These agreements will help our friends in neighborhoods and help them lift them out of poverty

Bush gave a speech at the University of Miami Center for Hemispheric Policy today, in which he called on Congress to pass free trade treaties with Peru, Colombia and Panama because “I made my mind about the importance of trade and investment”.

What would those treaties do? “These agreements will help our friends in neighborhoods and help them lift them out of poverty.”


“These agreements will counter the false populism promoted by some nations in the hemisphere.” I’m not sure what false populism might be, but I’m pretty sure Bush doesn’t much care for the real thing either. (In previous posts I’ve written about the use of populism as a scare word against Venez... pardon me, “some nations.”)

Surprisingly, he addressed the use of violence and murder against trade union members in Colombia, although without giving a sense of its scale, which is massive. “President Uribe takes these concerns seriously, and he has responded decisively. He’s established an independent prosecutors unit to investigate and punish homicides against labor unionists.” The conviction rate to date has been about 2%, which isn’t my definition of “decisively.”

“Both houses of the Colombian legislature have expressed overwhelming support for the trade agreement with the United States. And now they’re waiting to see if we will uphold our end of the deal.” No, George, there is no deal until Congress ratifies it.


“And yet, many of our citizens feel uneasy about competition, and they worry that trade will cost jobs. You know, I understand why. I understand that if you’re forced to change a job halfway through a career it can be painful for your family. I know that.” Indeed, George himself left a promising job as town drunk at the age of 40. He thinks everyone who loses a job should go to community college.

And of course because he was in Miami, talk turned to Cuba. When the “long rule of a cruel dictator” ends, “nations throughout the hemisphere and the world must insist on free speech, free assembly; they must insist that the prisoner in Cuba be free.” Just the one, mind you.


In preparation for this speech, he gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal, in which he repeatedly said that the speech would “remind” people of things: “I will remind people the benefits of trade for our economy”; “I just want to keep reminding people of the benefits of trade”; “I will remind people that the country was very isolationist and very protectionist in the 1920s”.

However, that might not be enough: “You know, pointing to the 1920s is a good example of what can happen, but that’s not going to help the fellow who is sitting behind the coffee shop, worrying about whether or not his job is going to go overseas or her job is going to go somewhere else. I understand that.” Er, why is he sitting behind the coffee shop? (And why is the worker always seen as male?)

He is very worried about the return of isolationism and protectionism. “We have lost sight of what it means to be a nation willing to be aggressive in the world and spread freedom or deal with disease.” I don’t know how to even begin to respond to that.

Asked about economic inequality (with new data from 2005 out showing that the top 1% of taxpayers in the US now earn a record 21.2% of all US income, with the bottom 50% getting under 13%), Bush explained that the super-rich deserve every penny: “skills gaps yield income gaps.” Evidently No Child Left Behind will take care of that; “what needs to be done about the inequality of income is to make sure people have got good education.” Also... well, I’ll let him express this in his own words and also IN his OTHER WORDS: “I’ve been told that of the bottom 20 percent of the people, half will move up; and that over the last 10 years, the top 20 percent, one half of them are newcomers -- the top 20 percent -- in other words, there’s mobility.”


He again praised community colleges, which he says helped North Carolina, “where the textiles -- many textiles left the country.”

I hadn’t noticed that he’d stopped using his favorite all-purpose adjective, but here it is again: “one of the interesting benefits of free trade is that our consumers have more choices”. “One of the interesting things about our relationship [between him and Putin] is that we both want Russia to join the WTO.” Why does he want that? “And I think it’s going to be very interesting for there to be -- very important for there to be a dispute -- a resolution mechanism available.”

Sensitivity

Oddly enough, the wiping out of 1.5 million people has ongoing consequences. The Armenian genocide is not simply a matter for dusty old tomes, but is part and parcel of the official definition of Turkish identity based on suppression of minority identities and free speech. Yesterday, two journalists were convicted for “insulting Turkishness” by calling the Armenian genocide “genocide.” One of those journalist’s father was being prosecuted for the same thing when he was murdered in January. I dunno, I’m just not that receptive to arguments in favor of respecting the Turks’ sensitivity about the mere mention of the skeletons in their rather capacious closet.

Speaking of sensitive souls, Charles Law, an Englishman convicted of kicking a 13-year old boy in the leg for making fun of his mustache, has decided to shave off the mustache in amends.


(Update: Law has been in fights over the mustache before. And, in a non-facial-hair-related-incident that didn’t make it into most of the articles I looked at, was convicted of manslaughter in 2000 for stabbing his brother to death. So maybe not so funny, especially since he scared off the group of teenagers bothering him by pretending to have a knife.)

Kallyfornia’s Governor Terminator vetoed a bill preventing school districts giving work permits to 13- to 17-year olds maintaining less than a C average.

