Bush in Germanyland, part zwei: Can you tell the difference?

One is a roasted wild pig...


One is a screaming infant...

Bush in Germanyland: The president vibrated the hands of humans and spoke with them

Bush is in Germany, which gives me the opportunity to use Google’s fine translation program on a Der Spiegel article.
The result is an odd approximation of what the inside of George Bush’s head must look like: “Afterwards it over-accumulated it up with praise.” “The president vibrated the hands of humans and spoke with them.” “...approximately 1000 citizens, who were invited to the greetings of Bush by Merkel on the old person market.”

Bush said he wanted to see what East Germany was like, so they banned cars in Stralsund, locked people in their homes, and imported 15,000 cops. Actually, the guys who used to guard the Berlin Wall were nothing like as scary looking as this:


The Wall guys were very polite and didn’t laugh at me when I asked them to point out the Reichstag (crappy map in the AAA guide book).

Bush held a press conference with Angela Merkel. He wants Putin “to join us in saying to the Iranians loud and clear: ‘We’re not kidding. It’s a serious issue.’” You know, I think that should be the exact text of the UN Security Council resolution.

He explains the situation in Gaza: “And we were headed toward the road map, things looked positive, and the terrorists stepped up and kidnapped a soldier, fired rockets into Israel.” Things looked... positive? And of course, “Israel has a right to defend herself.”

Says Putin’s crack about Cheney’s shooting a guy in the face “was pretty clever — actually quite humorous.” And, “My own view of dealing with President Putin, though, is that nobody really likes to be lectured a lot”. Which explains your grades at Yale.

But what really interested him was the pig they were roasting in his honor (I think they were planning to eat it too).

Q Does it concern you that the Beirut airport has been bombed? And do you see a risk of triggering a wider war? And on Iran, they’ve, so far, refused to respond. Is it now past the deadline, or do they still have more time to respond?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I thought you were going to ask me about the pig.

If I declare a caption contest, you must all promise not to apply that line inappropriately.



Here, George samples the invisible herring for which the town of Stralsund is justly famous.

Restrained, but very, very, very painful

Israel has been broadcasting this message into Gaza: “Israel is interested in your well-being. Is this the welfare that Hamas promised you?” They really do seem to be operating under the delusion that Palestinians will be turned against their elected government by Israeli bombing.

American ambassador to the UN John “Creepy Mustache” Bolton on a proposed resolution against the Israeli attack on Gaza: “We don’t see anything productive coming from it.”

Admittedly, it does seem just soooo last invasion. Israeli PM Olmert says that the Hezbollah capture of 2 Israeli soldiers was “an act of war” by the Lebanese government and that the Israeli response, which follows the Gaza model – bombing, destroying bridges, refusal to negotiate (which in general I would agree is the correct policy, although in both cases most of the prisoners that Hamas/Hezbollah want released are people Israel has no particular right to hold) – “will be restrained, but very, very, very painful.” Just ask Mrs. Olmert... no, I won’t go there.

Speaking of war crimes, Digby has an excerpt from Rick Perlstein’s forthcoming book Nixonland on Lt. Calley, well worth reading.

Robert Novak says his exchange with Karl Rove over Valerie Plame lasted just 20 seconds. Just ask Mrs. Novak... no, I won’t go there.

Putin is pissed at foreigners daring to criticize him for his anti-democratic attitude, telling NBC that he considers such criticism “completely unacceptable.” Uh, yeah, that pretty much sums up the problem right there. He also compared Cheney’s criticism on this subject to “an unsuccessful hunting shot.” Dude, leave the Dick-Cheney-shot-a-guy-in-the-face jokes to the professionals.

Custody battle for the loincloth Johnny Weissmuller wore as Tarzan (just the one, for twelve movies?).

Israel just fired rockets at Beirut International Airport. I’m sure that will resolve the situation. How could it not?

The Constant criminal

Emmanuel “Toto” Constant, head of the Fraph death squad in Haiti in the early 1990s, responsible for many, many murders and rapes, has finally been arrested in New York City, which he fled to in 1994. In 1996 the Haitian government demanded his extradition and the US refused, a decision possibly related to the fact that Constant was threatening to reveal all the details of his close working relationship with the CIA. The Clinton Admin explained its decision was out of concern that a trial would overstretch the Haitian legal and penal system, And turned him loose. So he stayed in the US for ten years until he finally committed a crime the US cares about: defrauding banks in a mortgage scheme.

