What, me worry?

McCain: “The argument is really almost insulting to one’s intelligence to say how long we’re in Iraq... Anyone who worries about how long we’re in Iraq does not understand the military and does not understand war.” (Link, includes the video)

And anyone who thinks that the only consideration should be “understanding the military” does not understand democracy.

Mr. Obama, what would you say if you were surrounded by cannibals?

Obama in a speech yesterday (no link – seen on the News Hour): “I may be skinny, but I’m tough too.”

Republican humor

From the Republican Party website, these side-splitting Valentine’s Day cards:





Thank you, Republicans, for bringing this hilarity into our humdrum lives.

Vomitous Irony of the Day

George Bush’s tribute to the late Tom Lantos: “Tom was a living reminder that we must never turn a blind eye to the suffering of the innocent at the hands of evil men.”

Caption contest

Secretary of War Robert Gates and Colonel Combover in Baghdad.

Wherein an adjective is applied to Germany that is rarely applied to Germany

SecWar Robert Gates was just in Europe, or Old Europe as his predecessor called it when he went there to make friends and influence people. Gates is bitching about the Europeans’ unwillingness to send troops into combat in Afghanistan, because if there’s one thing that’s always effective with Europeans, it’s being hectored publicly. When Germany objected to his tone, he accused it of being “a little overly sensitive”.

History takes a long time for us to reach (Updated, with a scurrilous calumny)

Follow-up: Sgt Evan Vela (see previous post) sentenced to 10 years.

Secretary of War Robert Gates spoke at the Munich Conference on Security Policy today. A Russian member of parliament asked him in the Q&A whether the US hadn’t created its own problem in Afghanistan by funding the mujahedeen. Gates responded, “If we bear a particular responsibility for the role of the mujahedeen and Al Qaeda growing up in Afghanistan, it has more to do with our abandonment of the country in 1989 than our assistance of it in 1979.” So the lesson is, once you intervene in another country, you have to keep doing so, forever.

Bush was interviewed by Chris Wallace on Fox today (taped Friday).

CONVINCING TO CONVINCE: He said that McCain is a true conservative, that “His principles are sound and solid as far as I’m concerned,” but “if John is the nominee, he has got some convincing to do to convince people that he is a solid conservative.”

Speaking of solid, he says that Huckabee was fat and now isn’t, which is why he’d also be a good president. Or something: “I remember Mike when he weighed a lot and I’ll never forget getting off at the airplane and there he was at the foot of Air Force One and I couldn’t recognize him. And the reason I bring that up is he’s disciplined.”

He refused to believe that any Republican candidate could possibly disagree with him: “I’m sure that you can find quotes from people running for office that sound like they’re at odds with me.” What about Huckabee’s remark that Bush’s foreign policy showed an arrogant bunker mentality? “I think he has tried to walk back that position.”

But in the end, it all comes down to, um, reality: “And I confident that the nominee will be the person who is capable of assuring the American people, one, the reality, I see the reality. And secondly, I’ve got a plan to deal with it.”

On Barack Obama: “I certainly don’t know what he believes in.”

(Update: the Fox transcript is atrocious, getting curiously opaque when Bush fires this scurrilous calumny at Obama: “The only foreign policy thing I remember he said was he’s going to attack Pakistan and break the Mani Mijad (ph). I think (INAUDIBLE) that in a press conference.” The WaPo is clearer: “The only foreign policy thing I remember he said was he’s going to attack Pakistan and embrace Ahmadinejad.”)

On why it’s pointless to try to make rich people pay their taxes: “I promise you the Democrat party is going to field a candidate who says I’m going to raise your tax. If they’re going to say, oh, we’re only going to tax the rich people, but most people in America understand that the rich people hire good accountants and figure out how not to necessarily pay all the taxes and the middle class gets stuck.”

SUCCESS, YOU SAY? WHY THAT’S SO CRAZY, IT JUST MIGHT WORK! “You know, I met with General Petraeus when I was in Kuwait on my trip to the Middle East. And my message to the general was, success is paramount. And therefore, whatever you recommend, make it based upon the need to succeed.”

OR NOT: “But I will listen, give them careful consideration and make up my mind. But it is going to based upon whether or not we can succeed or not.”

