The knickers saved the day

Iowa voters are caucusing, or Iowa caucusers are voting, or something, but one thing is sure: whatever the results, the corn abides.

Also, no one has to pay attention to Iowa again for four years.

Okay, am I the only one who saw the headline “China Ships Food Aid to Zimbabwe” (BBC) and thought, but an hour later you feel like you need food aid again?

Speaking of obvious straight lines, China is planning to change its method of execution from shooting to forcing the prisoner to suck on toys made for export to the United Stateslethal injection.

Best line about the Tatiana the Tiger incident, from Jon Carroll: “Here’s a rule of thumb: If it’s burning bright in the forests of the night, best not to throw rocks at it.”

Headline of the day: “Giant Knickers Put out House Fire.” I have refrained from including a photo of the somewhat scorched hero knickers (heroine knickers, I guess). Said the proud owner of the garment in question, “My family could have been in hospital but the knickers saved the day.”

Not quite the headlines of the day, but here are two successive AP headlines: 1) “Importance of Teaching Evolution Noted.” 2) “Man Using GPS Drives in Front of Train.” Here endeth the lesson.

The story after that is “Unemployed to Sterilize Monkeys in India.”

A people perverted

Giuliani’s latest fear-mongering ad may be the fear-mongeringest yet:



“A people perverted”?

As I was watching Mike Huckabee on Jay Leno, I suddenly wondered if watching Leno meant I was crossing a picket line like Huckabee (who does like his crosses). The Huckster claimed to have been under the impression that Leno had made the deal with the writers’ union that in fact Letterman’s production company made. Appropriately, then, the Huck plagiarized an old line of Jon Stewart’s, saying he wanted to remind people of the guy they work with rather than the guy who laid them off (Stewart said in 1999 that the Republican House managers of the Clinton impeachment looked like every guy who ever fired his dad).

The Huck said that when he was a minister he saw every single “social pathology,” so they were not abstract to him and he could put a name and face to each one. However he was evidently applying terms like “social pathology” to his parishioners.

Speaking of social pathologies, he said that if he had run that attack ad, he would have felt like he needed to take a shower, and then I swear said something about wanting to give Romney a shower.

He explained that his “Fair Tax” would be applied to drug deals and prostitution, thus ending the black economy overnight.

Well, that’s what he said.

I guess he can not only put a name and face to every social pathology, but also a sales tax of 23%.

Love at first sight:

Caption contest: Why is this man grimacing?

Reuters caption: “U.S. President George W. Bush (R) grimaces while stepping off the Marine One helicopter as he and first lady Laura Bush (2nd R) return from a holiday visit in Texas to the White House in Washington, January 1, 2008.”

Wherein is revealed the primary agent of peace

The pope says recognizing non-“traditional” families will lead to war. “The family is the primary agent of peace,” he said. And haven’t they done a great job so far? Really, thousands of years of patriarchal heterosexual families = thousands of years of peace and harmony. The family, he said, is “the first and irreplaceable educator of peace.” Dude, have you ever actually met a family?

If people want to be cynical about it, they’ll be cynical about it

Sgt Frank Wuterich, leader of the squad that carried out the Haditha Massacre, who both ordered the massacre and participated in it (see previous posts on Wuterich here and here, and all Haditha posts here) will be charged with manslaughter but not murder. 24 innocent civilians murdered, no one charged with murder.

Mike Huckabee, as you probably know, held a press conference today to unveil his “negative attack” ads against Romney (“No executions”, “Supported gun control”), but instead he announced that the ads, which he showed to the assembled reporters, would not run. Unless they do: an email he then sent out (which included the phrase I just quoted, “negative attack”), noted, “If it was run at all, it would be until the stations pulled it off their schedules.” So that’s all right then.

The ad ended, “If a man’s dishonest trying to get the job, he’ll be dishonest on the job.” And if a man’s a pious hypocrite trying to get the job... Asked if his showing the ad at the presser might spark cynicism, the Huck said, “If people want to be cynical about it, they’ll be cynical about it.”

Is that true?

more at twiigs.com...

No, there is no option for not being cynical about it. I mean, there is just... no... option.

Huckabee is presenting this as yet another of those tales of temptation and redemption those Baptists love so much: “I believe that Americans aren’t interested in politics that divide us, they want their leaders to focus on what will lift them up and make things better. I almost forgot that today in the face of the withering barrage of criticism we have endured over the last few weeks from my rivals. I say almost, because our negative ad won’t run.” Unless it does.

By the way, one of those things that will lift us up and make things better: banning abortion, the subject of another ad which he did start running today.