That responsibility falls entirely on the contractor

Speaking about the incident in Baghdad Tuesday when mercenaries for an Australian firm bodyguarding USAID employees fired 40 bullets into a car that failed to get out of the way fast enough – which is a terrible, terrible thing and I categorically deny ever having had fantasies exactly like it – State Dept spokesmodel Kurtis Cooper denied any responsibility, much less accountability, waving around a contract: “A.I.D. does not direct the security arrangements of its contractors. These groups are contractually responsible for the safety and security of their employees. That responsibility falls entirely on the contractor.” Yes, the contract says that the contractors are contractually responsible. From the Latin contractus, meaning, “Dude, you totally blew the shit out of that chariot.”

Not the right response to these historic mass killings

The Turkish government has issued an order to crush the Kurdish PKK, including military raids into Iraq. The order refers to the PKK as “the terrorist organization.” Speaking of scary words, Turkey is also pressing the US very strongly not to use the word “genocide” to describe the Armenian Oops, Shit Happens Event of 1915. The Turkish ambassador says, “You cannot expect any nation to accept that kind of labeling.” Not even Germany?

Update: Bush this morning publicly told Congress that he doesn’t want it to recognize the Armenian genocide... no, actually it’s worse than that: he wants the proposed resolution to be voted down, which would mean not just passively ignoring the genocide but actively refusing to acknowledge it. He says passage of the resolution “would do great harm to our relations with a key ally in NATO and in the global war on terror.” So we’re going to fight terror by whitewashing genocide. Gates and Condi also spoke against the resolution.


Bush insisted “This resolution is not the right response to these historic mass killings”, but failed to say what the right response actually is. Later, Dana Peroxide informed us that the right response – indeed the only response that should emanate from any part of the American government – is Bush’s feeble annual declarations, which never use the word genocide or assign any blame for the events of 1915, preferring to say that many Armenians “lost their lives,” which was darned careless of them (see my posts on the last two of these declarations, which link to their texts). Perino said, “He’s been on record every single year through a presidential message. I encourage you to read it. It’s quite long; I won’t bore -- I won’t read it all for you here.” She also helpfully suggested that “the Turks and the Armenians should have a discussion and work this out amongst themselves.”

Republican Debate on Economics: Wealth Creates Wealth

Republican debate on CNBC. Transcript. Questions were by Chris Matthews and a Money Honey.

Giuliani: She Who Must Not Be Named (that would be Hillary) “once said that the unfettered free market is the most destructive force in modern America.”


There’s actually quite a bit of Hillary-bashing. Not so much with the Obama- or Edwards-bashing.

Romney suggests that the Democratic governor of Michigan so loves herself some taxes that she would tax this debate. Like that would be a bad thing.

McCain tells Ron Paul to read “The Wealth of Nations,” says “wealth creates wealth.”



McCain on the proposed cigarette tax to fund S-CHIP: “So we want to take care of children’s health and we want everyone to smoke? I don’t get it.” That’s his new slogan by the way: “McCain ‘08: I Don’t Get It.”


McCain is against wasteful spending.

Brownback: we’re taxed to the max.

The sexual tension between Romney and Giuliani is palpable as they incomprehensibly attack each other’s respective records on taxes. Romney used the line-item veto 844 times! Rudy cut taxes 24 times! I cut taxes more! No, I cut taxes more! He raised the commuter tax!


Read everyone’s lips: no new taxes.

McCain: a lot of people don’t know that 50,000 Americans make their living off eBay. Wealth creates wealth.

Tancredo says we can save the economy by getting rid of illegal aliens. Or possibly the other way around: I try not to listen to Tancredo.


McCain: it sounds like a lot of fun to bash China.

Thompson: low taxes grow the economy, as was proven in the 1920s, the Kennedy administration and the Reagan administration and... hey, did he just hold up the 1920s as a model for the American economy?


Tancredo thinks that if California doesn’t allow off-shore oil-drilling, it shouldn’t get any of the oil from Louisiana. After all, he has no objection to oil-drilling off the coast of Colorado.

Romney: I spent my life in the economy. Most of us spend dollars, Mitt.

Brownback on America: “this place rocks.”

McCain says several times that energy efficiency is a national-security issue, and no he wouldn’t restrict oil company profits or make them reinvest those profits in energy efficiency. Wealth creates wealth.

Asked whether they hate unions, and to name good unions and bad unions, several candidates trot out their dues-paying grandmothers, Frederick of Hollywood asks if the Screen Actors’ Guild counts, and Chris Matthews tries to get Giuliani to sing “Look for the union label,” but Rudy just can’t sing unless he’s wearing a dress.


Chris Matthews slyly attempts to trip Thompson up by asking him the name of the Canadian prime minister but, astonishingly, Thompson gets it right. He is totally qualified to be president after all.


McCain said that the president of France (it’s unclear if McCain knows his name)_is pro-American, which, he says, just goes to show that “if you live long enough, anything is possible.” That’s just the sort of comment that really boosts pro-American attitudes in France.

Good evening.

Democracy means majority

An email from Fred Thompson’s campaign manager says that during today’s debate, the first one Freddy is showing up for (the topic is economic policy, be still my beating heart; I can barely wait to find out if anyone will come out in favor of cutting taxes), “Fred will look Presidential and be substantive.” Is there something wrong about a campaign that needs to insist that its candidate “looks presidential”?

