We can no longer afford these kinds of divisions

Obama gave a speech on patriotism today, saying “The question of who is or is not a patriot all too often poisons our political debates...” as opposed to poisoning our political debates just the right amount of the time “...in ways that divide us rather than bring us together. We can no longer afford these kinds of divisions.” Well, maybe there’ll be a 4th of July sale at Wal-Mart.


McCain, responded to Wesley Clark’s comment that McCain’s record as a dropper of bombs and prisoner of war (or is it dropper of war and prisoner of bombs?) doesn’t qualify him for the presidency, “If that’s the kind of campaign that Senator Obama and his surrogates and supporters want to engage in, I understand that. But it doesn’t reduce the price of a gallon of gas by a penny”. That’s what’s known as a campaign-rhetorical non sequitur. How exactly would anything that Candidate Obama says reduce gas prices or indeed make your teeth whiter, your breath sweeter, your love life more fulfilling, or your neighbor’s dog stop barking all the time while you’re trying to get the new kitten settled in?

By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever linked to a fun BBC Radio program on political clichés by former MP Matthew Parris (2 parts, 14 minutes each).

This morning, Bush signed the supplemental appropriation for his many wars, saying, “Our nation has no greater responsibility than supporting our men and women in uniform -- especially since we’re at war.” He showed this support by spending the afternoon with our children and chipmunks in uniform.





Update: Michael in comments suggests that Bush is going for this look:

The toilet bowl scrubber is not a toy

And other things you find yourself saying to your new (still unnamed) kitten.

Although I’m sure that sentence was also spoken to George Bush by his mother. And quite possibly by Laura as well.

Whatever George does, he somehow makes look difficult, like getting out of an (illegally parked) car,


or choosing a shirt.

Caption contest, old man version

The AP caption is the same for both these pictures: “Republican presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., reacts to a protester shouting during his speech to the National Association of Latino Elected Officials in Washington, Saturday, June 28, 2008.”

Caption contest, kitten version

Meet my new cat. Currently hiding behind the couch.


Don’t take it personally. She’s friendly, really.



Been here four hours now. She’s about three months old. Thing is, the humane society people or someone named her (shudder) “Dot.” After the dot on her back, I guess.


We can do better.


And by we, I mean you.


Because I’m perfectly capable of calling a cat “Cat” for thirteen or so years. Done it before.


So it’s up to you. Give this kitty a name!

Scalia apportions blame

Antonin Scalia on Bush v. Gore: “Richard Nixon, when he lost to Kennedy thought that the election had been stolen in Chicago, which was very likely true with the system at the time... But he did not even think about bringing a court challenge. That was his prerogative. So you know if you don’t like it, don’t blame it on me. I didn’t bring it into the courts. Mr Gore brought it into the courts. So if you don’t like the courts getting involved talk to Mr Gore.”

For your captioning pleasure, some leftover pictures:

Our concerns are for you, not against you

This morning Bush spoke at the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast, and he did so in two languages: “So he asked, would I come to the prayer breakfast. My answer was, por supuesto.” “As some of you may or may not know, the -- mi niñita lived in Panama for a while”. “We pray that America will strengthen those who serve nuestros hermanos y hermanas in need.” “I’ve known Esperanza for ochos años.” George is just so totally bi-lingual.


He said of the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast: “It’s an important event because it reminds us that no matter what our status in life might be, that we have a duty to respond to a higher power.” Breakfast? It is the most important meal of the day.

If George can speak in two languages, I can get two punchlines from that sentence: “It’s an important event because it reminds us that no matter what our status in life might be, that we have a duty to respond to a higher power.” Dick Cheney?

Earlier, Bush spoke about the nuclear deal with North Korea.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, as I said in the statement, it’s action for action.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “In North Korea, we have been concerned that food shipments sometimes don’t make it to the people themselves -- in other words, the regime takes the food for their own use.”

HE HAS A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT: “So my message to the [North Korean] people is, is that we’ll continue to care for you and worry about you, and at the same time, pursue a Korean Peninsula that’s nuclear weapons free.” He also told the North Koreans, “our concerns are for you, not against you”.

IN OTHER WORDS: “In the past, we would provide benefits to the North Koreans in the hope that they would fulfill a vague promise. In other words, that’s the way it was before I came into office.”



MAN, THOSE NORTH KOREANS ARE AUDACIOUS: “I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office.” You’re sure it wasn’t by Dick Cheney? He gets awfully hungry around noon.

And in the afternoon, he spoke at a conference sponsored by his Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, of which he said “This is not a political convention. This is a compassion convention. (Applause.) This is ‘we don’t care about politic’ convention.”

IRREFUTABLE PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF GOD: “How beautiful was that? From being a homeless mother of two to introducing the President of the United States. (Applause.) There has to be a higher power.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “my administration has advanced policies that yield greater support for faith-based and community groups. In other words, it’s one thing to talk it; it’s another thing to act.”

WHAT GEORGE IS OFTENTIMES ASKED BY THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD: “But oftentimes I’m asked, why? Why do you care what happens outside of America?”


WHAT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN A PLACE LIKE AMERICA: “It’s only in a place like America -- think about it, think about our country for a second -- could a life nearly extinguished by hate be restored by love and compassion.” Because every other country suuuuuucks.

WHAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN REALIZE: “You probably don’t even realize some of the acts of kindness are miracles. I’m telling you they are.”

Because when you think District of Columbia, you think well-regulated militia

The Supreme Court strikes down D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership (and its trigger-lock requirement), ruling 5-4 that everyone has the right to own handguns. They also ruled that it would be cool if dueling came back in style.

The return of constructive engagement and quiet diplomacy

South Africa’s ANC issues a statement on Zimbabwe which, while condemning “the flagrant violation of every principle of democratic governance” (though saying much of the blame lies with Britain), asks other nations not to intervene, saying “any attempts by outside players to impose regime change will merely deepen the crisis.” I seem to recall Ronald Reagan saying that very thing about apartheid South Africa in the 1980s (update: I didn’t mean that literally, but I’ve just done the google thing, and Reagan actually said that putting sanctions on South Africa would “deepen the crisis.”)

John McCain is profoundly disturbed. He says so himself.