ON WATERBOARDING PAST: “First of all, whatever we have done was legal...”

AND FUTURE: “...and whatever decision I will make will be reviewed by the Justice Department to determine whether or not the legality is there.”

A FAIR QUESTION: “And for those who criticize what we did in the past, I ask them, which attack would they rather have not permitted - stopped? Which attack on America did they - would they have said, well, you know, maybe it wasn’t all that important that we stop those attacks.”

ABUNDANTLY CLEAR TO NERVOUS NATIONS: “In my trip to the Middle East I made it abundantly clear to nervous nations that Iran is a threat. And that’s what the NIE said if you read it carefully.” However, “the NIE sends mixed signals.”

OUR GOAL IN IRAN: “To pressure them to the point where we hope somebody rational shows up and says, OK, it’s not worth it anymore.”

HISTORIOGRAPHY: “it’s very hard to write the future history of America before the current history hasn’t been fully written.” So true. “And as far as history goes and all of these quotes about people trying to guess what the history of the Bush administration is going to be, you know, I take great comfort in knowing that they don’t know what they are talking about, because history takes a long time for us to reach.”

BOOKS THAT HAVE WRITTEN: “There just isn’t - objective history. I don’t know how many books that have written about my administration, probably more than any other president, which actually says I’m doing something.” He’s said this before; he really believes there are more books about him than about Lincoln or JFK or FDR, because he’s just that important.

Asked what advice he might give his successor: “Rely upon a higher power to help you through the day.” He makes being president sound exactly like working a 12-step program.

Caption contest:

Noise... reduction?

Sgt Evan Vela, a member of a sniper team called the Painted Demons, is being court-martialed for the murder of an Iraqi civilian, whose sole crime was having happened across their hiding spot. “He was making too much noise,” according to the testimony of the man who gave the order (who was previously convicted, but only of planting an AK-47 on the body, and sentenced to time served).

Let’s see if I have this straight: he was making too much noise, so they... shot him. Twice.

(Update: sometimes there’s a fine line between clarity and insulting my gentle readers’ intelligence, but here goes: I’m not just saying that that was a morally questionable act, but that if you’re worried about noise, firing off guns may not be the thing to do.)

Is waterboarding a lifestyle choice or innate?

Tuesday, CIA director Michael Hayden objected in testimony to a Senate committee to the proposal to require CIA interrogators to adhere to the Army’s standards: “It would make no more sense to apply the Army’s Field Manual to CIA than it would to take the Army Field Manual on grooming and apply it to my agency, or the Army Field Manual on recruiting and apply it to my agency. Or, for that matter, the Army Field Manual on sexual orientation and apply it to my agency.” Which is more disturbing, his comparison of torture to grooming or to sexual orientation?

Although to give the CIA credit where it is due, they do not discriminate against torture-sexuals.

I just checked. Astonishingly, there are no Google hits for “torture-sexuals.”

Wherein is revealed the best vice president in history

Today it was Bush’s turn to address the Conservative Political Action Conference.

He called Cheney “the best Vice President in history. Mother may have a different opinion.” This is not only George acting out his daddy issues in public, but doing so in a forum of people who have nothing but contempt for his father.


Also: Vice Presidents John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt...?

NAMES, WHY DOES HE NEVER GIVE US NAMES? “We believe our nation has the right to defend itself -- even if sometimes others disagree.”

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING PERMISSION SLIPS: “They tend to be suspicious of America’s exercise of global leadership -- unless, of course, we get a permission slip from international organizations.”

AND THEY WERE PROBABLY JUST WAITING TO BE ASKED, TOO: “And we darn sure didn’t seek the approval of groups like Code Pink and MoveOn.org before deciding what to do.”

“When I took office, our society was grappling with a troubling rate of drug use among our children. ... We believe people should be held responsible for their actions and we know that people can change their behavior. ... We helped move drug addicts from a culture of victimization to a culture of responsibility.” This from the serial drunk driver who somehow never got sent to jail, the guy who stopped showing up for his Air National Guard service the minute they introduced drug-testing.


WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE? “Six-and-a-half years ago, our country faced the worst attack in our history. I understood immediately that we would have to act boldly to protect the American people.”

