoop and a pull, more or less vigorous in proportion to the power of the motor and its mood on the particular occasion.”). Another feature making automobiling easier and cleaner: electrical lighting, with headlamps no longer requiring oil lamps and matches.

Bulgaria admits to having lost 21,302 dead in the Balkan War (which is just on hiatus). Meanwhile, people back home are dying from infectious diseases since all the doctors are off treating wounded soldiers.

The Savoy Theatre in London has announced that patrons need not wear evening dress. Clearly this is the beginning of the end of the British Empire. The revolt against the old custom is partly from theatre-going members of the middle class who don’t have time to go home and dress because they, you know, work for a living, as well as American tourists.

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A responsible end

Today, the 11th anniversary of the arrival of the first illegally detained prisoner at Guantanamo, Obama met with Hamid Karzai. He took the opportunity to use the word responsible. A lot. “[by the end of 2014] Afghans will have full responsibility for their security, and this war will come to a responsible end.” “a responsible drawdown”. “And next year, this long war will come to a responsible end.” “a responsible plan”, “a responsible Afghan government” etc.

Where can I get me one of those hats?
UNFORTUNATELY, BY “AFGHAN FORCES,” I MEAN THE TALIBAN: “soon nearly 90 percent of Afghans will live in areas where Afghan forces are in the lead for their own security.”

“WITHIN REACH” IS THE NEW “LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL”: “With the devastating blows we’ve struck against al Qaeda, our core objective -- the reason we went to war in the first place -- is now within reach: ensuring that al Qaeda can never again use Afghanistan to launch attacks against our country.”

MORE SECURE – WE’RE TOTALLY WINNING THIS WEAKEST AND MOST VAGUE OF METRICS: “Today, most major cities -- and most Afghans -- are more secure, and insurgents have continued to lose territory.”

SEE? AFGHANS ARE DYING, SO IT WAS ALL TOTALLY WORTH IT: “And of all the men and women in uniform in Afghanistan, the vast majority are Afghans who are fighting and dying for their country every day.”

A DIFFERENT MISSION: “Starting this spring, our troops will have a different mission -- training, advising, assisting Afghan forces.”

AND NOTHING SAYS RESPECT FOR AFGHAN SOVEREIGNTY LIKE HEAVILY ARMED FOREIGN TROOPS WITH FULL IMMUNITY FROM AFGHAN LAWS: “Our teams continue to work toward a security agreement. And as they do, they will be guided by our respect for Afghan sovereignty”.

The talks with the Afghan government are about how many American troops will remain after 2014 and on the continuation of “targeted counterterrorism missions against al Qaeda and its affiliates,” in case you thought Obama actually planned to end this war two years from now.

DOES ANYONE KNOW THE EXACT DATE ON WHICH OBAMA GAVE UP EVEN PRETENDING THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DEFEAT THE TALIBAN? “So we recommitted our nations to a reconciliation process between the Afghan government and the Taliban.”

I GUESS THE AFGHAN PEOPLE’S SACRIFICES ARE SIGNIFICANT BUT NOT TREMENDOUS: “Our forces continue to serve and make tremendous sacrifices every day. The Afghan people make significant sacrifices every day.”

Then Karzai spoke. He said the talks have made progress on issues of Afghan sovereignty, which he seems to define largely in terms of getting hold of the detainees currently held by the American military, an issue that for some reason Obama failed to mention.

He did mention the “hope” that he’ll be conducting “a free and fair election” some time, “without interference.”

I notice both Obama and Karzai refer to the war as having lasted 10 years, when it has in fact been more than 11.

WHAT HE’LL BE BRINGING BACK TO AFGHANISTAN: “I’ll be going back to Afghanistan this evening to bring to the Afghan people the news of Afghanistan standing shoulder to shoulder with America as a sovereign, independent country, but in cooperation and in partnership.”

Q&A time.

BECAUSE NOTHING PROMOTES FEELINGS OF COMFORT LIKE MASSIVELY ARMED FOREIGN SOLDIERS: Obama: “If we have a follow-on force of any sort past 2014, it has to be at the invitation of the Afghan government and they have to feel comfortable with it.”

PROTECTED: Obama on immunity for US troops in Afghanistan: “That’s how I, as Commander-in-Chief, can make sure that our folks are protected in carrying out very difficult missions.” Protected from what? The consequences of their actions?

Oddly, Karzai expressed complete lack of interest in the number of American troops that will remain in Afghanistan in 2015 and beyond: “That’s not for us to decide. It’s an issue for the United States. Numbers are not going to make a difference to the situation in Afghanistan.”

