To love one’s country is to love one’s countrymen, if you know what I mean

The latest John McCain ad (2:47):



Admit it: after all that homoerotic talk about the love of fighting men for each other, the repeated use of the word “glory” made you add “-hole” in your mind.

Peace in the Middle East, one dirt mound at a time

Finally, a definition of the 50 “roadblocks” in the West Bank which Condi so fulsomely praised Israel for promising to remove. They are dirt mounds. Israel has now taken what they call the “concrete step” of removing those 50 dirt mounds (of course before they agreed to remove 50 of the mounds, they added 30).

On Fox News yesterday, Holy Joe Lieberman defended McCain confusing (slash lying about) Shiite and Sunni as “mis-speaking,” not one minute after himself saying, “If we did what Sen. Obama wanted us to do last year, Al-Qaeda in Iran would be in control of Iraq today.” (h/t Matt Browner Hamlin).

Thief of the day: In Spain, a burglar broke into a funeral parlor, but was overheard. When the police arrived, he pretended to be a corpse, but was caught because 1) he wasn’t in a coffin, 2) he was in dirty work clothes, 3) he was breathing.

Priest of the day: In Florence, a priest gained £3m through fake exorcisms. That’s the sort of thing that ruins it for the real exorcists. The priest denies that he practiced exorcism without... wait for it... a license.

Headline of the day, from the Times: “Teenage Thai Ladyboys Warned over £65 Castrations.”

In Europe, Bush learns that, as is so often the case, it’s all about the hats.

Bush in Romania: An ambition mission

Today Bush arrived in Bucharest for the NATO summit. Or as he called it, “MATO.” He is still talking about how five years ago he saw a rainbow: “And then the clouds parted, and a rainbow appeared in the sky -- heralding a new day for this nation, and the Atlantic Alliance she was about to join.”

AMBITION MISSION: “Afghanistan is the most daring and ambition [sic] mission in the history of NATO.”

NATO’S WAR WITH NATO: “Our Alliance must maintain its resolve and finish the fight in NATO.” (He meant Afghanistan).

NOT NECESSARILY GOOD ONES, BUT WHY SPLIT HAIRS? “The surge has produced results across Iraq.”

RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR: “We’re working toward a new security relationship with Russia whose foundation does not rest on the prospect of mutual annihilation.”

DRACULA! “The Romanian people have seen evil in their midst -- and they’ve seen evil defeated.”

Later, he held a press conference with Romanian President Basescu.

IN OUT INTEREST TO HELP SUCCEED: “But in this case, it’s in our interest to help succeed because we don’t want an enemy that has been known to attack people -- nations in our Alliance to be able to develop safe haven again, to be able to use a launching pad like Afghanistan to plot, plan and attack.”

President Basescu stepped in to give a, um, variant on that theme: “Sure, we have a extremely clear idea if we don’t keep the terrorists in Afghanistan, if we let them free, they’ll come in Europe, they’ll come in United States.”

THE POTENTIAL OF THE BLACK SEA: “I take the advice of the President on the Black Sea. ... he loves the Black Sea. And he understands the potential of the Black Sea.”


DOUBLE PROMOTION: “We need to promote the scenario where you can promote energy independence. All nations ought to have a variety of sources of energy from which to choose, so it’s never become captured by a single supplier.”

WHAT HE WILL MAKE CLEAR TO PUTIN: He noted that he will meet Putin for “our last face-to-face meeting as a presidency”. “Look, I’m going to meet with President Putin to make it clear to him the Cold War is over”. In case he didn’t get the memo.

Bush in the Ukraine: Democracies are good things to have on your border

In the Ukraine (which as far as this blog is concerned still takes the article), Bush had a joint press conference with President Viktor Yushchenko, who as far as this blog is concerned is still “Pock-Faced Mr. Y.”


WHAT BUSH AND POCK-FACED MR. Y SPENT A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT: “And President Yushchenko and I understand that democracies are the best partners for peace and security in every part of the world. So we spent a lot of time talking about NATO.”


PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FLAGS (waved by Ukrainians protesting plans to join NATO): “Just because there was a bunch of, you know, Soviet-era flags in the street yesterday doesn’t -- you shouldn’t read anything into that.”

