Sausage fest

Today, Obama visited Germany and McCain visited Schmidt’s Sausage Haus und Restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. He had the bratwurst.

Speaking of things whose exact contents you really don’t want to know, McCain spoke his mind, saying that he stands by his previous declarations that Obama wants to lose the war in Iraq for political reasons, saying, “It’s pretty obvious he’s taken this position to secure the nomination of his party.”


He also got some cream puffs to go.

And speaking of cream puffs to go, Lindsey Graham was with him.


Fudge haus? Really, McCain? Really? That’s what you chose to stand in front of? Really? I spend much of my time making fun of the way George Bush speaks, and I still find that insultingly easy. Fudge haus, indeed.

Happy Captive Nations Week, everybody! Bush gave a little speech today about the “freedom agenda” at the offices of the USAID, which he described as being “on the front lines of compassion and decency and liberty.” Because nothing says compassion and decency and liberty like war terminology.


He quoted former presidents about how liberty and democracy and shit. It may be the first time I’ve ever heard someone quote Woodrow Wilson’s pledge to make the world safe for democracy other than in an ironic or sarcastic way.

He also talked about things former presidents did for liberty and democracy and shit, including “the Marshall Plan, the Berlin Airlift” and... wait for it... “support for freedom fighters in Central America”. Also, the invasions of Grenada and Panama.

“Even now, change is stirring in places like Havana and Damascus and Tehran. The people of these nations dream of a free future, hope for a free future, and believe that a free future will come. And it will. May God be with them in their struggle. America always will be.” So evidently we always will be, but God might be, because God’s a little, well, unreliable.

Headline of the Day

From the Guardian: “‘Karadzic Gave a Massage to My Wife and My Daughters’” (Subhead: Nick Medic tells of his horror at discovering his Serbian doctor’s true identity)

Caption contest:

Over-qualified to be president

McCain had planned to hold a campaign event on an off-shore oil rig tomorrow, but has cancelled due to Hurricane Dolly.

See? he does so know enough to come in out of the rain.

Representative Hunter, in more ways than one

Several commentators have said that McCain’s comment, which he repeated three times Tuesday, that Obama “would rather lose a war than lose a campaign” is the most scurrilous thing they’ve ever heard a politician say (I think it was Joe Klein that used the word scurrilous). I’d remind them that in 2002 Bush said that opposition to his plan to remove civil-service protections from government workers transferred into Homeland Security proved that the Democratic-controlled Senate was “not interested in the security of the American people”.

According to the WaPo’s indispensable Al Kamen, former presidential candidate Duncan Hunter wished to live up to his name by going to Chad to dunk hunt some wildebeest. All in a good cause, of course – he planned to donate the meat to refugees from Darfur. The State Dept told him there are no wildebeest in Chad, which bans big-game hunting anyway. The Republican Party must be so upset it didn’t choose this guy.

Rep. Hunter (R-CA)

A very Chimpy Colombian Independence Day: Libertad means freedom

Today, Bush held an event at the White House in honor of Colombian Independence Day. No one embarrassed him by asking if he knew when Colombia became independent or from what.

As always with such events, he took the opportunity to express his prowess in the Spanish language: “Thank you. Siéntese. Gracias. Buenos dias. Bienvenidos a la Casa Blanca.” “Hola, Luis.” “And after this brief discurso...” “They chanted a simple, but powerful message -- ‘Libertad’ -- that means freedom.”

WHY, WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT? SNIFF SNIFF. “As many of you may know, Colombia supports [sic] America’s primary source of energy -- a resource that many Americans use, and we thank you for your coffee.”


Did you know that the US “helped rescue Colombia from the brink of becoming a failed state”? Now you know.

He again called for Congress to pass the free-trade treaty with Colombia and praised President Uribe, who “has stood strong against tyranny and terror.” In the context of the speech’s previous paragraph, it is clear that by “tyranny” he means Venezuela, which he also called a “threat.”

The White House also issued a “fact sheet,” called “Defending Democratic Values We Share with Colombia,” which proclaims such triumphs as “Labor conditions in Colombia have significantly improved.” As an example of this significant improvement, it says that fewer than 40 trade unionists were brutally murdered last year. Hurrah!

Continued stresses

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson made a speech today in which he asked Americans to be patient with the economy as it experiences “continued stresses”. Speaking of continued stresses...



The NYT had its own entry in Everything You Need to Know About the Economy etc, with a three-picture series illustrating this article in the dead-tree edition today, but they only used one of the pictures online, so you’ll have to make do with my pictures of those pictures.

