Wherein is revealed the best vice president in history

Today it was Bush’s turn to address the Conservative Political Action Conference.

He called Cheney “the best Vice President in history. Mother may have a different opinion.” This is not only George acting out his daddy issues in public, but doing so in a forum of people who have nothing but contempt for his father.


Also: Vice Presidents John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt...?

NAMES, WHY DOES HE NEVER GIVE US NAMES? “We believe our nation has the right to defend itself -- even if sometimes others disagree.”

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING PERMISSION SLIPS: “They tend to be suspicious of America’s exercise of global leadership -- unless, of course, we get a permission slip from international organizations.”

AND THEY WERE PROBABLY JUST WAITING TO BE ASKED, TOO: “And we darn sure didn’t seek the approval of groups like Code Pink and MoveOn.org before deciding what to do.”

“When I took office, our society was grappling with a troubling rate of drug use among our children. ... We believe people should be held responsible for their actions and we know that people can change their behavior. ... We helped move drug addicts from a culture of victimization to a culture of responsibility.” This from the serial drunk driver who somehow never got sent to jail, the guy who stopped showing up for his Air National Guard service the minute they introduced drug-testing.


WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE? “Six-and-a-half years ago, our country faced the worst attack in our history. I understood immediately that we would have to act boldly to protect the American people.”

NOTE TO WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIBER: A [SIC] AFTER THE WORD PROGRESS WOULD ALSO BE GOOD. “Yet even the enemy recognizes the progress we’re being [sic] making.”

Something is going to happen to help them get their feet back on the ground

Bush on the federal response to the tornados in Tennessee: “I don’t want people to think something is going to happen that’s not going to happen. And therefore when we say something is going to happen to help them get their feet back on the ground, it will happen.” Dude, watch your metaphors. He also called the people of Macon County “down to earth, hard-working, God-fearing people”. Evidently with plenty of reason to fear God just lately.

I love you, what can I do to help you?

Thursday afternoon, Bush had a “Helping America’s Youth” event at the White House. He told America’s youth, “there’s all kinds of ways to serve America. One way is to wear the uniform. Another way is to find somebody wonders whether or not there’s a positive future in their lives, and put your arm around them and say, I love you; what can I do to help you?” First, should he really be encouraging America’s youth to go up to random depressed people, put their arm around them and say, “I love you, what can I do to help you?” I mean, it would be pretty creepy the other way around, wouldn’t it?

I love you, what can I do to help you?

Second: and the other option he offers is to join the military, find somebody wonders whether or not there’s a positive future in their lives – and shoot them. Is there nothing, you know, in the middle?

Then he discovered a shiny object, and that kept him occupied for the rest of the afternoon.

McCain was against government feeling empowered to take from us our freedom before he was for it

Congresscritter Darlene Hooley (D-Oregon) is retiring after 12 years. Honest to God, I can’t remember ever having heard of her before this very minute. Nevertheless, “Darlene Hooley” is our Name of the Day. Congratulations.

McCain also made a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference today. Half of it assured them over and over that he was a true, Reagan-corpse-dry-humping conservative, the other half was about how he has so much principled integrity that he would never pander to anyone.


He said that either Obama or Clinton would take us back to the days of Big Government “when government felt empowered to take from us our freedom to decide for ourselves the course and quality of our lives”. In the very next sentence he castigated Democratic senators for blocking the extension of government surveillance.

Mittens surrenders to McCain, not terror

Twitt Romney, as you will have heard, has dropped out. He announced this in a speech, not to his campaign workers, but to the Conservative Political Action Conference.


He is worried that the worst, the very worst, will happen: “I am convinced that unless America changes course, we will become the France of the 21st century. ... And to me, that is impensable unthinkable.”

He derided the “culture of poverty,” which he blamed on “1960s welfare programs.” The Liberals, he says, are still trying to undermine “individual responsibility”: “They fight to strip work requirements from welfare, to put more people on Medicaid, and to remove more and more people from having to pay any income tax whatsoever.” How will the poor ever learn individual responsibility if they don’t pay income tax?


“And tolerance for pornography – even celebration of it – and sexual promiscuity, combined with the twisted incentives of government welfare programs have led to today’s grim realities: 68% of African American children are born out-of-wedlock, 45% of Hispanic children, and 25% of White children.” What I believe he’s saying is that African-American men love their porn. Or something. Certainly his insistence on disaggregating those numbers by race shows that his problem isn’t with “culture” but with the duskier races. Who are destroying America: “A nation built on the principles of the founding fathers cannot long stand when its children are raised without fathers in the home.” Founding fathers, African-American children born out of wedlock... nah, too easy.