A CLEAR SIGNAL: “And my stop here is -- should be a clear signal to everybody that I mean what I say, and that is, I mean that it’s in our interest for Ukraine to join. And so, therefore, one should -- but you ought to take more than my stop -- more from my stop than just a -- trying to send a signal on NATO.”


WHAT PUTIN SHOULDN’T FEAR, AND WHAT ARE GOOD THINGS TO HAVE ON YOUR BORDER: “I told that to President Putin on my phone call with him recently. I said, you just got to know, I’m headed to Bucharest with the idea in mind of getting MAP for Ukraine and Georgia, and you shouldn’t fear that, Mr. President. After all, NATO is a organization that’s peaceful, or NATO is an organization that helps democracies flourish. Democracies are good things to have on your border.” Which is it, George? NATO is “a” organization, or NATO is “an” organization? Pick a side, we’re at war!


WHAT MISSILES FROM THE MIDDLE EAST COULD JUST AS EASILY DO: “And on the second point, on missile defense, it’s in his interests that we participate and share information. After all, a missile from the Middle East can fly north just as easily as it could fly west...” Yeah; fucking MapQuest! “...and the capacity to be able to share information and share technology to be able to deal with these threats is important for a lot of countries, including Russia.”


WHAT CONDI AND BOB DID IN RUSSIA: “That’s what Condi Rice and Bob Gates spent time doing when they were there in Russia, and that is to defuse any notions that this is aiming something at somebody in Europe. This is all aiming to protect people in Europe.” We aim to please.


WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH: “We’re dealing with a lot of history and a lot of suspicion throughout governments.”

WHAT PUTIN HAS BEEN: “He’s a -- you know, he’s a person that has been a strong leader for Russia.”


The US Secret Service searches performers for weapons.


Dude! They’ve got spears. Spears! In their hands!

The guilty abroad

Bush has arrived in Kiev, where he is given the traditional Ukrainian greeting of bread and salt. Never has a man looked so perplexed by bread and salt.



(Update: the White House website captions this picture, “President George W. Bush acknowledges the taste of bread”.)

McCain’s daddy issues

Today McCain talked about how every single one of his (male) ancestors has served in the military, killing people for their country. He said that when he was a POW, his father “prayed on his knees every night for my safe return. ... Yet, when duty required it, he gave the order for B-52s to bomb Hanoi, in close proximity to my prison.” You know, if my father had dropped bombs in close proximity to me, I wouldn’t be praising his patriotism, I would consider him a bit of a douche. Of course my father wasn’t in the military, he was in accounting, so I’d also really have to wonder what he was doing with all those bombs. And for that matter, what I was doing in a prison in Hanoi.

(Little artistic license there: my father was not actually in accounting.)

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson held a press conference to propose rejiggering financial regulatory bodies (and preempting state regulation of securities and industry). Which means it’s time for another instalment of our ongoing series, “Everything You Need to Know About the Economy You Can Tell By the Expression on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s Face.”

Not coming to insert American ideas into this process

Totally sincere political statement of the week: Barack Obama: “My attitude is that Senator Clinton can run as long as she wants.”

CONDI GOT NO IDEAS: Condi, in Israel: “I’m not coming to insert American ideas into this process.”

She has been trumpeting, because it’s the only thing she has to show for her latest visit to the Middle East, an agreement by Israel to ease movement in the West Bank by eliminating 50 roadblocks. Not the checkpoints, which will be “upgraded,” just roadblocks. Reporters in her press pool, sensing that the term had been simply made up in order to make Israel look good by agreeing to remove 50 of them without relieving the burden on Palestinian travelers in the tiniest bit, repeatedly tried to get her to define just exactly what constitutes a roadblock, and she rather clearly had no idea. Er, did I say clearly?:

Let me just explain, though, that the whole point here is not to try and isolate and say we remove that or remove that. The whole point here is to have an integrated approach that looks at the security, looks at the movement and access issues, and looks at the potential for economic prospects, and then comes up with concrete steps that can move all three together in an integrated fashion. ...

General Fraser will be following up on the specifics and will be also -- the term that he uses is not verifying, but making certain that, in fact, there are 50 and that they are being removed and that they, in fact, have some impact on the access issue. ...