I’m too lazy to... I mean... CAPTION CONTEST, YAY!!

Call this a caption contest for some leftover pictures from yesterday, when 1) Barack was in Iraq for a briefing on the Iraq situation by Colonel Combover,


2) John McCain went to Kennebunkport to be anointed by, er, George H.W. Bush (true story: McCain is actually 12 years younger than Bush the Elder rather than, as the picture would suggest, 12 years older),



3) Junior had an unsettlingly creepy picture taken with the March of Dimes national ambassador Catharine Aboulhouda,


4) before settling down for a nice dinner with past and future Olympic athletes of the female persuasion, any one of whom could have snapped him like a twig but, sadly, did not.

An independent Kosovo

Today, Bush met with the president and prime minister of what he called “an independent Kosovo”.

AND I POINTED OUT THAT HIS EYES SEEM TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND THE ROOM. SPOOKY. “I mentioned to both these leaders that they were sitting right below the portrait of George Washington, the founder of a free United States.”


SO I HAD THE SECRET SERVICE PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND MAKE THEM STAND UP BEFORE THE ENTIRE CLASS... “And I appreciate your courage. I appreciate your leadership. And I commit the United States to help you realize your dreams.”

After they made their remarks, pantsless, Bush concluded, “Thank you, guys.” Which is the correct form of address for the president and prime minister of an independent Kosovo.


Caption contest. The AP’s original caption: “Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., touches the face of veteran Steve Dunwoody as he stops to talk with him during a campaign stop at the Maine Military Museum in South Portland, Maine, Monday, July 21, 2008.”

Focus!

Current BBC headlines:

“Obama Urges Focus on Afghanistan”

"Coalition ‘Bombs Afghan Police’”

A much, much safer and secure environment

McCain said (whilst blowing the secrecy of Obama’s visit to Iraq), “I am sure that Senator Obama is going to arrive in Baghdad in a much, much safer and secure environment than the one that he would’ve encountered before we started the surge.” Ya know, Mister Maverick, it would be more impressive if you picked for your comparison point some time period other than the height of a civil war. I mean, for low-bar-setting, that statement is only surpassed by “John McCain is smarter than George Bush.”

Name of the Day, as pointed out by The Now Show: Britain’s new knife czar (they’re having a little tabloid-fueled panic over knife crime lately), Mr. Alfred Hitchcock (no relation).

General time horizon

UR DOING IT WRONG: “Three Chinese reporters attending a police briefing on the success of an anti-gun campaign were accidentally shot”.

Remember: “arbitrary date for withdrawal” bad, “a general time horizon for meeting aspirational goals” good.

Caption contest:



P.S. Is a general time horizon anything like a time tunnel?

We should not fall prey to that argument that somehow we’re killing innocent civilians

Condi Rice, on Sean Hannity’s radio show today: “the line about killing civilians, I believe, is an unfortunate one. We sometimes hear it in Europe. We should not fall prey to that argument that somehow we’re killing innocent civilians. It is the Taliban that is doing that.”

Also today, the US military admitted having killed eight civilians and injured two more in an air strike in Afghanistan Tuesday, saying it “deeply regret[s] any occurrence such as this where civilians are killed and injured as a result of insurgent activity and actions.”

As for that wedding party, they’re still not admitting having bombed it, but are continuing to “investigate.”

Bush went to California today to fly over some wildfire damage, pretend he knows how to read a map,

Ah see some green things an’ some brown things an’...

and meet our illustrious governor.

Yeah, ah can totally take this guy.

Ah’m gonna totally wail on your Terminator butt.

With the inevitable result.


And, for your captioning pleasure:

I know how to win wars

Today McCain claimed that he was the person to win the war in Afghanistan because “I know how to win wars.” Yes, he did so well the last time.

He said he would appoint a “war czar” for Afghanistan, because, if you really want to invoke the thought of victory in Afghanistan, you have to go with a Russian term.

He compared himself to Obama, who once threatened to take military action inside Pakistan. “I won’t bluster and I won’t make idle threats. But understand this, when I am commander in chief, there will be nowhere the terrorists can run and nowhere they can hide,” he blustered and idly threatened.

Number 12 in the series, “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face”

And a special surprise bonus feature, Everything You Need to Know About John McCain’s Campaign You Can Tell By the Expression on His Face.

Bush press conference: Became a nervousness

Bush held a press conference this morning.

BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING BUSH STANDS FOR, IT IS HEARING THE FRUSTRATIONS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: “Democratic leaders have been delaying action on offshore exploration and now they have an opportunity to show that they finally heard the frustrations of the American people.”