The big threat, though, is “violent, radical Jihad.” “These Jihadists will battle any form of democracy – to them, democracy is blasphemous for it says that citizens, not God shape the law.” Or wait, maybe it’s Mike Huckabee who thinks that democracy is blasphemous for saying that citizens, not God shape the law. I always get those two confused.


And just as his sons were serving their country by working for his campaign, Mittens is now giving up his campaign, not because he had his Mormon ass handed to him, but in order to serve his country: “in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.”

Awesome, dude

This morning, Bush attended the National Prayer Breakfast. This, I guess, is what Bush looks like when he prays.


Also in attendance: Larry Craig. Also Holy Joe Lieberman, and John McCain, who had time for this but not to vote on the economic stimulus package. What is McCain praying for?


I CAN THINK OF ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL WORD: “Ward, thanks for your remarks. Those were awesome. I guess that’s a presidential word.”

“The people in this room come from many different walks of faith. Yet we share one clear conviction: We believe that the Almighty hears our prayers -- and answers those who seek Him. That’s what we believe; otherwise, why come?” For the pancakes. The pancakes are awesome.

Later in the morning, Bush held an event to complain that the Senate wasn’t confirming his nominees fast enough.

IN OTHER WORD. NOT IN OTHER WORDS, MIND YOU. IN OTHER WORD. “In other word, this isn’t the first time he’s gone through a confirmation process.”

“Yet the Senate has not acted on their nominations. This delay is irresponsible. It undermines the cause of justice.” And that violates the separation of powers. See, it’s the job of the executive branch to undermine the cause of justice.

It makes a lot of sense to make sure that we can grow our own food

Name of the day: State Department spokesman Karl Duckworth.

The US is down to its last World War I veteran, one Frank Buckles, 107. Germany’s last survivor died last month.

Mike Huckabee penned a typically subtle editorial for the Jerusalem Post. He writes that on one of his trips to Israel to convert the heathen or pray for the End of Days or whatever it is that keeps him going back so many times (possibly it’s the falafel) (they don’t really have falafel in Arkansas), he took his 11-year-old daughter to Yad Vashem, where they “faced the grimly surreal pictures from Dachau and Auschwitz” (Huckabee doesn’t know what the word “surreal” actually means). Little Sarah wrote in the guest book, “Why didn’t somebody do something?” “[W]ith those words,” The Huck says, “I knew that, in her own way, she ‘got it.’ Unfortunately, some in America, even some running for president, don’t get it. Those who don’t understand that the war in Iraq is a critical part of the war on terror, don’t get it.” And they secretly love the Nazis. Especially Obama.

Yesterday, Bush showed his continuing relevancy by meeting a NASCAR prize winner. Today, he met a hockey team, the Anaheim Ducks, who won the Stanley Cup. “These Ducks are awfully mighty,” he said.


He also attended the swearing-in of the new Agriculture Secretary, Ed WhoCaresWhatHisNameIsHe’llBeGonePrettySoon. Ed, Bush says, “understands what I know -- it makes a lot of sense to make sure that we can grow our own food. It’s in our national security interest that we’re self-sufficient in food.” And how do we do that? By exporting it. “The best way to keep the ag economy growing is to open up new markets for America’s crops and farm products around the world.” Also, by having them grow things that aren’t food: “I’d much rather our farmers be growing energy than trying to buy from other parts of the world.”

See, and you thought Bush didn’t have a rational agricultural policy.


He warned against farm legislation currently before Congress. “It seems like to us it lacks reform”. You may think that sentences like that show a certain carelessness, but quite the contrary: every word is painstakingly evaluated, then carefully written down, each one on a separate piece of paper. The pieces of paper are then randomly drawn out of a hat to produce the Bush syntax we all enjoy so much.

Number 4 in the series “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face”

Testifying before the Senate Budget Committee today about Bush’s proposed budget (it’s on a laptop computer, you know).

We are the Republican Party front-runner

McCain, last night: “Tonight, I think we must get used to the idea that we are the Republican Party front-runner.” One of the perks of front-runner status: the right to use the Royal We (Pluralis Majestatis).


Condi Rice responds to a question about the Afghan journalist, Pervez Kambakhsh, sentenced to death for blasphemy. The outrage is palpable:

Well, I’ll certainly raise the case with President Karzai. This is a young democracy and I think it won’t surprise you that we are not supportive of everything that comes up through the judicial system in Afghanistan. I do think that the Afghans understand that there are some international norms that need to be respected. Of course, one has national laws and they’re national laws that are in accordance with traditions and religious practice and all -- you know, all elements of indigenous development. But there are international norms, and I’ll certainly talk to President Karzai about this -- about this case.

Lazy-ass blogger calls another caption contest

Bush Tuesday with a NASCAR prize-winner and his tall wife. I assume the thing he’s holding is the prize. Or a bong.

Election results

In California, the ballots are still only half counted, but this blog is calling the Green Party and Peace & Freedom Party presidential primaries for Ralph Nader. Terrific.

It won’t air until later today (and then should be available online for about a week), but BBC’s Radio 4 will have a program on the US primaries by comedians Andy Zaltzman and Rory Bremner, which I’d guess will be pretty good.

Apostate!

A McCain ad asks the fundamental question of our times: “If we can’t trust Mitt Romney on Ronald Reagan, how can we trust him to lead America?”

Fund the homeland security

A survey of British youths shows that the majority believe that Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood and King Arthur were real people, but more than 20% think Winston Churchill is a fictional character.

50 years from now, Americans will think that George W. Bush was a cartoon character, like Elmer Fudd.

The US admits killing 9 civilians, including a child, “as coalition forces pursued al-Qaeda.” And by “pursued,” they mean “dropped bombs from airplanes on anything that moved.”

Bush issued his $3.1 trillion budget today. “It’s on a laptop computer,” he said proudly.


Although evidently some copies were printed as well.


“And it’s a good budget,” he said. Who’s a good budget? You are! Yes you are! “It’s a budget that achieves some important objectives.” For $3.1 trillion, it better achieve every important objective, every not-so-important objective, and every trivial objective. “One, it understands our top priority is to defend our country...” It... understands? See, that’s what happens when you put a $3.1 trillion budget on a laptop computer: it achieves sentience. And that never ends well. “...so we fund our military, as well as fund the homeland security.”

“It’s central that we make sure that we deal with the uncertainties -- the economic uncertainties we face.” An interesting slip there. How often does Bush admit that he faces uncertainties? And what might those uncertainties be?

• How to pronounce nuclear.
• What exactly is a laptop computer anyway?
• Is that my ass or my elbow?
• Could someone ‘splain to me which one is Iraq and which one is Iran again?

Oh, I could do those all day. Or you guys could...

With success like this...

Headline of the day (LA Times): “Schools Scramble to Find Questionable Meat.” I didn’t even know there was a shortage of questionable meat.

Secretary of War Robert Gates says that Friday’s suicide bombings in Baghdad markets are a sign of desperation, “a manifestation of the success of our military operations.” Woo hoo! And on Thursday, Gates said that the increasing number of casualties in Afghanistan caused by suicide bombings and IEDs is a sign that the Taliban have “failed in conventional military conflict with the NATO allies.” Double woo hoo! USA! USA!

A rather extraordinary sentence from John McCain, which I evidently missed two weeks ago: “It’s not social issues I care about.” He was talking about abortion and gays, the only social issues Republicans care about, but boy he really is running to be a president who will just occupy himself doing the war thing and not bother with any of the other piddling small stuff.

By the way, when I googled “It’s not social issues I care about,” looking for more context, Google asked, “Did you mean: ‘Its not social issues I care about’”. Et tu, Google? Et tu? Here’s that context: “It’s not social issues I care about. It’s the Constitution of the United States I care about.” That piece from the WaPo’s campaign blog also quotes him saying, “The rights of the unborn are as important as the rights of the born.” Absolutely, the right of the fetus to free exercise of religion, to bear arms, and not have soldiers quartered in the womb he or she inhabits, should be sacrosanct.

We got issues

A NY appellate court has ruled that the state must recognize gay marriages contracted outside of NY (in this case in Canada) since NY law does not specifically say otherwise. The ruling is not especially broad, since it does not challenge the ability of the state legislature to pass such a law, so it’s not much of a challenge to the “sanctity of marriage,” but I suspect that cries of “judicial activism” and the issue of the threatened gayification of marriage and subsequent end of civilization as we know it have just reentered the election campaign. Yippee.

Bush makes the ultimate case for free trade

At the Kansas City headquarters of Hallmark Cards, Inc.: “if we end up having trade wars, it’s going to be less likely Hallmark products will be sold overseas.”