But the question is not just a category -- roadblocks or checkpoints -- but what does it do to allow people to move freely. ...

But again, we’re trying to take an approach that is consistent with security, movement and economic development so that it’s not just -- so that it’s not just remove something that may not have any effect or that may adversely affect security but is not really critical to economic activity. It really is an effort now to put these three elements together and to make decisions on that basis.

(Update: the Guardian says there are now 580 roadblocks.)

Consternation and concern and care

In the afternoon, Bush went to a company called Novadebt in New Jersey, which gives mortgages advice, and wandered amongst the cubicles.

WE HAVE GOT A ISSUE: “And the reason why I’m here is because we have got a issue in housing in America.”


IN OTHER WORDS: “The value of the houses have gone down in some areas, and people’s mortgages are resetting. In other words, the interest rates are going up.”

OO, ALLITERATION: “And that has caused consternation and concern and care.” Oh my.


He also met some of the people who have received mortgage advice, including one Danny Cerchiaro, a New Jersey name if ever I heard one.

BECAME WORKING: “He got -- he called HOPE NOW, and he became working with a mortgage counselor named Penny Meredith.”

WHAT WAS THAT NUMBER AGAIN? “And I want my fellow citizens, if you’re worried about your home, to call this number: 188-995-HOPE [sic]. Let me repeat that again: 188-995-HOPE [sic].”

There have been other defining moments up to now, but this is a defining moment, as well

At the Air Force Museum in Ohio yesterday, Bush gave a speech from which only one line is worth passing on: “You know, when I mentioned justice of the cause, you see that when Americans in full battle gear hand out books to children, hand out books to total strangers.”

The Marine Corps is dropping all charges against Lance Cpl. Stephen Tatum for his role in the Haditha Massacre (see previous posts), evidently in exchange for his testimony against Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich. According to a press release, “This was done in order to continue to pursue the truth-seeking process into the Haditha incident.” A justice-seeking process might also have been nice.

Today Bush met with Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, who, when asked by an Aussie reporter how he would describe him, he called “Fine lad, fine lad.”


When asked about foreign policy differences with Rudd (Iraq, China, greenhouse gasses, etc), Bush said “I guess it depends if you’re a half-glass empty guy or a half-glass full guy,” adding that he really could see no differences, but maybe that’s because he’d just drunk half a glass of tequila. He didn’t even see policy differences over Rudd’s plan to pull troops out of Iraq. “Obviously the Prime Minister kept a campaign commitment, which I appreciate. I always like to be in the presence of somebody who does what he says he’s going to do.” And yet it never rubs off.

But he didn’t ascribe Rudd’s decision to the will of the Australian people as expressed by the polls, no, that would violate Dick Cheney’s “So?” Doctrine. “I would view the Australia decision as ‘return on success’”. He also demonstrated his understanding of Aussie policy with his usual clarity: “But the commitment of Afghanistan is not to leave Iraq alone; it’s to change mission.”

SOME PEOPLE CAN TELL AN INTERESTING STORY, SOME PEOPLE CAN’T: “And so he told me about an interesting story. He met with the Prime Minister, Maliki. Prime Minister Maliki says to Kevin Rudd -- or Kevin Rudd says to Prime Minister Maliki, what can we do to help you. It wasn’t, what can we do to abandon you. He said, how can we help you?”

MORE PRAISE FOR RUDD: “He’s an expert on China -- it’s clear when you talk to him, he is an expert on China.”


Many of the reporters’ questions focused on Maliki’s... in honor of Mr. Rudd, I’m hereby officially naming it Maliki’s Basra Balls-Up.

A LOT OF DEFINING GOING ON: “I would say this is a defining moment in the history of a free Iraq. There have been other defining moments up to now, but this is a defining moment, as well.”

IT TALKS! “The decision to move troops -- Iraqi troops into Basra talks about Prime Minister Maliki’s leadership.”

Q&A: “And one of the early questions I had to the Prime Minister was would he be willing to confront criminal elements, whether they be Shia or Sunni? Would he, in representing people who want to live in peace, be willing to use force necessary to bring to justice those who take advantage of a vacuum, or those who murder the innocent? And his answer was, yes, sir, I will. And I said, well, you’ll have our support if that’s the case, if you believe in evenhanded justice.”