Man, I am tired of debates. Pakistan has the right idea: instead of 16 presidential candidates, or however many we have these days, just one. And no vote of the actual, you know, people. Says Generalissimo Musharraf, “Democracy means majority, whether there is opposition or no opposition.” So much more succinct than the Federalist Papers.

Freedom, ain’t it grand

American-occupied Afghanistan has resumed mass executions.

In keeping with tactics taught to al Qaeda members through their training guide

Responding to claims by a released Guantanamo prisoner that guards abused the Koran, Navy spokesmodel Rick Haupt said, “Allegations from detainees is common behavior and in keeping with tactics taught to al Qaeda members through their training guide.” In keeping with. See, the very act of making accusations of abuse shows what bad people they are and why such accusations should be ignored. Just like hunger-striking is “consistent with Al Qaida training.”

Petraeus accuses the Iranian ambassador to Iraq of being a “Quds Force member,” implying without actually saying that he is using diplomatic cover for nefarious activities (“Now he has diplomatic immunity and therefore he is obviously not subject [to scrutiny]”).

He also accuses the Quds Force of arming, funding and directing operations that have killed US soldiers, saying, “There should be no question about the malign, lethal involvement and activities of the Quds Force in this country.” Really, there should be no question. Don’t question anything I say.

Really, malign, lethal involvement and activities. Who do they think they are, Blackwater?

Col. Combover also said that Baghdad is now so safe, “You could walk right down Haifa street right now.” He speaks in the second person because he personally certainly hasn’t done that, and isn’t going to do that. “Nobody will let me do it,” the supreme commander said.

This morning, Bush attended the National Fallen Firefighters Memorial Weekend. Had himself a fine old time.

Not necessarily inappropriate

Oxford University Press is looking for “the word which represents the events or the moods of the 21st century.” Any suggestions?

The lawyer for Andrew Moonen, the Blackwater merc who shot the Iraqi vice president’s bodyguard dead and who was almost immediately hired by another mercenary outfit, speaks: “Being drunk, yeah, maybe that’s the basis for being fired. But I don’t think it’s necessarily inappropriate for another defense contractor to hire somebody because they happen to be drunk once in their life with some serious consequences.”

Wow, what a compassionate group of people

So I went to the supermarket today, and tried to buy one-third of a pound of ground beef from a butcher with a less than solid grasp of fractions. He asked me if a third was more or less than a half; he thought it was about the same as three-fourths. It is to weep.

Speaking of ill-educated butchers, George Bush gave an interview
to Al Arabiya yesterday. He was even less coherent than usual. His average sentence sounded like this: “And they’re making progress that I believe where the average Palestinian and average Israeli will begin to see what a vision looks like.”

He explained to the interviewer that “One of the hardest things for me is to meet with a mother.” Er, I think he meant mothers of soldiers killed in one of his wars (he had met once such mother the day before). Fortunately, there was an upside: “I leave most of the meetings reassured that the loved one, in this case, fully understanding what we were doing. ... And so I leave those meetings saddened by the fact that a person has pain in her heart -- and yesterday she had pain in her heart -- but encouraged by the fact that her son died for a noble cause and a necessary cause.” So that’s okay then.

IN OTHER WORDS: In response to the idea that he is an enemy of Islam: “I’ve heard that, and it just shows [sic] to show a couple of things: One, that the radicals have done a good job of propagandizing. In other words, they’ve spread the word that this really isn’t peaceful people versus radical people or terrorists, this is really about the America not liking Islam.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “The reason I do this [the Iftaar dinner] is I want people to understand about my country. In other words, I hope this message gets out of America.”

THE MOST VALUABLE THING ABOUT AMERICA: “And the value -- the most valuable thing I think about America is that -- particularly if you’re a religious person -- you can be free to worship, and it’s your choice to make.” Particularly if you’re a religious person.

Indeed, as I believe Henry Ford once said, you’re free to worship any god, as long as it’s black: “See, I believe there is a universal God. I believe the God that the Muslim prays to is the same God that I pray to. After all, we all came from Abraham.”

BY “NOISE,” PRESUMABLY HE MEANS THAT CONGRESSIONAL RESOLUTION: “And I know there’s some noise out of here about partition [of Iraq]. But most folks who follow this issue don’t support partition, and they don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“You can’t make the decisions if you’re worried about getting blown up. And what the enemy wants to do, the enemy of a free Iraq, they want to create enough chaos and confusion inside Iraq that causes people to doubt. And they want, by the way, to kill enough innocent people that causes the American people to lose their patience and determination to help freedom movements.”

THE MAIN PROBLEM: “the main problem has been not the Iraqis or not the United States, but it’s been the fact that people have murdered.”

THAT’S PRETTY DARNED HARDENED: “Their hearts are so hardened that they’re willing to kill innocent people.”

WHAT GEORGE BELIEVES: “See, I believe murderers murder”.