This sort of thing happens all the time. The Salvadoran Air Force captain whose driver got Archbishop Oscar Romero’s assassin to the church on time lived for many years in Modesto, California selling used cars until he went on the run two years ago for fear of being prosecuted for rolling back odometers. Oh, and the South Vietnamese police chief who shot the prisoner in 1968 – you know the picture – owned a pizza parlor in Virginia and died of natural causes.

Fiscal hogs, an interesting thing about terrorists, what’s un-Islamic now, and George’s new shoes

In a press conference with foreign newspapers, Bush made perhaps his least appropriate use of his favorite adjective: “It’s an interesting thing about terrorists, by the way, they’ll kill children like that. They don’t care.”

He also talked about his good friend Pooty-Poot, whose thugs are currently disrupting a pro-democracy conference and ordering dissidents to leave Moscow during the G-8 summit. “We’ve [Laura and he] got a good friendship with the Putins. We’re comfortable around them.” Must not have seen that video of Vlad kissing that kid’s stomach. Or maybe he has seen it and is looking forward to having his own stomach kissed.

Oh, I am not gonna be able to get that image out of my head.

About the Mahmudiya rape/mass murder, Editor & Publisher asks something I asked 6 days ago, why the media keep referring to the rape victim (D.O.B. 8/19/91), Abeer al-Janabi, as a “woman.”

Riverbend thinks there have been many more rapes, that the only reason this one came out was that her whole family, which would normally have felt dishonor and kept quiet, was killed along with her.

She also says that Maliki’s family is abroad. I haven’t seen this elsewhere. Can anyone confirm?

Bush called again for a line-item veto (the unconstitutional version passed by the House) in order to allow him to “target unnecessary spending” and stop legislators “stuffing stuff into these bills that never gets a hearing or the light of day”. Thing is, he’s implying that he would use the power to shame greedy congresscritters, but I don’t think he’s ever named a single spending item he would have vetoed if he had the power, never brought any of this “stuff” into the light of day.

Later, at a fundraiser for Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Mark Green, he said, “You’ve got to make sure you’ve got a good fiscal hog in your governor’s seat. You’ve got to have somebody who’s willing to take on the sacred cow.” Fiscal hog?

The Somali Islamists have captured the last of the American-backed warlords, and Coca-Cola has been declared un-Islamic.

Bush was happy today. Look how excited he is about going for a ride in his helicopter.


And look how excited he is to be given these, um, colorful shoes. The entire cast of Sex and the City put together was never so excited by and proud of a pair of shoes.



In fact he is so excited that he has forgotten how to walk.

Cuba and the second party

The text of the “Compact with the People of Cuba” is here. It lists the many things the US will do to support a “Cuban transition government,” whatever that might be, including providing emergency food, water, fuel and medical equipment (none of which except perhaps fuel are in short supply in Cuba), helping “rebuild your shattered economy,” and my favorite, “Discourage third parties from intervening to obstruct the will of the Cuban people.” Presumably the third party they have in mind is Venezuela, but.... third party? The unthinking use of that phrase neatly demonstrates the assumption that intervention by the US (the second party) in the affairs of the Cuban people (the first party) is completely natural and legitimate.

(Later): at the roll-out of the report yesterday, Caleb McCarry, the “Cuba Transition Coordinator,” undeftly dodged a question about whether the US would send troops:

MR. MCCARRY: Well, the report, in terms of perspective recommendations, does include a recommendation regarding providing support during a transition, as authorized by U.S. law, to assist the Cuban security forces in making the transition to working under a democratic government. That --

QUESTION: Does that involve the deployment of U.S. forces?

MR. MCCARRY: That’s -- I just gave you the -- recited the part of the report that does refer to, prospectively, in the future with a transition government, the kinds of assistance that might be provided.

In the Report to the President, Venezuela is indeed a big concern. It goes on and on about Venezuela and the Cuba-Venezuela “axis.”

The Report is about what you’d expect, how we’re going to destroy Cuba’s economy until Castro dies, and then how we’re going to rebuild it and bring in a prosperous, democratic future. Or to put it another way, they think they’ve learnt something from the example of how not to do such things, Iraq (which they never mention), but they really haven’t. What they have concluded is that “freedom” is not enough: “Offering to help Cubans meet their basic and unmet social desires and humanitarian needs will be a powerful force for change and the best guarantor that the transition to freedom will succeed”. In other words the “powerful force for change” will be tens of billions of dollars of American money.