McCain and Obama both reject the Supreme Court decision that the death penalty should not be applied to child-rapists, boldly coming out against the rape of children. McCain: “That there is a judge anywhere in America who does not believe that the rape of a child represents the most heinous of crimes, which is deserving of the most serious of punishments, is profoundly disturbing.” Heaven forfend any member of the United States judiciary not support the state putting people to death.

A spirit of respect

Bush met Vietnamese Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung today. Evidently, “Our relationship with Vietnam is getting closer, in a spirit of respect.” This spirit of respect did not, however, prevent the White House website failing to understand Vietnamese names and calling the respected guest “Prime Minister Dung.” The transcript didn’t specify whether Bush giggled disgracefully throughout the meeting.

A nation in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans

This morning Bush met with Philippines President Gloria Arroyo.

WHY GEORGE IS PROUD: “First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that -- in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER, BUT ALSO THE REMINDEDER: “And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House.”


GEORGE SPEAKS SENSITIVELY ABOUT THE TYPHOON: “Some are wondering whether or not their loved ones will, you know, reappear.”

MORE THAN STRONG STAND: “I congratulated the President on her strong stand on counterterrorism -- more than strong stand -- effective stand on counterterrorism”.


WHAT STICKS SAY: “The President has been very strong in having a carrots-and-sticks approach -- ‘sticks,’ of course, say we’re not going to allow for people to terrorize our citizens; the ‘carrot’ approach is that there’s peace available.”

Terror gaffe

McCain aide Charlie Black, in what the London Times rather charmingly called a “terror gaffe,” told Fortune magazine that a terrorist attack on US soil would “certainly” “be a big advantage” to McCain. Possibly he thought was talking to Soldier of Fortune magazine?

Le mot juste

I just got my new driver’s license in the mail. With the new picture.

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

There’s nothing better than having good role models for girls to look at

Today’s must-read: McClatchy’s Leila Fadel on the reaction in Iraq to the US failure to punish anyone for the Haditha Massacre.

Bush, hosting the Phoenix Mercury women’s basketball team: “As the father of twin girls, there’s nothing better than having good role models for girls to look at, and there are no better role models than women basketball players.” So step aside, all you women doctors and lawyers and professors and authors and legislators and governors and...

Paradoxical representation

Condi Rice, in an interview with the Wall Street Journal editorial board, on future Iraqi elections:

RICE: Depending on what happens with the structure of the elections, and we obviously favor and everybody favors if it can be done, proportional representation rather than a list system, it will --

Q: Rather than a list system?

RICE: A list system where parties simply --

Q: Proportional representation is a list system.

RICE: No, but not a list system. Not having a list system. Having representation by district --

Q: By district.

RICE: Yeah, by district. Proportional representation, constituency representation. Yes, right. But not a list system because, obviously, for -- now, it’s hard and it’s --

Sadly, they did not ask her how this hitherto unknown form of proportional representation would work.

She was also interviewed this week by CNN’s editorial board. She said that if North Korea completes the next phase of denuclearization, “the President will notify Congress that he intends to take them off the terrorism list.” Just in case you thought that the list of state sponsors of terrorism had anything to do with which states sponsor terrorism.

And she spun the fact that NK actually tested a nuke for the first time on her watch as not a dismal failure of Bush policy but one of them there clarifying moments: “The fact that they test-fired a nuclear weapon probably helped us get to where we are, because it really solidified the international consensus that this was a state that cannot be trusted with nuclear devices and with nuclear materials. And so I would say that we’re much further along than we were.” So that’s all right then.

Pusillanimity

Krugman on Obama’s pusillanimous position on FISA:

My biggest concern about an Obama administration is that, in the end, he won’t make universal health care a priority. My second biggest concern is that “Unity” means never having to say you’re sorry: that in the name of putting past partisanship behind us, the next administration will sweep the abuses of the past 8 years under the rug, the same way Bill Clinton did in 1993; the result of that decision was that the very same people responsible for Iran-Contra showed up subverting our democracy all over again.

I always said that if Iran-Contra accomplished nothing else, at least Elliott Abrams, possessor of the smuggest face in the Reagan administration, would never become secretary of state.

I’m not sure which possibility is actually more worrying: 1) that Obama doesn’t consider this an important matter of principle and the Bushies’ domestic spying a significant abuse of power, or 2) that he isn’t willing to “distract” himself from his campaign by engaging with this issue. Neither bodes well.

But my greatest disappointment is not with Obama or Hoyer or Pelosi, but with the American people for not making it abundantly clear with their collective outrage that standing up to the administration’s lawlessness and to retroactive immunity would be politically popular as well as, you know, the right thing to do.

Note: in my 4,416 posts, that was the first time I’ve employed the word pusillanimous. I kind of enjoyed it. I may do it again sometime. Leave suggestions in comments for any other words you’d like to see me use in a sentence.

Waste, fraud and abuse of your time

Headline of the day, AP: “Paraguay Inmates Riot for More Sex.” The best part of a Paraguayan prison riot: the make-up sex.

For your political educational benefit, the McCain McCampaign offers this charmless video game, called “Pork Invaders,” in which you shoot (veto) at pigs and pork barrels. “Play the game to help John McCain in his tireless fight against wasteful spending,” his website says.



CAPTION CONTEST! YAY!!!

Unclear on the concept

A BBC article (sent in by Alert Reader David Chappell) quotes the finding of an official inquiry into the stabbing of a prisoner in a British prison that “At the time of Wayne’s murder a criminal subculture was embedded” at the prison. That will happen if you keep letting criminals in.

Number 9 in the series, “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.”

From a speech given today at a “Women in Housing and Finance” meeting.





And, er, what might he be signaling here?

Sometimes it’s hard to see it when you’re this close to the deal

Bush went to Iowa today to look at storm damage.

WHAT GEORGE KNOWS: “I know a lot of farmers and cattlemen are hurting right now, along with the city people.”


WHAT WE ALSO GOT TO WORRY ABOUT: “we also got to worry about the little towns. A lot of folks are wondering whether or not the government hears about them, too, and I can assure you that I know the Governor cares deeply about it, and so do we.”

BUT NOT ACTUALLY TO HELP THEM IN ANY WAY: “Paulison, who is the head of FEMA, tells me that there are 600 FEMA people moving around the state, and that ought to help the people in the smaller communities know that somebody is there to listen to them and care about them.”

