Comfortable in his own mind

On the trip back from Jordan, Stephen Hadley admitted to reporters that the leaked memo was his, but said it didn’t affect the summit, and Maliki, “a really class act,” didn’t knee him in the groin even once.

He said Bush would react to the Baker Commission report (by the way, Bush this morning referred to the Iraq Study Group as, I’m paraphrasing slightly, a bunch of guys outside of government; he no longer ever says the name James Baker out loud, just as he avoided using Kerry’s name during the election campaign) in weeks rather than months. “It’s really going to be when the President is comfortable in his own mind”. That is an example of a straight line so pure and perfect, the Platonic ideal of a straight line, if you would, that it would be unnecessary, redundant and even a little cheap to respond to it.

Prodded to provide a little “color” about the summit, Hadley admitted that the table was rectangular, but, consummate diplomat that he is, evaded the questions, “Were there peanuts?” and “Did you have Coke, or what did you do?”

Speaking of having coke, a guy in Florida smoked some crack and decided to go skinny dipping. An alligator tried to eat him. There’s probably some sort of lesson in there somewhere.

So this 17-year-old high school student is given one of those dolls that teaches you what a pain in the ass babies are the responsibilities of parenthood. A few minutes later she’s driving along on the I-580, and the thing suddenly starts crying. She’s startled, bounces off the guard rail and hits a pickup truck. “When officers arrived, she was still caring for the baby,” according to a CHP officer, but didn’t have a driver’s license. There’s probably some sort of lesson in there somewhere.

The pope, visiting Turkey, attempted to make amends for saying bad things about Islam by visiting a mosque. He promptly burst into flames. There’s probably some sort of lesson in there somewhere.

Bush meets Maliki: This business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all

Mikhail Gorbachev is in hospital with a blocked artery in his neck. He was crushed to learn that he was no longer important enough for Putin to have assassinated.

By the way, just how much of London did Putin have irradiated to kill one guy?

Read Andrew Cohen’s op-ed piece in the WaPo on the Guantanamo kangaroo courts.

Bush and Maliki finally met in Amman. Stephen Hadley was also present. That must have been awkward. But none of that awkwardness was displayed in Maliki’s expression or body language.





Bush and Maliki had a press conference.



After the mysterious leaking of the Hadley memo, Bush went out of his way to praise Maliki as “the right guy for Iraq” and “a strong leader.” Really? In what way is he strong? Or a leader?

Actually, a reporter asked him that (and with Maliki standing right there): “what gives you such confidence today to think that he can achieve what he hasn’t done over the last six months?” Bush said, “The first thing that gives me confidence is that he wants responsibility. A sign of leadership is for somebody to say, I want to be able to have the tools necessary to protect my people. One of his frustrations with me is that he believes we’ve been slow about giving him the tools necessary to protect the Iraqi people.” In other words, he’s actually a weak leader, who needs to be “given” tools. Or, in the word de jour, “accelerating” his capacity. Indeed, “As opposed to saying, America, you go solve the problem, we have a Prime Minister who’s saying, stop holding me back, I want to solve the problem.”



I won’t have much to say about Maliki’s remarks, which appear in the transcript as badly-translated bluster: “So everybody who is trying to make Iraq their own influences appear on the account of the Iraqi people needs to recalculate for it will not happen.” One can only hope Bush and Maliki’s translators did a better job. On the other hand, badly-translated bluster may be the only language Bush speaks fluently.

Bush: “I know there’s a lot of speculation that these reports in Washington mean there’s going to be some kind of graceful exit out of Iraq... this business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all.” Is there anyone who actually expects a graceful exit from Iraq? Marines performing grandes pliés while holding on to the runners of helicopters taking off from the embassy roof, perhaps?



Asked about a time limit on meeting his goals, Bush helpfully said, “As soon as possible. But I’m realistic, because I understand how tough it is inside of Iraq.” Which is why 500 miles away in Jordan is as close as he’s gonna get. “No question it’s a violent society right now. He knows that better than anybody. He was explaining to me that occasionally the house in which he lives gets shelled by terrorists who are trying to frighten him.”

All time tables do, he said, “is set people up for unrealistic expectations.” And if there’s one thing Bush never sets people up for, it’s unrealistic expectations.



Finally, Bush demonstrated his sophisticated understanding of the Middle East: “Well, first of all, there’s no question that if we were able to settle the Palestinian-Israeli issue, it would help bring more peace to the Middle East.” “I believe it’s in the Palestinian people’s interest that they have their own state.” He even has advice for Condi to bring to Olmert and Abbas: “My advice is, support reasonable people and reject extremists.”

I always thought Bill Frist’s centeredness was fueled by the still-dripping heart of a kitten

Bill Frist will not be running for president. According to his statement, “We will seek the best opportunity to serve mankind.” OH MY GOD! IT’S A COOKBOOK!! A COOKBOOK!!!

Every recipe in which begins “First catch your kitten...”

He says he will “stay actively involved in formulating innovative solutions to the seemingly insurmountable problems that face Americans every day,” such as “the threat of radical Islam.” I’m looking forward to hearing his innovative solution to the threat of radical Islam, aren’t you?

He says, “I, of course, will immediately resume my regular medical mission trips as a doctor around the world to serve those in poverty, in famine, and in civil war. That is where my centeredness is fueled.” Say, I can think of a civil war I’d like to send him to. Just to fuel his centeredness, of course...

Also, why does he need to take trips around the world? Can’t he just diagnose them on video?

The Hadley memo

The NYT prints all of Stephen Hadley’s Nov. 8 secret memo on the conclusions he formed on his trip to Iraq. Maliki, who has been known to call Bush up in a panic asking to be reassured that the US still backs him, will be reading this right before what I’m guessing will be a rather awkward meeting with Bush.

The big surprise is that the memo blames everything on George Bush. Wasn’t it brave of Hadley to write this about his boss?: “The information he receives is undoubtedly skewed by his small circle of... advisers, coloring his actions and interpretation of reality. His intentions seem good when he talks with Americans... [b]ut the reality on the streets of Baghdad suggests [he] is either ignorant of what is going on, misrepresenting his intentions, or that his capabilities are not yet sufficient to turn his good intentions into action.” OK, I probably didn’t fool any of you, that was about Maliki not Bush, but I think I made my point.

The “Steps Maliki Could Take” section includes:

The Clintonesque: “Announce an overhaul of his own personal staff so that ‘it reflects the face of Iraq.’”

The humorous: “Demand that all government workers... publicly renounce all violence for the pursuit of political goals as a condition for keeping their positions.” Because they might associate with militias and death squads, but they wouldn’t, you know, lie.

The fantastical: “appoint... nonsectarian, capable technocrats in key service (and security) ministries.” For fifty years, US officials have said that what Latin American, African, Asian, etc countries need is to be run by technocrats, near-mythical beings whose only goal in life is to make the railroads/sewers/banking systems etc run properly. I’m not saying there are no technocrats, I’m saying there are maybe 6 in Iraq.

Stay the course: “Declare that Iraq will support the renewal of the UN mandate for multinational forces”.

Tear everything down and start over: “Declare the immediate suspension of suspect Iraqi police units and a robust program of embedding coalition forces into MOI [Ministry of the Interior] units while the MOI is revetted and retrained.”

The “What We Can Do To Help Maliki” section mostly involves building up his image: “let Maliki take more credit for positive developments” (notice who is “letting” who take credit). But just when you’re thinking that this is the most realistic statement about Iraq you’ve seen from within the Bush administration, it suggests that the US can “help him form a new political base among moderate politicians from Sunni, Shia, Kurdish and other communities. Ideally, this base would constitute a new parliamentary bloc that would free Maliki from his current narrow reliance on Shia actors.” Total fantasy. Even if there were a sizeable constituency for such a party, how on earth could we create it (oh, wait, it says later on that “We would likely need to use our own political capital to press moderates to align themselves with Maliki’s new political bloc”; see, I knew there was a reasonable answer, we’d just use our political capi–- wait, our what now?) (also, money, and lots of it), and how would it grow and become strong enough to serve as the basis for a legitimate government without the existing parties, parliament and cabinet noticing, and doing something violent about it? It says that such a realignment could take place without an election (the next one isn’t scheduled until 2009), but it would require getting Sistani’s permission.

All of this would require Maliki to be much bolder (or you could say more foolhardy and quixotic) than he has appeared to be to date. My first impression of Maliki was that he was a blowhard, and I’ve seen nothing since then to alter that impression.

(Update: as I was writing, news came that the Maliki-Bush talks were postponed until tomorrow. Something’s up.)
(Updatier: Dan Bartlett explains: “I just said that [Maliki] had a meeting -- he had a bilateral earlier today with the King [of Jordan]; they had a very good conversation, and afterwards they felt, well, since we had good conversations, we addressed issues, there was not an agenda for the three for a trilateral that they felt was necessary.”)

