I’ve been in the Bible every day since I’ve been the President

Remember those hunger strikes by prisoners in Guantanamo Bay? Some of them are still on it, still being forcibly fed, one of them with a substance to which he is allergic.

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The White House has released excerpts of an oral history project in which George and Laura Bush were interviewed by his sister. It’s legacy time. Which is just like Miller Time, but with more beer belches.

TECHNICALLY, HE DIDN’T SELL IT, JUST TRADED IT FOR SOME “MAGIC BEANS”: “I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process.”

JUST LIKE NEW, NEVER BEEN USED: “I came to Washington with a set of values, and I’m leaving with the same set of values.”

SURROUNDED: “I surrounded myself with good people”.

IS HIS SELF-DELUSION LAUGHABLE? OR JUST PLAIN SAD? “I’d like to be a president [known] as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace; that focused on individuals rather than process; that rallied people to serve their neighbor; that led an effort to help relieve HIV/AIDS and malaria on places like the continent of Africa; that helped elderly people get prescription drugs and Medicare as a part of the basic package; that came to Washington, D.C., with a set of political statements and worked as hard as I possibly could to do what I told the American people I would do.” Alternately, he’d settle for just being known as the second worst president ever.

Laura Bush showed that the secret of marriage is a shared inability to see reality: “Well, it’s certainly been very rewarding to look at Afghanistan and both know that the President and the United States military liberated women there; that women and girls can be in school now; that women can walk outside their doors without a male escort.”

George talked about his father: “I think that the gift our dad gave to all of us is unconditional love. It is the greatest gift a father can give a child. And it has made life so much easier in many ways, because if you have the ultimate gift of love, then the difficulties of life can be easier handled.” Difficulties of life like, say, grammar.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, he [Bush the Elder] was a great father before politics, a great father during politics and a great father after politics.”

HE’S A BIBLE CHARACTER, JUST LIKE DAVID AND GOLIATH, OR SPIDERMAN: “I’ve been in the Bible every day since I’ve been the President”.

WHAT HE’S BEEN AFFECTED BY: “and I have been affected by people’s prayers a lot.” Prayers, you say... and I’ve just been using that voodoo doll.

A DOUBLE “IN OTHER WORDS,” JESUSY VERSION: “I would advise politicians, however, to be careful about faith in the public arena. ...In other words, politicians should not be judgmental people based upon their faith. They should recognize -- at least I have recognized I am a lowly sinner seeking redemption, and therefore have been very careful about saying [accept] my faith or you’re bad. In other words, if you don’t accept what I believe, you’re a bad person.”

Hiding behind the SOFA

The Iraqi Parliament voted for the Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) today. Said George Bush of the vote, “Today’s vote affirms the growth of Iraq’s democracy and increasing ability to secure itself.” Growth of Iraq’s democracy? Iraq’s elected representatives refused to associate themselves with their own votes, which they cast by an unrecorded show of hands (thought to be about 140 or 145 of the 198 attending, of the 275 total MPs). There will be a referendum in July (although if the SOFA is voted down, it would still be in effect another year).


Speaking of the growth of democracy, when will the US Congress vote on this, and what date is our referendum scheduled for? Also, under what law is an agreement signed only by a president binding on his successor?

The Florida gay adoption case

A Florida state circuit judge ruled Tuesday that the state’s ban on adoptions by gay people is unconstitutional (what is the legal definition of gay people in Florida law, anyway?)(Update: there isn’t one; the statute just says “No person eligible to adopt under this statute may adopt if that person is a homosexual.”). We’ll see what happens when Florida appeals, but neither the 11th Circuit nor the Florida Supreme Court have an encouraging record.

The state of Florida defended the law vigorously, to say nothing of viciously, putting up expert witnesses (a Baptist minister; a “scholar who acknowledged he was guided largely by Scripture”; you know, experts) to argue that gay people are especially prone to drug and alcohol abuse and depression, that gay relationships are unstable, and that... and some people might consider this a tad ironic in light of all the libel poured on homosexuals by the State of Florida... their children are subject to societal stigma. The State of Florida literally went into court to argue that homosexuality is immoral.

Not trotting to their finish

The people have spoken, and the newly elected National Turkey is... Hillary Clinton. She just won’t admit defeat.

Actually, “Pumpkin” and “Pecan” won, and today George Bush pardoned them for predatory lending practices (they were giving out mortgages for coops to totally unqualified chickens).

Bush and the National Turkey. But I repeat myself.