“The Iraqis have been through a lot of bloodshed and violence. And yet they’re still strong in their desire to achieve -- the Iraqis will be successful.”

He talked about political assassinations in Lebanon: “And we need to know who is doing that assassinations”.

IN OTHER WORDS: About the Hariri assassination: “There needs to be a definitive moment where the evidence is laid out, and if it’s clear evidence -- in other words, if somebody’s guilty, they ought to be held to account so that murder is not -- so that there’s this clear signal that murder is not going to be accepted.” Dude, it’s Lebanon. They may not accept American Express, but they sure as hell accept murder.

WHAT HE REALLY WANTS THE PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE EAST TO HEAR: “And that’s really what I want the people in the Middle East to hear -- that each issue is an issue that’s got difficult problems, but there’s an interconnection.”

THE MEN, NOT SO MUCH: “I think one of the great potentials of the Middle East is women.”

WOW: “Our country is a loving country. It’s hard for me to believe that people can’t look at America and say, wow, what a compassionate group of people – because we are.”

We got professionals who are trained in this kind of work

Congressional hearings on Iraqi corruption Thursday. See the WaPo and David Corn articles. The anti-corruption official fired by Maliki for actually trying to stop corruption testified about the level of corruption and the violence against his agency. Asshole points to Rep. John Mica, who said it’s no worse than Watergate, and a lot of witnesses against Bill Clinton also happened to “die suddenly,” so it’s not a big deal. Also testifying, State Dept official Larry Butler, who said that Iraqi corruption is a classified matter, and refused to answer any questions in public.

Bush spoke briefly to the press this morning. First, he talked about the economy and how “I also am going to make it very clear to people in Congress that we’re not going to raise their taxes on the working people.” The word “their” puzzled me for a second. At first, I thought he was saying that he wasn’t going to raise taxes on “people in Congress,” but I think what he actually means is that every bit of taxation should be blamed on Congress, that he has nothing whatsoever to do with it.


Then he addressed the newly discovered Gonzales torture opinion. He suggested that anyone objecting to torture is opposed even to arresting terrorists: “There’s been a lot of talk in the newspapers and on TV about a program that I put in motion to detain and question terrorists and extremists.” “I have put this program in place for a reason...” he said.


Oh, you’re wondering what that reason is? “...and that is to better protect the American people.” It’s just as reasonable as that. “And when we find somebody who may have information regarding an -- a potential attack on America, you bet we’re going to detain them, and you bet we’re going to question them”. For years if not decades to come. You bet.

However, “this government does not torture people. You know, we stick to U.S. law and our international obligations.” And what makes them so sticky? The blood of tortured detainees on their hands.


IN OTHER WORDS: “there are highly trained professionals questioning these extremists and terrorists. In other words, we got professionals who are trained in this kind of work”. Actually, one of the reasons for the issuing of the secret legal opinion was that the CIA in fact had no trained interrogators slash torturers. Although if there actually are “highly trained” interrogators slash torturers, as he says, I’d be interested to here more about the training program. How long does it last? Is there a certificate? Are they certified separately in various techniques, i.e., is there a waterboarding license? Etc.

He insisted that “the techniques that we use have been fully disclosed to appropriate members of the United States Congress.” Appropriate? I want a list. A list of the members of Congress who know about every “technique” being used on prisoners.

He assured us that prisoners will continue to be tortured in the future: “The American people expect their government to take action to protect them from further attack. And that’s exactly what this government is doing, and that’s exactly what we’ll continue to do.”

Of elephants, buttocks art and a death at Gitmo

Another suicide at Guantanamo. By a Saudi prisoner who in five years had never been allowed to see a lawyer.

Two good headlines from the AP today: “Ohio Porn Presentation Has Explanation” and “Va. Teacher Fired for Buttocks Art Sues.” That teacher has a website called buttprintart.com. Really not that interesting.

Everyone’s had fun today with this logo:


I believe it was adopted from this photo (which used to be my screensaver), from a presidential visit to Africa in 2003:

A very Chimpy Iftaar: A history of standing with Muslims facing suffering and hardship

Bush held an Iftaar dinner at the White House, celebrating the end of Ramadan fasting. One innovation I spotted in the pictures: women. Usually they’re stuck in a segregated event with Laura. Possibly this is because the event is more international than usual this year, including ambassadors of countries with Muslims in them, some of whom, like the ambassador from Singapore (15% Muslim), are women.


The Congressional Ramadan resolution, which called Islam “one of the great religions of the world,” passed the House 376-0, but 42 voted “present.” Of those 42, 41 were Republicans (the D was Mike McIntyre of NC).

The White House dinner’s prayer was offered by an imam who is also a Navy lt. commander (the entire US military has 10 Muslim chaplains), Abuhena Saifulislam, who said that anyone who helps a Muslim break their Ramadan fast will receive the same reward as the faster. So, he told Bush, “we have got you covered, man.”