Caption contest, Latvian style

Pictures from the NATO summit in Riga, for your captioning pleasure. The women are respectively Latvian President Vaira Vike-Freiberga (try saying that five times fast), German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and an unidentified scary black chick.

Wherein I must allude to disemboweling, and not the fun kind of disemboweling

So I’m reading down the table of contents page for Wednesday’s Independent, and there’s this lovely headline from Afghanistan: “Disembowelled, Then Torn Apart: The Price of Daring to Teach Girls.” In one of those speeches in the Baltics yesterday, Bush bragged that there are now 2 million girls being taught in Afghanistan, whereas under the Taliban there were 0. I’m pretty sure he didn’t say anything about the whole disemboweling thing. (If you read the article you may notice a similarity between the description of what the Taliban did to one of the four teachers they killed in Ghazni and what the French did to Robert Damiens in 1757 for the attempted regicide of Louis XV) (only with motorbikes instead of horses).

Anyway, on the Indy’s contents page, that story is followed by a palate-cleanser, “Bollywood Breathes Sigh of Relief as Idol Is Cleared of Bombing,” and then it’s on to “Five Young Girls Killed in US Attack on Iraqi Insurgents.” Let’s stop presenting our military adventures as acts of feminist liberation, is all I’m saying.

The Guardian also has a long article on the position of women in Afghanistan.

Following Bush on his expedentions abroad

Like Stephen Hadley, Bush today referred to Iraq as being in a “phase” rather than a civil war. A phase of what, he didn’t say. Phase of the moon, phasers on stun, whatever. He’s putting a lot of emphasis on who started the “phase” (“There’s a lot of sectarian violence taking place, fomented, in my opinion, because of these attacks by al Qaeda, causing people to seek reprisal”), which wouldn’t be particularly relevant to stopping it even if he were right. He says, “You know, the plans of Mr. Zarqawi was to foment sectarian violence. That’s what he said he wanted to do.” “[W]e’ve been in this phase for a while,” since the Samarra bombing (everything was going perfectly in Iraq until February), which was intended by Al Qaida “to create sectarian violence, and it has. The recent bombings were to perpetuate the sectarian violence.” That’s funny, because I thought all those things actually were sectarian violence. He seems to think that violence and civil war is an end in itself to the bad guys, forgetting that some people actually prefer to finish wars.

Bush grudgingly admits that he can’t really object to Iraqi leaders talking to Iranians: “Iraq is a sovereign nation which is conducting its own foreign policy. They’re having talks with their neighbors. And if that’s what they think they ought to do, that’s fine. I hope their talks yield results. One result that Iraq would like to see is for the Iranians to leave them alone.”

He praises Estonia for being a COW (Coalition of the Willing) country: “And the interesting contribution that a country like Estonia is making is that, people shouldn’t have to live under tyranny. We just did that; we don’t like it.”

Asked about the Russian attempts to subjugate Georgia, Bush is clearly bored with the whole subject, unwilling to criticize Putin, and may possibly have forgotten a few words into his answer which conflict he’d been asked about: “Precisely what we ought to do is help resolve the conflict and use our diplomats to convince people there is a better way forward than through violence. We haven’t seen violence yet. The idea is to head it off in the first place.”

In Latvia, he said that “Europe no longer produces armed ideologies that threaten other nations with aggression and conquest and occupation,” while lauding NATO’s armed occupation of Afghanistan in the name of freedom and the transformation of NATO into an “expedentiary” alliance, and he demanded that members increase their military budgets so they can participate in these, um, expedentions I guess.

Mortis

Bananas redux

I seem to be unable to leave the idea of the humor inherent in the word banana alone today, so here is a column from the October 29 1997 London Times, by Matthew Parris:

Blair’s eloquence slips on a banana skin

Yesterday Tony Blair said “banana” in the Commons.

It sounded odd from this Prime Minister: somehow beneath his dignity. The leader’s Brighton speech had been a triumph. “Vision ... passion ... the British soul ... beacon to the world ...” had echoed round the hall. “Fear lost. Hope won. The giving age began!” he had cried. “Britain! A young country!”

Now here he was, looking tired, minus yet more tufts of hair, and saying “banana”. Not the giving banana, the young banana or the beacon banana. Just banana.

The occasion was a statement to the Commons on the conclusion of the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting. Mr Blair began gurgling away in grand style: “Delighted to welcome Commonwealth Heads ... my thanks to the people of Scotland...” he gushed.

“Warmth of Her Majesty’s reception ... Economic Declaration on ‘Promoting Shared Prosperity’ ... Harare Declaration of 1991", the Prime Minister rumbled, as the capital letters rolled. “Arrangements for African, Caribbean and Pacific ...”

But oops! What was this? We sensed a tiny frisson of alarm ruffle Mr Blair’s composure as his eye caught the next word. He almost gulped. “... banana exporters.” He said “banana” very quickly and rather quietly, anxious to move on. Mr Blair soon recovered his dignity and his capital letters. “Code of Good Practice ... South Asia Regional Fund ... every Highly Indebted Poor Country ...” But once you have heard a person say “banana”, a sliver of the awe in which you had held them is lost, never to be recovered. Something similar happened when John Gummer said “porpoise” at the dispatch box, twice, in 1993.

And there was more to come. Perhaps in some schoolboy pact to make Blair say “banana” as much as possible, Tory backbenchers kept asking him about the Caribbean. John Wilkinson (C, Ruislip Northwood) demanded to know how the Prime Minister would “safeguard the banana regime”. Blair refused to say “banana regime” but could not avoid saying “banana” once again in his reply.

Bowen Wells (C, Hertford and Stortford) leapt up. Did he understand the importance of this fruit to Commonwealth nations? “Economies,” said Blair, pained, “that are completely dependent on, er, one particular, er, form of produce ...”

A new phase characterized by this increasing sectarian violence that requires us obviously to adapt to that new phase

Today Bush signed the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, which somehow I hadn’t heard of before, which classifies as terrorism, and increases the penalties for, any acts against “animal enterprises” (i.e., companies that use or sell animals) which reduce their profits, including non-violent acts such as blockades, trespassing, freeing animals, “threats,” etc. Terrorism.

Actually, acts of animal terrorism are committed twice daily in my home when I give my cat her pills, although she and I might have differing ideas about which of us is committing the terrorist acts.

The White House website also informs us that Thursday is “National Methamphetamine Awareness Day.” So don’t forget to be aware of meth on Thursday. The proclamation informs us that “Chronic use can lead to violent behavior, paranoia, and an inability to cope with the ordinary demands of life”... oh, you’re all way ahead of me, aren’t you?

NBC has decided to use the term “civil war” to describe the situation in Iraq. Did they even consider my compromise alternative, “crapfest”?

National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley disagrees, but does say that “We’re clearly in a new phase characterized by this increasing sectarian violence that requires us obviously to adapt to that new phase”. Not very Ken Burns-y, is it? Cue plaintive violin music: “My dearest Martha: this new phase characterized by this increasing sectarian violence that requires us obviously to adapt to that new phrase drags on, and I grow weary...”

Hadley continued, “Obviously, everyone would agree things are not proceeding well enough or fast enough.” You’ll notice the word “enough” assumes that things are in fact proceeding in the right direction and at a measurable pace.

He also said that while “there’s been a lot of discussion within the American press about the need to adapt our strategy, a lot of discussion about Baker-Hamilton, a lot of discussion on talk shows... it’s important, I think, for the President to send the message to Prime Minister Maliki that while he is listening to all of these voices for ideas, is open to ideas, that in the end of the day to reassure Prime Minister Maliki that it is the President who will be crafting the way forward on Iraq”. Yes, George W. Bush crafting the way forward, how... reassuring.

At that briefing, Tony Insert-Snow-Related-Pun-Here denied that there was a civil war in Iraq because it was not, he said, a battle for territory. “What you do have is sectarian violence that seems to be less aimed at gaining full control over an area than expressing differences”. Expressing differences. Like a letter to the editor, but slightly more horrific.

Robin Wright and Thomas Ricks of the WaPo say, without sourcing or further explanation, that Cheney was in fact “basically summoned” by Saudi Arabia.

Bush, meanwhile, was in Estonia today, meeting with Estonian President Herman Munster.



Everyone assumes that Alexander Litvinenko received the fatal dosage of radiation poisoning in that London sushi restaurant from an agent of Putin, but has anyone asked whether he ordered the Godzilla sushi?

In Ecuadoran presidential elections, Rafael Correa defeats “pro-American banana tycoon” Alvaro Noboa. I don’t have any analysis of that, I just wanted to be able to say “pro-American banana tycoon.”