Bush told several fowl-related jokes I won’t inflict on you, concluding, “In recent weeks, I’ve talked a lot about sprinting to the finish. Yet I’ve assured these turkeys they will not be trotting to their finish.”


And then Sarah Palin jumped out and bit Pumpkin’s head off, the end.

Of SOFAs and searches

McClatchy reports that the Bushies have “withheld the official English translation of the [Status of Forces] agreement in an effort to suppress a public dispute with the Iraqis until after the Iraqi parliament votes.” And of course to keep the American people knowing the details. The possible public dispute McClatchy refers to might arise from the intention of the Americans to interpret the words of the SOFA entirely differently than the Iraqis. For example, the Iraqis only think that the US is prohibited from attacking Iran from Iraqi soil.

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The 2nd Circuit Court ruled that Americans are not protected against the US government conducting warrantless electronic surveillance and searches against them if they are in a foreign country (and that any evidence so collected can then be used against them). Such searches, however, have to be “reasonable.”

The Iraqi people have the Screaming Eagles to thank

At a press conference today, Barack Obama insisted, “I think what the American people want more than anything is just commonsense, smart government.” Which one, commonsense or smart? Because smart ain’t all that common.

He continued, “They don’t want ideology; they don’t want bickering; they don’t want sniping. They want action, and they want effectiveness.” Really? Action and effectiveness are all very well, but I actually want some ideology, some sniping and especially some bickering or, as I like to call it, democratic debate.


Meanwhile, Bush went to Fort Campbell, KY, to talk in the general direction of some troops.


“I’m honored to be with the Screaming Eagles of the 101st Airborne -- (applause) -- the Night Stalkers of the 160th -- (applause) -- the Green Berets of the 5th Special Forces Group”. Um, the Night Stalkers?


FABULOUS! “I’m proud of those of you who not only serve our nation by wearing a fabulous uniform...”


UM, THANKS?: “The Iraqi people have the Screaming Eagles to thank.”

Safeguarding Citiwhatever

Today, Bush visited Hank Paulson at the Treasury Department for a delicious beverage: “Mr. Secretary, thank you very much for inviting me in for a cup of coffee.”


CITICORPSE?: “The decision was made to safeguard Citi -- Citicorps.” You mean Citicorp (not corps), the name Citigroup hasn’t used since 1998. Isn’t that how we got into this mess – giving away lots of money to people we didn’t know much of anything about?


HE’S THE DECIDERER: “We have made these kind of decisions in the past -- made one last night.”


AND WILL BE THE DECIDERER FOR THE NEXT (SIGH) 57 DAYS: “And if need be, we’re going to make these kind of decisions to safeguard our financial system in the future.” Way to boost economic confidence, George.

Also today, Barack Obama officially announced who would be the next face of the American economy, one Timothy Geithner.


Hmm.

Ponchopalooza

The APEC summit ended today with my favorite part of all international summits: dressing up in native garb.




CAPTION CONTEST!!!

Kinks

Headline (of a Story You Really Don’t Want to Read But Kinda Have To) of The Day: “Astronauts Try to Work Out Kinks in Urine Machine.”

That which enabled us to be successful in the past must be used to help us chart a more hopeful future for tomorrow

Bush is in Peru for the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit, the last time he will (shudder) represent the United States abroad, and he gave a little speech.


WHAT IT IS IMPORTANT FOR THE WORLD TO RECOGNIZE, AND FOR OUR COUNTRY TO RECOGNIZE: “I believe it is important for the world to recognize, and for our country to recognize, that the United States is a Pacific nation.”


LAYING THE FOUNDATION: “A week ago in Washington, you might have heard that I had the honor of hosting a summit in what will be the series of international summits to address the financial crisis. I didn’t believe we could solve all problems in one meeting, but I did believe it was important for us to host the initial summit to get it started, to lay the foundation for successful -- for meetings.” Phew, thank god he corrected that, or somebody might have expected him to do something successful.

Who am I kidding – no one would expect Bush to do something successful.

Although he does believe that he knows how to be successful. It has something to do with charts: “That which enabled us to be successful in the past must be used to help us chart a more hopeful future for tomorrow.”


NOT ESPECIALLY, GEORGE: “The APEC region’s share of the global economy has grown nearly 55 percent. Isn’t that interesting?”

NOT ESPECIALLY, GEORGE: “At our summit in Washington last weekend, leaders from around the world expressed strong support for completing Doha. Isn’t that interesting?”

He said that we now have free trade agreements with China, Singapore, and Australia. China, Chile, same dif.