With Jesus and Truckers magazine behind him, Huckabee can’t lose

Daily Telegraph headline: “Bhutto’s Son Given Key Role in Party.” The keys to Dad’s Jaguar? Maybe when you’re older, son.

Bhutto the Younger running the Pakistani opposition from his punt on the Cherwell reminds me of a story about the one-time master of Magdalen College, Oxford, greeting a new pupil who happened to be the imperial prince of Japan. He asked what his name, Prince Chichibou, actually meant. “The Son of God,” Chichi said. Warren replied, “Of course you’ll find we have the sons of many famous men here at Magdalen.”

Mike Huckabee went on Meet the Press this morning. He bragged about his accomplishments in Arkansas: “And I left my roads in great shape, took them from the worst in the country to what Truckers magazine said were the most improved.”

Russert brought up an old speech to the Southern Baptist Convention in which the Huckster called for “tak[ing] this nation back for Christ” and asked where that leaves non-Christians. Huckabee: “Oh, it leaves them right in the middle of America.” Surrounded by an electrified barbed-wire fence.

He stood by his old statements that homosexuality is a “sinful lifestyle,” explaining, “when a Christian speaks of sin, a Christian says all of us are sinners. I’m a sinner, everybody’s a sinner. What one’s sin is, means it’s missing the mark. It’s missing the bull’s eye, the perfect point,” adding, “The vagina, it’s missing the vagina. There, you made me say it, Russert, are you happy now? Are you happy?”

He said that gays may or may not be born “that way,” but “the behavior one practices is a choice. We may have certain tendencies, but how we behave and how we carry out our behavior––”, at which point he gulped and abruptly changed the subject.

He claimed that as governor he never tried to legislate his beliefs. But what about his attempts to ban abortion? Huckabee: “Well, that’s not just because I’m a Christian, that’s because I’m an American.” So that’s okay then. “It’s not a faith belief. It’s deeper than that. It’s a human belief. ... If I believe that your intrinsic worth is not changed by your ancestry, your last name, by your IQ, by your abilities or disabilities, if I value your life and respect it with dignity and worth because it is human, then that’s what draws me to the inescapable conclusion that I should be for the sanctity of every and each human life. ... I like it that in this country we treat each other--at least we should--with that sense of equality.” Would he send women who have abortions to prison? No: “I consider her a victim, not a, not a criminal.” So much for that sense of equality.

The best revenge

After inheriting the leadership of the Pakistan People’s (As Long As Those People Are Named Bhutto) Party, Benazir Bhutto’s 19-year-old son, Oxford student Bilawal told reporters, “My mother always said democracy is the best revenge.” In response to a question, he answered, “Why no, I haven’t studied Irony yet, I believe that course is offered next term.” He will also be studying the History of Feudalism, which he says “will come in jolly handy.” He is anxious to return to his “chums” at Oxford. “They call me ‘the Paki Harry Potter.’ Most amusing!”


(If it’s not clear, the “best revenge” quote is real, the others not so much.)

See Dave Barry’s review of 2007, “a year that strode boldly into the stall of human events and took a wide stance astride the porcelain bowl of history.”

Okay, maybe not that unexpected

Bill Clinton, campaigning for Hillary: “You have to have a leader who is strong and commanding and convincing enough ... to deal with the unexpected.” He added, “For example, when I got caught with Monica....”

What, like I’m the only one thinking it?

A healthy democracy

The London Times reports, under the subtle headline “Putin’s Babes Sex Up Duma,” that Putin has decreed that the United Russia party needs more of the aforementioned babes as candidates for the Duma, especially young former athletes who have posed for men’s magazines naked and/or semi-naked. But did the Times provide any pictures? It did not.

Politicizing this tragedy

Bush on New Year’s: “This weekend is a good time to give thanks for our blessings -- and to resolve to do better in the coming year.” Bush could spend all of 2008 lighting his farts and still do better than in any other year of his life.

Speaking of setting the bar unbelievably low, I’ve got another entry in the game of Gotcha against Huckabee: yesterday on McNeil-Lehrer I heard him refer to Benazir Bhutto as a candidate to be president of Pakistan.

But then Hillary Clinton, asked by Wolf Blitzer whether Musharraf should resign, said, “If President Musharraf wishes to stand for election, then he should abide by the same rules that every other candidate will have to follow.” Er, Hills, he was “re-elected” in October, until 2012. That’s kind of what all that fuss was about, with the fired supreme court justices and the state of emergency, remember?