“Banana magnate” is also funny.

“Banana baron.”

Really, anything in the whole banana area is amusing.

Banana banana banana.

Just saying.

They want to drag you all into angry reactions

Maliki went on Iraqi tv again, to issue a joint statement with Talabani and the speaker of parliament declaring that the civil war is the result of lack of unity. No shit. “The terrorist acts,” they say, “are a reflection of the lack of political consensus.” Again I say: no shit. “Do not let those who are depriving you of security impinge on your unity. They want to drag you all into angry reactions.” Well, Iraqis are displaying a certain unity in that they’re all reacting angrily.

For example, the Iraqis who stoned Maliki’s motorcade when he ventured into Sadr City yesterday to visit the families of victims of Thursday’s violence. Shiite victims, of course; he wouldn’t have dared visit Sunnis.



Er, isn’t the “thumbs up” sign considered obscene in Iraq?

We’ve requested the Americans not to do it again

The London Sunday Times (no one else seems to have this story) says that the bombing of that Pakistani madrassa last month, killing 82, was actually carried out by American warplanes, but according to its source, described by the paper as a key aide to Gen. Musharraf, “there was a lot of collateral damage and we’ve requested the Americans not to do it again.” So that’s okay then.

New York police shot up some people leaving a bachelor party at a strip club, killing the groom. They say they were acting to “prevent an incident.” I don’t know, shooting 54 bullets at a car full of people seems to me rather like an “incident.” As always with one of these incidents, nearly as horrifying as the number of rounds let off is the number which missed. It sounds like the cops hit the target – a car which was no longer moving – only 21 times, while hitting a lot of other cars and an apartment window.

Cheney’s visit to Saudi Arabia is now concluded, and no one will say what he actually discussed with the members of the royal family he met, although it is suggested that he asked them to rein in the Sunni insurgents in Iraq. It’s news to me that the House of Saud actually has that sort of influence, and possibly it was news to them as well (the Sindy refers to Riyadh’s “tribal connections” to the militias).


Cheney doesn’t do the hand-holding thing, you’ll notice.

In a WaPo article on the Iraq Study Group, Robin Wright quotes one of the “experts” as saying that James Baker “doesn’t tolerate fools.” Of course he doesn’t.

Breaking curfew

A mention of this on today’s Now Show reminds me that I forgot to relay the story that the manufacturers of “Welsh Dragon Sausage” are in trouble with the trading standards people because the name inadequately describes the product. As the Now Show put it, the dragons from which the sausage is made are not in fact Welsh.

Iraqi President Talabani says that an emergency security conference was a success. Hurrah! Evidently, “All parties agreed on the importance of working together and really participating in Nouri Maliki’s government of national unity.” Gosh, I’m sure everything will be fine now. I don’t know why no one thought of holding a pointless conference in order to mouth platitudes before now.


New White House spokesmodel Scott Stanzel says that this certainly isn’t a civil war (“We’re constantly asked that question, and while the situation is serious, Prime Minister Maliki and President Talabani have said they do not believe it is a civil war.”), but all this killing and shit is bad. “It is an outrage that these terrorists are targeting innocent civilians in a brazen effort to topple a democratically elected government.” You’re missing the point, Little Scotty II: no one needs to topple the “government” because it is irrelevant. Also, of course, the militias are associated with the parties and politicians who constitute the government – any day I’m expecting to read about a firefight between the Health Ministry and the Ministry of Education – with the difference that the militias can actually get things done, albeit evil things. The government can’t fill in potholes; the militias can, but, like those Welsh Dragon Sausages, you really don’t want to know what they’re filled with.

Sorry. I made that joke but even I was grossed out by it.

I’ve read several stories about Iraq today that begin like this one: “Defying a government curfew, Shiite militiamen stormed Sunni mosques in Baghdad and a nearby city on Friday, shooting guards and burning down buildings...” Etc, etc. Every one of these stories insists, for some reason, on mentioning along with all the other atrocities, the wanton disregard of the curfew. Does their wickedness and perfidy know no bounds? Did they also run any red lights on their way to pour kerosine on Sunnis and burn them alive?

There was an exception to the Baghdad curfew, according to the BBC: “The only vehicles allowed out were those carrying the coffins of Thursday’s bombing victims.” So, um...

Provocation

My theory: Cheney was supposed to make a “surprise” Thanksgiving visit to Iraq, but cancelled when they started setting off car bombs every 15 minutes.

While the authorities in Britain are deciding how to perform an autopsy on Alexander Litvinenko without killing everyone in the room, Putin denounces the late Litvinenko’s statement blaming him for his murder, saying “It’s extremely regrettable that such a tragic event as death is being used for political provocation.” So maybe you shouldn’t have had him killed, huh Vlad?

Speaking of provocations, here are some more London Review of Books (LRB) personal ads:

Young, charming, thoughtful, attractive, sporty, zesty, intelligent. None of these are me, but if you’d like to spend an afternoon or more considering alternative adjectives to be applied to 53-year old cantankerous dipshit, write now to box no 2202

I wrote this ad to prove I’m not gay. Man, 29. Not gay. Absolutely not. Box no. 2205

They don’t call me naughty Lola. They call me Brian. Brian, 57. Box no. 23/07

Normally I wait until I have more than that, but I thought I’d mention, for those looking for Xmas presents, that there is now a book of LRB personals (which I just ordered, but haven’t seen), They Call Me Naughty Lola. (Mysteriously, that Amazon.com page thinks the book should be bought along with “Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House.”) Or for free there’s always my own compilation page, currently experiencing a small surge of Google popularity following an article Monday in the NYT on the LRB personals phenomenon.

I’m very sorry, fake sincerity. Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say that part out loud?

Honestly I couldn’t give a shit about the Michael Richards incident, but I do wonder what is revealed about our society by this headline: “PR Expert to Help Richards Apologize.”

Or this one: “Iraq Logs 400 Casualties; Marines Enjoy Turkey.”

Speaking of turkeys, George Bush phoned ten members of the military to, I don’t know, tell them the story of Thanksgiving or something. I’m not sure who selected the ten lucky callees (2 from each service), if there was a whole team sifting through dossiers, or if a PR expert helped Bush apologize, but the White House did issue a picture of him making the calls.


One of my favorite actors, Philippe Noiret (Coup de Torchon, The Clockmaker of St. Paul, Life and Nothing But, Birgit Haas Must Be Killed, La Grande Bouffe, Cinema Paradiso, Zazie dans le Metro, etc etc), has died.

Breaking the horn of the big head

Just because he’s crazy doesn’t mean he’s wrong: Iranian President Ahmadinejad called Bush “evil.” And your point is? He said, “We will first have to break the horn of the big head so that justice can be done.” The Press Association helpfully explains that “To ‘break the horn of the big head’ is a Fares expression for blunting arrogant behaviour.” See if you can work it into the conversation around the Thanksgiving table.

The Dutch elections were spectacularly indecisive, with much horse-trading in the weeks to come. Which will presumably be opposed by the Party for Animals, which has won 2, possibly more seats of the 150, the first animal-rights party to win seats in a European parliament, or possibly anywhere else. Muslims are more unpopular in the Netherlands than animals are popular: the anti-immigrant “Party for Freedom” won 9 seats. I don’t know if the government prevented that being even higher by shamelessly poaching its Islamophobia last week when it announced plans to ban burqas.

Notice how all I really wanted to talk about there was the Party for Animals, but I had to include the other stuff so I wouldn’t seem shallow?

I don’t feel the need of an excuse to post some in-utero pictures of an elephant fetus at 12 months, still 10 months away from being born, from a tv program “Animals in the Womb,” airing in the US on the National Geographic Channel Dec. 10, and on Britain’s C4 sometime next month.

A very Chimpy Thanksgiving

Whoever writes Bush’s Thanksgiving proclamations is still mistakenly claiming that the first Turkey Day was “to thank God for allowing them to survive a harsh winter in the New World.” Dude, get out more: first autumn, then winter.

“Americans,” the proclamation says, “share a desire to answer the universal call to serve something greater than ourselves” – a humungous turkey. “Our citizens are privileged to live in the world’s freest country, where the hope of the American dream is within the reach of every person”: to eat more than their own body weight in turkey and pass out in front of the television.

“The Thanksgiving tradition dates back to the earliest days of our society, celebrated in decisive moments in our history and in quiet times around family tables.” Yes, after junior decisively announces that he’s gay, everyone sits around glaring at each other, not talking, just like the pilgrims did. “Thou art a what?”

“NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim Thursday, November 23, 2006, as a National Day of Thanksgiving. I encourage all Americans to gather together in their homes and places of worship with family, friends, and loved ones to reinforce the ties that bind us”. Oo, a kinky Thanksgiving. Excellent.