Has it all been worth it? Obama says absolutely: “we achieved our central goal, which is -- or have come very close to achieving our central goal -- which is to de-capacitate al Qaeda; to dismantle them; to make sure that they can’t attack us again. And everything that we’ve done over the last 10 years from the perspective of the U.S. national security interests have been focused on that aim.” Everything? Everything???

THE POSSIBILITY: Indeed, “there’s no doubt that the possibility of peace and prosperity in Afghanistan today is higher than before we went in.” Way to set the bar really, really high.

THE BEST OF SCENARIOS: “have we achieved everything that some might have imagined us achieving in the best of scenarios? Probably not. This is a human enterprise and you fall short of the ideal. Did we achieve our central goal, and have we been able I think to shape a strong relationship with a responsible Afghan government that is willing to cooperate with us to make sure that it is not a launching pad for future attacks against the United States? We have achieved that goal. We are in the process of achieving that goal.” It’s all about the process.

An Afghan reporter asks what protections women have that they won’t be screwed by the “reconciliation” process. Obama says it’s not up to us, and “The Afghan constitution protects the rights of Afghan women.” Of course it does.

No, really, where can I get me one of those hats?

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Today -100: January 11, 1913: Progress!

Booker T. Washington (in a letter to the NYT) says that the attitude in the South, including among newspapers and governors who aren’t Coleman Blease, is turning against lynching. He notes that there were only 64 lynchings last year.

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Today -100: January 10, 1913: Of hats and tough border crossings

The latest in Paris fashion: Futurist hats.

Russia announces that it will shoot down any airplanes or balloons that cross its border.

Evidently Bulgaria bribed Romania into being neutral in the Balkan War by promising to give it some of its own territory, including the port city of Silistria. Romania now wants Bulgaria to cough up and is threatening to send in its army to occupy that land.

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Happy birthday,

Dicky Trick!

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Today -100: January 9, 1913: Of duels

The president of the lower house of the Hungarian Parliament, Count István Tisza, fights his second duel of the year, with Count Aladar Széchényi, who shook hands with him at a club but the next day wrote him a note saying that it had been kind of dark and he wouldn’t have shaken hands with him if he’d recognized him. So, duel. With cavalry sabers. Tisza slashes Széchényi on the head. Next duel tomorrow.

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Today -100: January 8, 1913: Forbidding wars

Headline of the Day -100: “Powers Forbid Renewal of War.” Who knew they could do that? (Spoiler Alert: they couldn’t.)

Germany may help fight the inequality of Jews in Russia. Because if Germany believes in anything, it’s equality for Jews. Okay, it’s actually because German medical students are annoyed at the number of Russian Jews forced to attend German universities because of the quota system in Russia (Jews can practice medicine in Russia, but only a few can study medicine).

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Today -100: January 7, 1913: Of negotiations

The Balkan War peace negotiations have been suspended after Turkey refused the allies’ demands, which were for it to give up all the land it has lost and then some. Turkey is not willing to surrender Adrianople. What’s surprising to me is how public all the negotiating is.

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Today -100: January 6, 1913: Of aroostooks

Aroostook County, Maine, which the LA Times describes as the world’s greatest potato center, wants to split from Maine and become a state (Wikipedia says this was mentioned in the state legislature again in 2005.)

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Today -100: January 5, 1913: Nick picked

The Idaho Supreme Court does indeed fine and jail (for 10 days) for contempt the publisher and two editors of the Capital News, simply for reporting Theodore Roosevelt’s remarks criticizing the Court’s ruling keeping him off the ballot. Roosevelt says this proves the need for the power to recall judges.

The British Medical Association’s attempt to get doctors to boycott the national insurance program, or at least extort higher fees out of it, has failed, as 10,000+ doctors sign up.

Rumor has it (correctly) that Taft will name Nicholas Murray Butler as his running mate for 1912. That is, the guy who will share in his humiliation next week and receive the 8 Electoral College votes won by Taft (Vice President Sherman died the week before the election). Butler, 50, has been president of Columbia University since 1901 (and will be until 1945), where he is perhaps best remembered for his efforts to restrict the number of Jews admitted. He won a Nobel Peace Prize in 1931 for his work as president of the Carnegie Endowment, and from his position on the Pulitzer committee he prevented Hemingway being awarded the Pulitzer Prize for For Whom the Bell Tolls, which he found offensive. In 1920 he ran for the Republican presidential nomination under the slogan “Pick Nick as President for a Picnic in November,” but Harding stole his pic-a-nic basket. Dude had a PhD in philosophy and the slogan he chose was “Pick Nick as President for a Picnic in November.”