Bush gave a speech – it occurs to me that I don’t know if he spoke before or after dinner; it would be a terrible thing to listen to Bush while fasting, but on the other hand it would be a terrible thing to listen to Bush on a full stomach. I guess what I’m saying is that it would be a terrible thing to listen to Bush. “The freedom of worship,” he said, “is central to the American character.” He said that “America is standing with mainstream citizens across the broader Middle East” against radical Muslims. “We say to them, you don’t represent Muslims, you do not represent Islam”. I don’t know whose job it is to determine who represents Islam, but I’m pretty sure it’s not George W. Bush.

He said, “Americans have a history of standing with Muslims facing suffering and hardship”. In fact, Americans have a history of standing quite near to Muslims facing suffering and hardship. Funny that.

Bush, praying.

Cheney, praying. Yes, it does look remarkably like napping.

Earlier in the day, Bush met the majority leader of the Lebanese Parliament. I don’t have anything to say about that, but here are some pictures of Bushies (including Elliott Abrams) standing around awkwardly during it.

It’s hard to do the hard things now

I haven’t listened to it yet myself, but the BBC just started a 6-part (radio) production of Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. The first episode will be available here until the 2nd one airs next Wednesday, and so on.

This morning Bush spoke to the Lancaster (PA) Chamber of Commerce and Industry. And answered some questions.

He explained his job: “My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions.”


He explained economics: “But I just want to make sure you understand what I know, and that is prosperity occurs because people work hard and dream dreams, and work to fulfill those dreams.” Of course if they’re working hard and dreaming dreams at the same time, it would be good if they weren’t forklift operators. Also, when Bush talks about people having dreams, those dreams are always money-based, aren’t they?

A VERY FISCAL DOUBLE IN OTHER WORDS: “The job of the government is to create fiscal policy such that people feel inspired or confident in risking capital. In other words, the job of government is to create an environment that encourages entrepreneurship. One of the issues that we’re going to be facing in Washington, D.C. is how to spend your money. In other words, what do we do with the good money that we’ve -- the good money we’ve collected?” As opposed to bad money, where Benjamin Franklin has a goatee.

IN OTHER WORDS: “I want to tell you a startling statistic, that based on their own states’ projections -- in other words, this isn’t a federal projection, it’s the states saying this is what’s happening...”


CONDESCENDING TWIT: “Poor children in America are covered by what’s called Medicaid.”

That factoid is intended to justify his veto of the S-CHIP bill, of which he says: “here’s the thing, just so you know, this program expands coverage, federal coverage up to families earning $83,000 a year. That doesn’t sound poor to me. The intent of the program was to focus on poor children, not adults or families earning up to $83,000 a year.”

He used the words “intent” or “initial intent” a lot, as in: “I believe in helping poor people -- which was the intent of S-CHIP, now being expanded beyond its initial intent.” He sounds like one of his judges invoking the original intent of the founding fathers, except in this case the founding father of S-CHIP was, um, Ted Kennedy.


Later on, he talked about No Child Left Behind and the importance of education, but first... “I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, Mr. President, here’s what’s on my mind. And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device [sic], I decide, you know, I say, this is what we’re going to do. And it’s ‘yes, sir, Mr. President.’ ... I always tell Condi Rice, I want to remind you, Madam Secretary, who has the Ph.D. and who was the C student. (Laughter.) And I want to remind you who the advisor is and who the President is. (Laughter.)” And you know, I’ll bet Condi pretends to laugh each and every time he says that, and grits her teeth and dies a little bit inside, each and every time.

You know, the thought of Condi pretending to laugh and gritting her teeth and dying a little bit inside brightens my whole day. Does that make me a bad person?

CONDESCENDING TWIT II: “This war is really hard for the American people to understand because the enemy uses asymmetrical warfare.”

A VERY AGRICULTURAL IN OTHER WORDS: “I believe it’s in the interest of local farmers to have markets available to them. In other words, a core principle of any good farm policy is for the administration to work to open up markets.”

A VERY AGRICULTURAL DOUBLE IN OTHER WORDS: “I believe very strongly that programs that encourage overproduction are programs that need to be seriously evaluated. In other words, I’d rather you selling into existing markets than producing where there be no market. In other words, it’s a combination -- look, I’m a safety-net person for farmers.”

A VERY ENVIRONMENTAL AND VERY CONFUSED IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words -- and so what I’m beginning to tell you is -- what I am -- not beginning, what I am telling you is that we have a comprehensive strategy to deal with energy security and environmental quality at the same time.”

IN FRONT OF THE WHAT NOW? “I gave a speech the other day in front of the major economies of the world.”



NO YOU DON’T GOT TO: “If you’re an environmentalist and concerned about greenhouse gases, you got to be for nuclear power.”

MORE INSIGHT INTO THE BUSHIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE (HINT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO KNOW THE NAMES OF ANY OF YOUR SUBORDINATES): “And so, in the meantime, however, this border security initiative is still going on down there on the border. I’m constantly in touch with the person in charge. I said, here’s what you said you’re going to do; are you’re doing it? That’s one of the jobs of the President, is to hold people to account. I’m interested in results. I said, you’re going to come in and check in with me on a regular basis to show me what’s happening. And it’s amazing what happens -- I’m sure you do this in your businesses -- you say, you show up and give me an accounting of what’s taken place.”