The People have spoken, and the national turkeys named: Flyer and Fryer. Mocking and spiteful and mean, that’s what that is.

Happy, happy home

The Minnesota Legislature which was just elected will have 70 women out of 201 members of both houses (53 D’s, 17 R’s), which is some sort of record. The state has also elected its first female US senator, Amy Klobuchnar. (Correction: its first elected female US senator. Hubert Humphrey’s wife Muriel was appointed to serve out the remainder of his term when he died in 1978.)

I’m too lazy to look up how many women Minnesota is sending to the US Congress, but I know that the first was Coya Knutson, elected 1954 after a term in the legislature. Knutson got into politics in part to get away from her drunken, physically abusive husband, who sabotaged her second re-election campaign in 1958 with an open letter entitled “Coya, Come Home,” which begged (and indeed, commanded) her to quit politics and “come back to our happy, happy home.” I just had to search for my clipping of her 1996 NYT obit to find a sentence about that letter which is mysteriously missing from the online version (Times Select): “Then, as Mrs. Knutson and the nation discovered, hell hath no fury like a jerk.” The Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party backed away from her, and she narrowly lost to one Odin Langen, whose not-at-all-condescending slogan was “A Big Man for a Man-Sized Job.” Coya did not come home, divorced the jerk, who drank himself to death, but her two attempts to return to Congress failed.

Surrounded

Bush, in Hawaii: “You know, one of the jobs of the President is to surround himself with smart, capable, strong people -- and I have done so in Condoleezza Rice.” Yes, he is surrounded by Condi. Not my idea of a good time, but to each their own.


His father, at a World Leadership Summit in Abu Dhabi, tells the audience how sad it makes him when his idiot son is criticized. The audience responded by criticizing his idiot son. “We do not respect your son. We do not respect what he’s doing all over the world,” said one woman, to what AP describes as whoops and whistles. “My son is an honest man,” said 41, “He is working hard for peace.” Says the idea that the US is trying to forcibly open markets for American corporations is “weird and it’s nuts”, and “How come everybody wants to come to the United States if the United States is so bad?”


Every year, the president pardons two turkeys, who are then sent to Disneyland – I’m not entirely sure the pilgrims would have approved – and every year the American public are called upon to vote to name the birds in question. This year the choices are Ben & Franklin, Plymouth & Rock, Washington & Lincoln, Corn & Copia, and Flyer & Fryer. Corn & Copia suggests that whoever’s job it is to come up with these names (Karen Hughes?) is running out of ideas, while Flyer & Fryer is just plain mean.

I believe that you, the residents of the WIIIAIosphere, can do better in coming up with names appropriate to The Year of Our Lord 2006. Consider this a contest. For extra credit, what is George Bush thankful for this Turkey Day?

As long as it takes

Tony Blair went on a surprise visit to Afghanistan, the other disaster. No, this one really was a surprise, it’s his first trip there since 2002. He said that “Afghanistan and its people deserve the chance to increase their prosperity and to live in a proper democratic state.” A “proper” democratic state, isn’t that just so British and adorable?

He said, “You have the same alternative you had five years ago. You either stick with it until the job is done, or you leave it to another generation. I am not prepared to do that.” He evidently saw no contradiction between that and something else he said repeatedly: “We have got to stay for as long as it takes.” And then he got on a plane and went home.

Aloha means hello, goodbye, and “The old bat’s trying to kill me, get her off, get her offfffff!”

You know what counts as a Thanksgiving bounty for a blogger? A choice between the photo sequence from Reuters or the one from the AP of George Bush on a stopover in Hawaii being strangled with a lei by a little old lady. I just can’t choose, so let’s have both.




(Burp) I am so stuffed with bloggy goodness right now.

How big is it?

Bush, who visited Brazil a year ago and observed, “Wow, Brazil is big,” is spending a few hours in Indonesia, of which he says, “I don’t think the American people understand how big Indonesia is.” Not big enough, however, that there was any part of it where he felt safe enough from protesters (and Elmo) to be willing to risk staying overnight. He said of the protests, which have been going on for days, “It’s a sign of a healthy society.” So even George Bush admits that anti-Bush protests are a sign of a healthy society.

Good

Announcing that the US had negotiated an agreement with Russia to support its entry into the WTO, he said it would be “good for the United States and good for Russia,” adding, two sentences later, as if we’d already forgotten, “I repeat, this is a good agreement for the United States. And it’s an equally important agreement for Russia. And it’s a good agreement for the international trading community.” So, it’s good, is that what you’re saying?

It’s not just that he has an under-sized vocabulary, but that he has an over-sized ego, and assumes (still) that our trust in his judgment is such that he doesn’t need to say a single word about why it’s “good” (which he doesn’t), and we’ll just take his word for it.

Here is Bush opening the trading session at the... wait for it... Ho Chi Minh City Securities Trading Center. It’s possible that when they told him he’d be hitting a gong, he was anticipating... something else.


Ah yes, that’s more like it. Here, he and John Howard hook up with those twins from the Mothra movies.


A particularly good episode in the new season of BBC radio’s The Now Show.

When in Hanoi

It’s so awkward when everyone shows up at work wearing the same thing.

Wow, that totally flatters his ass.

I am totally freeballing it under this thing.

Man, I coulda gone commando too.

This is, as Putin would say, totally a caption contest.

Conversing with God in Hanoi

“Miss Israel,” Yael Nezri, who is a private in the Israeli Army, has been given permission not to carry a rifle, because it bruises her legs, which interferes with her modeling career. I believe Dick Cheney used the same excuse to get out of Vietnam. And yes, I looked for pictures that showed her legs, bruised or unbruised – solely in the interests of in-depth news analysis, of course – but no luck.


It’s Sunday morning in Vietnam, and Bush went to a Catholic cathedral built by the French colonialists. Or as he modestly put it, “Laura and I just had a moment to converse with God in a church here in Hanoi.” Poor God, he must have figured Vietnam was the last place George would look for him. Bush went on, “And it’s our way of expressing our personal faith and, at the same time, urging societies to feel comfortable with, and confident in saying to their people, if you feel like praising God you’re allowed to do so in any way you see fit.” Then he paused, and added, “Well almost any way – run Katie Holmes, run!!!”

The president has been doing a lot of waving

Alberto Gonzales attacks not only the August federal district court ruling against warrantless eavesdropping (update: I have now seen the transcript, and he was actually attacking “some people” who see it as “on the verge of stifling freedom”), but “Its definition of freedom -- one utterly divorced from civic responsibility -- is superficial and is itself a grave threat to the liberty and security of the American people.” So, to review, being secretly spied on is a civic responsibility, freedom is a threat to liberty, and superficial critics of government surveillance fail to grasp the profundity of Freedom 2.0.

The military coup leader in Thailand is claiming support from Bush, because in Hanoi Bush told him he “understands” the situation, called it an “intervention” rather than a coup, and prattled something about understanding the difficult situation Gen. Surayud is in, because Bush is also in a difficult situation thanks to losing the mid-term elections. Which is odd, because his people spent the conference telling everyone who would listen that American foreign policy won’t be affected in the slightest by the elections.

David Sanger of the NYT notes that Bush chose not to see any part of Vietnam that wasn’t adorned with conference tables, floral arrangements and giant busts of Uncle Ho.

Mr. Bush’s national security adviser, Stephen J. Hadley, conceded that the president had not come into direct contact with ordinary Vietnamese, but said that they connected anyway.

“If you’d been part of the president’s motorcade as we’ve shuttled back and forth,” he said, reporters would have seen that “the president has been doing a lot of waving and getting a lot of waving and smiles.”

He continued: “I think he’s gotten a real sense of the warmth of the Vietnamese people and their willingness to put a very difficult period for both the United States and Vietnam behind them.”

Those Vietnamese must have been doing some very expressive waving, to convey all that.

A disaster? No, really? You do say.

In an interview on Al Jazeera, Tony Blair agrees with David Frost that Iraq has been a “disaster,” saying, “It has, but you see what I say to people is why is it difficult in Iraq? It’s not difficult because of some accident in planning, it’s difficult because there’s a deliberate strategy - al-Qa’ida with Sunni insurgents on one hand, Iranian-backed elements with Shia militias on the other - to create a situation in which the will of the majority for peace is displaced by the will of the minority for war.” That’s just so wonderfully Blairish, how he makes it sound like he’s offering some profound insight, when what he’s actually saying is just that war is a lot easier if no one fights back.

George Bush, meanwhile, is still in Hanoi, and honestly, if he just remembers which Koreans are the “good guys” and which ones are the “bad guys,” we’ll consider ourselves lucky. Fortunately, after meeting the South Korean president, Bush said, “We had a discussion like you would expect allies to have a discussion.” Sounds very alliancy.

