Wednesday, May 21, 2003

The Group of the Martyr Ebenezer Scrooge

Remember Steve Hatfill? He’s the guy very possibly behind the anthrax mailings. He decided to take a photo of the FBI agent who was following him around, whereupon the agent drove off, in an SUV--natch--running over his foot. Hatfill got a $5 jaywalking ticket. No word on whether the Fibbie got picked up for hit & run.

RNC chair Marc Racicot, recently caught committing the Republican crime of meeting with gay groups, albeit secretly, has been coerced into meeting as well with a group of “ex-gays.”

Milosevic’s war crimes prosecutors are granted an extra 100 days of court time to make their case. Milosevic will have two years to put on his defense. No matter what the ultimate verdict is, this is a good start.

Speaking of war crimes, an Iraqi general who was arrested by Denmark for that and who escaped from house arrest is back in Iraq, with CIA backing. Did the CIA actually help a war criminal escape from Denmark?

Here’s a nice start to a story: “A senior civil servant leading a campaign to ban pornography from French television has denied sworn witness statements that he once took part in sado-masochistic soirees run by a convicted serial killer.”

A meeting of icons today, Nelson Mandela and David Beckham, who seems to be wearing Bo Derrick’s old hairstyle.

The Total Information Awareness program will be renamed Terrorist Information Awareness, which should eliminate any possible doubts that it would misuse information. For example, millions will be spent developing a database of people’s walks so that they can be identified from quite a long way away. No columnist has been able to mention this without referring to Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks. There is no reason to think this even works.

Speaking of counter-terrorism, in 1974 a fake “Group of the Martyr Ebenezer Scrooge” issued a threat of some sort against Santa Claus. The CIA investigated and kept the results classified for 29 years.

Still speaking of counter-terrorism, Tom Ridge is refusing to release the transcripts of the call from the Texas fuzz that brought them into the search for the missing legislators. The cops have already ordered all records of the incident destroyed. Homeland Security will be investigating itself, but its inspector general, one Clark Kent Ervin has had to recuse himself, because when he removes his glasses, he is revealed as a highly partisan appointment from Texas.

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