ASKED ABOUT THE PROSPECTS FOR AN ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN DEAL: “So one of the interesting breakthroughs has been that the Israelis have come to believe, and rightly so, that it’s in their long-term interest that we work toward a Palestinian democracy. Otherwise, the demographics will overwhelm the Israeli democracy.” Maybe the Palestinians shouldn’t be taking advice about democracy from someone who thinks it can be “overwhelmed” by demographics.

“And so one of the things Condi and I are working on is to see if we can’t get the two parties to agree on what a state would look like so that the average Palestinian says, wait a minute, I’m sick and tired of this violence; I’m not going to support those who espouse radicalism and violence in order to achieve an objective, because here’s a different vision.” You know, I’m pretty sure there will never come a time when the average, or indeed when any, Palestinian actually says, “Wait a minute, I’m sick and tired of this violence; I’m not going to support those who espouse radicalism and violence in order to achieve an objective, because here’s a different vision.”

WHOSE BORDER?: “Iran is using Hezbollah in Lebanon, and is worried about democracy in the Middle East; can’t stand the thought of a democratic government on our border; is creating issues of peace.”

SO TRUE: “It’s hard to do the hard things now.”

I was a little surprised when the “childrens is learning” line got so much play, when he commits similar grammatical grotesqueries every single day hour minute. Presumably it was because it came during remarks about education. Anyhoo: “I believe strongly that Pell Grants is one good way of helping families afford higher education.”

But, just as he doesn’t think families earning $83,000 could have difficulties affording health insurance for their children, neither does he think finding the $83,000 or whatever it costs these days for a college education is that big a deal: “My view is this, that if you work hard and you want to go to college, you can find all the help you want. Now, some people don’t like repaying loans, but that’s part of life. If we can borrow some of your money -- if somebody’s going to borrow some of your money, they ought to repay your money.”

A VERY EDUMACATIONAL IN OTHER WORDS: “And so therefore we said, you design the tests. In other words, I said, you design the tests, not the federal government.”

Asked about the twins: “And that was -- I really wrestled with the decision to run for President because, of all the candidates, I understand what it means to be a son or daughter of a President.” Um, Jenna and Not-Jenna were just entering college; you were in your 40s when your father became president. Just saying.

George played a game of let’s humiliate the nice lady from the food bank trying to ask why you killed the supplemental commodity food program (which you can’t even remember):

CHIMPY: Well, you raised your hand. (Laughter.) You didn’t mean it? You want -- you want a little chance to collect the thoughts, you know? I mean we’re talking national TV here, you know? (Laughter and applause.)

Q: I actually wrote it down so I wouldn’t get flustered.

CHIMPY: Yes -- it didn’t work. (Laughter.) It’s just the President.

Prick.

How did this woman get in?

Sorry, I can’t resist (and I did try, sort of): ...and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Not looking to really profit off this thing

From the AP, my new favorite news story of all time:

Two U.S. Men Fight for Custody of Amputated Leg

A South Carolina man who stored his severed leg in a barbecue smoker that was later auctioned off is locked in a custody dispute with a North Carolina man who found it.

John Wood’s leg was amputated near the knee after a 2004 airplane crash. He asked doctors to give it to him so he could be buried as a whole man when he died.

The limb, which Wood had kept in the smoker in a storage facility after he lost his home, was bought by Shannon Whisnant last Tuesday in an auction held by the storage company because Wood had missed his monthly payments.

Whisnant initially gave it to police, who subsequently turned it over to a funeral home when it became clear it was not the result of foul play.

But Whisnant, who put a sign on the empty smoker charging adults $3 and children $1 for a look, now wants it back.

“He’s making a freak show out of it,” Wood told The Charlotte Observer for a Monday story. “He wants to put money in his pocket with this thing.”

Whisnant, who was unsuccessful in his bid to get the leg from the funeral home, consulted with a lawyer and decided his best move was to persuade Wood to share custody and profits.

“It’s a strange incident and Halloween’s just around the corner,” Whisnant said. “The price will be going up if I get (a stake in) the leg.”

Wood, who is heading to Maiden to pick up his leg, said the two men can meet, but he is not interested in using the leg to make money.

“I just think it’s despicable,” he said. “I don’t mind having the 15 minutes of fame, but I’m not looking to really profit off this thing.”

Humble, well-grounded, and filled with common sense

Giuliani addressed a group of Republican women in California, saying, “What you see in their eyes is Jimmy Carter and what you see in my eyes is Ronald Reagan.” I’d see an ophthalmologist about that right away.

Today marked the changing of the guard at the Pentagon, with the alliterative Peter Pace retiring as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, replaced by the alliterative Mike Mullen.