Headline of the Day -100: “Badger in Command of Atlantic Fleet.” Sounds like the name of a crappy children’s book, but in fact refers to Rear Admiral Charles J. Badger.

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Today -100: January 4, 1913: Of unions, insane congressmen, kinetophones, notaries public, and dandelions

Two of the trade unionists recently convicted of dynamite offenses are re-elected to their union posts (ironworkers, I think).

Two Congressional deaths this week: Ark. Sen. (and former Gov.) Jefferson Davis (no relation, although if you thought there was, he wouldn’t go far out of his way to correct you), a big fan of lynching, dies of apoplexy, and William Wedemeyer (R-Mich.), who lost his bid for re-election, goes insane on a trip to Panama, jumps off the steamship which was taking him back to a nice padded room in the states, and drowns.

Thomas Edison invents the Kinetophone, a phonograph record (cylinder) synched with a moving picture (it will prove unsatisfactory, and Edison will drop it when a warehouse fire destroys most of the recordings).

South Carolina Gov. Coleman Blease conducts a little purge, revoking the commissions of many notaries public who are opposed to him politically or who, he claims, wagered on the 1912 Democratic primary.

Headline of the Day -100: “Rockefeller Picks Dandelions.”

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Today -100: January 3, 1913: Of figurative and literal duels

The new NY Governor William Sulzer says that he and not Boss Murphy of Tammany is the leader of the Democrats in New York State. Good luck with that, Bill.

The president of the lower house of the Hungarian Parliament, Count István Tisza (a former and future prime minister), and the opposition leader (and future prime minister and president) Count Mihály Károlyi, fight a duel, after Károlyi refused to shake Tisza’s hand. In the duel, Tisza wounds Károlyi’s arm with his sword.

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Today -100: January 2, 1913: Of home rule, dumb princes, football riots, serfs, and minstrel jokes

Debate continues in the British Parliament on the Irish Home Rule Bill. Sir Edward Carson proposes an amendment to exclude Ulster. Prime Minister Asquith says no, and asks what would it take to prevent civil war in Ireland – another general election, a referendum? Opposition leader Bonar Law says if a referendum for home rule were passed, he would not encourage Ulster to resist, but without it, he would encourage resistance. Winston Churchill pointedly asks if he’s encouraging resistance now, and all parliamentary hell breaks loose, as was the custom. Bonar Law says that Ulster would sooner accept rule by a foreign power than by Dublin. Churchill “suggest[s] that Germany would meet the wishes of the Ulstermen”; more hell breaks loose. Bonar Law says that if the Home Rule Bill passes, “Let there be a rebellion, and I will assist.” Carson’s Ulster-exclusion amendment loses 294-197.

Prince Albert (the future King George VI) comes in 64th out of 65 naval cadets in his exams.

France has its very first football riot. The French team lost to the Scottish team 21-3 but evidently it was all the refs’ fault.

Russia abolishes serfdom. I thought they’d done that 50 years before, but evidently they exempted the Caucasus until now.

A holiday treat at San Quentin Prison: minstrel jokes. I don’t recall seeing that episode of “Oz.”

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Today -100: January 1, 1913: Of woman-like women’s suffragists, foreclosing on China, censorship, and scared empresses

The suffragist pilgrims who walked from New York City to Albany meet NY Governor-elect Sulzer, who pledges his complete support for women’s suffrage in New York. Reading their message, he informs them that his name is not William L. Sulzer, “it’s plain Bill Sulzer,” leading the NYT to report, not at all snidely, “‘I know his name is William L.,’ afterward persisted Gen. [Rosalie] Jones, woman-like.”

Headline of the Day -100: “Russian Threat to Foreclose on China.” China defaults on its indemnity to the six Powers (I think for the death of foreigners during the Boxer Rebellion). Russia is thinking about seizing, say, Manchuria, as collateral.

NYC Mayor William Gaynor vetoes an ordinance introducing censorship of the movies (by censors appointed by the Board of Education). He thinks it’s unnecessary because people simply wouldn’t go to immoral, obscene movies. What do the would-be censors think this is, he asks, Russia?

As of today, the US post office handles parcels (up to 11 pounds) as well as letters. In the next few days the NYT will be full of stories of people sending things through the parcel post they’re not supposed to be sending through the parcel post –- like opossums.

Imperial Headline of the Day -100: “Airship Scared Empress.” Someone dropped a wreath on the Potsdam palace on her birthday. In future, German airmen are requested not to fly over castles.