HOW THEY’LL COME BACK: “You’ll come back better. Sometimes it’s hard to see it when you’re this close to the deal.”

You understand how hopeful the world can be when people live in free societies

Today Bush met with Prime Minister Sergei Stanishev of Bulgaria.

WHAT STANISHEV UNDERSTANDS: “you understand how hopeful the world can be when people live in free societies.”


REALIZING THE BLESSINGS: “we talked about a mutual concern, and that’s energy: How do we get more energy on the market; how do we help others, our respective countries and others, realize the blessings of additional energy supply?”

HE HAS AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “I mean, we’re in a world that is -- where supply has exceeded -- where demand has exceeded supply. There’s high prices.”

WHAT GEORGE THANKED STANISHEV FOR: “Thank you for your hard work and thank you for your care about the people of your country.” Um, you’re welcome?


HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I reminded the Prime Minister that all of us have got a responsibility to deal with corruption.”

WARNING: IRONY ALERT IRONY ALERT IRONY ALERT: “When we find corrupt officials in the United States, we expect them to be, within the rule of law, be dealt with.”

WHAT STANISHEV IS, AND WHAT GEORGE IS: “You’re a good, young, strong leader, and that’s said from an old guy.”

I see dead people

Bush and gospel singer Kurt Carr. Just once I’d like to see a black man rub Bush’s head.


And John McCain.


I thought he looked like he was seeing ghosts, and then read the AP caption: “Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) speaks to supporters Tuesday, June 17, 2008 in Houston.” Yup, he’s seeing ghosts all right.

Our hearts and thoughts go to those who lost life

This morning Bush spoke about the flooding in Iowa.

WHERE OUR HEARTS AND THOUGHTS GO: “Of course, our hearts and thoughts go to those who lost life.”

#5983 IN THE LIST OF THINGS BUSH “FULLY UNDERSTANDS”: “I fully understand people are upset when they lose their home.”

A CLEAR... STRATEGY: “And we want to work with state and local folks to have a clear strategy to help people find -- get back into a place that -- where they can live.”

WHAT WE’VE GOT: “We’ve got what we called a Disaster Relief Fund.”


WHAT THEY (CONGRESS) NEED TO WORRY ABOUT: “What they do need to worry about is making sure that there is enough but not too much money in the fund, so we can say we have done our job.” Well, you can say it.

WHEN YOU’VE SEEN ONE DISASTER, YOU’VE SEEN THEM ALL: “And I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as President.” Yeah, everywhere you go, there seems to be a disaster. Funny that.

Listening tour

In an exercise in, how you say, fair use, I present an AP picture and its caption: “Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., listens to a reporter’s question during a press briefing at his campaign headquarters in Arlington, Va., Monday, June 16, 2008.”

Bush in the UK: Waiting for somebody rational to show up

Bush held a press conference with Gordon Brown this morning. And, oh sure, I could illustrate this post with pictures of George Bush and Gordon Brown.



Yeah, cuz that’s so exciting. Or I could use pictures of Bush playing basketball with a bunch of little girls in Belfast. They trounced him soundly; he made zero out of four shots.



He appalled Europeans with this threat: “By the way, some are speculating this is my last trip. Let them speculate. Who knows?”

WHAT THE FIRST THING ABOUT GORDON BROWN IS: “First thing about Gordon Brown, he’s tough on terror, and I appreciate it”.



WHAT THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION OF HISTORY IS GOING TO LOOK BACK ON IT IS: “The fundamental question of history is going to look back on it, is did we understand the duty that we’ve been called to do, to protect ourselves and hope others?”

Incidentally, today he’s not saying that history won’t be able to judge him at all for forty years, but that “History will judge the tactics. History will judge whether or not, you know, more troops were needed earlier, troops could have been positioned here better or not. Removing Saddam Hussein was not wrong.” So, a note to historians: confine your analysis to Bush’s tactics. Last night, by the way, Brown invited some real historians to dinner with Bush: Martin Gilbert, Simon Schama and David Cannadine. The mind boggles.



TRYING TO DISTANCE THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER: “No, I know there’s a lot of discussion here in the British press about, well, you know, is there going to be enough troops, or not enough troops, and all that business; is he trying to distance this, that and the other -- it’s just typical.” Also typical: naked page three girls.



THE WHO CARES POSITION: “Hopefully the Iranian leadership will take a different position then the one they’ve taken in the past, which is basically, who cares what the free world says, we’re going to -- we’ll go our own way.” And we know how George hates unilateralism.

GEORGE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THE WORD QUALMS MEANS: “We have no qualms with the Iranian people.” (Update: Simon Hoggart thinks he was actually saying quarrels, which he pronounces “kwarls.”)



WHAT WE EXPECT: “And so my message at the G8 is: Looking forward to working with you; thanks for coming to the meeting -- just remember, there are people needlessly dying on the continent of Africa today, and we expect you to be more than pledge-makers. We expect you to be check-writers for humanitarian reasons.”



BE IN MORE CHARGE: “And so, give the Iraqis more responsibility. Let them take more -- be in more charge of their own security and their own government, and that’s what’s happening.”



WHAT THE KEY THING IS (BLITHERING INCOHERENCE, EVIDENTLY): “And so, you know, I mean -- look, the key thing for me is that I have -- you know, is that Gordon shares with me his plans. He listens to -- he talks to his commanders and he picks up the phone and says, here’s what we’re thinking. So there’s no surprises.”

WHAT HE CALLS PAKISTAN: “Pak”



SO IT WAS ALL WORTH IT: “The strategic implications of a free Iraq are significant for our future. For example, a free Iraq will make it easier to deal with the Iranian issue.”

THERE IS SOME: “there is some who say that perhaps freedom is not universal. Maybe it’s only Western people that can self-govern. Maybe it’s only, you know, white-guy Methodists who are capable of self government.” Dude, we’ve seen you play basketball...



“And it’ll bring peace to the Middle East, unless of course we become isolationist”. Increasingly, he is describing opponents of his failed foreign policy as if they are following this discredited ideology of isolationism, as if they oppose the US exercising any influence at all in the world, as opposed to exercising it in the direction of crapification.