IT’S NOT JUST A DEFINING MOMENT: “it is an interesting moment for the people of Iraq”.

WHAT’S SO INTERESTING ABOUT IT? “And so -- the other that’s interesting about this, by the way -- this happens to be one of the provinces where the Iraqs are in the lead -- Iraqis are in the lead, and that’s what they are in this instance.”

IT’S NOT JUST A DEFINING MOMENT AND AN INTERESTING MOMENT: “And this is a good test for them.” Given that Maliki just had to extend his surrender deadline by 10 days, I guess they’re taking an incomplete.


TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE ABILITY TO BE CRIMINALS: “And of course, routing out these folks who’ve burrowed in society, who take advantage of the ability to be criminals, or the ability to intimidate citizens, is going to take a while. ... And one of those things that’s been well known is that Basra has been a place where criminality has thrived. It’s a port, a lot of goods and services go through there.”

WHAT HE SUSPECTS MALIKI WOULD SAY: “And I haven’t spoke to the Prime Minister since he’s made his decision, but I suspect that he would say, look, the citizens down there just got sick and tired of this kind of behavior. ... And so I’m not exactly sure what triggered the Prime Minister’s response. I don’t know if it was one phone call. I don’t know what -- whether or not the local mayor called up and said, help -- we’re sick and tired of dealing with these folks. ... But this was his decision. It was his military planning. It was his causing the troops to go from point A to point B.”

SAD MONKEY: “And, yes, there’s going to be violence. And that’s sad.”

Yesterday, Nicolas Sarkozy and Gordon Brown showed what two national leaders really need in order to bond: a football.

I remember the rainbow most of all

Headline of the day (AFP): “Moves to Damp down Mozzarella Crisis.”

Yesterday Bush spoke with journalists from European countries he will soon be visiting.

IN THE INTERESTS: On the Ukraine and Georgia joining NATO: “I believe it’s in the interests that there is that clear path forward. ... So the first step, however, is for there to be a clear path forward, so that people understand -- and I believe it’s in our collective interest that we offer a clear path forward.”

He asked a Romanian reporter about a speech he once gave in Romania. Evidently there was a rainbow. He was very impressed by that, and wanted to know if they’re still talking about the “rainbow speech” in Romania. “I remember the rainbow most of all. It was a startling moment.”

You could tell they were foreign reporters because they expected Bush to be able to answer questions like this: “how do you see Croatia future in the NATO architecture in southeastern Europe, regarding its capability to host joint military bases, and primarily NATO forces, and the further development of its armed forces and its readiness to take part in NATO missions and contribute to the common security of the alliance?” Isn’t that adorable? He responded: “Croatia has served as a very good example, following a very dramatic moment, and that is the breakup of Yugoslavia. ... Examples are very important. The question is, would people have predicted 15 years ago that we’d be having this kind of discussion about Croatia. And who knows -- I don’t think many people would have certainly 25 years ago.” He added later, “And Croatia occupies a crucial part -- a crucial space in an important part of the world.”

SNOTTY MUCH? His forthcoming decision not to reduce troop levels in Iraq “will be based upon not politics, or not who can scream the loudest, but based upon whether or not we can maintain the successes we’ve had.”


CHANGING THE CAPACITY: “Congress did change the capacity for -- to have a new look at visa waiver.”

The London Times reporter asked whether Bush’s infatuation with Sarkozy was eclipsing the special relationship. Bush said that he will always love that country, whatever it’s called, and its leader, whoever that might be: “And that relationship was never as special as it was during times of conflict -- whether it be the relationship in the past between, like, Roosevelt and Churchill, or whether it be the current relationship, more modern relationship between Tony Blair and myself. ... And so, your question, ‘our greatest ally’ -- it’s going to be hard for any nation to trump Great Britain as our -- United Kingdom as our greatest ally.”

He announced that he’ll be going to Russia and he might even do the looking-in-his-eyes-and-seeing-his-soul thing with Medvedev, or he may have already met him, he’s not really sure, he’s like a Russian guy, right, yea high? “I haven’t met President Medvedev yet. I may have met him once, but I haven’t had a talk to him, President-to-President, obviously. He’s not even the President yet. I’m looking forward to meeting him.”