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Obama and the Fiscal Cliff of Doom

Obama made a little speech today about the fiscal cliff. I’m not going to analyze that speech, because I have better things to do on New Year’s Eve (for example: pretending that I have better things to do on New Year’s Eve), I just want to note that he brought out a bunch of “middle-class Americans” as props, just in case you didn’t know what middle-class Americans look like. Did you know that “wealthy individuals, the biggest corporations... take advantage of loopholes and deductions that aren’t available to most of the folks standing up here”? Look at them! LOOK AT THEM!

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Today -100: December 31, 1912: Guns don’t kill people, future Democratic presidential candidates kill people

12-year-old Adlai E. Stevenson II – grandson of Grover Cleveland’s Vice President, Democratic candidate for president in 1952 and 1956 – accidentally shoots and kills 16-year-old Ruth Merwin. He was demonstrating rifle drill to friends with what he thought was an unloaded rifle when it went off.

Editorial Headline of the Day -100: “Preachers Are Aroused.” They want the saloons in Chicago closed by the regular statutory hour of 1 a.m. on New Year’s.

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Today -100: December 30, 1912: Of promised lands

Dr. Max Nordau, president of the 10th Zionist Congress, suggests that if the Ottoman Empire is being divided up, maybe the Jews could get Palestine now? OKTHX.

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Do they have weapons?

Hateblogger Pamela Gellar sued the NY subway system to be allowed to put up this ad.

Am I the only one who can’t help thinking of this?

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Caption contest

Auditioning replacements for Lieberman in the “Three Amigos.”

“I’m having another ‘Nam flashback, right? RIGHT?”

“I eat the cookie and throw away the filling because I’m a FUCKING MAVERICK!”

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Today -100: December 29, 1912: Of depopulation and dynamite

The French government is forming a commission to investigate France’s stagnating birth rate. The president of the French League for Women’s Rights pointed out that of the 250 doctors, professors, government officials, writers etc appointed to the commission, none are actually, you know, women.

38 members of the International Association of Bridge and Structural Iron Workers are convicted of transporting dynamite (on trains, which is illegal) which was used in various labor disputes to... make a point. The Indiana jury was composed almost entirely of farmers. (No one got prison terms greater than four years and 6 received suspended sentences.)

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Today -100: December 28, 1912: How... festive

Famous children’s singer Kitty Cheatham gives a holiday performance, delighting her audience with songs and Negro stories.

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Today -100: December 27, 1912: A likely story

Panama denies that the explosion yesterday was an attempt to kill Taft. Rather, it was the result of a trade dispute between some Spaniards.

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Today -100: December 26, 1912: Of assassination attempts, disputed mountains, night riders, and cannibals

In a possible assassination attempt, dynamite explodes in a news stand in Panama City fifteen minutes after President Taft passed by it.

At the Balkan War peace talks, everyone’s a little concerned by the fact that Austria hasn’t demobilized its army, presumably as a way of putting pressure on Serbia and Montenegro not to demand too much new territory. But the Montenegrin negotiator says that Montenegro would rather be exterminated than yield Mount Lowehen or Scutari. I’m sure it’s a very nice mountain.

As I mentioned on the 17th, there is a movement in northern Georgia to ethnically cleanse all negroes from the region, supposedly because of “numerous attacks on white women” (numerous seems to mean three; one of the alleged perpetrators was lynched, the rest executed). The anti-negro campaign began two months ago in Forsyth County and spread to a dozen other counties. The threats made by “night riders” against negroes have expanded: white planters who still employ negroes are being threatened with having their barns and homes burned.

Headline of the Day -100: “Cannibals Fed Him Well.” South American tribesmen who were so nice to a journalist/adventurer that he panicked, decided they must be fattening him up for the pot, and “escaped.”

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Today -100: December 25, 1912: Of negro invasions and trousers

Headline of the Day -100: “Negro Invasion Planned.” Some wealthy negroes, including boxer Jack Johnson, have bought an estate at Lake Geneva, which the NYT says is only the first step in a fiendish scheme to invade “fashionable resorts of the white race, both North and South, in the guise of athletic and social clubs”.

Today -100, -100: “The lively discussion of the advisability of celebrating the 100th anniversary of the institution of trousers is worthy of a serious note of comment.” No, no it isn’t.

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Today -100: December 24, 1912: Of assassins and elephants

A bomb is thrown at the Viceroy of India, Lord Hardinge, while he was making his state entry into Delhi, the new capital of British India, riding an elephant because of course he was. He was injured, not seriously, and his wife’s okay, but the mahout (elephant driver, wrangler, whatever) was killed. And the elephant? Not a damn word on its condition.

The head of the US Navy’s aviation corps says that the leading nation in military aviation is... France.

Bavaria’s prince regent Ludwig says he doesn’t want to be named mad king.

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Comments

Fed up with the proliferating spam comments, I’ve instituted word verification, and if I can’t make out what those words are supposed to be, then neither can the spammers. Wait, what?