Blitzer asked Hillary about Obama’s questioning of her judgment and thus her credentials for dealing with crises like this (and by the way, Obama gives the impression of reflexively opposing anything Hillary says, as when he argued against her call for an international investigation of the Bhutto assassination, saying, “It is important to us to not give the idea that Pakistan is unable to handle its own affairs.”). She said Obama is “politicizing this tragedy,” whereas she of course is “focused on extending my sympathy to Benazir Bhutto’s family.” Through a CNN-O-Gram.

Let me express my sorrow that Benazir is dead,
By speaking live on satellite with a talking head.

Let’s see, what rhymes with Blitzer...?

Courage and common sense

An email from Moldy Joe Lieberman today asked for donations to McCain, saying, “When others were silent, and it was thought politically unpopular, John had the courage and common sense to sound the alarm about the mistakes we were making in Iraq and to call for more troops and a new strategy there.” 1) No one likes an I-told-you-so. 2) McCain didn’t tell us so, at least not in the, you know, real world. 3) Lieberman certainly didn’t tell us so, claiming over and over that everything was going swimmingly in the quagmire, so he should really be asked if he lacked the courage and common sense he claims McCain had.

Mike Huckabee says our response to the situation in Pakistan should be to “have an immediate, very clear monitoring of our border, and particularly to make sure, if there’s any unusual activity of Pakistanis coming into the country.” In fact, he’s calling for a fence to be built along the US-Pakistan border.


(I originally made that joke in a comment on Left I, before hearing that the Huck thinks Afghanistan is to the east of Pakistan.)

Scene from a New Zealand-Bangladesh cricket match.

Benazir Bhutto assassination

Wonkette has a gallery of photos of Benazir Bhutto’s rally, before and after the assassination. Not for the weak of stomach. I couldn’t spot a single woman other than Bhutto in any of the pictures: not at the rally, among the dead, or in the mourning crowds.

When he put her under house arrest last month, Musharraf said it was because of threats against her by a foreign intelligence agency. He should now be asked to be a little more specific.

Heard some of Musharraf’s statement pretending to feel sad about Bhutto’s death. Not for the weak of stomach.

Bush’s statement was his usual one-size-fits-all one about “murderous extremists” trying to “undermine Pakistan’s democracy” (which does not exist), of the need to bring the perpetrators to justice (which does not exist, with the lawyers in jail and any even slightly independent judges fired), of the need “to honor Benazir Bhutto’s memory by continuing with the democratic process,” by which he presumably means the elections Musharraf intends to rig after banning his opponents from running. Bhutto, Bush said, “refused to allow assassins to dictate the course of her country.” Um, George, what do you think just happened?

The culture of being outdoors

I’ve seen several headlines along the lines of “San Francisco Zoo Baffled by Tiger’s Escape.” Well, since they haven’t found any welding equipment, grappling hooks or lock picks, I’m going to venture a guess that Tatiana climbed and/or jumped out.

Amsterdam police are protesting a new rule that they not use cannabis whilst off-duty. Says the chairman of the police union, “Police should not be put in pigeonholes in which they can no longer be themselves.”

REACHING OUT TO REPUBLICAN VOTERS BY SHOOTING SOMETHING SMALL AND INOFFENSIVE: Mike Huckabee shot a pheasant in Iowa, saying, “Maybe it will show that I certainly understand the culture of being outdoors.”


The Huckster explained that it’s hunters who are the true conservationists. “It’s the hunters who actually keep the wildlife alive. A lot of people think that when you hunt you’re destroying the wildlife.”

REACHING OUT TO WOMEN VOTERS BY ASKING THEM TO PIPE DOWN, THERE’S A GAME ON, AND OH YEAH COULD YOU GET ME A BEER, HON?: Fred Thompson, asked about his abortion policy, turned naturally to... a football analogy: “We’re on the 10-yard line, and it’s like if we can’t score a touchdown on our own 10-yard line ... we won’t run a play that will take us to the other guy’s 20-yard line. I’m talking about doing something that can get done.” Which supposedly is meant to communicate something about restricting abortions at the state level. Then, “we can collect our marbles and see where we are then.”

Thompson also agreed with an Iowan bigot that hearing Spanish-language options when you call the power company is “sickening.” Also, having to press 1 for English leaves him plum tuckered out.

Preemption is not a pillar, it’s a means

Condi Rice gave a somewhat testy interview to Die Zeit. She took issue with the interviewer calling pre-emption one of the pillars of Bush’s foreign policy:

RICE: Well, first of all, preemption is not a pillar; it’s a means. It is --

Q: It’s a national security strategy.