The chimp and the tiger

Simultaneous news stories report that Britain and the Netherlands used torture techniques in the interrogation of Iraqi prisoners. In the case of the British military, which called the torture “conditioning,” the reports say that there were specific orders from high up, while a Dutch defense ministry spokesmodel claims that that was not the case with their torturers, and that although the incidents, which took place three years ago, were reported to the military police, the defense minister may, or on the other hand may not, even have been informed: “It happened a long time ago and you cannot remember everything.”

Those are words George W. Bush lives by every day, but especially so when visiting Vietnam, which he says “shows how hopeful the world can be and how people can reconcile and move beyond past difficulties for the common good.” Carpet bombing, Agent Orange, My Lai, you know, difficulties. He says his impression of Vietnam is, “it’s very hopeful” and “like a young tiger” (a hopeful young tiger, presumably), and that “In our drive through this beautiful city we were pleased to see thousands of your citizens with smiles on their faces. And we’re so grateful.” That it’s not 1969.


Speaking of grateful, he put a positive spin on John McCain’s 5½ years as a prisoner of war: “And one of the most poignant moments of the drive in was passing the lake where John McCain got pulled out of the lake. And he’s a friend of ours; he suffered a lot as a result of his imprisonment, and yet, we passed the place where he was, literally, saved, in one way, by the people pulling him out.” I hope McCain at least sent them a thank you note.

He also explained for the Australian press the meaning of the mid-term elections: “The elections mean that the American people want to know whether or not we have a plan for success”. How does that actually work, how do you vote for a question? Is Congress now dominated by the “Hey, Just Out of Curiosity, Do We Have, Like, a Plan for Success?” party?

And he praised Australia’s evil prime minister John Howard: “That’s why I’m so proud to have a partner like John Howard who understands it’s difficult to get the job done.”

To change the subject slightly, I went to the market and noticed that there are now something like 5,000 varieties of apple. When I grew up there were, I don’t know, red ones and green ones. They’ve succeeded in making apples complicated and confusing, and that’s just not right.

We’ll succeed unless we quit

The word being used to describe Trent Lott’s return to Republican leadership is “redemption.” John McCain, for example, said, “We all believe in redemption.” Just what is it that Lott is supposed to have done to redeem himself?

George Bush decided that Hanoi was the perfect place to talk about applying the lessons of the Vietnam War to Iraq. “We’ll succeed unless we quit,” he said, suggesting that the US hadn’t done enough to destroy the country whose guest he was. Around this time, the Vietnamese must have been sorry they didn’t have an even bigger bust of Ho Chi Minh to stick behind him as a reminder of just who kicked whose butt.

Today in censorship

Iran bans the novels The Da Vinci Code, Girl With a Pearl Earring, and Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying, among others.

China won’t ban Casino Royale, the first Bond movie ever permitted to play there.

Turkey has suspended military relations with France in retaliation for France banning Armenian Genocide denial.

In a suburb of Budapest where the town council suspended a newspaper and a tv station for alleged bias, the mayor has hired town criers. That’s what Iran needs: town criers ringing bells and reciting The Da Vinci Code.

I hated Iraqis

One of the rapists/mass murderers in the Mahmudiya incident, Spc. James Barker, has pled guilty and was sentenced to life or 90 years, whichever comes first. The judge asked why he did it. “I hated Iraqis, your honor.” This, to borrow a line from Atrios, has been another edition of simple answers to simple questions.

He went on: “They can smile at you, then shoot you in your face without even thinking about it.” I’m not sure if a guy who raped a 14-year-old girl, burned her body and killed her whole family should really be pointing fingers. Or possibly it was just the smiling that he objected to.

As an experiment, I’m using the labels feature of Beta Blogger for the first time, allowing you to read my previous posts on this incident. It’s an attractive feature, especially for a blog with 3,402 posts going back over a decade, a way to make those archives useful. I was looking back over some of my old Trent Lott posts just yesterday, for example. Good times, good times. But attaching labels to 3,402 posts seems very much like work. I’m also worried that republishing those posts, like I just did for the Mahmudiya posts, will be obnoxious for RSS users. Opinions? suggestions?

Contrary to what a lot of other people believe

I thought that Gen. Abizaid must not own a dress uniform, but no, yesterday he testified before the Senate Armed Services Committee in one, showing the committee the respect he failed on Monday to show the Iraqi prime minister, who he sorta praised to the committee: “I believe, contrary to what a lot of other people believe, that he is an Iraqi patriot”.



He also said that he didn’t think more American troops would be a good idea, but that they should step up “training” the Iraqis. Because those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach.

Last night, at the American Spectator’s annual dinner, Rumsfeld praised Milton Friedman, “who’s still going strong.” Within hours, Friedman was dead. Coincidence? I think not.

It’s still all about what you wear on your head

India and Pakistan have come to some sort of deal to share intelligence about terrorism (which no one thinks they’ll actually do) and to prevent an accidental nuclear war between the two countries, which is very important because that’s the most likely location for the planet’s next nuclear war. So it is perhaps a little sad that my reason for writing about it is to post these pictures of the Beating the Retreat ritual at the border (the Pakistani troops are in black), but these are the things a blogger is called upon to do.




And as long as we’re focusing on people in funny costumes, the Queen’s Speech was given today (yesterday she was at the premiere of Casino Royale, possibly in the same clothes; these are the things an octogenarian modern monarch is called upon to do).


Pakistan has moved to eliminate the death penalty and flogging for illicit sex, in favor of five-year prison sentences. Also, if you’ve heard that rape victims will no longer have to produce 4 male witnesses, you heard wrong. At the judge’s discretion, the case may be heard in a secular or sharia court, the latter retaining the nearly impossible evidence requirements. Whether victims who fail to make their cases will still be subject to adultery charges and those five-year jail terms, I’m not sure.

The “new” faces of the Republican party. I’m a very happy blogger right now.



Now for our poll of the day week month whenever I’m bored:

Which is the silliest ceremonial head covering?
	Those fan thingies on the soldiers' hats
	QE2's crown
	Trent's toupee
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Wherein is explained what the Republican party stands for

Yesterday Bush told Ken Mehlman that he had done “a whale of a job” as chair of the RNC, adding, “Of course it turned out he wasn’t so much a killer whale as a sperm whale, if you know what I mean.”

No? Well feel free to try your hand at responding to what he said two sentences later: “I appreciate the fact that you went to neighborhoods where Republicans have never been to talk to people about our message of ownership and hope.”

Mehlman will be replaced by Sen. Mel Martinez, who Bush says “represents what I believe our party stands for, and that is his parents put him on a plane to come to the United States from Cuba because they love freedom.”

Bush and Putin met during a refueling stop at Vnukovo International Airport. As ever when those two meet, Bush stares rapt into Putin’s soul eyes, while Laura stares into space, and Lyudmila Putin stares into existential despair.

What is happening is not terrorism

I’m not sure what definition of terrorism Iraqi PM Maliki is using, but it evidently doesn’t extend to today’s mass kidnapping from the Higher Education Ministry, according to remarks which were televised before the kidnappees were rescued: “What is happening is not terrorism, but the result of disagreements and conflict between militias belonging to this side or that.” Between militias? Possibly there is a Scientific Research and Grant Application Militia, and if so I’m sure it’s quite fierce, but if not, then this was an attack on civilians aimed at spreading terror. Whether a similar attack by a Sunni militia on a ministry run a Shiite party would have met Maliki’s strict standards for consideration as a terrorist act remains unclear. Maliki is acting increasingly openly as the front man and apologist for the Shiite militias.

Adnan Pachachi (remember him? me neither.) said of the kidnapping: “There is evidence of a systematic and very sad attempt to drain Iraq of its brains.” The Zombie Militia responded by issuing this press release: “Braaaaaains.”

Maliki & Abizaid talk about...

CentCom Gen. Abizaid put on his best Sunday-go-to-meeting camo fatigues to meet with Iraqi PM Maliki, sit in comical chairs, and discuss... things.


What things? There are two versions. The Iraqi government says the meeting was about how to counter Iranian and Syrian interference in Iraq and to “reaffirm” Bush’s commitment to success in Iraq, something which has to be done every few days because the Iraqis are just that needy and clingy and it doesn’t count if he reaffirms his commitment because they ask, oh no, it has to be “spontaneous,” and could it hurt to bring home some flowers or some nice chocolates every so often, and I see the way you look at that slut Afghanistan and...

Anyway, that was the official story. But other Iraqis leaked that it was for Abizaid to warn Maliki to disband Shiite militias, and ask him for a firm... wait for it... timetable for Iraqi security forces to take control of the country and proof that they’ll be able to handle it. That version of the talks sounds very stern and scoldy.