I MEAN IN OTHER WORDS: “I mean, in other words, they [North Korea] are -- we’ll see what they disclose, but we hopefully are in the process of disabling and dismantling their plutonium manufacturing.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “you know, let’s send a focused message all aiming to create the conditions so that somebody rational shows up. In other words, people hopefully are sick of isolation in their respective countries, and they show up and say, we’re tired of this; there’s a better way forward.”

WHAT HE’D SAY IF HE WERE THE IRANIANS OR THE NORTH KOREANS: “So if I were the North Koreans and I were looking at Iran, or the Iranians looking at North Korea, I’d say, uh-oh, there are coalitions coming together that are bound tightly -- more tightly than ever in order to send us a focused message.”


A focused message.

That’s one of those great hypotheticals that we didn’t know

The Bush message to Iowa flood victims: “I know there’s a lot of people hurting right now and I hope they’re able to find some strength in knowing that there is love from a higher being.” As for you atheists, just keep paddling I guess.

I now have the full transcript of Bush’s interview by the Observer, the subject of my previous post.

GEORGE INVENTS A NEW VERB TENSE: “And therefore people that -- at least governments that felt like they didn’t want to participate in the liberation of Iraq have now wanted to participate in the reconstruction of Iraq.”

WHAT MALIKI HAS MOVED: “Maliki has moved things -- Stockholm and comports himself like a leader would, and he speaks hopefully about the future.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, the agenda is varied and it’s profound.”


Asked who is really in charge of Russia now: “Putin introduced me to Medvedev. And he -- in not only his body language, but in his words to me that Medvedev is going to be in charge of foreign policy.” So that settles that.

Asked about human rights in Russia, he recounted how he once spoke to Putin on behalf of the Catholic church, how Putin owns his own orthodox church, how Bush once met some Russian Jews, and concluded “And so he is sensitive to religious liberty”. For Bush, there is really only one human right that matters.

IN OTHER WORDS: “And so my only point there is that -- and this is the point I make to our partners, is that the Iranians had adopted a different attitude during my presidency -- in other words, in the relatively near past -- and that’s not to say they can’t do it again.”

WHAT HE TELLS HIS PARTNERS: “You know, I tell my partners, we’re asking you to sanction, I know you’re sitting there saying to yourself, well, it’s easy for him to say because they’ve already sanctioned.” Oh, George, we know that nothing is easy for you to say.

WHAT THE QUESTION FACING COUNTRIES IS: “And the question facing countries is, does money trump effective diplomacy for the sake of peace and security?”

THE POST-WHAT NOW? “And the lesson learned in this post-conflict period in both Iraq and Afghanistan is you got to have security.”

BUSH MAKES A WIDDLE JOKE:

Q: Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq obviously is --

SHRUB: Still looking for them.

Q: Still looking for them, exactly. (Laughter.)

SHRUB: That was a huge disappointment.

They did not ask him what was disappointing about it, but did ask if he would have invaded Iraq is he’d known there were no WMDs: “Well, you know, that’s one of those great hypotheticals that we didn’t know.”


KIND OF LIE IN AN EMPTY GRAVE: “Many, many families look at me trying to determine whether or not, one, I believed that it was necessary; and two, whether or not I’m going to let their son or daughter kind of lie in an empty grave when it comes to the sacrifice they made. They want to know whether or not the President -- if he believes it was necessary, whether or not he’s going to see this thing through, regardless of what they’re screaming on the TV sets.”

Asked about his legacy, he said, “There’s no such thing as objective short-term history.” He’s talked before about how forty years from now we’ll know how wonderful he really was, but I don’t think he’s claimed before that it’s literally impossible to form a correct judgment before then and that anything anyone says about him now can and should be completely disregarded.

ACTUALLY THEY’RE MEXICANS WHO DICK CHENEY SENDS INTO THE OVAL OFFICE EVERY MORNING AND TELLS BUSH ARE IRAQIS: “But my view is, is that when you talk to Iraqis, they’re thrilled with the idea of living in a free society. Do they like the fact that violence is still there? No. But every society reaches a level of violence that’s tolerable. And has that reached Iraq? I don’t know yet.” Tolerable? Presumably not to the recipients of that violence. That’s just a bizarre little sociological statement. And is he really saying that the level of violence in Iraq (or New York City or Sao Paulo, for that matter) is only as high as it is because the Iraqis are okay with it?

Oh wait, he goes on: “the thing that people ought to focus on is the courage of the Iraqis. They put up with a lot of violence: Muslims killing Muslims. But first of all, there have been some accidents, but nobody can claim that the United States or Great Britain are intentionally killing innocent people. We’re not. As a matter of fact, warfare has changed a lot.” After all these years, dude still thinks of war as antiseptic, even, dare I say it, humane.

WHAT IT’S HARD FOR PEOPLE SITTING AFAR TO SAY: “Freedom trumps tyranny every time. And it’s hard for people to see that. It’s hard for people sitting afar to say, isn’t that beautiful, somebody lives in a free society?”

One revelation: he has never watched “The West Wing.” “I don’t watch network TV. I read.”

Some irritated guys making some moves

Bush was interviewed by the Observer (London).

HOW TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS IN THE MIDDLE EAST: “When you go to the Middle East and you sit in my seat and listen, yes, there’s concern about the Palestinian state. But the dialogue has shifted dramatically from ‘solve the Palestinian state and you’ve solved the problems in the Middle East’ to, now, ‘solve the Iranian issue and you solve the problems in the Middle East’.” So who is it, besides the Israelis, calling for the US to attack Iran? We want names.

WHAT GEORGE FEELS: (ON IRAQ): “I feel a sense of pain for death. I feel a sense of pain for the families of our troops.”

BUST A MOVE: “We’re in a war. A lot of people hoped this wasn’t a war - they just kind of dismiss it as, oh, there’s some irritated guys making some moves.”

HE HAS AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “I talked to King Abdullah about increasing the supply of oil, on the theory that if you harm your consumers with high prices they will find other ways to power their economies - and that he should not want to see the kind of worldwide contraction as a result of consumers spending money on energy that ends up overseas, as opposed to spending money on opportunities in their respective economies.” Yes, he certainly wouldn’t want to see consumers spending money on energy that ends up overseas... although, actually, isn’t he in the business of selling energy and isn’t he located, you know, overseas?