Which will be channeled through this “Cuban transition government.” And quickly too: the report calls for the US to be ready “to provide technical assistance in the first two weeks after a determination that a Cuban transition is underway”. The CTG is the black box of the report, a CIA-coup-sized hole in its middle. The report talks endlessly about all the things the CTG should do and all the things we’ll do to help it but says nothing about how it would be formed, how it would push aside the Communists (though we are planning to “undermine the regime’s succession strategy”), from whence its legitimacy would be derived (we’re giving it 18 months to organize elections). McCarry at that press conference kept deflecting questions about this. I’m guessing that’s all covered in the classified parts of the report, because without this mysterious entity, there is literally no plan. The CTG will evidently just magically appear, possibly defrosted from cryogenic freezers in Langley and be embraced by the Cuban people and possibly welcomed with flowers and dancing in the streets.

Contest: Name Holy Joe’s party

Every other blogger is making fun of Joe Lieberman for the name of his new party. Well, this blog is better than that (go along with me on this one), and just wants to help out. I just know the readers of this blog can come up with a better name than “Connecticut for Lieberman,” one with more pizzazz, more Joementum, if you will. Slogans are also welcome.

Not an imposition

Still haven’t seen the “Compact with the Cuban People” report. I guess it’s easier to hide when it’s compact.

Sorry.

We are, however, assured that “This plan is not an imposition [Your in-laws dropping over uninvited is an imposition, a telemarketer calling during dinner is an imposition; this is imperialism or, if you prefer, regime change] but rather is a promise we will keep with the Cuban people [note the odd preposition in “promise with,” no doubt changed from “promise to” when they realized it showed a little too clearly the unilateral nature of the “Compact”] to marshal our resources and expertise [“expertise” developed during 47 years trying to overthrow Castro], and encourage our democratic allies [don’t forget Poland!] to be ready to support Cuba when the inevitable opportunity [he’s gotta die sometime] for genuine change [accept no substitutes] arises. The work of the Commission will ensure that the U.S. Government is fully prepared, if asked [what’s the Spanish for Chalabi?], to assist a genuine Cuban transition government [accept no substitutes] committed to democracy [you know, eventually, when the people are “ready” for it] and which will lead to Cuba’s reintegration into the inter-American system [taking orders from Washington again, like God intended].”

Compact: A small case containing a mirror, pressed powder, and a powder puff

You will be delighted to hear that the United States has a “Compact with the Cuban People.” I’m sure the Cuban People will also be delighted to hear it. For the moment, though, we’ll all have to be satisfied with a summary, the actual report of the State Department’s Commission for Assistance to a Free Cuba is not yet online (indeed, that link is currently dead) (and some of the report is classified, which some people might consider ironic).

We are told the Compact will “reassure Cubans that the U.S. stands with them in their desire for freedom.” I’m sure they will be very reassured indeed to hear it, and even more to hear that “The message to Cubans is that they will be secure in their homes,” because nothing is more reassuring than a message from a foreign country telling you that you will be secure in your home. We will “undermine regime finances and survival strategies.” And we will give all sorts of aid to a “Cuban Transition Government,” although it is unclear from whence this august body will spring. And there will be “market-based economic opportunities,” although again, opportunities for whom is left a little bit vague.

Let’s remember who started this

Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Nicholas Burns, asked by Wolf Blitzer (who doesn’t know the meaning of the term “follow-up question”) what the US is doing about the siege of Gaza, responded that Condi “has been involved, every day of this crisis, to try to call on the Hamas authorities to release the Israeli soldier”, which is funny because the Hamas authorities are not the ones holding the soldier. Then he used possibly the least helpful words there are in international relations: “Let’s remember who started this.” And we know who that always is. “It was the outrageous actions of Hamas, in violating Israel’s sovereignty, in taking the soldier hostage, in killing the Israeli settler, that unleashed this.” First, I don’t think the Palestinians will be much impressed by the sacred status suddenly assigned to “sovereignty.” Second, that verb “unleashed,” as if Israeli actions are never a deliberate choice, but rather the air strikes, etc were “unleashed,” like a rambunctious puppy.

Take Condi out to the ball game...

Caption contest. The Bushes went to church today. They now seem to go every Sunday they’re in Washington, which I’m pretty sure didn’t use to be the case. George is waving, obviously, but what on earth is the LauraBot indicating?


“That ‘God’ fella you was talkin’ ‘bout in there, he’s not a Democrat is he?”
And at a baseball game yesterday (they left during the 7th inning), what is George (with the LauraBot looking on) pointing out to Condi?

Iraq P.D. Blues

This may come as a surprise to no one, but the LAT reports that the Iraqi police is corrupt, brutal, corrupt, infiltrated by the militias, corrupt, infiltrated by insurgents, and corrupt. It says the unit that ran the secret prison where 173 prisoners were found last November, starving, beaten and tortured, still operates. No people under the authority of the sort of police described in this article can be described as free.

(Update: the fake police pretty much suck too.)