There is no official American line about what was discussed, which in the context of these Rashomonic competing unreliable narrators, suggests a willingness to have it be thought that Abizaid dressed Maliki down.

What on earth is Ed Meese doing on the Iraq Study Group?

The ideological struggle between extremists and radicals versus people who just simply want to live in peace

For George Bush today, it was all about the people who couldn’t get into his father’s country club: the blacks and the Jews. First he attended the groundbreaking of the Martin Luther King Jr National Memorial. What do you suppose Al Sharpton said to him?


Then he met with Israeli PM Olmert, who he said “cares deeply about securing the peace.” Evidently, the US and Israel are both “involved in an ideological struggle between extremists and radicals versus people who just simply want to live in peace”. Some ideologies are more complicated than other ideologies, I guess.


He explained American politics to Olmert: “You might realize the opposition party won, won the Senate and the House.” Doesn’t that make them no longer the opposition party? “And what’s interesting is, is that they’re beginning to understand that with victory comes responsibilities.” I seem to detect a touch of grim satisfaction that the Dems will now be stuck with the mess he created.

On Iraq, he explained, “I believe it is very important, though, for people making suggestions to recognize that the best military options depend upon the conditions on the ground.” Carl von Clausewitz, he ain’t.

Do not confuse the workings of American democracy with a lack of American will

Bush has said a couple of times this week, including in his weekly radio address, “I have a message for these enemies: Do not confuse the workings of American democracy with a lack of American will.” Now who would have given them the idea that a Democratic win was a sign of a lack of American will?

But what of the workings of Iraqi democracy? Remember how Iraq’s elections were followed by months and months of negotiations to form a government? Maliki thinks it’s time for a cabinet reshuffle.

The neocon retreat from the Iraq war comes with a lesson, according to Kenneth Adelman in that Vanity Fair article: “the idea of using our power for moral good in the world” is dead. Yes, that’s it, we’ve been too idealistic, really just too good and kind and decent for this wicked world, and it’s time to start looking out for number one.

Next time we go to war, we’re gettin’ us some oil, baby!

Happy Veterans Veterans’ Veteran’s Day

This may be a stupid question, but why was Bush celebrating Veterans Day at Arlington? Veterans Day is about living former service members; the dead ones have Memorial Day.



Possibly he went to visit the Tomb of the Unknown Punctuation Mark in which America buried the apostrophe that belongs in “Veterans Day.”

In Britain it’s called Armistice Day, and this is how the Queen spent it.

Awe and reverence

Atrios asks, about Iraq, “Isn’t there a wee contradiction between spreading freedom and democracy and turning a country into a terrorist battlefield?” It’s called multi-tasking.

This is, as you know, the Blog of Record, so occasionally I must risk boring y’all by repeating something every other blog has, in this case Bush saying that “years from now, when America looks out on a democratic Middle East growing in freedom and prosperity, Americans will speak of the battles like Fallujah with the same awe and reverence that we now give to Guadalcanal and Iwo Jima.” The only awe I feel is at the sheer scale of Bush’s assholery in making that comparison. What the hell does he think happened in Fallujah that we’d ever revere?

In that speech, at the dedication of the Marine Corps Museum, he also said that the Japanese on Iwo Jima “had learned from costly battles that they could not defeat American forces. Yet, they believed that by inflicting maximum casualties on our forces, they would demoralize our nation and make America tire of war.” Of course he’s really talking about Iraq. Iwo Jima was in 1945, the Japanese did not think they were going to “demoralize” the United States into cutting and running.

The alliterative Gen. Peter Pace (who should be made to follow Rumsfeld out the door) today defined “winning” downwards yet again, to “provid[ing] governments in Iraq and Afghanistan and elsewhere with enough security capacity to keep the [terrorist] acts below a level at which their governments can function.” Dare to dream, alliterative Peter Pace, dare to dream!

The problems haven’t gone away

Bush and Cheney met with Senators Harry Reid and Dick Durbin today. Afterwards, Bush said, “The elections are over, the problems haven’t gone away.” Reid and Durbin refrained from saying, “No kidding, dickwad, we just met with two of them.”

Speaking of dickwads, if I announce a caption contest, can I trust you people to refrain from pointing out that both Bush and Reid brought a Dick to the meeting?

Historic

Bush met with Nancy Pelosi, and even used her name, out loud and everything, something he never did when attacking her during the campaign. He noted that she will be the first woman Speaker: “This is historic for our country. And as the father of young women, it is -- I think it’s important.” I like how he’s pretending that the silver cloud in Republo-Thumpin’ 2006 is that it opens doors for Jenna and Not-Jenna to stumble drunkenly through, so it will all have been worth it.

(Conrad) Burns and (George) Allen both conceded today. Say goodnight, Gracie.

I’m sure that joke isn’t original, but it was still satisfying to say.

For more on Robert Gates’s history, see this David Corn article and this one by Robert Parry. Gates is probably the best nominee we could have expected from Bush, but that’s not exactly setting the bar high.

I’m not sure what sort of Iraq exit strategy Gates is supposed to be coming up with. I’ve been seeing a worrying number of people arguing, most recently Thomas Friedman in his column yesterday (Times Select is free this week, by the way, although you needn’t bother with the Friedman) for attempting one big final push before giving it up as a bad job.

Meant to mention a commercial I heard from Florida’s 16th district, where Mark Foley was still on the ballot. It was informing voters that to vote for his replacement, they had to “punch Foley.” I detected a slight hint of glee in the emphasis on “punch.”

America at its best

Some random thoughts:

Holy Joe Lieberman was never going to be named secretary of war. You don’t think the Bushies actually have any respect for their useful idiot, do you?

Wouldn’t it be nice if the “independent” the D’s in the Senate had to court was Bernie Sanders rather than Holy Joe?

In his intelligence and national security posts under the Reagan and Bush I administrations, Gates was responsible for 1) passing intel to aid Saddam in the Iran-Iraq War (and overriding Commerce Dept calls for restrictions on sales of high-tech military hardware to Iraq in 1990), 2) trying to orchestrate the overthrow of Saddam after the Gulf War. Flip flopper.

I’ll be interested to see if Gates’s Iran-Contra role comes up, or whether American amnesia has consigned that sordid chapter to the misty past, like the Thirty Years’ War and the Battle of Hastings.

Ed Feulner of the Heritage Foundation has a newspaper column entitled, “A Tour of Guantanamo Prison Shows America at its Best.” I’d hate to see America’s worst.

Congress doesn’t just have its first Muslim member, but also its first Buddhists, Hank Johnson, replacing Cynthia McKinney, and Mazie Hirono in Hawaii.

In some sort of web epidemic recently, many bloggers seem to have lost the ability to distinguish between “whose” and “who’s.”

Thank you for playing Posture Play-Off

Care and restraint

Israel shelled a town in Gaza, killing 19, most of them women and children. The White House promptly issues a statement calling for both sides to “act with care and restraint.” I’m pretty sure those dead Palestinians are as “restrained” as they could possibly be.

The most important job Rick Santorum will ever have

So a fellow blogger who may not wish to be named sent me this picture of Rick Santorum and some of his huge creepy family gathered around him as he conceded, much as they once gathered around the corpse of their brother who died a couple of hours after his premature birth and whom the Santorums brought home to meet the family anyway.


At first I didn’t think I could post it because I would feel obligated to make fun of his... emotive 8-year old daughter Sarah with the doll wearing the same ugly dress she is, and like a sport fisher I generally like to throw the little Republicans back so I can mock them when they get bigger. Then I ran across this Santorum campaign ad featuring the Santorum children, and figured they were more or less fair game. Also, looking at some more pictures, I realized... she’s faking it.



If your face looks like that, but there is not a single tear, you are acting (also, you’d turn away from the crowd). Now, whether she figures that’s how she’s supposed to react, or she was given specific instructions to weep for the camera, I cannot say. Her brother, who is just old enough to remember the fetus incident, seems to have no trouble crying on cue.


Last year, Little Ricky published a book called It Takes a Family. Which is actually not a riposte to Hillary Clinton but, I believe, the last part of the old adage, “To err is human, but to really fuck someone up...” In that ad, little Sarah says that Rick always tells them that being their dad is the most important job he’ll ever have. I think we can agree that he’s just as good a dad as he was a senator.

(Update: Bob provides us with the theme song of the altogether ooky Santorum family [though personally I think Rick more resembles Fred Munster].)

Bush press conference: This enemy’s not going away after my presidency

Bush admits the election’s cumulative effect was a “thumpin’” for his side. Thump thump thump thump heh.