Religious people do not murder the innocent, redux

Something I intended to write two posts back, but it went right out of my head: Bush said that the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq aren’t religious conflicts because religious people don’t murder the innocent. Of course Pervez Kambakhsh, that journalist whose death sentence was just backed by the Afghan Senate, which, er, is supposed to be on our side in the “ideological struggle between those of us who love freedom and human rights and human dignity, and those who want to impose their dark vision on how people should live their lives,” isn’t innocent: he’s guilty of blasphemy. So that’s okay then.

Democratic Debate: Hillary would be on anyone’s shortlist

Transcript.

Sitting next to each other, Barack and Hillary look like the anchors of the local 11:00 news.

Audience members included Meathead, Josh Lyman, Annie Hall, Ugly Betty, Stevie Wonder, Pierce Brosnan, Leonardo diCaprio....

Obama says he was friends with Hillary before the campaign, and will be after the campaign. But now, I believe that implies, he’s gonna eviscerate her.


Hillary: “Just by looking at us, you can tell we are not more of the same.” And then we open our mouths... (Later: actually, this was the dullest debate yet, and seriously deficient as blog fodder. Some of that in a good way, as when they were genuinely discussing differences in their health insurance plans, but mostly they know that neither of them is changing many minds before Tuesday, and are looking beyond it to the general election.)


Obama says he brings up Hillary’s flip–flopping on illegal immigrants getting driver’s licenses only to show how difficult the issue is.

Hillary on her Iraq war vote: “coercive diplomacy” is cool, she likes “coercive diplomacy,” uses it on Bill all the time, but “what no one could have fully appreciated...” Who is she, all of a sudden, Condi? “...is how obsessed this president was with this particular mission”. Blitzer asks if she’s saying that she was naive in trusting Bush and the crowd, possibly led by Diane Keaton, boos loudly.


Speaking of presidents on a mission, Hillary, when asked how she’d “control” Bill when they were back in the White House when she sure can’t do it on the campaign trail, gave out one of those guffaws, possibly at the thought of Bill, naked, tied up, with a hood over his head, thinking he’s in for some kinky sex, but actually on his way to Guantanamo. Or maybe to that “Lost” island. Then says she doesn’t want the campaign to be about Bill but the issues.


Barack, would you make Hillary your running mate? Astonishingly, he refuses to answer the inane question. He does say that Hillary would be “on anyone’s short list”. Isn’t that cute, it’s nine months before the election and he’s already drawing up death lists.

Thank goodness they didn’t abandon a value system that they believe is universal

McCain’s website not only trumpets his endorsement by The Arnold, but also endorsements by several of what McCain calls “distinguished members of the Vietnamese-American community” (a member of the California State Assembly, members of the Garden Grove and Westminster city councils, and a no doubt distinguished member of the Midway City Sanitary District). At least, he calls them “distinguished members of the Vietnamese-American community” in public – now. In 2000, he commented, “I hated the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live.”

Bush gave a speech today at something called the Nevada Policy Research Institute.


He told them that “The world in which we live is a dangerous world, but a world full of great opportunity.” Dangerous opportunity.

We’re facing, he said, an “ideological struggle of people who use asymmetrical warfare.” It’s not a religious conflict, he insisted. “And I’ll tell you why: because one of the tactics, and the main tactic of those enemies of freedom, is to murder the innocent to achieve their objectives. Religious people do not murder the innocent.” Religious people do not murder the innocent. I’m telling you, the principle on which this country is run is government of the people who slept through history class, by the people who slept through history class, and for the people who slept through history class.

IN OTHER WORDS: “The fundamental question is whether or not democracy can take hold. In other words, the security situation is improving, and therefore will there be efforts by the Iraqi people to seize the moment?”

SITTING DOWN WITH ELECTED: “It is vital for this generation to assume the responsibilities of peace and take the lead, so that when we look back 30 to 40 years from now people will say, thank goodness America didn’t lose faith with liberty. Thank goodness they didn’t abandon a value system that they believe is universal. And I believe an American President will be sitting down with elected from the Middle East saying the same thing to audiences in Nevada that I said about Prime Minister Koizumi.”

Wherein I find myself in complete agreement with Sean McCormack

Human Rights Watch has issued a report saying that the US & EU of accepting the pretense of countries such as Pakistan, Kenya, Russia, Thailand to be democracies simply because they have held some form of elections. Responded State Dept spokesmodel Sean McCormack: “In terms of the United States and this administration speaking up in defence of, and advocating for, and putting its effort behind its rhetoric, I don’t think there’s any question about where we stand in terms of promotion of democracy.” No, there really isn’t any question.

A judge in Rio de Janeiro has banned a samba group’s float, with heaps of mannequins representing the Holocaust, from Carnivale.