Bush talked about the parents of both men, whilst humorously pointing out that his own mother is a bitch. Pace’s mother, Bush reported, “said the General has been good at everything he’s ever done. Some of you may think mothers are required to say only admiring things about their sons. Well, take it from me, it’s not always the case. (Laughter.)” Uncomfortable laughter, no doubt.

Mullen’s parents, Bush pointed out, worked in Hollywood, but somehow Mullen is “humble, well-grounded, and filled with common sense. (Laughter.) Not exactly what one thinks about when they think of Hollywood values. (Laughter.)” Humble, well-grounded, common-sensical laughter, no doubt.

If asked, by the way, Bush will no doubt tell you that he himself is humble, well-grounded, and filled with common sense.

Scary, isn’t it?


Mullen’s qualifications for his new job, like Rudy Giuliani’s for the presidency, are based on where he happened to be on 9/11: “Admiral Mike Mullen understands what’s at stake in the war on terror. He was on duty at the Pentagon when Flight 77 made its doomed plunge. He felt the plane slam into the building.”


Bush and Pace declare one last thumb war. They will not know how to get out of that one either.

Why are you destroying the country?

A NYT article in Friday’s paper about the court-martial noted the pressure in sniper units to increase body counts. It also reported that the commanders who introduced the baiting program also “sought less restrictive rules of engagement — to legalize the combat killing of anyone who made a soldier ‘feel threatened,’ for example, instead of showing hostile intent or actions.” Um, NYT, so did they get those changes or not?

Karzai says he wants to offer Mullah Omar a government position, if he only knew where he was. “If I find their address, there is no need for them to come to me, I’ll personally go there and get in touch with them,” Karzai said. He wants to ask the Taliban leaders, “Esteemed Mullah, sir, and esteemed Hekmatyar, sir, why are you destroying the country?” That’s a trick question, right?

I admire the Islam

John McCain, interviewed by a religious website (video and transcript), said that the number one issue people should use in selecting a president is “Will this person carry on in the Judeo Christian principled tradition that has made this nation the greatest experiment in the history of mankind?” He added that “the Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation” (funny how quickly the Judeo part drops out).

However he did say, “I admire the Islam.”

And some time after the interview, he called back to clarify that he didn’t mean a Muslim couldn’t be president: “I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and defend our political values.” You know, the Christian ones.

Civics

The new naturalization test will include 100 questions (pdf) about American history and government. (Rising Hegemon has a good list of alternative questions.) The questions are okay, but the answers could use some work. For example, for question 2, “What does the Constitution do?”, allowable answers are a) sets up the government, b) defines the government, c) protects basic rights of Americans. Nothing about d) cleans Dick Cheney’s ass after each and every bowel movement.

Clearly we can do better. Contest: provide better answers to as many of the questions as you like.

I have a few suggestions:

1. What is the supreme law of the land? You do not talk about Fight Club.

3. The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution. What are these words? “Yo, homies, wassup?”

5. What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution? Suspended until further notice.

11. What is the economic system in the United States? Kleptocracy.

12. What is the ‘rule of law’? Jude Law will eventually remake every single one of Michael Caine’s movies, including Jaws: The Revenge.

14. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful? No, really, we’d really like to know.

15. Who is in charge of the executive branch? That box Cheney had installed in the middle of Bush’s back.

24. Who does a U.S. Senator represent? If you have to ask...

25. Why do some states have more Representatives than other states? Blatant favoritism.

26. We elect a President for how many years? Four, but sometimes it seems like 400.

30. If the President can no longer serve, who becomes President?


37. What does the judicial branch do? Under those robes, who can tell?

45. What are the two major political parties in the United States? Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

48. There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote. Describe one of them. I don’t have anything funny here, but, um, there are actually 5 amendments about who can vote. Somebody needs to go back and read the 14th again.

49. What is one responsibility that is only for United States citizens? Weaseling out of jury duty.

52. What do we show loyalty to when we say the Pledge of Allegiance? Richard Stands.

55. What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy? They list things like voting, joining a political party, calling your representative, writing to a newspaper. Not a fucking thing about blogging.

64. There were 13 original states. Name three. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

65. What happened at the Constitutional Convention? Those stains were there when we got here.

72. Name one war fought by the United States in the 1800s. The official correct answers are the War of 1812, the Mexican-American War, the Civil War and the Spanish-American War. No Indian wars.

86. What major event happened on September 11, 2001 in the United States? Rudy Giuliani started calling up his wife (and assorted mistresses) to tell them that he loves them.

I am an optimist, because I believe that I’m right

Today Bush signed a bill expanding the Pell Grant program (which has been shamefully eroding in value for years, and this won’t help that much). He spoke repeatedly about helping people “realize dreams.” “I love the fact that this country is dedicated to helping people who want to realize a dream.” Indeed, if you’ve ever dreamed about eating a hamburger bigger than your head, this is the country dedicated to helping you realize that dream.

Actually, I’m not really sure why this speech irritated me; I sort of hoped once I started writing, it would come to me as it usually does, but today not so much. Maybe knowing that if this program were being proposed for the first time now, he would fight it tooth and nail, but instead here he is trying to take credit for it, and expecting gratitude for the grants like they’re acts of personal charity on his part.