(Update: more from this interview in the next post.)

Just some leftover pictures I haven’t used yet... oh, all right, CAPTION CONTEST!

Bush in Paris: Difficulty should not cause people to do the right thing

Jargon alert: in a NYT article about the National Guards patrolling the border with Mexico, we are treated to this quote from an officer in the Virginia Guard: “At first we were constantly catching clients.” The paper explains that “clients” is what the Border Patrol calls illegal immigrants.

This morning Bush held a press conference with French President Sarkozy, enjoying the rare experience of not being the goofiest-looking guy in the room.


HE’S THE REMINDERER: “Yesterday I reminded the world, really, Nicolas, that America’s first friend was France.”

AND WITH A SLIP OF THE TONGUE, HE LETS FRANCE OFF THE HOOK: “And frankly, we wouldn’t be where we are today with the French support early in our revolution.”

WHAT NICKY SARKOZY IS FULL OF: “I really enjoy being with President Sarkozy. He’s an interesting guy. (Laughter.) He is full of energy. He’s full of wisdom.”


THE SUPPORTER: “thank you very much for supporting the Paris support conference”.

SUPPORTING THE YOUNG DEMOCRATS: “And I do thank the people of France for supporting the women and children and the young democrats in Afghanistan.”

WHAT HIS MESSAGE WOULD BE: Asked what demands he’d like to make of Syrian President Assad, he said, “Well, my message would be, stop fooling around with the Iranians and stop harboring terrorists”.

BUT HE ISN’T, SO WE WON’T: “Olivier, if I were a betting man, we’ll reach an agreement with the Iraqis.”

WE REQUEST THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY. BYOSAW (BRING YOUR OWN SHOCK AND AWE): “You know, of course we’re there at their invitation; this is a sovereign nation.”

WHAT IS INTERESTING: “And it’s interesting to be working with a democracy where, you know, people are trying to prepare the ground to get something passed in the parliament, for example, or the free press is vibrant.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Most Palestinians want to coexist in peace with Israel. And that peace must be in a state that is clearly visible, well defined, and in actuality is a state. And so in other words, the concept -- and by the way, this is newly arrived; I’m actually the first President ever to have articulated a two-state solution, two democracies living side by side with peace -- in peace. And during my time as President I’ve seen a notable shift amongst folks in the Middle East that recognize the importance of having that state.” Does he actually believe that no one thought a Palestinian state was a good idea before he brought up the subject?

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “And therefore our diplomacy is to remind all the parties involved that they have now an opportunity to get a state negotiated.”

WHAT SHOULD NOT CAUSE PEOPLE TO DO THE RIGHT THING: “I understand how difficult it is, but difficulty should not cause people to do the right thing.”

Bush in France, standing against moral relativism

Bush gave a speech in Paris to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development. Written for him, so not worth spending much time on, although he did add his own distinctive touches, by which I mean fuck-ups, saying that the US and France “stood united” during the Civil War when he meant Cold War;


thinking that the head of the Soviet Union was called a secretary-general; and in one memorable sentence referring both to a Broader Middle East and North America Initiative (actually the Broader Middle East and North Africa Initiative) and to a Forum for Freedom (actually the Forum for the Future).

He said that “We should stand against the moral relativism that views all forms of government as equally acceptable.” Name someone who’s ever said that, George. Anyone.

Speaking of equally acceptable forms of government, in the morning he dropped in on a theocratic state.

CAPTION CONTEST: What are they looking at?


He brought the pope a gift.


Just what he always wanted, I’m sure.


Then it was on to France.

“What a silly looking-doofus.” “What a silly-looking doofus.”

Boumediene v. Bush

Some quotes from the dissents in Boumediene v. Bush (pdf), the case extending Habeas Corpus to Guantanamo prisoners. First, Roberts’ dissent:

“The dangerous mission assigned to our forces abroad is to fight terrorists, not serve subpoenas.”

“One cannot help but think, after surveying the modest practical results of the majority’s ambitious opinion, that this decision is not really about the detainees at all, but about control of federal policy regarding enemy combatants.”

“So who has won? ... Not the Great Writ, whose majesty is hardly enhanced by its extension to a jurisdictionally quirky outpost... Not the rule of law, unless by that is meant the rule of lawyers... And certainly not the American people, who today lose a bit more control over the conduct of this Nation’s foreign policy to unelected, politically unaccountable judges.” It’s true, I feel so much less in control over the conduct of this nation’s foreign policy now.

(Addendum: Roberts describes current rules as “the most generous set of procedural protections ever afforded aliens detained by this country as enemy combatants.” The word “generous” is telling, indicating that he does not believe that the detainees have rights that must be respected, that whatever version of due process they get is entire within our gift, subject only to our “generosity,” to grant or not, according to our whim.)

From Scalia’s dissent: “America is at war with radical Islamists.” So Scalia is signing on to Bush’s hazy and ill-defined definition of The War Against Terror (TWAT). He goes on to use that definition to argue that Guantanamo detainees should have no more rights than POWs seized on the battlefield during armed conflict between nations.

More, he cites reactions to a perceived threat as if they were logical proof of the seriousness of that threat: “one need only walk about buttressed and barricaded Washington, or board a plane anywhere in the country, to know that the threat is a serious one.”

He says the majority decision “will almost certainly cause more Americans to be killed.” He then cites the cases of released detainees who have subsequently done bad things. When a judge argues for locking people up based on what they might do in the future, you gotta wonder.

Like Roberts, Scalia insists that the majority is not really interested in habeas corpus rights or in any principle, but is making a raw, naked power grab: “What drives today’s decision is neither the meaning of the Suspension Clause, nor the principles of our precedents, but rather an inflated notion of judicial supremacy. ... The gap between rationale and rule leads me to conclude that the Court’s ultimate, unexpressed goal is to preserve the power to review the confinement of enemy prisoners held by the Executive anywhere in the world.” And if there’s one thing Scalia hates, it’s an abuse of power like that.

He concludes, “The Nation will live to regret what the Court has done today.”