NOTE TO WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIBER: A [SIC] AFTER THE WORD PROGRESS WOULD ALSO BE GOOD. “Yet even the enemy recognizes the progress we’re being [sic] making.”

Something is going to happen to help them get their feet back on the ground

Bush on the federal response to the tornados in Tennessee: “I don’t want people to think something is going to happen that’s not going to happen. And therefore when we say something is going to happen to help them get their feet back on the ground, it will happen.” Dude, watch your metaphors. He also called the people of Macon County “down to earth, hard-working, God-fearing people”. Evidently with plenty of reason to fear God just lately.

I love you, what can I do to help you?

Thursday afternoon, Bush had a “Helping America’s Youth” event at the White House. He told America’s youth, “there’s all kinds of ways to serve America. One way is to wear the uniform. Another way is to find somebody wonders whether or not there’s a positive future in their lives, and put your arm around them and say, I love you; what can I do to help you?” First, should he really be encouraging America’s youth to go up to random depressed people, put their arm around them and say, “I love you, what can I do to help you?” I mean, it would be pretty creepy the other way around, wouldn’t it?

I love you, what can I do to help you?

Second: and the other option he offers is to join the military, find somebody wonders whether or not there’s a positive future in their lives – and shoot them. Is there nothing, you know, in the middle?

Then he discovered a shiny object, and that kept him occupied for the rest of the afternoon.

McCain was against government feeling empowered to take from us our freedom before he was for it

Congresscritter Darlene Hooley (D-Oregon) is retiring after 12 years. Honest to God, I can’t remember ever having heard of her before this very minute. Nevertheless, “Darlene Hooley” is our Name of the Day. Congratulations.

McCain also made a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference today. Half of it assured them over and over that he was a true, Reagan-corpse-dry-humping conservative, the other half was about how he has so much principled integrity that he would never pander to anyone.


He said that either Obama or Clinton would take us back to the days of Big Government “when government felt empowered to take from us our freedom to decide for ourselves the course and quality of our lives”. In the very next sentence he castigated Democratic senators for blocking the extension of government surveillance.

Mittens surrenders to McCain, not terror

Twitt Romney, as you will have heard, has dropped out. He announced this in a speech, not to his campaign workers, but to the Conservative Political Action Conference.


He is worried that the worst, the very worst, will happen: “I am convinced that unless America changes course, we will become the France of the 21st century. ... And to me, that is impensable unthinkable.”

He derided the “culture of poverty,” which he blamed on “1960s welfare programs.” The Liberals, he says, are still trying to undermine “individual responsibility”: “They fight to strip work requirements from welfare, to put more people on Medicaid, and to remove more and more people from having to pay any income tax whatsoever.” How will the poor ever learn individual responsibility if they don’t pay income tax?


“And tolerance for pornography – even celebration of it – and sexual promiscuity, combined with the twisted incentives of government welfare programs have led to today’s grim realities: 68% of African American children are born out-of-wedlock, 45% of Hispanic children, and 25% of White children.” What I believe he’s saying is that African-American men love their porn. Or something. Certainly his insistence on disaggregating those numbers by race shows that his problem isn’t with “culture” but with the duskier races. Who are destroying America: “A nation built on the principles of the founding fathers cannot long stand when its children are raised without fathers in the home.” Founding fathers, African-American children born out of wedlock... nah, too easy.

The big threat, though, is “violent, radical Jihad.” “These Jihadists will battle any form of democracy – to them, democracy is blasphemous for it says that citizens, not God shape the law.” Or wait, maybe it’s Mike Huckabee who thinks that democracy is blasphemous for saying that citizens, not God shape the law. I always get those two confused.


And just as his sons were serving their country by working for his campaign, Mittens is now giving up his campaign, not because he had his Mormon ass handed to him, but in order to serve his country: “in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.”

Awesome, dude

This morning, Bush attended the National Prayer Breakfast. This, I guess, is what Bush looks like when he prays.


Also in attendance: Larry Craig. Also Holy Joe Lieberman, and John McCain, who had time for this but not to vote on the economic stimulus package. What is McCain praying for?


I CAN THINK OF ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL WORD: “Ward, thanks for your remarks. Those were awesome. I guess that’s a presidential word.”

