Sunday, March 23, 2008

A sexual Switzerland

Today’s must-read: the WaPo on the regime we’ve imposed on Fallujah.

Myself, I seem to have nothing to say at the moment, so here are some more London Review of Books personals. (More of my LRB faves here.)
If partaking of the grape too eagerly after a messy break-up has taught me anything, it’s that answer phone messages can never be retrieved and are admissible in divorce courts as evidence of ‘unreasonable behaviour’. But if you’re a 35-45 year old guy who knows when a lady needs space and is able to take threats of physical assault and arson in the humorous, ironically edgy way in which they’re intended, then write to beautiful, vivacious, newly-medicated F, 38. Box no. 02/06

By reading this advert you have unwittingly become the latest in my mind experiments in which I persuade the subject to believe I’m a 6’4, sandy blonde Abercrombie and Fitch model with the world at my feet and a lifetime of excitement ahead of me. Man, 57. 6’4, sandy blonde Abercrombie and Fitch model with the world at my feet and a lifetime of excitement ahead of me. Worthing. Box no.02/08

I grazed my knee writing this advert. Accident prone F, 35. Box no. 02/09

I’ve spent my adult life fabricating reciprocal feelings from others and I don’t intend to stop now, nor at any other London Review bookshop event I’m summarily ejected from. Yes, once the history section had emptied and we were left alone his voice said ‘I’m not interested’, but his eyes very clearly stated ‘please follow me home and observe me from the shrubs in the park opposite until squirrels start to burrow into your legs, believing you to be a tree.’ Woman, 43. Reading between the lines even when the lines aren’t actually there. Don’t pretend you don’t love me. Box no. 06/08

Most partners cite the importance of having a loved one who will listen and understand them. I’m here to debunk this theory. The more you listen to your loved one, the more you will realise they talk crap, whine a lot, and make a lot of unreasonable demands regarding holidays together (since when is a car-ferry better than a plane, since when is a museum tour stop better than drunken evenings talking to oiled-up Italians on a beach?) I’d like to state here and now that anyone responding to this advert and winding up in an emotional (or, even better, purely sexual and frequently tawdry) relationship with me will never be listened to at all. That way we can carry on the pretence of enjoying each other’s company for many an ignorant year. No lawyers. Woman. 38. Box no. 06/10

It’s a jungle out there! Confused librarian. Box no. 06/11

There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to make love to all the women I want to make love to, so I’m going to start with you, nubile 21-year old choreographer and tantric masseuse, preferably French or able to adopt a French accent or not talk at all. Must know how to spoon-feed. Man, 78. Box no. 06/14

Everyone in this column has an agenda. Not me. Man, 41. Box no. 06/13

Sexually, I’m more of a Switzerland. F., 54. Box no. 06/12

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