RICE: It’s a national security means.

So that’s okay then.

She said that the reason so many Coalition of the Willing (COW) countries are pulling their troops out of Afghanistan and Iraq is that “many of [them] did not invest in their defense capacity for a long time.”

Somebody’s been hanging around Chimpy too long: “It’s as a component of peace, but also as a component of a moral responsibility of not to leave anybody living in tyranny if you can avoid it.”

She still claims that Hamas winning the Palestinian elections was a win for our side: “But you have a democratic government and a presidency that is the legitimate authority of the Palestinian people and you have Hamas unable to deliver and therefore stripped of some of the -- stripped of some of the romance of the resistance without responsibility.” So the Israeli blockade of Gaza = Hamas “unable” to deliver.

On Russian pressure against Star Wars being sited in Poland and the Czech Republic: “You know, when -- before Russia tells us what they think of a proposal, they go to the press. ... It’s pretty transparent. And so I think that -- I hope that they’ll reconsider their ways.” Elsewhere in the interview, she talked about Russia’s turn away from democratic values, but when it comes to diplomacy, here she is complaining about Russia being transparent and telling them to stop it.

Since I have been begged not to show any more scary pictures of Condi, I will illustrate this post instead with a charming picture of a chimp and his dog.

Yes, that is jolly belligerent

You know what I’m looking forward to? A BBC Radio 4 program
Wednesday on puns, by Stephen Fry.

A caption contest. The caption provided by the White House is: “President George W. Bush makes Christmas Eve telephone calls to members of the Armed Forces at Camp David, Monday, Dec. 24, 2007.” In case the poor writing confuses you, the members of the armed forces are not at Camp David, George is.


It’s been a long time since I posted personals from the London Review of Books, because for some reason only a few have been appearing on the LRB website lately. So if anyone’s looking for a date for New Year’s...

I begin each sexual performance with a tympani roll. I find it steadies the ship. Less than buoyant canal-boat dweller, amateur percussionist and bon viveur (M, 57) seeks not-easily intimidated woman to 55 with no small knowledge of crank-shaft engines, blue-note fades and behaviour-correcting medicines. Box no. 12/03

Some incidents in life are blacked-out for a reason. Much as I shudder to recall an incident at Dulwich in 1968 involving a goose, a penny whistle and the local priest, so you will probably twist in the wind whenever, in years to come, you’re forced to relate a tale about how you once replied to a personal advert in a flurry of mis-placed appreciation for what you regarded at the time as a heightened and sophisticated sense of irony. Man, 40. Hates geese. And priests. And whistling. Box no. 12/05

This advert is about as close I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no. 12/08

I have a mug that says ‘I’m the World’s Greatest Lover’. I think that’s my referees covered. How about you? Man. 37. Bishopsgate. Box no. 12/09

Belligerent from the word fuck. Sod off. Box no. 18/03

This advert may well be the Cadillac of all lonely hearts adverts, but its driver is the arthritic granddad with a catalogue of driving convictions. Arthritic granddad (67) with a catalogue of driving convictions including ‘Driving whilst trying to turn the dang wipers off’, ‘Driving whilst wondering if his urology appointment has come through’, and ‘Driving whilst “Hey! Isn’t that where your aunt Maude’s first husband lived after the divorce came through? He’s settled in Jersey now. I could never stand him – he used to do this thing with his teeth…”’ WLTM someone who knows how stop the oven timer from beeping. box no. 01/01

Don’t listen to your inner voice in matters of the heart! Especially if your inner voice tells you to check his outgoing message box for evidence of a wife or ask why he always needs to be on the last train to Stafford instead of just staying the night. It’s a simple rule, but it’s a rule that will give us many happy – if somewhat tawdry –experiences together. Man, 38. Not in the slightest bit married. Remember that. box no. 01/05

I stole the contents of this ad from a highly successful banker (M, 53, annual income £500k + benefits) currently appearing on Match.com. It’s funny because we honestly couldn’t be more different. Unless I was a woman. Or 12. Man. Older than 12 and not really a banker. box no. 01/06

To the guy with the wild grey hair and thin pony tail and bow-tie and white socks and chewed copy of Rimbaud and the lisp and excessive spittle and over-use of the word ‘platitudes’ and faint odour of taco meat who will no doubt reply to this advert much like he’s replied to every other advert I’ve ever placed in here: ‘eccentric’ is only a favourable adjective when it’s wrapped in an attractive package or earns over £200,000 a year and owns a holiday retreat in Tuscany. Other LRB-reading men should also note this. Replies from ‘normals’ or the stupidly rich only please to woman, 45, currently down to 37 seconds on her ‘tolerance of idiots’ metre. box no. 01/08

My last husband was a loser. If you’re not a loser please reply. Woman, 40. Incredibly simple criteria. box no. 01/09

[More of my LRB favorites here.]