“The people in this room come from many different walks of faith. Yet we share one clear conviction: We believe that the Almighty hears our prayers -- and answers those who seek Him. That’s what we believe; otherwise, why come?” For the pancakes. The pancakes are awesome.

Later in the morning, Bush held an event to complain that the Senate wasn’t confirming his nominees fast enough.

IN OTHER WORD. NOT IN OTHER WORDS, MIND YOU. IN OTHER WORD. “In other word, this isn’t the first time he’s gone through a confirmation process.”

“Yet the Senate has not acted on their nominations. This delay is irresponsible. It undermines the cause of justice.” And that violates the separation of powers. See, it’s the job of the executive branch to undermine the cause of justice.

It makes a lot of sense to make sure that we can grow our own food

Name of the day: State Department spokesman Karl Duckworth.

The US is down to its last World War I veteran, one Frank Buckles, 107. Germany’s last survivor died last month.

Mike Huckabee penned a typically subtle editorial for the Jerusalem Post. He writes that on one of his trips to Israel to convert the heathen or pray for the End of Days or whatever it is that keeps him going back so many times (possibly it’s the falafel) (they don’t really have falafel in Arkansas), he took his 11-year-old daughter to Yad Vashem, where they “faced the grimly surreal pictures from Dachau and Auschwitz” (Huckabee doesn’t know what the word “surreal” actually means). Little Sarah wrote in the guest book, “Why didn’t somebody do something?” “[W]ith those words,” The Huck says, “I knew that, in her own way, she ‘got it.’ Unfortunately, some in America, even some running for president, don’t get it. Those who don’t understand that the war in Iraq is a critical part of the war on terror, don’t get it.” And they secretly love the Nazis. Especially Obama.

Yesterday, Bush showed his continuing relevancy by meeting a NASCAR prize winner. Today, he met a hockey team, the Anaheim Ducks, who won the Stanley Cup. “These Ducks are awfully mighty,” he said.


He also attended the swearing-in of the new Agriculture Secretary, Ed WhoCaresWhatHisNameIsHe’llBeGonePrettySoon. Ed, Bush says, “understands what I know -- it makes a lot of sense to make sure that we can grow our own food. It’s in our national security interest that we’re self-sufficient in food.” And how do we do that? By exporting it. “The best way to keep the ag economy growing is to open up new markets for America’s crops and farm products around the world.” Also, by having them grow things that aren’t food: “I’d much rather our farmers be growing energy than trying to buy from other parts of the world.”

See, and you thought Bush didn’t have a rational agricultural policy.


He warned against farm legislation currently before Congress. “It seems like to us it lacks reform”. You may think that sentences like that show a certain carelessness, but quite the contrary: every word is painstakingly evaluated, then carefully written down, each one on a separate piece of paper. The pieces of paper are then randomly drawn out of a hat to produce the Bush syntax we all enjoy so much.

Number 4 in the series “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face”

Testifying before the Senate Budget Committee today about Bush’s proposed budget (it’s on a laptop computer, you know).

We are the Republican Party front-runner

McCain, last night: “Tonight, I think we must get used to the idea that we are the Republican Party front-runner.” One of the perks of front-runner status: the right to use the Royal We (Pluralis Majestatis).


Condi Rice responds to a question about the Afghan journalist, Pervez Kambakhsh, sentenced to death for blasphemy. The outrage is palpable:

Well, I’ll certainly raise the case with President Karzai. This is a young democracy and I think it won’t surprise you that we are not supportive of everything that comes up through the judicial system in Afghanistan. I do think that the Afghans understand that there are some international norms that need to be respected. Of course, one has national laws and they’re national laws that are in accordance with traditions and religious practice and all -- you know, all elements of indigenous development. But there are international norms, and I’ll certainly talk to President Karzai about this -- about this case.

Lazy-ass blogger calls another caption contest

Bush Tuesday with a NASCAR prize-winner and his tall wife. I assume the thing he’s holding is the prize. Or a bong.

Election results

In California, the ballots are still only half counted, but this blog is calling the Green Party and Peace & Freedom Party presidential primaries for Ralph Nader. Terrific.

It won’t air until later today (and then should be available online for about a week), but BBC’s Radio 4 will have a program on the US primaries by comedians Andy Zaltzman and Rory Bremner, which I’d guess will be pretty good.