He said he’d offered to give Nancy Pelosi the name of some Republican interior decorators. I’m not even sure how to unpack the homophobia from that one, and I’m not gonna try.

Like all losers, he insisted that the lesson of the election was that the American people want politicians to set aside partisan differences.

He also accused the electorate of ignorance saying more in sorrow than in anger (I’m using my own scribbled notes, there isn’t a transcript available yet) (update: transcript) that he had “thought the people would understand the importance of taxes and the importance of security.” Once again, we have disappointed him.

On the other hand he dismissed his own campaign comments that if the Republicans lose the terrorists win as mere politics (“What’s changed today is the election’s over”), which everyone should forget now.

The relationship between politics and foreign policy was a major theme of the press conference. Bush told several conflicting versions of the decision to fire Rumsfeld, so it’s hard for me to know which one I should express indignation about. Before he spoke, I was planning to write that the decision to replace Rummy mere hours after the polls closed suggested that it was based entirely on politics and did not reflect any new thinking or change of strategy, that he was in fact doing what he said he would never do (although he does it every day), subordinate Iraq policy to American domestic politics.

In the presser, he did admit that the electorate voted to “register displeasure with the lack of progress being made” in Iraq. Although he didn’t take any personal responsibility for that lack of progress, the admission by itself was kind of stunning. Later, he said that “Iraq is not working well enough or fast enough.” I hope he kept the receipt.

On Rumsfeld, he admitted having lied last week about keeping him in office until 2009, that he had already made the decision to get “fresh eyes,” but didn’t want to “inject the matter into the election.” This version of the story involves a theory of politics that the way to depoliticize important issues is to lie about how you intend to handle them. I’m pretty sure that was in the Federalist Papers somewhere. He also said that it would be a bad signal to the troops that he was “constantly adjusting tactics and decisions based on politics” (he temporarily forgot that constantly changing is now a good thing).

Still later, he said that he didn’t lie last week, that he hadn’t made a final decision and hadn’t even talked to Robert Gates yet. It’s so ingrained to his way of governing that Bush didn’t consider that you could announce a resignation before a replacement has been decided upon. It’s not like a smooth transition would be disrupted: Rummy will be a lame duck for weeks of hearings and voting on Gates, a few extra days would make no difference. The decision to announce both Rummy’s ouster and Gates’ nomination at the same time was another sign of Bush’s commitment to opacity – an important choice made entirely in secret, without public input, without Congressional consultation, and presented as a fait accompli. The choice fits in with that, Gates having been up to his eyeballs in Iran-Contra and especially the coverup of Iran-Contra.

He said something how great it was that Eisenhower continued Truman’s wars, both Cold and Korea, because “This enemy’s not going away after my presidency.” Just as long as you do, George, just as long as you do.

Deciding Bush’s potency

Unfortunate AP headline: “Voter Results Will Decide Bush’s Potency.”

With Rick Santorum out of the Senate, who will protect our dogs’ anuses?

Honestly, I will miss Little Ricky, who provided all of us with so much blog-fodder and who made his side look bad every time he opened his mouth. His replacement, Bob Casey Jr., is no friendlier to homosexual (or reproductive) rights than Santorum, but he’ll undercut them quietly, without that hilarious gay panic: the “man on dog” comment, the blaming of sexual abuse by Catholic priests on the permissiveness of Boston (“If you have a world view that... affirms alternative views of sexuality, that can lead to a lot of people taking it the wrong way.”). So yeah, I’ll miss the neckless one; his idiocy was actually a service to the republic.

Katherine Harris is less of a loss in that sense, because mostly when she spoke she only made herself look like a jackass.

Would have been nice to knock out George Allen, but it was, after all, Virginia (state motto: “Sic Semper Macacas”). (Update: sorry, this one is now too close to call. Got a little confused there.)

The prospect of Joe Lieberman even more smugly self-righteous is not a pleasant one.

Chimpy Votes!

The notoriously susceptible George W. Bush casts his vote...




...for Dr. Pepper.

Hey, I understand there’s an election of some sort today....

Why couldn’t somebody have called me up to inform me of that fact? They could even have used some sort of robotic calling machine.

And as you go to the polls, remember, we’re at war

Unclear on the concept: hundreds of applicants to join the police in Uttar Pradesh, India rioted to protest an application test they considered too hard.

In a rally in Florida, Bush appeared with his brother Jeb, who he pretended to hug, while swiping his wallet. What, like your family dynamic isn’t complicated?


He began by predicting, “We’re going to win because we have a hopeful, optimistic agenda” – and then launched into the usual fear-baiting crap. The first person plural in that sentence obviously refers to the Republican party. We’re so used to this that it may need pointing out: for every moment of the election campaign, the president of the United States spoke as a Republican, to Republicans. He made no attempt to persuade his audiences because he never spoke to a group of just-plain citizens. This may be how things are done these days, but it is not healthy for a democracy, and it is not okay.

Bush described the Dems’ strategy thus: “They don’t have a plan, but they’ve got a principle around which they’re organized, which is, it’s too tough, get out before the job is done.” He also deployed his ability to express complex political philosophies in insultingly simple terms when he spoke about “a brutal enemy that has an ideology, an ideology so backwards that many of our citizens can’t possibly comprehend it.” And yet he gamely attempted to make it comprehensible for them: “See, we believe in basic freedoms; they don’t.”

He ended with this advice: “And as you go to the polls, remember, we’re at war.”

It is hard to plot and plan America when you’re hiding

Another Bush rally, woe is me, in Nebraska. Which sort of explains the corn stalks.


And the corn hats.



Incidentally, all these events have the word victory in the title, Nebraska Victory 2006 Rally, Montana Victory 2006 Rally, etc. Which is also the word Bush uses over and over in relation to Iraq: “And we got one goal in Iraq, and that is victory”, “We got a strategy for victory that will work”, Dems “have no plan for victory,” and so on. A coincidental wording, you say? Maybe, but it’s not the only place he borrows rhetoric from his war speeches. At this rally he said, “You know if you’re wondering what -- where the Democrats stand on a major issue, there’s an easy formula to figure it out: No matter what the issue, if the Republicans are for it, they’re against it.” And how does he describe the Enemy in The War Against Terror, just a couple of minutes later? “They believe the exact opposite of what we believe.”

Which is so not the case. He and Osama both believe, loudly, that God is on their side. Here’s a paragraph he’s used in every recent speech, which creeps me out every time: “You know when nearly 12 million Iraqis voted, I was pleased, but I was not surprised, and I’ll tell you why I wasn’t surprised. I believe there is an Almighty. I believe a great gift of the Almighty to every man, woman, and child on Earth is the desire to be free. And so when the Iraqis said we want to be free, it is part of my belief in the universality of freedom.” That either creeps you out too, or it doesn’t, I suppose.

I’m almost getting bored with the mangled Bushisms, but what the hell:

“the Democrats believe they can spend their money better than you can.”

“It is hard to plot and plan America when you’re hiding.”

Ain’t it the truth.

That says to them that their strategy is working

We’ve now got the transcript of Cheney’s ABC interview, bits of which I commented on yesterday. As ever, I’m amazed what he’s able to get away with unchallenged. For three months, the Bushies have been using the word “purged” to describe Lieberman’s defeat on August 8th, which I seem to recall involved 146,587 people voting for another candidate and not, say, a Moscow show trial. In the interview, Cheney uses that purge as an example of exactly the sort of thing the terrorists are trying to influence the American voters to do. “That says to them that their strategy is working.”

Another thing they’re always allowed to get away with is the “I haven’t read that article/report, so I can’t comment on it.” This was not a live interview, it was taped days ago, so why couldn’t Stephanopoulos have said, “Oh, well I happen to have a copy of Vanity Fair right here, why don’t we stop the cameras while you read it, and resume when you’re ready”?

Cheney says if a Democratic Congressional committee subpoenas him, he will refuse to testify.

Cheney, by the way, will be spending election day hunting. There’s probably a metaphor in there somewhere.

The martyrs of Iraq now have the right to smile

Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to be hanged by the neck until dead dead dead. PM Maliki says, “The martyrs of Iraq now have the right to smile,” adding, “Maybe this will help alleviate the pain of the widows and the orphans, and those who have been ordered to bury their loved ones in secrecy, and those who have been forced to suppress their feelings and suffering, and those who have paid at the hands of torturers.” Yes, thank god those days are long behind us.

Protecting you and your cowboy hat

In Colorado, Bush used his “it’s good to be in country where the cowboy hats outnumber the ties” line in the third state this week (Nevada, Montana). Yippee ki yay.

He keeps pushing the twin messages of taxes and terror, which sort of point in opposite directions. He presents tax cuts as increasing personal freedom, but combines it with the deeply disempowering, not to say infantilizing, argument that the government and its “professionals” need all sorts of augmented powers in order “to protect you” (a phrase that he used seventeen times in this speech).