And today, John McCain added his voice, calling the ruling “one of the worst decisions in the history of this country”, which will subject us to “so-called, quote, Habeas Corpus suits against the government, whether it be about the diet, whether it be about the reading material. And we are going to be bollixed up in a way that is terribly unfortunate, because we need to go ahead and adjudicate these cases.” Hey, stupid, the whole point of Habeas Corpus is to require that these cases be adjudicated.
Then he announced that in order to be consistent, he will be returning to Vietnam to spend the rest of his life in a tiger cage.

Bush in Italy: A little fatter and a little more enculturated

Today Bush held a not-very-entertaining press conference with Silvio Berlusconi. He said of his visit to Italy, “I always leave with a little extra culture -- and a little fatter.” He gave the rest of the press conference in the form of operatic verse.

Ridi, Pagliaccio... e ognun applaudirà!

The one-and-half tenors.

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “Now, I remind the Prime Minister our objective is to get nations like China and India to sign up to the goal, and that we’ll develop our own strategies that will be firm strategies within the U.N. framework.”

Why George had to change his pants.

On the Supreme Court’s depressingly narrow 5-4 decision that Guantanamo prisoners have the right of habeas corpus, he said, “we’ll abide by the Court’s decision.” Isn’t that nice of him?


He went on, pissily, “That doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. It’s a deeply divided Court, and I strongly agree with those who dissented, and their dissent was based upon their serious concerns about U.S. national security.” Unlike the five traitors.


THEY CALL HIM... THE IRANIAN: “Foreign Minister Solana is going to see the Iranian here very shortly”.

Berlusconi, asked who he supported in the American presidential race, said McCain, just so he wouldn’t be the oldest person at the G8 conference.

Where can I get me one a those hats?

Bush in Germany: It’s all kinds of noise in their system and our system

This morning Bush held a press conference with Angela Merkel, who informed us, “Yesterday we had very intensive talks over dinner. We had intensive talks this morning.” There are few things as testicle-shrivelingly scary as a German using the phrase “intensive talks.”

Although Angela probably finds most scary Bush’s proclamation that “Our relationship is strong and our relationship is active.”

Going in for the inappropriate touching....


Going in....


Score!


NO GEORGE, WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAID WAS THAT YOU ARE AS DUMB AS ASPARAGUS: “For those in the German press who thought I didn’t like asparagus, you’re wrong. The German asparagus are fabulous.”

WHAT THE IRANIAN PEOPLE DESERVE BETTER THAN: “The Iranian people deserve better than being isolated from the world. They deserve better from having, you know, their government held up as, you know, unsafe and not trustworthy.” Yeah, it must be terrible to have your government held up as, you know, unsafe and not trustworthy.

WHAT THERE’S A LOT OF IN THE AMERICAN POLITICAL SCENE THESE DAYS: “A lot of protectionism in the American political scene these days.”

THANKING THE MESSAGE: “And I want to thank the message that came out of the EU meeting yesterday, which is that if they choose to be -- continue to be obstinate, there will be additional sanctions.”


Following up on the London Times interview, he says that of course he would still have invaded Iraq: “I don’t regret it at all. .... But I could have used better rhetoric to indicate that one, we tried to exhaust the diplomacy in Iraq; two, that I don’t like war.”

IT’S ALL KINDS OF NOISE: “First of all, I think we’ll end up with a strategic agreement with Iraq. You know, it’s all kinds of noise in their system and our system. What eventually will win out is the truth. For example, you read stories perhaps in your newspaper that the U.S. is planning all kinds of permanent bases in Iraq. That’s an erroneous story. The Iraqis know -- will learn it’s erroneous, too. We’re there at the invitation of the sovereign government of Iraq.”

HE SURE KNOWS HOW TO SELL A DEAL: “And I strongly support the agreement because I think it helps send a clear message to the people of Iraq that, you know, that security you’re now seeing will continue.”


ALL SAYING “FUCK OFF,” BUT STILL, YOU KNOW, A MYRIAD: “You know, as to -- look, Eggen, you can find any voice you want in the Iraqi political scene and quote them, which is interesting, isn’t it, because in the past you could only find one voice, and now you can find a myriad of voices.” So the fact that most Iraqis are vehemently against the status-of-forces agreement is just another sign of our success in bringing democracy to Iraq. But you’ve also gotta love how this myriad of voices is cited as a reason you can safely ignore what those voices are saying, because “you can find any voice you want.” Freedom, ain’t it grand.

Boarding pass/fail

You know, not a man of peace

The Knesset is in the process of passing a law immunizing Israel from having to pay compensation for any damages caused by military actions in “enemy territories.” It will be retroactive to 2006, and adds that if a court ignores the law and rules in favor of compensation anyway, that compensation will be scaled down in accordance with the lesser living standards of Palestinians.

Bush tells the London Times that such phrases as “bring em on” and “dead or alive” might possibly, conceivably have given people the entirely erroneous impression “that I was, you know, not a man of peace”. I’m so glad he cleared that up.

While I attempt to peal my back off this chair, some pictures for your captioning pleasure:

Er, Angela...

don’t give him any ideas, m’kay?

George Bush in Europe, working with EU nations to helping elevate folks from needless death

Headline of the Day (AP): “Note, Head Found Near Mexican Newspaper Office.”

Bush held a press conference in Slovenia today, along with a couple of Euro-types.


HE HAD A MESSAGE AT THE END: “My message at the end is that it’s really important for the United States to stay close with the EU.” He’s looking forward to rubbing Angela Merkel again.

NOT IRONIC, JUST INTERESTING: “I find it ironic -- not ironic, just interesting, that 20 years ago, Mr. Prime Minister, you were in jail -- (laughter) -- because of your beliefs, because...”

PRIME MINISTER JANŠA: Not very happy times. (Laughter.)

BUSH: You shouldn’t have been happy about it.

WHAT ELSE IS NOT IRONIC, JUST INTERESTING? “It’s interesting, my first visit as U.S. President to Europe included a -- my first stop in Slovenia. My last visit as U.S. President to Europe includes first stop in Slovenia. It’s a fitting circle.” Circle of life, dude, circle of life.


WHAT TO USE THE EU FOR: “And we spent a lot of time talking about how to help others realize the blessings of liberty, whether it be in the Balkans, whether it be a Palestinian state, and whether it be to use the EU as a way to encourage people to develop the habits of reformist societies.”