On the economy, he adopted the Phil Gramm position that it’s all in our heads (sadly, no one asked Bush if we’re a nation of whiners): “And so the purpose [of the intervention to save Ms. Mae and Mr. Mac] was to send a clear signal that, one, we understand how important these institutions are to the mortgage markets, and two, to kind of calm nerves.”


IF YOU’RE A COMMERCIAL BANK IN AMERICA: “Now, if you’re a commercial bank in America and your deposit -- and you have a deposit in a commercial bank in America, your deposit is insured by the federal government up to $100,000.”

BECAME A NERVOUSNESS: “I happened to witness a bank run in Midland, Texas, one time. I’ll never forget the guy standing in the bank lobby saying, your deposits are good. We got you insured. You don’t have to worry about it if you got less than $100,000 in the bank. The problem was, people didn’t hear. And there’s a -- became a nervousness. My hope is, is that people take a deep breath and realize that their deposits are protected by our government.”

“And there are some things we can do. One is wait for the stimulus package to fully kick in and not raise taxes.” Aren’t those actually some things we can not do?


CHANGING THE PSYCHOLOGY: “They can pass energy legislation. I readily concede that, you know, it’s not going to produce a barrel of oil tomorrow, but it is going to change the psychology that demand will constantly outstrip supply.”

“Government action -- if you’re talking about bailing out -- if your question is, should the government bail out private enterprise, the answer is, no, it shouldn’t. And by the way, the decisions on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- I hear some say ‘bailout’ -- I don’t think it’s a bailout. The shareholders still own the company.” Dude, that’s the definition of a bailout.

ONE OF THE THINGS GEORGE IS DEEPLY TROUBLED ABOUT: “And one of the things I’m deeply troubled about is people who feel like it’s okay to raise taxes during these times.”


WHAT CONSUMERS ARE BEGINNING TO SAY (BESIDES “AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!”): “I’ve been reading a lot about how the automobile companies are beginning to adjust -- people -- consumers are beginning to say, wait a minute, I don’t want a gas guzzler anymore, I want a smaller car.”

WHAT THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE, AND WHAT YOU JUST CAN’T SAY: “I think it was in the Rose Garden where I issued this brilliant statement: If I had a magic wand -- but the President doesn’t have a magic wand. You just can’t say, low gas."


WHAT THE STRATEGIC OIL PETROLEUM RESERVE IS FOR: “The Strategic Oil Petroleum Reserve is for, you know, emergencies.”

EVERY DAY IS A GOOD MORNING:

Q: Thank you, Mr. President. Good morning.

SHRUB: Thank you. It is a good morning.

Q: It is.

CHIMPY: Every day is a good morning when you get to serve the country.

Which is why Bush never has a good morning.


Asked what advice he’d give Obama when he visits Iraq: “I would ask him to listen carefully to Ryan Crocker and General Petraeus.”

Also to the Iraqis. “The Iraqis have invited us to be there.”


HE HAS AN MBA, YOU KNOW: “I was heartened by the fact that the Chinese the other day announced that they’re going to start reducing some of their subsidies, which all of a sudden you may have some, you know, demand-driven changes in the overall balance.”

WHAT GEORGE DOESN’T WANT TO BE: About oil prices: “Again, I don’t want to be a ‘I told you so,’ but if you go back and look at the strategy we put out early on in this administration, we understood what was coming.” But in February, the idea that gas prices might reach $4 was a complete surprise to you, o far-sighted one.


WHAT HIS VIEW ALL ALONG HAS BEEN: On Guantanamo prisoners: “My view all along has been either send them back home, or give them a chance to have a day in court.”

WHAT RECENT EVENTS IN ZIMBABWE SHOULD BE: “And it’s, frankly, unacceptable, and it should be unacceptable to a lot of folks.”

WHAT THE ENEMY IN AFGHANISTAN KILLS AT THE DROP OF: “there is a tough enemy, and they’re brutal, and they kill at the drop of a hat in order to affect behavior.” Whereas we kill at the drop of a hat in order to affect weddings.

WHAT THEY HAVE NO, UM, DISREGARD FOR: “And they have no disregard for human life.”

WHY THESE PEOPLE KILL: “These people kill for a reason. They want us to leave.”

WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT: “And it’s really important we succeed there, as well as in Iraq. We do not want the enemy to have safe haven. Of course -- unless, of course, your attitude is, this isn’t a war. So if that’s the case, it wouldn’t matter whether we succeed or not.”

WHAT GEORGE UNDERSTANDS: “And I understand exhaustion and I understand people getting tired and -- but I would hope that whoever follows me understands that we’re at war”.