Follow-up: we still haven’t been told the name of the little girl who died in the bombing that killed Zarqawi, nearly one month ago.

Gene Weingarten writes on the glory that is concrete.

Why I’m going to wear a lab coat at all times from now on

When Bush visited Cabot Microelectronics yesterday, the staff insisted on keeping their lab coats on, to protect them from being infected by his – in their words – “stupid juice.”

Wherein is answered the question, what makes God want to vomit?

Rev. O’Neal Dozier, an ally of Jeb Bush (and of Attorney General Charlie Crist, a candidate to succeed Bush), who I can’t remember hearing of before today but already loathe, has stirred up some controversy by calling Islam a cult religion. Evidently no one’s been much bothered up until now by this guy, appointed (twice) by Jeb to the Broward County Judicial Nominating Commission, asking potential judges if they are god-fearing, how active they are in their church, and what sort of parents they are (a little googling clarifies that he asked that of a single mother). He is on a committee attempting to block the opening of an Islamic center (they’re all terrorists, you know). He’s been to the White House several times. He supports Crist because Jesus came to him in a dream and said Crist would win. Did I mention that this guy screens judicial nominees in Broward County? He has said, “We cannot have a judge who feels sodomy is OK” and that homosexuality is “something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit.”

There’s probably a gross theological discussion to be had about whether God could in fact create something so nasty that He couldn’t help but vomit.

It’s a decision-making experience

Bush went to raise funds for Judy Baar Topinka’s campaign for governor of Illinois, where he spoke incoherently about education: “We’ve got too much stateism, in public education, too much excuse-making, too much process.” Too much process? “And the reason we want people to measure is because we want to know.” And there’s something in the transcript which is not Chimpy’s fault but which I still adore: “You know what’s happening here in the city of Chicago? You’re reading scores are up.”

“It’s a decision-making experience. Governor, you’ll find it to be decision-making experience,” he advised Ms. Topinka, who is not the governor. “I love ethanol,” he confided. “I can’t think of a more noble profession than being an OB/GYN,” he said, mysteriously. “I wish WIIIAI would stop taking my comments out of context,” he protested.

Continuing the education theme, Bush next went on a tour of the Cabot Microelectronics Corporation and he was amazed, simple unabashedly amazed, to find that the people who worked there had studied science:

And what’s amazing as you walk through the labs and meet the people working here, you say, what’s your degree in? Let me just say, there wasn’t a lot of history majors -- physicists, chemists, PhDs., people with advanced degrees. It is clear that in order for this country of ours to be competitive in the future, we’ve got to understand the nature of the jobs of the future, and these jobs are going to require people who have got math and science skills.

So future good, past bad, history majors will be heard to mutter, “Worst president since James Buchanan (1857-1861),” as they mop the floors at Cabot Microelectronics.

The Igor-gone-to-seed is Denny Hastert

They just don’t make a lab coat big enough, do they?

Bush press conference: words mean different things to different people

Bush had a press conference today, and the gimmick is that it wasn’t in Washington but in Chicago. Which explains the windiness.

On immigration: “And when you make something illegal that people want, it’s amazing what happens -- got a whole industry of smugglers and innkeepers and document forgers that sprung up.” Innkeepers?

On democracy: “You win elections by believing something.” That your brother and Katherine Harris will make sure the votes against you aren’t counted? That you have a lock on the US Supreme Court?


On diplomacy: “It’s kind of painful in a way for some to watch because it takes a while to get people on the same page. Everybody -- not everybody thinks the exact same way we think. There are different -- words mean different things to different people, and the diplomatic process can be slow and cumbersome. This is why this is probably the fourth day in a row I’ve been asked about North Korea -- it’s slow and cumbersome.” Also, of course, other countries aren’t as selfless and altruistic as we are, and clearly when they disagree with American foreign policy it must be because they’re greedy self-interested bastards: “Some nations are more comfortable with sanctions than other nations, and part of the issue we face in some of these countries is that they’ve got economic interests. And part of our objective is to make sure that national security interests, security of the world interests trump economic interests. And sometimes that takes a while to get people focused in the right direction.”


On defining success in a war: “This is a compassionate nation that cares about people, and when they see people die on their TV screens, it sends a signal, well, maybe we’re not winning.”

On defining democracy in Asia: “the region is relatively peaceful except for one outpost; one system that’s not open and transparent; one system that doesn’t respond to the will of the people; one system that’s dark, and that’s North Korea.” It’s official: China is open, transparent and responds to the will of the people. Who knew?