“In other words, there’s an invitation out there, and this is really -- the way to look at this is a follow-up to Condi and Bob Gates’s meeting -- which is good.”


The BBC caption for this picture is “Candidates for South Korean parliamentary elections and their supporters bow to traffic in the southern city of Daegu.” Um, okay.

Wherein John McCain reveals what he thinks of war

McCain gave his big foreign affairs speech today. Not surprisingly, it was so much like a Bush speech that the absence of “in other words”’s was almost jarring.

He opened with a joke: “I detest war.” No, really, he detests war. “Only a fool or a fraud sentimentalizes the merciless reality of war.” Is he implicitly calling George “It must be exciting for you ... in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger” Bush a fool or a fraud? Or possibly a frool?


But while he detests war (that just keeps getting funnier), he is a “realistic idealist.” “We cannot wish the world to be a better place than it is.” So throw away those wishes for the world to be a better place: vote McCain!

He says, repeatedly, that the US can’t act unilaterally, that we have to listen to the rest of the world. “There is such a thing as international good citizenship,” he says. Which sounds very reasonable of him, until you realize the forum in which the rest of the world will make its opinions known is his proposed “League of Democracies.” He also proposes booting Russia – excuse me, “a revanchist Russia” – from the G-8.


Oh, what else. Latin America is our back yard and our “natural partners.” China would be less of an adversary if it just shared our values. Eradicate malaria in Africa. No nukes in North Korea or Iran.

The “transcendent challenge of our time” is “radical Islamic terrorism.” Indeed, “Any president who does not regard this threat as transcending all others does not deserve to sit in the White House” (of course McCain has also referred to the use of steroids by professional athletes a “transcendent issue.”)

We must win the hearts and minds of moderate Muslims (yes, he really said hearts and minds, although the phrase was in quotation marks in the prepared text). Indeed, “In this struggle, scholarships will be far more important than smart bombs.” Says the guy who doesn’t know the difference between Sunnis and Shiites.


And of course, we have a “moral responsibility” never to leave Iraq: “It would be an unconscionable act of betrayal, a stain on our character as a great nation, if we were to walk away from the Iraqi people and consign them to the horrendous violence, ethnic cleansing, and possibly genocide that would follow a reckless, irresponsible, and premature withdrawal. Our critics say America needs to repair its image in the world. How can they argue at the same time for the morally reprehensible abandonment of our responsibilities in Iraq?” Yeah, how can they do that?

Do so do so do so

Today Bush went to a printing company in Virginia to talk about the economic stimulus package, which he says will benefit the very company in whose plant he is speaking: “It will benefit from it because if they make -- if Jim decides to purchase software or machinery, there is a tax incentive to encourage him to do so. He’s made the decision to do so, and his company will be encouraged to do so through the tax code.” You ever notice how if you say “do so” over and over, it loses all meaning?

HE HAS AN MBA YOU KNOW. FROM HARVARD AND EVERYTHING: “And that’s important because when he buys the machine, or when he buys software, somebody has to manufacture that. Therefore, there is a direct link between the stimulus package and jobs.”

WHAT GEORGE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO: “in the second week of May, a lot of folks are going to be getting a sizable check. And I’m looking forward to that day, and I know they are as well.” What will Bush spend his rebate check on? Suggestions in comments (alternatively: what should Bush spend his rebate check on?)

Wherein is revealed what shows that Hillary Clinton is human

In Idaho, a man running for US Senate changed his name to “Pro-Life” (I guess it’s one of those hyphenated last names like Courtney Cox-Arquette), and the state legislature reacted with emergency legislation to require that his “traditional name” be included on the ballot as well. Reminds me of when a drag queen named Sister Mary Boom Boom ran for, I believe, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, in 1980 I think, and a bill to force candidates to use normal names was put forward by Supervisor Quentin Kopp.

Hillary Clinton about her “mis-statement” about having flown into Bosnia under fire: “So I made a mistake. That happens. It shows I’m human - which for some people is a revelation.” True: robots never remember being shot at when they have not actually been shot at, but humans make that “mistake” all the time. For example, I remember being disappointed by something last night, but was it finding out that The Daily Show was a repeat, or was there a mortar attack on my living room? I just can’t be sure.

