Horrifying Headline of the Day

NYT: “Brooklynite Hits France, With Plans to Seduce.” Some microbrew guy who wants to introduce pretentious beers to Paris, but you know what this is the first step towards, don’t you? French hipsters! This man must be stopped.

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That is unfortunate

Obama on the filibuster of Chuck Hagel: “it’s just unfortunate that this kind of politics intrudes at a time when I’m still presiding over a war in Afghanistan”. I say let’s keep the filibuster, and end the fucking war. Problem solved.

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Today -100: February 15, 1913: Of weak, nerveless men, literacy, and bribes

The NYT incorrectly reports that Francisco Madero resigns as president of Mexico after six days of bloody fighting in Mexico City.

Taft still doesn’t officially have this (false) news, because the American ambassador’s message reporting it to him has to be put in cipher, then it has to be deciphered at the other end, and that all takes time.

The NYT prematurely cheers the fall of Madero, “a weak, nerveless man, incapable of governing”. They’re just happy that this brings the warfare to an end (ha!) so the US won’t have to intervene.

Taft vetoes the immigration bill because of its literacy clause.

Six more West Virginia legislators are indicted for taking bribes to elect a US senator. The grand jury plans to question every member of the Legislature.

Pres. Taft approves the expulsion of a West Point cadet, Elmer E. Adler, for getting married.

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Today -100: February 14, 1913: Of bribes, strikes, and the next best thing to making laws

Col. William Seymour Edwards, a candidate for US senator for West Virginia, is arrested for attempted bribery of a state legislator to vote for him. This is the same Edwards who set up the sting against other bribe-seeking legislators, resulting in the arrests of five of them two days ago, so I’m not sure what’s going on here. The Legislature held its 7th inconclusive ballot for senator; one of the legislators under indictment showed up to vote.

After striking miners invade the West Virginia State Building to demand that Gov. Glasscock recall the soldiers he sent into the mining districts, Mother Jones and others are arrested for conspiracy in the death of Fred Bobbett during a strike-related riot.

British suffrage-leader-in-exile Christabel Pankhurst, in an editorial in The Suffragette, says that while women can’t make laws, “they have done the next best thing by raising themselves above the law.” This refers less to militancy than to the ability of suffragettes to escape imprisonment through hunger striking.

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The State of the Union is... stronger (we’re grading on a curve now)

Tonight Obama delivered the Motherfucking State of the Motherfucking Union Address (MSOTMU).

HE’S JUST NOT WILLING TO ADMIT IT’S BEEN MORE THAN ELEVEN YEARS, NOT “A DECADE,” IS HE? “After a decade of grinding war, our brave men and women in uniform are coming home.”

RUBBLE? WHAT CRISIS WAS THIS? DID I MISS SOMETHING? WAS IT AN ASTEROID HITTING THE EARTH? WHAT IS THIS RUBBLE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK??? “So, together, we have cleared away the rubble of crisis, and we can say with renewed confidence that the State of our Union is stronger.” Stronger than what, he does not say.

AS OPPOSED TO JUST THE RIGHT NUMBER OF PEOPLE: “too many people still can’t find full-time employment.”

WHAT PART OF “CORPORATIONS THRIVE ON HUMAN MISERY” DO YOU STILL NOT UNDERSTAND? “Corporate profits have skyrocketed to all-time highs -- but for more than a decade, wages and incomes have barely budged.”

THE MIDDLE CLASS SHOULD BE A LITTLE WORRIED THAT IT’S ABOUT TO BE “REIGNITED”: “It is our generation’s task, then, to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth -- a rising, thriving middle class.”

OUR UNFINISHED TASK: “It is our unfinished task to restore the basic bargain that built this country -- the idea that if you work hard and meet your responsibilities, you can get ahead, no matter where you come from, no matter what you look like, or who you love.” Slaves, women... he keeps forgetting those people. Also, the basic bargain that built this country was about fairness based on “who you love”? Unless the basic bargain that built this country had something to do with Jefferson fucking his slaves?

THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS PAUL KRUGMAN GRINDING HIS TEETH: “we are more than halfway towards the goal of $4 trillion in deficit reduction that economists say we need to stabilize our finances.”

The sequester is “a really bad idea.” Almost makes you wonder how it got put into legislation. No, wait, it doesn’t.

He wants to cut Medicare... just like Simpson-Bowles!

IS THERE ANY REASON TO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE SAYS AFTER THESE WORDS? “So let’s set party interests aside and...”

AND YOU THOUGHT THE US DIDN’T MANUFACTURE STUFF ANY MORE: “The greatest nation on Earth cannot keep conducting its business by drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next.”

This speech is sprinkled with half-meaningful statistics. X million jobs have been created, gas mileage has doubled, etc but over what period of time? He doesn’t say; this is the sort of number meant to convey an impression of conveying information without actually doing so.

WE CAN HAVE IT ALL! “Now, the good news is we can make meaningful progress on [global warming] while driving strong economic growth.” Is “driving” really the word you wanted to use there?

CALM DOWN, KIDS, IT DOESN’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS: “And tomorrow, my administration will release a new ‘College Scorecard’ that parents and students can use to compare schools”.

OFTEN WITH ACTUAL HARNESSES: “Our economy is stronger when we harness the talents and ingenuity of striving, hopeful immigrants.”

SOUNDS DIRTY: “putting more boots on the Southern border”.

WHEREIN IS REVEALED WHAT MAKES YOU A MAN: “what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.” And what makes you a sexist is talking about “what makes you a man.” (That said, how often do actual references to fucking make it into the SOTU? Not enough, that’s how often.)

DEFEATING THE CORE: “we can say with confidence that America will complete its mission in Afghanistan and achieve our objective of defeating the core of al Qaeda.”

He says he’ll withdraw 34,000 troops from Afghanistan over the next year and “by the end of next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over.”

Except... he plans to continue “counterterrorism efforts that allow us to pursue the remnants of al Qaeda and their affiliates.” So the war will be dead, long live counterterrorism efforts.

A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO FLYING KILLER ROBOTS: “And all over the world, through a range of capabilities, we will continue to take direct action against those terrorists who pose the gravest threat to Americans.”

I THOUGHT WE’D ALREADY SENT THEM OFF TO DIE: “Now, as we do, we must enlist our values in the fight.”

HOW CAN WE TAKE YOUR WORD WHEN YOU WON’T EVEN USE THE WORD DRONES? “I recognize that in our democracy, no one should just take my word for it that we’re doing things the right way.”

He calls the North Korean nuke test a “provocation.” He’s feeling very provoked.

People affected by gun violence “deserve a vote” (on gun legislation). He’s not even asking that gun control bills be passed, because that would just be crazy talk, but that they not be bottled up, which is also crazy talk.

I’M THINKING DONUTS OF SOME KIND. MAYBE WITH SPRINKLES. “I’m announcing a nonpartisan commission to improve the voting experience in America.”

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Today -100: February 13, 1913: Of warships, dynasties, UFOs, and bacons

Now even Cuba is sending a warship to Mexico, to protect Cuban citizens there.

Russia is preparing for the 300th anniversary of the founding of the Romanov dynasty.

The British Parliament, tired of unidentified but presumably German airships flying over their country without permission, is working on a bill to make it illegal for foreign aircraft to do so, on penalty of being shot down. Which doesn’t mean Britain actually has the capability of shooting them down.

Name of the Day -100: President pro tempore of the Senate, Sen. Augustus Octavius Bacon (D-Georgia).

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Today -100: February 12, 1913: Of parades, bribes, and amendments

The Inaugural Committee has ruled that the inaugural parade for Woodrow Wilson will include no women.

Five West Virginia legislators are arrested for taking bribes to vote for William Seymour Edwards (Progressive), a Republican former speaker of the House of Delegates, for US senator. It was actually Edwards who initiated the investigation, calling in the Burns Detective Agency.

Taft orders preparations for an invasion of Mexico, in case it’s needed to protect foreigners in the capital, which is currently the site of artillery battles.

The House Judiciary Committee postpones consideration of a constitutional amendment for a single 6-year presidential term (now written to exempt Roosevelt, Taft and Wilson), leaving it to the next Congress. The idea will never be heard of again.

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Today -100: February 11, 1913: These rough notes and our dead bodies must tell the tale

Congress votes to make it a federal crime to import booze into dry states.

The House adopts a bill banning inter-racial marriage in the District of Columbia. There isn’t even a debate.

Gen. Félix Díaz issues an ultimatum to Pres. Madero to resign. He says he wants nothing for himself but will back “any strong man” for the presidency.

The news that Scott of the Antarctic and his expedition all died last March is now known to the world and not just to the penguins. Scott’s last message concludes, “Had we lived, I should have had a tale to tell of the hardiness, endurance, and courage of my companions, which would have stirred the heart of every Englishman. These rough notes and our dead bodies must tell the tale”.

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Today -100: February 10, 1913: Of marches, revolts, and god-fearing Germans

Headline of the Day -100: “March 400 Miles, Slay 200.” Portuguese troops in Mozambique do the marching, in order to kill rebels who killed some settlers. As was the custom.

A military revolt in Mexico, led by Gen. Félix Díaz, who some scamp cadets release from prison. The presidential palace is under siege with President Madero inside.

Kaiser Bill says “We Germans fear God and nothing else in the world.” He says Prussia was conquered by Napoleon because it had lost its faith in God, and it unified Germany because it found that faith again.

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Today -100: February 9, 1913: Of face-painting, war balloons, thomases, lynchings, plants, and Smoot machines

The latest Paris fashion: face-painting. Mauve, terra-cotta, etc, to match one’s dress. Evening functions only. The article speculates that women are trying to look like “the hideous female types conjured up by the diseased imaginations” of Futurist and Cubist artists.

Headline of the Day -100: “Airship Startles Primitive African Cave Dwellers.” An Italian “war balloon” flying over Libya.

The NYT has a scoop: Woodrow Wilson’s first name is actually Thomas.

In Houston, Mississippi, a negro is lynched, burned to death, for the murder of a white woman. This is actually the second lynching in the case, one day after a mob hanged an innocent – but equally black – man. This time they brought a court stenographer and carefully “questioned” the man before putting him on the pyre.

Theodore Roosevelt comes out in support of the Bulgarians against the Turks.

British suffragettes attack Kew Gardens, breaking greenhouse panes. Many rare plants bravely lose their lives.

Discussing how the Mormon Church is scrambling to form connections with the Democrats after strongly backing Taft in the election (for example, Utah’s DNC member William R. Wallace just converted from Mormonism to Woodrow Wilson’s Presbyterian Church), the NYT refers to a “Mrs. Susan Young Gates, who is known as ‘the feminine end of the Smoot machine’”. I’ll bet she is, I’ll bet she is.

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Today -100: February 8, 1913: Of warships, rubber atrocities, dreadnoughts, and intermarriage

Pres. Taft sends warships to several parts of Central America, in the belief that there are plans for revolutions in every single country there (except Costa Rica), because of the election of Woodrow Wilson.

Pres. Taft sends a report to Congress on atrocities in the rubber industry in Peru (Indian debt slaves and just plain slaves are killed and mistreated, imagine that). The government of Peru promises to do better, sending troops and missionaries to the rubber-producing regions.

German’s secretary of the Navy, Admiral Alfred von Tirpitz, owner of a rather amusing beard, signals an acceptance in theory of a ratio of 16:10 between British and German dreadnoughts, potentially ending the naval arms race of the last few years.

Washington State bans inter-racial marriages unless both people are American citizens (in other words, it’s aimed at stopping Japanese men from marrying white women).

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Today -100: February 7, 1913: Of inspections

Some time ago one August Wolter was thrown out of the German military, allegedly for being mentally deficient. So he sends a telegram (possibly delivered it himself, dressed as a telegraph messenger, depending on whose version you believe) supposedly from the kaiser to the military governor of Strasbourg, saying he would be arriving that day for inspection. 18,000 soldiers hastily polish their boots and bayonets and line up; there’s a Zeppelin overhead and everything. Hilarity ensues.

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Every member of Congress needs to get on board

Lindsey Graham defends Obama on drones: “Every member of Congress needs to get on board.” I’m all in favor of strapping every member of Congress to a flying killer robot, but where do we drop them? Outer Mongolia? The center of the Sun? Suggestions in comments, please.

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Today -100: February 6, 1913: Of boxing, assassinations, disestablishment, and dog brains

The New York State Athletic Commission bans inter-racial boxing.

An attempt by several farmers with machetes to assassinate the president of El Salvador, Manuel Araujo, leaves him fatally wounded (he will die in five days).

Parliament votes to disestablish the Anglican Church in Wales. The opposition to this is, of course, called antidisestablishmentarianism. (Do children on playgrounds still whisper to each other in awed tones of this semi-mythical longest word in the English language?) After the bill is passed, Welsh MPs start singing the Welsh national anthem, Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau, the first known instance of singing in the House of Commons.

Headline of the Day -100: “Put Dog’s Brain in a Man.” Doctors at the University Hospital in Ann Harbor, Mich., evidently stick a dog’s brain in place of the abscessed part of the brain of a W. A. Smith of Kalamazoo. Surgeons say he has a good chance to recover, yes he does, yes he does.

(A story two days later says it wasn’t an actual dog brain, it was the dura [outer membrane] of a dog’s brain.)

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Today -100: February 5, 1913: Of pepper, islands, and dead explorers

British Cabinet ministers receive letters from suffragettes containing red pepper. Hilarity ensues.

William Jennings Bryan, widely and correctly rumored to be the next secretary of state, will visit the Isle of Pines, Cuba, possibly to support the campaign of the Americans who own most of that island to get the United States to annex it. The Cuban government is thinking about using it as a penal colony for the rebels captured during the “negro revolt.”

The widow of Capt. Scott, the Antarctic explorer, not knowing that she’s a widow, has left Los Angeles for a steamer trip to New Zealand where she thinks she will be reunited with her husband.

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Today -100: February 4, 1913: Even Says ‘Damn’

After a two-month armistice in the Balkan War and despite the negotiating positions of both sides being ridiculously close, the fighting resumes. Information is likely to be even spottier this time, now that all sides are banning war correspondents.

Delaware becomes the 36th state to ratify the, now, 16th Amendment, authorizing a national income tax (Wyoming and New Mexico follow suit later in the day). This is the first change in the Constitution in 43 years. Congress passed an income tax bill in 1893 which taxed all income over $5,000 per year, which just so happened to be the annual salary of a United States congressman, but it was declared unconstitutional, since the Constitution said that such taxes could only be allocated between the states based on population.

Cornered by a NYT reporter and asked about his Cabinet picks, Woodrow Wilson says “I am not here to amuse the newspapers” and that he is doing what is best for the country and if the newspapers expect him to do anything else, “I’ll be damned if I will.” NYT sub-hed: “...Even Says ‘Damn.’”

The California Legislature votes to ask Congress to ban Asian immigrants. Just one legislator objected, saying that orange growers need Japanese workers.

Congress bumps the pay of military officers assigned to the Aviation Corps 20%, presumably because of the rather high mortality among military aviators recently.

Sports Headline of the Day -100: “Lord Will Not Come to Yankees.” Harry Lord.

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Today -100: February 3, 1913: Of wars

The current issue of McClure’s asks whether the US will ever fight Japan. No, no it won’t.

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Today -100: February 2, 1913: Of amendments, wars civil, crown jewels, rats, and retired cows

The Senate votes 47-23 (the necessary 2/3) for a constitutional amendment for a single, six-year presidential term. If ratified by the states, Wilson’s term would be extended.

Switzerland is making military preparations in anticipation of a possible war between France and Germany, but that’s just crazy talk.

Rep. Charles Edwards (D-Georgia) proposes making “The War Between the States” the official legal designation for the Civil War.

A suffragette smashes a case holding the crown jewels in the Tower of London. All royal palaces are now closed to the public.

Male college students plan to release mice and rats during the women’s suffrage parade in DC next month, because hilarious.

Headline of the Day -100: “Taft Cow on Retired List.”

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Contraception convolution

Obama’s latest compromise on contraception insurance coverage, while seemingly ok from a pragmatic standpoint (I don’t have the energy to examine its convolutions, which seem to be designed to make it too complicated for the warriors against women to be able to explain why they’re outraged by it, and good luck with that), still accepts the principle that the religious/ideological views of employers have some sort of relevance to how the health needs of their employees are addressed. They do not. That is all.

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Today -100: February 1, 1913: Of pretty uniforms and golf courses

Headline of the Day -100: On reports that Rosalie Jones, who was to have lead another women’s suffrage pilgrimage, this one from New York to DC, arriving in time for Wilson’s inauguration, has had a nervous breakdown: “GLOOM IN SUFFRAGE CAMP.; Hear Gen. Jones Has Broken Down, but Pretty Uniforms Cheer Them Up.”

British suffragettes are now attacking golf courses, burning “Votes for women” onto putting greens with acid and the like. Now they’ve gone TOO FAR!

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