WHAT GEORGE HAD A CHANCE TO HAVE: “I just had a chance to have a cup of coffee with President Uribe. He is a strong leader. He’s a good friend. And our Congress and our government must never turn our back on such a friend as Uribe.” Yeah, I wouldn’t trust that shifty fuck with my back turned to him either.


CONTINUE TO WORK DOWN: “The nations in this region must also continuing to work -- must continue to work down -- continue working to break down trade barriers at the global level.”

WHAT HE’S TOLD PEOPLE A LOT: “I’ve told people a lot since my presidency this truth: I believe there is an Almighty. And I believe a gift of that Almighty to every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth is freedom.” Also that story about the time he and the Japanese prime minister went to Graceland. In two months, we’ll never have to hear either one again.

El cambio you can believe in

Yesterday, Bush was interviewed by Peru’s América TV, in advance of his trip to Peru today. He used the interview to demonstrate his excellent Spanish:

Q: Mr. President, you built a relationship with Peru because you have a close friendship with President Toledo --

BUSH: Sí.

Q: -- with former President Toledo, which held the negotiations in favor of FTA --

BUSH: Sí.

And:

President Garcia is muy amable.

And:

Q: One last question, President -- Mr. President. Elected President Obama said in his slogan, his campaign slogan, that change is the main thing for America.

BUSH: El cambio.

IN OTHER PALABRAS: “ours is a country that promoted free and fair trade, which is the best way to help nations develop their economies. I mean, in other words, you’re a Peruvian farmer, you’d like to be selling into U.S. markets, and -- because it’s a big market.”

WHAT GEORGE IS CERTAIN A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD SAID: “when I was on TV, for example, after 9/11, I was talking about securing the United States and the war on terror. And so I’m certain a lot of people in the neighborhood, Central and South America, said, well, he’s only focused on the Middle East; he doesn’t really seem to care about us.”

CAPITALISM WITH A CHIMPY FACE: “And the only thing the United States tries to do is to show the human side of the philosophy that most leaders embrace, which is freedom, free markets, free trade, and social justice.”

Getting a jump on those memoirs, George talked about his legacy:

WHAT DEMOCRACY IS: “Democracy is more vibrant in parts of the world that didn’t see democracy.”

WHAT TRADE IS: “Trade is -- agreements are more abundant now.”

Name the turkeys

Once again, it’s time to go to the White House website to vote for names for the two National Turkeys. The White House people get a little less creative with this every year. In years past, you had a historical option (Jefferson & Adams), something Puritan-y (Plymouth & Rock, May & Flower), and something foody (Marshmallow & Yam), which always wins. Judging by all the food-related options this year, some intern scribbled out the list just before lunch time. The options are Popcorn & Cranberry, Yam & Jam, Dawn & Early Light, Roost & Run, Pumpkin & Pecan, Apple & Cider.

We can do better than that, can’t we? Joe & Plumber, Audacity & Hope, Lame & Duck, Sub & Prime, Wall Street & Bailout, Trig & Track, Caribou & Barbie, Maverick & Mooseburger....

I declare this a CONTEST (yay!).

(Update: in perhaps the greatest metaphor of this election cycle, Sarah Palin performed her own turkey-pardoning ceremony, then gave a three-minute tv interview blithely ignoring or completely oblivious of the man behind her slaughtering turkeys.)

With actual clamps

Britain plans to make paying “trafficked” prostitutes for sex a crime. Plan your vacations accordingly.

That story gives us our Headline of the Day: “Prostitute Users Face Clampdown.”

Clampdown, eh? That usually costs extra.

World Toilet Day!

Today is World Toilet Day, sponsored by the World Toilet Organization (WTO), which “has been striving to elevate the status of toilets to make them status symbols and objects of desire. WTO speaks on behalf of toilets ‘WE DESERVE BETTER SOCIAL STATUS’.”


Here are some Germans celebrating World Toilet Day.


What are you doing to celebrate World Toilet Day? On second thought, forget I asked.

Depressing thought of the day (but Ted Stevens lost, yay)

When I read that Ted Stevens had lost his re-election bid to Mark Begich by a margin large enough that the cheap bastard would have to pay for a recount if he wanted one, I gave a little sigh of relief. And then I realized what that sigh said: I don’t want a recount because I don’t trust that a recount wouldn’t come up with wildly different results because I don’t have any faith in election results in the United States anymore.