BOTH OF YOUR LEADERSHIP: “I want to thank very much your leadership, both of your leadership, in having the EU summit in South America.”

A LOT OF RELATIONS: “Obviously it’s in the U.S. interest that you do so. We’ve got a lot of relations with countries in our neighborhood.”

YES, GEORGE, ANGELA HAS HEARD ABOUT THE “MILE-HIGH CLUB” AND NO, GEORGE, SHE’S NOT INTERESTED: “We talked about how to make sure we have travel in a way that comforts our societies.”

ELEVATOR MUSIC: “The United States looks forward to working with EU nations to helping elevate folks from needless death.”

WHAT THE FREE WORLD IS GOING TO SAY: “And if they [Iran, natch] end up with a nuclear weapon, the free world is going to say, why didn’t we do something about it at the time, before they developed it?”

HE HAS A QUESTION FOR IRAN: “are they going to continue on their path of obstruction?” You know, their obstruction of our obstruction of their nuclear plans.

WHY YOU’D BE A LITTLE NERVOUS, TOO, IF YOU WERE LIVING IN ISRAEL: “First of all, if you were living in Israel you’d be a little nervous, too, if a leader in your neighborhood announced that they -- he’d like to destroy you. And one sure way of achieving that means is through the development of a nuclear weapon.”

THERE’S A LOT OF URGENCIES, MANY URGENCIES, AND URGENCY IN THEIR VOICE: There’s a lot of urgencies when it comes to dealing with Iran, and the Israeli political folks -- and if you go to Israel and listen carefully, you’ll hear that urgency in their voice, one of many urgencies. And I’m hopeful we can get it done.”

THE ARTICULATOR-IN-CHIEF: “I articulated a policy that I had been articulating ever since I had been the President. It’s the same policy, which is we believe in a strong dollar”.

Taking pressure off gasoline for hardworking Americans

Before heading to Europe, Bush spoke to reporters.

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “The countries I’m going to have committed troops to Afghanistan, and, of course, want to thank them, and remind them there’s a lot of work to be done.”


WHAT THERE NEEDS TO BE: (On Laura’s trip to Afghanistan): “She saw progress, but she also saw there needs to be a lot of work to be done -- there’s a lot of work to be done.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “A lot of Americans are concerned about our economy. ... I do remind them that we have put a stimulus package forward that is expected to help boost the economy.”



HE’S THE REMINDERER: “We’ll remind our friends and allies overseas that we’re all too dependent on hydrocarbons.”

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I’ll also remind them, though, that the United States has an opportunity to help increase the supply of oil on the market, therefore, taking pressure off gasoline for hardworking Americans”.

We’re all disappointed the intelligence wasn’t what it was

Friday, Bush, who will be traveling to Europe soon, was interviewed by Slovenian television.

ITS DIFFERENCES: “And the United States and Europe has had its differences on certain issues...”

AS OPPOSED TO DIFFERENT COMMON VALUES: “...but we’ve always had the same common values.”

UNBELIEVABLY SECOND-CLASS: “I think working together in Afghanistan is going to be an historic achievement; helping a young democracy recover from a society in which women, for example, were treated as unbelievably second-class citizens.”

WHAT GEORGE CAN UNDERSTAND: “You know, first of all, I can understand why many of our friends in Europe who aren’t treated like other nations within the EU are treated on visas are concerned.”

IN OTHER WORDS, WE HOPE: “As to whether or not we’ve made it harder for visa waiver countries to come to the United States, actually not; we’ve made it easier. In other words, you file your paperwork online before you come to the United States, which should actually facilitate travel, we hope.”

WE GOT NEW RELATIONS: “But the truth of the matter is, when you really look at -- like, for example, our relations in the Far East, we got great relations with Japan, China and Korea -- South Korea; or India, for example -- we got new relations with India that no administration has ever -- South America and Central America.”

On polls showing rising anti-Americanism in Europe: “I hear stuff like that, I just -- I dismiss it as kind of like what happens when there’s kind of gossip and rumors”.

Then, he was interviewed by Italian tv.

WHAT IS NO LONGER REALLY UNACCEPTABLE: “For a period of time, democracy [in Iraq] was in doubt, primarily because sectarian violence was really unacceptable.”

WHAT HE TALKED ABOUT WITH THE POPE: “And we did talk about interfaith dialogue, that I think is really important for people to find common ground through religion to deal with the violence that is used by some in the name of religion, to perpetuate an ideology -- and to remind people that peace -- religion is peace.” But not vice versa.

WHICH WAS WHICH AGAIN? “I talked to the King of Saudi Arabia about his visit with the Holy Father, and those are two very important figures when it comes to, obviously, Christianity and Islam.”

THE HISTORIOGRAPHER IN CHIEF: About the latest report that he was lying about intelligence on Iraq: “I will remind people -- and one of the things important about history is to remember the true history.”

WHY WE’RE ALL DISAPPOINTED: “we’re all disappointed the intelligence wasn’t what it was.”

Dancing

Visiting Afghanistan, Laura Bush responds with her customary animation to what is described by the AFP as a traditional New Zealand war dance and by Reuters as a traditional New Zealand arrival dance.



And, speaking of traditional arrival dances, back in Washington...

Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war

Gmail, possibly as a form of commentary, put an email from the Hillary campaign containing her farewell speech in the spam folder.

McCain’s first ad of the post-primary phase of the campaign makes the claim that John McCain is not a war-monger. “I hate war,” he says. When you have to take out an ad just to say that you hate war, you may just have a little image problem.



“Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war,” he says. But if you sing it to the tune of a Beach Boys song...

His campaign website, with no trace of irony, describes the ad as part of a campaign “targeting battleground states.”

Got...

Giraffe milk has been pronounced kosher. In case you were wondering.

Good blessings of life

Wednesday Bush met with Ehud Olmert and said “Iran is an existential threat to peace”. One might almost suspect that George does not know what the word existential means, but that couldn’t be right, could it?

Could it?

And today he went to the American Red Cross hq to talk in his inimitable style about earthquake relief for China: “There’s no question this is a major human disaster that requires a strong response from the Chinese government, which is what they’re providing, but it also responds [sic] a compassionate response from nations to whom -- that have got the blessings, good blessings of life, and that’s us.” Yes it is.