This time, he had the audience chant “What’s your plan?”, directed at the Democrats, who he is accusing of being unclear on their “plan for victory.” Bush, of course, is the master of clarity:

I can’t look at the mothers and fathers and husbands and wives of those who wear our uniform who may be in Iraq, and say, it’s noble, but not think I can -- we can win the -- the only way we can win is if we leave before the job is -- I mean, the only way we can lose is if we leave before the job is done. That’s the only way.

Full speed ahead

In his most recent campaign speeches, Bush has been accusing Dems of not having “a plan for victory” in Iraq (no one ever wonders whether we have a plan for victory in Afghanistan, have you noticed that?), just as if every member of his administration hasn’t made it clear repeatedly that the opinion of Congress, and indeed of the American people, is irrelevant. Cheney, even while repeating the they-don’t-have-a-plan talking point in an interview to air on ABC Sunday, made that position clear yet again: “It may not be popular with the public. It doesn’t matter, in the sense that we have to continue what we think is right” (which he says is to go “full speed ahead” in Iraq). What the American people as a whole might think is right does not – you heard it hear first – matter. I’d love to be able to force the Bushies to sit down and write an essay on what they believe is the meaning of representative democracy, the will of the people, and all that Poly Sci 101 stuff. But I think we get a pretty good sense in the binary opposition Cheney created in his next sentences: “That’s exactly what we’re doing. We’re not running for office; we’re doing what we think is right.”

We’re not running for office; we’re doing what we think is right.

See, if he ordered the first attack, he might know something about another attack

Mind-boggling statement of the day: a spokesmodel for the Israeli military attacked Hamas for calling on women to protect besieged Hamas fighters, “knowing the IDF would not shoot at women and children”.

Except of course they did. With machine guns. Killing two. Wounding 17.

Bush rally Iowa: “The interesting thing about campaigns, if somebody is going to raise your taxes, they don’t want you to know about it.”

He reminisced about his experiences in the high-stakes, wheels-within-wheels world of international intrigue: “One day the -- came in the Oval Office and said, Mr. President, we have captured Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. ... I told the CIA that I think it’s important for them, the professionals, to figure out what he knows. See, if he ordered the first attack, he might know something about another attack.” George Smiley, eat your heart out!

“Oh, I’ve heard them in Washington; they say Iraq is a distraction from the war on terror. Well, we just have a difference of opinion. I believe Iraq is central to the war on terror. Our troops believe Iraq is central to the war on terror. And so does Osama bin Laden. ... But they think differently in Washington, particularly the Democrats.” So it’s not just the Democrats, it’s “Washington” that’s all gooey-headed on The War Against Terror (TWAT). Also, he claims to be speaking on behalf of the troops, telling us what they “believe.” Stop that. Just fucking stop that.

And from earlier in the day, here he is campaigning for Sen. Jim Talent, or making fun of Talent’s glasses, or whatever the hell he’s doing.

Speed bumps and blobs of paint

Julian Borger in the Guardian covers Gen. William Caldwell, Military Moron, exquisitely, starting with the headline: “Iraq a ‘Work of Art in Progress’ Says US General After 49 Die.”

“Every great work of art goes through messy phases while it is in transition. A lump of clay can become a sculpture. Blobs of paint become paintings which inspire,” Maj Gen Caldwell told journalists in Baghdad’s fortified green zone.

Dude, those blobs... they’re not... paint.

Caldwell says the final test won’t be these “isolated incidents” (Borger notes there were 1,272 isolated incidents of Iraqi deaths reported in October), but “the country that the Iraqis build.” In another not-entirely-felicitous metaphor, Caldwell added, “A transition is not always a pleasant thing to watch as it happens. But when common goals are achieved, speed bumps and differences of opinion along the way are soon forgotten.” Speed fucking bumps.

Extracting blackmail

Bush was in Montana today, campaigning for firefighter-hater and general schmuck Conrad Burns in another of his Just-Say-No, Hey-Did-You-Hear-About-The-Time-I-Went-To-Graceland-With-The-Japanese-Prime-Minister rallies. He’s confining his campaigning entirely to traditionally Republican states, and I’m not sure how much of that is the Republicans being on the defensive, and how much is Bush’s unwillingness to look like a lame duck by campaigning for a lot of people who then lose.

He began, “It’s good to be in a part of the world where the cowboy hats outnumber the ties.” I had been planning to mention the fact that when he goes from the White House to Air Force One, his traveling attire is always formal...


(God, I can’t even look at him anymore) ...but he arrives at the rallies in his brush-clearing clothes (the hat is borrowed).



Increasingly, his bad grammar is grating on my nerves. “You see, we not only got great assets in our military, we got a fantastic asset in the power of liberty.”

He painted a dark picture of what would happen if we withdrew from Iraq: “I want you to envision a world in which extremists battle for power, in which moderate governments have been toppled, in which these radicals are then capable of using oil to extract blackmail from the West.”

Are you doing it? Are you envisioning radicals using oil to extract blackmail from the West?

It’s not just car bombs

On a visit to France, Iraqi President Talabani (seen below arriving at Orly) says that in only two or three years, Iraq will be ready to say “Bye bye with thanks” to American troops. Bye bye?

He also said, “There is no civil war. The media is focusing only on the negative side of Iraq. ... We need to give the real picture. It’s not just car bombs. Visit Iraq from the north to the south. Never mind Baghdad.” Iraq’s new motto: “It’s not just car bombs.” Iraq’s other new motto: “Never mind Baghdad.”


Bush characterized the chart that appeared here and in every other blog yesterday, showing the descent of Iraq into color-coded chaos, as “one of those mysterious charts that somehow appear.”

Force has kind of a negative connotation

Two of the Guantanamo prisoners are still on hunger strike, and still being forcibly fed. Although, because their torturers are nothing if not culturally sensitive, during Ramadan they were not force-fed during daylight hours.

The torturers are also sensitive about the term force-feeding, preferring “involuntary feeding,” because, as one nurse explained to Reuters, “Force has kind of a negative connotation.”

Prisoners not on hunger strike were fed the traditional Eid al Fitr feast at the end of Ramadan, although a second feast had to provided for prisoners who chose to fast an additional day, believing that the military lied about the date in order to trick them into breaking their fast early.

It didn’t sound like a joke to me

The closer we get to the elections, the more trivial the political discourse gets. When Bush denounced Kerry’s “joke” during a rally yesterday (note to Kerry: leave the jokes about Bush being stupid to those of us who have honed our craft by making jokes about Bush being stupid day after day after day), he alerted the media to exactly when he’d be doing it so they could run it live. Today Bush said, “It didn’t sound like a joke to me; more important, it didn’t sound like a joke to the troops.” It’s bad enough that he hides behind the troops at every opportunity, but when he purports to speak for them, to know their minds...

Elsewhere in that AP interview (I’ll include a link if I ever see the full transcript), he says the number of troops in Iraq won’t be increased: “They’ve got what they can live with.” I’m guessing that won’t sound like a joke to the families of the 104 soldiers killed in Iraq in October.

On Iraq and Afghanistan, “I’m pleased with the progress we’re making.” He couldn’t hear a joke but he can see progress in Iraq and Afghanistan; he clearly needs his hearing and vision checked out, pronto.

And Cheney and Rumsfeld “are doing fantastic jobs,” and he will keep Rummy in his fantastic job until 2009.

Bush was also interviewed today by Rush freaking Limbaugh, so he doesn’t really get to be morally outraged by anything Kerry has to say.

He says he has no plans for how to deal with a Democratic-led House and/or Senate, because it won’t happen. “So when I say that, you asked why I’m optimistic, because when I spell it out to the people I’m in front of, they fully understand. People come up to me all the time and say ‘Thank you for protecting us.’” Sarcastically?

What they really believe is they believe freedom is bad

From various pundits I was led to believe that there would be a stream of scantily dressed “vixens” coming to my door on Halloween. Once again I have been let down by the media.

Bush, at one of his Just Say No rallies in Georgia yesterday, described the enemy (the ones in Iraq, not the Democrats): “Make no mistake about it, they believe things. What they really believe is they believe freedom is bad.”

In a further victory for sophisticated analysis, CentCom has developed a method for charting precisely how close Iraq is to a complete crapfest. Juan Cole, Today In Iraq, you’ve been replaced; you can never compete with the awesome power of the chart. It’s color-coded and everything.



I’d be interested to know if Maliki “ordered” American troops to lift their siege of Sadr City yesterday before or after his meeting with Stephen Hadley.

A few pictures of Bush and, um, friends, for your captioning pleasure: