Patient fires are extremely rare

So, according to the Post, earlier this year Pat Robertson opposed Bush’s “faith-based” initiative, saying it could finance cults that brainwash people. You already know the punch-line to this one, don’t you?

At the Labour Party convention, Clinton finally mentioned the great unmentionable of American politics, the 2000 elections, saying that Bush won fair and square, 5 votes to 4 in the Supreme Court. What’ll be the reaction here, shitstorm or ignored completely?

(Later): it wasn’t mentioned in the NY Times story on the speech.

The EPA has given up trying to require the chemical industry to safeguard itself against terrorist attacks. Did I mention last week that these are the people who won’t tell the poisoned thousands in Bhopal what they were poisoned with? Because without chemical companies, evil itself would be impossible.

The Iraqi VP says that Bush and Hussein should fight a duel. Ok by me. I’m thinking something like the fish-slapping dance in Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

The US succeeds in stopping UN inspections of Iraq going ahead under the old rules. Since when does one country get the UN to stop enforcing its own resolutions under its own rules, which have not been changed? UN policy keeps melding seamlessly into US implementation, with no sense that there are any rules at all governing its operation. How does one take the UN seriously?

Speaking of inspection of weapons of mass destruction, this week marks the 16th anniversary of Israel’s kidnapping of Mordechai Vanunu. Israel has refused to sign any international agreement regulating the use of nuclear weapons, non-proliferation, the test ban treaty, etc, but gets $3 billion in US aid per year despite the Symington Accord which outlaws aid to countries developing nuclear weapons outside of international agreements.

I thought the Libertarian listed on the Calif. ballot as “ferret legalization coordinator” was good, but in Montana, their candidate for Senate is blue, which is what happens when you drink colloidal silver (and it’s permanent). If you’re wondering, there is also a Green candidate.

Pyongyang has no traffic lights, according to the News Hour. So forget about the axis of evil, it’s the intersections that’ll get you.

American soldiers in Afghanistan have been given laminated cards, helpfully suggesting responses to journalists’ questions. For example:

"How do you feel about what you're doing in Afghanistan"?

Answer: "We're united in our purpose and committed to achieving our goals."

"How long do you think that will take?" Answer: "We will stay here as long as it takes to get the job done - sir!"


Israel stages a practice drill for kidnapping Arafat and dumping him in the Libyan desert.

Finally, Republicans who care about the right of every vote to be counted. In NJ, they are complaining that replacing Torricelli on the ballot would affect the rights of military servicemen who have already voted by absentee ballot. Of course that would only affect those who voted for Torricelli, so the R’s are actually supporting the rights of D’s to vote, isn’t that self-sacrificing of them?

If you’ve spent any time on the web at all this week, you’ve seen what a study claims is the world’s funniest joke, which isn’t especially funny and you’ve all heard it before, so here’s the world’s lamest joke, according to the same study:

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo who?”
“Don’t cry!”

The study indicates that in animal jokes, ducks are the funniest animals. Here are some more jokes, by nation:

Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Germany (no, really)

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

France

An alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”