WHAT PEOPLE SAY: “People say, aww, man, you’re running out of time, nothing is going to happen.”

With all his talk about oil imports being a national security issue, he vehemently refuses a reporter’s suggestion that he call on Americans to drive less and turn down the thermostat (the reporter doesn’t realize it’s summer): “They’re smart enough to figure out whether they’re going to drive less or not. I mean, you know, it’s interesting what the price of gasoline has done, is it caused people to drive less. ... But the consumer is plenty bright, Mark. The marketplace works. ... it’s a little presumptuous on my part to dictate to consumers how they live their lives. ... And I suspect you’ll see, in the whole, Americans using less gasoline. I bet that’s going to happen. ... And the great thing about our system, it is the consumer that drives our system; it’s the individual American and their collection that end up driving the economy.” At least, until the gas runs out.


HE’S NOT AN ECONOMIST, HE’S AN OPTIMIST: “I’m not an economist, but I do believe that we’re growing. And I can remember this press conference here where people yelling ‘recession this, recession that’ -- as if you’re economists. And I’m an optimist.”

The worship services are a necessary part of developing a society for which they can be proud

This morning, Bush held a celebration to mark the 10th anniversary of the International Religious Freedom Act.

Religious freedom, he said, is darned important to us. “After all, when the Founding Fathers adopted the Bill of Rights, the very first liberty they enshrined was the freedom of religion.” I don’t think they were actually listing them in order of importance. Otherwise, the right not to have soldiers quartered in your house would be a more vital freedom than trial by jury.

“They recognized that the most basic freedom a man can have is the right to worship his own God as he sees fit.” Likewise, they said that the most basic freedom a woman could have was the right to worship Thomas Jefferson’s penis.

HE’S THE RELIG-MINDER: “Whenever and wherever I meet leaders, I’m going to constantly remind them that they ought to welcome religion in their society, not fear it.”

HE’S THE RELIGIO-MINDERER: “I’ll remind them someone pledged to love a neighbor like they’d like to be loved themselves is someone who will add to their society in constructive and peaceful ways.”

HE’S THE... REMIND ME WHAT HE IS AGAIN? “And when I speak to world leaders, I remind them -- leaders in those countries, that the worship services are a necessary part of developing a society for which they can be proud.”

LET US PRAY: “I ask for the good Lord to continue to bless our country.”

Speaking of praying to the deity of one’s choice, Bush later spoke in the Rose Garden about drilling for oil.

ALSO, “OO, FIREWORKS, PRETTY.”: “ When members of Congress were home over the Fourth of July recess, they heard a clear message from their constituents: We need to take action now to expand domestic oil production.”

OR TO BUY A LOTTERY TICKET OR PORN OR CHEETOS OR... “Every extra dollar they have to spend because of high gas prices is one dollar less they can use to put food on the table or send a child to school.”

He’s lifting the old executive order on offshore drilling, and demands that Congress follow suit: “This means that the only thing standing between the American people and these vast oil resources is action from the U.S. Congress.” That’s really quite a visual, isn’t it?

Unfortunate Name of the Day

A spokesperson for a pro-choice group in Colorado, Crystal Clinkenbeard.

Speaking of choice, as in spoiled for choice, here are some more London Review of Books personal ads. As ever, more can be found here.

Let this advert serve you as the Rosetta Stone of personal ads. Man, 38. Box no. 14/07

World’s worst univocalic personal ad writer. Male. 43. Box no. 12/03

I am more like Grand Duke Nicholas Mikhailovich of Russia than anyone else who has ever advertised here. Man, 54. Box no. 12/06

You can have the key to my heart! I’ll swap it for the combination to your gym locker. Yoga nazi (F, 43) plans on whipping you (dumpy, bland, moccasin-wearing M to 50) into shape with 18-week programme of sit-ups, circuits and emotionally-draining discussions about how pretty you really think I am. Box no. 13/06

An ancient Czech legend says that any usurper who places the Crown of Saint Wenceslas on his head is doomed to die within a year. During World War II, Reinhard Heydrich, the Nazi governor of the puppet Protectorate of Bohemia and Moravia secretly wore the crown believing himself to be a great king. He was assassinated less than a year later by the Czech resistance. I have many more stories like this one. I will tell you them all and we will make love. Man, 47. Box no. 14/04

Safe word

News from the Max Mosley breach-of-privacy lawsuit (dude, sex with one prostitute is private, five not so much): the News of the World is having trouble proving that the, as the British tabs like to put it, sex romp, was Nazi-themed, because the “dominatrix was too upset to give evidence”.