Effective is always important

Today Bush visited the Department of Transportation to talk about aviation congestion. Not that he’d know anything about that: “You have done a terrific job, as far as I am concerned. The past eight years I have not seen a traffic jam -- (laughter) -- waited for an airplane -- (laughter) -- or had my bags lost. (Laughter.)” And they always give him plenty of pretzels...

WHY EFFECTIVE IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT (HINT: IT’S THE REMINDING) (HE’S THE REMINDERER, YOU KNOW): “Effective is always important when it comes to reminding our citizens that the government can respond in a way that will make them proud.”

GEORGE PRAISED TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY MARY PETERS IN THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE TERMS: “Madam Secretary, you did your job. That’s what I expected when I asked you to serve”.

One way to look at it is they’re saying, will traveling home for the holidays be ‘It’s A Wonderful Life,’ or will it be ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas.’

IN OTHER WORDS: “This year, we’re going to expand what we call the ‘Thanksgiving Express Lanes’ to areas of the Midwest, the Southwest, and the West Coast, including the skies over Phoenix and Los Angeles. In other words, we innovated last year to ease the travel; it worked, and now we’re expanding that innovation this year.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “During my time in office, or our time in office, we have put regulations in place to make airlines more accountable for the way they treat passengers. In other words, we have done this kind of regulatory regime before”.

A gay and secular fascism

Newt Gingrich complained on Fox that “there is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us”. He makes it sound so... dirty. He went on:

And I think if you believe in historic Christianity, you have to confront the fact. And, frank -- for that matter, if you believe in the historic version of Islam or the historic version of Judaism, you have to confront the reality that these secular extremists are determined to impose on you acceptance of a series of values that are antithetical, they’re the opposite, of what you’re taught in Sunday school.

Um, Newton? If you believe in the historic (as opposed to the ahistoric) versions of Islam or Judaism, you probably weren’t taught them in Sunday school.

Troubled asset

Bush’s nominee to be Special Inspector General for the Troubled Asset Relief Program, Neil Barofsky, appeared before the Senate Finance Committee today, and, well, everything you need to know about troubled assets...

The temptation in times of economic stress will be to say, oh, trade isn’t worth it

Bush spoke after today’s session of the Oh God, All Our Economies Are So Totally Fucked summit.

He explained the elaborate preparations for this summit: “The first decision I had to make was who was coming to the meeting. And obviously I decided that we ought to have the G20 nations, as opposed to the G8 or the G13.” Becuz, and see if you can follow mah thinking, 20 is more than 8 or even 13, at least that’s what mah number advisers tell me.


WHAT THE WHOLE POINT WAS: “[B]ut the whole point was, was that we recognize that, on the one hand, there’s been a severe credit crisis, and on the other hand, our economies are being hit very hard.”

A COMMON UNDERSTANDING: “And so there was a common understanding that all of us should promote pro-growth economic policy.” Was there a long debate preceding this common understanding? Were there countries arguing in favor of promoting anti-growth economic policy who had to be won over?

IN OTHER WORDS: “We also talked about broader reforms -- so in other words, the discussions were focused on today and what we’re doing about it, but what are we going to do to make sure it doesn’t happen tomorrow.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “All this is an important first step -- in other words, this is a beginning of a series of meetings.”

WHAT PEOPLE SAY: “People say, well, why don’t you have one meeting and, you know, call it Bretton Woods II. Well, Bretton Woods I took two years to prepare. I don’t know what you want to call this one, but whatever name comes from this meeting, it took three weeks to prepare.” Well, that sure puts the people who wanted to call this meeting Bretton Woods II in their place. I trust they’re feeling appropriately chagrined.

WHAT IT ALSO MAKES SENSE TO SAY TO PEOPLE: “It also makes sense to say to people that there is more work to be done and there will be further meetings, sending a clear signal that a meeting is not going to solve the world’s problems.”

WHAT THE TEMPTATION IN TIMES OF ECONOMIC STRESS WILL BE TO SAY: “The temptation in times of economic stress will be to say, oh, trade isn’t worth it, let’s just throw up protective barriers.”


WHAT GEORGE HOPES IT WAS GOOD FOR THEM TO HEAR: “And I hope it was good for them to hear that even though we’re from different political parties, that I believe it’s in our country’s interest that [Obama] succeed.”

Summitry

The G20 summit continues. Bush informed the press this morning, “Obviously, you know, this crisis has not ended.”

Here, President Doesn’t-Know-What-To-Do-With-His-Arms waits for the other national leaders to arrive.



Then, the world’s crankiest host led them one by one into the summit.




Hands! Hands!!


But there is evidently one leader who enjoys the clammy touch of President Dead Man Walking.