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Today -100: December 23, 1912: Of assassins

An anarchist chosen by lot to assassinate Italy’s King Victor Emmanuel instead tries to commit suicide. Since he didn’t manage to kill himself even by shooting himself in the head, I have to think the danger he posed to the king was never all that great.

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Today -100: December 22, 1912: Who makes war?

The London Times wonders why it is that Europe might head to a general war over the question of whether Serbia should get a port on the Adriatic. The people of Europe sure don’t want war, so “Who, then, makes war? The answer is to be found in the Chancelleries of Europe, among the men who have too long played with human lives as pawns in a game of chess, who have become so enmeshed in formulas and the jargon of diplomacy that they have ceased to be conscious of the poignant realities with which they trifle.”

Ah, the Sunday New York Times. I always enjoy reading the headlines of fashion articles without clicking through to the articles. Today: “Italian and Chinese Wars Have Affected Women’s Hats – May Not Be Able to Wear Milan and Straw.”

The Idaho Supreme Court asked the publisher of the Boise Capital News to tell it why he should not be jailed for contempt of court for printing Theodore Roosevelt’s comments on its decision keeping him off the November ballot (which was, legally speaking, a fairly ridiculous decision). The publisher said, “Um, the First Amendment?” The Court rejects that.

Headline of the Day -100: “Lynched for Unusual Crime.” In Norway, South Carolina, a man is lynched for obtaining money under false pretenses. An unusual crime to be lynched for, but the usual race.

Scientists quoted (but not named) in the LAT blame the Latin American propensity for rebellion and revolution on fleas, which disrupt slumber and make everyone cranky. “The scientists assert that no nation can be great whose sleep is broken into fitful snoozes.”

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Wayne LaPierre asks the hard questions

“Since when did the word ‘gun’ automatically become a bad word?”

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Today -100: December 21, 1912: Of mad kings

Bavaria has been part of a unified Germany for 40 years but still retains its own mad king. Now it plans to rewrite its constitution to dethrone Mad King Otto (to give him his full legal title) and replace him with a presumably less mad king, his cousin Ludwig, who recently took over as prince-regent after the death of the previous prince-regent, his father. Mad King Otto has been the mad king since the death of Mad King Ludwig II in 1886, although they haven’t let him out of the part of the palace with the bars on the windows in all that time and he may or may not actually know that he’s the mad king.

Does the fact that I really enjoyed typing “mad king” so many times make me a bad person?

Gov. Hunt of Arizona wants to abolish the state senate. He says it over-complicates things and anyway with the introduction of the referendum and initiative, the people themselves act in essence as the second house of the Legislature.

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Holy Joe is being sent to live on a farm upstate

John McCain made a statement on the floor of the Senate today about the retirement of Joe Lieberman. This was the first sentence: “Mr. President, one of the most overused quotes about Washington is Harry Truman’s observation that if you want a friend here, get a dog.” He then proceeded to talk about “a departing colleague whose friendship has been and will always be one of the great treasures of my life.” Who’s a good boy, Joe, who’s a good boy?

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Today -100: December 20, 1912: Of pardons, immigrants, women’s suffrage, and alphabets

President Taft pardons Capt. William Van Schaik, the captain of the paddle steamer General Slocum, which caught fire in the East River in 1904, killing over 1,000 people. He has already served his 3½ years for criminal negligence, but the pardon restores his citizenship rights.

The House passes a bill excluding illiterate immigrants over 16; it now goes to the Senate. The NYT notes that in 1910, this would have excluded 188,439 males and 65,130 females, mostly from southern Italy, and wonders how New York City would get its houses and subways built cheaply without them.

Michigan finally finishes counting its ballots, and women’s suffrage lost by 760 votes.

Suffragettes in Britain are now vandalizing phone boxes and possibly TARDISes.

The Chinese government will introduce a new alphabet, with 42 characters instead of 8,000.

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I’m willing to bet that they don’t think that using a gun and using common sense are incompatible ideas

Obama held a press conference today.

I GUESS WORDS DIDN’T NEED TO LEAD TO ACTION AFTER THE OTHER 8,000 MASSACRES: On gun control, “But this time, the words need to lead to action.”

DUDE, NOTHING IN THIS COUNTRY IS AS EASY AS GETTING ACCESS TO A GUN: “We’re going to need to work on making access to mental health care at least as easy as access to a gun.”

INSTEAD OF GLORIFYING GUNS AND VIOLENCE JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT: “We’re going to need to look more closely at a culture that all too often glorifies guns and violence.” I warned him about that “too.”