What I find amusing is her attempt to turn this back on the people bringing it up, as if people pointing out her lies is an illegitimate, under-handed attack, like Samantha Powers calling her a monster. Political jiu-jitsu at its lamest.

She also claims it was the first time she “mis-spoke” in 12 or so years.

Better to be free for an hour than to be a slave for 40 years

Today Bush celebrated – for the very last time in the White House – Greek Independence Day. As usual, he did not say from whom Greece became independent. But then, he may think that Cyprus is one of the 50 states: “Ambassador Kakouris of -- to Cyprus is with us -- from Cyprus to U.S. is with us.”


ALSO, OLIVES. THEY’RE VERY COMMITTED TO OLIVES: “Throughout their history, the people of Greece have been committed to liberty. They’ve also been committed to the important principle that liberty only survives when brave men and women are ready to come to its defense.” Oh dear, he’s been watching his DVD of “300” again.


“In the years leading up to Greece’s war for independence, one of the rallying cries of the Greek people was that it was better to be free for an hour than to be a slave for 40 years. Those are the kind of folks who had their priorities straight.” But of course 9/11 changed everything.

He thanked Greece for sending troops to Afghanistan, Bosnia, Kosovo and Lebanon, telling the ambassador to “thank your governments [sic] for those strong signals that liberty is universal, and that liberty will bring the peace we all hope.” How do Greeks with guns send strong signals that liberty is universal, a gift from Zeus or whatever?

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out; you put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.

Bush and the fisher folk

Yesterday Bush commemorated the 4,000th American military death in Iraq with a visit from the Easter Bunny. Today, he met with the winners of some sort of fishing competition (is there something inherently different about the way men and women catch bass that requires separate divisions?).

HE THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT: “And I thought it was important to welcome these champs here to the White House so that -- you know, to encourage people to fish.”

ELIOT SPITZER MIGHT DISAGREE: “There’s nothing better than fishing,” he added.

GOOD: “This is a good, clean sport. It’s a sport that requires good conservation in order to make sure our fisheries are good”.


Judy Wong, who exalts in the title “Women’s Bassmaster,” then said something that probably only sounds incredibly filthy: “I would be glad to take you any day on Toledo Bend.” Adding, “And bring Laura, as well.”

When everybody’s somebody, then no one’s anybody

There’s so much awfulness in Dana Peroxide’s comments on the 4,000th American military death in Iraq, including her insistence that almost all their survivors wish the war to continue so the deaths won’t be “in vain,” and her claim that Bush “gets a report about every single soldier who passes away, and he always pauses a moment...” – how long is a “moment,” I wonder – “...to think about them and to offer a prayer for their loved ones and their family and friends,” which puts me in mind of the reports which, as governor of Texas, he used to peruse for as long as five minutes before signing death warrants.

But what’s been going through my head all day is her response to the question of whether Bush even considers the number to be significant in any way: “President Bush thinks that every single loss is tragic, from the very first several years ago to the ones that sacrificed yesterday.” Like Jenna and Not-Jenna, he loves every single one of his “sacrifices” equally. But hidden inside the cheap faux-sentimentalism, I think there’s a little piece of unintentional insight. “Tragic” is treated as a superlative, the highest level of emotion. So 4,000 deaths is not only not more tragic than the sum of each individual death, it isn’t even 4,000 times as tragic. It can no more be multiplied than can infinity – or zero. By this strange emotional calculus, the fuzziest of fuzzy math if you will, they might as well go on throwing bodies into the meat grinder forever, because 5,000 deaths, or 50,000, would be no more tragic than 4,000 or 1.

(Update: asked the same question about the 4,000th death, Cheney said “So?” Oh okay, what he actually said was, “You wish nobody ever lost their life, but unfortunately it’s one of those things that go with living in the world we live in.” See? It’s not the fault of the Bush administration; it’s the fault of the entire world we live in. Stoopid world.)

Update II: Tom Toles:

A very Chimpy Easter

Caption contest, White House Easter Egg Roll:



The Reuters caption for this one


says that Jenna “enacts one of the monster characters of the book ‘Where the Wild Things Are’”. I wonder who she would imitate to enact a monster character?