Caption contest

Stupid Hollywood remake idea of the day: My Fair Lady, with Keira Knightley.

Don’t feel bloggery right now. Be dears and caption this for me:

An impressive man who makes a great first impression

Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni called Iran the “neighborhood bully.”

Speaking of the neighborhood bully, McCain, although he only labeled Obama a “liberal” once in his speech tonight (guess the R’s finally realized that most people don’t spit and cross themselves when they hear that word), suggests that the R strategy of running against the 1960s hasn’t changed, even against a candidate who was actually born in the 1960s: “But, the choice is between the right change and the wrong change; between going forward and going backward. ... The solution to our problems isn’t to reach back to the 1960s and 70s for answers.” Does anyone really think electing Obama would be “going backward”?

For that matter, is it actually possible to “go backward” from the Bush administration?


I rather enjoyed McCain’s condescending line that Obama “is an impressive man who makes a great first impression.”

I rather less enjoyed McCain’s condescending line that Obama had been named the D nominee by “pundits and party elders have declared that Sen. Obama will be my opponent.” Be as dismissive of Obama as you like, but someone who claims to be above partisan politics should show a little less contempt for the voters.

Chickenhawk, meet Jayhawks

New law: H.R. 2356, which encourages the display of the flag of the United States on Father’s Day. Why?

Due to a freak accident during a meeting with the NCAA winners, the University of Kansas Jayhawks, George Bush’s head is replaced by a basketball.

What we need is more priority

Today Bush held a meeting to call for his tax cuts to be made permanent.

THE REMINDERER: “I do want to remind people what life was like in the years 2001 and 2003. The country was having some pretty tough economic times in 2001. Larry, you might remember that period.”

DR. LINDSEY: “I do -- painfully.”

Larry Lindsey, one of his economic advisers in that period, is the guy who was fired for saying that the Iraq War might cost as much as $200 billion.

THE SOPHISTICATES: “clearly the economy was slowing, and so we had to strategize on how to deal with it. And Larry and others agreed that the best way to deal with economic uncertainty is to let people have more of their own money, because we believe that the economy benefits when there’s more money in circulation, in the hands of the people who actually earned it. I know that’s probably not as sophisticated a concept as some of you all up here have articulated, but it’s a concept that worked.”


IT’S CERTAIN THAT REPUBLICANS WILL ALWAYS TRY TO CUT TAXES ON THE RICH: “Let’s make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “Our fellow citizens have got to understand that those tax cuts aren’t permanent. In other words, if Congress allows them to expire, here are the consequences: First of all, taxes go up by an average of $280 billion a year...”

WHAT WE BELIEVE: “we believe American families benefit when they have more money to spend.”

WHAT WE NEED: “We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority.”

SO IT SHOULD JUST BE ALL THINGS TO ALL RICH PEOPLE: “People got to set the priorities. Government can’t try to be all things to all people.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “If Congress doesn’t act, 27 [sic] small business owners will face a tax increase of $4,066 on average. In other words, that $4,000, on average, for the small businesses won’t be available for investment, won’t be available for programs that help their employees, will make it harder for them to compete.”

There is a series of moments and this is one of them

Bush, in grr mode:

“Kill them! We are going to wipe them out!”

“There is a series of moments and this is one of them.”

“We are not blinking.”

Also not blinking anymore: PFC Ross McGinnis, 19. Bush awarded him the Medal of Honor today and nuzzled his mother.

Not waving but drowning

George Bush went to church today. This is him waving dolefully before the service:


This is him waving dolefully after the service:


Cheer up, George, at least you didn’t burst into flames. Did Laura not promise there would be ice cream after?

Even I’m not interested in my thoughts about the Puerto Rico primary (update: literally as I was writing that, an email came in for Hillary herself, so I can relay her thoughts on the Puerto Rico primary: “Now there can be no doubt: the people have spoken and you have chosen your candidate.” Just in case you had any doubt), so instead let’s have some more London Review of Books personals, some of which this time are a little creepy. (More of my selected LRB personals can be found here.)

This time next week you’ll think replying to this advert was the best decision you’ve ever made. At the same time you’ll be regretting your choice of footwear. Why? Because dark soles aren’t allowed on my mother’s newly laid laminates. Don’t worry, I’ve already bought you slippers (size four) and pyjamas (size 10) and a brush for your beautiful long red hair (I’ve had ‘Susan’ engraved on the handle, that’s what I’d like to call you). Size 10 Susans with size four feet, please, reply to box no. 10/02 You can be any age but if you’re 42 with a birthday on September 6 it will be a distinct advantage. Otherwise we can just pretend. Box no. 10/02

The usual hyperbole infuses this ad with a whiff of playful narcissism and Falstaffian bathos. But scratch below the surface and you’ll soon find that I really am the greatest man ever to have lived. Truly great man, 37. Better than Elvis and Ghandi. You’ll never be a genuinely worthy partner, but try anyway by first replying to box no. 10/03 Include a full list of qualifications, a list of your aspirations, and a full frontal nude body shot. Box no. 10/03

At first glance you may consider me a true modernist in the von Webern sense, but – like him – deep down I’m very much a romantic. As my collection of taxidermied amphibians will testify. Man, 60. Box no. 10/06

This advert is my entry to the LRB’s young person essay writing contest. I won’t win it, however, because it is far too clever by half and also because I’m 62. Man, 62. Far too clever by half. Box no. 10/08

Think of every sexual partner you’ve ever had. I’m nothing like them. Unless you’ve ever slept with a German bulimic cellist called Elsa. Elsa: German bulimic cellist, (F, 37). Box no. 10/09

Fighter Ace, Nobel/Olympic legend, seeks slim lady tired of bullshit.

Mad Dog and Englishman, 24, interested in Wagner, Edwardianism, fortified wines, and debauchery, seeks older women for coy exchanges of Wildean put-downs, followed by forbidden candle-lit passions, leading to clandestine affair, epic betrayal, and eventual Götterdämmerung and redemption. Accountants and Paleontologists need not apply. Box no. 11/03

You’re Helen Mirren. I’m Will Self. One half of this century’s übercouple-to-be seeks tousled fems to 50 for weekends full of recondite wines, obscure blandishments, and winning references to abstruse 11th century sexual practices. No loons. Box no. 11/06