Today Bush met with his “economic team.”

WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, AND WHO IT HAS AFFECTED: “The problem, of course, is that gasoline prices are up, which has affected the people here in our country.”

Which brings us to another exciting episode of Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.


John McCain, however, campaigning in Altoona, thinks American workers have nothing to be, you know, whiny about.

Would “Charles Samurai” be more credible?

In my spam folder I find an email offering pills at 80% off, from someone calling himself Charley Samurai. Who wouldn’t wish to purchase their medicine from someone named Charley Samurai?

Do you have an image in your head of what a “Charley Samurai” would look like? Is it almost entirely unlike... this?

A lot of meetings on important subjects

At the G8, Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao.

HE’S THE REMINDERER: “I told the President I was looking forward to coming to the Olympics. I reminded him that not only am I coming, but my wife, my mother and dad will be there, and we’re looking forward to your hospitality.”


WHAT HE AND HU HAVE CONSTANTLY HAD: “And of course, in this context, I -- the President and I have constantly had discussions about human rights and political freedom.”

ESPECIALLY THE FREEDOM TO WATCH HIM SOME HOOPS: “And I’m hoping to get tickets for the U.S.-Chinese basketball game. If you could help me get a ticket, I’d appreciate it.”

Finally, he summed up the summit.

WHAT GEORGE WOULD CALL THE MEETINGS: “We’ve just finished our meetings here in Japan. I would call them very productive.”

“See, George? I told you you weren’t allowed back here.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, we had a comprehensive agenda on helping those who are being affected by disease live healthy lives.” Except for the, you know, disease.

WHAT THE NATIONS SITTING AROUND THE TABLE HAVE GOT. FOR ONE THINGS, THEY’VE GOT A TABLE: “The nations sitting around the table have got much, and I think we’re required to help those who don’t. Pledges are important. Those have been -- you know, oftentimes in the political process people talk big, but they never follow up.” The phrase “compassionate conservative” somehow springs to mind.

HE’S THE REMINDEDER: “And so one of the key ingredients of these recent meetings was all of us need to be reminded that when we say we’re going to do something, we got to do it.”



DID THEY AGREE IN THOSE EXACT WORDS? “We also agreed that on high energy prices that we got to deal with both on the supply and demand.”

OFFSHORE AMERICA: “The Democratic leaders in Congress will not allow us to explore for oil and gas in parts of Alaska, offshore America, and now is the time for them to change their mind.”

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE: “We also -- I’m firmly -- believe that we can do this kind of exploration in environmentally friendly ways.”

IN OTHER WORDS: “In other words, this was a -- you know, a lot of meetings on important subjects, and we accomplished a lot.”

Wherein is revealed what George Bush respects a lot

The White House claims that retroactive immunity (which they call “retroactive liability protection”) for the telecoms “does not immunize any criminal conduct.”

AP: “Mariann Fischer Boel, Agriculture Commissioner at the EU, asked German farmers to stop sending her milk in protest at higher quotas that may lower prices. She has received more than 2,000 gallons. Much of it had gone off.”

Speaking of having gone off, George Bush, at the G8, met Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh for “a typical conversation among friends.”


WHO DOES GEORGE RESPECT A LOT? “and we did it in a spirit of respect -- and it was easy for me to do because I respect the Prime Minister a lot.” Really, George? Can you tell us what his first name is?

AND WHAT ELSE DOES GEORGE RESPECT A LOT? “I also respect India a lot”.

HE IS THE REMINDERER: “We talked about educational exchanges. I reminded the Prime Minister that the Indian American population is very proud of this relationship, and proud of their heritage, and proud of the leadership of the Prime Minister.”


FELINE UPDATE: The cat’s been here ten days now. Yesterday I had her vaccinated and de-wormed (as I do with all my roommates), but she still has no name. Your suggestions have been taken aboard, but none really leaped out at me (unlike the cat). One of the problems in this endeavor is that many names appropriate for a kitten are no good for a full-grown cat, and vice-versa. For example, some of you made Marx Brothers-related suggestions, as per the theme of this blog, but missed a rather good cat name, “Mrs. Rittenhouse,” the most Margaret Dumont-y of the names given to Margaret Dumont’s roles. It is, however, a name that can only be grown into. She may be a Mrs. Rittenhouse five years from now, but for the present she’s chewing newspapers, batting around bottle caps, and tearing up and down the stairs like Harpo (and no, I am not naming her Harpo) (not unless I can train her to come when she hears an old-fashioned bicycle horn).

I’m thinking about Christabel. Does she look like a Christabel?