He brought out some Pell Grant recipients as props because “We believe it’s important to put a face behind what it means to get a Pell Grant.” So it’s important to see that the people who receive Pell Grants have faces.

Hey, George, can you In Other Words that for us? “In other words, every one of these folks up here is benefiting from the Pell Grant, so he or she can realize their dreams.”


See? They totally have faces.

I haven’t taken on the Bush-Aznar transcript from 2003, because I hate having to rely on the English translation of the Spanish translation of something Bush said in whatever language he speaks. Still, there’s this: “I am an optimist, because I believe that I’m right. I’m at peace with myself.” He is optimistic because he’s the good guy, and the good guy always wins.

This could be you!

Isn’t this just adorable? Two days ago, the Hillary Clinton campaign sent out an email from Bill with the subject line “You, me, a TV, and a bowl of chips,” in which he announces that 3 lucky campaign contributors will be invited to watch one of the debates: “We’ll sit down in front of a big TV with a big bowl of chips, watch the debate, and talk about the race.” Today – and remembering their Sopranos parody I knew this was coming – a follow-up email from Hillary asks, “If you are one of the three people who get the chance to join him, can you make sure he eats carrots, not chips?” Ha ha.

Also today, an email from John McCain, announcing that 3 lucky campaign contributors will be invited to join him on his campaign bus, has the scariest visual yet:


Which is more dangerous, John McCain attacking my face with a sander, or being placed between Bill Clinton and a large bowl of chips?

Childrens do learn

Just because the US Supreme Court will be considering whether the chemicals used in Texas’s executions are cruel and unusual doesn’t mean that Texas will stop executing retarded people in the meantime.

Speaking of... nah, too easy. This blog depends on the White House doing the one thing it actually does correctly: not cleaning up the transcripts of George Bush’s speeches on their website. Today they failed me, and indeed America, by cleaning up the sentence “As yesterday’s positive Report Card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.”

“It’s ‘children,’ doofus!”



I’m not sure what’s wrong with the LauraBot, but run, little black girl, run!

If you’re mercilessly killed by roaming bands, you know it’s genocide

This afternoon, Bush addressed a UN Security Council session on Africa. Because he totally gives a shit about Africa.


“[M]y nation has labeled what’s taking place in Darfur as genocide, and when we find genocide it’s time to do something about it.” By which he meant, of course, it’s time for someone else to do something about it. He told the African Union that the 7,000 troops it has deployed are not sufficient: “you know better than me that the area of Darfur is bigger than France, or Texas, and both are plenty big for 7,000 troops.” The AU responded, “You know, you should really stop explaining to Africans that parts of Africa are about the same size as some European country or some American state, as if even Africans need to compare Africa to someplace ‘real.’”



Bush said, “7,000 troops is not enough, if you believe what’s taking place on the ground is genocide. Maybe some don’t think it’s genocide, but if you’ve been raped, you think it’s -- your human rights have been violated. If you’re mercilessly killed by roaming bands, you know it’s genocide.”


You can’t mock a sentence like that. Bang your head repeatedly against a table, yes, but mock, no. It’s just sort of complete and pristine, you can only read it over and over and marvel.

The harsh steps necessary to spread liberty

Maliki says he is “multi-nationalistic,” that he has stopped “the explosion of a sectarian war,” and that Iran and Syria are no longer interfering in Iraqi affairs. So it must be true.

Bush spoke to the UN General Assembly today. He told them all about inherent human dignity (he was speaking as an outside observer).


He spoke about the universality of human rights... to a group of people who had to listen to him speaking.


He talked about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and somehow slipped into that declaration the right of American multi-national corporations to operate without let or hindrance: “When innocent people are trapped in a life of murder and fear, the Declaration is not being upheld. When millions of children starve to death or perish from a mosquito bite, we’re not doing our duty in the world. When whole societies are cut off from the prosperity of the global economy, we’re all worse off.”


He said that “the mission of the United Nations requires liberating people from tyranny and violence.” Er, no it isn’t.

He said “Americans are outraged by the situation in Burma, where a military junta has imposed a 19-year reign of fear.” Which either means that Americans have been outraged for the last 19 years, or they’re only just hearing about this now.


He called for “reform” of the UN, especially of the Human Rights Council. By reform, he meant stop criticizing Israel.

Later in the day, he held a “roundtable on democracy” because “I can think of no better way to work toward freedom than to strategize with leaders from around the world who are willing to take the harsh steps necessary to spread liberty.” No one can make liberty sound terrifying quite the way George Bush can.

And nothing to hide

For some reason I feel compelled to bring to your attention the, um, face of modern Polish feminism, the newly formed Women’s Party of Poland.

The campaign poster, curiously reminiscent of ads for The L Word, reads, “Everything for the future. The Party of Women. Poland is a Woman. And nothing to hide.” Those are the party’s parliamentary candidates.