HE THINKS THAT WHAT A MAJORITY OF AMERICANS SUPPORT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, ISN’T THAT ADORABLE? “A majority of Americans support banning the sale of military-style assault weapons. A majority of Americans support banning the sale of high-capacity ammunition clips. A majority of Americans support laws requiring background checks before all gun purchases, so that criminals can’t take advantage of legal loopholes to buy a gun from somebody who won’t take the responsibility of doing a background check at all.”

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE: “Look, like the majority of Americans, I believe that the Second Amendment guarantees an individual right to bear arms.”

IF YOU HAVE A GUN, YOU DON’T NEED TO HAVE COMMON SENSE; THAT’S KIND OF THE POINT: “I’m willing to bet that they don’t think that using a gun and using common sense are incompatible ideas”.

Speaking of common sense, he says of Boehner and his merry men, “The fact that they haven’t taken [the deal] yet is puzzling”. Republicans still perplex Obama. “[T]he country deserves folks to be willing to compromise on behalf of the greater good, and not tangle themselves up in a whole bunch of ideological positions that don’t make much sense.” Unfortunately, I suspect he thinks that “not cutting Social Security” is also an ideological position that doesn’t make much sense. Certainly, that’s how he’s treating it in the negotiations.

OH GOOD, HE STILL THINKS REPUBLICAN CONGRESSCRITTERS MIGHT BE REASONABLE: “It may be that members of their caucus haven’t looked at exactly what we’ve proposed.” Well, they are very slow readers.

PERSPECTIVE: “But, goodness, if this past week has done anything, it should just give us some perspective. If there’s one thing we should have after this week, it should be a sense of perspective about what’s important.” This is kind of unpleasant: there are many reasons Republicans should stop being assholes about the deficit, but Newtown isn’t one of them.

SOMETIMES I THINK HE’D ACCOMPLISH MORE IF HE DIDN’T HAVE SO MUCH MISPLACED “CONFIDENCE” IN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: “And the idea that we would say this is terrible, this is a tragedy, never again, and we don’t have the sustained attention span to be able to get this done over the next several months doesn’t make sense. I have more confidence in the American people than that.”

DUDE, SELF-REFLECTION IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE ASSAULT RIFLES.“Well, the NRA is an organization that has members who are mothers and fathers. ... And hopefully they’ll do some self-reflection.”

Ah, he uses the phrase “gun safety,” and I realize that he didn’t use the term “gun control” even once. Safety, as in, “What we’re looking for here is a thoughtful approach that says we can preserve our Second Amendment, we can make sure that responsible gun owners are able to carry out their activities...” He makes it sound so dirty “...but that we’re going to actually be serious about the safety side of this”.

Jake Tapper asks where the hell he’s been the last four years (we could add his years in the Senate to that), and Obama says “Well, here’s where I’ve been, Jake. I’ve been president of the United States dealing with the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, an auto industry on the verge of collapse, two wars. I don’t think I’ve been on vacation.” What the hell is that snotty answer supposed to mean? I’m president but I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time? I had bigger priorities than preventing kindergarteners being massacred? I was unable to foresee, for example by observing the many similar events in the past, that this could happen? Okay, there’s no good answer for his inactivity but this answer’s haughtiness is misplaced. He may not be responsible for the Newtown massacre, but he sure as hell didn’t work to put any measures in place that might have prevented it.

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Things that Robert Bork thought are not unconstitutional

Restaurants, hotels etc excluding blacks (he called it a “departure from the freedom of the individual to decide with whom he will deal”).

Racially restrictive covenants in property deeds.

Banning gay sex: “We would find it impossible to conclude that a right to homosexual conduct is ‘fundamental’ or ‘implicit in the concept of ordered liberty’ unless any and all private sexual behavior falls within those categories, a conclusion we are unwilling to draw.” Indeed, the right of the majority to legislate morality is “the very predicate of democratic government”.

Banning married people buying contraceptives.

Regulating artistic speech (he thought the 1st Amendment mostly just applied to political speech).

Prosecuting people (Martin Luther King Jr comes to mind) advocating violating the law.

Prosecuting flag-burners.

Involuntary sterilization of inmates.

A chemical company ordering its female employees to get sterilized.

The president ordering wiretaps without a warrant.

The president excluding foreigners from the country.

Applying the 14th Amendment to anything other than race: “The bare concept of equality provides no guide for courts. All law discriminates and therefore creates inequality.”

For example, the establishment of different drinking ages for men and women.

Poll taxes.

Oh, and banning abortion, of course.

And he only got worse after his nomination to the Supreme Court was rejected in 1987. I wrote in 2005, “Bork is living proof that one can also be driven mad by lack of power.”