Bad guys data

The most reassuring reassurance in the history of reassurances: FBI assistant director Thomas E. Bush III tells the BBC that innocent people have nothing to fear from the FBI’s planned new biometrics databank: “What we deal with is bad guys data”.

Marine Major Gen. Douglas Stone, who is in charge of American detention facilities in Iraq (we’ve met him before), is planning to contract out the “de-programming” of prisoners. He wants to hire “teachers, religious and behavioral science counselors” to “execute a program that effectively reintegrates [into Iraqi society] detainees, particularly those disposed to violent, radical ideology”. Gosh, how will people disposed to violent, radical ideology ever fit into Iraqi society? Or are all those positions already filled? Anyway, this reintegration will be effected by means of “enlightenment, deprogramming and de-radicalization sessions.” Does anyone else squirm a little at the thought of the US trying to “enlighten” and “deprogram” Muslims?

Romney accused McCain of “failing Reagan 101” by voting against tax cuts for the rich: “Reagan taught almost all of us in the Republican party that lowering taxes would grow the economy and was good for the economy and good for the individuals.”

What other valuable lessons might be taught in Reagan 101?

We’re too great a country for that

Bush’s radio address today was about Christmas and soldiers. Some people might find a contradiction between his remarks that “America is blessed to have men and women willing to step forward to defend our freedoms and keep us safe from our enemies” and “At this time of year, we acknowledge that love and sacrifice can transform our world”, but not George W.


Yesterday, Condi Rice said, “The United States doesn’t have permanent enemies, we’re too great a country for that.” I’m not sure what that means, possibly that we’re willing to forgive our enemies once we’ve bombed them into submission and changed their regimes. After all, love and sacrifice can transform our world – with extreme prejudice.

Headline of the Day

“Fujimori Apologizes for Death Squads.”

And Quote of the Day, Huckabee on Guantanamo: “If anything, it’s too nice.” So the Republican candidates want to double Gitmo and make it half as nice.

There will always be someone who will pick you up and carry you

John McCain, ever the sentimentalist, sent out this holiday email:

My Christmas Story

As a POW, my captors would tie my arms behind my back and then loop the rope around my neck and ankles so that my head was pulled down between my knees. I was often left like that throughout the night.

One night a guard came into my cell. He put his finger to his lips signaling for me to be quiet, and then loosened my ropes to relieve my pain. The next morning, when his shift ended, the guard returned and retightened the ropes, never saying a word to me.

A month or so later, on Christmas Day, I was standing in the dirt courtyard when I saw that same guard approach me. He walked up and stood silently next to me, not looking or smiling at me.

After a few moments had passed, he rather nonchalantly used his sandaled foot to draw a cross in the dirt. We stood wordlessly looking at the cross, remembering the true light of Christmas, even in the darkness of a Vietnamese prison camp. After a minute or two, he rubbed it out and walked away.

That guard was my Good Samaritan. I will never forget that man and I will never forget that moment. And I will never forget that, no matter where you are, no matter how difficult the circumstances, there will always be someone who will pick you up and carry you.

May you and your family have a blessed Christmas and Happy Holidays,

John McCain

You do not want to hear his Easter story.

(Update: it also comes in the form of a tv ad.)

Pity the poor photo-journalists

A man arrested on suspicion of growing cannabis was fed lunch in the holding cell, including what turned out to be a nice hash cake for dessert. The cake was evidence in another case, stored in the same refrigerator as the meals for prisoners. The surprising thing is that this occurred in the Netherlands, where one rather thought that cannabis-growing and hash cakes are entirely legal and that prisoners are routinely served hashish-based desserts. What is the world coming to?

Huckabee’s alliterative slogan is “Faith. Family. Freedom.” (in that order, presumably). Thompson’s is “The Clear Conservative Choice: Hands Down!”, the hands down bit referring once again to his refusal to do a show of hands at the debate, which they really are going to base their entire campaign around. I mean, sure, McCain spent all those years in a prison camp, but Fred Thompson stood up to the editor of the Des Moines Register.

Spare a sympathetic thought for the news photographers. Do you think AP photog Charlie Riedel wakes up in the middle of the night screaming?



Or AFP’s Paul J. Richards?