A sexual Switzerland

Today’s must-read: the WaPo on the regime we’ve imposed on Fallujah.

Myself, I seem to have nothing to say at the moment, so here are some more London Review of Books personals. (More of my LRB faves here.)

If partaking of the grape too eagerly after a messy break-up has taught me anything, it’s that answer phone messages can never be retrieved and are admissible in divorce courts as evidence of ‘unreasonable behaviour’. But if you’re a 35-45 year old guy who knows when a lady needs space and is able to take threats of physical assault and arson in the humorous, ironically edgy way in which they’re intended, then write to beautiful, vivacious, newly-medicated F, 38. Box no. 02/06

By reading this advert you have unwittingly become the latest in my mind experiments in which I persuade the subject to believe I’m a 6’4, sandy blonde Abercrombie and Fitch model with the world at my feet and a lifetime of excitement ahead of me. Man, 57. 6’4, sandy blonde Abercrombie and Fitch model with the world at my feet and a lifetime of excitement ahead of me. Worthing. Box no.02/08

I grazed my knee writing this advert. Accident prone F, 35. Box no. 02/09

I’ve spent my adult life fabricating reciprocal feelings from others and I don’t intend to stop now, nor at any other London Review bookshop event I’m summarily ejected from. Yes, once the history section had emptied and we were left alone his voice said ‘I’m not interested’, but his eyes very clearly stated ‘please follow me home and observe me from the shrubs in the park opposite until squirrels start to burrow into your legs, believing you to be a tree.’ Woman, 43. Reading between the lines even when the lines aren’t actually there. Don’t pretend you don’t love me. Box no. 06/08

Most partners cite the importance of having a loved one who will listen and understand them. I’m here to debunk this theory. The more you listen to your loved one, the more you will realise they talk crap, whine a lot, and make a lot of unreasonable demands regarding holidays together (since when is a car-ferry better than a plane, since when is a museum tour stop better than drunken evenings talking to oiled-up Italians on a beach?) I’d like to state here and now that anyone responding to this advert and winding up in an emotional (or, even better, purely sexual and frequently tawdry) relationship with me will never be listened to at all. That way we can carry on the pretence of enjoying each other’s company for many an ignorant year. No lawyers. Woman. 38. Box no. 06/10

It’s a jungle out there! Confused librarian. Box no. 06/11

There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to make love to all the women I want to make love to, so I’m going to start with you, nubile 21-year old choreographer and tantric masseuse, preferably French or able to adopt a French accent or not talk at all. Must know how to spoon-feed. Man, 78. Box no. 06/14

Everyone in this column has an agenda. Not me. Man, 41. Box no. 06/13

Sexually, I’m more of a Switzerland. F., 54. Box no. 06/12

Shorthanded

Yesterday I asked if Bush’s claim that Iran had “announc[ed] they want to destroy countries with a nuclear weapon” and “declared they want to have a nuclear weapon to destroy people” was a new escalation of his usual false claim that the Iranian government has said it wants nuclear weapons. Evidently it was just “shorthand.” White House spokesmodel Gordon Johndroe explains: “The president was referring to the Iranian regime’s previous statements regarding their desire to wipe Israel off the map. The president shorthanded his answer with regard to Iran’s previously secret nuclear weapons program and their current enrichment and ballistic missile testing.”

Shorthanded. I prefer to think of it as a Reese’s peanut butter cup moment: “Hey, you got your lie about Iran wanting to wipe out Israel in my lie about Iran saying it wants nuclear weapons!” “Hey, you got your lie about Iran saying it wants nuclear weapons into my lie about Iran wanting to wipe out Israel!”

The dark ages

Cheney followed up his surprise visit to Iraq with a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He said repeatedly that before the US invasion, “this country was in the dark ages”. Given the nature of the Taliban regime, that may sound unexceptionable, but there’s a bit of history of nations justifying their conquests by claiming that the conquered nations were less evolved, were at an earlier, inferior stage of historical development, so that the conquerors were acting in the interests of the benighted primitives.


Fortunately, help has arrived. He told American troops at Bagram Air Base, “A lot of history is being made here every single day.” So are they up to the Renaissance yet?

Where can I get me one of those hats?