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Today -100: December 19, 1912: Of tuberculosis incubators and wirelesses

South Carolina Gov. Coleman Blease says that if the state penitentiary’s hosiery mill, which he calls a “tuberculosis incubator,” isn’t shut down, he’ll resort to mass pardons.

A Marconi wireless operator on a ship overhears a conversation which is part of a test of “wireless telephones” between Catalina Island and the mainland. He even heard a record playing in the background. Say, do you think there’s some sort of use for this ability to transmit voices and music over radio waves?

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Today -100: December 18, 1912: Of pilgrimages

Three (I think) women’s suffragists are engaged in a march, or pilgrimage, from New York City to Albany. If that doesn’t convince the Legislature, nothing will.

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Today -100: December 17, 1912: Of glaring, ethnic cleansing, and pardons

At the Balkan War peace negotiations under way in London, the allies demand that Turkey surrender Adrianople and other places by the end of the week or the war will resume. (LAT headline: “Peace Delegates Meet, Glare At One Another.”)

Whites in northern Georgia are driving blacks out of the region through terror, as was the custom. “So many negroes have fled that the wives and daughters of prominent planters are forced to cook, wash clothes and do other manual labor.”

Arkansas’s outgoing Gov. George Donaghey will pardon 360 prisoners, because of his opposition to the practice of convicts being leased out as laborers to contractors. He couldn’t get the legislature to abolish the practice, so he’s going to empty out the convict camps this way. (The Legislature will abolish the practice in February).

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Today -100: December 16, 1912: Of whooping emperors and dashed airmen

Headline of the Day -100: “Emperor Has Whooping Cough.” China’s (former) emperor.

Dashing Headline of the Day -100: “Two British Airmen Dashed to Death.” You just never hear of anyone being dashed to death anymore.

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The more realistic discussion

Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Mich.) comes out against gun control following the Newtown shootings: “That’s certainly the lowest common denominator. What is the more realistic discussion is, how do we target people with mental illness who use firearms?”

Rep. Rogers has bravely come out in favor of doing something about people who massacre children AFTER they massacre children.

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Today -100: December 15, 1912: Of elephant paté and other stuff

The Terra Nova sails to the South Pole to pick up Capt. Scott’s expedition or, you know, not.

Parisian restaurants do love their novelties, but this year’s speciality, elephant paté, is the result of the showman who owned an elephant named Agra having him killed after he got out of his cage and ran amok in Paris on several occasions. The NYT says “The paté is said to have a delicious flavor, but its digestive qualities are not insisted on, and this suggested that Agra’s devastating influence may not have ceased with death.”

A public hearing will discuss whether NYC and New Jersey should be connected by a tunnel or by a bridge.

Titanic Butt Headline of the Day -100: “Painting for Butt Fund.” Oh how we’ve missed you, Titanic Butt headlines.

A federal judge has ordered the release of Mexican Gen. David de la Fuente and Col. Pasqual Orozco, Sr. The latter is, I assume, the father of the leader of the short-lived Orozco Rebellion of earlier this year, who is himself currently hiding out somewhere in the US. The Taft administration had claimed power to order them detained without trial to prevent violations of the Neutrality Acts, but the judge disagreed.

The Mexican military has been leaving dead rebels hanging from trees. Someone counted 60 on the road between Los Cruces and Tomasoaltepect yesterday.

Name of the Day -100: Cornelius Amory Pugsley, a banker who NY bankers think should be Wilson’s treasury secretary, presumably because he has the bankerest name ever.

Kaiser Wilhelm has a movie theater installed in the Potsdam Palace. What movies does he like to see? Newsreels of himself.

Headline of the Day -100: “Four Devoured By Wolves.” Four hapless villagers are killed by wolves in Portugal, as was the custom.

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Regardless of the politics

Obama reacts to the old story repeated in Newtown: “each time I learn the news I react not as a President, but as anybody else would -- as a parent.” Well, it’s certainly true that he has yet to actually react as a president, which I believe is his fucking job.

(Okay, I have to interrupt here to suggest that Obama badly needs to purge his vocabulary of the word “too.” Just in this statement are these insanely inappropriate too’s: “We’ve endured too many of these tragedies”; “their children’s innocence has been torn away from them too early”; “As a country, we have been through this too many times.”)

“And we’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics.” The only meaningful action he specifically says he will be taking is hugging his children. Regardless of the politics.

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What we really need in this country

is better mental health care. Start with the Supreme Court justices who said there’s an individual right to guns.

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The purging of the Lieberdouches

Holy Joe Lieberman: gone.

Unholy Avigdor Lieberman: gone.

Let us never speak of them again.