I’d rather be judged as solving problems and being correct, rather than being popular

Bush and the LauraBot were interviewed on his birthday by Larry King, and gosh would you believe that not much of substance got said in an entire hour. Larry must have been hard pressed to restrain himself from singing Happy Birthday, and probably then only because CNN would have had to pay the song’s copyright holders.

But there was time for:

George’s in-depth psychoanalysis of the goals of Kim Jong Il (or as Bush called him, “the person in North Korea”): “You know, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think he wants us to either fear him or pay attention to him.”

George’s profound understanding of the ramifications of history: “And the reason why I was now able to work with Koizumi to keep the peace and to go to Graceland to honor Elvis, was because Japan adopted a different style of government.”

George’s deep sense of his place in history: “When history looks back, I’d rather be judged as solving problems and being correct, rather than being popular.” Yeah, good luck with that.

George’s erudite and compassionate... oh fuck it, roll the tape: “I mean, when you find -- if in fact the charges are true that somebody was raped and murdered, then there ought be concern by the Iraqis. What they’ve got to be comforted in knowing is that we will deal with this in a way that is going to be transparent, above board and open.”

The Lieberman-Lamont debate

First thought: anyone who uses the “There you go again” line, as Lieberman did a couple of times, should automatically be declared to have lost the debate.

I’m beginning to despise the whole election debate format: “I’m not Bush,”; “I’m one of the senators able to reach across the partisan divide,” but you voted with Republicans on whatever exciting issues the Greenwich board of selectmen voted on; how many times can I, Ned Lamont, say my own name, which is Ned Lamont, in an hour?; you are a one-issue candidate, you have six different positions on that issue (Lieberman didn’t quite use the phrase “flip-flopper,” but you just knew he wanted to), etc. Lamont had a few of those pre-programmed things too, unless you believe that “Sir, this is not Fox News” line was conjured up on the spur of the moment.


At one point, about 35 minutes in (I didn’t write it down and can’t find a transcript), Joementum went over the small-d democratic line, calling into question the legitimacy of anyone running against him in the primary. And in his prepared opening, Holy Joe again said, “Ned Lamont seems just to be running against me based on my stand on one issue, Iraq... applying a litmus test to me,” glibly suggesting that the war isn’t so important an issue that people who disagree with him on it should vote against him because of it. That dismissive treatment of a big, bloody, lengthy, expensive, you know... war, is what disqualifies him from further public service, almost regardless of his actual position on that oh so minor subject.

And there’s all kinds of discussions out of administrations and people saying this, saying that, and the other

AP headline: “Bush: Hard to Read North Korea’s Motives.” Or words of more than two syllables. You were all way ahead of me on that one, weren’t you? (Update: Wonkette was also ahead of me.) (It’s being guest-blogged this week by Princess Sparkle Pony, so it’s actually entertaining for a change).

(And Needlenose is also ahead of me, with a caption contest I was going to have. I must start getting up earlier.)

That comment and that image were in a press “availability” with Stephen Harper of Canada, who gave him a belt buckle and silver cuff links a Mountie hat for his birthday. Since my first contest idea was scuttled, perhaps you’d care to guess what Harper was trying to tell Bush with those gifts? Bush says Harper “tells me what’s on his mind and he does so in a real clear fashion.” As opposed to King Jong Il:

It’s hard for me to tell you what’s on his mind. He lives in a very closed society. It’s unlike our societies where we have press conferences and people are entitled to ask questions, and there’s all kinds of discussions out of administrations and people saying this, saying that, and the other.

Especially, in his case, the other. Although he does have a point – we do know exactly what’s on Chimpy’s mind: gibberish.

Bush said over and over that everyone needs to speak (gibberish) to North Korea with one voice. But there can’t be bilateral talks, it has to be 6-party talks. But 5 of the parties are supposed to speak with one voice. Whatever.

Bush also had a meeting with Ambassador Khalilzad. Bush questioned the motives of the insurgents: “And you have to ask yourself, who’s afraid of democracy?” Well....


The real problem in Iraq: “Zal is concerned about foreign influences in the country, as am I.” It’s those damned furriners!

Accountability

Various members of the Italian intelligence services have been arrested, and warrants issued for 26 American CIA agents and suchlike, for the kidnapping of a Muslim cleric, who was flown from Italy to Egypt for torture. This is the Italian legal system we’re talking about, so I wouldn’t expect too much, but it should be fun while it lasts.

Another lovely quote from Gen. William Caldwell IV about Mahmudiya: “We will hold ourselves accountable for our actions.” But if there’d been a rape and multiple murder and cover-up by Saddam Hussein’s military, he actually did have the gall to go on and say, “there was absolutely no accountability”.

Military Moron
I will now end, like all blog posts should, with a picture of a bear in a convertible.