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Today -100: December 14, 1912: Of flying white slavers

Headline of the Day -100: “White Slavers Fly London.” In fear of the just-passed White Slave Traffic Act, which includes a provision for flogging on a second conviction.

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Today -100: December 13, 1912: Also, shame-eating. Lots of shame-eating.

President Taft lays out his post-presidential plans: he’ll take up a professorship of law at Yale next fall, and then go on a year-long around-the-world tour.

Rep. Charles Calvin Bowman (R-PA) is declared unseated by the House due to corrupt practices in his election in 1910 (anyway, he was defeated in the 1912 election). But the House refuses a motion to give the seat for the remainder of the 62nd Congress to his Democratic opponent in the 1910 election, who evidently did the same things.

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Woof

The House of Lords voted to decriminalize the use of “insulting” language.

My two favorite bits in the Guardian story:

1) For delightful British absurdity:

Kyle Little, a 16-year-old from Newcastle, was fined £50 with £150 costs for saying “woof” to a labrador dog in front of police officers.

The conviction was quashed.

2) Because I am a child:

“Section five is a useful and important tool to respond to and prevent deeply offensive homophobic language frequently targeted at one in eight gay people a year” said Sam Dick, head of policy [for gay-rights group Stonewall].

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Today -100: December 12, 1912: Of miscegenation and juries

On the House floor, Rep. Seaborn Roddenbery (D-Georgia) denounces the marriage of black boxer Jack Johnson to a white woman, and proposes a Constitutional amendment banning interracial marriages. He opposes the legal ability of “a brown-hued, black-skinned, thick-lipped, brutal-hearted African” to “walk into an office of the law and demand an edict guaranteeing him legal wedlock to a white woman.” He says a Southern girl would sooner commit suicide than marry a negro.

Here’s the kind of funny part: his lengthy diatribe prevented a bill coming to a vote requiring a literacy test for some immigrants.

Oregon’s attorney general decides that last month’s victory for women’s suffrage does not entitle women to sit on juries.

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Today -100: December 11, 1912: Of premature presidential picks

The National Progressive Party conference in Chicago nominates Theodore Roosevelt for president for 1916.

President Taft will be going down to tour the Panama Canal zone, but what was the object spotted being moved from Taft’s personal yacht to the battleship Arkansas, the ship that will take him to Panama? If you guessed “jumbo bathtub,” you guessed correctly.

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Today -100: December 10, 1912: Of armistices, blind congresscritters, and no peace

Theodore Roosevelt gives his first speech since the election, promising that the Bull Moosers will continue fighting the Republican Party, an “organization of such a character that no honest man can be in it.” He refuses to say if he’ll run for president in 1916.

The armistice didn’t last long: Montenegrin and Turkish forces are fighting again.

In addition to blind Sen. Gore, the 63rd Congress will have blind Rep. Sanford Kirkpatrick (D-Iowa), a Civil War vet whose eyes were, in his words, “almost literally shot out by moonshiners” in 1890 when he was a Revenooer in North Carolina.

The Nobel committee says no one deserves a Peace Prize this year.

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Today -100: December 9, 1912: Of junket, dead aviators, socialist peers, and Smocks

President Taft offers Woodrow Wilson the use of a warship if he wants to visit the Panama Canal before being sworn in. Wilson doesn’t want.

An aviator, Dr. Jules Constantin, died while dropping bombs on Turks for the Bulgarian army, shot by a rifle.

Britain gets its first socialist member of the House of Lords, the 2nd Earl Russell (the philosopher Bertrand Russell’s brother). In 1901 Russell was tried (by the House of Lords, as lords were tried in those days, jury of your peers you know) for bigamy, since English law didn’t recognize his Reno divorce.

Name of the Day -100: a committee member of the Bull Moose Party in Idaho: P. Monroe Smock. A newspaper in Idaho is being prosecuted for printing remarks made by Roosevelt in a campaign speech criticizing an Idaho Supreme Court decision keeping Bull Moose Party electors off the state ballot.

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Today -100: December 8, 1912: A higher law than the Constitution

Interviewed by the NYT, South Carolina Gov. Coleman Blease says he was misrepresented (but not misquoted) regarding his “To hell with the Constitution” line. “[W]here black men commit crimes against white women, and are lynched for it, I declare Constitutions do not apply. For that, there is a higher law than the Constitution.”

The Triple Alliance between Germany, Austria and Italy is renewed.

Finally, an explanation of Greece’s failure to join the armistice that makes sense to me: it was pre-arranged with the other 3 Balkan League states that Greece would stay out so it could continue to enforce a naval blockade of Turkey (as well as snarf up some islands it wants).

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